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Saturday, October 11th, 2003
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10:56 pm - I found my Odelay CD case
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yeah.. i was so pissed when i realised i couldn't find it. i remember buying that cd, i didn;t really know beck except for loser [which i held a strange affinity with:roll:]. its true though. anyway, it was an ok price and that was during my 'what the fuck lets spend money phase'. a lot of it went to cd's. i wasn't really an out of control spender, i have far too many capricornian tendancies for that. that can be a problem, i can't help my problems.its because of when i was born damnit.... the balance of my chart forces me to live with my head in the air [thats the element air if you didn't know]. life is so frustrating and exhausting when you feel like you are trying to stop the wind. luckily my earth is good and solid... yep. no matter what, i always know where i stand. fire.. yeah.. my impulsivty is thoughly undercheck.. i know when to use it *flutters eyelids*. water, no water at all... no wonder my brain chemicals don't know what do re: mood control. thankfully i have 8 tablets a day for that. i dont care, i like being this crazy genius [well, maybe not a genius.. but a thinker at least]. do not argue with me.. i get heated, i love it, a good arguement.. especially when they are purely theoritcal. oh yeah, i'm anal about spelling. i even like it when people change my views.
i also invented a new recipe tonight.
1/2 cup oatbran
1 tablespoon of vegemite [if you are hardcore like me, otherwise, a teaspoon]
tin of sardines
hot water
mix together till you get the consistency of cement.
=
yum
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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4:31 pm
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| Friday, October 10th, 2003
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10:39 am - reoccuring dreams
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I keep having this dream that I'm back in grade 12, repeating. I'll be sitting in an exam and I'll look at the paper and I won't know what to write. it freaks me out no end. imagine repeating and getting worse marks than you did the first time.
i also had a flying dream last night, that was very cool. mostly i could soar like a bird. usually i just use my arms but this time i was back in yr 7 and a girl had bought me a bday present of a sarong with fairy wings, she said that it would look nice when i do my flying, so i sort of used that the way a bat flys. ahh.. i wish i could fly
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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10:05 am
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This entry is for Chris. Chris is a boring loser who has delusional thoughts about being the best.
why does the top of my journal still say chipper, i said that ages ago
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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10:20 pm
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airight. i finished my animation assessment. talk about meeting the word limit. 2485 words for a 1500 essay. i almsost feel like adding 15 random words just to meet the limit
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(comment on this)
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8:45 am
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well, yesterday did turn out better than my last post suggested. I ended up caffinating myself and that was the boost i needed. the test turned out to be very easy, we watched this bizarre puppet animation from somewhere in eastern europe and had to talk about the differences between animation there and in america at the same time. pretty easy really, europe they had free speech and the animations tended to be more artist, this one was very surreal. it had this funny looking character trying to make a clay pot but this huge hand kept interfering. ahh.. america, i love that whole macarthyism thing. don't talk about those evil reds.. communism.. i say bring back the commies. bah.. i love socialism.
I also did my first pump class, that was pretty good. i also liked the fact that the weights that the instructor gave me were very easy. pfft.. i do dang weights chick. i paid extra money so i could do classes at the gym. last year i went to 2 and it was all these stupid dance moves, give me a treadmill over that anyway. but pump was different, if you don't know what it is its using barbells and handweights and doing heaps of reps to music. i love that feeling after you've just worked your muscles. my legs are sore, they first started being sore when i went for a run/walk the other day. i'm not usually a runner, i can stay of the precor at a fairly high intensity for ages but i can hardly run much of a distance. still, when i was warming up on the treadmill before the class i did run a km. thats better than i used to be able to do.
the reason i chose to do classes was that this girl i know said she wanted to join up too.. but she hasn't yet.
