|
|
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
| |
6:52 pm
|
it was magnificent.
the way...
even though we......
and then I......
hm.
current music: Big Country - Bela Fleck and the Flecktones
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, August 31st, 2003
| |
10:55 am
|
went to wizard of oz at the forest last night.
god it was..... not so good...
I had a really great time with my mom though. we were laughing and talking and just goofing around.
it was cool.
adam called - cant see him until the weekend - because i made plans on the one day he was free. (humph).
im going to see oklahoma today.
i will see nick tomorrow :).
i have absolutely nothing to say.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, August 30th, 2003
| |
5:32 pm - Untitled
|
casually (slander)
spit (my) impurity -
flashing (me) like a pin on your (fucking)
jacket.
Let Me Be
the one that reads "stained".
I was clean before you(r verb parade).
and thanks;
to You , i am nothing
but a scandalous paperback.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
5:30 pm - Emotions
|
I dream a styrofoam cup.
You could lick my borders like a lover.
I would remain an unpierced virgin,
never plagued with the soreness of two.
If i am this Dream,
you may fill me infinity.
I spill, tumble, and forget.
roll in the wind like a found wanderer.
I would forget.
I would forget.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
11:48 am
|
man. having a rough weekend.
my mom makes fun of me a lot. it makes me feel really bad. i love her, but that doesnt mean i want her to tell me she thinks my boobs are saggy. i dont think theyre saggy. i like them. god damn.
and it makes me really bummed that she thinks im bullshitting her all the time. Today i want to get together with a study group, because im behind in english. she was really reluctant to let me go because she thought i was feeding her shit so i could get out of the house. and she just tries to find ways to make it seem like i'm twisting the story.
im only being honest with her. ever since ripley and i fucked up, all i have been was honest to her. truly. and it makes me so mad that she doesnt even want to try and believe me.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 29th, 2003
| |
7:23 pm
|
HUCKLEBERRY HILL -- H.L.S.
We pretended for a while.
I decided i was the tree
and you were the Jay,
tickling with fingertips
like a wordless poet.
You exhaled your
almost myths of the past
like a whisper resignating in my taproot.
You climbed up my sides
like a needy squirrel
whom began to rustle and hybernate
in the hollow of my heart.
As we stealthily drove away,
it dawned on me that you were no longer
the Jay poet, or the dozing palpitations.
that day you became my sap, my earth, my air, my everything.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
7:13 pm
|
yes, its friday.
this week has been a perfect prelude to a wonderful weekend.
got an a-/b+ on my english paper.
had my first orchestra concert, and i totally did great.
wrote a fucking awesome poem today.
and adams back in town.
hehehe.... and im writing a really cool emo kid song, to the tune of girl from Ipenima:
take off your sweater vest, and glasses
cuts your hair and your poetry classes
invest in a pick up truck, emo boy.
thats all i have so far. its fun. yey.
I called Barry the other day. hes so sweet. its to bad he's, well........ well what he is is besides the point. he's in college now - northridge. hes having a good time. im really glad for him.
aaron left town today. i miss him already. hes so wonderful. i wish i could just walk to his house and listen to records with him.. but hes in seattle, with all the other jimmy Hendrics lovin hippies. I was jimmy de-virginized! i heard him for the first time ( i know its unbelievable!) at aarons house. we sat and played guitar, and taught (sp?) him how to play some fun songs.. hm... i hope he comes back soon.
current mood:  happy
current music: girl from ipemina
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, August 21st, 2003
| |
7:43 pm
|
today was a great day. infact, this has been a great week so far.
today, rehersal was really great. Carl and I have these really great tense scenes together - and ive never really played a character like this before, so its gonna be really great. and larry also has some really great artistic ideas for the show.
