Spiralling in and out of reality   
06:09pm 21/02/2004
 
mood: ecstatic
music: A NIGHT ON XTC- S.F.L. Paint it Black
This post is on my wonderful yet horrifying experience on tuesday into the early hours of wednessday, do to popular request...
So after poppin three codeines in school thnx to my best buddy brian, i arrived home to find my long awaited package had finally arrived in the mail. so once i finally got to examining it i realized i had no way what so ever to measure it since i had failed to theft the digital scale from stovers room this afternoon, but i figured hey i havnt gotten high for a while and i have to test the potencty b4 i sell, so i took a little taste. first i dipped a finger it tasted worse then tussin god it was bad, so i decided to fill up a 30mg adderol cap and popped it quick i waited bout an hour and felt nothin, so i figured maybe i didnt do enough so i filled up a 750 mg GABA suplement capsule with some and downed it, i figured it only b around 300 mg cus im stupid, but even after that i barely felt a thing so i filled up another adderol capsule and downed that too after about thirty minutes... after a half hour of listening to music i started to feel a sway in my movement like usual and i pumped up the volume on my stereo and was literally ravin, dancin and flailing with no inhibitions at all, and i was still quite coherent. so after a while i decided to watch some TV for a while i layed upside down on my couch and the ceiling of the room literally started to twist around me like it was caving, i was so freaked out so i got up started stumbling around and just trying to do succesive 360's as fast as i could, the room wouldnt stop spinning when i finally stopped it was crazy so i went to lay down for a little... i just suddenly got this weird idea to start huppin the couch so i started humpin the couch for about an hour in an euphoric daze until finally my parents arrived home. after barely gettin out that my homework was done and tellin them i was gonna go watch a movie in the basement i walked down into my pitch black basement, still not totally wasted and started rolling around on the floor flippin and spinning in an attempt to break dance, god that really makes ur head spin when ur in the middle of a trip. So i shit down turn on the movie when i decide to call brian, god its hard to think straight and talk when ur high, after just layin euphoric in a corner talkin for about an hour saying god knows what my parents called me for dinner... aw fuck i had to practically crawl up the stairs and each step i moved one leg at a time in front of my dad, OMG im so glad hes so oblivious, after barely gettin out a few sentences i ran/fell down the stairs and slinked into a corner of the coach and watch REQUIEM. my head was flooded with pleasure and extacy i was blinded by the sensation almost crippled by the mind numbing orgasmic feeling throughout my body, i just started wailin on my face and legs as hard as i possible could and i couldnt feel a thing so i finally look over to the corner towards some shadows and i swear i see a gang of black fol chillin and smokin in the corner of my basement so i got up and made it over there way once i got closer to some light everything shocked into a new vision every color and shape was mad up of little pixelated blocks, it was like i was in an early 90's nintendo game it was so insane... then i remember running up the stairs yellin somethin like im spinnign like a fox, in the trees, and laughin histerically, i got past my parents and went online, i couldnt hit a key for my life, i sat there tryin as hard as i could only gettin about two letters in each word correct, so cait tells me to call and after talkin to me she convinces im gonna die but thats ok cus i think im GOD and nothin can hurt me so i start yellin at jenava and telling her she should dump sean cus hes an ass and hes gonna fuck up her life and she got pissed, whilst i was talkin to sean, lol OMG i was literally blinded by whiteness alll i could see was pleasure all around me it was like an incredible dream... after my parents came up i went to bed and they started goin off on me and decided i was grounded cus they always decide to get really mad at me when im high in bed and i dont give a fuck so after that i just laid in bed up in cloud9 waitin for the morning... the aftergllow wasnt all that pleasant but once i took a dramamine it brought me down a bit made me feel more stable... and my career is starting to kick off, this stuff is amazing, for real and the sXe kids a really startin to piss me and brian off... LOL sXe for life im sorry kelsey thought i died i really didnt want to worry her and i was thinkin abouther alot while i was up late... i cant wait to see her, but im lookin forward to some more good times so later
<3 Tom		  
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one hell of a week   
11:17am 10/02/2004
 
