| Forever |
[19 Nov 2012|12:30am] |
A part of me wants to delete this so called blog.
Too many eyes now know all my secrets
But maybe I secretly wanted that because it is posted on my facebook.
So why not?
Let the whole world know where I hang my dirty laundry..
I've grown so much since the beginning of this.
But in some ways, I haven't changed one bit.
One part is family
...I absolutely love my family now.
Yes somedays we are dysfunctional.
But what family isn't?
One thing I don't want ever is for my husband to leave me
Like my sister's husband did..
I would rather be alone than to go through what she has
Marriage is FOREVER not for a couple years.
He's a piece of shit and I wish she would see that.
She doesn't need him and all he does is bring her down..
Gosh, these are the nights when my mind goes racing
About all the mistakes, all the lies that have been told.
It's a never ending battle really.
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| Where there is desire..there will be a flame. |
[19 Nov 2012|12:23am] |
I can't write because I know you're reading this.
I for some odd reason don't want you to see my deep dark secrets anymore..
Tyler got married Saturday
And to be truthful...
I didn't feel much.
I thought I would be a depressed mess
But I wasn't.
Not even a little bit
ooookay, maybe just a little when his friends came in to see how I was
That was a little too much for me
But other than that, I was fine.
Guess it was closure, finally....
I have this song on repeat and lord I have no idea why
Try by Pink...
Touching song.
ugh, I told you I wouldn't be able to write.
You, me, happiness.
It's in the cards right?
Or maybe it isn't.......
We shall never know because you won't let it happen.
I'm sick of love.
I know thats usually I want or crave or ask for
But I'm tired to waiting for Mr. Forever to knock on my door.
I'm tired of searching for him
but not even searching him...waiting him to find me.
So God, this is me completely giving up on love.
Your welcome, you pushed me to this.
Kayla always says God has his own little story for me
.....buuullshit.
White flag.
I'm done.
Seems like it will be another Christmas alone.
Three years.
Yikes.
You ruined this blog for me....god damn you
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| Your Ghost |
[13 Nov 2012|07:04pm] |
I open my eyes in the morning
and I no longer look at my phone hoping to your name
....I no longer think of you every second of the day
but you are fading from my life
....like you always do
but I know you will reappear when I forget you completely
Its like your magic trick.
I just want to show you love..
Love that you should want
but we all know you want something else
That something else is the only thing I'm not willing to give you
So leave me alone if you aren't here to stay for good
Please hear me out this time...
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| You |
[08 Nov 2012|11:55pm] |
You walked out on me.
I did nothing to deserve it.
I just want to say it,
I'm everything that you need..that you want
But yet you run from me....
ha. I'ma fool for you.
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| .....I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. |
[08 Nov 2012|10:59pm] |
I'm back again.
Heartbroken like always..
It seems God doesn't want me to be glowing and happy.
Just wants me to suffer through life
Okay dear, I'll take it.
How could you just walk away from the night we had!?
All the baggage and happiness that we did have?
How could you drag me along like you did
And then turn and act like you don't even know who I am
Well...I take that back.
Ignore me like you have no idea whom I am
It hurts, it cuts me really deep
To know that you can sleep so well at night
And all I can do is think of you.
Think of how you kissed me and loved me
Fuck me.
Why do I always do this to myself
Onto other depressing matters.
HE whoms name may not be spoken...
gets married next weekend
Congrats you fool
So glad you have a happy fuckin life.
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| Luck |
[18 Sep 2012|11:52am] |
It's desperate times comes to desperate measures.
When your so called best friends turn on you
You have to reach out to old ones and reunite the flame
So to speak.
I don't understand why God puts people in your lives
And they end up being bad for you...
Lesson learned
Kind of a hard lesson but I definitely have learned.
I just think that maybe I should crawl into a small hole and forget everyone
But thats not how to live a good life....
I just want to be happy with a man in my life.
Why can't that happen
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| the only man |
[19 Aug 2012|09:20pm] |
The only man who I would show my darkest secrets to
The man whom I would only cry in front of
Where the heck are you
and where have you been
Haven't heard a single peep out of you
and that is unlike you....
What is going on in your life that makes you so busy
What's going on in your life that makes me not good enough
Please reach out and get ahold of me...
