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Another Brick In The Wall

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[21 Sep 2003|11:34am]
Make you take back the lies
And bring the truth to the surface
Clean my slate and erase
All the black you've tried to
Tarnish my name with
This is conviction
What I have inside you'll never possess
And because you never understood how I lived
You try to disrespect
Well, I paid my fucking dues
And everything I have in this life
I've made from nothing
I've done this all on my own
That's more than you can say for yourself

The harder you try and break me
The harder I push on

If there's one thing in this world that I must do
It will be, prove you wrong
Help build the wall.

Beautiful song. [18 Sep 2003|06:10am]
Lateralus
You are Lateralus. You are unique, intelligent, and
most importantly, an individual. You are
probably a leader and you see and do things
your own way, which is usually different from
the norm. We expect big things to come from
you.


What Tool song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Help build the wall.

[18 Sep 2003|01:44am]
First best friend: Melissa Walters or Bianca Gossage.
First real memory of something: Um... calling the police cos my babysitter wouldn't give me a popsicle and let me sit 2 inches away from the TV. Hahaha.
First date: I've never been on an actual date.
First real kiss: Not telling. ;x
First break-up: Josh Parsons dumped me in 7th grade cos I was prude. Haha. Fuck him. :]
First job: None.
First screen name: AHAHAHA. NO.
First self purchased album: No Doubt. I was a hip kid.
First funeral: Never been.
First pets: Polisa the Turtle who ran away. WHY DO ALL MY TURTLES RUN AWAY?! :[ Ew, gross. I totally was in love with the name 'Polisa'.
First piercing/tattoo: Ears.
First credit card: Uh... daddy's. Haha. ;x
First true love: I WISH. I mean... I haven't been fortunate enough to find one of those.
First enemy: Pretty much any bitch who messed with my crush.
First big trip: Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. :]
First play/musical/performance: Dance recital. ;[
First musician you remember hearing in your house: The Eagles or Bob Seger.

Last cigarette: Never.
Last kiss: Howie... which was way too long ago. :[
Last good cry: A couple days ago.
Last library book checked out: I purchase my books.
Last movie seen: Sixteen Candles.
Last beverage drank: Water.
Last food consumed: Ice cream.
Last crush: Howie.
Last phone call: From Brian.
Last tv show watched: Who cares.
Last time showered: Yesterday cos I'm a dirty bum.
Last shoes worn: Black Converse.
Last cd played: Tool.
Last item bought: Movie tickets.
Last annoyance: Almost everybody.
Last disappointment: Being fucking dumped. Haha. Fuck that shit, man.
Last soda drank: Cherry Coke.
Last time wanting to die: SATURDAY when I was walking home crying. I actually COULD HAVE died. Some old dude on a motorcycle parked on the other side of the street. I thought nothing of it cos I figured he lived there. So then he tells me to 'Come here'. I reluctantly take a few steps toward him after he tries to convince me he 'won't bite'. Haha. This was at 1:30 in the fucking morning, of course I was skeptical. I asked what he wanted and he mumbled a bit. He sounded really out of it, so I asked him if he was drunk. He's all 'Uhmahsjkadgfhs I woke up drunk.' and kept asking me to come towards him. I was like 'NO'... then he asked me if I wanted to RIDE with him on his motorcycle. Okay, first of all, the man is like 40 something years old, he's fucking creepy, and he admits to being drunk. Oh yeah, I really want to go for a ride with him... especially when I'm ALREADY in tears. Then I started to walk away and he yells 'I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A CAR'. At that point, I hoped I did too.
Last time scolded: Today. It never ends.
Last shirt worn: Teen Girl Squad. <3
Last website visited: eBay!
Last concert: Well... I just bought my ticket for Slayer and Hatebreed in November!%#@$ So fuck you. :]
1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

