[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Tuesday, December 5th, 2006|
What a day. We are not busy at work so time just seems to crawl. I got down to the post office after work and got Masters parcel sent off to Him. When i got home i went online and Master had written. That brightened my day for that i am grateful............
|Sunday, December 3rd, 2006|
Patience, obedience and faith in Master
I reread my last posting here earlier tonight and i don't really like what or how i wrote what i did. But.. I am leaving it up here because that is how i felt at that time. I admit to feeling confused sometimes, feeling left out or forgotten. But deep in my heart i know that i do cross Masters mind likely often inside of a day. I know He cares deeply about His slave but He is not one to show it all the time. That is Him. Me on the other hand feel i need to tell Master that i love Him, miss Him. It is not to attempt to manipulate Him into coming online to talk or pressure Him to allow me to call Him. It is because this relationship i have with Master is something that i once never thought i could find. This kind of deep , trusting relationship. I never thought in my wildest dreams i would meet a man who i would trust with a knife in His hand using it on any part of my body He desired to, or any number of the things that Master has done to me ( and often i enjoyed to one degree or another). I trust Master in that He knows His slave the person i am inside. He accepts that yeah i can be a highly emotional person .. i don't think He would want that changed in me. He accepts that i am stubborn because He has seen that it may take a while but i learn and grow in the direction He wants and we both know i need to go. There is always room to grow there in other avenues of our relationship. We both have room to grow.
One thing Master has in abundance that i seem to lack often is patience. There to i am learning. I have too for reasons just like that in my last posting here. For me it is not always easy to achieve, it is at times damn hard because i get angry and want to rant and rave but hell it wouldn't get me anywhere . My emotions and feelings sometimes run rampant with me but i somehow doubt Master would want me to ignore my feelings or bury them. What would be the point in having a slave who felt nothing, showed nothing and seemed to of lost interest in all the wonderful things Master has shown and taught me.
Yes i have wants and needs and there are many many times i wished Master would see to them... now, right away. But would that be a slave. Would that make me happy in the long run? No because that would be me having control and even if it is frustrating sometimes i need Master to be in control. Feel His control. And the times i feel like i am being left out or forgotten i need to always remember that He has given me routines, permissions and that is Him controlling me. So much of what i do in a day He has taken control of.
Master has never made it seem like my needs are unimportant. Sure He may not choose to act on what i ask for right away. I may have to wait for a while for answers to questions or requests but that is learning patience ( even when it really ticks me off lol)
I know Master needs to know that i miss Him , that i love Him, that i wish He was here to give me my swats each day. I think He knows how painful it can be for His oftentimes over emotional slave to be away from Him. But for Him to give me to much attention when He and i both know that is impossible because of how real life butts in , that would only screw things up. There again patience . Not trying to make Him feel sorry for me or make Him feel guilty. I don't want that. That is me trying to control Masters emotions and thougths and i would rather see His unpredictability ( more). I know there are times Master cannot write and right now we don't talk online or even the phone. Because of real life things happening. There are going to be times my life may butt in to and i can't be in touch though as a slave i have to try harder to be more communicative to Him as in a journal and such. That is something else i need too. It is my connection to Him. Though sometimes i wonder if what i write there actually gets understood ( though i should know better)
So i am learning patience with Master, and with myself. I get angry , i get disillusioned( for a few minutes), i get hurt and cry. There are even times i dislike Master. But the love i have for Master comes through every time. And i hope it always will.
Wanting to go home
Well life has been a real up and down roller coaster. Work is just a barrel of laughs ....not. I was even beginning to think that there might be something wrong between Master and i as it seemed like He didn't want any other form of communication between us other than e mails. Dont' get me wrong the e mails are terrific and i love to hear from him everyday. But to be able to talk to him on the phone and hear his voice would be, as always, wonderful . So i asked him to please consider a phone call between us soon. He said he would work on it. I trust he will do just that. But i have no idea when it will happen. Hopefully we will get one or two calls in before i go down there, go home. To see Master. Because in all honesty i don't know what my reactions may be to him when i get there if i think he has tried to avoid calls between us for one reason or another. Christ i am nervous already about going home to Him. which is almost a natural thing for me every time i go home. I don't need the extra doubts to mingle in there either. Just some reassurance , hearing His voice talking to me about lifestyle things, my upcoming time with him , that the plans we have already made are still going to happen.