mood: loved
music: Mad World- Gary Jules
So i sit hear at home, sick from school, damn my meds eatin my stomach when i dont take them. well i havnt posted in a long long time, so i thought he why not i can try and remember about half of the crazy shit thats happened in the last week. I guess ill start with first things first, so during this week i got strungout on wednessday cus i stayed home, i pretty much just watched donny darko like 10 times and talked on AIM alot, well the next day on thursday i think it was i decided id go again but this time in school, it hit me 100X harder this time tho, the whole world was spinning around me, every thing was bright and wonderful and nothing in the world matter, i could think of nothing but the mind numbing ecstasy of the whole situation, i seriously fell so behind in school, and half the ppl in school guessed i was high on sumtin, cus i was enjoying myself way to much. i didnt sensor anything i said what was on my mind and talked to everybody, i think i actually did bttr at poetry bcus i was high, lol. well after coming down from my 16 hour high, i decided i was done with that for the weekend, i actually had tutoring that nighht, since it was my last session me and my tutor didnt feel like doin any work so we sat and talked for the longest of times, she told me just about all her drug experiences and i told her about my fucked up life, i really like her shes a good person. after i sold her some of my DXM which she was very interested in for top dollar, we decided to play sesame street matching game and justlaugh at everything i swear we must of been high, i never thought a game for ages 3-6 could b so fucking amazingly fun, so we chilled for the remainder of the time and she toook my #, tryin to suggest me to some of her girlfriends so hopefully ill get some business. So friday brian and mike decided to drop the c's, dumbasses, lol, brian walked into the pep rally and started buggin when he heard the heavy trance, i feel bad for messin with him a little but he couldnt come over so i was pissed. after that mark couldnt come over cus he got in a n argument with his mom tried to knife her and run away to my house, he didnt make it tho his mom called the cops, and linz couldnt come to the movies either cus her dad and her got in a fight he hit her and she tried to run away as well, resulting in being grounded. i had ben over instead since he wanted to chill, i felt like such a bad friend tho cus i left him in the basement for hours while i sorted things out with mark linz, kelsey and cait. but he ended up having an eventful night so its all good. so me and ben proceeded to meet cait at the movies since kels was gonna b a lil late, i chilled with her for a little but she had to go to a movie so i ended up chilling with ryan mann since i was waiting for kelsey. me ben ryan and nick chilled for an hour or so in the arcade till i met some new ppl sloan, john, carl, becca, and a bunch of other ppl i also got requanted with a real old friend margaret, she wants to chill sometime soon. so after makin my debut as a dealer and moving all of my product within ten minutes for 30$, kelsey showed up, it was so fuckin good to see her again, god she is so fuckin cute. and ben ended up hookin up with sloane, since sloane was interested in me and i was taken. we just chilled and spooned for along time since no movies were showing we ended up walking alll the way down and around target then ending back up at regal, ending our night at the movies meeting rudy, who i thought would b queer and chilling with cummins(good man) and apparently my nipples are quite fragrant according to kelsey, well after meeting all my perspective clients me and ben decided to pick mark up for a good old fashioned ssleep over since it was only 12 and his night was shit so far. he came over we watched some movies, i fell asleep, they went out to the gas station i wouldnt come tho cus i was so euphoric i couldnt get up from my ecstatic daze. but the night was good overall we never did get to octies house to trash it, since i was dead tired.
Saterday me and mark decided to go to the mall, noone could come but i decided to go "shopping", god that turned out bad, i got 7 shirts, 4 pairs of boxers from pacsun, 3 DVD's, a pimp necklace a DC belt, a pimp jack daniels hat, these silk playboy boxers and a lighter and a ton of bracelets. but it all got coped at FYE, omg worst experience of my life. the mangaer apparently scared my friend outta the store so i was standin around look for him when 3 employees surround me, they ask me to look in the bag i refuse, after them insisting and me refusing again, they grabbed my bag, i resisted the manager jumped on my back and tackled me to the ground, continiueing to tell me how he was a trained marine and if i moved he would break my back, after having my bag stolen by another employee, i threw the guy off my back and made a mad dash for the door and found mark, i was fuckin balling i couldnt beleive what just fuckin happened, after being deeply depressed i decided to go to the show at calvary so i could maybe be cheeered up that kinda sucked even more, lindzs stuf got trashed and mark flew into a pshcotic rage, i had to chase him down after he heard these crazy voices and tackle him before he jumped into oncoming traffic, i was so fucking scared, after i calmed him down and got him back to the church he went ape shit and started yelling and attacking a sign with a fury, omfg i thought he was gonna break both his hands, i tackled him and restrained him on the ground, and we ordered pizza hut from there on the street corner and me ben and linz nursed him back to health. i was mad cus kelsey couldnt come and the night was alright besides all the drama, well the next day i couldnt do anything, but kelsey is my valentine <333 so every thing seemed bttr, i still gotta think up something to do, well brian was sick monday, and im sick today, but ive been feeling loved lately, and ive made so many new good friends, im just waiting for my package to arrive. well this is long enough for one sitting im out for a while, peace
~Tom		  
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School is Uncool   
01:08pm 03/02/2004
  alright so here i sit at home while everyone is stuck in school. haha im such a deviant! had to stay home and mail off my payment for my "package". So yesterday i decided to go alooking for a money order at happy harrys last period, so i asked to go to the bathroom ran out the building leaving my charter shirt as a door stop and sprinting over to the fine retailer that is happy harrys. Well they didnt have my money order but i wasnt goin to leave empty handed, even tho i knew the coriceden had been tagged i decided to grab 5 boxes cus, hey i really just dont give a fuck anymore, so on my way out guess who just happens to walk in, Mr Stover, god damn so i had to dive behind a shelve and practically run out behind his back with the sensors goin off as i made my gettaway. haha brian and mike were beggin me for the shit when i got back and told em what i had done. and cait is makin me save her a box as well, god bless their junkie hearts, as for me i decided to take a small dose of 90mg to help me go to sleep and enjoy my movie "donny darko" for the third time, its some good shit u gotta check it out. im really feeling bttr with these anti depressants they are a god send, now all i need to deal with is my boredom but ppl always want to do shit its just a matter of me getting up off my ass, im not sure if im slowly slipping or if ive finally found myself. everything i used to believe seems so shallow and unimportant now, seriously all that matters now is having fun at all cost. well hopefully this weekend everyone will get to gether like planned and we will have a good time DXMin it, i hope kels can come i havnt seen her in like 3 weeks, shes a cool girl. mark and lindz best come as well, dont know how thats gonna work out if cait decides to come, maybe she will take a liking to brian, who knows, to much drama in my fucking life but hey we need something to occupy our time right, just hopin for some good times and hopefully some snowboarding, yeh! well if any one reads this which they proly wont cus know one knows i have a journal, ask me and u can most likely join us.
Well later i think im gonna drink or DXM and watch donny darko again, peace
~Tom		  
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Back in Business   
05:47pm 01/02/2004
 
