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[24 Jan 2004|03:54pm] Well kids, I believe this is the end of my Blurty days. I don't know who reads this shit anymore, but I'm moving back to Live Journal . Who knows... I may use this again, but it's unlikely. If you have an LJ and wish to be added, comment here. 4 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[18 Jan 2004|09:48pm] [ mood | Overwhelmed with bullshit. ] [ music | Nine Inch Nails | Somewhat Damaged ] So... this is the first time in a long while I've felt the need to write. No good came from tonight, to say the least. All day I had this weird feeling in my bones; a sense that things just might take a strange turn. This feeling didn't lie. The situation was sparked by something... ridiculous. Basically, I think my girlfriend did something totally unnecessary, and although it wasn't that big of a deal... I REALLY wanted to know what moved her to do so because... it was just so completely POINTLESS. Making an effort to understand [and I still don't], she tells me I'm overreacting. Firstly, I believe I was speaking in a somewhat civil tone and being very reasonable. Secondly, who is she or ANYONE for that matter, to tell me how I should feel? I mean, her behavior caused and made me feel something I didn't like. I made this apparent and now I'm overreacting? I don't get it. This made me ask myself 'SHOULD I not be bothered by this?' [as I often do]. When dealing with feelings, I believe there are no 'should's. You feel what you fucking feel. MY POINT BEING... there is no certain way to react to something. [END RANT.] I have no idea if that would make sense to someone on the outside. Emotions are storming. Please tell me I'm not delusional? I care about Charline more than she knows. I know tonight was a rough night for her - even with this petty bullshit aside. I'm not exactly sure what's going on with her... but I don't know how much longer I can bang my heart against her wall. Help build the wall.

[07 Jan 2004|10:05pm] MENSTRUAL CRAMPS MAKE ME WANT TO DIE. 1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

Fame for a day. [24 Dec 2003|02:17pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Poison The Well | Torn ] This morning when I went to log in to Face The Jury, I noticed I was receiving more messages than usual. This puzzled me and caused me to think: 'HMM. I must be looking particularly delectable today!' [Ahaha. Okay, not.] I just went with it. As I was handling messages, someone informed me that I was today's 'Featured Girl' and that I had made front page status. This suprised me GREATLY. Out of the THOUSANDS of girls - they chose me. Strange. I must have gotten about 50 messages within a few hours and 84 people had 'matched' me. My screen was FLOODED... and as much as I appreciated the attention and kind words, I also wished I had never joined to begin with. Haha. This was completely OVERWHELMING... especially on Christmas Eve, but amusing none-the-less. 2 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[19 Dec 2003|02:54am] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | Smashing Pumpkins | Stand Inside Your Love ] A couple nights ago I had a completely heartbreaking dream. My mother had found a hummingbird in our backyard on the ground - it's wings were broken. She brought it over to me and I held it. I placed my finger over it's chest to feel it's heartbeat... it was still alive, but there was hardly any movement. The strange part was, when my hand was over it's heart, it was beating in my chest too... like an echo. Our heartbeats were combined. Then my mom went about her business while I begged her to call a vet, but she ignored me... so I just kept listening for it's heartbeat... and it kept beating more and more faintly. I started yelling at her in desperation to summon help, but she still disregarded my pleads. [Clearly, I have issues with receiving attention from my mother]... I woke up before I could save the hummingbird, and I felt really guilty throughout the rest of the day. How does it end? 1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

[17 Dec 2003|04:49am] Yesterday had to be one of the most uncomfortable/interesting days of my life. I don't think I've ever been so self-conscious that I've actually curled up into a ball. I don't believe I've ever recieved kisses at more random moments. I've never laughed at more inappropriate things. I haven't acted this childish in years... I just go retarded. I love how awkward the beginning of relationships are. Haha. Help build the wall.

[03 Dec 2003|06:44pm] ♥ ... I'm taken. 2 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[01 Dec 2003|05:27am] You are: Street Spirit. This text box will not communicate the thoughts and strains you are under. What Radiohead Song Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Help build the wall.

