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My bags are packed, I'm ready to go... [17 Dec 2002|07:09am] [ mood | cheerful ] Sirius stood in the entryhall way of Snape Manor and turned, giving one last look around, and pondering if he had forgotten anything, or to DO anything needed before leaving. Nothing came to mind, and two House Elves were watching him as he picked up his black rucksack, and then wound the long grey woolen scarf around his neck. His cloak was a heavy woolen and hooded affair, buttoned right up to his neck. "Well, take good care," he called out to the elves, "Beware the Guest House over the next three nights, stay indoors after nightfall." he instructed, to which they replied they would. "Wonderful then." he smiled, and with a step over toward the fireplace, he tossed in some Floo Powder, and called out clearly as he stepped into the green flames, "The Three Broomsticks!" With a whoosh, he was gone. He emerged in a back room of the Tavern. It was quite still, they were not really open yet for the day, so reshifting his pack onto his shoulders, he left the Tavern and stepped out onto the streets of Hogsmeade. Sirius paused, and inhaled deeply. The cold brisk wind of the approaching winter was enough to chase any semblence of sleep from his brain. He exhaled steam into the nearly empty street, and began to trudge through what small amount of snow was piled along the streets. He recieved nods and greetings as he walked along. He was a Hero now after all. Some still doubted him, they always would, but not in public, and surely not to his or Severus' face. As he neared the end of the main road leading into the village, he spied a familar face in bottle green hood and cloak waiting for him. Grinning like a fool, Sirius stepped up to the witch and hugged her warmly. "Hello Minerva," he said placing a kiss on her chilled cheek. "So good to see you again." "As well to see you too Sirius," she said in her usual, clipped voice, but the tone underneath and sparkle in her eyes was all warmth and welcome. "Now that you are this far, let's get you to the school and find that Slytherin you seem so fond of. I daresay he is wearing out the boards pacing his office until you are safely there." Sirius laughed long and deep, and offering his arm to his former teacher, escorted her along the road leading to the school. Pet Me

One more night alone... [16 Dec 2002|07:35pm] [ mood | hopeful ] Then I shall be joining Severus for the rest of the week at Hogwarts. It's not so much I fear being around Remus during his change, it's just how HE has changed. I am not afraid to say he frightens me more now than he ever has. I am packed, and ready to depart in the morning. Severus seems to think I will find much to keep me busy, along with certain persons there plotting to keep me occupied. It sounds like I won't be spending much time curled up in black fur on a rug before the fire at Severus' feet after all. More is the pity. I just want to be near him, and relax. Nothing more. The weather is bitterly cold out, I had to cut my walk short tonight, the cold was making me ache. I am sitting by the fire now with a lap blanket, this journal and a hot cocoa laced with a bit of liquor to help me sleep. Denial? No. Moderation. I will show him I can do it. It's the first I have inbibed all day. I am quite proud of myself. Cooking helped, being up and around helps. Knowing I will be sleeping beside him tomorrow night helps more. I wish Remus could find such love and completion. For a long time, I thought it would be with me, but it was not meant to be so. I need a stronger man than I to keep me in line, to make me be the best I can. Severus inspires that in me. Remus was a comfortable, adoreable friend and tireless lover, but he wasn't enough to keep me loyal and at home. I am not faulting him, I was more than he could handle, that is all. I would like to think that Severus has reigned in that part of me, and channeled it to better use. Pet Me

HOUSE ELF NOTE to Remus Lupin [16 Dec 2002|05:35pm] [ mood | calm ] Dear Remus, In the light of recent events, I think it would be best for me to be away from Snape Manor, and the Gatehouse and you when you undergo your change this month. The elves have been alerted to your condition and the times it will occur. I will be going to stay with Severus at Hogwarts for a short time. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. I hope all goes well with you my friend. You will always be in my heart, and my thoughts. Sirius Pet Me