PARTY MAN!! [17 Sep 2003|01:55am]
As planned, Heather and I went to the movies tonight. It was great seeing her again after 2 months. :]
We saw Cabin Fever. Heather and I laughed a lot at the movie [especially at the cop who was amazing <3]... and at the kid behind us making fart noises during the sex scene.
I noticed Goo was in the same theater as us and threw Skittles at him. :D
After it was over, he came and talked to us about how stupid the movie was. The special effects were good, though. It seriously did look like their flesh was rotting/melting off.
Then Heather went to the bathroom and a girl complimented me while I was waiting for her. :]
On our way home, we decided to go to the cemetery. I am so glad Heather brought a flashlight.
We hopped the fence and ventured towards the back of the graveyard. When we were in the dark part of it, we started to hear this creaky screech. It sounded like a gate slowy opening or fingernails scraping. It really creeped us out and we were shining the flashlight everywhere to figure out where it came from.
It ended up being one of those retarded plastic windmills on someone's grave. :/
We continued walking around and I got freaked out cos I thought a saw a black figure hunched over. I don't really believe in ghosts, so I wasn't exactly scared... but more so startled and intrigued. I had Heather shine her flashlight over where I saw it, but didn't see anything. I think it was just a shadow. Haha.
It may sound lame, but it was quite entertaining. I need more adventure in my life.
Help build the wall.

[16 Sep 2003|02:00am]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | Radiohead | Karma Police ]

Midnight of Rain: you're wonderful. you don't need to feel bad cus some teenager said some of his friends 'said stuff' so now he's going to blow u off for other people's word and interpretation.

Those words offered me much relief.
People's perception of me has become very distorted, I think. I've heard too many inaccurate things recently that have, unfortuntely, influenced other's opinions.
What can I do when it's everyone's word against my own?
Nothing.
A surely losing battle - and I fought it anyway.
It's a shame they chose not to believe me, but to know that I tried [ regardless of the odds ] is satisfying enough for me.
You can talk me down all you want; my integrity will always remain.

"That is why we do not waver; indeed, though this outer human nature of ours may be falling into decay, at the same time our inner human nature is renewed day by day.
The temporary, light burden of our hardships is earning us forever an utterly incomparable, eternal weight of glory, since what we aim for is NOT visible but invisible. Visible things are transitory, but invisible things are eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Marking this day... I'm going to try to focus my attention on the invisible truths of the spiritual realm that are eternal, instead of the visible things of this physical world that will eventually pass away.

Tomorrow I finally get to see Heather again.
It will be a great day; simply because I will make it that way.

3 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[14 Sep 2003|04:01am]
[ music | Pink Floyd | Hey You ]

I'm single again...
I don't know why I'm so suprised.
I guess I just had too much faith in us.

2 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[11 Sep 2003|03:59am]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | Alice In Chains | Get Born Again ]

That past few days have moved at a rather fast pace, even though I have been awaiting this weekend for quite some time. I am finally getting off of my punishment.
Apparently, this kid named Kyle died yesterday. I couldn't help but take notice that everyone has been mentioning it.
Why is it that everybody exploits the death of others?
I'm sure 50-100 people are pretending that they were best friends with that kid... when in reality they have maybe exchanged words once or twice... if even that.

Example:
PINKslip x JAVA: That's what they all did with Mikey. I grew up with him and we lived down the street from eachother and went to the same daycare and people were all saying that they knew him forever. And I was just thinking in my head "no, you didn't"
exploited beauty: It's typical... It's sick.
PINKslip x JAVA: It's disrespectful to those who really were friends with him and his family.
exploited beauty: Seriously.
exploited beauty: Some people have no heart.
PINKslip x JAVA: They just want the attention mourning would get them.
exploited beauty: Exactly.

My condolences go out to that kid's family and his genuine friends.

Help build the wall.