[28 Nov 2003|01:25am] [ mood | Everything at once. ] [ music | Tool | H ] I would've written about my fairly typical Thanksgiving if something more interesting hadn't have just happened. I had just laid down on the couch and began to watch a tedious movie, when 5 minutes into the movie I recieved an unexpected phone call. 'Hello?' 'Hey Courtney' -I didn't recognize the voice- 'Uh, who is this?' 'Oh, it's Howie.' ...and I felt my heart stop and sink into the pit of my stomach. My immediate reaction: 'WHY are you calling me?!' I never thought I would speak to him again. He was fucking wasted. He told me 'I've been wanting to call you, but I never knew what to say. It took getting drunk to be able to pick up the phone.' And I'm thinking: I've never been more confused. I probably should have hung up, but the point is I didn't. We talked about everything - about Monica, about how Heather's 'secret' got around, about all those fucking rumours and most importantly, about all the mistakes we made that we never bothered to acknowledge. We both agreed we've never learned more from another relationship. It was the most awkward conversation, yet... unusually welcomed. He even told me he cares about me. I don't know what to think of this. 4 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

Long awaited entry [22 Nov 2003|01:23pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Pink Floyd | One Of These Days ] As you may or may not have noticed, I recently took a 'break' from the internet... which was needed. This past week has been amazing. I got a new cell [a picture phone]. It's badass. I also met a boy, sort of. He's the manager for the Cingular Wireless department in Antioch. He actually asked for my number... a rarity for me. His name is Jeremy, he's cute, has a job AND CAN LEGALLY PURCHASE ALCOHOL. Haha. In addition to that, Clair spent the night with me this week. <3 The past month I had been heavily considering experimenting with hallucinogens, and on Thursday Clair and I did shrooms. It was absolutely surreal. The feeling was simply euphoria in it's entirety... although, I did endure a few disturbing images. I also appreciate nature so much more now. I strongly recommend eating some magic mushrooms and taking a walk in the park. Not only that, but I also feel that if someone is going to experiment with these things, they really need to educate themselves about them. People just ingesting these substances and diving in without any preparation about what they'll be experiencing provide them no frame of reference, so they're missing out on all these new perspectives. It's just a waste. Some may reach a little bit of spiritual enlightment and end up going 'Well, now I need the drug to get back there again.' The trick is to use the drug [in moderation] to get there, and maybe spend the next few years trying to get back there without it. Evidently, for me, this was never about just getting 'fucked up' or what have you. I had a much more serious approach to this idea. The only reason psychedelics ever interested me is because they are said to be powerful therapeutic aids - and I'm on this sort of spiritual quest. It's about personal growth and exploring yourself in new ways. 2 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[09 Nov 2003|04:44am] [ music | The Pixies | Where Is My Mind? ] Lately, I've been lacking the motivation to write... okay, maybe even avoiding it... but right now... I feel like my very insides will weaken and collapse if I don't. It's impossible to pick up from where I left off. I have since taken a very spiritual path. I've been feeling very tainted lately, so I've been doing some self-cleansing. Withdrawing myself. Humbling myself. Dissolving negative energy [which there has been seemingly boundless amounts of]. Considering things I never thought I would. 1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

