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a little something i found [20 Nov 2009|04:34pm] [ mood | calm ] Human eyes are so obsessed with clarity. What if truth is a blur? post comment

The Fear of Losing Heart [17 Nov 2009|08:42am] [ mood | anxious ] I live in fear of almost nothing It's a life that's filled with lies... I fear the worst for the state I'm in The light that's dimming in my eyes I feel the world tugging on my heart Towards so many things that I despise I sometimes feel like letting go Consider my heart to compromise Of all the things I hold to truth And again to all my lies I hope to god or whatever is out there That my heart can be reprise And even in the face of death My heart will be my guide post comment

singin in the rain [28 Oct 2009|05:27pm] [ mood | tired ] i have my first interview ever tomorrow, i have a feeling i'm not going to be really interested in the job so i'm looking at it as practice, unfortunately i have work before and after the interview so that kinda sucks. post comment

Fly [27 Oct 2009|07:17pm] [ music | me ] Minutes pass like cars on a highway as I drive knowing that when I reach my destination another night will be lost and I'll start another day wondering why oh why must time fly by? Each and every minute that passes feels like another one wasted, day in and day out wasted, I'm so wasted. Forever young I want to be, but I've always felt old inside my mind, and I don't mind that my mind feels so blind to this desire that while I'm alive I'll always be young. Just an old kid wondering where the time went and feeling wasted, so wasted. As I lay me down to sleep I prey on dreams I used to keep hidden away in the back of my mind and wake again wondering why oh why must time fly by. Live and live until I die sleep and dream and don't deny that I've been wasted so long as time flew by and when my head clears and reality settles in I fear the worst for the state I'm in and I add another day to my yesterdays. I check the clock before I hit the road and pass a few minutes on the same old road. When I get a chance I look to the sky to try and catch a glimpse of time fly by if I ever catch it I'll ask it why, why oh why must time fly by post comment

the inevitable future [10 Oct 2009|03:41pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | riddin thru space ] so I've decided to get my shit together and find a job I've been looking into a few things, but mainly I have to work on putting my resume together and start sending it out. yesterday, sadly, I took out all my piercings, I was sad to see them go, but its time to grow up a little because I'm not going to be able to get a job anywhere with them in. I guess I'm starting to come to terms with the inevitable future, I've been depressed lately and I've realized that it's not because I hate what I'm doing, but it's because I've been in Limbo for so God Damned long that it's starting to strain me my dad said to me the other day that he's definitely going to keep the business going, but he really feels that it's time for me to get off the fence and he's right I may not end up loving what I do for money, but at least if I can get a decent job with security and benefits I can finally start making the necessary steps towards at least loving the rest of my life and being okay for once if it's in the cards for me I'm not sure what I'm going to do or where I'm going to end up, but I'm sure of one thing before I die if only for an instant I will be able to look at myself and see a winner instead of a loser. everyday from here on is me getting closer to that day post comment

Your Very Flesh Shall Be A Great Poem [06 Oct 2009|09:48am] [ mood | determined ] [ music | doot doot dootalooda doot doot doot do ] I figured I should take a break from my thoughts for now and post the great words of another man: "This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches. give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants... have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of you life, reexamine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, Dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body." -Walt Witman post comment

timebomb [24 Sep 2009|05:35pm] [ mood | dirty ] [ music | bigwig "best of me" ] what can I do when it all seems worthless when time my old friend I watched fade away and I feel the world slipping off of my back but I don't know where I'll be when it crashes and there's nowhere to hide cause it's all in my mind filtering out the "good" that I've rationed so long leaving me nothing but hollowed old memories of a time and a place perhaps better than here and now but there's really no way for me to tell the faintest of memories that seem so sweet are shadowed by the clouds that hover with me all of the love I've known combats with my hate and I'm left wondering if I'll ever know peace I suppose there's a chance that time will tell if forgiveness is bestowed for watching it fade post comment

waste [17 Sep 2009|08:22am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | afi ] I feel as though everything I've ever done has been a complete waste of time. For the last few days I've allowed my depressing thoughts to bring me down for the first time in a while I truly feel like a useless fuck up. I guess it was just a matter of time before I had to fall off my cloud. post comment