Scattered seeds, buried lives. Mysteries of our disguise revolve... [06 Sep 2003|04:28am]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | Portishead | Sour Times ]

I was so tired Thursday from actually HAVING A LIFE that I didn't finish writing about my day.
After getting home my sister had soccer practice. Since my sister plays up, Casey is on her team. They both had complained to me about their coach and they wanted me to go to one of their practices and help out their team [since I've played soccer for 6 years; 3 of those years spent on a Class 1 team].
So, we get to the field - it's hot as hell - and I learn that their coach has them do exercises/activites that don't even PERTAIN to soccer so I'm thinking 'What the fuck?'. I asked the coach if I could suggest a warm-up that my old team would do before every game and she welcomed my input. So I took control and I taught them a new warm-up, had them take shots and worked with the goalies. :]
The girls seem to like me so I may just be the new [un]appointed coach since this one hasn't the slightest idea what she's doing.
My dad came and picked us up afterwards and took us home where I waited for my mom to come and get me to go to the beauty supply. I went and exchanged crap there, then went to the mall and bought new pants.
Today I slept in because 4 hours of sleep the previous night ain't SHIT.
I cleaned up my room a bit cos I still need to paint it, then I talked to Monica and gave her some advice. I also had a talk with my dad about my punishment, parties, alcohol, and books. Odd combination? Haha. Totally.
He gave me a book to start reading so I'm going to go do just that.

1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

Awkward encounter. [04 Sep 2003|01:05pm]
Holy crap.
I went to bed at 5 this morning and woke up at 9 for an Orthodontist appointment. >:[
After my appointment I went to Togo's and I saw
THIS BOY. )
I SAW SOMEONE FROM THE INTERNET!%&#
It totally weirded me out cos he talks to me sometimes and he has asked me to hang out with him before. Of course I didn't talk to him since I'm extremely timid when it comes to meeting new people...plus, I looked like CRAP. I think he looks better in person, but unfortunately it's the opposite with me. :/
He looked right at me but I don't think he recognized my face... which is good. Haha.
That was just strange. The chances of that happening were like, slim to none.
+
Then my dad and I went out to this field cos um... well, my dad wanted to go there for some reason. I forget why exactly. There was this Mexican dude living in a truck and I gave him my sandwich. He was all excited about it so I didn't mind giving up my lunch :]
My dad offered him a job to do yard work too. He was practically thrilled. Things like this remind me that I don't have it so bad. It definitely keeps me grounded.
Help build the wall.

My daily amusement. :] [04 Sep 2003|02:48am]
rough n ur bed: hey sexy ;)
exploited beauty: Um... hi.
rough n ur bed: lets see some boobies.
exploited beauty: Let's not.
rough n ur bed: lets do
exploited beauty: ...
rough n ur bed: ...
exploited beauty: Clearly, you're in desperate need of a life.
- His comeback -
rough n ur bed: i have a life.
rough n ur bed: i have sex with tons of girls and guys

HAHAHAHA.
1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

[02 Sep 2003|12:10am]
[ mood | unsure? ]
[ music | Led Zeppelin | Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You ]

I've had an interesting weekend for being stuck at home.
Yesterday AssQuack came over. We watched Freddy Krueger and made fun of it. :]
My dad got us a crapload of Burger King so we just pigged out.
Then today I sorta got in trouble for wandering off. :/ I'm not sure if my resriction has been extended, but I highly doubt it has.
Josh came home from the ARMY for the weekend and stopped by my house TOTALLY UNEXPECTED.
That was
s c a r y .
My mom thinks he's charming so she let me go for a drive with him.
He kept asking me to make-out with him.
He also felt inclined to show me his penis. Uck. ;[
sahjdgsadhsagfdhasgdhsfhsfdhsfdsagdyhcvahgcyqdq
Help build the wall.

[31 Aug 2003|04:31pm]
[ mood | irritated ]
[ music | Tool | Parabola ]

I hate it now when people ask how I am. I am so sure not ONE of them genuinely cares about whatever response I may give. People only ask you how you are so they can tell you about themselves.
I'm convinced.






Oh god, I've become such a cynic.

Help build the wall.