i met ripley after school today. we are planning to go to rocky horror tomorrow - and we went into this really raunchy store so she could find some nasty clothes to wear. haha, it was great. we were making fun of all the creepy shit in there. The place is called 'ambient fashions', and the greatest part about it is that the shop is located right next to taco bell. honestly, it smells like processed, freeze dried nasty grade B meat in there. I just dont get why someone would want to set up a store like that across from a fast food restaraunt. ESPECIALLY taco bell. Honestly, its not nicknamed toxic hell for nothing...
i called adam, and hes going back to new york for the weekend - if he can afford it. but he said he wants to see me tomorrow for a lunch. so im going to lunch with him.
oh man, i can feel my insides churning just thinking about it.
i dont know.. i tend to think in pictures, like frames, and scenes like a movie. As i was writing about him meeting me for lunch i was thinking about us sitting at these to cute tables at this local cafe. he'd be wearing that great blue shirt, and i.. wow. i need to do laundry! what will i wear? im such a girl..... ANY-ways, we were sitting eating, and i was laughing. then he started talking about something and i was 'dabbing' my face with a napkin.
god im such a freak.
when i got home, i played guitar (of course.). i realized how dependent i am on music. the first thing i do when i wake up is put on the radio. I sing in the shower. I listen to music on the way to school. I play guitar during lunch, and sometimes in larrys drama class. I play cello in orchestra. then i go home, and play more guitar. in fact, i play all night. Yesterday, the only thing i did was play cello for an hour, and i had this mental break down. i freaked out, and so i had to play piano. i dont like playing piano as much, because im not very good (but its fun to sing along). but i played for like, 45 minutes, and then i ran out of things to play. since im terrible at writing piano music, considering i only play once a week at most, i stopped. it was crazy, because i HONESTLY couldnt concentrate. i felt totally restless, and was really sad that i didnt have my guitar with me. But to make up for it, i did my makeup all crazy and sang "don't tell mama". so i felt a little better.
god, im addicted. its painful to be away from my guitar.
current mood:  blah
current music: No Lies, Just Love - Bright Eyes
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
| |
9:27 pm
|
havent written in a while. 2 weeks? maybe 3? eh.
i tried setting up a xanga.
i succeeded in doing so, but i dont think i really like it all that much. yeah, so my web page is pretty - but it has a different feel to it. whatever.
cabaret auditions have come and gone. I got sally. im SOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. i honestly didnt think i would get it.
hung out with adam not to long ago. did i write about going to asilomar? he drove me to asilomar to go tide pool hopping.
the whole idea was presented to me a week before the event. I told ripley, acting all stupid and excited and girly, and she just laughed and said it sounded nerdy. but i think its sweet!
we found a lot of cool critters. I saw this one really big crab hiding between two rocks.
have you ever thought about the way pelicans are shaped? its so out of proportion!
or have you ever thought about having a tail? it would be so damn cool. and people would excercize their tails, so some people would have really huge thick ones, and other people would have sleek, slim ones. And they would be really long, and you could hold bananas with them.
adam and i talked about really obscure, funny things.
and it was so much fun.
last time i saw him, we drove up to huckleberry hill. it was beautiful and foggy. we were listening to gorgeous classical piano music, and just goofing around. it was really great.
oh and he called me while he was working just today, but i missed the call. maybe he'll ring tomorrow though. and even if he doesnt, im going to see him on friday at rocky horror (woot woot!).
god im so pathetic and love crazed.
current mood: pleased
current music: Don't Tell Mama - Cabaret
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, August 10th, 2003
| |
8:39 pm
|
You have a surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
your loved one with all your love =p
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
8:19 pm - fuck my pathetic little life.
|
adam called me today. he said he was free tomorrow to do something.
oh god, i have such a huge ..... AHH on him.
and as much as i like him, i know nothing will come of it.
even if he happens to return the affection, nothing more can come from it. tide pool hopping and one satisfactory kiss will be the end of it. and it hurts, because there arent many people that i have ever felt so strongly for.