OWL POST [16 Dec 2002|05:21pm] [ mood | accomplished ] Severus, Yes, I had forgotten about my open invitation to the School. I shall gather my things, and set out there in the morning. I have located the Carmelite you requested and I shall pack it with my things tonight. I will wear my best scarf when I go for a walk this evening after dinner. I am cooking for myself tonight, pray for no disasters! I cannot wait to see you my dear one. I am so lonely, more than ever before when you are gone now. I shall let you go for now. I know you are busy with exams. Don't go too hard on them. Leave them some flesh on their backs. Eternally, Sirius Pet Me

OWL POST [16 Dec 2002|12:16pm] [ mood | anxious ] Dearest Severus, Pardon the intrusion into your work while at School, but you said you wanted to hear anything I had to say that caused me concern, or anxiety, so here I am. As you are well aware of, the full moon is on the 20th, Remus will undergo his first change on the 19th, in three days. Again, you know all of this I am sure. In a nutshell, I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here alone with him, like that. I am asking you if there is anyway I can come stay the remainder of the week with you. If there is concern about the impropriety of me being there, I can remain in your rooms in my Animagus form for the duration. I will not mind. Please let me know Severus. Other than that, all is well. I am still limping but using the cane less and less. I took a walk around the garden this morning, the air was quite refreshing. In any case, I await your owl. Eternally, Sirius Pet Me

Tell me why... I don't like Mondays. [16 Dec 2002|11:46am] [ mood | anxious ] Severus is gone again, that's why. He left early this morning to return to Hogwarts for the week. This will be the last before the Holiday Break, then we shall be together for two weeks. Bliss, right? Yes, bliss to be, but there is another hurdle in the way. The horse has another gate to clear first. The full moon is on the 20th, which means in three days, Remus will undergo his fist change. I suspect I shall not see him at all this week. If he is in charge of ANY of his sanity I will not. Yet, I am afraid. I want to go from here. I have never feared Remus before, even when he changed, but I do now. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here for him, or to be alone with him here, like that. I have beside me a parchment with a note to Severus, asking him if I can come stay the week with him at Hogwarts. I am afraid to ask in the usual way we communicate. I never know what he is in the middle of when I use the Ouroboros. (there is a large blot on the page, as if a quill was resting for some time.) Sod it all. I am going to send it. Pet Me

OOC silliness.... [15 Dec 2002|11:00pm] [ mood | loved ] Which Harry Potter Guy are you Most Compatible with? brought to you by Quizilla Pet Me

It's better now... [15 Dec 2002|07:42pm] [ mood | content ] Severus and I talked yesterday afternoon, this was after the blow-up of Friday night. Hot and cold, hot and cold, it's a wonder we haven't killed each other yet. He came to me to do an intervention, and I was too tired to fight, or to argue. He knows I have a problem, he has finally caught on. He wants to help, but is angry that he really can't. It's not in him to be the handholding partner should I start attending Wizard AA meetings. And I won't. We shall try, that is all I can say at this point. I am past the DTs, but the craving is still there, the need, the want for the missing crutch. I am going to try to work on myself. Meditation, walks on the grounds when I am better. I need to avoid Remus. We both do. I love him like a brother, but with him, he brings a poison. Damn you Remus. Well, anyway, we talked. Severus and I, then we left my rooms, and went back to the conjugal bed and fell into each other's arms. It was one of those rare couplings for us. Silent except for soft groans, and sighs of pleasure, surrender, and release. It was slow and gentle, more than our normal ruts. We laid together afterward in silence for nearly two hours, just holding each other, and breathing in each other's scent, listening to each other's heartbeats. After that, we rose to shower and eat. I want to try cooking again soon, I want THAT to be my therapy, my ladder out of this pit. I still can't stand for long periods of time, I will have to summon a stool to set on while I cook. I hate being lame. I hope I get over this soon. Ah... Severus is here now *writing gets smudgy, and unreadable.* Pet Me