Master wrote to me to have some faith. I do have faith in what we have built and i know i have to show patience. But there is so little time before i fly down to see Him. I jsut need to be able to hear His voice letting me know that He is looking forward to seeing His slave as i am to seeing my Master. A few words from him, to hear his voice , works on me in more ways than any written words be it e mails or online could ever do.
I no longer give a damn about this other sub? slave? little girl? or whatever she is this week. I can't keep worrying about what she has with Master and keep myself focused on what i have with Him. I just hope and pray that this year , when i go home it will be to a peacefulness where i can be who and what i am to Master and who and what makes me happy- being His slave and serving His needs. I can't handle the drama that has happened in the past. I need to have the peace i know i have found with Master and can find again , kneeling at His feet . Where i have always felt content.
|Sunday, November 19th, 2006|
Losing focus or ability to give a damn anymore
Sometimes I just want to give up. I find I am questioning myself. I wonder if I am really where I fit. I wonder if I love Him as much as I thought. I wonder if I can continue to sit back and watch the games that seemed to be played over and over and over. Doesn't He realize that those games hurt because they have almost lost me this relationship I have with Master once. Now,, I am on pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to fall again. Because of one person who I know will start trying to screw with my relationship with Him. His relationship with His wife. Hey it has happened what three times already. It is gonna happen again. This time I dont' know where it will lead to. I dont' know if I have the energy to fight for this anymore.
|Wednesday, November 8th, 2006|
I am 48 years old and for the past 5 plus years i have been involved with a wonderful man. I call this man Master. I am submissive to Him, i am His slave, His bitch, slut , pet and His play thing. I think i knew He was special to me from just about the very beginning , when we met as friends online. He was there when i needed support, when i needed questions about what the bdsm lifestyle was all about. He was there when i realized and felt that something inside that had been missing in my life. He was there when other parts of my life fell apart, and He picked up the pieces. He accepted me first as His submissive and i called Him Sir. I needed more but was unaware that He already saw that in the e mails i sent Him several times a day, the conversations we had online, and the phone calls i made to Him weekly if not more often.
My first visit to Him was full of surprises. I knew i wanted to submit to Him. My heart and mind were there. I just didn't know how far i would go on that very first visit to Him. Before i left i did beg for His collar and He accepted me as His slave. Since that day there has been some ups and downs, there has been some bumps in the roadway, mountains to get over. But we have done it.
There are times i have been fully confused , hurt and baffled by things Master has done and they didn 't necessarily have anything to do with what He and i had. Still today He does things i wonder about. But i am learning that i have to keep my mind on the commitment i made to Him on that first visit, and the commitment we have together in this relationship. I can't keep worrying and wondering about any other relationship He chooses to get into. No matter what i think of them.
One such relationship is with sharon. A black sometimes AB sometimes slutty bitch. I have watched her bareface lie to Master, i have seen her all but steal from Him, i have seen her break her work over and over and over . Still now , here comes the third time she has come around. Last time because of what she said it almost cost me the relationship with Master. He almost allowed it to happen when He believed her over me. God how that hurt. It still does some. This time around she swore she only wanted friends. I heard that from Master and His wife. I was skeptical. I knew that it would not take her long to show why she was really around ....... again. But i can't attempt to run Masters life. He has control of that . If he chooses to bring her back again that is His choice. He is aware that i will never trust that woman again. I will not set myself up to be hurt by her and her words again. I won't lay my relationship with Master out in the open for her to try to fuck up again. But still... if she is what will make Him happy that is that. I can only hope that everything can be held together another time if she goes on the very same predictable path as she has the last two times she was involved with Master. She has already followed the same scenarios that she did the first two times she was around.
Now it sounds as if i am worried and i admit i am. I am not living with Master yet, i am in a different country. She lives in the same town and has the time and opportunity to shall i say work on Master. But there too is His choice to allow her to bring unrest , drama and hurt into His home again. I won't be the cause of it.
I am planning on going to see Master very soon during the Christmas holidays. I hope and pray this year we all ( Master, Maam and i ) have a good holiday together . A peaceful holiday, not like last year. One where i can serve Master, know that i am pleasing Him. and be able to be the slave i am for Him and for myself. It gets pretty lonely being away from Him , not being able to fully serve Him and not being able to be who i am. With Him i can be.