| continuous spontaneous insanity | ||||
| 11:27am 21/10/2006 | ||||
monday: got home around 2 am. thursday: got home around 3:30 am. friday: got home around 4:45 am. leo, i'm bringing back your question to you. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?! talk about going out doing all sorts of drinking sprees, driving and racing on a school night during finals period. thursday we stayed in jorb's condo in greenhills. around 2:30 am we left for eastwood to pick up jv's and leo's cars from the parking lot. so leo and i convoyed/raced from eastwood to commonwealth running at speeds of 70-120 kph. pure fun!!! last night was crazy fun! it started with carmi and fab's birthday dinner at dencio's in capitol hills. i was so (naturally) high --> NH2. we later went to karl's place. i had too much to drink that i wasn't in the condition to drive. but then again i got home after being sober a few hours later still knowing that i got alcohol in my system. from karl's place, we drove to back to up to get surf (leo's pick up). leo gave me the wheel of my car and we convoyed/raced in commonwealth ave. yet again. |
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high| exams, alcohol and bittersweet memories... | ||||
| 11:35pm 18/10/2006 | ||||
got up around 10 am tuesday with a bit of a hangover. my stomach's aching but i didn't had the urge to throw up. went to get a massage to relieve the body pains i have been having and hopefully the chest pains but as i realized, i needed to see my doctor regarding those heart pains. well law does entail one to be really stressed out. wednesday, leo picked me up and met fabs and dianne at the up law parking lot. went to berkley square and got a ourselves each a can of red horse (except for dianne), a bottle of water and some chips. we actually planned to drink minutes before the exam. after the exams fabs, jorbs, leo, karl, jv, patch, fred and i went to dencio's capitol hills to get some early dinner. graps, jj and jay arrived a few minutes later and joined us. after we decided to go to cloud 9 in antipolo which i really had no idea what and where that is until we got there. memories came crashing in despite the laughter. my happy facade hiding the pains and hurts of my bittersweet past. the first and last valentine's date was in cloud 9, the very same place that i initially didn't know where. while on my 2nd round of beer, house singers came to sing to the lyrics: leo kept telling me not to think of him as i stare at the lights of manila: heart shattered, happy facade, mind in a whirl, eyes fighting the urge of tears and my body a bit tipsy as fabs refilled my glass for a 3rd round. |
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confused| coffee, codals, fireworks, fast cars and oral examination | ||||
| 09:42pm 14/10/2006 | ||||
2 1/2 exams down, 3 1/2 more to go! thursday: leo texted me asking my game plan for the day. just woke up from the day before's insane movie watching (when we're supposed to be studying! talk about responsible LAW students days before the finals!). thought of going to eastwood to keep myself from sleeping on my readings, leo suggested starbucks near corinthian hills instead. arrived a few minutes before twelve, got myself my usual caffe latte and noticed the friendly barista, vic. sat on a table waiting for leo and trying to "memorize" the family code provisions. leo arrived around 30-45 minutes later, got himself a frap and resumed our memory work mindful of the house music until they played this familiar song which i know i've heard before. we made it a point to ask what album they're playing. went to mcdonald's in the fort (one of our insane ideas again! just looking for some "long" drives to ease the stress off.) to have lunch and resume studying. but instead of studying we ended up looking at cars, talk about school, undergrad and other things. the day was really crazy. we even came up with this idea to go to rockwell, but proved it was too late since we've stayed there till past 5. we went back to starbucks and did some q & a. got home around past 7 and decided that i might do an all-nighter, taking some "maximum strength" red bull but to no avail, pms proved to be stronger making me sleepy in an hour. friday: decided to meet up with leo and the others at around 9pm, with leo picking me up at home. but instead we got at starbucks around 3pm and met up with kathy and jorbs. as we wait for the others we continued on with our memory work, abusing our brain cells and thinking that fish oil might really be effective for memory enhancement. we forgot to ask the song we heard the day before so when it played again, we walked over to the counter to ask for the title and artist of the song (riders on the storm by the doors). kathy and jorbs were a bit disappointed not to see vic, the friendly barista. kathy, leo and i went to jollibee in green meadows to get some dinner while jorbs contended herself with her 2 heapings of salad and waited for karl at starbucks. we came back and again resumed with the memorization, reading, understanding of the family code, doing every now and then some q & a exercises. jackie and later on, jv and din arrived. in the middle of the chaotic activity kathy, leo and i stepped out to get away from the cold interiors and later on heard some booms of fireworks. ran towards the gates of corinthian hills and from there the 3 of us enjoyed the spectacle. it's just one of those moments that makes you feel like a child again. left around 11pm, decided to call each other up around 4am to get some more studying done