Tea for two [13 Dec 2002|07:28pm] [ mood | cranky ] But not the two you would expect. Well, it wasn't with Severus, he is at School of course, until Firday, perhaps longer if he decides to not come home this weekend... I don't want to think about that possibility. But anyway, Remus came to see me, he brought tea and pastries, and some conversation. Things are strained now between us. More so than ever before. He is gone now, and I am tired. I don't do much of anything but lie in bed and get tended to by the elves. God, I want to be on my own again. Not free of Severus, but well, mobile, healthy. Better. That seems like so little to ask, but so much to accomplish right now. Why does it have to be so damned difficult for us? Haven't Severus and I suffered enough already? Can't we just live together, a couple of rich, happy bugger buddies and relax? Apparently not. Pet Me

Hello again world [10 Dec 2002|08:41pm] [ mood | lonely ] I am awake now. Alone and in a bed. I am not in Severus' our bed. I am in the bed in "My Room". The room given to me by Severus should I ever need "space". I ache all over, and certain parts of me are in excrutiating pain. My neck. I remember what he did to me, and I have flashes of what I did to him. He's gone of course, back to Hogwarts for the week, I won't see him until Friday Night, if at all this comiing weekend. It's Tuesday, I slept through Sunday and Monday apparently, and only vaguely recall waking up partially to be taken to the lav by someone.... House elves most likely. I can't move much on my own. It bit me, he made it bite me, or it was defending him, I don't know. In any case, it poisoned me. It has killed once before; Victor Maxwell, and nearly did in Voldemort with it's tiny fatal bite. He wanted to kill me. I saw it in his eyes. I am not sure why. Possession, ownership. It has something to do with that I feel. Territory, and the marking of. He certainly did the marking well enough. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror this morning as I was moved for a sponge bath and a change of sheets. My neck is ringed with black and purple bruises shaped like the long, and deceptively strong fingers of Severus Snape. Near the front of my throat is an even uglier mark, a greenish brown bruise, circular and surrounding two white infected spots from a tiny vipers bite. My arms shake when I use them to write this, or to lift myself up, I can't move anything below my waist. I wonder how much of this is permanent. I thought I was going to die. I think in that moment, he wanted me to. So what stopped him? I will never know I have a feeling. I can only vaugely remember what he was feeling, what I was feeling. As for now, I don't know how to feel. We both were provoked, we both provoked each other. The common thread is Remus. I want to find who is at fault, whether it is me or him, I just want to know. Why? Closure and analysis I suppose. From what I can recall, it went something like this: He started provoking me during and after dinner. I took a shot at him verbally, then went to bed. He came in later, pissed off, and woke me, we snarked back and forth, then he grabbed me and bound my hands. I am convinced it was going to be "The boy, the desk, and the Potions Master" all over again. I told him I was not in the mood and he pursued until I shifted. He threw me to the floor, then I tried to get loose, then some how I was on the bed again, he was staring at me, and we were yelling at each other in our minds and then I snapped and attacked him. Then he retaliated and used the Ouroboros against me. I was being choked, by him, the Ouroboros, then it bit me, and he held onto my throat until I passed out. I again wonder what kept him from killing me. Love? Selfish ownership of a Possession? I don't know. I still love him, but God, I fear him now. Should I send him an owl? What would I say? What I would say would most likely be more appropriate said face to face. I can't convince myself we will never speak again. If he wanted me dead, or truly gone. I would be. Should I use the Ouroboros? I am not sure it would allow me or if I have the right. It was a gift after all. Damn elves. They won't bring me any wine or mead. Nothing alchoholic. Instructions from the Master I am sure. I recall the insult he said to me that set me off. That I smelled distastful. I don't know. He knows now I am sure how much I am drinking, or at least the Clue Light has finally gone on with him. I wonder how that will change things. I suppose I should concern myself with learning how mobile I will be again first. The sign of the true addict, worrying most about HOW you are getting your next fix above all. The shaking in my hands may be from the alchohol withdrawl, I have heard the first 48 hours are the worst, and thanks to being poisoned and comatose for two days, I seem to have missed most of that torment. I am not so sure that was a good thing. Painless, or relatively painless detox. What will I say to him when he returns? Will I say anything? Will he say anything? I know what I want him to say, but I am trying not to hold out for that. He can speak three languages fluently and a physical one as well, but as for "I'm Sorry." he never learned those words in any dialect. Pet Me