mood: crazy
music: Sublime- Summertime
well starting off the weekend, friday in school i tried some of brians purple mystery pills, i felt like i was on XTC or crack or something i was so freakin wired and my head was soaring. i think mrs. scurria thinks im retarded as well as the rest of my spanish class, ahh good times. after that i was set to meet Cait and Kels at the movies but kelsey got sick... grrr and after i dropped cait off her present, she had to run to a suprise party i wasnt aware of. so my friday was fucked. but its all good. then satarday i did absolutely nothing except setting up my new drug scheme which i will discuss later and watching the awesome movie, "Donny Darko" it was good. Sunday it was off to the auto show with mark were i tought mark that theft is fun, haha im such a clepto, i got like 4 cell phone covers, avaitors and a cd case. all which i didnt really need but whatever its free, right? so my weekends mostly been spent on the scheme!.
Alright so all of DXM recent bad press has made it almost impossible to find, so i decided after being inspired by a totse post that i should buy some pure DXM and sell it in pill form keeping some for myself since its impossible to find as of now. So after some research i decided to purchase a hefty 20 g via the internet for delivery. i figure that should net me close to 500 profit if i move it all and whatever i make i can reinvest and expand. im on a tear to find some new clients so im gonna scout out regal. Well im hoping this venture turns out good, im off to go work on my pills, later
~ Tommy B		  
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Progression...   
10:13pm 28/01/2004
 