It's A Harsh Realm [15 Sep 2009|04:31pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Tom Gabel ] I'm waking up in night terror, I can't stop the future it keeps pushing me ahead. I feel the weight of the world crushing down on me and time seems so linear. Decisions seem so absolute! It's a harsh realm... Don't abandon me. There's a million things to get done today. I can't come down and I can't think straight. I give a little bit of time to everyone I meet. What can I say for myself? How much money do I need to give myself a sense of security? Yeah it's a harsh realm... Don't abandon me post comment

it goes, it goes, it just goes to show... [05 Sep 2009|10:19am] [ mood | content ] [ music | Bigwig ] it's been a few weeks i know, but i guess i'm still getting into the swing of writing in this old thing like i used to not much has happened anyway my headache is long gone which is good it ended up lasting a week and a half we went to the bouncing souls show a few weeks ago which was awesome it really reminded me of the old days so much collin, and mike werts even ended up being there and we were all wrecking the pit just like back in the day it was really refreshing sometimes u need to remember what it's like to be young not that i'm old but life forces people to grow up to fast and that's pretty fucked up i think. There's a few more shows coming up in the next few months first I got The Boss and then The Loved Ones in October and than the Dimension Seven in November so that's good I'm looking forward to all of those idk what else to write anyway so i guess i'm done ...that anything can happen 1 comment|post comment

You didnt get mad... [16 Aug 2009|11:16am] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Unwritten Law ] I found this while stumbling online and though it to be so perfectly worded regarding how most American citizens have become mindless puppets. I figured that it's my obligation to post it here even though not many will read it, enjoy: "You didn't get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a President. You didn't get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate energy policy. You didn't get mad when a covert CIA operative got outed. You didn't get mad when the Patriot Act got passed. You didn't get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us. You didn't get mad when we spent over 600 billion(and counting) on said illegal war. You didn't get mad when over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq. You didn't get mad when you saw the Abu Grahib photos. You didn't get mad when you found out we were torturing people. You didn't get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping Americans. You didn't get mad when we didn't catch Bin Laden. You didn't get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed. You didn't get mad when we let a major US city drown. You didn't get mad when the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark. You finally got mad when.. when... wait for it... when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are all ok with you but helping other Americans... well fuck that. That about right? You know it is. You people have all lost your fucking minds. You are selfish, greedy, obnoxious, narcissistic, and frankly... stupid. Your pathetic little misspelled protest signs are embarrassing. Maybe you ought to find the smart person in your midst and let them make up all the signs, cause man, you look like a bunch of idiots. Also you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny." post comment

[15 Aug 2009|12:26pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | silence ] the headache is back in full force I think it gets amplified from drinking or something idk I guess I gotta lay off the drinking for a bit, I need some relief I feel like hell...the funny thing is that knowing that I shouldn't drink for some reason makes me want to drink more I guess I'm a masochist or just an alcoholic I guess either way I'm fucked! Anyway I haven't been outside yet today so I think I'll go get some fresh air maybe I'll walk the canal for a few hours try to cleanse my system of impurities or some bullshit idk i guess that's it "I guess I never thought I'd be here again, I guess I thought that I had won, but it seems that time has taken its toll on me and I'm staring down the barrel of my gun" post comment

I hope this storm is dieing [13 Aug 2009|07:30pm] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | bigwig ] I think my head is finally starting to feel a little better I had a hell of a night last night the worst pain yet, I did some research online today to find out exactly what the fuck is going on inside of my brain, but i still have no clue, it turns out there is like a bagillion different types of headaches that all have very similar symptoms some are pretty bad, some of the website said to see a doctor, but damn I don't have health insurance unless Barack comes through with the health care some time soon I'm gonna have to see this shit through the old fashioned way or perhaps seek alternative forms of relief. Anyway for the most part it has been feeling better today, but there has been a few sudden and really sharp instances of extreme pain, idk maybe I'm fucked, the worst part is that with this thing happening to me i feel as though its affecting my personality I don't even want to be around anyone, cause i feel like i'm a total drag. today I had my first full day of work this week work has been crazy this whole year and it's leaving me worried, I mean I've been floating on this cloud for so long just drifting by making money, not thinking much about what I Really want to do, but now that the work is thinning out I really gotta figure out what I'm gonna do. I was reading an old Journal entry that Paul wrote like 3 years ago and he had this quote at the end of it that really got me thinking. (as if I haven't been thinking enough lately as it is) anyway I don't really feel like writing anymore so I guess I'll just end it the Paul style and leave it at this "it's oh k to think about what u wanna do, until it's time to start doin what ur meant to do" post comment