before the oral exams. leo drove me home. saturday: kathy called me up at 4am but alarmed my phone around 5. forced myself out of bed to do some studying until i dozed off again. decided not to fight the urge of sleepiness, i took the liberty of sleeping for 30 minutes, woke up again and later on dozed off (yet again) for 15 minutes until i felt guilty for sleeping too much. got to school around a few minutes before 10, feeling agitated of the oral exams. saw people outside the room doing their own last minute reading. my oral exams went ok, was glad was able to answer the 2nd question correctly. after the exams, we all went to xocolat in katipunan to grab some lunch and post-exam talks. as usual, leo and i decided to cut class again and headed of to eastwood. the initial plan was shangri-la plaza but due to a flat tire and traffic we ended up in eastwood instead. headache was getting worst, cramps are starting to set in. i wasn't in much condition to drive that i hit our gate while putting the car inside the garage. well good thing a little rubbing compound and the scratches will all be gone. whew! |
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tired| a case of insanity... | ||||
| 10:20pm 11/10/2006 | ||||
then today, we came up with this idea of instead of memorizing, we go catch a movie. he jokingly suggested first day high but i've always wanted to see doa. when we got to gateway, we decided to see talladega nights since doa was only available until 5pm. since the movie will not start until 7pm, we went to the supermarket to get some redbull for the all-nighter memory work for the next 2 days. we went around araneta center entering one mall to another, from gateway to farmers to farmers market to araneta shopping center to sm. despite the drizzle, we just didn't care and talked about a lot stuff from cars, class, how i lost weight, etc. and every now and then wondering what our other blockmates are handling the rants of our consti professor. talladega nights was so funny and leo and i were laughing as we got out of the theatre. it was a stress buster! i would recommend it to those people who love fast cars and a good laugh. went home feeling the rush of nascar racing from the movie. hehehe... leo, if that was you behind me from UP to commonwealth, sorry i just lost you back there... told you i was a fast driver... |
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amused| breaking the habit... | ||||
| 08:29pm 03/10/2006 | ||||
went to the dentist this afternoon after complaining for the pains i've been having for the past few days. reason? i've got a wisdom tooth growing underneath a molar and it really hurts! i had to take in some antibiotics to ease of the gum bleeding and some painkillers (talk about my generic dosages). my friend gave me some mp3s of john mayer's new songs from his new album, continuum. i so love john mayer ever since his "room for squares" days! |
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lonely| whatever... | ||||
| 06:17pm 01/10/2006 | ||||
i don't have to force myself to like others. it's more of an effort to do so than just get out of their way. |
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| the morning after... | ||||
| 05:52pm 26/09/2006 | ||||
i've become so tired worrying about other people, somehow it made me apathetic towards certain circumstances and i'm not sure if it's good or bad. yes, i'm in touch with my feelings but as i sort through them i've realized how numb i've become. maybe i just closed myself up with the feeling of loneliness and emptiness inside. people will not be ready to understand other people's situations and that is one fact that i had to come in face with almost everyday. to deal with them i'd rather stare at them and shake my head off. it's no use instituting in someone else's head and explaining what i'm going through. they wouldn't understand anyway. yes, i feel lonely... i feel empty... i feel sad... i feel depressed... i'm not writing this down for the purpose that people might understand, rather i'm writing it to somehow ease the feelings i'm having. |
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indescribable| farewell, lolo peping... | ||||
| 10:28pm 24/09/2006 | ||||
it was the first time i experienced being escorted by the trafcom from araneta ave. to loyola in marikina, impressed at how the "hagads" stop the sunday morning traffic. it was the first time i saw a person given an actual 21 gun salutes and the folding of the philippine flag and handed over to the family. the only difference is that my grandfather not only has the philippine flag draped over his casket but also an american flag. his u.s. veteran medals and the highest honorary medal, the purple heart on display in front of his portrait. it was indeed very emotional. after the past week of lack of sleep, trying to get all the cases and law provisions in my head, driving from u.p. to araneta ave. almost everyday after class... i don't know how i can still survive this fatigue. my mom's worried that i might eventually catch the flu which i feel that i might contract. then, maybe it's understandable with the feeling of emptiness and loneliness. |
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| and it goes on... | ||||
| 03:02am 23/09/2006 | ||||
