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Saturday, August 27th, 2005
12:11 am - Dukes of Hazzard
Today, I slept in till well after eleven, or maybe twelve I can't really remember so I missed work, t'shame..I know!
I missed the last day I was ever going to go for.. Sure i'll survive though..

I need to look for a part time job, it sucks, the mothership wants me to go back to asda, to this I said 'nae'. Come on, my boss was thee worst on the planet. She got about 50 complaints from customers a day, she never answered call outs for her, leaving us to take the abuse, and God, was it abuse! When people phoned looking for her and u didn't know who it was u had to say she wasn't there, she slammed the phone down on u if u phoned in sick and then didn't speak to u for a month, if you were in on ur own u hadn't to take a break till someone could cover, regardless of how many hours you'd been there and oh yeah, if u want a transfer to another store coz ur going away to uni, she doesn't fax the form!!!!
And what do asda do I hear u say.. PROMOTE THE MAD BITCH! WTF?! Yes, now put her incharge of George and Home and Leisure, put her in charge of the general managers for these two departments, give her more power why don't u!! I swear I feared the woman, u did not want to get on the wrong side of her =/ Luckily she liked me but still, from what's listed above, who could like her!?

I went and bought two pairs of shoes and more new underwear todaythough =) The only two things I like buying or shopping for, although sometimes it worries me how much I have of the two and how expensive the habits are, I mean really, who spends like £60 on a set of underwear.. Except Em as she understands my pain.. Last time my loan came in I spent £260 on the stuff, ah the mothers face was a picture.. It makes one feel good though, although today it didn't as I feel crappy because i'm stupid =(

I may get paranoid sometimes but if people had put up with what I had in the past then maybe they would be to, I do try to help it but sometimes I can't, it isn't as easy as people seem to think and I don't like losing people over it, I don't like that I feel stupid for things the minute I say them but I get insecure, for this I apologise.

Everytime I like someone they end up liking someone else or cheating on me before the thing even gets off the ground so the start of things is more confusing than anything, especially since last time it took the person a whole three days to sleep with someone, yes, that long, I know that all people aren't like that but i'm stupid ok, and I don't think people will always cheat on me but it made me doubt everything, not just how faithfull people are but how people felt about me, I feel like i'm not good enough and I feel that people don't like me because it's how i've been made to feel by everyone else before now.

I need people to spell out what they want and I need to know how people feel about me because I have no problem telling people I like them. Why should I have, it's an honest opinion, if I feel happy around someone then why, in all honesty, shouldn't they be told about it? Maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should keep my mouth shut, I speak my mind though, I do, I can't help it, if someone pisses me off I tell them, if I don't like someone I won't pretend to, so, if I like somone I tell them, it's as simple as that and if it makes people feel uncomfortable or anything like that then sorry.
I'm very apologetic for some reason tonight but I can't help it, I always am because I always seem to be doing something wrong by being who I am, maybe I should change, who knows, but after 20 years of being me it's harder than you'd think.. Maybe we shouldn't count alot of those years tho, when I was younger I suppose I didn't really have much of a choice.. I have no idea why i'm still going on, i'm trying to keep my mind off other things I suppose..

There's a CD on my computer desk by 'The Magic Numbers' I have no idea who this is so I can't recommend them or tell you they're shit, I don't even know who owns it but I can't be arsed listening to them so meh..

Seen someone from my year at school today and discovered they're pregnant, half of my year have had kids, what's with that?! I know accidents happen but some of them have had more than one and that's just careless. It scares me, i'm far to selfish to want to spend all of my money on a kid, imagine someone who was totally dependent on me? I can't even look after myself yet. That part of life shall be waiting at least 10 more years, I say at least! You know some people are actually so scared of it they can't have sex at all, it's like a fear, it's a damned weird fear I say, and one which sucks, one will actually have read this far so it's pointless writing any further, although, I will continue! Just not on this subject as i'm unsure why i'm even on it!

My shoes today have khaki green polka dots on them =) they are indeed cooler than ur shoes, although I have about 50 odd pairs of shoes that I actually wear and they're all cooler than urs!!

I really want to see 'The Dukes of Hazzard', for one it has Johnny Knoxville and two, it just appeals to my warped sense of humour, Jessica Simpson does not but hey, I find her thickness endearing..

Grr, i'm still upset, i'm a complete retard, I have no idea why, well I know why i'm upset, just unsure why I can't stop being retarded. I have also drank copeous amounts of poof juice as I couldn't be arsed to drink vodka at le pub, I was also not in the mood to go out after it, as you can see by the fact it's just a little before 12!

You no what poof juice tastes the best? Pinapple breezers =) They make one all fuzzy inside. Corona is also ok, but that's a little off the subject, being beer and all, it was also not mine, twas Amandas and I stole it so poo to u! I thought I saw Jenna to, but I didn't so there was no urge to hit anyone =)

I use to many smileys, and also to many words, my plan to distract myself is not working very well at all so I shall bid u adue x

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Friday, August 19th, 2005
1:46 am
I feel stupid =(

+ I have to get up in 2 and a half hours

= I may have to cry now..

Also, if that Aviemore dvd ever comes to light u have no idea what I will do to your reproductive organs Martin, and no I do not actually think that will bother your gf =p

I'm just going to edit this rather than continue to post new entries.. Tis now 3am and I can't sleep, the pain will not go away, I get up in an hour and a half, I have never been this tired in my life and I am getting stupidly upset over the dumbest of things =(

Could cry about anything right now and in all honesty in the past hour probably have =/ I am stupid when i'm tired but I don't even know if it's down to tiredness although i'd like to think it is considering I have no reason for it to be anything else.

