I've Got Stars In My Eyes

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You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.

4th March 2004

8:56pm: What are morals? If someones morals are different from yours, are they still morals?
Current Music: zebrahead.

2nd March 2004

9:11am: There's nothing like waking up to the sound of rain hitting against the walls of this old house. Today is going to be a good day.
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: today is definitly a frank sinatra day

14th February 2004

11:48pm: "What you've built means nothing against what you've left behind."
You know, I tried to write and I just couldn't. I deleted everything. I'm sorry, but I don't see the point in updating this for the people who are too afraid to ask me what's new for themselves. These journals are just an easy way out. I'm sick of anonomous girls and their not so anonomous postings. This one's for you.

valentine's day is so lame.

I hope you know that this is all your fault.

I don't think you would believe me if I told you this was a really great weekend HAHA Everyone is allowed 3 bad mood days a months I think. :)

19th January 2004

5:15pm: Work today. School tomorrow.

I spent the last 30 minutes reading old entries out of this thing. I doubt anyone's life and philosophies have changed more than mine. In some ways it's good, sometimes I miss it.. It's the way of life. Could you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me I am a bad person? Just wondering.

I don't feel good at all

Current Mood: lethargic
Current Music: aerosmith oldies

16th January 2004

8:42pm: I want to poke your cold frozen heart with a stick.
I can write in this thing anymore, I tried, and failed. Like everything else in my annoying monotonous life.

What can I say? I fell in love with him when I promised myself I never would. Some girls make it a lot easier than it looks. Now I pay the consequences of giving in.
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: B182 - Obvious

10th January 2004

1:24pm: My insides are sore.
Late night text messages while watching cribs reruns always helps. ;) Thank you so much, man.

Im going out tonight.

Have you ever had to give up something special for the scars that you'd gain? Sometimes to find the truth, you go insane screaming inside because you want to elude it. There is no wrong or right. Go on and live your life with no regrets, you only have one life. This box of pictures; regrets and memories. I haven't found out quite yet just what I want. So have you lost them? Got stuck inside your past. All the time I've fought for, and all I've wasted.
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: elton john

8th January 2004

9:48pm: So, our long awaited two week vacation is surprisingly already over. Seems almost non-existent to me. I thought the two weeks away from Hell would do me good, but I feel the same way as I did close to three weeks ago. Getting up in the morning is brutal. I swear I haven't seen the A.M. for half a month. You know what I hate more than anything? Waking up to go to school while it's still dark out. It's depressing. It's such a cold feeling in your chest where you just wish you would actually have an inch of control on your own life to be able to wake up when you want to, not when the town wants you too. Damn Weymouth. Damn high school.

I called my Mom from a payphone during study today. It made me feel so much better, I felt like I needed some kind of connection to the life outside of school, because school is Hell. I'm such a weirdo. I love my Mom.

I don't feel like writing at all.
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Northstar

30th December 2003

12:08am: allison marie day is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: frank sinatra

14th December 2003

2:53pm: hahahah funny shit right here.
Math Class

Lyrics: Buse, Music: HHY

Waiting for you patiently
Knowing that you'll ignore me
Copying Homework for free
Won't you please notice me
Looking over your shoulder in class
Savoring each second pass
Hoping for that accidental glance
My heart beats fastest for circumstance

Four years down and what have I got to show (for it)
All this time and she doesn't even know that I (exist)
I know my chances are slim and I put up with this
Cause she must be the one for me

I see you talking to other guys
I know what they want; i see their eyes
But I know you belong to me
In our fifth period geometry
Sitting on the bleachers, At the big game
Watching you cheer is not the same
As holding you tight for just tonight
Find myself waking up to your name

Ten years down and here i am again
Same old story; same old friends
High school reunions aren't so much fun
Hearing all about what you haven't done
Embellishing life to sound so great
and you've never left the state
And he got married and you got fat
Realizing that you're not all that


And our eyes meet
From across the gym
I know what you're thinking
Standing next to him
The choices made, and i don't regret
What we had, will time help me forget?
Current Mood: chipper

12th December 2003

7:40pm: Ever since I was young your word is the word that always won. Worry and wake the ones you love. A phone call I'd rather not receive. Please use my body while I sleep. My lungs are fresh and yours to keep, Kept clean and they will let you breathe. Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind. Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these, so I sat alone and waited out the night. The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed. So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around. I'm not writing my goodbyes. I submit no excuse. If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake. If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure. Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind. Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these, so I sat alone and waited out the night. The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed. So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around. I'm not writing my goodbyes. I'm not letting you check out. You will beat this starting now and you will always be around. I'm there to monitor your breathing I will watch you while you're sleeping. I will keep you safe and sound. Does anybody remember back when you were very young. Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?

fix your halo, it's kind of crooked.
and while your at it, take the knife out of my back
oh, and if it's not asking too much,
forget my name and everytime we've ever been together
just like your pretending to do already
but i know you remember
it's better this way.
Current Mood: restless
Current Music: coldplay

9th December 2003

12:26am: i'm hungry
[x]Name: Amanda Lee
[x]Birthdate: September 14th
[x]Birthplace: Boston
[x]Current Location: The rich, exciting, "city" of Weymouth
[x]Eye Color: hazel i guess
[x]Hair Color: I'LL NEVER KNOW
[x]Height: 5-4.. 5-5, depends on my mood :)
[x]Righty or Lefty: righty tighy [ok that was uncalled for.]
[x]Zodiac Sign: virgo

[x]Your heritage: take a wild guess. who else who create a last name with CUM in it besides the perverted irish? hahaha
[x]The shoes you wore today: what about them.
[x]Your weakness: men with a sense of humor, being alone, and school
[x]Your fears: scary movies, roller coasters, beginnings and endings, and school
[x]Your perfect pizza: darren's home made pizza :)
[x]Goal you'd like to achieve: i don't want to grow up to be another 9-5
[x]Music Choices: hmm. lucky boys confusion, zebrahead, yellowcard, count the stars, reunion show, plain white t's, something corporate, brand new, 311, sugarcult, from autumn to ashes, get up kids, starting line, the movielife, the hippos, rx bandits, sublime, chevelle, copeland, thursday, ...

