Blurty for im a loner, im a loser, im a winner in my mind..

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Thursday, September 30th, 2004

Time:11:24 am.
Mood: bored.
Music:tv.... will smith A-2-Z.... THERES NOTING ELSE ON!!!.
You are a Scar..
You are strong and deep...Most people are afraid of
you ,but it's just your look! Sure,you can hurt
(and give a lot of pain..) but ,aren't you

What kind of Body-modification are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

gold heart
Heart of Gold

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, September 28th, 2004

Subject:david - you come back as if you were always there
Time:9:35 pm.
Mood: chipper.
Music:was ashlee ashley on the phone... now nothing.
man... i dont have my cds... i forgot them in davids car. *sad*sad* ive had a pretty good night tonight. ive been at davids since uh 330. yay... we watched strangland... ( i dont have that either since its in my cd case in his car at his house) and i pointed out all the flaws... and he found one i didnt find... i knew something was up with that newspaper tho. lol. then we watched the comentary... dee snider is really awesome... hehehehe. then we went an ate dinner (spagetti) it was better then my mommys. maybe becuase the aroma of sausage wasnt around. then talked and stuff with david... *giggle* i wuv you!! hehehehhehee.... my mom didnt cut my hair yet, i think she might tomrmow. maybe i can get someone to hang over at my house so then my mom can cut it before youth group since we dont have school. YAYA!!! last night i talked to roos... i miss him so much. i cant wait till he moves down here so we can hang out and talk easier since hes long distance. it was great listen to you and your DOG.... with it making those funny noises!!! lol hm. i went to town center mall last night with david, then on the way home we held hands.... hehehhehehee... im on the phone with ashley right now.... lol.. its odd... just a little... lol just kidding. mwahahahhaha... hey pam i hope eric agrees to DATE you... lol... hope you have fun with him. hmmm well im going to go now... talk to ashley some more... UH OH... ADAMS IN TROUBLE... lol... well nitenite loves... call me someone.. and i love you david!!! *giggles* if you read this before you talk me to... DONT FORGET MY CDS.... i NEEEEED them... and that dvd... i might die. lol... byebye.....
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Monday, September 27th, 2004

Time:9:38 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:none.... roos is on the phone... AND MY NOSE IS ITCHY!!.
happy happy joy joy..... i love you david.!!!!! (town center mall.... GOD SPRITE... we didnt see the sign... we swear.... and loving the 4 hot gay guys in the back seat!!!)

happy happy joy joy..... i love you roos.!!!!! (thanks for calling i was worried about you.... i love you!!!!)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, September 26th, 2004

Subject:im off again in my world, ill take some time and mellow out.
Time:8:19 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Music:avril - let go.
wow, im listening to avrils old cd, and she sounds so different. she sounds so much younger. probably becasue she was. lol. i had to clean the back yard from all the leaves and shit on the ground and i was listening to story of the year. that first song that was on the radio reminds me of mykel, so does taking back sunday. its really intersting i believe. its kinda like.... mind boggling. lol. whatever i ment by that last sentence i have NO idea. lol. i was talking to rosses sister, alex, shes really cool, i hope she accepts my offer in becoming her really good friend. lol. thatd be soo interesting. shes given me some interesting things to ponder about. i hope shes not just saying im really cool and everything, but i guess thats just my paranoia speaking! hm. ive been thinking alot about many things. someone has told me recently that im not like myself, i havent been since the first storm Frances. maybe because i i was locked up in my house for 2 weeks with my parents and no power. i was talking to my mom, and i said something about not being able to not be in a realationship for very long, because im VERY dependent and i feel like im missing a part of me, and when im in a relationship i feel like i ALWAYS have someone there to talk to even if i dont or cant talk to them, and even if i dont really tell them whats on my mind. id like a girlfriend more then a boyfriend, because girls know whats on my mind, and know what kind of talking to i need, instead of some guys thinking that if you kiss and such the girl theyll feel better. what bull shit. if only guys knew half of it. ive also been thinking about how.... mean i am to my friends and some of those who care about me. i mean many of my friends have asked me and begged me to stop cutting, and asked me to stop for them, but for some reason when i think about it i just want to, and even tho i think about them and how bad theyd feel, and how bad id feel that ive made them feel bad, i still want to do it. i love you guys and i dont mean to hurt you, and i cry when i think about you and how much ive hurt you. i want to find someone who wants to be in a long relationship right now. i think i need to find one person and just sort out my life. dumping the friends who are bad for me, making me feel like i want to cut or get into trouble. keeping those who help me through the hard times, and make me feel like im not just another person in the world. its you guys who keep me going by the way. i love you. *sigh* i dont know what else to say, hm. i think im going to start wearing my ''sex'' braclets again... and i hope tomrmow im going to cut my hair. well bye lovlyies. if you want to hang out or something with me... call me. (and if your willing for a long relationship with me... thats not just some random person... you know what to do. lol. ) bye. i love you.... emily!!!! (i doubt your willing for a relationship with me... right?)
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Subject:''id like to run away, id like to say a few things to you about the way i feel inside... ''
Time:12:26 pm.
Mood: good.
Music:letter kills - the bridge.
i was grounded for like two days becuase i went to fun depot with ingrid, emily, and daniella... and i guess i wasnt suposed to. oh well.. it was fuun. hehe. it was a half day so we were there from like 2 i think to 8ish. hehe... uhm. i guess me and ross are offically over. weirdly... im not really that hurt, when i think and think about it i get really sad, but i dont really give a shit anymore. but its hard trying to find someone else. i have someone in mind, but i dont think theyde want to go out with me. i want a girlfriend, but its sorta hard. or i want someone like one of my ex-s that i can never seem to get over. hmm.... i wanna still be friends with ross but it doesnt seem like he wants it back. hmm... I REALLY WANT A ''FRIEND''... lol. im going to cut my hair soon, today i hope, but my mommy wont do it cuza the wind from the hurricane... its quite interesting actually. i dont know what im saying.. sorry. I RENTED STRANGELAND!!!! IM SOOOOOO HAPPY!!!! i love that movie... so far ive watched it like 10 times... and ive had it since friday. *giggle* i memorized some of the lines.. hehehe... its awesome.. that movie makes me want to peirce some random part of my body, like my arm or thigh, i dont know... it just seems so fun and easy... anyways. i still have power, which is like a blessing from god... lol. becuase, every storm (not even a hurricane) has made our power go out.... YAY. *yawn* im tired... i want to hang out with someone. anyone i dont care. i wrote something to ross... emily you can read it. hehehe.... and theres an ashlee simpson song to him too... hehe... i miss you ROOS... i want to see you again soon!! i hope your okay up in your city... you got it worse then we did... i think. hehe... i love you!! uhm. im bored.. and lonely, so im going to go now. hehe... my belly button is doing good. YAY.. and my hairs going to shorter... nitenite... luvs you!!! (emily... i want you girl!! shhhh ) lol.. bye.
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Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004