oh yeah, i'm at uni again. i turned up for my 8am class and the tutor didn't. bah.. it was so hard getting up this morning too. 8mins till my next class. i'm off
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 7th, 2003
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1:22 pm
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1:22 pm
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i'm at a uni computer at the moment. this is the last place i want to be. i've just had my mid semester break which was quite nicely scheduled 2 weeks before the end of term. i have a shit load to do and i always get so exhaused and sick of the whole study thing by the end. why can't they work backwards. i generally get really super organised at the beginning and plan out the whole semester and then it gradually fades away. i'm been smoking so much damned pot. i think i was stoned for about a month straight. i have to take a break, i can smoke 3x times what i used to and it doesn't affect me half as much. if i could have a mild bent feeliing my whole life i would take it. real life can suck so much. i woke up at 5.30 this morning and ate some breakfast and decided that i could lye in bed for another hour or so before i had to get ready. big mistake. i had a 9am lecture and i woke up at 10.30. oh well i thought, thats a bum but at least i could stay home longer. NOOOOOOOOOO.. i checked my student diary and freaked out because i thought that this assignment that is worth 50% of the mark was due today. no, its not finished. took 2 valium and decided that i would work on it today. the valium was so i wouldn't get all teary and paniciky. i was wrong, its due next week. jsut like i originally thought. but i have to stay here and do a 10% test in class. i want to go home. i want to sleep until its all over. i'm looking at all these other studious people working hard and i don't know how they do it. i wanted to purge so badly before, so i decided to email a friend of mine to distract that. the computers were all busy. i went to the disabled toilets and did my two finger trick. it was very unsatisfying. i though that i could get my cereal up but it was all this watery shit. half an hour to go. i could re-read my notes but bah.. as if. i think i will stay here and continue to type whatever comes into my mind until i either have to get to that tute or a libraian comes up and says. this does not look like an educational site. woo.. which will come first.
so many damned skinny women around campus. how many of them are like that naturally. are they those annoying people who eat like pigs and burn it all up. or are they smart and live a healthy lifestyle or do they screw around with their health in some pathetic effort to make themselves happy by being thin. if the last ones true, why can't i do it as well as they can. fat fat fat. um yeah, i was going to keep this journal open to people i know irl but i don't think anyof them are really interested in what i have to say too much so why not.
one good thing,.. i've come across a great deal on pot. that will be my reward for getting through the next few shitty weeks. 25mins to go. librarian beside me. thats it. i'm going to finish this now.
current mood:  apathetic
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 6th, 2003
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2:33 pm
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yah, lots of pointless updates eh? well, what of it!?
i can't wait for the holidays. funny thing to say that considering that i am on holidays!? stupid university, oh by the way, i just ate my 6th orange of the day. w00t. ok, so whats the story with the holidays? the mid semester break was scheduled really late, like i have two weeks left of uni. all my assessment finishs during teaching weeks so i go on holidays for about three months when study break starts. until then i have a big block of stuff to do.. which is why i have wasted today by sleeping, smoking pot and sitting infront internet.
i had a really good weekend
a friend invited me out to go and i had to go to this persons house first that i didn't know. i got there and the person who owned the place sounded like a femine guy.. thats nothing new for me. but when i got inside i realised she look very female. i decided it was just an odd sort of voice, wasn't sure. i told her that later and she said she took it as a compliment often the whole transvestite thing pisses me off.. the fakeness of it and how so many gay people i have know just worship that fakeness. anyway... she referred to herself as transgendered which seems much more natural to me. no fakeness here at all. so, to conclude the night, together we went and got a cask of merlot [haha..yep, GOON] and sat in the street in a little hollow were no one could see us as we drank ourselves silly. we stashed the cask behind some rocks and came back an hour later and had more. no one else with us would sink to that low? lol.. i love red wine, it was great fun
the next day she told me that if i want i was welcome to go back and resue the rest purely for myself. then i started wondering if it would still be there. hey, i'm sure there are many people who would. [not me though]. but then she said that she once found a bag of pot, it had like 7 50$'s in there. this is a sort of standard size in australia, thats a lot.
now, i wouldn't drink alcohol i found [but i guess i would if i might if it was a glass bottle with a seal]. i'd smoke the pot. but i wouldn't take a bag of powder ... i've known of someone to do that, thought it was speed and thats what it was, but um,, thats pretty stupid. okay, admit it. that person was a friend of a friends, i've just heard hearsay.
now i feel like a tryhard... oh yeah man, i knew him, i'm so cool. well, its true. i admit it. i am lame
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(comment on this)
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2:29 pm
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| Monday, September 29th, 2003
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7:53 pm
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You are Effexor. You cause many a sleepless night,
although the worry isnt quite as bad as it was
before. You are a bit hit and miss when it
comes to success but people are too scared to
stop being your friend so it doesnt matter
anyway.
