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Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
12:49 pm - ALLEN
I am trying to figure out a way of adding Allen to my friends list but this thingy wont let me! URGHH! I'll find a way!! Here's his blog http://allenrey.blogspot.com/

current mood: ditzy
current music: After Forever- Silence from Afar

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10:55 am - Cradle of Filth Concert
ok I am really angry... I missed the CoF concert last night, because my mom was being special, she said I couldnt go because one of her cousins died, and it would be disrespectful... Well thats why I couldnt sleep last nite until 3 I was just thinking about a way of going, at least just to see them for a moment... So I've decided to make my own CoF concert, maybe on my bday... I dunno maybe before! But it made me really angry, I wanted to go sooo bad and I am just really ANGRY! ok.... Oh wait a moment I am remebereing parts of my dream that I didnt write about.....after i woke up the first time I went back to sleep...and I started dreaming that I was at work and there was this guy named David who kept following me around and I just wanted to get away from him, because he scares me! So I tried going up the different stairs none worked til finally I was going up on some stairs and I could see Michelle fixing something, and so I ran up the stairs quickly and got out I ended up infront of the break room and I noticed people were behind me and well i feel a little embarrased cus I had a really short skirt... I dunno why.. then we went into the break room and Jon B. was there and he was asking me if I was goingto take his shift, or to give it to someonelse... then I woke up..
Well anyway I better go....

current mood: angry
current music: Static-X-Get to the gone

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10:48 am - A dream..
I went to sleep last nite about 3 am and I had the most weirdest dream, I dreamed that I was like in the 15th century and I was fighting for something, I guess women rights, because it was men against women kinda thing, yea well there were two guyswho really hated me and I remember having along fight with one of them, I got show with an arrow on my side and I couldn't move anymore...so I fell to the ground and all the men had their arrows pointed at me and I was screaming Kil me Kill me... then I saw some other women coming my way one came running up to me and she started crying, me and her went to a side and sat down and we watched one of the other girls go up to her mother who was dead and she then commited suicide... Then I remember everything going white and I was like diving into the water, but I woke up before I hit the water.. I thought that was an odd dream!

current mood: moody
current music: Cradle of Filth-Her Ghost in the Fog

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Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
8:39 pm - ....the beginning....
I have done a whole lot of nothing today, I basically stayed home and tried to sleep, but my addiction to this computer was of no help, hehe But I love it anyway, especially when I get to talk to a certain someone! Well since most of you don't know me that well I guess I'll start out with my life story, here it goes......
I was born August 22, in Houston, TX, I dont remember the hospital name, I just know its right next to Texas Childrens Hospital:), When I was born I almost died, because something was wrong with me I really dont know what...but from the beginning my dad wasn't there, he didnt bother to go see me when I was born or when I was on the verge of dying....thanks for caring DAD!...ok so anyway, I obviously got better, my childhood, was pretty decent I grew up with a kid name Luis we became friends til the end, I would always go to his house and visit him! His mom is the coolest person ever! She was my moms best friend, they met in the hospital, later realizing that they were practically neighbors, that was my first real friend, btw I don't have a lot of friends, I dont think I need many.. so anyway we grew up together, and then I moved pretty far...so my playtime with him was cut by like 75%...He used to go to visit me and I went to see him, I remeber we used to always go to Mrs. Duvall, she was the best old lady ever, she had a white dog, I don't remember its name, but anyway this lady would always invite us to her house, and she would give us a lot of candy, yum! hehe she once gave me one of those things with water and sand and you turned it over and made really cool shapes, well my mom broke it when she threw it at me once, she expresses her anger by throwing stuff! Yea I really hate that and I had to live with that! Then she would go on her "suicidal" moods, and she would leave and then come back, I pretty much got used to this attitude so now I ignore her! But it really scared me sometimes... She would grab knives and stuff, now i sometimes do the same thing when I am angry... I just hate it sometimes that she dosent give me space, where I can just think... and not be followed all the time....well anyway back to Luis... On Christmas of '98 my mom was having a party at our house, the whole family was here and everything was going so super well, I was having a great time...until my mom pulled me into the room after I asked her why all the people were looking at me soo weird, she said, " I dont want you to get scared and I dont want you to cry, but two days ago Luis died in a car accident". I was in shock, i wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, I wanted to tell her to stop joking but instead I just took a deep breath and I walked out the room, when I entered the living room I couldn't help in anymore, I started crying and I ran to my room, everyone was trying to stop me, but I made it to my room. I closed the door and locked it, I jumped into my bed and started crying on my pillow, then I heard people knocking on my door, and I remeber saying to leave me alone and go away...finally somehow, my cousin Veronica and my sisters came in and tried to comfort me, but at that moment I just wanted to be left alone... On the day of the funeral, my mom insisted on me going, i truly ddint want to go, I couldnt possibly be able to see Luis lying in a coffin lifeless, it was something I thought I would never see and i truly didnt want to, but my mother insisting and insisting and pushing me to go, I finally did go I just got close enough to se ehis profile and I dropped down on the floor crying... When they were burying him I couldnt stop crying, it hurt so much I lost something so important to me and ever since then I've had a hole in my heart, but lately that emptiness has been filled by a wonderful person, that i respect and care for soo much! That makes me extremly happy, Moving on... When I was 14 I had a terrible experience that Irefuse to write about... I went through middle school pretty much miserably, I was sent to an alternative school , because some crazy woman thought I was satanic.. 7th grade (2 yrs later I was out of the country) Everyone thought I was lesbian, it really didnt matter, but I hated it.. I got into a fight and i was once again sent to the Alternative school, i actually like being there! Hmm later on wheni reached High School it was big change i joined theatre, became a thespian, became a main part of the schools soap opera called "the drama within the drama" which is basically rumors , and jerry spriger topics of the theatre students...yea I learned who really were my friends and who werent.. Thats where I met Jesus, he is my best friend, along with Rosa...my mom hates Rosa for some odd reason, but oh who gives a fuck... I had recent problems with Rosa she was hanging out with these guys and a girl who I personally didnt like, I knew that girl was going to persuade Rosa into something bad, and yea I was right... She thought I wass just jealous, but I was really looking out for her! I remeber one day I came up to her and said Hi to her and she went off on me, she told me to never speak to her again, and she called me names, I granted her wish, I talked to Dawn and jason about it and then they talked to Rosa about it and she said that she was just stressed and she needed someone to take her anger out on! Well yay for me... I was really sad about this.. I love her soo much and finally I talked to her and I couldnt stop crying, and we made up and she told me everyting Lenny was doing with the other guys, one that was her boyfriend, and it disgusted her, yea it was really horrible... Lenny is like the most ugliest girl I've ever seen, and well I dunno, Shes just hideous...but besides that the good thing is that Rosa came to her senses! Jesus he practically lives with me, my mom tells her friends that he is the adopted child, hehe, yea thats funny... Jesus is really cool, everyone at first thought we were going out, but i cant see him that way...hes not my type, and besides I think hes gay~hehe yea, well lately everything has been so uplifting, i was really depressed, and i even had thoguths of suicide soemtimes, which now i think are really stupid of me.... I bearly got out of a long realtionship, I dont want to talk about it but maybel later I will open up about it... His name is Justin, and he made me feel soo bad, he would make me feel worthless...but I'll add details later on.... I met this really great guy, we have a lot in common and well hes perfect, he makes me feel so good, and happy, I love this guy.... He is so good to me and its just so great whenI talk to him... :) Well I know this is too long sorry, so i guess I will stop about now! <3 RUTHIE....

current mood: cold
current music: none

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