Subject:*ROSS* remember when you said ''ill take your heart instead'' im letting you know now, go ahead!!
Time:4:02 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:none.... the tvs on... and i can hear my sobs..
i dont know what to do with myself... i try and try not to think about it, but i always catch myself thinking of it. thats all i think about, im failing all my classes because of it. i know you dont want to get serious, but maybe you should sometime, just to know how it feels. i really really really like you, i guess you could say that im in love with you, i hope it doesnt scare you, but its all true.. i fucking love you. i dont think you know what its like to love someone as much as i love you. its like a fucking diesase... it takes over your body and makes you suffer, and when theres no mutural love.... you give up your fight and feel like your going to die. sometimes theres no use for this feeling... and theres no use for this love. sometimes there is... when your feeling down and you think of all those happy times... oh its just so beautiful. but i dont feel that happyness anymore, i cant, its killing me. you got all my trust and all of what i thought was me... and cut it open, and now your watching it bleed, telling all your friends of it, and inviteing them to come and watch me bleed... watch me be helpless. you should have told me from the beginning what you wanted, instead of making me feel this way. i wish you would have told me you didnt want it to go this far... i wish you would have told me a month and a day ago. when you told me you didnt want to be single for this year... i was figuring that once you got in a realationship youde try your best to keep it... but to me it doesnt seem as though your trying to keep it for very long. i wish a month and eleven days ago you were shy, and you didnt say hi... then your classes would have changed without you even knowing me. i wish you didnt introduce me to your friends, then they wouldent agnolage me in the halls, and i wouldnt feel like shit when i think of being in charlies room with you on his bed... and i wouldent think of being there when your band practiced with ryan behind the drums... and i wish i wasnt there when you got your hair cut, becuase i see that lady and her daughter all the time by my house, and it makes me think of you, and when i sasw you on the first day of school... and i wish we did hang out that day a month and a day ago so i wouldent have met tom, and i wouldent have sat on that bench with you, and i wouldent have gone to your house, and we woudlent have kissed, and woudlent have watched that movie that i now have a picture of, and i woudlent have fell in love with you that very day, a month and a day ago. i only wish. but my wish wont come true. maybe ill get in a tragic accident and get my brain fucked up, maybe ill even die. so then i wont have to remember you and the day we met. i know that once this whole ''im confused about what im doing with my life and i need to start planning and having only school and work in my life'' phase is over im not going to be there, because if it continues with way, im not going to make it. ive been trying to fix all this, but i think your trying to repel it. i love you. and i cant do anything about you not feeling like i do... *tears* iii lloveeee youuuu. (Ana bahevic = i love you)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, September 20th, 2004