christ, when he hung up the phone, i screamed and jumped around my room uncontrollably. but how could anyone blame me?! he is so kind, and polite, and respectful. and even after all of that glory, he still happens to be really easy to be around, and so much fun to talk to.
i certainly dont feel this way about aaron. not nick either.
god this is weird. i have this, empty, satisfied feeling in me. im happy i know him, and im happy i feel about him that way, but god......... ah why cant i be older?! i cant find anyone my age that i like, because theyre all sex crazed, irresponsible assholes.
and i finally stumble across a purely wonderful person. and a relashionship is so impossible its fatal.
current mood:  quixotic
current music: waste of paint - bright eyes
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, August 9th, 2003
| |
11:43 pm
|
went and saw rocky horror tonight at mpc.
saw it yesterday too.
i dressed up.
i yelled obscene things.
it was cool.
i called aaron to hang out. hes sooooooooo cute. he was at work though.
maybe tomorrow?
i saw ripley and her cousin, though. it was cool.
im really fucken tired.
man, the guy who played rocky was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good looking. he was really fucken buff. not to mention the fact that he had a really b - ...... well, we was wearing a little gold speedo. mmmm.
im way to good to be thinking these things..
but i guess its ok, as long as i dont.. act on anything. :) hhmmhmhm.....
god, im too tired to be writing this shit.
current mood:  hot
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 1st, 2003
| |
10:14 pm
|
|
| |
9:41 pm
|
my grandmother grosses me out.
she just does.
i cannot stand it anymore. everything about her -
the bald spots on her head, her sickly hands, her nasty skin. not to mention she is completely insane.
the way she eats her food. she gums it, like she doesnt have teeth, and rolls it around like slobbery, disgusting fudge. she opens her lips ever so slightly, as to show some of the putrid soggy clumps of food to you. and she always backwashes this cloud of death into her drink.
the way she nudges me when she laughes. sickly like.
the dirty jokes she tells, that only come off incredibly disgusting.
the way she puts on her lipstick, always getting it on her teeth and outside of her lips.
the way she walks.
the way her hands shake when she holds her cup of coffee.
the way she laughes - real big mouthed, with no sound. she just holds her mouth open really wide and squints her eyes, and lets out this rhaspy breath of air. ..ehhww.
the way she likes to rub my arm.
the way she talks.
the way she slumps.
the way she crosses her legs.
the way she picks at her disgusting skin (can you say goldmember?)
the way she talks about disgusting things, like her flaky eyelids, her waxy ears, sex...
the way she slaps the table when she thinks she's incredibly funny.
the way she likes to tell jokes until you pretend not to hear.
the way she likes to be all matter of fact-ish.
the way her finger nails have yellowed over time.
the way she even files her fingernails.
the way she talks about my grandfathers feet looking similar to mine.
the way she frowns and rolls her eyes.
the way she lets her mouth hang open when she sleeps. she looks like a dying fish, gasping for air.
the way her eyes are all sunken into her head.
the way her cheecks have these sick little dents in them - and then she complains hes fat.
the way her boobs literally sag down to her belly.
the way she touches her hair.
the way her hair flattenes against her head when she sits on the lazy boy too long.
the way her nose curls down - it reminds me of when i was eleven and i was at the mortuary for my great grandmothers viewing. i was so afraid to go into that room, i only peeked in once - and i saw my nanas nose peeking out of the coffin. eww.
and the way the inside of her nose looks black, her nostrils all big, as if is some endless pit of hair and boogers.
the way she likes to pull up her shirt and show me her camisols. eww.
god, everything about her sicks me out.
everything about her worries me to death.
current mood: worried
current music: no musical preference. i just sit in silent disgust.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
1:16 pm - if drama is a religion, does that make larry welch a preacher? i think so..
|
i find that i think about the most passionate things when im about to fall asleep.
last night, i thought about theater. my wonderful friend jackie opened me up to the idea that drama was like a religion. and the fact is, a theater is much like a church. ive prayed, ive cried, ive dreamed, ive worshiped - all in a theater.