[x]Your most overused phrase on AIM: phrase? "haha"
[x]Your thoughts first waking up: where am I
[x]Your best physical feature: the tumor on my left ass cheek, check it out sometime
[x]Your bedtime: usually 1030ish
[x]Your most missed memory: everything in life eventually comes to an end.

[x]Pepsi or Coke: who cares
[x]McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
[x]Single or group dates: depends on the mood
[x]Adidas or Nike: psh
[x]Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: neither
[x]Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
[x]Cappuccino or coffee: coffee
[x]smoke: nope
[x]Cuss: boo ya
[x]Sing: heh.
[x]Take a shower everyday: yep
[x]Have a crush(es): who cares.
[x]Do you think you've been in love: once
[x]Want to go to college: yep
[x]Like high school: school sucks
[x]Want to get married: eventually
[x]Believe in yourself: well, somebody has to..

LAYER SIX: ( In the past month... )
[x]Drank alcohol: c'mon now.
[x]Smoked: no
[x]Done a drug: no
[x]Had Sex: every damn day
[x]Made Out: hee.
[x]Gone on a date: several
[x]Gone to the mall: nope, can't say that I have
[x]Eaten an entire box of Oreos: IT'S BEEN DONE!
[x]Eaten sushi: i almost had 'moo goo gai pan' in the pagoda, those of you that were there
[x]Been on stage: yeah man
[x]Been dumped: it sucks dude.
[x]Gone skating: years ago
[x]Made homemade cookies: yep
[x]Gone skinny dipping: indeed not
[x]Dyed your hair: always
[x]Stolen anything: no, yo tengo mucho dinero ahora mismo

LAYER SEVEN: ( Ever.. )
[x]Played a game that required removal of clothing: i forget
[x]If so, was it mixed company: heh. pervert
[x]Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: what do i look like
[x]Been caught "doing something": what the fuck.
[x]Been called a tease: haha everyday
[x]Gotten beaten up: nope
[x]Shoplifted: you asked me that already
[x]Changed who you were to fit in: never

[x]Age you hope to be married: 23-24
[x]Numbers and Names of Children: three kids
[x]Describe your dream wedding: an outdoor summer night wedding, lit only by candlelight
[x]How do you want to die: feeling accomplished
[x]Where you want to go to college: who cares
[x]What do you want to be when you grow up: happy.
[x]What country would you most like to visit: iraq

LAYER NINE (In a guy/girl..)
[x]Best eye color?: blue
[x]Best hair color?: green :)
[x]Short or long hair: short
[x]Height: taller
[x]Best weight: who cares
[x]Best articles of clothing: ?
[x]Best first date location: my house
[x]Best first kiss location: Cameo anyone? haha

[x]Number of CDs that I own: who knows
[x]Number of piercings: dos
[x]Number of tattoos: none yet
[x]Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: 3 or 4
[x]Number of scars on my body: 3 from appendicitis
[x]Number of things in my past that I regret: never regret anything. accept the truth and move on
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: from autumn to ashes

28th November 2003

1:52pm: We're consentrating on falling apart.
If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am. And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget... You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

Back in school they never taught us
what we needed to know
Like how to deal with despair
or someone breakin your heart
For twelve years I've held it all together
but a night like this is beggin to pull me apart
I played it quiet left you deep in conversation
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen
I remember I kept thinking
that I know you never would
And now I know I want to kill you
like only a best friend could

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...

As if it happening wasn't enough
I got to go and write a song
just to remind myself how bad it sucked
Ignore the sun, covers over my head
Wrote a message on my pillow that says
"Jesse, stay asleep in bed"
Don't apologize (I hope you choke and die)
Search your cell for something which to hang yourself
They say you need to pray
if you want to go to heaven
But they don't tell you what to say
when your whole life has gone to Hell

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...

So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call and end this conversation
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say "best friends" means friends forever

Is that what you call a getaway?!
Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
then when your head goes through the windshield

(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...
(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...