Subject:*R-O-S-S*Take me now, for all i am, no matter what theyve said!
Time:9:27 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
Music:letter kills - the bridge & ashlee simpson - autobiography.
damn.... this sucks. i have a really bad tummy ache.... today pretty much sucked... lets start from the beginning.... i woke up with the voice of sarry on the phone (girl i love you so much) she woke up 45 mins early so she could wake me up to get in the shower... i would have just told my friend to fuck themselves... lol... but now i owe you. remind me! uhm. then on the way to school i was putting on my eye liner and i jabbed myself in the eye, it really hurts! uhm. my tummy ached (my mommy was just telling me it was prob the hot dog i ate yesterday, theyve been in my freezer forever!!) and then uh... my belly button hurt, cuz i periced it again. YAY im so happy this time i actually have it right!! i have a gaged ring in there and its not crooked... danni percied it with a clay carving tool... it was really dull and it hurt really bad. it was all... AHHHH and then there was this big puddle of blood on my tummy and she told me not to look, and of course i looked... i had to climb stairs twice, then walk a block with the freaking carving thing in there... it was horrible... uhm. yea... back to my day... ross didnt say hi to me in the morning... he just kinda ignored me.. thats my start to my day... it made me sad. reeeeal sad. uhm. hm. then chem wasnt that bad... the teacher bitched at me and sarry and nick like always... its pretty funny... shes pregnant. but yea.. uh. photo was boring. (grr to alex) uhm. me and samantha talked and stuff... terika was sick so she talked to me... she talks alot sometimes.. lol. thats not a bad thing tho. uhm. then chorus... was boooooring... and lonly. i miss ross being in there, even tho he was only there for like 5 classes. uhm. i traveled to the bus loop with danni (we had to stay after school becuase of chorus and candlelight.... BLEH!) and i usually see ross... but he wasnt there. i had a note... but no... he wasnt there... i felt like he was avoiding me today for some reason... then i got paranoid becuase of what he said before about sometimes the way he gets people to break up with him when he doesnt want to break up with them... PARANOIA!!! yea.... i was sad and everything. poor ingrid i felt bad becuase she had to leave because she couldent stay with me and danni for practice... damn her!! anyways. then uh after that... i went to see emily and mykel at the bus loop becuase they were in ROTC something... hehee... i got home... and was bored... slept (sign of depressedness) and then ate diner... BLEH... i felt sick. went to dannis and tanned her.. lol.. it was great. i got to tan her ass and her boobs... and... hehehe.... yea. it was totally under tanning standards... anyways. i think tomrow were going to die her hair but i left becuase my tummy hurt too bad. came home washed dishes... TALKED TO ROSS... and now im here. hun, they lie... i dont know who they are, but its not true... i love you... and if i didnt i wouldent say shit, and i really hope we go somewhere.... like you said... *sadness* *huggs* im sorry if i did something wrong!!! hm. well im going to go somewhere else now. byebye... i wuv you.....
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Saturday, September 18th, 2004

Subject:maybe you shouldent eat cookies, YOU DONT NEED MORE SUGAR! -roos!
Time:9:17 pm.
Mood:yes (happy roos?!).
Music:roos on the telephone.... happy days happy days!!!!.
Disorder | Rating

Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges.

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.
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Subject:::to*r-o-s-s*:: id like to run away, id like to say a few things to you about the way i feel inside
Time:4:54 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:letter kills - the bridge.
''these are broken words, and im broken down.'' i woke up at 130... wow i spelt late huh? lol. then i went to go do laundry... wooh.. i love laundry. well actually not really. i just love having clean clothes. *sigh* my mom just suddenly got mean. she was all nice and stuf... then there was this sudden MEAN!!!!! gr. i have a tummy ache, and it hurts, and ow... i dont think im in a very good mood... maybe i was right about what i said to roos.... ''just when i thought i could trust people with myself, and my feelings, everyeones pissing me off and making me sad in the ways they know they can, im sure their having fun making me miserable and depressed!'' oh well. hm. i dont know what to do withmyself, i dont know how to express myself. i love you, but i just want you to know something, i dont know what yet, once i get my head straight ill try, your not like anyone else, and sometimes it worries me, what i want to tell you is nothing bad, its not something thats going to hurt you or me, not like if what im not going to tell you would hurt you, but thats not what i want. sometimes i wish you knew me better, knew what hurts me without you realizing it, what kills me inside, what i cry about. sometimes its what you say, sometimes its what you do, sometimes its what you dont say and dont do. sometimes you say just the right things, but you dont realize it and never say it again. i wish i could say i love you without feeling like youde get scared and run away, sometimes i wish that i could kiss you without feeling like i have to kiss you like you want it, sometimes i wish that i could hold you and not feel like youde try to sqwerm out of it. when i try to hold your hand you always shake me off, sometimes when i try to joke around, you get serious. i love pda, holding hands, cuddling, everything like that. but i dont know about you with some of those. i love you, and i dont want you to leave me, id just like for you to..... be with me. call me sometime. i get worried and paranoid like i told you before. well darlings i think im going to go. i dont feel happy or anything anymore. bye.

