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Monday, July 28th, 2003
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6:00 pm - cartoon porn?
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5:42 pm - a passion is given only to the lucky...
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jackie and i had a great discussion a few nights ago. i realized how sad my mother is. She's lonely. she doesn't have any friends, any passions.. i think she just wants to run away and start a new life.
i sometimes sense that the only way to happiness is by being in touch with your heart, and being in touch with nature.
I wish i could give my mother a gift. but i dont know what to give.
I think the best gift i could give her is dress her into comfortable, earthy clothes. part and braid her hair, and give her a really good, book, and a blank diary to go with it. I would lead her to a nice, warm, sunny patch of grass, and make her take off her shoes and socks. she would run, laugh, read, write, sleep, think...
and just relax. and be alive.
sometimes i just wish she would forget about makeup, or fashion, or plastic surgery, or clothing.
and just decide what SHE wants with her image. her life. her heart.
i wish she would open her mind, and close her mouth.
i wish i could make her happy.
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Let it Be - the Beatles
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 27th, 2003
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12:50 pm
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im in nyc.
my aunt is being really nice - or at least has been. it was fun hanging out with her, until she starting spouting out racial shit, which totally disgusts me. and then she kept onpestering sarah and i about getting a 'professional' hair cut. "i like the way my hair looks" we said, and she would insist that "she understands, but she thinks it would look nicer if we got it done 'the right way'" (a.k.a. NOT my bathroom). So basically, the root of the problem is she doesnt like the way our hair looks, and she doesnt want to offend us, but she thinks she can 'make it better'.
maybe i like cutting my hair in my bathroom..
my uncle, of course is exactly the same. He is a complete control freak, that gets angy when you dont do something exactly the same way he does. if you dont like fucking sauce on your fish he looks at you like your satan. WHAT THE FUCK _ I LIKE MY FISH SAUCELESS!!!
dont get me wrong. i love these people. they are my family. but sometimes they make me really pissed off. and then i feel really bad, because they always want to spend their money on sarah and i. my father says that i should let them, because they like to. but fucking hell, you would feel bad to.
well, ive been staying up super late, to keep myself on california time. i stayed up until 2 last night, talking on the phone, and writing a song.
ah, that song. i wrote it for this nameless person. i bumped into the most amazing guy in new york city. we didnt talk, but we saw each other in town, like 4 more times after that. the likelihood of that is almost non exhistant! and he was BEAUTIFUL. i first saw him on the subway. i couldnt stop staring at him. and by the last time we saw each other ( in the whitney) we were both walking opposite directions, staring at each other. well, hopefully he wasnt staring because he though i was completely insane. but god, i just had this feeling.. i wanted to ask him on a date, but that would be impossible, considering hes what, 25 probably and im... well..... not. AND I DONT LIVE HERE. and i also have these two amazing people that im in love with back home.
its terrible, i always fall for the people that are out of my reach. One guy, i have swooned over for 5 years on and off.. hes a great actor, a great dancer, a great singer... ive done a few shows with him too - which is a plus, because not only do i get to work with such an amazing person, but i get to see him undress after every show (woohoo!! party!! glowsticks for everyone!!). god. all i want to do is ask him on a date, but i know he isnt interested. and honestly, its better to be friends with him than not speak to him at all.
and the other person is this amazing man i met not to long ago. As soon as i saw him, i had an attraction to him. he saved me when i was passed out and drunk and throwing up. oh, that sounds soo terrible, but true. and after i was ill for quite some time, we sat up late at night before he took me home and just talked. he confessed he had some feelings for me, and i, in my drunkedness, laughed because i didnt believe him. and then i laughed because i totally dig him too. and then i laughed more, because i realized i wanted to kiss him, but i was drunk, and had vomit on my face, and had just thrown up about 10 times while i was sitting next to him, and my best friend was passed out in his car........ so the moment instantly disintegrated.
this man is perfect. hes gorgeous, smart, incredibly funny, great sense of humor, fun to be with, and really relaxed, not to mention incredibly responsible and trustworthy, and polite! the only problem is that hes 23. and if any of you know how old i actally am, well, our age difference sets the scene for complete disaster.
to give you any idea, im still living with my parents. and im still in highschool.