brand new.
Current Mood: impressed
Current Music: chevelle

20th November 2003

8:07pm: dood.
8:00, I just got home from work to an empty house. My parents are at Brian's parent teacher conferences. I feel bad for the poor kid, He tries pretty hard in school and he does twice as bad as I do and I'm three years older than him. I helped him clean his room last night and it was kind of like old times, we had this huge clean clothes fight in his room and shirts were flying everywhere. I'm proud of my whip marks. :) It was my Mom's birthday on Sunday and I bought her a gold ring for $150. It had me and Brian's birthstones in it, and I paid for it with all of my own money. Dad took me shopping and we talked, it was really nice. He took me out to dinner and told me things I will never forget. I guess that's lame to put in here but that night meant a lot to me. Confirmation is coming soon. I'm actually kind of excited. 10 years of CCD is finally coming to an end. I know it seems nowadays it's cool or something to not believe in God, but I do. I think we are all here for some kind of purpose and he has plans for us after we die. God forgives. I was so close to honor roll this term and I think I have it in the bag for next term. So excited. My so called 'anxiety' is somewhat better, I've been seeing someone to talk about shit and it's helping somehow. Twice a week and I look forward to it. Completly ironic? ON November 30th I'm going to see Zebrahead. OH MAN I'm so excited. Deftones was scary. Moshpits, fights, and the most pot i've ever seen at the same time in my life. I walked out smelling like marijuana and as deaf as helen keller. Funny as hell though, some drunk girls standing right next to me started fighting and all I heard was 'motha fuckin' bitch' over and over. The manager of the Palladium said the Deftones fans smoke the most pot than any band she has ever managed. :) So glad I went. My uncle is the bomb. 10 more days. I'm in the mood for a long hot shower.
Current Mood: content
Current Music: reunion show - alligator love trap

4th November 2003

9:05am: I want to stay 18 forever.
Ha. I sat here for a couple of minutes, thinking about this past week and what to write about. I guess I have forgotten what an awesome week this has been so far. I think it was either Wednesday or Thursday before Halloween that I made plans to hang out with Darren after school. It was raining, and I took the bus home, ready for him to call me when he was ready to come over. I got off the bus and went into Marylou's for 4 or 5 minutes, got a coffee, put on my headphones, and walked the rest of the way home in the rain. I came in the back door, soaking wet, when Darren walks out of my bathroom. Terrified. haha I don't think I'll ever forget the way my heart dropped like I was about to be murder by this huge guy. Brian let him in. The rest of the night was really good. He convinced me into watching the Ring with him and I was so scared, but I got through the whole movie only covering my eyes a couple of times, :) Scariest thing happened though, The credits were rolling and we left the room when the tape goes to static. My brother call us back into the room and we stare at the screen that went from snow to the well scene out of nowhere. IT WAS SO SCARY. Then the girl starts coming out of the well and I think I peed my pants. Damn deleted scenes. It was a good day, Darren and I stood out in my driveway when it was dark waiting for his mom to come. That was my favorite part of the night, don't tell him I said that ;) Halloween. I had to work. Bummer, man. But it wasn't that bad. All these cute little kids came in for candy and I wanted to squeeze eveyone of them to death. I love kids. I have never been at home to give out candy before so it was really cool. Anne, being the awesome friend she is had everyone visit her before they went to their party at Andrew's. It was funny, I thought Alyss, dressed up as a male truck driver, was actually a customer for a second. I haven't seen Ryan since my birthday party. After they left, I went into anxiety mode and paced the floor, worried as hell, and complaining and venting to Meaghan, the girl I always close with. I love that girl so much. She gives the best advice I have ever heard in my entire life. I wish I was more like her. Easy going yet still concerned, knows exactly what to say when to say it and also when to not say things when she shouldn't. Totally in control at all times, she saved my life that night. I went home, and at 9:01pm on Friday, Halloween night, I went to bed.

Saturday. I had to work 3-9 again the following night and I invited Alyssa to sleepover. Soo exciting, I was floating around work because I was in the best mood ever, haha. I love how we can both play CD after CD and never have any complaints. We read our horoscopes out of my famous Zolar the Zodiac book and we were freaked out as always on how true it is. She has the coolest facial expressions ever, the prettiest girl I have ever met. She answered the phone when Darren called, and we messed around with him a little bit, haha Funny as hell. She looks so cool driving.

Sunday. I love waking up to my best friends. I think I woke up around 9ish, looked over and saw Alyssa, remembered that she slept over and went to bed. haha Later on that day I had the 'Philharmonic Orchestra Concert' at the Pleasant St. Campus. I was so nervous. Tons of adults running around with their perfectly tuned instruments and Johann Sebastian Bach music sheets, I get frusterated when I am not as good as them. But Darren showed up. It meant so much to me, but I don't think I ever told him that. The music was so hard but I did pretty well. One of the most amazing feelings in the world for me is being able to sit down in an orchestra and be able to make beautiful music with the tons of people around you. My dream is to become really good and someday play at Symphony Hall. Just once. My Dad didn't come to my concert. He hasn't been around much lately. Anyways Darren drove my brother and I home so I could get out of my dress. While I was up in my room I heard Darren and Brian talking about Linkin Park. I know that Brian loves Linkin Park and Darren hates them, but he was pretending that he did. It was really cute, he is so nice to him. I love that about Darren. I spend the rest of the night at his house, but I think that night will stay in my real journal for now.

Monday. Went to school. Came home. Babysat for a little while then Mom took me food shopping, Darren was working. That made Mom feel the need to start talking to me about him. We were in an aisle when Darren whizzes by on a cart with one of his friends following behind. Mom said he was showing off, I thought that was pretty funny.