What Anti Depressant Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 28th, 2003
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7:49 pm
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What poison are you
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current mood:  chipper
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 25th, 2003
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5:49 pm
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well, today was eventful.
last lecture for this half semester, it was on war/combat movies. I actually watched one yesterday, a John Wayne one called 'the flying tigers'. its set in China when the Japanese were invading, preww2. Feminists get all up in arms about these old 'testoterone' type movies, but I like them. ooOooo.. especially westerns. I like the exploration of that wild fronteir. I've always been big on sci fi fiction, so i think it taps into that nerve. but.. honestly, those cowboys.. :drool: i love the accents, the hats, the manners and when they talk purty like. but most of all, Humphrey Bogart. haha.. am i getting off track.
so, i slept in. well, not really. i woke at 6 and then when back to sleep around 9 and mum woke me. lucky.. i would have missed the lecture and i needed to ask a question about the end of semester test. otherwise i would have freaked out about it all holiday. i love anxiety. they are on holidays, they dropped me off just before they left. yay.. i have the house to myself til tuesday [my brother doesn't count, he sort of slips into the background, the most emotive i've seen him lately is a tired yawn, and thats the only expression]. pah..
after, I was supposed to meet Oliver. I had a bit of time before then so i went to the library and got out some more videos.. early stuff.. Oliver did a no show, I felt it I think when I first got there and he hadn't been there already. i just knew he forgot, and thats not true. he was actually sleeping. if you read this olly, its ok. i'm not in the slightest pissed.
it was good that i was there though, cause i saw this girl i have not seen in ages. we used to be friends.. although, she always kept herself distant in a way. and i'm not the greatest communicator [hey.. i know this, i always did]. it was all ok till i started to really go under because of depression. i'd call her and leave a message asking her to call back. and basically.. she didn't. i can't remember everysingle time, she probably occasionally called back. but.. to be straightforward. she didn't treat me very well.,. i needed to know that someone still wanted to be my friend and no one was there, she was the person who i called out to that time. this has happened to me over and over. needing friends who simutaneously push me away. one girl got down right cruel and manipulative, others have just stood back and made me feel that they just aren't interested in my miserable presence. ahh.. all over the spectrum. at least i'm getting variety. this one stood back and in the end i just let her [though she did recieve a very intence phone call when i was IP because of mania]. if anyone is reading this... trust me, do not mess with a bipolar person!
i don't hold anger. it comes then goes, once my emotions clear out of the way i like facts. i like to analyse things down to their component parts and that way i can distance that stupid thing called emotion, damned feelings. no, i don't really mean that. but i felt that way for so long.
so, we had a good chat. she thought i hated her, which i didn't. i guess i hated what she was doing, but never her. i felt she despided me, and why not. i despised myself so really, when you add 2 and 2 together it all made a lot of sense.
so, i came home and got this depairing message bank message from Olly, saying sorry for not meeting up with me in the city. he's still coming, i'm waiting for him to turn up right now.
final thing.. i rode my bike for the first time in a long time. the tires were flat, so i had to return home and get this different bike which felt like crap to ride on because i had an overdue libary book and 2 due today that i had forgotten to return.
current mood:  accomplished
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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10:09 pm
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I only associate with people who don't judge me says:
Gun ni!
senorita rosita says:
i'm too stunned for words
I only associate with people who don't judge me says:
You are permanently stunned.
I only associate with people who don't judge me says:
Rosie, for the sake of my mental health, we need to have sex.
I only associate with people who don't judge me says:
It's a new pickup line!
senorita rosita says:
hmm.. its one of the better ones
I only associate with people who don't judge me says:
Well, we need to.
I only associate with people who don't judge me says:
I need to reaffirm my heterosexuality, enjoy a sexual experience with a woman.
I only associate with people who don't judge me says:
Feel honoured! Feel flattered!
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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1:21 pm - another test.. i'm at uni and bored
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Are You Sure You're You?
Warning! The person reading this may not be entirely you. You've probably had some suspicions already, little clues that make you wonder. People who look incredibly familiar probably knew the real you. When strangers are a little too friendly, they probably mistake you for...well...you.
Don't get too upset. It's a common problem. One morning you don't quite feel like yourself, and the feeling never goes away. Or maybe you were just searching for a "new look" and you went a bit too far. The good news is that you're not a completely lost cause. With a little hard work, you can find yourself again.
We're not suggesting meditation and incense. There are many other techniques that are more effective. Send off a few emails to yourself and see how you respond. Hire a private investigator to follow you around and look for clues that you leave behind. If you're feeling brave, try the personals - take out an ad and see if the real you turns up. It could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
Whatever happens, we wish you the best of luck on your journey of personal discovery.