FUCK ME! I HATE HIGHSCHOOL! I HATE IT! everyone is stupid! and annoying! and stuck up! and all people want to to do is have stupid fucking parties so they can get trashed and break shit. dobt they want to learn? dont they want to make something of themselves? dont they have a passion?!
and all i want to do is get on a bus and be by myself. in an apartment. away from my family, away from fucking highschool, and most of all, away from my age.
current mood:  drained
current music: yesterday - by the amazing Beatles
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| Saturday, July 26th, 2003
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11:56 pm - Im just going to add some prewritten stuff.... this is about a relationship i had recently..
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*a slam*
this is relief?
this crushing crime?
the catch is that it will never resign.
it taps at your brain like the
seconds
of
time.
my heart is a stye of swine
this candlelit memory like sweet wine and a
cheap rhyme i signed
for you to keep in your notebook.
JUST BECAUSE ITS DEAD DOESNT MEAN ITS FINE.
my choice
my voice
is no longer mine.
who knew you dressed me as the mime?
i cant draw the line
I CANT MOVE.
this is relief?
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| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
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5:35 pm - Laces - 6/6/03
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Laces bind me like an empty bucket at your ankles.
Hipbown bowls clapping, chained with a frayed crimson..
your needle is penetrating my hollowed, bongo passion - which desintegrates like cotton candy rolling with your dripping urges.
lace my soul shut.
current music: Chocolate Genius - Julia (cover)
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(comment on this)
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3:11 pm
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oh man.
i tried talking with my mom. instead of understanding, she decided she was right, and that its pretty much her kids fault her life is miserable. when i said goodbye to her she looked like she was going to cry. hm. fun way to start the day.
sam and rhett ditched me on my last day in monterey.
hm, even better.
yeah, so im just going to chill alone at morgans.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Rolling Stones - Get offa my cloud.
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| Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
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8:05 pm - bacon is brown and crunchy? memoirs of the 12th dawning..
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today was an interesting day. Took a tour of RLS *drool*. its gorgeous and amazing. I didnt really want to leave (insert image of me wearing pink skirt, black tank, cute pumps, clutching to the frame of a doorway as numerous business like people pull on my hips in efforts to loosen my grip). oh god its gorgeous.
i stumbled across two epiphanies today.
(1) mother is never going to want to spend money on anyone but herself
and the other is totally NOT related to this subject...
(2) There is no such thing as the most beautiful woman.
I find that in my life, i have spent much time striving to be the most beautiful girl. and now that i know there is no such thing as one that surpasses all, i feel a ton better.
well.. anyways.
thats pretty much the extent of my day. taking the tour, going through the interview (relaxing) and writing another admissions paper (nervewracking, but i ended up doing a killer job - SCORE!)
man, fuck me. i leave for new york tomorrow, which is cool, but if i dont get rls shit squared away, i get back THE DAY school starts. fuck public year round school. it makes me want to hurl.
current music: Motley Crew - GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS!
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| Monday, July 21st, 2003
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8:44 pm
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My mother..... God knows I love her, god knows she's even kept me alive when I once questioned my need to exhist... But sometimes I feel like she's completely against me. We don't really talk much, for one. So if I fuck up or make a mistake, she really won't ever find a way to trust me.
i am currently applying to a private school. RLS. ok, i have shitty grades. but to tell you the honest truth, im bored to hell with public school - and its really hard to have an effort when you feel like your wasting 6 hours of your day on bullshit. But because my grades suck, doesnt mean I suck!! can't she see that?! I know if i am challenged, I can do well. Exellent. Whatever amazing word you want to insert - i can do it. even if she doesnt believe me, cant she at least support me?! no. she tells me my father is setting me up for dissapointmet for applying. ... "cant you just go to carmel high? your probably getting the same education." uh, scuse me, but i dont think 525 students would be paying 18,000 a year for a public school education, would they?
and whenever i try to have a calm discussion about it with her, she just shoots me down. she doesnt understand - i dont care if she doesnt pay a penny. i dont care. cant she at least have faith in me?
of course not. sometimes it feels like she never has, and often it feels like she never will.
current mood: crushed
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4:41 pm
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THIS JOURNAL is such a bitch. its taken me a few hours to get where i am, and i still havent put up a background i want or anything like that. man.. i suck at this game.
current mood: frustrated
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(comment on this)
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4:41 pm
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THIS JOURNAL is such a bitch. its taken me a few hours to get where i am, and i still havent put up a background i want or anything like that. man.. i suck at this game.
current mood: frustrated
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