I'm begging you
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| Come Wake Me Up |
[16 Aug 2012|10:36pm] |
You are like a distant memory...
A person I used to know ages ago.
It's almost like you were a dream and it never really happened
..you haunt me
I don't know how many times I have said that
I see pictures of you and its just like you were an old friend that grew distant from me.
But it way more than that.
You were my best friend and you were the one I ran to when I needed that one person.
I miss you so bad.
No one can fill that void.
I've tried and I just won't let anyone in.
I stop them right at the door
and act like I'm terribly busy or I just don't care
But that's not it
They aren't you
And I'm starting to think I need to start talking to a professional
Because I shouldnt be this way 2 years....almost 3 years after our break up
I should be in someone else's arms and not even thinking of you
Not even a second of wasting my time thinking of your name
But it's what I do and I can't stop...
I wish I could.....
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| Luck It Seems..isn't on my side |
[05 Jul 2012|09:06pm] |
I have absolutely everything I want in life.
A house, a great best friend, a wonderful job..
But of course, I'm sure you guessed it
I'm missing a man in my life...
I'm tired to waiting around for someone to just appear
It feels like it's never going to happen and maybe ..
it's because I'm waiting impatiently for my frog to appear
but he should be here by now
I'm 24 years old
And single...
It shouldn't be like this.
But it is
..
It seems like everything is so great
But also everything is going wrong
Such as, car battery...window motor.
I just want one thing to go right....
I haven't done anything bad to which karma would want revenge....
But it seems like shes out to get me.
Well heres to luck ladies and gentleman....
Hope it goes my way.
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| All Alone |
[08 Jun 2012|11:41pm] |
The one man that knew me like the back of his hand,
Knew my every smile, every tear, and every mistake
is getting married today...
I know you told me I could no longer talk about him
Buuuut. you aren't here to say no.
I'm 24...and all my exes are getting married....
I feel so alone...
like theres no one left for me.
Yes they are ex's for a reason but still...
I don't want to feel alone.
I want to feel loved and important..
bllllah here I go again
Not making any sense
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| Fifty Shades of Grey |
[03 Jun 2012|11:07pm] |
I want to tell you my every last secret
And I also want to tell you how you've hurt me
But I'm sure you know.
It's always this way isn't it
Me giving you my heart
and you giving me nothing in return....
I'm reading Fifty Shades of Grey
And he honestly abuses her, yes it's consented but it still hurts her.
Do you realize you do this to me?
Not physically of course.
But when you turn me away..
I feel so down graded and taken for granted
Yes it's easy to take me for granted
Because you could honestly tell me I'm ugly
And I would probably stick around.
okay... I probably wouldn't
But you get the jist of it, I hope.
...I read a line tonight in the book
Reminded me of you.
He says ... 'I'm fifty shades of fucked up'
That sums you up pretty well....
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| Hold Onto My Heart. |
[03 Jun 2012|08:37pm] |
I sit here with nothing to say
But so many thoughts run through my head.
As I sit here on this deck...
And think about all the things that are in my future,
I just wish my life would actually start.
I know you're sad right now, I apologize.
But its life, you have to get through it.
Or don't, thats your choice.
You will never move forward if you don't stop looking behind you.
You've made mistakes,
Everyone has.
But everyone eventually moves on.
Please do this soon because I can't keep patience for much longer.
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| 4 In The Morning. |
[29 May 2012|10:27pm] |
It's night like these that you start to think of all the people that have come and gone from your life.
It's sad to think that some people meant so much to you but decided to not stick around.
It hurts more when you think of how much time you invested in these people.
And then you start to think, where did it go bad
or do they even think of you?
Why can't people just speak their minds
And tell each other absolutely everything that's on their minds?
Wouldn't life be more simple
Or is better than people don't speak their minds?
For the 'cause of hurt..
Sometimes I wish I lived in a bubble...
So I didn't meet new people
Just to protect my heart.
But then there are times when you are blessed to meet new people
That change your life
or make your life better.
I'm rambling once again...
It's four in the morning and old friend crossed my mind.
It's a pity that people have to change...