mood: cheerful
music: Jeffereson Airplane- White Rabbit
Hasnt this just been a wonderful 5 day weekend... been busy none stop thnx to my bestest buddy mark, hes been introducin me to lots of new friends and hangin with me alot lately, its nice havin someone around. hes dramaticly improved the quality of my life, i owe alot to him. i used to thik only the lucky few were bestowed the privelege of happiness, sex and friends but marks shone me that everyone needs and wants friends and that all women want the cock. openening a world of fun for me, haha good times. i think ive made more new friends and scrump buddys this week then i have in the last year and im lookin forward to many new aquantances and a world of XTC(not the drug). well i got to get ready for our friday ritual of meeting ppl at regal, and this week its caits birthday so were gonna have a little extra fun i just need to round up the party favors, gonna b good times. lookin forward to seein all my new friends again lets recap my new ppl i met; kels, linz, matt, panda,cait,reesey and ive been gettin tighter with all my other pals to, life is loookin up for once and im lovin it, started jelqin again to, just need to start liftin and pullin good grades aand my life will b perfect... i really cant wait till i can drive now, it shall b great. well im off parents are bitchin at me
Tommy B		  
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better then yesterday, worse then tommorow   
12:05pm 26/01/2004
 
mood: loved
music: outkast
Lately ive been feeling fucking fantastic, so today we have a snow day which would have been off anyway but whatever. ben called he wants to sled, im gonna try and get a hang of mark and possibly kelsey and my new friend lindsey. about that so yesterday me and mark and ben go to the mall and meet up with this cool punk emo girl lindsay and her friends big asian(panda) and some little kid, so we get to chillin and decide to hang at the movies later. so we hook up at the movies on sunday night when nothings showin we run into matt cummings and DDR it up cus he's a wanna b asian, and we decide to goto ur babys daddy, it was fun times and im really like the whole meet 2 new friends every weekend thing, thnx to mark. Its weird all the kids i meet that went to rockford are so much nicer and have so much more life experience, i dont know thats my 3rd friend now thats been in rockford and i think the crazier someone is the more i like them. well im lookin forward to some good times, and i hope my bout of depression is over for good.

well im out TB yall		  
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Well...   
09:33pm 24/01/2004
  i had fun at the movies last night with mark cait and ben. i was countin on a few more ppl bein there but apparently cait lied to some ppl so they wouldnt come along. that girls comes off so nice its hard to imagine she could b such a bitch at heart but i dont know i cant judge, i was just put off bout what she did to kels. but ya so i was supposed to go to the movies with brian, heather zach and a shat load of other ppl but do to my lack of planning/ slow dad i was unable to make contact with brian and got shafted out of a night of fun, but its all good, im goin to the movies with mark, and a ton of girls tmmrw so it should b fun. hopefully snowboarding doesnt fall thru on monday cus im lookin forward to that.

so ive started this anti anxiety medication but its not supposed to kick in for a few weeks but i swear it has to b working cus i have never felt so strung out and out of it, while maintaning hapiness for so long. maybe its just a physcosymatic effect or im just happy(that hasnt happened for a good long while). i dont know i finally starting to enjoy life and i just need to put myself out there. i shoulda learnt this a long time ago from my good friend josiah but i never put 1 qnd 1 together, hope hes doing bttr, and stop abusing oxy and tryptamines. its hard tho when ur 21 u got a bad back u just got laid off and ur gf just dumped u. at least my life isnt that bad, yet. i think instead of focussing on specific ppl i want to b my friends im gonna start looking in the obvious places and b less discriminant. i swear there are so many ppl that make an effort to bcome closer to me and i just kick them away from me, like i think im bttr then them or something. well heres to everyone ive pissed off and been a dick too

dazed and confused i just dont give a fuck
everythings spinning and terribly wrong but my mind is numb, so it all seems ok and dont give a fuck...
but when the sensation fades and the depression invades, i regret the day i just forgot to care,
now i sit here wishing everything was normal and i had shown some restraint but i cant really raise a complaint cus some ppl wer made to live fast and die young

well to everyone srry ive fucked up, i just hope u can forgive my charecter and some day trust me

well im out ~Tommy B		  
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not a care in the world   
01:37pm 23/01/2004
 