No school today. :) This house is cold.
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: deftones

27th October 2003

8:57pm: blah blah blah. Mondays suck. Today I was invisible =)
Current Mood: who knows
Current Music: count the stars

23rd October 2003

3:45pm: ah yes, the power of cheese.
today was thursday. No work. Overall today was a pretty bad day.. this is a small fraction of my glumness.
i've decided i'm not going to capitalize anything because i'm lazy as hell today =)

woke up to the annoying beeping alarm clock that has completly turned my life into some sort of robotic endless cycle that i will live by until i retire 60 years from now.

fell asleep again thinking about my lack of completed homework done last night because i was basically never home

woke up a second time to my dad angry that we were going to be late for school, great, less than five minutes to get ready

its raining, it's cold

tardy for at least the 5th time this term

feel upset

feel like i haven't had an actual conversation with darren or pretty much anyone for a very long time.

the most awkward lunch ever.

make semi-plans with darren for an hour or so but hey, it was something.. i start to feel a little better

get on bus 16 that is more than over crowded. i have to squat in the aisle with about 5 other people and someone's knees were in my back for the whole ride. my legs fall asleep fast

get off the buss into the light rain, and order a jumbo french vanilla extra extra, makes me feel that warm chest feeling i love so much

realize that i was procrastinating leaving the store because a) it was freezing and kind of raining, and b) the store makes me feel better for some weird reason. the customers and my workers always help. weird.

finally get home to an empty house, and call mom at work. i let her know about the plans with darren:

"you can't do that today."
"because first of all amanda, i hate to tell you but you already have plans with a orchestra rehersal tonight. and besides, your father and i don't want you going out on school nights anymore."

i'll spare you the rest of the conversation.

so now i sit at home, next to my empty bowl of easy mac that my cat ate while i was in the bathroom. i hope you enjoyed todays biography and learn something out of it. i'm going through some sort of pensive crisis. i'd really liek to think that i was there for all of my friends 99.9% of the time they needed me, and i always will be no matter what, but where are they now? i wish i had something happy to type about. i'll be back with something, i promise. haha oh did i mention i'm working until nine on halloween? um, ya.
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: i.. wanna rock and roll all night........ and party everyday

16th October 2003

8:12pm: my cat bites me.
Rediscovered Incubus today. Today was glorious. Went to school, came home to an empty house with nowhere to go, no one to see, awesome. I'm really hesitant to say I miss that alot. I mean, I feel so overloaded lately, I'm trying to squeeze in all these things and I feel like I have deadlines all over the place when I really don't! I've got 6 hours of school, 6 hours of work, constant homework and projects, limited family time, (never thought i'd live to see the day..) fitting in Darren-Days, trying desperatly to schedule a doctors appointment for this 'anxiety,' I need some alone time. Some sleep time. The doctor told me to stop taking hot showers because my low blood pressure will make me faint standing up. Scary, huh? I thought so too. Trying to save time for friends is becoming dangerously scarce and that scares the shit out of me. I haven't picked up my violin in weeks and that alone makes me want to have a nervous breakdown. I seriously need to get away. My new manager want's to start schedualing me in the mornings.. she says everyone is quitting because of school so she needs me to cover. I'm only 16 and working almost as much as my parents. I can't take it anymore, I can't breathe. I came home from 7 hours at Marylou's yesterday, trudged into the house, ate as much as I could when I wasn't in the mood for food at all.. and then my Dad asks me to start up the laundry. Actual tears start to well up when I start thinking about all the things I need to do and how i'll never get it done. I stayed up all night that day. I did homework in my work clothes from 930 to 12, for some reason I can't stay focused on anything and it takes me twice as long to even breathe. I'm complaining to a website, how incredibly sad. Anywho, I better go before AOL's parental controls my father felt the need to set me up with kicks me offline.. great, another deadline to worry about. (online sarcasm) I think i'll go and dust off my violin instaead of finish this homework right now. Oh, I can hear it's sweet sound through these paper walls already. la la la la.. Now is the time I wish I could write songs. Adios :)
Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: Incubus.
2:58pm: written on 10/14
My walk lately has been more like a trudge. I can't help but say the word in my head while I walk.. I just got home from Darren's house, his mom makes crack brownies; they're so addicting ;) Things have been going well lately; alot has been going on as this sickness i've got going on is getting worse everyday.. it's to the point where i'm praying it's anxiety and not something else. I guess i'll recap this weekend, in all it's glory.

Friday night, spent at Anne's house. It was nice to talk to someone again, i've been more bottled up lately than a shaken soda bottle, and she kind of revived me, always has always will. I love my Anne Marie. We went to Newbury and I spent all of my money I've been saving up with this job. Spending money makes me so happy. I don't know about anyone else but when i'm having a crappy day I'll just go spend some moolah and I practically am 100% cured; at least until I snap back into reality.

The past couple of days have made me think about Allison. My buddy, I miss you. We never fought, and when we did it was over something stupid that we could laugh about later on.. haha God, Allison and I fit together like glue, I truly miss that about her. Come back to me..

Ok so Saturday. Well wait. So Anne and I talk until the cows come home and I actually think we fell asleep talking. That's when my Mom comes to get me at 1 am, and I crawl into bed around 2, after almost falling asleep standing up in the shower. This low blood pressure has killed me. I was so tired, but I managed to stay awake until 3 and think about things. 'It will all be over soon, your just over analizing things' they say to me. Ok fine. Sure. When you don't feel like yourself, you just know it. Saturday. Slept in until about 9. Ha. I use the term 'sleeping in' because I never in my life wake up late. On a normal school day I wake up normal time, (6-7) and lie there in bed until I get sick and tired of doing nothing. My mom is worried about me. She says she knows something is wrong and I wont tell her what. 'Amanda. [long pause] What's the matter with you.' 'It's fine Mom, I'm just being tortured.' 'By me?' 'No. Nevermind.' So, she knows me pretty well. She takes me shopping. I'm talking powerwalking, buy everything you see shopping. I have to give her credit. I felt better. I love my Mom's corny jokes that attempt to make me smile. Always work for some reason.. moving on.