it's been a tumultuous week... last monday the family patriarch, my grandfather died rather peacefully. he was a great man, we weren't that close but his presence somehow makes me feel comfortable. i can always joke around and he would have this tendency to laugh at even the not-so-funny jokes. i will surely miss him and he will always be one of my life's inspirations. to you, lolo... till we see each other again! i was praying real hard not to be called for any of my classes as i wasn't much in condition to study yet recite. just my luck i got called to recite on the cases and provisions i was able to read. though it was hard pretending to know and understand a case you've haven't reached reading yet when i got called again in my next class. good thing my professor was in a good mood though he hated me for asking questions while reciting (then like i care! i was curious!). so here i am at 3 in the morning, just got home from my grandfather's wake. will have to sleep for a few hours before going back again to meet up with some of my grandfather's friends and colleagues. it was a tiring routine: studying, driving, school, driving, up until dawn and takinng a few hours of sleep. no wonder i feel so tired. further i even forget to eat now a lot of my grandfather's friends and relatives are telling me that i'm getting thinner and thinner (felt like a lost another 2 lbs. or so). dealing with sorrow is sometimes hard for me. honestly the thoughts that come to my head just make me so depressed despite my best efforts not to think of them. my therapy? i drive though sometimes i notice myself pouring my frustrations on the road (like this afternoon when i wove through the vehicles along quezon avenue). i guess i need to find a better way of dealing with this than on the road. |
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| A day with my Best Friend... | ||||
| 08:18am 16/09/2006 | ||||
He's changed, he's become mature after his stay in the US, though still some things never changed. He still likes to play billiards (which we did!). He still has this way of making you realize some things that would make you say "onga noh?!". He still has this way of making fun at my being too serious (which I really needed). And of course, there's his way of consoling me whenever I'm in the depths of loneliness (which is the very reason I skipped my last class yesterday). We ate lunch at Gerry's Grill in ATC, went to play billiards and had our picture taken together. I have to drive both of us from his house as he doesn't have a car and he wanted to see me drive. His comment on my driving? Impressive enough for being defensive and aggressive especially when we we're caught in the middle of traffic in Ayala Center where he would be meeting his girlfriend (yesterday was their 4th year anniversary), I think I caught him off guard with my "singit" skills, which I was so afraid of doing when I got caught in an accident almost 3 years ago. Yup, my best friend remembers that story! Well I'm glad that he's home. |
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contemplative| 09:25pm 11/09/2006 | ||||
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sad| Contemplating on the Frou-Frous and the Boo-Boos... | ||||
| 11:21am 26/08/2006 | ||||
I need to sort and clean up my room. I can vaguely remember my Quality professor back in CSB telling us that the quality of work can be achieved if the workplace is neat (some of those Japanese quality doctrines that I forgot what they were called... the only word I can remember is Gemba Kaizen which I honestly don't remember what it meant). Went home yesterday in the middle of the heavy downpours. Had to haggard my way through traffic and got pissed with those SUVs which use their "big builts" to get into my lane. Good thing there's always the NBI sounding horn I can use to prevent them from hitting my car. I was checking my email for the digest Carmi was supposed to send when I noticed a birthday reminder which got me thinking about my friend who for years of stay in undergrad made us believe that his birthday was in May, when actually his birthday was really in January. I was contemplating whether I should've done the same and put a big joke out of it, but then I realized that those jokes are a bit juvy to care about at present. But then... it would've been funny though! My friend and I addressed a letter to the DLS-CSB EVP and courtesy copied the DLSU System President and the Benildean Yearbook Office to question the status and complain about the "incompetency" of the Yearbook Office. Okay, I actually authored the letter and I tried not to sound so compelling as it would resort to a lawsuit. But then again, contemplating on the civil liabilities and obligations, we have every right (thanks to my professor back in BUSLAW1... I wonder if he still teaches in CSB. Pu_choy, remember: "I know, I know, I know!" in Atty. La Torre's nasal contention?!) |
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blank| What I Feel Summarized by Justice Malcolm: | ||||
| 08:11pm 23/08/2006 | ||||
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distressed| Blank State... | ||||
| 09:54pm 17/08/2006 | ||||
I find myself blankly staring for a moment until I notice a part of what I'm staring at start to wobble. A sign of too much stress as some eye doctors would diagnose. I guess I'm really stressed out. I tell people that I'm a 60 year old trapped in a 20-something body. It's a satirical statement to say nonetheless due to the fact of the ailments that I had contracted from the time I worked at night shift (so this goes to show that I'm not really made for working at night nor staying up late). Or maybe I just worry too much nor if not I just work myself too hard. But then I feel guilty if I waste my time of doing other things instead of reading the cases and books that I need to read. I feel that I spend more time idling away than studying, but then I again let me reiterate "maybe I just worry too much." |