music: tag team- big booty ho's
Well midterms are over. think i failed half of em but its all good. I just got a script for some paxil and so far i feel just amazing, maybe i really do have an anxiety problem, who knows who cares. Well this weekend should be some good fun since im goin snowboarding on sunday, to the movies with some friends tonight and i got monday off, sweet! lately ive been feeling like alot of ppl hate me, but guess what i dont even fucking care anymore. seriously steve has been the cause of most of my problems lately, like him telling jenava i like her alot, making shit akward. seriously i was just tryin to b her friend but if she wants to get all pms' and such over nothing i dont even care. and im notsure if theresa, steve, correy and a slew of other ppl arent talkin to me or if its just midterms in general. ehh whatever. i guess im just a little tired of everyone thinking im a complete druggie/drug dealer/dumb fuck when im really not, it would b shorta ok if i actually indulged in drugs but since i dont it just kinda pisses me off. i dont know i just hope i can still b friends with everyone despite what has been preset in their head about me. i think im gonna b more secretive, leave a little to the imagination from now on. ppl like mystery, keeps em guessin. i really need to do bttr this marking period. i think i might actually try for once, im thinkin ill go out 2-3 nights a week and ill stear clear of distractions the rest of the week. i just need to get my life back in line. start working out, and jelqing again. less talk of drugs and wasted nights should help as well. well im off to figure out my weekend specifics im out ~tom		  
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Nothing Sacred   
03:49pm 20/01/2004
 
mood: good
music: blister in the sun--- violent femmes
So i went on the ski trip, at first i was having trouble crawling out of my depressed state but once we got to vermont i started to have some fun. it was just good to b around ppl, after jenava and steh'm got done shrumpin on the bus, steve was braggin about how he was feelin up her puss and tits on the bus, which on my opinion is just wrong considering they both have significant others. jenava took a liking to correy, agian wrong, and i was being playful with no ill intentions and jenava decides to inform correy and steve that " im all over her" and she would like it to stop, while mean while shes spooning/massaging correy. it wouldnt have bothered me if she told me but the fact that steve had to do it for her made me feel like shit. i dont knwo just the fact that shes so unfaithful at the drop of a hat along wiht steve as well just makes me loose faith in ppl in general. well the next day i had a hella fun time partying/dicking around/skiiing the eagles lost but meh who cares, i met alot of cool ppl and im really getting to know prior aquantinces bttr. the last day me and big MB went out alone which was actually bttr then i had expected we did a ton of black diamonds and even a double, hes anice kid. after all that we got on the bus and i got to get to know theresa bttr shes really cool/nice which proved my preconceved notions about her wrong, i guess u shouldnt judge ppl cus they go out with seniors and such. haha i helped her hide from matt who wouldnt stop stroking her, he wouldnt take a hint, and then we chilled and slept shes comfy. she actually said something that made me feel bttr about this world, she told me something along the lines of she didnt want matt touching her bcus she didnt want her bf to think she was cheating on him cus she would never do that (that gained my respect). well now the whole junior class thinks jenavas a slut and they dislike her bcus she goes out with big poser. and the soph's now she her as a slut which she really doesnt deserve shes a good person, just with bad judgement. i hope it all blows over for her sake and i hope i didnt mess up theresa that much with the adderol. well we will see theres to much to write so im out

Later Tom		  
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God fucking damnit   
09:18pm 15/01/2004
 
mood: aggravated
music: chocking victim- fucked reality
when i tell my dad i got something and to leave me alone, what does he do search my room. So my dad found 100 triple c' caplets in my room and now my dad and mom think im a junkie and suicidal which actually makes me consider being so. i wouldnt have even tried drugs if they didnt make my life blow so much. right now the only ppl that make me happy im not alowed to see. Well ive convinced my parents i have anxiety problems so i better get a script for xanax so at least i can feel bttr every once and a while. I just feel like the whole world hates me, i was gonna drop some DXM tommorow with brian but i dont think thats going down and bcus of the ski trip i cant even see kelsey, mark cait and all those other wonderful ppl. and the ski trips proly gonna make me hate myself more because the only person i dont want to hit has a crackhead boy friend and anytime im actually having fun, as a friend she feels the need to declare publicly shes not hitting on me or shes not flirting with me, whichc im not even expecting but it still takes a hit on my self esteem. the best times in my life is when i forget the world, when my heads spinning and i forget my problems. I think i need to just forget my standards and find pleasure in whatever and whoever i can. i just need purpose in my life again, my only really good quality is my commitment maybe ill start lifting and jelqing again or maybe i really just need a relationship. i dont know but hopefully i work through this hell of a life of mine and b happy for more then a day a week.