[29 Aug 2003|01:01am]
[ mood | dirty ]
[ music | The Doors {Love Her Madly} ]

Yikes. I'm tired earlier than usual.
I got my eyebrows waxed today. The lady was like 'Oh, you have great eyebrows'...and then she fucked them up. She made them too skinny. >:[
So now I look like one of those wannabe Mexican gangster bitches. I should totally start wearing giant hoop earrings, really dark lip liner, tight pants and over-sized sweatshirts. Haha.
I was more upset earlier, buuut then I complained for like, 5 minutes and got over it. I can just fix it with an eyebrow pencil until it grows back.
I've adopted the whole 'fuck it' attitude. It's working out good. Just shrug it off, man. Shrug it OFF!
I feel stronger, and I think I'm becoming more passive. No more wasting my time on petty nonsense. I've been letting too many things get to me.
On a completely different note, the other day I made quite a remarkable discovery.
When I was talking to my grandpa on the phone - it hit me. My grandpa sounds EXACTLY like Strong Bad.
I don't even know how I never noticed it before.
I told Charline that and we called my gramps 3-way styyyle so she could hear. :] She laughed so hard afterwards and she agrees my grandpa totally sounds like Strong Bad... and my grandma sounds like Lucy Ricardo.

Help build the wall.

Todd and I had a little talk... [28 Aug 2003|08:25am]
exploited beauty: All I got out of this conversation is that I'm a 'fucked up person' who doesn't care about my family or my boyfriend.
GrayLightlessSky: that is true

THAT IS SERIOUSLY THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE EVER HEARD



FUCK YOU ALL.
7 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[25 Aug 2003|07:02am]
True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.
Help build the wall.

[25 Aug 2003|05:04am]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | Tool | Forty-Six & 2 ]

I still haven't gone to sleep yet.
I took an I.Q. test tonight. Usually, I stay away from those because they just make me feel stupid; much like I distance myself from scales because they make me feel fat. Comprehend?
Predictably, I am not too pleased with my results. Typical for a perfectionist. Haha.
I don't want to post the number, but supposedly, I am classified under [120-140] 'Very Superior Intelligence'. Genius or near genius is considered 140+
Average is about 90-110
I feel motivated. I want books. Lots of them.

Other than that, Charline and I are gonna go camping. :] ...in her backyard! Cos I guess she has like 3 or 4 acres of land. I can't wait until I get off GROUNDATION. We're gonna make s'mores, maybe drink, tell ghost stories, AND EAT KFC!$@% :] Her neighbor has this giant moat and I suggested we go rafting in it. Hahaha. Oh man, will it be fun.

I've also been thinking a lot about Howie... and we aren't doing too well. As usual, I haven't heard from him in days.
Now, there could be a few explanations for this. I've been trying to narrow it down because it really vexes me.
Either:
A. He is mad at me for some unknown reason.
B. He's been extremely busy. SO BUSY that he couldn't possibly take 5 minutes out of his hectic schedule to pick up a fucking phone. >;[
C. He's found someone else... and I wouldn't put it past him. :[
D. He's being an asshole because he wants me to break-up with him so he doesn't have to do the dirty work.
Or E. Simply that I have been removed from his list of priorites.

It has to be one of those and they all fucking suck.
He could be mad at me - I mean, a lot of shit went down the past Saturday and last I heard, he was over at Anthony's drinking with Alex and Julie. Maybe Julie said something to him. Oh man... if she did... SAJKHSJKAGHDJF! And if he's going to take her word over mine or atleast without confronting me and asking... then this relationship is pointless. Which, unfortunately, it is beginning to be. :[

Well, this motherfucker has an orthodontist appointment to make today. I doubt I'll get much sleep and I haven't been wearing my goddamn retainers so they're going to give me shit. YAY. CAN'T WAIT. ;[

1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

[24 Aug 2003|11:17pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | Radiohead | Pyramid Song ]