thunder storm [12 Aug 2009|11:40am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | streetlight manifesto ] I have had a headache since Saturday, and it's now Wednesday, I've been getting temporary relief from pain killers and stuff, but when the effects where off I'm in pain again, it's very unusual to me because I usually don't have headaches like this, but it feels like there's a thunderstorm in my brain and it's beginning to get annoying. I've been thinking a lot lately and have been getting more and more depressed I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I been singing the same old song and doing the same old dance for god it feels like so damn long and now I just feel like I'm stuck I feel like I have no options, all I want is to do something that matters instead of wasting my life away. Sometimes I dream of leaving this place just packing a few things and hitting the road and seeing where it takes me. But i know I'll never do it, I have to many ties. I guess for now I'll just remain stuck until I can figure it a way out. post comment

Goodbye to myspace [09 Aug 2009|01:40pm] [ mood | rejuvenated ] [ music | Slightly Stoopid "Everything You Need" ] I finally got rid of my personal myspace account, which leaves blurty as my only online blogging journal so I'll most likely be trying to write on here more, I'm trying to stay away from the myspace, facebook, twitter obsession of the world because the whole reason I ever got started with these online pages was to write down my thoughts for me, and if others want to read them that's ok too, but the whole thing just got way out of hand and people just waste so much time playing silly games, and joining groups, and checking "status" the whole thing is just beyond me. People look down on others for not having a facebook, now they may say I'm just trying to be different or a nonconformist or something and that's fine it may even be true. I've decided I'm getting back to the basics I'm remembering where this whole thing started and why it started and for me it was here, it was this, where I wrote some of my best thoughts and my best poetry over the last 5 or 6 years and here I was never bombarded with bullshit friend request or role playing game request or status reports it's here that I feel safe with nothing but my thoughts, and my keyboard I'm renewing the age of the online journal and it's liberating. post comment

Love is Hope [03 Feb 2008|12:41pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Coldplay ] The problem with love is that it tends to sneak up on people, it almost seems like one day your a free-spirited person who doesn't really have a care in the world except living life and having fun and the next day before you know it, and often without even realising that it's happening to you; this person comes along that you'd give your life for just to make them notice you and appreciate you. Love is a double-edged sword; when we don't have it we can't stop looking for it, when we do have it we take it for granted, and we don't bat an eye at throwing the word "love" around like it's just an average word in the english language that has no real significance. Without referring to a dictionary or using any cliche interpretation I would personally define love as this: When two people have mutual feelings of trust, attraction, and acceptance for eachother, so much so of all these things that they forgive things that are otherwise unforgivable, they do things for eachother that are otherwise silly or even ridiculous, they wouldnt change a thing about eachother, and their emotions effect eachother so much so that they reflect in one another. Because love in the eyes of the beholder is perfection. When I say "I love you" to someone essentially what I'm saying is not that the person is perfect, or even that I want them to be perfect, but rather more realistically that this one person is perfect for me. The problem is that somewhere along the way people have lost sight of what love really is. We use love as a tool to get what we want and need and it eventually leads to regret, guilt, and further self-destruction until eventually love turns to hate. Not always necessarilly hate for the person that you loved, but more often hatred for yourself. It takes you from the perception of perfection in the eye's of the person you love to a point where you're actually striving to be perfect for that person which can eventually lead to sorrow. The trouble that comes from striving to be perfect is that sadly it's a goal that no person can ever reach and it often leads to obsession and even depression which in tern brings us even further from perfection and we turn to our vices for relief whatever they may be: drugs, alcohol, sex, physical pain, and countless other things that people do to try to feel better. So what do we do with all of this information? What does it all mean in the end? Does it mean that Love is unrealistic and hopeless? Maybe it does, but I sure hope not, because what I have learned from my own personal experience is that Love is Hope and above all it's the greatest hope that we have in an otherwise hopeless world. It's a gift that when attained should be cherished, but too often it fades away because for some reason people find it so damn hard just to love, we make it into something so fucking difficult that it causes people to toss it asside or to run away from the most beautiful thing that's left in the whole fucking world. My advice to anyone who's willing to hear it is simply this: Love and be loved because nothing else really matters and everything that you put in the way of or in place of love, is just insignificant. There's a beautiful picture to be painted with our hearts through the power of love that no arguement or disagreement can ever disrupt. "I believe the sun also rises drying our tears and bringing the blue skies of day I believe the sun also rises lighting our past and driving the darkness away." Brave Saint Saturn post comment

