|.:: MY VERSION OF THIS INTRODUCTION ::.
||[20 Mar 2003|08:30pm]
Ok, now it's my turn to say something. One, I have to tell all of you out there that you have been there for me more times than ever. I mean, IT'S ALL OF YOU who have helped me and made me stronger and my love for all of you out there is stronger than most people can say about their friends. You guys are MY FAMILY not just friends, and to know that you continue to stay strong to our friendship is the most rewarding thing in the world! So, **raises glass** THIS IS FOR ALL OF YOU! THANK YOU AND I WILL CONTINUE TO BE HERE FOR ALL OF YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE.
Ok, sorry about that, it's been on my mind forever and I finally just needed to say it. I said it because it ties in with what I am going to say. LOL I am not sure how much it will tie in, but in my eyes it ties in with EVERYTHING. You all know the story behind me and Dylan. Well, let's hope you do. (If you dont, I have forced it outta my mind so you'll have to go to www.blurty.com/~mhoward to find out everything.) Anyhoo, the whole thing with Dylan just about killed me - literally. I had attempted suicide after that break up because I was led on to believe that I needed him. That my life was incomplete without him in it. I couldnt bear to live without him. Or so I thought. It was all of you out there, all of my friends - my family - that made me realize what caring for someone really is. And it wasnt him! LOL, no it wasnt. I was almost ruined because of what he did. I mean, people prolly wont ever understand the pain I went through. Well, I can think of a few though, but still, it's pain that NO ONE should ever bear. Well, maybe Dylan, because after what he put me through, he shouldnt deserve to live. I mean, yes, he had a horrible life, I'll give him that, but the fact that even though he had a horrible life, he still makes other's horrible. GOD! I mean, he makes his grandmother's life worse. Even though she has raised him through hell all by herself and has done anything and everything for him, he STILL seems to make it worse. She has cried to me several times, and it always killed me that someone who's supposed to be so loveable can do something like that to someone who LOVES THEM. But, what I'm trying to get at (lol, see? I told you that I always ramble off on other subjects! :-p) is that he brain-washed me into thinking that he loved me so that I would love him, that I ended up getting completely anihilated in the end. My life went down in shambles, and I was really wanting to die. I finally had to realize that people are evil, and that getting involved with anyone will only ruin you. So, I decided to give up dating altogether. At least for a very very very long time. I never ever wanted to get involved with anyone. I refused to even consider it. I put up personal ads everywhere because I wanted to meet more people, I wanted more friends. I mean, the people I had talked to all the time and who I THOUGHT were my friends had all blocked me from their lives on the internet when Dylan blocked me after our final goodbyes (well, they werent as sweet as final goodbyes, but I wanted to be suttle). So, I was determined to focus my life on me. Making me a better person, making me happier and also focusing on the good things I still had in my life. MY FRIENDS. Who, as I said before, NEVER left my side during any part of life. So, I am fine, living my life the best way possible. I was getting soo happy that I wasnt involved with anyone, because I hated being involved with people. I didnt want anyone and was happy and content without them. I was always looking on the different personals websites, seeing if there were any decent sounding people out there who wanted a relationship. Well, I found one, among all of the others, and I decided to reply to it. There were very little decent sounding personal ads, so I pretty much replied to any that sounded good, only because I figured if their good moralled people, with no interest in hooking up for sex, then I might as well contact them. So, here's what was in the list of what I found:
Well, what to say. I mean, you gotta admit- its pretty pathetic having to sit here and think of something remotely interesting to say when nobody really cares. Is it really that difficult to find fun and decent people to hang out with? Apparently so- otherwise we all wouldn't be here would we? lol. With that being said, if I havent already come across as a dork- by all means, keep reading. Basically, in a nut shell, i'm an easy going, semi-ok looking, athletic, kind of person. I like doing just about anything- well, except for going to the gay bars around town. Sigh- my idea of fun doesn't involve being fondled by 40 yr old men every 2 seconds. I work a lot (nothing better to do I guess- haha) so usually my excitment is sitting around watching a movie or going to the mall during the week. (yeah, exciting I know). Actually, lets just some this up by saying- "If you have anything interesting to say, or any questions (aside from - how big is your di^$, top or bottom, etc.) by all means, drop me a line. I'm the ole ---------------- at hotmail dot com.
