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SoEffingHot@Blurty.com   ♥ [07 Jun 2005 09:47pm]
Join SoEffingHot@Blurty.com
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SoEffingHot is a rating community based not only on looks, but on personality as well.

First five applicants will be auto-accepted.

Thanks.
3 ♥ Post Love

Advertisement...   ♥ [30 Mar 2005 07:19pm]
Hey, you should all take a look at graffix___...

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Thanks. =)
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Happy Birthday remorsefultears   ♥ [22 Mar 2005 12:24pm]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS MARSHA LOUISE
8 ♥ Post Love

oh IF only I weren't so tired...   ♥ [15 Mar 2005 02:06pm]
I'm going to take a nap. Get up and go BACK to work. Come back and do homework. Possibly update.

Spring break went really well. Being back at school is tiring because I actually have to do stuff.

My paycheck was about fifty dollars more than I thought it was going to be...how fricking awesome is that?!

My car needs a new alternator though...so there goes that extra fifty...plus a hundred.
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...   ♥ [03 Feb 2005 06:06pm]
I. Hate. Being. Sick. The. End.
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BOREDOM...   ♥ [25 Jan 2005 04:15pm]
Anyone have any suggestions for wasting time? Any good websites? Online games?

I probably won't have much time to waste after this week, but for tonight I've got time on my hands that I don't know what to do with...This doesn't happen very often.
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Hmm.   ♥ [22 Jan 2005 01:39pm]
So, I'm now the proud owner of 2 communities, go me.

theoc_
poetryaddicts
(Okay, so I'm not smart enough to get the community icon next to them...sue me?)


Come and join! (Seth, do not even make fun of me or I will BEAT YOU...)
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Friends Only   ♥ [17 Jan 2005 04:07pm]
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I have ... 2 minutes.   ♥ [13 Jan 2005 10:58pm]
I promised myself I'd be in bed AT ELEVEN. I have to get up and go to work ... Quarter to Seven...IN THE MORNING. Yeah. Insane. That's what I get for cutting my hand at work. He switched my shift, switched my job...and now I'm stuck being a cashier at SEVEN IN THE MORNING...not that very many people actually go to breakfast, but whatever. That's just insanely early.

So yeah, accidentally shoved a lovely piece of glass into my hand, after I broke it...=\ Today was not a good day for me.

Oh, crap, it's eleven...'night.
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Yay   ♥ [08 Jan 2005 02:22am]
Big thanks to Marsha for making my journal all OCified!
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I hate crying...   ♥ [07 Jan 2005 10:15pm]
I'm so confused. I don't know what's going on in my stupid messed up head. I know that I hate hurting like this, but I also know that it will kill me to say goodbye. I don't want to jeopardize anything, but I know I probably already have. I'm so stupid. I'm pretty sure I ruined a really great friendship over stupid emotions. I can't take any of it back, and I can't change the way I feel, but maybe I can change the way I react, the way I respond to stuff like this. Think much more than I already do before I speak...

I can keep trying, but it doesn't mean anything is going to change.

I'm just so tired of hurting myself like this...Thinking these thoughts, and dreaming dreams, and wishing wishes...I know it's all my fault, I know it's something I should have never started. I know they say you can't help who you love...but I really wish I could. I can try to make myself believe I don't. I can try to convince the rest of the world, really test my acting ability...but who knows if I can do that without breaking down, again and again? I'm an emotional spazoid. Everyone knows that...at least I think they do.

I never should have asked the questions I asked. But you can't revoke the past. These things I've done, can't be taken back, so I guess I'll just live with the consequences. I can try to mend things, try to make it better, but there's no guarantee on how long it will last, or if it will even work at all. I guess we'll see? Or maybe I just won't try...because I don't want to cause any further damage.