''i woke up lost inside my fears, from all the things ive done this year, and everything ive said that hurt you times again. you spoke it soft into my ear, all the words i want to hear, and this time ill make sure you get them back alright. remember when you said, youll hold my heart instead, im letting you know now go ahead. remember when you said, youll hold my heart instead, im letting you know now go ahead.''
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Friday, September 17th, 2004

Subject:''while im staring out my window, wondering what it was i should have said''
Time:11:31 pm.
Mood: gloomy.
Music:ashlee simpson- shes kick ass!!!!.
''oh i love how you can tear all the peices of me.'' hm well tonight i went to the movies without actually seeing a movie, becuase i spent my money last night with ross. i was lonly most of the time. *sigh* im not in the best mood i can be. i had a shity night wen. becuase of what happened with my parents and shit. and then today, i dont know, i guess i just didnt have a good day in general. practically everything went wrong. i got the pictures that my mom took of me with black hair... and the picture is fucked up becuase it was on the end of the fucking roll... a whole buncha other shit. oh well. my dads out of town, which is pretty good!! im really bored. mykel looked really cool with his tie and everything, and ingrid was super hott. lol. i guess i hung out with carlos most of the time. then i went to go places, but i didnt go anywhere. rosses sister, alex, is pretty cool, we talked for a bit, she thinks im really cool and a whole buncha other stuff, i guess she likes me. lol. i was by alex (blair) and he was all grrr at me... well fucking grr to you to bitch!!! just cuz you have a fat ugly ass girlfriend doesnt mean your any cooler of a guy, poeple still think your a fag, except of course my mom, she wants me to tell you that your still really cute even tho you hate me!! haha whats that show you bitch!! *ahem* anyways. ross, you wanted to know what was wrong tonight, well i was pissed, then you kinda came and then left, and then danni told me she got pissed and told you something, and then you came to talk to me, i dont know what she said... i dont know. well......... i dont know... maybe im pissed, but i dont know what about. i wish i did. maybe im just pissed at everything in general. i wish i wasnt pissed at some things, but then when i think about stuff and am around people and feel like im not there and feel like shit, its not too much of a lovely feeling... you know?! oh well. i dont care anymore. whatever. oh... foreveryone, the two words i hate the MOST ever, is 'stop' and 'whatever' they make me feel like shit. i mean... here and there stop, or yea whatever is okay... but all the time.... it makes me sooo sad, im not telling you to stop saying it in all. but i dont know. nevermind. my friend told me that her friend commiteted suicide the other day, its really sad. i was reading this website that has comments and shit, and it makes me so sad, becuase he doesnt realize how much everyone loved him, and how much they cared for him. and its too late now for them to let him know and read that thing, they fucking love him. that makes me not want to kill myself a little less now! becuase i dont want to put those who care for me through all that shit over ME... i mean... i dont know. but i love you guys.... you guys are everything to me.... mostly.... i just wish some of you would be a wee bit kinder at sometimes. becuase it makes me hate myself and think you hate me (even if you dont) and makes me want to leave. he hung himself, with a rope swing. i think hanging yourself and drowning yourself are the worst ways to go... id rather OD or bleed to death. hmm... i dont know what else to say. i love you david, and roos. sorry for all the shit ive put you through, and i really do love you guys, no matter what i say. im now on speaking terms with 3 ex-s... YAYA!!! and joseph is quite a huggy sir... lol... mykel... it just sometimes there.... with his cherry coke breathe and smoky hands... lol even tho he doesnt smoke... lol ..... and david.... i heart you... i like what you had to say in that thing you wrote to me for my 14th birthday. i wish i didnt treat you like shit, i wish i wasnt a bitch that one day, i didnt mean that, i apoligize from the bottom of my heart!! hehee... welll i guess this is it loves... goodnight all... emily i miss you!! i heart you!! and ross..... i love you!!! *sad face*
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Subject:on a monday i am waiting, on a tuesday i am fading, and by wensday i cant sleep.
Time:4:15 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
Music:the TV.
im making dinnner.... oh its so fun! i need someone to come with me to the movies with, ill most likely find someone to hang out with but if i dont i need someone man.... erg..... ive had a boreing day. i got 4 cds... thanks sarry, your super.. lol. uh,.... ashlee simpson, taking back sunday, a chemical romance, and letter kills. hehe. i think im starting to get into emo.. its werid. but i like all those types of music, so its not like im going to be an all emo chick... erg... anyways. i was a really great note with pammie boo in history today, his twinky only had 1/2 cream filling, not all cream filling, and not no cream filling. lol. bleh bleh bleh. im bored. i went to the movies last night with ross.. it was super. we saw without a paddle. hehe... hm... welll i dont know what else to say and my dinner is pretty much done. so bye.
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Tuesday, September 14th, 2004