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stressed| Laziness... | ||||
| 09:08pm 08/08/2006 | ||||
I am supposed to be reading some cases for Criminal Law 1 for tomorrow but I'm just too lazy to read so now I'm on the net at the same time watching TV (the tasks which I can do simultaneously). I need to go on a diet, I find myself food tripping! Damn! |
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lazy| Savoring The Time... | ||||
| 09:25am 29/07/2006 | ||||
I read the messages and didn't give much thought about the reminders we have for the day. I just needed this time alone, I just needed this time to settle down. I got out of bed knowing despite the 8 am call time for the practice, I didn't rush myself to go to the venue all at once. Despite my 8 hours slumber, I still feel tired with the thought that I will be coming home late yet again. I don't mind going to events, I just don't want to be required, obligated nor pesuaded to go to such. |
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| The Life I Least Wanted To Lead... | ||||
| 11:40pm 28/07/2006 | ||||
Lately, I've been out most of the time due to the preparations for the Freshmen Night event this Saturday (July 29). I don't complain much for the event, what makes me think though is the fact that I rarely see my family. This is something that is reminiscent of the fact that I encountered my first bout of depression for rarely seeing them. It's hard to be out of reach with the people you cherish most but the hardest thing is the fact that yes, you might be living in the same roof but there's seldom a time that you can talk to each other. Sometimes I wonder, are all these things worth sacrificing my lost time with my family? As I was driving home from my blockmate's place earlier I had the sudden rush of loneliness come through me. I had suddenly felt alone. It is hardly paranoia. If ever this continues I might find myself battling with the same "disease" that I had twice conquered. There might be an optimistic side that I might succeed yet again, but there is this pessimistic side which tells me I might succumb into it rather more deeply. I don't know what will happen if this persists. I just hope my 2 next weeks would be less of a pressure amidst the studying that I had to do. I am just praying that I can hold on and conquer these challenges. |
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| Writing what I feel | ||||
| 10:17pm 21/07/2006 | ||||
I try not to think about it or do I try to restrain myself to come up and put those thoughts Is it denial? I don't know... Or maybe it's something else. There's nothing definite, everything is open to interpretations. Simple gestures meant something, simple words meant a lot. This world in my opinion has to come into an understanding, and one thing I believe, it's all in the heart. Listen to your heart, it may be this shadow containing all your fears. Listen to your heart, it may contain your nightmares and worries. Yet listen to your heart, it's one thing that is true, the hope you seek. Ironies, it's all around us. No one can get away with it. Life is a paradox. Sometimes the events are the antithesis of your expectations. But learn to trust and lift everything up. He holds your story, He holds your every intention. Cry if you want to. |
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| Things at the back of my head... | ||||
| 10:06pm 19/07/2006 | ||||
I feel weak I'm sick to my very core. I feel blood rushing from me. My heart getting worst. From the instant I need someone to push me up. Life is difficult. Easy it may seem. To a spectator from beyond. Go within and feel. There's no turning back. Deal with it. Yet, there is refuge. God is. God was. And God shall. |
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sick| Part Insomniac | ||||
| 11:48pm 17/07/2006 | ||||
Early this morning, I met up with my friend, Neil in UP and we had breakfast in Chocolate Kiss. I was returning him the favor of his ranting when I was working in IBM and he as an Office Trainee then that whoever has the job has to pay. I got away with it though I say for old times sake! Haha! What a user, am I? Hahaha! Nah! He returned the favor, I paid for some drinks back then anyway! And besides I owe him much for my passing in UP (He thought me the shortcuts on how to solve those nasty math problems that don't seem to get solved! Ha! Pathetic! Got the results of my first ever exam in Law School and to my (un)surprise, I failed. I don't care much about it though, it gets better. I consider it a wake up call for me. There's a saying, "When you're down, there's no other way but to go up." So I'm planning to use that grade as my leverage and next time target a much higher grade point percentage. Challenge! Don't you just love them?! I had my x-ray taken for my (damn) scoliosis. Got worst after 2 years! Damn! Went to visit my grandfather in the hospital and I can't help feel sad at the site of him looking helpless. Please pray for him! While I was organizing my notes in my parents' office I found myself dozing off for almost an hour, I felt refreshed after the quick nap (something I appreciate more now than before!) Now it's already midnight and I still feel tired but my body seems restless. I guess I might just use this opportunity to be productive. |
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rotten_mangoes |
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