Work from 3 - 9, Marylou's I have to say, I love my job. Everything about it, the work, the girls, the customers, having something to dao, everything about it. It takes me out of my life for 6 hours and completly takes my mind off everything. I can't even think of an anxiety moment while I was working. And I love the visitors. Well.. most of them anyways. Darren comes in every once in a while and completly makes my night. You know your doing something right when your guy is your best friend. There's something about him that I love. I love it when his Mom tells me he's spoiled and he gets really defensive. I love his smirk.. and the way he walks, and how thirteen chimes start going off when the clocks on on the hour. ;) God love his mother. Knick knack queen, she has the best halloween decorations ever. Anyways back to Marylou's, it's not even the money anywmore, I go there to get away from life and feed random people coffee. There's all these certain guys that come in sometimes twice while i'm working. There's 'Frappe Guy' who now comes in and i don't even have to ask what he wants anymore.. what a great feeling, haha just kidding. I love frappe guy. And the blonde lady that calls me twinkle toes for some ungoldy reason. And even that fat old girl that look like she hasn't washed her hair for days. She comes in, no exaggeration, 9 to 10 times a day buying the same two lottery tickets over and over, winning NOTHING. I feel bad sometimes, she should be spending her money on other things, like replacing that really obvious missing tooth.

Sunday. Once or twice a year my family drives to Rhode Island and walks arund this huge 7 floor mall with nice restaurants and stuff, and this year my brother took this girl he likes. Dad offered to take Darren since we had room. Sunday morning, I wake up at 6 ready to pick him up and go. I do that to myself alot, getting so excited about a day that I wake up super early. So I spent the whole entire day with the person who makes me happier than anyone else. We ate these hubongous pizzas across from each other when these old people sit down at the same table as us and start eating. FREAKY! So this is our our conversation continued something similar to this: "So Amanda, I got laid last night." "Oh really? I was too busy getting insanly high with my lesbian chick." "Yea I think I got this dude pregnant." "Sweet, I think i'm pregnant." "With Who?" "I don't know, you Dad maybe? Or was that your mom.... or both....." haha funny as hell. So, later on we see School of Rock. I love watching movies with Darren. He makes every single part twice as funny as it is. There was one part about crack and he laughed so hard, but he was basically the only one that laughed at it, so it seemed twice as loud. And we got on this elevator with a black guy that kept saying 'nigga what?' haha Yea. It was an awesome day. Definitly one of my favorites. I feel like writing until my fingers fall off.

School. I brought a semi-ok report card home to thr rents. At first they were really critical, and started nit picking the bad things that were there. Then I told them they were being ridiculous and how much I worked for those grades and they eased up. There's nothing worse than never satisfied parents; the ones that expect way much more than you could ever give them and your feel you can never make them proud of you. They'll never say it. My report card was basically A's and B's, what I told myself I wanted for years now, there are two classes and on this narrow wall and I could fall off and second now. Taking honors spanish was such a mistake, it's so hard for me and I don't know why. Vocab is easy and I know a shit load of words and all that other fun stuff but her tests and quizzes are bull. Fuck you Mrs. Blackburn... you too Mr. Buse. Yo tengo pene largo. MUY largo.

It's getting late. This song on repeat is getting old; along with the pictures on my wall..
Buena Noche. ;)
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: reel big fish does wonders in a mood like this.

23rd September 2003

4:16pm: It's raining and this is my first time online in about a week. Things have been kind of blah latelyI haven't hung out with Anne Alyssa or Emy since the 'Friday Night of Hell,' which was a little more than two weeks ago. The fun part of the weekend begins tomorrow though. After school I'll be with Darren for the first time in a week. We are going to make a fort out of blankets. haha yea, I miss him. I only saw him once at school today and it was right as my bus was going to drive away without me again. Tomorrow will rock, I've been waiting for it for like, 3 or 4 days. And FRIDAY! Oh man, it's Amanda and Emy night. Sleepover of the year, I can't wait I can't wait. 15 hours of boy talk, just like always. ;)

Your just jealous 'cause we're young and in love...
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Rx Bandits - Infection

18th September 2003

9:52am: And if I hurt you, then i'm sorry.. please don't think this was easy
I woke up. I came downstairs. I took my steriods and showered. Then I re-covered myself in greasy creams. I drank two vanilla cokes in a row. I put on a CD. I ate. I studied. I thought. Then I paced the house. After that I turned on the TV. 3 mintues later I shut it off. I came on the computer. I'm bored. Why am I up so early.

I've been feeling good latley actually. Things have been going smoothly and I like it; it's rare but welcomed. I haven't left the house since I had my doctors appointment two days ago and I am itchy to escape. Literally ;) I have never been so bored in my entire life but I'd rather be here doing nothing than be at school doing something. I can't remember the last time i've been absent from school, my Dad was always a freak about attendance. I always use to get those 'Perfect Attendance' certificates K-4, haha That's my father for you. Overcontrolling no doubt. Writing is hard when you haven't left the house for days. I'm trying really hard. Ah yes. Emy and Anne visited me yesterday. I was so happy. I stayed in my pajamas all day long, alone for over 7 hours, and I awated their arrival from the time I woke up. Creepy. It was the only thing I had to look forward to. Anyways I was really glad to see them but I looked horrible. I felt even more discusting. I had the feeling like there was this bubble of disease surrounding my whole body and I couldn't get too close to any of them. Which is fine I guess, I just didn't feel good. They were u in my room and Anne and Emy talked to each other for a long time; I kind of just sat there, not calling too much attention to myself, trying hard not to complain as much as possible about exactly how this feeling of fire was taking over my whole upper body. I don't want to be discusting anymore. I haven't touched anyone in a week. It's hard to explain. Your contagious. Your discusting. No one wants to be too close to you. I don't know, I'm overreacting possibly, I just want it to be over. Ok i'm starting to ramble.