Subject:im calling from your housein your room in your name lying in your bed and listening to your voice...
Time:5:42 pm.
Mood: okay.
Music:thursday - war all the time.
wow.. what an adventure ive been threw. i wish i could remember half of the things that have happened since this stupid storm has come threw, and since the last time i was online. well i watched cinderella on uhm. friday i think it is, when the storm was going threw, but my power kept flashing off so i didnt get to finish is before i had to turn it off. uhm. me and my mommy adopted dannis kittys mischeif and tipsy because they were in the keys and tipsy doesnt eat normal hard kitty food, and thats all they provided for the kittys. so me and my mommy fed them and petted them. i didnt take too many good showers while the power was out, because it was fucking FREEZING!! i was having a shaking attack while i was in there... it was horrible. well. i was in my house the whole time. which was like more then 2 weeks so it didnt really matter how clean i was. sunday i went to go rent strangeland... but i dont have a DVD player, so i had to get a different movie. if anyone with a DVD player wants to watch it with me ill go rent it... PLEASE!!!! i really wanna see it again... its sooooo awesome. well i had to rent peices of april. its pretty good. i like it. its not all that creative, and.. i dont know youll have to see it. hehe. uhm. yesterday i went to ross and some of his friends to a pizza place,it was quite interesting.. hehe. hm well i just took down the shutters from our front windows. my hand sorta hurts, its stinging and going KSSSSSSSS I HATE YOU!!!.... hehee. hm. well what was i saying? uhm. oh yea. i went to his band practice, it was quite interesting. it was quite fun in charlies room, lol hes awesome. hehe. uhm. then.... tom wanted to leave so i went back to rosses house... started to watch uh. biodome in toms room. then he took a shower... (thank you!!) then we went to his room and finished watching it... while sitting on his floor... lovly. uhm. i left a mark... hahahahahhaha.... i hope you were happy... lol. hm. i wuv you ross! i hope you like the note i gave you today... lol. hm. lets seeeee... friday was interesting. i went to the movies with emily... it was our first date... hehehe... its amazing, she kisses on the first date... lol. your a better kisser then alot of people ive kissed.... ross that doesnt mean you hun!! anyways. we saw cellular.... it was pretty good other then missing the first 40 minutes of it... uhm. well afterward me and her went to BAM and then we went to PA grille to get darling ross.. i like the sweet ice tea... its really yummy. im going to miss you working there! anyways. we walked back and hung around places... i saw a magazine with avril on the cover... which i got on sunday... and i made out with her. yuuummmmyyy... uhm anyways. on the way hom i got to get mykels head... it was joyuss... i never get to pet him.. i love petting people. hehehe... i petted ross... SH I DIDNT SAY THAT! anyways, uhm. ive gotten a wee bit closer with my mom. we have a few inside jokes... like when i barf on myself. lol.. its great! uhm. thursday i have dance class. i sorta dont want to go, but i guess i have to. well i dont have to. i havent practiced... in FOREVER!!!! its really... bad. i probably SUCK now... hahaha... sooo many people suck that i know. i dont suck yet... maybe one day i will... hehehhehehe... thatll be a first.. i dont like the idea of having the oppisite sexs MEMBER in your mouth... i mean... BLEHK!!! anyways. i went to ISS with jilee it was quite fun... i guess. joseph wrote on me in geometry since we had a sub. yay. his perment marker smells like cherries... hehehhe... anyways. hm. well i dont know. i think i have to go eat dinner now. so i guess this is it for now. bye loves.... call me someone...
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Friday, September 3rd, 2004

Subject:listen to the wind blow... watch the sun rise.
Time:2:47 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:the get up kids, ambivalence, fleetwood mac!!!.
*sneeze* AH.... *sneeze again* AHHHHH... okay.. i think im better... HI!. *waves* how are you all... who ever reads this.. its hot im my house. and im hot... and i dont really like it. i slept all day today. my mommy said that i looked HORRIBLE... she woke me up to help her and my dad get a BIG BIG cooler of ice out of the back of the truck... RIGHT when i woke up.. and when i wake up i need about an hour to wake up.. but NO... i had to help carry a big ass like 80 pound cooler... and my mom almost steped on my half broken toe... lol. oh i didnt say anything about that did i? nope... yesterday morning i was going outside to help my mom with stuff out side... and for some reason the frigde jammed its self into my god damn toe!!! i heard some cracks.. and it hurt real bad. and for some reason i didnt scream... i sorta laughed. hm. yesterday i worked so hard... oh gosh. whos been to my house?! yea... well you know in my back yard where all that stuff is? by the washer and dryer and what not... well thats practically all gone... im so proud of me and my mommy. *giggle* now we have to work on the back room. we used my next door neighboors house to put stuff in. well... he moved out.. and its really a apartment... i wanted to move in there, but i dont think my parents would let me. my old neighbor that was living with my land lord is now moving back in there... *sigh* it looks like hell in there. yep... hm. im bored... and uh. ive done alot of what i can do this week. well not really. i can still play my drums. learn the stuff ive already learned in school.. lol... uh. other stuff.. my dad put this radio thing on my bike and the speakers are really loud which is pretty cool. hm. uhm. i think im going to start using my other screen name 'imbendingtobreak' instead of 'isaidstayhome'. imbendingtobreak was inspired by dashboard confessional, or vendetta red, i believe... one of those bands.. i cant remember.. AH.. well yea.. uhm. hm. i want to get out of the house. and my parents will let me. i just need somewhere to go. SOMEONE PLEASEE!!!!! *sniffle* oh well... hm. danni is in the keys now. hmm... lalalallalalalla. im bored and im going to go. so.. bye ya'll.... and good luck with the hurricane and what not. (call me if youde like...)