I know you'll probably never understand...but I'm trying.
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I wish I had no emotion   ♥ [07 Jan 2005 12:07am]
I wish I could be objective about everything. That would make my life so much easier. Sometimes, I think know I'm too emotinal. I think too much into things. I get hurt too easily. I give people more credit than they truly deserve. I overreact. I'm sorry.
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And now I have no place left to go...   ♥ [06 Jan 2005 10:02pm]
Countdown from 13 )
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Weeee   ♥ [06 Jan 2005 07:14pm]
I just talked to Ant's mommy on the phone, she said he just got out of surgery and he's doing well. He's just knocked out for the time being, and he's in ICU? Do you do well in ICU? I thought ICU was for people who WEREN'T doing well? Oi. His mom is so nice! She answered the phone and I got confused though...I was like "Er, is Anthony there?" and then she explained everything to me. She seems like a really sweet lady. But, I just thought I'd let you all know since I found something out?

56 Days until spring break...and my very first visit to Natchitoches.
226 Days until I move to Natchitoches. Yay.
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UGH   ♥ [05 Jan 2005 07:50pm]
I just want to send him a stupid birthday card and he has to make it difficult. Screw it. Screw him. Screw this. Apparently, my feelings are pointless and worthless. What I think doesn't matter. What I want doesn't matter. SO screw it.

My aunt's trying to guilt-trip me out of going to NSU (That's what I have to tell everyone about Lauren). Both my parents are okay with it, it's what's going to make me happy, just let me do it. I still haven't called my sister and told her yet, I'm afraid she's going to yell at me, or cry or something. I think I'll wait and tell her after everything is final. Nothing she can do once it's all final. I just want to get away from here. And...Bluffton just sucks anymore. I want to go AWAY. I'm just...frustrated. I can't afford to go to Bluffton. 26 grand a year is a bit too much for me...I'm not getting enough scholarship money to afford Bluffton. My dad asked why I couldn't go to a school here that cost less than Bluffton, but I don't want to stay here. I'm so sick of living here. I just want to LEAVE. My aunt said I'm not allowed to go to NSU because it's too far away, and I might find a job there and never come back home. That's the point.

My eye is twitching because I'm mad. STUPID PIECE OF CRAP.
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OI OI OI   ♥ [05 Jan 2005 05:55pm]
One hour and five minutes until I get the biggest bitching-out of my entire life. Kacy's going to be pissssssed. I cleared it with my mom though. She wasn't excited or anything, but she said it was okay. I'm SO scared to call Kacy and tell her...There's one opinion I would really love to get before I finalize my decision. Just one. I don't care if my sister's pissed for a while, she'll get over it because she loves me. Or she won't. Simple as that. She's been mad at me before. OH, I have to tell my dad too. I didn't even think about that. Guess I better go call him...Wish me luck with the phone calls.
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I see you baby, shakin that thaaaang...shakin' that thang...   ♥ [05 Jan 2005 12:24pm]
Oh man, I'm bored, I have a HUGE headache, and I have to go babysit in half an hour. YAY. =\

Made a new icon...because I was bored this morning.

Did lotsss of thinking, well, planning...this morning. It's exciting stuff.

I could be saving 5845 dollars...per semester...wow.

MY HEAD IS KILLLLLLING ME.

I better go get dressed now.
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MmMm   ♥ [04 Jan 2005 01:54pm]
I just went to the bank for mom, and I have to go watch Paige in about an hour.

I woke up at 11 this morning, got online and talked to Shaun. Got on cam (with no makeup on?!) and we talked for a bit about how I've been feeling lately. He told me to write him a letter whenever I felt down, and send it to him. I told him he still owed me a letter...but said I'd send him a letter anyway. Shaun is one of the few people I can accept compliments from, and be totally open with. I'm open with other people as well, but Shaun knows, well, everything. I'm not selective when I talk to him. I don't hide any emotions or thoughts from him. I don't shield myself. I know I can trust him with my thougths, my feelings, my words. He's been one of my best friends for 4 years now, well, off and on. We've both taken turns disappearing for months at a time. We went almost a whole year not talking once, because I said something stupid like "Don't talk to me ever again" or something to that effect...I meant it at the time, but looking back, it was irrational. We missed a lot during that year, a lot that can't be made up. When we started speaking to each other again, he told me I needed to not hold grudges for so long, because it broke his heart to not talk to me for so long. I cried. It was pathetically sad and sappy.