I slept all day today. I just woke up at 10 when Raquel called me. :/
I had an awful nightmare... well, there were a series of them. Cos a couple people called and woke me up when I was sleeping... and each time, it would begin a new horrific adventure.
In one of them, my tongue fell out; as well as a few of my teeth. I tend to lose a lot of teeth in my dreams. It's actually become one of my greatest fears.
I remember trying to frantically place them back in my mouth and desperately struggling to convince myself it didn't happen; that I had just imagined it.
When I came to grips with my reality, I staggered into the bathroom to look into the mirror. I opened my mouth and saw that I had 2 sets of teeth; each additional row behind another. I also had 3 tongues [including the one that had fallen out]. The extra 2 were each on a different side, but the tongue that had detatched itself belonged in the center... which, I assume, was my main tongue [because it was also a little bigger]. These tongues must have had a life of their own because when I noticed them, they flapped... much like that of a snake. I was terrified, but all I could think of was how I planned to restore my severed tongue and broken teeth.
I went to find my mom to tell her I needed a doctor or some sort of oral specialist. When I located her, she was talking to somebody else in the room. I tried to capture her attention, but found it difficult to articulate. With each attempt to gain her attention, I went unnoticed... so, I gave up.
I left the room and went to lay down on my bed. Wide-eyed and completely still, I repeated to myself: 'This isn't happening. This isn't happening.'
I was woken up after that, but I actually thought it was real. I had to run my tongue across my teeth just to make sure. I was freaked the fuck out, but at the same time, incredibly relieved.

I jumped in the river and what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A moon full of stars and astral cars
All the things I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt
1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

[18 Aug 2003|08:08am]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | Nirvana | Sappy ]

I woke up at 4 this morning and haven't been able to fall back asleep. By then I had finally shaken off my hangover... atleast the nauseous feeling, that is. I can hardly stomach the thought of food, but have been eating periodically [against my will].
Saturday night was a fucking disaster.
-
But to begin with, I saw Charline for the first time in MONTHS. She hugged me REALLY hard and gave me candy. :]
That was the ONLY good thing about that night.
-
Ashley picked me up around 1. I only had until 3. Anthony was having a party, so we went over there. Since my time was very limited, I started downing beers and socializing. There was this dude that was like, hitting on me and Ashley and asking us to come out on his boat with him sometime. Haha. I think I even took his wallet and made him chase me. I'm such a shit.
Everything was going fine until a fight began. Jason and this black dude were in eachother's faces. Jason was calling him a nigger. I thought he was going to flip out. I was worried. The fight was broken up before it was taken any further. I think that must have ruined the mood.
I walked outside for a while and started talking to Johnny. That kid is totally cute and nice. We told eachother secrets and talked about relationships. I gave him some insight and he completely understood. Best conversation I had all night.
I sat down with Banks for a while and had a few shots of Vodka with him. Then some dude offered me REDRUM so I hit it. That shit is good. And with that, I was drunk as fuck. I TOPPED LAST TIME.
So, Saturday night I was the most wasted I have E V E R been.
Anthony and I were suppose to have had a talk last time he had a party, but we never got around to it. So, we took a walk around the block to ventilate and converse.
[[Here is where my memory gets fuzzy]]
Him and I are walking - well, I'm walking... he's stumbling. I have my arm around his waist to guide him along the sidewalk and keep him from toppling over. He was VERY drunk and high. I don't remember a single word that we shared. I have no recollection of our conversation what-so-ever.
I'm thinking we must have been gone for a while because Ashley and Julie went looking for us and when they rolled up... all hell broke loose.
Julie starts in on me and calls me a fucking WHORE and continues to accuse me of cheating on my boyfriend.
I was just being a fucking friend and helping him out - no matter how it seemed or what she percieved it to be.
Now, when I'm drunk, everything is extreme - It's either the highest of highs or the lowest of lows.
When Julie called me a whore, I was just like 'Whoa.' It hit hard and it made me feel like complete SHIT.
I just turned my back to her and walked away. Anthony left with them. I just walked the streets and cried. I went back a while later to see what was going on. As soon as I turn the corner, I see Anthony and Julie in the middle of the street screaming at eachother with people around them. I just watched. Anthony was totally defending me. I remember being surprised Anthony could bark like he did. I think people had to eventually get inbetween them, they were HEATED.
I walked up to Julie and was trying to get her to calm down so I could explain and she THREATENED me. She made a hostile remark, so I just let off of her. Not because I felt intimidated; I'm entirely capable of fighting, but fighting is a weak solution... and it was very weak of Julie to say that.
I walked off and left them to their business, then Jackleen comes stumbling towards me saying 'How could you cheat on Howie?!'. She was totally fucking gone. She kept falling and I found myself continuosly helping her up. She proceeded to say 'I love Howie! You have no idea how much I liked him and you got him. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HIM?'
Clearly, this situation spiraled out of control. She was crying. I was crying. It was a mess.
Then I saw Ashley - devoid of any emotion. I was taken back by her lack of when we were practically encompassed with chaos. I approached her and inquired her take on the situation. I'm not sure if her and Anthony are still involved, but the last thing I wanted was Ashley mad at me. She didn't want to get involved so she didn't say much.
I had to get away. This was way too much for me to handle when I was so intoxicated. So, again, I walked off.
I was walking down Cypress when a man stopped and asked me if I needed a ride. He must have been in his 30's or perhaps 40's. I declined and he tried to persuade me... by offering me weed. He was like 'Come on, we can smoke a bowl.' He was very persistent and this scared me. I am willing to bet, had I gotten in that truck with him, something bad would have happened. I dismissed him and started crying immediately after he was out of sight. I was really paranoid.
I needed a ride, so I called Yukka. He had left the party not too long before. He picked me up shortly after. Monica and Turtle were with him. We went to his house and I don't remember much after that. I was hysteric, though. Turtle took me aside and tried to console me.
I felt really sick afterwards. I was puking in the sink and my stomach hurt. Turtle was holding back my hair while I did.
And... here is where I'm confused... I was laying on Yukka's bed in pain and Turtle was rubbing my tummy. O_O
I'm guessing he just felt bad for me and was being a friend. It honestly helped me feel better and I ended up falling asleep. I woke up around 11 freaked out. I was supposed to be home at 3! Yukka drove me home and... oh boy, am I in trouble. My parents had called the cops and reported me as missing. They had also called a good amount of my friends wanting to know where I was. I had to tell them what happened... there was no excuse I could possibly make up for being gone an extra 8 hours. Plus, my sister's birthday was on Saturday and we were supposed to go somewhere Sunday morning - I ruined that. I had a hangover from the fucking burning depths of hell and I'm grounded for a month.