I know it has happen or life would be boring as hell
But I just wish people wouldn't say goodbye..
or maybe I do wish they would actually say goodbye
and explain why they are leaving from your life...
And then there's other times when you wished some people would stay the hell out of your life forever..
haha now I'm getting hateful.
Goodnight world.
This blog is going no where
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| Unspeakable Thoughts |
[29 May 2012|12:55am] |
Everybody has them.
Those thoughts that you can't have anyone hear.
Most of those thoughts are mostly said to my best friend Paige.
But world... here are some.
I'm a horrible friend.
I know this, you know this.
I sometimes always put myself first
And lately the friendship that has been effected the most from this
Is the one I value the most.
It's my friendship with my best friend, Kayla.
I could tell you why it has been effected
And it's because we are at two different times in our lives.
As I said previously, she has the family
And I have the single life.
I really don't see this changing in the near future..
It's just I don't know how to exactly equal it out.
She hangs out with married couples
And I run from couples.
I don't like to be near them nor be stuck with them all night.
Yes, selfish, I told you this already.
She knows everything about me
If I end up telling her or if I don't
She knows, somehow.
She looks out for my best interest..
And tells me nothing but the truth.
I love this about her
She called me at 2 in the morning
And received my voicemail.
Her message included these words
'My water broke...and you are not answering your phone'
I will never forget her tone of voice in that message.
I was not there for her once again
But how many times has she been there for me?
Countless times.
I may be boring you but I don't mean to whatsoever.
Why haven't I met my prince charming?
This poor subject is always on my mind.
Everytime I see a man, a couple, a man with his family.
It's a never ending question.
Its all that I strive for.
Yes yes, go ahead and tell me,
Stop looking Danielle.
When you stop looking,
He will appear.
Oh shut up. If I had a dime for everytime a person said that...
And it DIDN'T come true, I would be soo rich.
I grounded myself.
I don't go out and party,
I go home after work and I do adult things,
or so I think they are adult things.
And he still hasn't appeared.
Duds.. everytime.
And maybe one day I will look upon these blogs and laugh.
Well...truthfully I don't think I will
because I believe in my heart that I will die alone
But hopefully I have just little faith and think that I will die in love.
We can only keep our fingers crossed for this.
At least I will...
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| My Happy Ending Starts Now. :) |
[28 May 2012|11:25pm] |
Yesterday I tried to erase my past
By simply erasing all my blogs...
It didn't work as well was I wanted to
But at least I tried.
I just wanted to get rid of the bad and invite the good.
I say this with all ease.
I just crave to be happy.
the happiest I have ever been.
Now I know I don't quite know how to achieve this...
but I want it so bad.
My best friend brought a beautiful baby into the world yesterday.
His name is Liam Andrew Derhake.
He was delivered at 2:16 p.m.
Poor lady was in labor for twelve hours.
She has it all...
House, husband, and new born baby.
I know it looks all fine and dandy on the outside
But I have wanted all of that since I was a young child.
I just strave perfection in a guy.
I want the perfect package of course.
The man that will do the laundry, dishes, and cook.
I don't want a man who doesn't help out with the children he made
and I don't want a man that I have to answer to all the time.
I'm a free spirit and I always will be.
Of course I know I'm biopolar when I say this because...
my last blog was about how I didn't need a man
and I was fine without one.
I just want a man to come into my life and make me realize what I've been missing all this time
And make me realize that I do need a man to complete me
And being alone is not the answer.
I want everything good about a relationship...
I don't want tears or heartache.
I want love with everything great.
Nothing bad...
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| Perfectly Content. |
[26 May 2012|10:30pm] |
Here's to starting new and starting fresh.
I don't care what has happened in the past
or who has done me wrong
All I care about is me and protecting myself..
The more I think about it to myself...
When you bring a guy in your life
Chances are... you wind up hurt
So ...if I'm happy without a man
Why bring a man into my life to tear it all up when I'm perfectly fine.
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| My Worst Nightmare |
[13 May 2012|10:40pm] |
There it is...
My worst nightmare came true today.
I didn't know it was even possible to break my heart even more
But it's possible...
You finally ripped my heart out completely
I feel like I'm dying, I really do
Like my soul was just taken from me.