I've just been reading through some of my first Blurty entries, I've grown up, a lot. I used to be SO lame...haha. I'm still pretty lame, but at least I'm not AS lame? I don't know, maybe I AM still just as lame as I used to be. It's all good though.
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These voices in my head won't stop...   ♥ [04 Jan 2005 03:41am]
I hate it when I try to go to bed, and as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm hit with a million and two thoughts. It's worse when it's a poem, and I know if I don't write it down, I'll never get it back.

Broken )

Emotional Storm )

I hate when I can't sleep. It's been happening a lot lately. I'm tired as crap, but I can't for the life of me get to sleep before two hours have passed. I lay in bed wondering my what-if's. Imaginging scenarios that won't ever come to be. Ah well, I'm off to go find something to amuse myself until I get tired enough that I might fall asleep when I go to my bed.
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Quick, while it's still fresh in my mind...   ♥ [04 Jan 2005 02:05am]
Just got off the phone with Mandie. It was quite interesting. An hour and seven minutes. I didn't do much talking, but when do I ever? It was soooo weird, the whole conversation was like listening to a voice in my head. I don't think I've ever talked to someone quite so similar to me. I mean, we definitely have our differences, but it's weird how similar we are. There was lots of giggling on the phone, it was weirrrrrrrd. Oh well, I need to get to bed...errands to run for mom tomorrow. Yay...
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It's pathetic when one little comment, can ruin your mood...   ♥ [03 Jan 2005 07:51pm]
I cannot believe that Zach just made the comment he made. I think I actually saw red for a few seconds. I'm currently not speaking to him, because I know I'll get pissy and say something I regret. I feel like going and punching things now.

(QW#*$&JFKLSDFJ(W#*UDOJSKLASJD*(&*TIHFLKSJDFLKJFh8934528udflsjfklU*(WR%&

*Breathes*
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Stole it from Marsha!   ♥ [03 Jan 2005 05:00pm]
mood  ♥  annoyed
music  ♥  "She Figured Me Out" Stroke 9

Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play!
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 20 songs that play!
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from!
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly!

Lyrics )

I really need to get out of this house for a night. My mom is driving me nuts. Maybe I'll see if Amy's home, I can go spend the night with her. Or maybe I'll just go spend the night at my dad's. My mom just asked me why I needed so many books for school...RIGHT...I'll just go to classes without books. o.O UGH, she's frustrating. I only need four more books...four out of my eight, that's not bad. She doesn't understand why I need so many books? I have as full a load as my advisor would let me have...16.5 credits. Well, okay, that's actually more than he told me I should do. He told me to do around 14.5 so as not to overload myself? Pfft. I have 5 classes and 3 activity credits. That's not extremely bad, but yeah, I DO NEED BOOKS FOR THOSE CLASSES...It's painfully obvious that though she has taken college courses, she's never taken more than one at a time. She's just really bitchy lately. I need to get out of this house. It's driving me insane. I don't really feel like leaving though, too bad I'm lazy.

9 ♥ Post Love

He's as damned as he seems, more heaven than a heart could hold...   ♥ [03 Jan 2005 04:25pm]
mood  ♥  excited
music  ♥  Kelly Clarkson - "Beautiful Disaster"

I've slept more in the past two days than in the four previous days combined. I feel ten million times better. I've tried to just stop thinking, it's working to an extent. I read some more of my book, watched some movies. Just...didn't think about it too much. I'm going to cut down on my computer time, update a little less, spend more time with my offline friends.

My New Years Resolutions (I just figured them out last night.)
1.Be happy.
2.Every day I want to do something mentally challenging, physically challenging, something that makes someone else happy, something that makes me happy, and something that helps someone else.
3.Lose weight. (I'm not going to set a specific goal, I'm going to be happy with whatever disappears!)
4.Don't care what other people think of me.
5.Realize I can't please everyone, and I can't compromise my own happiness for that of others.
6.Be okay with what I have, and not wish for what I can't have.
7.Be more confident, friendly, and open about my feelings.
8.Be less of a pushover.
9.Do well in my classes...meaning GO TO THEM and do my homework and such.
10.Spend less time at my computer...
11.Whine less.
12.Get more sleep...time providing.
13.I'm not going to deal with internet drama anymore...