[07 Dec 2002|07:09pm] [ mood | enraged ] Rot in Hell. Rot in Hell, they can BOTH now go rot in Hell. Remus with his pityful, simpering deference, and Severus with his facade of politeness and calling me "love" in a saccharine voice when I know he doesn't mean it and is only doing it to provoke. Bastards! Both of them! I love one, and want to help the other, that's all! What do I get for my efforts???? Shit upon, and derision, and false words of endearment. Screw them both all the way to Hell and back. Pet Me

That insufferable bastard! [07 Dec 2002|05:56pm] [ mood | annoyed ] And for once, I DON'T mean Severus. I mean Remus. I cannot fathom what he has become, what he has let himself become. He is a whinging, self pitying, cowardly whelp. Poor Remus, can't let anyone help him. Poor Remus doesn't deserve to be helped by his friends. Poor Remus will bring woe and angry villagers with torches to the gate if he stays with the noble Snapes. Bullshit. I don't know what he is playing at, or what the bloody hell his game is now, but I don't care for it. Not one bit. I went through emotional Hell with Severus last night to get him a roof over his head, and I am sure there is more to come. This is how he repays my kindness and the hospitality of Severus? I could have rung his neck with all the garbage he said to me. I just don't understand what has happened to him. I really don't. Well, I must set out dinner. More later. As ever. Pet Me

Oh the pain.... [06 Dec 2002|05:40pm] [ mood | sore ] Of so many things, really. After my scolding by Severus, after telling him Remus was here, and he moved Remus into the Main House, I left him at the door to his study, and while he (presumeably) went to bed, I wandered around the house like a poltergeist until I found a resting place. The Wine Cellar. I already was drunk from dinner, but put another bottle away by myself as I sat down there sobbing like a damned child. Bordeaux instead of Merlot, and the headache I had this morning when I finally rose from the dead was phoenominal. I can't recall when I last felt such pain, nausea and misery. I usually don't get hungover. But then, I usually don't consume a bottle of Bordeaux by myself. Nothing was said by Severus about "The Night Before" at breakfast. Luckily, he seemed as ill as I was, and breakfast was tea and aspirin. He left for his day at Hogwarts, and I returned to my, our room where I cuddled the blankets and pillows that hold his scent, and laid there for the rest of the day and slept. Evening now. He will be home soon, for the weekend, and then there will be Three in the house. But not for long. I hope Remus takes getting moved into the remodled Guest House well. If this is to work out, for all of us, I think this is how it will have to be. I am not sure if Severus wants to tell him, or if I am supposed to. I suppose I could ask him. Dolt I am. No... not while he is at work. The Ouroboros is for emergencies while he is working. Not domestic strifes or erotic wishes. Dinner is ready, the table set for three. I told Remus to join us for dinner at 6:30 PM prompt. I hope he shows. Well, time to season the roast, and to put the bread in the oven. My man will be home soon, and the games shall begin. As ever. Pet Me

Remus Lupin [05 Dec 2002|06:15pm] [ mood | distressed ] Is here. Remus Lupin is in the Gatehouse. Remus Lupin the Werewolf, is in Severus Snape's Gatehouse. Remus Lupin, the Werewolf, my EX-lover is in the Gatehouse owned by Severus Snape, my current lover. Remus Lupin my Ex-Lover is in the Gatehouse owned by Severus Snape, my current lover, the man that OWNS me. Just making sure I have this all straight in my head BEFORE Severus gets home, and I try to pass this off to him as something he will be HAPPY about. I've finished supper, and am working on my second bottle of wine. That should just about do it. Right. What the Hell was I thinking??? Severus LOATHES Remus, Werewolves and any combination there of. He is going to flay me alive. Cheers! Pet Me

Now I lay me down to sleep [30 Nov 2002|11:20pm] Well, the dinner the other night went well. Albus and Minerva were so much fun. Severus was his usual self and better. He doesn't fool me for a minute, he enjoys when his peers come to see us. OK, maybe he doesn't ENJOY it, but, it's a nice change of pace for us. I like having guests over, and he loathes it. I can be so cruel at times to him. Imagine, torturing him with FRIENDS! Oh the horror... Pet Me