When will the tears stop falling
Everyone's asked me if I'm okay
And I lie and say I'm over it
I cried and I'm done
No..that's just me lying to myself
You are officially gone
Gone forever
But what was I really expecting?
You to break up with her and end up with me
Danielle..really
It was never going to happen
and I'm just holding on to old news
old memories.....
No more hope.
So I need to just suck it up
And officially move on
Theres no you in my future
I need to find out who I am without you
Folks. A part of me died today
and I don't know how I am going to recover
or if I ever will
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| Surprise Surprise |
[04 May 2012|11:29pm] |
Lets see how well you pay attention to me
I miss you
Yes I admit it.
I put you in the back of my head thinking you would chase me
I was wrong so I went on with my life
and for some odd reason you can keep on popping up in my head
I don't know why,,
But you do.
I want to see you...
I want to talk to you in person.
Thats rather impossible and I know it is
But I want it to happen,
Chris Dolbeare.....
I am talking about you
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| The Birthday Blues |
[22 Apr 2012|11:47pm] |
Here I go again,
Drowning my sorrows into writing
Instead of drinking another night away.
My birthday is Monday..
And it starts making you think about life.
Like who would even care if I was gone?
Or do people really like me or do they just tolerate me
Of course this is really deep stuff because I'm just in that kind of mood...
Your birthday signifies how many people do care about you....
Or how many people could give a shit less about you..
This has to be my most depressing birtbday yet to life...
No boyfriend, barely a best friend.
Your birthday just shows you how lonely you really are in life..
And I hate it.
I absolutely hate my birthday
I used to wait for it like Christmas and get really excited about it
Now I wish there wasn't such a thing as a birthday
I don't want to realize how lonely I really am in this world
That really all I have is my cat and my dog...
That I really don't have happiness and all I do is work my life away.
As tears stream down my face
I wonder whats the point of this life of mine
How many hearts have I really touched
and really why the fuck am I so alone
I always go back to that but
What I breathe and live for is love
and I don't have that anywhere in my life....
So whats the point of me breathing
and being this so called awful life.
I hate that I think this way
And I read this on someone else's blog
I would just say they wanted attention
But I'm not begging for attention because only a select few know about this
And only one person that I last knew read it
And thats Chris Dolbeare..
ha but hey if you are reading this, don't mind me.
I'm just depressed tonight and trying to drown out my own sorrows.
You can call it the birthday blues if you want...
We all put smiles on our faces and pretend we are just fine
But deep down we aren't even close to being okay....
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| Ladies and Gentlemen, Once Upon a Time.... |
[18 Apr 2012|10:09pm] |
Ladies and gentlemen,
Here's a story for you.
Once upon a time..
There was a lady who believed in love with all her heart.
But every week a guy would come into her life.
And at the end of the week that guy would exit as quickly as he entered it.
It was a tragedy everytime it would happen
But that young lady was cursed with no cure.
With so many heartaches, you would think she would give up on love.
But day in and day out she would continue to believe that one day
love would be true to her and she would be able to fall into it
But when should that lady give up?
After a year of heartaches and let down, should she just walk away and give up?
Or should she keep on pushing through hoping for a good happy ending..
Does everyone go through this or was it just this lady's bad luck.
She always would say right before she would go to sleep
'Why me?'
But no answer would come, and she believed no answer would ever come.
We all know that lady is me...
Today someone mentioned your name.
Actually they didn't
They said 'the twins' and followed it with ...
"I know you don't want to hear this Danielle,
But he's getting pretty serious with her'
...That's the only way to shatter my heart.
No insults, no name calling.
Just tell me the one guy I have ever loved,
has truly moved on...
And about ready to get on his knee for her.
Go ahead, warn me.. Like I don't already know secretly.
I mean he told he was ready to buy a house.
That only means one thing....
That my nightmares are soon to come true
And there is no way to stop them from happening....
I have been through 20 guys in the last year ..
Not one, promising or willing to stick around.
I feel worthless in a way.
Like I'm not good for anyone.
Kevin called tonight,
wanted me to know that
...
I'm beautiful with a great personality
and that every guy that has ever fucked me over
...well its his lose he walked away from something so great.
It's words he says to me everytime but I don't believe them
He and I both know, he shouldn't even waste his breath
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