Much better resolutions than just disappearing. I don't think I could have kept that resolution anyway, even if I hadn't texted Seth on New Years Eve. Odd how it turned out to be 13 resolutions, my favorite number. I have a feeling that this year is going to be different from every other year. I'm growing up, maybe I should have tried that last year, when I turned 18? Nah. I need to learn to be able to do things on my own. I need to learn to be my own person, not everyone's doormat. Someone special pointed that out to me. It's okay for me to be happy, it's not going to hurt anyone. Although, I think I just hurt Michael's feelings. I was one of the few people he actually talked to about his problems, but I can't do that anymore. I have enough problems of my own, though. I'm going to be more focused on school. I'm going to prove Amanda's initial perception of me wrong, I'm very serious about school, last semester it just seemed incredibly hard for me to get out of bed and go to class. This semester, I won't miss any class. Or, I'll try my damnedest not to. I'm not going to skip work either. I have responsibilities, a cell phone bill, tuition, I've gotta save up some money for a trip this summer, or possibly spring break, depending on how much I can save in that time. Not sure where I'm going just yet, but you can bet it'll be special! Possibly England this summer, with Yonica and Liz.

Oh man, I just realized how much I miss hanging out with the girls on my floor. It's odd how some of us are very detached, uncaring and bitchy, and others of us are caring, close and as nice as they come...My floor is nicely diversified. We're getting two new girls this semester, that'll be fun. Samantha's getting a new roommate, since Kimmy moved home and is commuting now. There's also Winter Formal this semester. I think I'm going to ask Isaiah. I doubt he'll say yes, but what's it going to hurt to ask him? He's a really nice kid, he grew up with my roommate. He's an IT major, which means he can fix my computer when it screws up! Haha, kidddding.

I'm going to keep my room clean this semester as well. I don't know if my roommate will do that, but my stuff will all be tidy. I'll do laundry when it needs done, not a week afterwards! Dishes will be done as soon as they're dirtied. I won't just throw things whereever. And there will be a folder for each of my classes, instead of one communal folder for all of my things. A separate notebook for each class as well. I'm going to be more organized. I can't wait to get back to school.

I'm hoping I'm going to have enough money to pay my cell phone bill on the 19th. Two week paycheck, that's going to suck, plus, I didn't work all of that two weeks...Oops. I'm saving the money I get paid for babysitting, plus I have ten dollars, and I'm going to see if I can get some money from my dad...maybe early birthday money?! I'm getting another job when I get back to school. Even if I have to work at McDonalds.

I have this weird feeling coming over me. I'm excited about this year. I've never been excited about a new year, not like this. I've never made resolutions I felt I could actually keep. It's a whole new year, I've just got a little bit of a delayed reaction.

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I can't get back to sleep.   ♥ [02 Jan 2005 03:56am]
mood  ♥  awake
music  ♥  "Whiskey Lullaby" - Brad Paisley.

And Every time I close my eyes, I think of you.
I realize I'm never going to have you, but...
that's what dreams are for.
I'll wake up in the morning and face reality.
But for now I just want to dream.
To have you hold me in your arms,
and pretend that everything's okay.
I want to wish away this pain that comes from being alone.
I envy those that can sleep a dreamless sleep,
not haunted by your memories.
The thoughts of you that invade my head each night,
before I slip into my dream-filled sleep,
are almost unbearable, they keep me awake,
even when I'm dreaming.
Tears slide down my tired face,
and I almost can't bear the fact that I'm alone
as always.

Oi, I woke up because I got a text from Marsha. Well, I don't see how that was, since I had it set to vibrate and my phone doesn't vibrate when it's charging...but I still somehow woke up shortly after she texted me. I'd just barely gone to sleep. I'm probably up for the day now. Yay. I'll get tired about noonish, and take a nap. I should go watch Stepford Wives so that mom can take it back when she goes to the store in a couple-few hours. I can't believe that I'm wide awake at four am. This is slightly ridiculous. Good thing Michael doesn't sleep, or I'd be awfully lonely right now. I think I'm going to go watch my movie, hopefully I'll fall asleep. The whole, not getting a lot of sleep thing, doesn't suit me, I like my sleep!