4 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[17 Aug 2003|09:36pm]
I am hungover like a MOTHERFUCKER.
I didn't even sober up until like 5 p.m.
I can't even look at food right now. My head aches. My stomach is uneasy. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
I feel like shit!
Help build the wall.

[15 Aug 2003|09:05am]
[ mood | achey ]
[ music | Joy Division | Love Will Tear Us Apart ]

Life hasn't exactly been eventful the past week. Although, Howie and I nearly broke up on Wednesday. It was horrible. :[
I was upset because I hadn't recieved a phone call in days, let alone seen him in 3 weeks. I was actually considering breaking up with him because I wasn't recieving as much attention as I had hoped. I felt lonely and forgotten a lot of the time... like he didn't even care. The relationship just wasn't going the way I wanted it to. I didn't even feel as close to him as I probably should for being together a month.
Turns out the reason he hadn't called was because he was still mad at me about the whole Yukka thing. It was really confusing because it wasn't even a big deal and when I told him, he had convinced me he was over it... which I guess was just a facade he put on to appease me. He told me he tends to get jealous, but I didn't think that easily. :/
I asked him if he wanted to still be with me... then he said 'I don't know'. So, I asked him if he was interested in anyone else and he goes 'Well... I was'.
!&@!%$*(!*^%@#&%*!@#&(!#$!#&^!#*
I was deeply hurt to hear this. I wasn't expecting that at all. :[
I almost ended it right there, but he convinced me he wanted to make it work with me and start all over again. Of course, I said yes cos I'm a sucker like that. So, him and I are doing everything all over and starting new. He even re-asked me to be his girlfriend.
I feel better about things this time. Before we started dating we were almost always drunk around eachother and things got confusing. I felt like our timing was off too. I'm sure this probably sounds vague. Fuck it. Him and I are doing good and I hope it stays that way. The end.

1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

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