i belive im going to grow my hair a bit longer.... HAPPY!!!!?!?!?!
im not paranoid!! but i bet you are... stupid fuck.
fleetwood mac is some fucking awesome music!!!! ITS GOOD FOR YOU!!
''punkedouthomie'' I FUCKING HATE YOU BITCH!!!! im going to kill you and your accomplise!! stupid whore!
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Tuesday, August 31st, 2004

Subject:theres boards on t'windows in my room.. now REALLY dark in there.. HINT anyone want to sleepover?!
Time:8:43 pm.
Mood: optimistic.
Music:stevie nicks!!! <3<3<3!!!!!.
well i was just informed that theres a football agains sanaluas... sorry if ive spelt the lovely schools name wrong. hm... what was i going to say. wow... i forget ALREADY!!.... my dad was forcing me to help put up shudders today... lol... i feel like a dork doing that... we had to like get the hammer drill and drill into the concrete to put the tapcon in there and stuff... my dad was making me do it... and when the drill tip is going thro the wood its scary as hell!!! i was also really paranoid that they would see my wrist... but. i dont think they did, and if so. OH FUCKING WELL!!! hm. today we had a guest in chourus and he was all mean and stuff... but he said i sung well like a few times... but now im in the first row... the third one in... joyness... i dont wanna be there.. but the girl who i sit next to sings really well, so ill be able to match pitch well with her. *giggle* im listening to stevie nicks... and i love her... but mykel doesnt... and hes mean... hes ICKY... AND STUPID.... and me and stevie nicks both dont like him... GR!!! lol. he was walking with kayla today... kayla is really really hott.. shes in my first peirod and she talkes and waves to me occasionally *giggle* i remember i was in chours and mykel, kayla and ross's name were all on my hand... hehe... those old days. lol. tomrmow we go to school at 11ish... well like 1050 but same difference... i want to walk to school with someone. danni is going to bitch about walking to school in the heat of the day and shit. i dont really wanna hear that. but im going to have to deal with it. ill just tell her to deal with it and if shes not going to walk shell have to find her own way there... then shell call me a bitch. but i dont really care at this point in time. im tired of it all. im trying to get better freinds with emily and all. i dont think she called me back... HUH... meany!!! she didnt call me back after dinner!!! *weep* ingrid is soo cool.... *attemps to hugg* she comes and visits me in lunch.. but she ''had to go do homework'' lol... just kidding. oh well. i need someone to hang out with on odd days at 1st lunch... anyone?!?! also even days 3rd lunch.!!! hm. sammy is really cool. i heart her... *giggle* she told sara to leave me alone... and sara obeys her... thats awesome... lol... im glad i made friends ( i guess you could call it that... i dont know if she calls us friends or what not ) hm. hm again. tomrmows youth group. ive actually been quite happy latly. ive been just a little paranoid about something... but im always paranoid about everything. so i dont think this really counts... dont ask me, because i wont tell. i just felt like saying that. hey emily... wanna go see a movie with me... ?! *wink* lol.. just kidding. hm. well i think im going to go now. bye loves... nitenite... call me someone!!! (and comment... i LOVE comments... THAT ARENT ANNONYMIS!!!... i cant spell!)

''but its alright baby... im doing the best i can! yes its alright baby, im doing the best that i can.''
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Monday, August 30th, 2004

Subject:BLACK SUN-RISES!!!!!
Time:9:35 pm.
Mood: calm.
Music:scorn *giggle*.
im talking to an ex named grant at the moment. ihavent talked to him in ages.... he was my first kiss. it was really werid. hehe. all my friends were there watching us, it was like this big convention over by the cafateria after spanish and all... lol... *growl* dannis like... grr... danni i think we should take a break from each other. i think we should see other people. lol.. just kidding. today i went to rosses house... hehehe... next time the pants must stay on my love. lol. sh i didnt say that. uhm. im pammie boos honarary sister now... *giggle* hm. i cant really think of anything to write about... im all distraced and such. hm. i love you emily!!!!!! i love the way you care for me and not just let things pass over like its normal!!! thanks for kissing me on ''it'' lol... (you too ross!!)*giggle* i really hope we can hang out soon, maybe wend. you can come to youth group... tell her its to study about God and such... lol... shell have to let you go then. hm. ben and ross ride the same bus.... EEK!!! hehehe. well i cant remember what i wanted to write in here. i cant rmember. i need a massage... anyone willing to give one... let me know. lol. its not like ROSS would!!!! now would he... hed probably just stripp me and fuck me before he did that... lol... im just fucking with you ross!! hehehe... uhm hm. i cant think right now!!! goddamn it... well i think i must go work on a cristsim thing for photo class... and then write down notes for my clay pot for pottery... with stupid mr.king... erg.. i have him twice tomrmow. well nite guys... my loves... hehehe... i wanna be cuddled... i love cuddling.