letter to god [05 Oct 2007|07:16pm] This is something i wrote along time ago and i just found it and it kinda describes how i feel now so I figured i would post it I'm so emotionless right now, I can't desifer how I feel or who I am and yes it seems that there are so many things that I've thrown away, that I'll never see again! I'm sick to death of myself, I'm such a fake, you think you know me, you can see who I am? I don't even know me, I can't even see who I am! So how about that, I appologise to anyone who thinks that somehow I can be their cure for whatever in life, I can't even be my own cure anymore, the only thing I know is that I really don't know anything, when compared to all there is to know. This will be my prayer today because I've swallowed so many regrets that I'm choking on them and spitting them up in puddles of blood. How about this for a cure: i'll give up today, because I'm sick of being a Pesimistic Optimist, tired of being a Righteous Sinner, dieing from being an Honest Liar and lying hopeless from being an Unrealistic Dreamer. Flash me the light to bring myself to life, bring me what I need to render a hope in my life once more, find me a dream that I won't be able to fail or give up on, help me in life so that I won't let a day go by without talking to You! Remind me of blind love so that I can no longer disreguard or toss it to the side. Remember me when the time comes to take me home, and put me in my place, if there even is a place for someone like me. And if that place is or will be as dark and as cold as I feel in my soul, then lock me their for eternity, because I deserve nothing more than to imagine what I could have had, I harshly even deserve the images in my head so take my mind! I don't deserve anything, take my mind and my heart and yes they are yours, do what you want with them, just take them now, I'm giving them to you, but tomorrow, they will be mine again because I am, in the best of worst descriptions: a forgetful, deceitful, spiteful, lonely guy. Heh me...a cure? that's laughable i'm more like a disease. How about that? but I really don't want it anymore, I dont want this life, so take it, take it now, take my mind, take my soul--paint it white, paint me pure, and holy God, Angel of Grace lend me a hand! Help me now! you can be my cure and if again I fail--than take me so that I can fail no more. And in the presence of all your glory, finally, for once, let my life be a reflection of your amazing beauty so that I can feel like I'm no longer useless so that I can die with the dignity of a faithful servant, so that I can have some dignity to remind myself that I am someone, when I need to be reminded most. Remind me to love, when love is not deserved, to help when I can, and be helped when I'm in need, to be you to all who don't know you, so that they will, but if I have gone too far now in the wrong direction and this prayer has come just a day too late then I suppose there's nothing for me, all that I've grown so use to feeling and being, nothing and noone, is all I'll continue to know and when the time comes to lay me to sleep, I will lay forever as bitter and as empty as the days that I walked the earth, afflicted by pain, rejected by hope, renewed by faith, but bound by the chains of the world and when in my day I breath my last breath, I'll sigh in regret once more, knowing that everything that I made my everything, means nothing, because of my pride I held on to my life, you said "surrender it" but I held on cause of pride. So put me in my place, it's nothing i'm not use to. You made me, but I made me who I am, and for that I'll never forgive myself, because i know you're right and it hurts so bad. post comment

sometimes i feel.... [15 Jun 2006|05:29pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | bouncing souls ] that I am one big dissapointment, if I live to please then I guess I'm dead. 1 comment|post comment

don't cry for me [12 Jun 2006|07:17pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Bouncing Souls "lean on sheena" ] I am confident that there will come a day when life will make sence, I'm just not certain that I'll be around to aprectiate it post comment

It's Funny [13 Jan 2006|01:03pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | Aqualung "Brighter than Sunshine" ] It's funny how life changes, and in time we forget things. For a few months I forgot that blurty even existed. I imagine that mostly everyone else did too. There was a point in my life when I would write in here almost every day, and now I'm consumed with everything in life and when I get spare time I usually just go on myspace. I think though I'm going to make an effort to write in here a few times a week. I miss it. I've been writing a lot of songs lately and I'm feeling like there's hope for my dreams to come true. I was talking to my mom the other night and she said that she prays for me every night that I can make a music career if that's what I want to do. When she told me that it almost made me cry. I don't know what I want, but it would be nice to get paid for doing what I love. The future of Seize the Day is looking iffy, but I have a bunch of songs written by myself so even if it falls apart i'm going to continue to play gigs and stuff. I honestly don't thing Andrew cares about it as much as I do anymore, but it's cool, we have a big gig coming up and he's canceled so many practices in that it's gonna be hard to be 100% but oh well. I guess that's it for now. 2 comments|post comment

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