[03 Nov 2003|02:17am] [ mood | amused ] [ music | A Perfect Circle | Pet ] Needless to say, I partied like a fucking rock star on Halloween. Clair came over and the limo driver picked us up around 9. The limo was beautiful. Haha. A nice black stretch limo, 9 passenger, complete with 2 televisions, a cd player, sodas, waters, wine glasses, and of course APPLE CIDER. How can you go wrong?! First we went to go pick up Kenny who was at Derrek's. He brought Dos Equis, Corona, Mike's Hard Lemonade [yum!] and my dad gave Clair and I vodka 'water' so we were set. Ahaha. Next, we were to pick up Kim and Joaleen who were walking somewhere down Cypress so we had to scavenge the fucking streets for them. Haha. We hadn't heard of any parties yet so we just cruised and drank inconspicuously. After making a few phone calls, we got word that there was a costume party going down at 123Kid's house so we headed over there. I must say, we made for quite a spectacle and I think we confused a lot of people... I know I'd be a bit perplexed if a black stretch limo rolled up to one of my parties, but that was the whole point; to throw people off. Haha. We didn't even go into the party. We just recruited people into the limo and took off. Then we busted out the Apple Cider and drank that shit xXxHardxCorexXx... you know how we do. Before long, everyone except me had to take a piss, so we stopped at Ian's house where the 'Bathroom Chronicles' took place. Haha. Soon after, we all went to 7 Eleven for slurpees... [I then had to pee, so I did my thang]. Ian bought mine for me, then we headed to another party. Although, I don't know where... clearly, I was already drunk by then. Okay, so... we pull up to this party. We get out, and instantaneously people surround us. There was one particular individual that caught my eye. I was mildly disturbed by his attire, so I immediately ask 'What the fuck are you supposed to be? What's with the mullet wig?' and he was all 'I AM MULLETRON'. SURELY, THIS STARTLED ME. I slowly backed away. He then began to ask if it was my limo I was standing in front of and I replied 'Uh...yeah?'. Then his skinhead friend walked up with his other white trash friends and tried to invite themselves along. So I was like 'Okay... no.' and everyone who came with me got back in the limo to go to a different party. As we were driving off, they threw a cup at the limo cos they were all butt-hurt. The limo stopped, and our chauffeur [who, by the way, was an old, decrepit man] gets out to confront them. Ian got out to see what was going on and tells them to back the fuck off and Mulletron PUSHED him. They continued to push eachother and the limo driver got in between them... and then fucking Mulletron pushed the poor old man! I was so frightened. This guy was BUILT. I certainly thought this would be the end of our night. Suddenly, I see this blue flickering flight and Mulletron falls to his fucking knees. I was so AMAZED. OUR LIMO DRIVER TASERED MULLETRON. Ahahahaha. Funniest fucking thing ever. 4 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

By request... [24 Oct 2003|04:27pm] What I Love About Clair: She helps restore the hope I lose so often. How she advocates and supports me like a crutch. Her anomalous combination of witty and blunt that makes for a hilarious, inimitable personality. How good times are always guaranteed when she's around. Her constant use of sexual innuendos. How easily she can make me blush. How we walk to Burger King at the ass crack of dawn [still drunk]. Haha. How we're going to party it UP like rock stars on Halloween!%#$%! [...even if it is in a Taxi Cab] [Clair's list.] 2 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[22 Oct 2003|06:02am] [ mood | loved ] [ music | A Perfect Circle | The Package ] exploited beauty: Oh, you want me to rub your ego? ashisonthedeck: Yeah a little. I present to you... What I Love About Ashley: She is one of the most gentle souls I have ever encountered. Her maternal disposition. Her compassion. Her perpetual interest in my well-being. Her ability to make my heart melt. The generous quantity of kind words she has to offer. The immense amount of faith she invests in me. How she can make me smile on the worst of days. How she doesn’t hesitate to be honest. How I can trust her with nearly anything. How she manages to maintain a clear perspective, even when mine becomes tainted. ♥ Ashley, I adore you. [You can view the 'What Ashley Loves About Courtney' list by going here.] 2 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