Feel stupid, for lots of reasons, i'd rather not say what the majority of them are considering I have no clue who reads this besides about 4 of you who know it exists. Was all happy a few days ago and now i'm pure paranoid and upset and I have no clue what the hell is going on in my head, I have no reason to feel like shit (besides the pain and the tiredness, my mother and hating my job..ok so a few reasons there), I need a hug, I may have to kill someone, myself if I don't stop being so fucking dumb.. =(

I could get lame here but i'm not going to as i'm paranoid about doing that to..Paranoid about even texting peopel so i'm not going to bother, i'll text back if they text me, least then i'll know they're doing it because they want to. I'm not talking about one person here i'm talking about everyone.

I'm going to attempt sleep for about the 5th time..

current mood: crappy

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Thursday, August 18th, 2005
10:57 pm - Never know what to write in here...
God i'm bored and in incredible pain yet.. i'm going to go back to work tomorrow, although if they turn round and say 'Sine you've been off the past two days you can work 11 hours today' I shall walk out as i'm sick of it. I do not need money that badly, well I do, but 11 hours with a half hour break and a 15 minute break.. Fuck off..

Watched 'High Fidelity' there, as tis immense (no idea why I keep using that word) although soon I shall know all the words and look like a complete saddo.. More so than usual.

I will have thee most boring weekend in history as i'm still supposed to be 'resting' although the temptation to go out on Saturday night may prove to much for me, i'm weak, I haven't drunk in ages and i'm bored out of my brains.

Hmm, have to get up at half 4 so I shall leave u now.. There is more I want to write but i'm not sure I actually want to, which doesn't make sense to anyone but me, I know..Sorry =p

My phone is retarded, it's either not sending messages at all or it's only sending half, it could get old really quickly since tis charging me for every single text, sometimes two and three times =/ !!

You do get some right retards (I hate that word but still) on myspace, yes I have a webcam and no I do not wanna have fun *wink wink nudge nudge and all that* why the hell would I?!?!?! How about u go ask the people who post half naked pictures of themselves instead, i'm sure they'd be more than willing to oblige, some of us have some self respect...oh yeah, and a life..

current mood: blah

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1:33 am - Let yourself go..
Seems a bit pointless that I deleted this whole thing the other day only to restart it like a day or two later. Very few people know this address and I used to use it as a way of tracking my thoughts in a more personal way due to the amount of people who have access to my livejournal. If you are one of the few people who actually read this (it being public to allow you to do so =p) then I apologise for the ramblings that go on here, really I do.

I should really fill you in on what's been happening in the past few weeks..

I have a job which I hate, i'm one of the only girls in a company full of men, I have to deal with random sexist comments (mostly about female drivers for some random reason..) and annoying perving but I only have to for two more weeks then I can leave so all is good in that field as the place is doing my mental state no favours whatsoever.

I managed to damage my leg in work a week or so ago and being me proceeded to walk on it meaning by the time I went and seen someone about it it was in pretty poor condition and i'm now supposed to stay off work for up to a week, however I can't as i'll end up getting sacked and I need the money for a holiday that to be honest i'm not sure about anymore, not sure if /i ever was.

For one, tis Magaluf (which btw was not the plan), which means neds and bad music for a week and I could cry at the thought of it, secondly I have to make sure that the people i'm going with (just Em but meeting up with others) don't get drunker than they should and do anything stupid as then i'll feel like it's my fault. If I have to deal with one person cheating on someone or anything remotely like it i'll kill someone, I cannot stand people who cheat on bfs/gfs, you have no idea how bad it feels till it's been done to you and I would never do it so I do not understand why other people feel the need to. It's pretty damned easy to say 'fuck off I have a bf/gf'.. A phrase some of you best become accustomed to because I am sick of people doing it then crying to me about it, harsh as it sounds it's one thing I find unforgivable and its not fair.

Apart from that i've hardly been out except for the odd drunken night at le weekend as I keep getting the shifts from hell at work, 6am-2 or 3pm.

On a nicer note I met someone, well on here I guess (no not blurty you fool) and we spoke for a few days and then met up, and, well for me anyways twas amazing. One likes him very much and for my friends who read this, this is the first person I have been open with you lot about my feelings for from the beginning so you know how freaked out I get that everything goes wrong. Just see how it goes, feels good just now, really good, apart from my occassional bouts of pranoia but i've only met him a couple of times and I don't know when i'm seeing him again because of his shifts and stuff =( which sucks but still.. So long as he still wants to see me at all i'm happy. Just need a hug as I feel crappy and I keep getting stupidly upset about things for no reason, mainly due to tiredness and the pain in my leg and I hate it, I hate going like this as I get totally insecure about the dumbest things and get worried that i'll drive people insane.

Soon I shall start to feel insecure though and like i'm not good enough or don't compare to other people, which is how other charming people from the past felt it was ok for me to be made to feel like, I have no reason to feel like that for now though. Hopefully I won't start to either but I can't help it sometimes..I don't mean to be a weirdo, honest..

Anyways the short of that part is that he makes me happy and I want to spend alot more time with him, want to see him now!! But tis half 1 in the morning.. =/ lol, just want hugs from him as they be great =( He makes me laugh, he's cute and well, everything is grand in that area really =) ;) .. Not that i've done what some of you shall assume from that smiley btw =p
I don't care who reads my lame cheesy comments there as it's true =)

Also signed up for a college course today, applied biosciences and forensic investigation, yes before any of you say it I do want to do something similar to what they do in CSI, I always have but the reference to that tv show got old a long time ago =p

I'm gonna go sleep nows..

<33 u all madly xxx

current mood: cheerful
current music: Feeder - Pushing the senses

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