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Happy? New Year everyone.   ♥ [01 Jan 2005 05:07pm]
My head is pounding. I swear I didn't drink excessively last night though. Four fuzzy navels. Half a Smirnoff Triple Black. That's it. I think my headache has something to do with not sleeping until 10:30 this morning. I could NOT fall asleep at my sister's house for anything. I did a lot of thinking again this morning. I haven't been to bed before 5 am for the past few days. Lots of thinking.

I'm not sure what compelled me to text message Seth last night, to have a good New Years and be safe. It wasn't the best idea if I truly wanted to stick with my plan to disappear, but I just felt like I needed to. I finally got tired of typing on my phone and asked him to call me, so he did. Then we tried to three-way Mandie, but to no avail. And then we three-wayed Marsha. That was interesting. I got teased MERCILESSLY by my siblings for being on the phone all night. I spent about five hours talking to him last night? 4 text messaging/instant messaging and 1 talking. Totally did not keep my resolution to myself. Most of our conversation consisted of "CHUG" coming from Seth...Silly boy.

On the subject of me planning to disappear...well, there really was a lot of thought put into that. I just wanted to stop feeling like I felt. I figured disappearing, not talking to anyone anymore, would help, but then I realized it probably wouldn't. At least that way I wasn't involving anyone else though.

I have this intense sadness about me that just won't go away. I think it has a lot to do with my depression, but something to do with my feelings for a certain someone as well. There's not anything anyone can do about either of the reasons for my sadness. Mandie, it's not Seth that's hurting me, there's not anything he can do to help the way I'm feeling...so don't worry about me, please.

My brother's ex said something to me last night that totally just hit home "You can't help who you love...that's why I had a Clark baby." Well, okay, it was kind of funny, because I know what she means about the Clarks, they're an odd, hot-tempered bunch, and Kody treated Brandy like shite, but she stayed with him for three years. They had a lot of problems, and in the end it didn't work out because Kody is a dick and can't control his temper. But Brandy also said something else. She said that trying to get away from what causes you pain, isn't the answer, you need to face it head-on and deal with it. Running away never solved anything. I may never have Seth, but I can't just run away and never talk to him again, that's not going to help anything. Brandy was the only person at Kacy's last night that DIDN'T make fun of me for being on the phone, but she was also the only one that I did any explaining to. I think that if my sisters had known WHY I was on the phone all night, they would have been more understanding. My brothers-in-law, however, would still have teased me mercilessly. SOME OF US CAN HANDLE A LITTLE GOOD-NATURED TEASING!

I told my mom that I wanted to come home at 9:30 last night, and she asked how much I'd had to drink at that point, and I told her one fuzzy navel...and she asked me why I hadn't just come home? I was like "Er, because I had had ONE drink...and that's all it takes." So yeah. My sister Kandi was being an incredibly bitchy pregnant woman. Yelling at everyone for everything. She thinks she has to yell to get her point across apparently. It was just really annoying. My sisters together make a very bitchy combination. The fact that my sister Krystal and my brother Kody weren't there, didn't help situations. It was 4 out of the 6 of us, and Kacy was mad that the other two weren't there. I guess it was supposed to be a sibling thing? Don't know how I ended up there, The other three siblings came to drop off the nephew, and Kacy told me to get ready because she wasn't going to let me stay home by myself (except mom, kirk, and kayleb were all here?) on New Years.

I got sidetracked and don't remember what I was talking about. So I'm going to post some pictures, and be done with it.


My sister's cat "Mister" who looks like Garfield...he's adorable, he slept in my lap most of the night.

My sister's pit bull "Gizmo" she looks like my Jazzmean (I misssss her). I guess it makes sense since she is Jazzmean's puppy...

Gizzy again.

My brother Ky with Hooch.

A blurry picture of my soon-to-be-16 year old brother and his soon-to-be-20 year old girlfriend.

An un-blurry picture, that's sideways...

Kayleb, my month-old nephew.
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