that thought led me to think that theater was truly a faith, because it comes with this thing, that you cant see, but you can feel.
that led me to think that drama was possibly only a deep love. its true you worship what you love, is it not?
but then i realizes that you also love what you worship.
so ive decided that its somewhere between this mysterious triangle between loving, worshiping, and just doing.
current mood:  curious
current music: anything from the new muffs tape i just bought yesterday
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 31st, 2003
| |
10:21 pm
|
N.T. is getting to me. Went into the record store the second time in 2 days. bought some tapes - the muffs, the clash, john coltrain, and... something else.
went to dunkin donuts.
there are so many overweight people here. ok, let me refrase that:
there are so many obese people here. it makes me not want to eat anything.
i havent been reading as much as i should be. now i have a guitar to distract me, and ive been playing for hours a day.
i feel bad, because i have a lot of homework to do - but ive been writing some music, so thats cool.
i wish i could say somethink interesting, but i have absolutely nothing going on.
i think my grandmother has lost her marbles though. thats kind of engaging to think about. she is really crazy, too. she mutters things to herself, and likes to tell 'jokes' that dont really make sense... she talks about really obscure things. and my poor grandfather just kind of ignores her insanity.
my sister has been tapdancing in the basement for about 2 hours.
she was reluctant, but she let me try on her tap shoes. i danced a little bit, and then she got mad and wanted them back.
she likes to exercize on the stationary bike downstairs. i dont think she gets that if she doesnt but an incline on it, she doesnt really get any exercize at the rate she's going at. i tried to tell her, but she just said "SHH!.... SHUT UP!" so i wisely backed off after that.
i talked to barry today. i find that i like him so much more now that were not dating anymore. i like talking with him a lot. its cool.
im still schmaltzy over nick. (sigh). i cant help it. i wrote a song for him, too.
G C
You already have my word
A (?) D
that secret still is left unheard
G C
You never tried to hold my hand
A D
But im not really worried about that
CHORUS (4 bars x2)
G C
Just dont shy away from me
A D
DOnt shy away from me
(same chords as above verse)
maybe im not what you yearn
to change is something i cant learn
but ill be whatever you need me for
and i wont ask for nothing more.... but please
(chorus)
dont shy away from me
dont shy away from me
.... and im really lazy, so im not going to add the rest of the song. i also wrote another, but i certainly dont have the energy to write that one down either!
ok. i should really read. im going to cruise by the writing projects, and go upstairs...
current mood: lazy
current music: Dont think twice - Bob Dylan
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
| |
12:59 pm - everyone else just lies to me - they say your a dream.
|
|
| |
10:52 am - oh, wait, what? im supposed to be awake?
|
landed in North Tonawanda yesterday.
the only interesting thing in town is the salvation army and the record store.
everyone is racist. it makes me want to kick someones teeth in. honestly, what the hell. why are people racist?! its so stupid. whats wrong with being a different race?! were all still humans, and we were all put on the same planet.
besides, i think black people are especially beautiful.
oh man, we have a farmers market back home, and theres a beautiful black man that works there. hes probably in his early twenties. he has really dark skin, and big, pretty eyes. i dont know what it is, but i love the contrast between dark skin and the white in peoples eyes. i think its so gorgeous....
haha, well anyways, enough swooning for me.
have to go.bye
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
| |
10:52 am - yey!
|
|
| Monday, July 28th, 2003
| |
9:56 pm - fuck me
|
fuck me for making my aunt feel bad by accident.
fuck me for eating too much and gaining weight.
fuck me for wanting to go to and expensive school that i cant really afford, and the drama department isnt great..
and fuck the media for making everyone all insecure and shit.
and fuck pepsi.
and victoria secret.
and nike.
and all that shit.
and mc donalds - if you havent read fast food nation, you should.
ok im finished.
current mood: calm
current music: john lennon - out of the blue
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