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(comment on this)
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1:17 pm - my attraction factor
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http://www.emode.com
The Attraction Factor
Rose, on a scale of 1-100, your attraction factor is 74!
How did we determine your attractiveness score? While you were taking the test, we measured your responses to questions on 5 attraction dimensions — appearance, attitude, body maintenance, energy and behavior.
Here's what we found out: While your overall attraction factor is 74, you are getting most noticed by others for your behavior.
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(comment on this)
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5:17 am - hmm well, i thought i may update somemore
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i just applied for registration for a webaddress for my webdesign buisness idea thing. its a new subdomain and they are offering free registration at the moment. i don't have the details yet, but i'll post it when something lives there. its id.au hmm.. short and sweet, i love it :)
yesterday the coolest thing happened. this guy Micheal called. i met him at centrelink about 8 months ago, he bummed a cigerette. turned out he worked in the theatre and he was really impressed my ideas and design skills, so i did a bit of volunteering with this production he was working on. at the time, nothing much happened because of various circumstances. but they have just come back from Greece where their troop [it was a traditional aborignal dance production] really wowed the critics at the cultural olympics. so, they have all this stuff happening and Micheal wants to get me involved now. possibility of some paid work too. i have the whole of the xmas holidays towork it out, if its good i'll do that part time and study part time. if not, i might still do some stuff, but i'll get a job for a bit of extra cash and i'll continue to study a full load.
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(comment on this)
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5:04 am - its 5am in the morning
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yep. 5am in the morning. i'm not sleeping much at the moment and i love it.
my medication currently - 60mg aropax [or paxil is the US]. thats a pretty high dose by the way, normally depression is treated with 20mg. Valpro [sodium valroate or something], its used as my mood stabilzer, 800mg of that, that keeps my serum levels happy or my doctor is happy with my serum levels of that. without it, i'm probably get hypo/hypermanic. actually, i guess i'm a little upped at the moment. i have some of the nicer symptoms, my thinking is ultraclear yet i've got that really reflective feel. i spray painted my ventian blinds yesterday and the red of the spraypaint makes the light that comes into my room more redish. its like this perpetual sunrise in my room now. how beautiful is that. i'm not sleeping a normal amount of hours. normally i'm a good 8 hour person. i've had periods where i've slept most of the day for days at a time. while i like being awake, i like being asleep just as much. thats nice if you think about it. i have the choice of being awake or asleep. yay.. i love it when my brain makes postive thoughts for me to be occupied by.
but.. i think that this swing is the result of the new one. xyprexa. i was pretty surprised to be put on it. its a drug usually used to treat scizophrenia [sp?] and i don't have that problem. but some guys in labcoats started experimenting with using adding small doses of it to bipolar patients who were taking a moodstabilizer and obviously they got good results. because its being used in treatment. apparentely the bipolar brain and schizophrenia brain malfunction is similar ways. not a comforting thought. i once said that i would refuse that drug, because it causes a dramatic increase in appetite accompanied by a slower metabolism. yeah, i'd give that to a bulimic, thats sure to cheer her up. but, that hasn't been a problem. Lynz said that the dose i'm on is only a quater of what it really takes to have that effect. hmm.. brains are complicated aren't they
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 21st, 2003
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2:57 am
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hey well, its almost 3am in the morning. mum and dad went out and i guess they are staying the night out because i'm the only one home. will was watching lord of the rings with his friend patty. guess they had a party and crashed there. i love this, i haven't been able to spend ths much time on a computer at night.
lynz and i went over to tims place, i drove. it was pretty cool, i took some photos which i will upload later. after i dropped linsday off at his home [out at whoop whoop] i was driving behind a paddy wagon. damn, i was so annoed that i didn't get breathalized. HA.. oh well, i must look trustworthy.
i'm trying to get some scripting stuff working on my website, but i forgot how to do it all. or maybe i never knew.
current mood:  awake
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 20th, 2003
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6:04 pm
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the other day I went over to Chris's place and we watched this unreal movie 'the man from laramie'... ooo, gotta love those cowboys
right now i'm sitting here with Lynsay by my side.. we're going out tonight to watch all the movies that feature Jay and Silent Bob. i thinks it should be fun. lynz thinks i type pretty good.
i died his hair as well, i am such a damned good avon lady. pity they don't sell hair dyek. i would rock
started watching a movie called the 'roaring twenties'. it had humphrey bogart, but its before he became a big star.
current mood:  ecstatic
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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quixotic