First of all my mother didn't know they were at my house. I figured they would be gone by the time she got home but the hours passed quickly and soon enough, as Anne's mother was pulling out of the driveway, my mother was pulling in. I sat down on the couch and prayed she wouldn't yell at me TOO badly. She walked into the house and stopped in front of the doorway. "Company?" I slowly turned and looked at her. She was smiling. Why? Who knows. I'd like you to meet my new mother. She has changed drastically. I welcome it with open arms, and I love her. For now anyways

5 sodas and 3 soap opera episodes. Someone please come and rescue me!
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: something corporate - hurricane

17th September 2003

10:53am: warm walls, warm heart, cold feet.
-Sigh- Home alone, absent from school, and feeling the mood to vent. First of all I woke up in my room to an empty house. This house hugs me, I don't care what anyone says. I know it's small, I know it's old. But it is a part of me, I have been here for 13 years and It's filled with memories and images. I love being alone in this house, it knows me more than anyone. Personification, but still. I should name this house. I feel love from this house, and I only get that feeling when I am home alone. Bring on the secret pathways. Anywho. I've been reminiscing about friends while i lie on my back in bed, straying my mind from the pain that is taking over my whole upper body. Yesterday Darren and I lied on my bedroom floor and I started talking about my friends and how they have changed so much, some good and some bad. I've getten to a point with him where i feel like I could tell him anything. It's an amazing point in life. Anyways, my circle of friends has really got me thinking. First of all, I started thinking about Alyssa. The most mysterious one of my friends. Ever since i first saw her i wanted to be friends with her, she's that type of bubbly person. But you can't really go up to someone and tell them you want to be their closest pal. That would make life so much easier though. She has an amazing way of thinking, and I love her. More than ever. I though back to my sleepover. I shared more information with the three girls in the room then ever before. I felt this indescribable feeling. Anything could be said. It was just understood, okay, here is your three closet friends. And nothign you will say to them will ever leave their minds, and will never leave their mouths. This is friendship. Amazing. Then Emy began to talk about philosophies about why things are the way they are. Probably the most intricate conversation I've ever listened to. I would love to spend a day in her mind.. Wherever someone sees a tree, Emy will be thinking of how long it has been there and why it is there in the first place. Another beautiful masterpiece, I love her too. Probably one of my most confident friends. I long for her confidence. To say what she wants when she wants to and be able to back it up when people like me question it. I will know her for the rest of my life. She is walking over here after school with Anne to pick up something she left here at my party, weird thing is I look horrible, and I feel comfortable with her seeing me in this discusting state. I know she wont make me feel as discusting as I probably look. She is part of my family, I will argue that until the day I die. On that note, I need to eat, and take my steriods. Heh. Being alone feels good sometimes.
Current Mood: alone with my thoughts
Current Music: i hear my violin.

16th September 2003

9:19am: ok fine. be that way.
poison ivy SUCKS. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. I hate to start off an entry complaining about this, when the past week has been nothing short of amazing, but seriously, I am in so much pain right now. During my birthday party here at the house, eight of us crossed the street and went over to the park to kill time. Most of us were trudging around in the woods, were the poison ivy was all over the place. I should have known. No one else got it; just me. I'm assuming when they were all taking pictures in my bed and on my pillow with their clothes everywhere, I slept on it and killed myself. It was about 4:45 a.m. Monday morning when i started to have a dream that I was asking my mom for help. I wanted her to get some cream for my 'mosquito bites' all around my neck.. and she wouldn't listen to me. I remember the dream so well, she was talking to other people and not listening to my cries of pain. Then I woke up. It took me a couple of minutes lying in bed to realize my neck really did feel the way it did in my dream. I flicked on the light and ran to the mirror. Horryfied, my face and neck was covered in red bumps. What the hell. I went and woke up my Mom, and she told me I got hives from stress and to go back to bed.. instead I walked downstairs, and took a really long shower before the sun was anywhere in sight and that's when I realized it was poison ivy all over me. Mom covered me in Calamine lotion and sent me to school. I could never express how embarrassing it was for me. Some people were sympathetic, some people were silent, some people mentioned it to me over and over again with what seemed like smiles across their faces.. I am in so much pain. I feel like I am holding a match to my face in like, 18 different spots. THIS SUCKS DUDE. Well anyways, Mom got home from work and took me shopping with my birthday money. I felt like the whole mall was staring at me. I felt like the hunchback of notre dam and how he hid in his cave because he didn't want anyone to look at him. I could hide forever.. imagine if this was permanent! Oh jeez. So in the middle of the food court with my Mom when it gets really bad and the tears just start flowing. We went to CVS and bought this 40 dollar stuff and prayed to god it would work. I have to scrub my face and neck with it for 1 minute then wash it off. I swear it feels like sand in a tube, but I guess I feel better. Mom bought me 4 CD's yesterday, so I'm overjoyed.

I've decided to not say much about my party. Everyone thanks for your gifts. Thoughtful as hell in your own individual ways, I love you guys more than life. Never forget that reatrded girl. She is probably somewhere in Asia by now.. haha GUILT jk I saw her walking down the street yesterday so it's all good. What an awesome awesome day. I'm without words. Emy your present was beautiful, i'll cherish it forever. Promise.

