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Monday, July 28th, 2003
6:43 pm - Longingly
Have you ever had a urgent need, requirement placed upon yourself to hear a certain vibe-- music that hold so much nostalgia that you want to rekindle? I felt it today. I had to listen to the Beatles. I popped the red album CD into my discman and walked out the door. As I lapped around the neighborhood, I felt taken back to my childhood--granted I am not that old, but I was into the Beatles at an early age and would listened to them in the buses on class trips, in my room alone and with friends. My graduation song was "In my Life," and when I heard it today, I began crying. Why? I cannot explain it. I don't have an answer, but tears welled up, and I said, Lauren-- let it go. Let it out. Then my swelling eyes emitted elephant tears, and the Beatles officially recaptured a place in my life, a time that I had too easily forgotten.

I am not sure that I am fully fulfilled--I still need to hear more. Maybe the second anthology. The one with the green apple sliced evenly to the core that once exposed the Beatles greatest hits to my virginal ears. I want to recapture feelings, experiences that I once felt. Off to my chaise in front of the stereo I go.

current mood: nostalgic
current music: Beatles

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Thursday, July 17th, 2003
5:13 pm - free & tall
So I haven't written in here for a while. I don't know why. Several times I have looked back upon the few entries I have made and then just closed out the window as fast as I had opened it. I sit here a bit tired, a bit empty in fact. I don't know what it is, but I feel a little lacking.

Through the window sectioned off by ill-painted wooden blinds, I see the only weeping willow left in my yard. The other was wisked away when it became sick. The one I see bends longingly toward the ground; its branches sag and half of its figure stands in the cooler shade, the other half in the bright sun. Part of it rustles in the wind. It has a song, but I don't know it yet. It has mysteries to be discovered, stories to be had.

Maybe if it gets wisked away, too, I could stand in its place. We are similar in character, yet I don't want to stand in its place. I want my willow to remain standing free and tall.

current mood: empty

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Friday, June 13th, 2003
10:40 pm
I have had a long day of work. Waiting tables. 10 hours. My feet ache, more like throb with pain, which makes me think I should get insoles in my shoes. Yes, I think that would be a good idea.

There are a few things throughout the day that make me laugh, though. Like how it is sunny one second and then raining another (we have to take the windows out, since we are an open-air restaurant), when people put ice cubes in their wine, at this guy I work with who is hilarious, and other incidents that would be properly labeled "you would have to have been there" to get the humor. This one couple kinda bothered me. They were clearly the most conservative, "lawyer type" people you would have ever seen. They were talking about law school, European vacations and he was wearing a pink polo. She drew a cloud on the paper tablecloth. I wanted to help her be creative, find that creative energy, burst out of her bubble, but I couldn't. They were nice. TOO nice. Basically one dimensional. Thats it. They lived, or at least were perceived in one dimension. I see many people. You can tell when someone has depth, layers, myseries to be solved. These people didn't. Maybe they are really good at hiding things. maybe too good?

Anyway, I think that I am going to make some photography assignments for myself and complete them. I want to do more black and white, manual photography. I haven't done b&w in a while so it should be fun. Any suggestions? I have done portraits, night shots, "never seen before shots", panoramic collages, hand-colorings, landscapes, and others. I want to try something different. Let me know if you have any ideas.

I am going to go put my feet up.


current mood: tired
current music: string cheese incident, little hands

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Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
7:37 pm - TITLES
So I was in the movie theater the other night and before the movie started and before even the previews came on, this promotional commerical type thing blasted on the screen aburptly. This guy, who I cannot even remember his name, since I was distracted by his message, said that he was trying to help get "America fit and healthy." Soooo, would you please go to the concession stand in the movie theather lobby and buy a drink and some popcorn, possibly some candy? Proceeds go to his foundation to help this important cause-- getting America fit and healthy.

The thing is, some people are so worked up about starting foundations and "attempting to help others" that they lose sight of what it is exactly that they are fighting for. This guy just wanted to have a foundation with his name in the title and make informercials and be a spokesperson. The greatest givers are those who hardly know the vast impact that they have through their personal encounters. It is all those personal encounters-- helping many one by one-- that add up. You don't need a foundation or a title.