Screaming feed me, fill me up again. Temporarily pacify this hungering. [12 Oct 2003|02:58am] [ music | A Perfect Circle | The Hollow ] I went to Heather's for dinner tonight. She had been wanting to cook for me. Although I hadn't eaten all day, I didn't have much of an appetite... oddly enough. I ate what I could and then we left to go look for a party. We saw Kim and Joaleen walking and they just happened to be headed to one, so we followed them. Upon arrival, I realized everyone was squeezed into a compact [pseudo]backyard... Those of you that know me well [the very few of you], also know that I am hardly comfortable with social settings to begin with. This simply was overwhelming. I ventured into the crowd maybe once; weaving around bodies, looking for familiar faces. Half way through, I turned around and stood by the gate. I greatly dislike the sense of asphyxia crowds induce on me. I unintentionally ignored a few people in this process because I was so fixated on the nearly paralyzing feeling. Heather soon joined me, along with Kenny and a few others. By then, I was ready for a beer. It's difficult for me to relax and socialize at a party without the assistance of an alcoholic beverage. After Kenny gave me his beer and we began to talk, I felt more at ease. Then this guy tried to impress me by hitting on me in a different language... Arabic, I believe it was. That was interesting. He was nice, though. Shortly after, they busted out the beer bong. Always entertaining to watch. Alex went to hit it and the person holding the funnel accidentally splashed it all in his face. Kenny found this INSANELY funny and would not shut the fuck up. Hahaha. As I continued to converse with random people, some guy commented that I looked Hawaiian [because of the flower in my hair]. Kenny thought the dude was talking to him... then after realizing he wasn't, wanted to wear my flower. Haha. I adore that boy. Then Heather saw a cop pass by, so she wanted to leave. We went to Jack in the Box and got food, then went to visit Todd. Once again, he was the bearer of unfavorable news. I love how as soon as I start to show interest in another guy, I find out one of my friends has already fucked him. DISGUSTING. I am totally repulsed by people's behavior. After watching part of a Slayer DVD, we went over to Anthony's since he told us to stop by. We learned a fight had broken out after we left the party. Anthony got clocked in the head and went unconscious. Dimitri was livid and looked like he was preparing for battle. Haha. Him and Brian were ready to go find this dude and fuck him up. Heather and I had to take off since it was almost 2 and we had to get home. Dimitri made a smart-ass comment and said 'Oh, you're great friends.' Heather was like 'Are you fucking kidding?' Hahaha. Which was exactly what I was thinking, but I found it amusing he had the audacity to even say that. Help build the wall.

[10 Oct 2003|06:13am] Just before I began to write yet another angsty journal entry... I recieved a message from an old friend on Face The Jury: "i miss the days when we talk to each other. i hope you are doing ok. always beautiful on the outside and in. muah. stay sweet ! i would have thought that maybe i would get taken off your favs but you have faith grasshopper. :-) smile for me" ...And suddenly there was good in the world again. 2 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[05 Oct 2003|03:14am] [ music | Tool | Jimmy ] I'm not even sure if I can compose something coherent right now. I saw Todd for the first time in months tonight. I am honestly delighted him and I finally made amends. He picked me up at 11. We drove to Antioch and walked around a park; just talking and catching up. Overall, conversation was good... although, he told me about something a certain 2 individuals did that didn't exactly please me. Honestly, can I not fucking trust ANYONE? Once a friend. Now an object of my disgust. We stopped by Justin & Ian's after. I was contemplating on staying over there. I went in to mingle for a few minutes and see if I could get a ride home. Chris said he would... but was probably more inebriated than he admitted. Todd disapproved, so I didn't. On my way out, I went to apologize to a guy whom I had punched in the dome a couple weekends ago. Although I think he earned it, I believe I shouldn't have done so. I'm not a violent person by any means, and therefore portrayed myself inaccurately. I explained this to him... and he seemed unaffected. I asked 'Do you accept?' His reply? 'No.' That's fine if he wants to be bitter. I did what I felt was appropriate. I must say, I am VERY disappointed in people right now. Thank you to those of you who haven't fucked me over. 6 Bricks. | | | Help build the wall.

