thinking...   
03:22pm 30/09/2003
 
mood: impressed
music: Blue Pearl; "can you feel the passion"
*takes deep breath* & *exhales*
i must confess i am such a mess. i want more and i'm very sure. i feel alone. what more's to be done? why am i this way? someone hold me today!
don't forget me, set me free! show me the path full of love filled laughs. love me love...don't ever leave. feel my heart but don't rip it apart. i'm lettin go, lettin you see my soul... catch it please... for you i'll be...

*****

baby- you are not like any other.
you make me feel SO put together.
you help me grow and this i know
that you are so special and incredibly graceful.
you may not see it but i do
you made me believe and now i'm fallin for you.
i feel more strength when you're near.
i'm wanting to give you love
because you drive me so fucking crazy dear.
i want you to have this. me.
my mind heart and soul
keep them safe and love them well, they are precious
as you well know.
so we come from different worlds
it really doesn't matter
we have our music
which makes "us" a whole lot better
"us" together .. ahh
what a romantic dream
a perfect match or so it seems to me..
do you feel the same or is it all in my head???
shall i still dream or leave it for dead???
we are destined to be can't you see?!
2 beautiful creatures... with ONE AMAZING future
however it may be
it will not end..
either with great sorrow or even bitterness

there is just so much love
felt deep.. so deep down
so why take the chance to ignore and leave it alone?

i feel it i feel it!! i'm sure you do too
this is too magnificent
i'm certain it's all true...

listen. please listen
I LOVE YOU,
so let's take that path
our love- "us"
that which is destined
 
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me ....   
08:46pm 11/09/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: the thump thump in my chest...
~
i look at myself in the mirror but i just see a simple girl
a girl who's not seen as simple but complicated.
and how people see me makes me believe more and more
that maybe i am complicated.

i stare into my soft brown eyes
they've never lost their innocent look
and i start to weep.
i weep for everything in my life
for all that's happened
good and bad
happy and sad
i weep and weep
tears streak both cheeks
gliding down unto my neck
down to the middle of my chest
my nose turns red
my eyes filled with intensity
i just don't understand- i speak to myself in thought and wonder... hope...
but fail b/c i begin to weep again

i feel many a time i go unnoticed
even though i turn heads every which way i go.
i feel alone even though i have the love and support of my family
i feel unloved b/c i have not felt that lasting touch of a man who lovingly caresses your hand
or gently brushes his lips against mine
a man that i can make myself vulnerable to

i hope and hope and sometimes
i feel it is not enough
not enough for me to go on
Each day
i struggle to live
Each day
is a new beginning
yet it feels like the end of me

my body and mind are one
so when one thing frustrates the other reacts
but mostly it is stress
stress that causes instant tension
tension that fills my body and mind
tension that has not found a way to escape me.

what can i do?
what is it that can help me?
i have not found it
i'm still in search
and ever so hopeful....
~



~
streaming tears
are my waterfalls
my cascades of sadness
it never fails
i feel lost
and all i have left are these tears

glistening eyes
filled with tears
how beautifully shaped and brown they are
these glistening eyes

this heart so strong
yet so weak
blood flowing and flowing
but blood without that drive
the strive
for that beautiful thing called love...

this mind so complicated
but only needing one simple thing
such a simple solution
but complicated to grasp in an instant
an instant i feel may not be lived
i need to heal
i need time
time....
time for love....
 
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heehee   
10:42am 09/09/2003
 
mood: flirty
music: wheel goes round; Bridgestone Tire Commercial :)
last night i uh... tried callin my best friend but she didn't live there anymore. HAHA. i thought it would happen much later. not now. anyway. i call her brother and find out they moved in together with her b/f in a nice apt. i was really happy for them. so i get to talkin to her bro. who's less than a year younger than me. and we talked like old times. happily and very silly. i had SO MUCH fun. it went on for about 2-3 hours. i had forgotten how well we got along. :) i kept wondering how he looked now. i hadn't seen him in almost a year and i'm sure he grew a bit more. he even has a goatee! how adorable. we did exchange addresses though and email addys. heehee. he's sending me a picture and maybe some other stuff. this will be fun. we'll see what happens. his birthday's in november... and he wants me to go... should i? but i still have to figure out if i work then... or if i'll have money... hmmm... more on that next time...

anyshmoomoos. damn. lost my train-o-thought....
 