(for those of you who dont know... my brain controls me, i dont control my brain. i didnt cut myself because i was sad or becuase i was mad... and i wasnt being emo (as joe says)... but because maybe im addicted (as emily says i believe)... i think i need to work hard to get rid of it. after not doing it for so long... and then looking at all those pictures and everyone explaining about how they did it (which i dont know why i looked at it in the first place) my brain longed for the feeling again... it was making me freak out. im sorry... im working on it... just give me time baby.)
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Sunday, August 29th, 2004

Subject:''and im sorry for the way i am!!!''
Time:1:13 pm.
Mood: pessimistic.
Music:none- tvs on....
first of all. im so sorry for those of you who i let down, i dont know if you guys know what i mean yet, but once you notice, i hope you wont hate me, because i love you all. hm. well yesterday i was SUPPOSED to hang out with ross, but he never called back... so i guess he had other more important things to do. hehehe... i really wanted to be with him last night, i really wanted to be with anyone, because i was upset, and uh.... well... emily and roos know (thats what im talking about in the first sentence!!) no one hung out with me, and last night i didnt end up doing what i wanted... i dont know how i managed. korn is a good uh... fun to do stuff to, it makes everything feel so right... when you know its not. this morning i woke up and stuff, and watched tv while my mom was out getting stuff before church. i was watching the ashlee simpson show, shes pretty cool. i used to hate her, then i watched her show, and now i practically love her. shes awesome. anyways. then i went to church, and my pastor and everyone keeps talking about him and his wife leaving... it makes me really really sad. i love them, im going to miss them soo soo soooooo much!!! i hung out in the nursery after church was done, because there was a buisness meeting and my mom wasnt there yet, those little kids are the cutest things EVER!!! gosh... hehehe... then i came home and went to my room... listened to korn, let down my friends, and now here i am. i got all these icon things from blurtys and stuff... and there was this one that tempted me soooo badly. i cant find it again tho. i put them all into a email and accidently sent them to ross when i ment to send them to myself, then when i went into sent mail, the pictures didnt come up, which pissed me off greatly, so i tried again, and i have half the pics. oh well. ill try to find it. hehehe.... uhm. im lonly, and i need someone to hang out with. but emily and ross are working, dannis not home, roos is too far away, and i dont have anyone else. i need someone to hang out with... by the time someone reads this its going to be too late... hm. oh well then. today im suposed to show my feminine and flirty side... HUH... well how could i if im not with anyone. and tomrmow i get all the attention i wanted or something rather, and tuesday my smile is going to melt 'him' or something... i dont know who him is. and i all this week i wanna go home with someone.... i dont wanna come home. i wanna get my lip periced goddamnit. i dont think ross wants me to, and i dont know why, but i donno... hm. i dont know what else to say my loves... so... ill write later maybe, i hope i hang out with someone today.. byyye.... IM SORRY!!! and i love you guys!!!!

latly ive been feeling numb, i cant feel you sometimes. latly ive been paranoid about SoMeOnE who is unnamable, i know i shouldent be but i am. latly ive been wanting to cut, and i hate myself right now, because.... i did!!!
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Friday, August 27th, 2004

Subject:my binky was in emilys, then mine, then ross's... OH YEA!!!
Time:11:20 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:none. the silence of the midnite air..
eek.. my kitty decided to share her fur with my eye, so now its all discombobulated... my makeup is all over my face, and my eyeis going to end up being puffy as hell... in which tomrmow im going to look like shit. lovely!! tonight was an awesome night, i didnt think it was going to be all that great, but it turned out to be. wooh!! hm. i was supposed to go to the movies with danni, but some how within the first 5 minutes we were there, we lost each other!! but oh well i guess. i met up with emily... my love... and we hung out for a bit, then we decided to walk over to where ross works... which is right down the street from the movie theater. we were there for like 30 or more minutes before we actually decided to walk inside... then she pulled me in and i ran to the bathroom. and i basically FORCED her to go ask the guy at the bar (which we later find out his name is sean) if we could sit there and drink... becuase that was going to be our lame ass excuse to go see ross. it worked tho... i had sweet iced tea (which i later found out ross made, it was a bit sugary babe, but it was still really good) and made a joke about how fast the guy gave it to us. and there was a guy next to me that was homeless i believe and drunk and he said i was prettier then a something... i forget ill ask emily... but he was hitting on us and it scared the shit out of us... and then... there was this guy whos like ''im T-bag'' and we both laughed sooo freaking hard... she was like... oh no, dont laugh too hard... TEA might come out of your nose!! it was great... we decided wede make good poodle girls... lol.... youde be hotter tho emily!!! uhm. hm. then ross came back to the movies with us and stuff... and uh... we walked around and stuff... emily and ingrid are my new ''girlfriends'' lol... YAY... lol... i highly doubt their for real tho. uhm. we went to ekards and i took the duckie for this little guy named peter... its his birthday today. their from ''alaska'' but there really from detroit i believe it is. yea. uhm. i poked the guys sunburns.... the one guy like it... it was pretty werid. i think i enjoy hanging out with emily and ross all together.... their awesome. i doubt emily would do stuff with us tho ross... were out of luck there arent we.!?! hm.. i wonder, any more inside jokes, i dont believe so. i think im done for tonight. oh emily... i have to tell you that thing about that girl we were talking about on our journey to ross's work place... its about being anti-something and then saying shes the most one of it... REMIND ME!!!... well nite my loves... i love you ross, emily, and ingrid!!! KISSES!!!
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Thursday, August 26th, 2004