That just really got to me. I was worked up over it through the previews and am remembering it days later.

current mood: aggravated
current music: U2, Sunday, bloody sunday

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Sunday, June 8th, 2003
12:10 am - oooooo la la !
You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

So, I guess that I am a bit mysterious, creates a little excitement, right?!

current mood: amused

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Saturday, June 7th, 2003
10:28 pm - ICON
So I finally got an icon-- I was having trouble with the whole format thing, it needed to be jpeg not bitmap...

I just wanted to share what it is...

"Illuminated by ultraviolet light, a knob coral pulsates with color as if lit from within. The coral absorbs the invisible ultraviolet light, then emits wild orange visible light. This is called fluorescence, a phenomenon of physics and biology that borders on pure magic."

From "A New Light in the Sea," August 1997, National Geographic magazine

I thought that was pretty interesting, and gorgeous in color.

current mood: accomplished

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Friday, June 6th, 2003
7:25 pm - this life is more than just a read through
So today I had training all day at this chill open-air restaurant; I train the rest of the weekend and then I'm on my own waiting tables for the summer. It was a gorgeous day today, in the 80s I think, so we had a good deal of business...I really enjoy the people there, and it is much more laid back than the other restaurant that I worked at a few summers ago. There's this guy that has the best smile and dimples, I want to get to know him better...but I think that he is much older than me, don't really know exactly though.

My goals of the summer: get in great shape (ran 5 miles yesterday), read some interesting books, continue my photography with theme shoots and different techniques, and make some money working...

Anyway, I'm stoked that Better than Ezra is coming in July, and most of my friends will be here then, too...I need to check and see what other bands are coming. I think I am going to go for a swim...

:::let love rule:::


current mood: bouncy
current music: waiting on an angel, ben harper

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Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
5:01 pm
I feel as though so much is passing me by.
Opportunities. What ifs.
I wonder what my life would be like if I got the job in the north, or if I was in Yellowstone for the summer rather than home again for these three long months. I think, no I know that I am an independent person, that I can be on my own, yet I sometimes feel I am scared to take risks, maybe I am more dependent on security and what I know to be certain than I thought.

I wish I was a lily. A star-gazer lily-- what a beautiful name for a flower. It just sits there in the warm earth, covered in deep black mulch, growing, soaking up the sun's rays, yearning for water, moisture. And it's a star gazer, which, ahhhh, if I could just sit under the stars, on the beach, hear the waves crash in rhythmic tones, I would be in heaven. I think that I have realized that I do not need to be in a big city-- I go to school 5 miles from one of the largest cities in the nation, and its OK, don't get me wrong, I love it, but I could live in the country, on a vineyard, on the lake, beach, or in a valley-- raise a family one day, and be perfectly content. I really could.

I wonder why I am going to school for a business degree, I always thought that I would be a corporate woman, but I think that I was fooling myself. I took this philosophy, theology class freshman year and loved it. I loved it because my professor was SO passionate about what he was teaching, and he wanted to truly get to know all of his students. So I am taking him again next year in this English/Arts/Philosophy class, and when I am finished I will have a philosophy minor and a degree in business. Maybe I'll start my own business, who knows.

I am always wanting to get back to nature-take an adventure, to take a hike up a challenging mountain, go white water rafting down a big river, to horseback ride through the countryside, or just sit in an open field... sitting in the grass thinking, reading, daydreaming. That's when I am the happiest.

Then, and when I am with friends, but not many of my friends are into nature and such. My friends from highschool were much more adventurous. We like the same kind of things. I think that I picked, actually chose my friends from highschool, since we were so alike. Played the same sports and all. College friends, seem to be more related just because of where we lived, I think to some degree we picked each other. There were others on our floor but my close friends and I found each other-- good people, like to have fun, though I think that I am the most reserved out of all of my friends. Our apartment is going to be a mad house next year. GOD I wish I had a single, it's still up in the air.

OK, so this is my first entry and I am going on and on about so many different things. I hope this even posts! I want this journal to be more about hopes, dreams, life's complexities, rather than rants and complaints, that's the direction I think I am headed.

current mood: rejuvenated
current music: under the bridge, red hot chili peppers

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