[02 Oct 2003|08:17am] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Deftones with Maynard | Passenger ] I just woke up. Yesterday was the most [physically] painful day I have ever endured. I had the most HORRENDOUS hang-over. I was vomiting until 8 or 9 o'clock in the fucking evening. I puked SO MUCH that I had nothing left to puke and ended up dry-heaving. I seriously puked so hard I broke out into a fucking sweat. I was trembling and could hardly walk. I had to get up my stairs by crawling. Pathetic. I felt like I was a baby all over again. I don't even remember how much I drank, but I had a shitload of Vodka. The night started off with me and Casey meandering the streets of Oakley. We walked down to the corner store and on our way in a slovenly dressed black man stuck his head in our faces and said 'Hellogfs you fine youngsh ladieshjk, how are you doingsfh tonightz?'... or something like that since he couldn't pronounce his words correctly, due to his lack of teeth. This didn't startle me, I simply laughed once we had gotten in the store. Especially at the man's shirt, which I secretly coveted. It was a bit tattered but it had the words 'God's Got My Back!' in big, bold, black letters on the back of the shirt. When we were walking back from the store, we figured we'd take a stroll in California Dawn and see what was going on over there. Casey wanted to go see Johnny and I was all for it. We waited about 10 minutes for him to get home, and when he returned we decided we were going to drink. We walked down to the park and started taking shots around 9 or 10... we even got Casey to, haha. After we ran out of chaser, these little 8 or 9 year old boys walked by with sodas and Johnny started yelling at them and asking them to get him a soda. Haha. He knew one of their names and that scared them. So they fucking ran back to their house and got a flashlight. They kept shining it on us and asking 'Who are you?!'. Johnny replied with 'YO DADDY!#%' and started chasing them. Haha. Sooo funny. They screamed like little girls. Plus, Johnny had these neat sunglasses on that made him look like ( Winston ) the cop from Cabin Fever. When I pointed it out he started doing impressions. Hahaha. I almost died laughing. Since Jason lives right by the park we were at and I hadn't seen him in a long time, I decided to stop by. His dad let me in and I talked with his mom for a few minutes... I think I pulled off being sober quite well. Johnny was outside asking her 'Hey! Can I have something to drink?!' and I apologized on his behalf for being rude. Haha. I guess Jason was over at Amber's house... I don't think his mom likes her much. ;x Hahaha. She didn't seem too pleased. I found this amusing. It was a pleasant conversation and she said I looked nice. :] I'm suprised she even remembered me. Then I had to walk Casey home, but Johnny and I decided to continue as a 2 man party after I got back. When I had returned, he had brought some Kool-Aid so we started drinking again. We just drank, talked about bands and past relationships. Then suddenly, we see Jason walking down the street. We called him over and got him to drink with us. I really don't remember anything past that except going back to his house to get a blanket... where his mom saw me stumbling... I blew my cover! Haha. Shit. Then we just went back, sat on the bench and talked a while longer. I was soooooo fucking WASTED. Then Johnny left... I have no idea when... but Jason and I went back to my house around 2 and he left at 3. I honestly feel horrible he had to see me like that. Haha. Never did I think these words would cross my lips but... I think I'm going to take a break from drinking. That hang-over was unbearable. I never want to feel like that again. 1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

My eyes have seen you... free from disguise. Gazing on a city under television skies. [25 Sep 2003|08:50am] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | The Doors | My Eyes Have Seen You ] Lately life has been tedious. I'm grounded again... sort of. Broke my curfew, as usual. I had no ride since everyone was drunk. Blah! :/ I desperately need to work on being punctual. It's difficult to kick the habit after years of barely making it to school on time and what not. It's been a problem for my whole family. Perhaps the reason my parents have been so lenient thus far? Now they're actually starting to enforce my punishments rather than just threatening me with them. Respectable. I'm supposed to be grounded this weekend... but I think I'll just kiss ass until then and see what happens. I've been having many re-occuring dreams lately. Something won't let go of me. People I've tried to forget about have been re-appearing in my subconscious... and it isn't making the healing process easy. I think I'm obsessive. I seriously need to meet some new people. Most of my past friendships have been utterly disappointing. I'm losing faith in people. I dread sinking back into deep depression and becoming completely reclusive all over again. Oh, what I wouldn't give for someone to soothe my lonliness. :[ Feelings of a past romantic interest are re-surfacing. Maybe this time I'll try harder to pursue him? Until then... I suppose one of ( these ) will suffice. I want the green one. Who wants to buy it for me? :[ 1 Brick. | | | Help build the wall.

[21 Sep 2003|12:58pm] DanielCreston: you got soul! DanielCreston: you can hella get down DanielCreston: do you dance a lot? HAHAHAHA. I totally got down to Jungle Boogie last night. :] Help build the wall.

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