Subject:''i feel my bodys lost control, i threw my whole life down the drain. im better off here dead.''
Time:5:30 pm.
Mood: sad.
hm. i havent written in a while... have i? im not sure i forget. ''shes using up all her lonly tear drops now'' im not in the greatest mood, but im not really in a good mood much. ross got switched out of chorus... and im across the room from chasmin which is the only other person i talk to, because im an alto in the back row the first or last person which ever way you look at it, and shes a saprano. im all loney. sarah got switched out of history, so im lonely in there too but ive got pammie... hm what else. im going to join drama club, isnt that interesting. for the auditions me and danni and freddie and adam are doing a scene from breakfast club, we just need a third guy. everyone looks so cute in thier ROTC uniforms... i havent seen mykel and his new hair cut yet, but maybe ive passed him in the hall and not seen him becasue his hair isnt blonde... eh. i dont know. my dad still hasnt talked to me yet from when i died my hair. my mom was telling me i should say hi when he walks in and stuff, and i have, but he never says anything, i say bye and have a nice day... but he never says anything. i dont see what his fucking problem is!! goddamn. hes never home, i think hes avoiding trying to feel like shit becasue he doesnt talk to me. hes a bitch, whatever the fuck he wants hes gunna get... im not talking to him, i give up. im going to go do a survey thing, roos im not mad at you, i had to go do some stuff... god damn dont be so fucking sesitive... you know how i am... you should be used to my bitchyness. and ross.. i wanna see you more love. *sad face* maybe saturday... if that actully happens... but you never know what i hold inside!! i might just go along with everything, but this soon. i dont know.... im confused with my life.... nite guess... i feel like doing something really bad for me... i need someone right now... anyone.. i need it. *opens arms* BYE GUYS!!!
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Sunday, August 22nd, 2004

Subject:i can be anger, just like you.
Time:9:11 pm.
Mood: sad.
Music:dashboard confessional.
im not really having too great of a night. i slept again, which you know what that means, im once again, depressed, i hope for today only. im listening to dashboard confessional, which isnt helping too much, but what can i do, well i can change the music, but im not in the mood for any screaming people screaming into my ears, im also not in the mood for stupid little emo kids singing... even tho, this might be emo.... i dont give a shit what this is. i think i died my bangs so many times and left it in so long that its staying black. yay. my dad came home and got all bitchy right when he walked in the door and saw my hair... fuck him. one of these days im going to die it permentatly.. but oh well... not now. i wanted to go to the mall with danni so we could meet up with freddie because he needed to talk to someone because hes going thro a hard time... and my mom wouldent let me go... and she thinks that he actually wouldent kill himself. but oh well. danni went by her self. i hope shes okay. i took a shower, and i feel so refreshed... it was a long shower. sorta. alot of the die came out of my hair. hm. my legs feel alot better, i got to shave. lol. i think im going to peirce my lip, first i have to get some money, so i can get a clear thing so my parents dont see it. then im going to, and its going to be so cool. yay. hehehe. well im going to stop here.. i forgot alot of stuff... but im going to call ross now. so nite yall. love you
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Subject:i push myself against a broken mirror, and im bleeding to death, i hope i die this time!
Time:1:32 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:Thursday - war all the time.
my pastor is leaving my church soon and it makes me sad becuase if it wasnt for the way he delivers His word, then i would have proably never come to accept christ! he said before he leaves that hes going to dress like me... well in black baggy clothes for me. hes so nice. i love him! i might be going home with ross tomrmow... yay... hehe. dannis phone isnt working so i have to physically walk over to her house and ask her to come wash my moms car with me, but im too lazy to get up and walk like 5 feet to go ask her. oh well. ill go over in a little while. hm... im listening to thursday, i dont know why but maybe that day i did try to listen to them i wasnt in a good mood, becuase i didnt like what i heard, but i really like it now. wooh. my dads coming home today, i like it when hes not here, me and my mom get along alot better!! when hes not here he doesnt try to control her as much, obviously cuz hes not here. he also doesnt try to control me, i think we get in so many arguments becuase i dont let him control me and he thinks he knows what hes talking about alot of the time, but really he has no idea, he doesnt know shit, i dont more about stuff then he does and i barly know anything. gr. anyways. i think im going to go do some homework so i dont get in trouble and fail this year becuase im trying to get good grades so i can go up to chicago for the summer. ill write later.
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Blurty for im a loner, im a loser, im a winner in my mind..

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