Well, after sending an email to this person, haha, I got a very cool reply. I figured, eh, he's just another one of those posers (like dylan). So, I stopped for a while, because I was afraid of talking to him. Then, I dunno, one day, for some reason I was compelled to email him again. So, I did, and we became good friends. We woud send each other replies to our emails within like ten minutes of sending them out! He became a good friend. He still sends me like six emails a day, it's soo wonderful! lol. I had no intention of getting involved. I was hurt before, I had no reason to get hurt again, I refused to allow that to happen. So, I pointed that out, and we continued to talk. Well, then we decided to finally meet in person. We made plans and we met. We ended up spending a weekend together, it was the best thing in the world! He didnt try to put cheap moves on me, he didnt touch me, we just talked, hung out, watched movies, and we cuddled. I will admit, it was me who initiated everything, hehe, only because I grew really attracted to him, not only physically, but when we talked that weekend, and had conversations, we could finish each other's sentences, we knew what the other person liked, and well, when I saw that he was just as obsessed with Absolutely Fabulous as I was (Ab Fab is a british comedy, perhaps the best there is), then I knew that there was something there. WE completely connected. The whole weekend there was no sex involved. WE just spent the time and got to know each other more. We cuddled the whole time, and it was just amazing to feel what I felt. I have to be honest, what I was feeling was FAR OVER what I felt for Dylan. It kinda scared me, and I found myself at times completely dazing into deep thought as to if this was what I really wanted. If I was willing to take another risk. I was terrified outta my mind, but I decided in the long run that I couldnt let this person get away, because if he was truly what he seemed, then I would have lost him, and I couldnt do that. I remembered my friends, and I knew that if this risk turned out negative, then I would always have my friends. So, I was willing to give it a shot, I wanted him and I to be together, to have a relationship. But, the most miraculous thing happened, something that enhanced my feelings for him and made me care about him more. He told me that he didnt want us start getting involved yet. He doesnt want to see himself or me get hurt again, so he said that we were going to take everything slow, make sure that this is what we want, make sure that we are going to be happy with this decision. When I heard that I about flipped. I wanted to hug him and hold him and tell him that I loved him. But, I kept that happiness inside, and just continued to soak in whatever else I could in the weekend together. I had the best weekend I could ever imagine. It was literally a dream date. It was everything that I was ever looking for to make me happy. Sunday night, when we finally decided to head back to Long Lake, I got sad...I didnt want to leave. I was afraid to. Only because I was afraid that he was gonna be fake and shit like I was used to in the previous relationship. I thought he would go back behind my back and find someone better, and continue to email me pretending to love me. Then I looked at him, and when I did, he was crying. I almost started crying, and was, quite honestly, SHOCKED. Here's a 22 y/o crying, driving, holding my hand. I had no idea what to do, and it was the last thing in the world that I expected to see. I asked him what was wrong, and he continually said nothing. Then finally I forced outta him, and he told me that he was afraid to let me leave. He had the best weekend of his life and that I made him the happiest he's ever been. He didnt want to let me go. He was afraid. Well, that just completely made me melt and realize that this has to be something more than what I was thinking. That someone FINALLY cares for me as much, if not more, as I care for them. So, knowing that we were nearing Long Lake, I told him to pull into a parking area before Long Lake. We did, and we sat there talking. Well, it was nearing 9:30 or so and we sat there for another hour or more. We just talked, talked about the upcoming week and made plans to hang out again this coming weekend. When I left him, and walked into my house, I suddenly got a sense of completeness. More than I had before that weekend. I felt like my heart and soul had yet been restored once more. It was the most fantastic thing that happened. Throughout this whole week I have cried very very hard, not out of sadness, but happiness, because I finally found something good for me. Something that I could hold onto for a while, and it made me feel good. I cried because I found someone who FINALLY was in love with me as much as I was in love with them. I finally found it and that was the best feeling in the world. I dont know how to explain it. But I can tell you right now, it's making me happier than happy. So happy, that I am gonna go call Eric right now, and wish him a goodnight. I'll update later!
Luv ya all!