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again... GCM   
10:13am 09/09/2003
 
mood: relaxed
music: ice cream truck music...
i saw him... and it was great seein him again. but i knew right when i saw him across the street that it wasn't gonna happen between us. we're just gonna be friends is what i thought. and that's how it went at the beginnin. i thought yea! this is fine. but like i said i thought would happen. he was all over me. he hugged me so much and kissed me... but not on the lips. i wasn't ready for that. am i a hypocrite? maybe i hyped myself too much before seein him. thinkin it would be like i imagined when it really wasn't. but still i didn't push him away. not physically. i liked his hugs. and i know he needed to hug me. there was so much that went on in his life. in mine. we needed that closeness anyway. so we're friends and everything's ok.

my neck is killin me cuz i couldn't sleep well. and i heard so much cryin last night. not mine. someone else's. and i think that's what tensed me up so much that i have a cramped neck. grr... i need to figure out why there was so much crying. it made me sad :(

on a better note... i have a new friend. pleasant to talk to. funny to listen. great conversation really. and i'm happy about that. we're still gettin to know each other. and there's a mutual liking already so that's awesome. and i'm sure we'll be hangin out very soon!! woohoo!
 
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GCM...   
09:57am 04/09/2003
 
mood: sympathetic
music: The Legend of Billie Jean
so GCM and i talked alot last night. i felt so much closer to him and i really wanted to hug him... but i couldn't hehe. the phone was in the way. he told me so much that i knew only parts of about his life. i couldn't believe all of what he said. i mean i did. but it was just so sad and angry. i wanted to make it all better. at least to make HIM feel a little better. he just seemed bitter about his life. i don't want him to look at it that way. hopefully i can change a little about how he thinks of his life later today... make him see the better side of things... well journal. until after GCM and i ... i'll come back to you...
 
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my buddy!!   
10:51pm 03/09/2003
 
mood: excited
music: photographia; Juanes
OMG OMG OMG!!! My buddy GCM is coming to visit me tomorrow!!! OMG OMG OMG!!! I had a big crush on him in high school. and we've kept in touch somehow through other people and now we're gonna see each other again!! It's been 3 years!! I am soooooooooo HappY!! What's gonna happen?? Are we gonna get "together"?! What's gonna happen I mean he's coming over to my HOUSE... man the latin grammys... my baby Juanes was singing- he is so freakin gorgeous-.... anyway back to GCM!! He's had an even bigger crush on me... uh oh. what if he's all over me?! MwUAHAHAHAHAHAH! that would be SOO TOTALLY FRIGGIN AWESOME..... MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! ... ok I gotta watch those HOmeBoys ---> the CuMbia KinGs...
 
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so very strange...   
06:51pm 03/09/2003
 
mood: uncomfortable
music: behind every good woman; Tracy Bonham
but then aren't dreams supposed to be? the other night i had one especially weird one. it starts off with me on inlines chasing a guy on a street called Hudson. i lose him in the chase but the neighborhood was nice. i give up and just walk around a bit. *no more skates on* but that doesn't last. that dream ends and i go into another. this time i'm looking for (get this) EMiNeM's House! not that i'm really into him or anything ... anyhoo... there's lots of signs and graffiti on the outside and posters of his name. which really should indicate that it really wasn't his house right? but that didn't discourage me. somehow i find a way in. and of course no one's home. i go out the front door for some reason and just wait out there for awhile. then i see this janitor type looking guy with a broom in his hand. except it wasn't an ordinary guy. i recognized him. but i couldn't put my finger on it. i did notice that he had a fake grey wig on and a fake grey mustache. he saw me and i started for the door again. to ask him something.. anything... but he runs into a room. and i follow of course. hey i'm interested! i want answers! so i follow and catch him. and he takes off his wig and it was David Spade! hehe. he said it was his hideout and made it seem like EMiNeM was supposed to live there. *whatever* except that David in my dream was younger than he really is. which is cool :) . *yes i like him quite a bit (still wondering about his sexual orientation but who cares!)* so then. we get to know each other... it gets dark... and well what can i say we get a little closer. it seemed in the dream that we "went together" LMAO ... so yea... we cuddled and stuff... lol... i thought he was so adorable... he gave me a cell phone which was really weird. hehe... nothing happened though... we were about to kiss... but then i jumped into another dream. ... i'm not happy with the next one... i was watching an older woman (about 40ish) talk about her problems to my english professor in a car LOL !! (he's not my professor anymore but some info about him *46ish, piercing blue eyes, white beard, white hair kinda long, not bad looking*) anyway... he comforts her and tell her she's beautiful and blah blah blah. i was getting bored. i guess maybe that's when it changed. i was in the picture now. i was next to my professor in the back while the lady drove... i have no idea where we were goin... ugh... forget it ... i can't go on! ... it's just that the next part was weird... maybe disgusting... well... he starts talking to me... tellin me god knows what i dont' remember ... then he leans on me and well... i embrace him... but then ... uuuuuuuuugh... lol... he feels me up!! OMG... what kind of dream is this? when your professor feels you up! i'm thinkin this was what he really wanted to do... i've seen him give me those "i want u so bad even though you're much younger and my student and it might make me look like a pervert but let me not make it noticeable" kind of looks... there were some other things "I" did in the dream To "him" but i cannot say!! it pains me to even think about it!! .. AHHHH!!!!!!....
 
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