When I have kids, I'm going to tell them the truth.
I'm going to explain that a man so fat that his stomach jigglies cannot fit down our chimney. I'll let my kids know that rabbits have nothing to do with eggs. Or that someone will not sneak into the house late at night and buy they're lost teeth.
I will tell my kids that the christian god does not exist because, if he did, his merciful side would have made only good little boys and girls, that way we all get to go to heaven. I'll explain that only idiots think that an all powerful entity would banish mankind from eternal happiness and contentment all because some bitch ate an apple. Oh, and I'll tell my kids that wine is not blood, crackers are not parts of the body, and that holy water is simply tap water. In fact, I'll take it to the next level and dicuss how there is no afterlife. They'll learn that, if there was an afterlife, we'd all know about it by now. Seeing as how that ruins organized religion, then it'll be safe to tell them that, in all honesty, there can't feasibly be any type of god or higher power. Even if there was, their infinite wisdom would be so grand and large that we'd be negligable. That way, should I be wrong about that little fact, it won't matter because our existence will still be useless in the eyes of a higher power. Don't want to get their hopes up.
Since I blow the lid off that can of malarky I sure as hell will continue the point of life being useless. We talk to people, we spend some money, we die. It's good they learn that now, just incase they come across some asinine idea that our idividuality is worth something. I will simply tell them that whatever it is you want to do in life, it won't matter. Because in 70 years, you'll be dead. And any ideas that you may have left behind will fall into the background of human existence. I mean, come on now, they need to know that we don't really make a difference. Then I can begin to tell them that no matter who you are or what you do, there will still be hate, murder, rape, greed, grief, carnage, disease, disappointment, and, ultimately, death. That's when I can begin the lesson on how humans are born with only two passions: desire and jealousy. I'm sure I won't have to explain it to them, I mean, kids already know what greed is, but I'll go over it anyways. Mankind is an entity that wants everything there is to take. And if someone beats us to it, we take it from them. It'll be good for them to learn that young, that way they can start hoarding now so as to be truly rich when they get older.
While I'm on the topic of desire, I might as well explain the taboo topic that captivates the world: sex. Sex, sex, sex. There's only one place to start with that. They will need to know that love has nothing to do with it. In fact, I should start that lesson by telling them that love doesn't exist. We care for someone, we grow apart, we forget them. I hope they really pay attention to that lesson because it can spare them a lot of wasted time. No one stays "in love", and the one's that pledge their lives to each other only do it for financial stability and the fear of dying alone. Thankfully my kids won't have to worry about either of those because they'll know that owning lots of things is our basic human need so they will start soon, and they'll never fear dying because they've already come to terms with their useless existence. Once I finish on love, then I can move over to sex and explain that it's pleasure. We desire it. And we feel jealousy if someone is getting it when we aren't. The orgasm is a powerful tool, as is the pressure from everyone else getting one. So I can tell my kids to rest assured. Getting sex any way you can is not only the best bet, but it also the most pleasureable one. Love only complicates the sole act of fucking, so they'll be well aware to avoid the lie at all costs and indulge, at any cost, in their pleasure, lest someone beat them to it.
Then there are the other types of love. The familial love. And the friendly love. And the love of life. All of those...well, this will be hard to tell them...but they aren't real either. This is probably the most important lesson for them to learn, so I'll save it for last when they understand the foundation on which I raise them. Even though someone says they love you, even though someone says they will always be there...even though the word "unconditional" is thrown around...it does not exist. People that are there to protect and support you, well, my children need to know that they are lying. They will leave. A weaker child, one that is most obviously not my own, will feel sadness and hurt. They will feel rejection or abandonment or maybe even at fault. However, what will set my kids above the average self-pitying yutz is the fact they will have known the harsh truth early on. The only protection from that suffering is to realize now that we are simply alone in the world. People that are here at this moment (and say such nice words) will eventually leave, and half of them will probably leave on bad terms after petty arguments. So, in order to protect my kids, they have to learn to be self-sufficient. They cannot rely on, confide in, or claim to love anyone so as to avoid any "broken hearts". They will grow up understanding the necessity of distancing one's self from others, that way, yet again, they can avoid falling into a trap that only hurts more the more often it happens.
I can only hope and pray that my kids heed my warnings and apply my lessons toward their lives. I've seen and felt enough suffering in my own alone to hope that they grow up to be entirely disillusioned and utterly realistic. Now I'm all too well accustomed to these false ideals to change my ways. It's too late for me...but maybe I can still make their lives a little easier by explaining to them all the things I had to learn on my own.
David.
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hopeful.
excited.
uncomfortable.
hot.
sleepy.