Darren wants me to hang out with him today.. there's no school. woohoo! My Mom said it was okay and it was actually me who told her I was afraid to go. It was almost like she is forcing me to, which is weird. My neck and face doesn't even hurt that much anymore, it just LOOKS horrible. Thankfully, there is only one patch of it to thr ight of my mouth on my cheek, but it is slowly going away as the hours pass. I am so self concious right now. My mom's told me to stop being ridiculous, it's not that bad. Remember that Batman movie that came out years ago where one of the charactures was 'two-face' and one side of his face was normal and the other was all mangy? haha That's how I feel right now. It isn't that bad, thank god. I better get going. Maybe now that I feel beter I can get some sleep. Heh. ya right. Later

Ok, I felt the need to come back as the day progressed. Still in as much pain as when I left, but I feel lighter somehow. Darren was here from like, 11 to 3, and honestly when he said he was coming over I was afraid. My cheek neck and lips covered in discusting bumps I will save the world from not describing. But he didn't care, which impressed be beyond belief. I felt so ugly and I didn't want anyone to come near me, It was that kind of day to begin with, but he really completes me; and I felt that today more than ever. I really feel so strongly about him. HA, we have gotten in trouble with my parents endless times and he's still around. Amazing. Speaking of parents my Dad picked me up at 4 and took me to the doctors office. We sat in the waiting room for [no exaggerating] 3 hours. When the doctor finally called me in, he hugged me because i just started bawling at that point. Thing with me is if i start crying, it's pretty bad. I don't cry evry often, and when I do, it's a mixture of everything that has gone on in my life since I last cried. I had a feeling that something other than the poison ivy was not making me feel right though, and they knew it too. I'd rather not get into detail here, but internally something is wrong, and once this poison is gone, I need to go back and have my blood tested. I'm kind of scared. I'll write later.
Current Mood: embarrassed
Current Music: Sum 41 - Crazy Amanda Bunkface

28th August 2003

6:24pm: she walked alone into the dark.. there's no turning back
I haven't written in a while, and for good reasons. Life has been kind of hectic since I got back from my trip, and I weclome it. I think i'll back track and start from the beginning. Sunday morning, Anne, Allison, her parents and I woke up around 4:50, packed up, and headed to the Oakland Airport. The sky is beautiful over there. There are hills taller than the Redwood trees and they were covered in lights of the houses that lived there. It was still dark and I was full of mixed emotions. I wanted to go home. the way my Mom cried on the phone when she said she missed me, the way she Fed Exed things to the house with little notes covered with smiley faces and hearts, I missed her. And even though Dad was still mad about the whole beach thing, he made the effort to call me during the week too. It was very different to me being so far away from my parents, things are never like that for me. They are always close by; whether I like it or not, they always will be. This was such an experience, it was great seeing Allison again. I remember the first day Anne and I got there, and it was really awkward, and I felt like things have changed so much.. but the days went on, we got further into the week, and the three of us have barley changed at all. We had so much fun, and we were together again, after one year apart. And god, sightseeing. We were barely home at all, which was awesome.. I am so glad I went. At the end of the week, we went to Height and Ashbury, and it was one of those places where i can't tell if it was good to experience it, or maybe it freaked me out way to much. No one was really talking that day, it was quiet during some of the walking. I walked behind Anne and Allison, and looked around at the faces surrounding me. Hippes, gays, homeless, all of the above, it was so different from home. It was like a mix of San Fran, Boston, and New York combined. They were guys who woould say things like 'hey baby' to me as they walked by, and when i turn around to see how said it, i see a black hairy dirty man with this discusting smile on his face. My stomach turned and I felt sick; but I kept walking. I didn't even tell Allison and Anne about it until after.. mostly because it was the second time it happened in the past two hours. We also went to Peir 39, full of Sea Lions and awesome shops.. so cool, all we did was shop, my favorite thing to do. Actually we window shopped most of the time, I came with 300 and left with 90 something. haha Allison was my best friend, and we lasted one year and miles away. Amazing. That brings me to the plane ride.

Our first flight was from Oakland to Chicago. Anne sat in the middle of the three seats, and I sat in the aisle. Next to Anne was this Muslim type woman with tattoed black fingertips and red fingernails. So different, I won't forget that. In the Chicago Airport, we basically ran to the next Gate and didn't talk for the whole time, which was weird. I guess we were tired. But we ordered Cinnabuns and looked around at the people until our plane was ready. The next trip surprised me. Anne had the window seat, and I sat in the middle with this normal father, sitting away from his family on the other side of the plane. I saw his eyes out of the corner of my eye, every time the seat belt light came on, he'd sneak a peak to make sure I had mine on. And he held my cup for me while I dug for my CD player. I didn't mind, I missed my father a lot. I looked over to my right at Anne. She sat there, head phones on, filling out crossword puzzles. I felt so emotionally attached to her, we have been through so much together and she never ceases to amaze me. What a beautiful person she is, inside and out. I wondered what she was thinking about, I wanted to get inside her head, some people do that to me. I wonder if she had a good time like I did. That's what I did for the whole plane ride, which differed this rides from the other ones. No music, no writing, no reading. Thinking. About people and situations. 3 hours. I think I need to do this every one in a while to figure out shit going on and people around me. The plane ride was over quicker than we got in.

My parents met me at the gate, Mom had tears running down her face, and my dad gave me the familiar hug I was taking for granted ever since then. We headed to the car for our 1 hour drive back to Weymouth. I looked out the window the ride home, Anne was still being really quiet. Everything looked so familiar again, which was a good feeling. Street signs, hills, sky, even license plates, sometimes I am so naive. We dropped off Anne, and her mother gaver Anne a hug that I got at the airport from my mom, I was so happy, not only did she get hugs, her family gave me hugs too, GRAM KISSED ME! haha I'll never forget that, good 'ol Gram. Then my family took me out to dinner.