Ugh! [27 Nov 2002|04:28pm] How could I have forgotten? Minerva and Albus coming over for dinner tomorrow!!! I have most of what I need in the pantry thanks to my food packrat mentality, and keeping things stocked up. I need fresh meat for the main course... Not sure what to select. Asking Severus for suggestions is futile. He hates these sort of things, and it will take all of my mental abilities and persuasion to keep him a charming part of the evening and not the Bat Lingering in the Corner of the Parlor. Lamb. Lamb roast. I will do a roast and mint sauce and some braised baby vegetables, some creacked kernel bisquits, and for dessert.... Hm... Pastry or Ice Cream.. Well, I need to get to the Market. I won't drag Sev along, I will let him work, and bring him back a flagon of something nice from The brewer. Pet Me

The days of wine and roses... [23 Nov 2002|08:45pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | The crackle of the fire. ] Well, wine anyway. Less of it. Usually. I have not quite gotten down to the TWO bottles a day my therapist wants me to, but I am down to a solid three, or on a good day, two and a half. I use the leftovers for cooking, so at least it's not going to waste, right? Severus is now, working of course, on his thesis paper. He is putting his LIFE into this project. It is consuming him, but not in a bad way as far as I can tell. He NEEDS this sort of thing to keep him calm, sane. I suppose I should take a leaf ouf of his book and find some sort of cerebral hobby for myself. Maybe design crossword puzzles for the Daily Prophet or something mundane like that. Right. Dinner was nice. I cooked lamb chops in sherry with mushrooms from our cellar, and apple crisp for dessert with fresh whipped cream. Severus loved it, ate until he nearly burst, and then went back to work. He had promised me that he will knock off around nine, and the rest of the evening is ours. That will be nice. We are both in the study now, I am reading, working on this, and he is working. It will be nice to relax, especially after the morning run I gave him today. I am such a bad dog. He wouldn't have me any other way.... Pet Me

A quiet moment [17 Nov 2002|11:36am] [ mood | relaxed ] Well, lunch is nearly done, and I am setting down to put an entry in before the sun from the windows puts me into a coma. Yes, I could lie in the sun all day and sleep my life away if I didn't have another to busy myself with, to care for. Severus is working, again. This time on a letter to Albus. They are asking more of him, again. It never stops. Where MOST people would see it as a compliment and a credit to their skills, he sees it as a burden and invasion of his life. I suppose that is such because, part of him, is quite happy with how he lives now. I know I am. At least we will be going out for a while this afternoon. I have convinced him to walk with me to the village for supplies for my pickling project. The walk will do us both good, although he would never admit that even if put upon a pyre and lit afire. The bread smells wonderful, and I have added the vegetables for the stew. Everything should be ready in a few moments. I wonder if I should call him or rely on his nose to sense when the meal is ready. I need to post to Harry, to just see how he is doing at the University. I am glad I was able to convince him to go onto higher learning. It will hopefully keep him from settling down and breeding at a young age. Time to finish the meal. More later. 1 Stroke| Pet Me

Journal Entry [16 Nov 2002|04:55pm] [ mood | happy ] Home again. Snape Manor. I find I am adjusting to it quite easily, I revel in the pampering, elegance and richness of it all. My life is my own to live at last, and I desire to live it well. To live it with Severus. He posesses me, my every thought, action and deed. This is how is is SUPPOSED to be. Sychronicity. The perfectly blended potion. Speaking of which, I am overdue in getting to the lab. He is not calling yet but sending an idle, wandering thought as to what in the bloody blazes I am doing. Perhaps not idle. My Severus NEVER has an idle thought. Eternally. Pet Me

*Knock Knock* [16 Nov 2002|01:43pm] [ mood | annoyed ] Severus! Dammit! Did you change the charm on the front door again?! Bloody House Elves won't let me in again!! 1 Stroke| Pet Me

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