Im a loser
im jesus christ
im satan
im me

Im tired of living in this fucked reality

well everything will b bttr one day, hopefully soon well im out
RXTom		  
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07:04pm 13/01/2004
  i dont think im ment to be happy. anything i mean anything can make my day shit. if someones having an off day and is pissed at me, if someone dashes my inconsqeuntial hope, if anyones life apears even remotly better then mine, i dunno i just cant be happy. I think for the past four months my parents have been fucking up my life by force feeding me an amphetimines which make me dazed and antisocial, which directly makes me depressed. I swear the harder they try the more my life sucks, they are even threatening to take me off the ski trip, if i dont get all my hw in bullshit!. i dont know maybe if i just stop pushing everyone away and keeping unreal standards for myself and others i could be happy. i think that just might be my new years resolution  
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Sometimes I wish the End was here   
10:26am 10/01/2004
 
mood: crushed
music: pornosonic- Sexercise
I figured since everbody and there mother has a fuckin journal why not me, considering i have so many problems. Well first things first, i just found out my dads been drugging me for the past 4 months after i explictly told him the medication(adderol) was fucking up my life. God damnit ADD isnt even a real disorder, but that explains why ive been so depressed, confused and wayward lately. and no it hasnt been helping my grades despite what my dad may think considering i think im failing like 3 classes right now. Im starting to care less and less, i think im gonna thefterize my medication or OD to piss my parents off.

Last night I tried my first hit of DXM, which i wasnt going to do but ian was being a total dick and im a little unstable so i figured why not, its not like my life can get any worse. So mee brian and mike hit up the triple c's and for the first time in a while i felt good i forgot all my pain, then i went and talked to a bunch of people i usually dont talk to and hung with beau roddy and a bunch of other people, since they dont descriminate and hate who theyve never even talked too. There are actually alot of nice people at CSW its just hard to see it when your in a classroom i guess. Brian was acting really fucked up haha he almost passed out on the ground, we were both a little fucked up but it made it alot easier for me to talk to people and be funny and charming while'st doing so, Im not sure i want to get addicted again considering my oxy addiction just made me even more depressed and issolated once the mind numbing high wore off, but it just makes me feel so good when nothing else can. Well i went to science fair while i was comming off my high i pretty much just slept for two hours until the judges finally came, it overall sucked the cock. i did have fun afterschool though.

Then when i finally get home my parents tell me i cant go fucking snowboarding with the only people in my life that actually make me fucking happy, bcus i didnt turn in a little homework. then the next morning they wake me up and tell me theyve been drugging me every morning and it was for my own good. for one they couldve killed me bcus if i woulda decided to take a 40' dose of it myself eith the 40' they were slippin in my food, my heart wouldve exploded and id be in the hospital.plus the synergys mixed with the other meds i abuse, bad fuckin idea. and also thats the reason i cant gain weight no matter how hard i try, i wondered why i could get 3000 calories down lift 3 tiimes a week and not gain a pound, I HATE MY PARENTS. No matter how good things really are, i always feel like im in a world of shit. i always focus on the one thing i cant obtain when i have so much in my grasps.

but i guess my depression really isnt a curse since its my only motivating factor, although it only motivates me to lift bigger and bttr items from stores. see i dont cut myself like the emos, when i wish for death I walk into a store and steal as much fuckin shit as i can, my target right now is a 400$ portable dvd player from bestbuy, thats my only real talent i can steal anything from anyone ive got every stores security, psycological, and security standings mapped out in my mind. thats the reason most people respect me but respect isnt everyting, theres much more to life.
well i wish i was with my friends but i think im gonna start some shit with my parents since they cant touch me since theyve been lying to me for months, maybe ill hit up the ccc's again i dont know. but im out

Tommy B		  
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  rxfiend