On to Monday. One of the coolest days ever. I asked Mom if I could have some people over when I got back, and she agreed. So around 1sh on Monday, Darren Anne and Ryan came over. The weird thing about this was neither of my parents were home; I was so confused. Since when does my mom not only allow girls over when no one is home, but guys.. haha wow I figured she was putting me to the test or something. Darren helped me set up the tent and we hung out until 5ish.. I'm biting my lip right now, I want to type about it. The worst feeling in thw rold is hoilding back when you want to talk. Someone will understand. Anyways, Alyssa and Emy show, and Ryan and Darren leave. It's been a while since the four of us hung out, and actually made it through the night.. I was sooo happy. I had such an awesome time, and I wouldn't trade the memories made that night for anything. I love them, I really do. My parents stayed out of our way, i'm grateful.. We ate so much food.

Now school. Regretfully coming up sooner than i thought, I whipped out my calander and realized that summer is officially over. I'm terrified. Sick to my stomach with the thought of a new school. And I don't know why. Emy is the only one who feels the same way as I do, everyone else is kind of itchy to go back. For some reason I am just scared; I figured it's kind of like moving. Your surroundings ripped from underneath you, no options at all. I'm going to be so lost. But, I'm determined to do good this year. I refuse to birng home another bad report card, actually, I have no choice. This is the year I promised myself. My mom took me out to dinner recently and we talked about what I can do to bring up my grades. She is allowing me to study with people any day of the week. Emy and Anne. I made a pact with the both of them we would help each other, as corny as that sounds, I hope it works.I figured out something about myself though. My grades depended on the teacher completly. If I didn't like the teacher, It was almost like I didn bad on purpose. Like I was satisfied thinking if I didn't do their homework, they'd be angry or something. It's the opposite. Teachers could care less what you do in their class, and if they hate you, and you do good, it's practically their worst nightmare to but an A in the book next to a name they hate. Beat the system. I want to do good this year. Maybe my Mom will ease up EVEN MORE. haha I think I'm ready for school now.

A - Biology CP w/ Buse 116
B - Spanish H w/ Blackburn 131
C - Gym 1 - 2 / Study 3 - 6
D - Math CP w/ Cheyne
E - English CP w/ Coughlin 218
F - Foods w/ Corcoran 101a
G - World History CP w/ Schlicting
Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: reel big fish

23rd August 2003

11:34am: packing day.
Current Mood: naughty
Current Music: eh.

20th August 2003

7:13pm: yellowcard rocks. i long for my violin.
The past couple of days sucked. JK It's been 'hella' awesome. It's soo good to see Allison again and Anne and I continue to grow as sisters, which rocks. Let's see, we did soo much, it's awesome. It was funny when Anne pulls out her suitcase which seems to be about half the size of mine and probably half as heavey too; we decicided to nickname mine 'the beast.' haha We started off on Sunday, I drove to Anne's house at 3 AM and we began our seemingly 10 minute drive to Providence, RI. Acctually it wasd about an hour drive, but even thought it was so early and the both of us got about an hour sleep, we managed to recite Tommy Boy from beggining to end, amusing everyone in the car. It was so early and I was not tired in the least. The first plane to Wasjington DC was scary and my eyes filled with tears on take-off. It had to have been the smallest plane I ever ever seen in my life and it was a super bumpy ride. But Anne and made light of the hole situation by stealing the barf bags and acting out the plane scene from Brady Bunch, hahaha Awesome. Moving along, the next plane was to Oakland and we saw Allison for the first time in about a year. Almost nothing has changed. We fit together well; always have and always will. Monday we woke up early and drove to 'Big Sur' To sum it up quickly it was a gigantic cliff that we stood on the ledge of, looking down onto the beach with amazingly huge waves. Then we walked down the hill into the huge water. That's when I got my shoes wet by accidently and decided, what the hell, i'll just go in.. The waves towered like nothing I have ever seen before. On Tuesday we went shopping Del Monte center, and I spent almost half of the 300 I brought along with me. We did some other stuff too. That night we stayed at a friend of Allison's mother in Monterey. It was an absolutly, no exageration, beautiful house.. the three of us had our own room and stayed up talking about our men the whole night, which rocked. In the morning we had to take an outside shower, it was so exotic.. surrounded by these beautiful trees with purple flowers and halfway in this hut type thing, it was so cool. After, we went to the Bordwalk, and went on all the fast rides, which is a first for me defintily. Allison and Anne coaxed me into the tallest roller coaster by bribing me with $1.50 haha And I did it. Today we walked aroun Pier 39 and shopped some more. We ate at the Hard Rock Cafe and sat next to this awesome red quitar signed by Pearl Jam.. It was so fun. Tiring, awesome. This week has been amazing. I finally got to talk to Darren yesterday, and Anne didn't fail to mention the smile on my face for the whole conversation hahaha I guess that's what happens. It's been what seems like forever since I last talked to him, and I felt so much better afterwards. I really missed him. Suppousidly he's going to come to the Providence Airport with Ryan to meet us when we come home but we'll see. We got a quick look at the golden gate bridge, we'll go back and see it better later in the week, but I should probably go. Allison's friend is coming over in a couple minutes to meet us I guess, haha Anne says, 'because we're so damn cool.' hahaha peace. -Amanda
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Yellowcard - Breathing
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