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it's all rubbish

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What's the point of living if you have to fight to survive? [20 Sep 2003|10:53pm]
[ mood | ugh ]
[ music | viva las vegas - dead kennedys ]

How do you repay fatherly love? How do you deal with realizing how awful you were as a child? Sure, children can't exactly help what they do. They don't understand how what they do affects others. At least this one never could. I never saw the harm in what I did and I like to blame it on not knowing the situation. I like to think that if my parents had just told me some things... I would've been better.

The worst part is not remembering. I remember barely anything from the past year, let alone my childhood. I've started to worry that I've subconsciously trained myself to do this, to eventually block out memories ... and that it's spread to every spectrum of my mind.

I'm careless and lazy. I can't bring myself to care about most people, about the human race, about my future career, about how I can have a negative affect on others.

I hate emotion and feeling and human conciousness and ambition because they make me feel the kind of pain that breathes next to your heart and fills your stomach with hollowness.

It's a terrible thing to have to wake up every morning knowing that you're disappointed in Everything.

I have so much to say, but it wouldn't make sense to cram it all into one entry.

5 in the pool of tears

The media has failed. [19 Aug 2003|02:43pm]
So I was at MSN's homepage and there was a story advertized about a UN bombing in Baghdad. I clicked on it to read and I get "Access Denied." So I'm thinking "whatever, I'll come back later when they aren't having server problems" (now that I think of it, why didn't I just go to CNN.com or BBCi.com or something else?). I go back a couple minutes ago, and the story isn't even there anymore. How bizarre is that? MSN changes their heading stories only once a day, I'm sure. And even if it was just a story change, you can still access them. Right?

Well, it all seems supicious to me - and I'm really not the overly paranoid type. I have my opinions. And one of them happens to be that media is the most effective tool the government has of brainwashing. (Do I sound crazy yet?)

Anyway, went to CNN .. and it's not a top story - though the main story is about a suicide bomber in Jerusalem. The only place that has the story (not surprisingly) is BBC. See the story if you're interested.

Screen Cap of MSN )
2 in the pool of tears

[18 Aug 2003|01:50am]
[ mood | helpless ]

Oh the feeling of knowing that no matter who you're with, no matter how splendid that person is, no matter how much of a fantasy they create for you, that your heart belongs to another instead.

exit: "it makes you wonder what kind of person would be suitable for the rest of your life"

5 in the pool of tears

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