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| 12:51pm 18/08/2005 |
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mood:  content music: "Across the Universe" Fiona Apple
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I......am the most boring person on the planet. *takes a bow* thank you...thank you.
Pretty much all i've done today (so far at least) is the strenuous activity of sitting in my room since morning, or "morning" and I slept through my 8am class. yay! Good stuff. i had a bowl of corn flakes for lunch cause i was too lazy to go downstairs to get food....although i hate the food downstairs so there is a little more walking involved than just downstairs, but anyway....
I am also kicking myself for not dragging my ass over to campus to try to sign up for tutorials for my econ classes, although I have absolutely no idea if that is even today or if it started yesterday or whatever, but i get the feeling i'll now be stuck with an additional friday class because i had to be retarded this morning. Fun times indeed. I should head over to the library and study...or at least run errands and watch the end of a video that we didn't see in one of my classes....but again, i'm lazy. I'll probably be up tonight doing homework. =P I need to buy a book too...hmmm......
oh yeah and there's also econ hw that i have "due" tomorrow....which also entails a ton of reading. great |
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| So it's been a while |
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| 01:02am 13/07/2005 |
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mood:  discontent music: "Don't Wanna Lose You Now" BSB
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I feel like I'm always saying that now. *sigh* eh, whatever. And what happened to cause this prolonged absence? Shear Laziness. Well, and life happened.
I've been thinking about the way life has been these past couple of months. Hell since 2005 started. and already we're halfway through. What have I done? What has changed? I know there was definitely a transition period between 2004 to 2005 when I realized that I hadn't seen my friends at all through the entirety of fall quarter. that was a depressing thought. I'd isolated myself to a point where I barely had any contact with my friends. Just School, work, home. school, work, home. Day in, day out. Then during finals, I finally saw some of the girls from my floor last year for the first time in 6 months. All during Winter Break, I couldn't help but think about that. I was closer to my mom, yes, but I hadn't grown.
So winter quarter rolls around, and I finally start going out more. Try to take a bit more independence, well as much as I could have of course, and yes my grades did slump a bit....or a lot more than I would have liked, but I had more of a social life. It still wasn't enough, and it's still not enough to this day. I was content Fall Quarter with staying home and doing nothing. But when I found out how much I missed out on college life....how much of it i'm missing even now, it's depressing.
Looking back on just this....I've always taken the back seat to life. I still take the backseat, and I'm in it right now. It'd be cooler if I were literally sitting in the backseat of my car typing all this out, but alas, i'm not in the mood to "creep downstairs" to sit in my car. Plus i took the battery out of this laptop, and oh yeah there's the issue of having no internet connection. Damn. But aside from all that, I'm in the backseat just as I've always been. Yes I got to "drive" for a while last year when I wasn't under this damn roof, but there were still things that held me back.
Are they still there? And who the hell is driving MY metaphorical car? The devil....that's who. In the form of what would be parents. I'm 20 and I'm still talking about parents. And it comes down to obligation. I always feel obligation to things that seem out of my control.
Financially, i'm dependant on my parents. Yes, i could get out of it, but....that's semi out of my control. It's hard to explain so i'm not even going to try.
Certain friendships, I feel obligation because they've been so long that I can't just abandon it.
People. I feel like it's my obligation to do for people. Do all that I can and help in a way that is possible.
But obligation pushes and obliterates. Ok, i don't know if it really obliterates, but i just wanted to use the word.
But it does feel like it's obliterating any form of growth i'm supposed to get from life. It seems like my parents are holding my hand all the time. How am I ever supposed to figure things out on my own, or do anything on my own if I don't do it on my own? I've considered chopping off my hand as a symbolic gesture. Well, mixed with a little insanity and alcohol, it could happen. Though I haven't gotten to that point yet.
Motivation is also a big thing. Ever since the new year started, I haven't been able to really make myself do anything. At least work related. I pretty much sit around on my fat ass and.....do nothing. Sunday AND Monday this past week, I sat in front of the TV and ended up watching movies all day. Movies that were on TV of course. I told myself that I would clean my room. Hah....i've been telling myself that or the past 3 weeks actually. Still haven't done it. I really do have to get that done before I leave though and just make sure I have evertyhing.
That's another thing, I still have paperwork that I have yet to completely fill out, and I'm leaving in a little over a week. Why am I screwing myself over like this? I'm going on a supposed "life-changing" trip and I can't even work up any excitement towards it. Not even to make myself get ready and prepare for it all. I go through all the maybes in my mind and most of them do make sense, but still. I always end up screwing myself over in some way. I just wish I had more independence. Ugh. there it is again. That damn word.
I thought this entry would be more insightful. Damnit. That's me adding my damn "humor" to it and messing it all up. Hey gotta add entertainment when you can. Then maybe someone might actually make it through an entry. Sigh. |
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| Hah |
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| 12:21pm 16/05/2005 |
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mood:  exhausted music: faint bckgr music that i can hear just enough to hear
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it's only been a month since my last entry...yes...blurty neglect. i know, i'm sorry. not like i have a whole lot to say to begin with....sigh....
a month...and what am i STILL griping about? that's right...my writing class. i have an elevator pitch that i should have done a while ago, that's actually due today....meaning i-actually-have-to-turn-it-in due today. And i stayed up till....5am to finish the other 4 pieces in my portfolio. and despite that, they're all still short pieces. god i hate writing about myself. I ESPECIALLY hate writing about myself in a business sense. it's like i'm singing my own praises, no thank you. i like in self-deprecating humor, do i even have praises? no.
I swear, i'm sooo just falling on my bed the second i get home. in the mean time, i still have to go get a manilla folder from the student store, um..."borrow" some paper clips from the Asian American Studies department, and finally search around this campus for a color printer.
yay.
good flipping times.
oh yeah, and my eyes feel like sandpaper. |
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| Meh |
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| 12:31pm 18/04/2005 |
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mood:  cynical
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I feel like i should be doing something productive. I have this two hour break, and it just wastes away as any free time...excuse me "free time" that i have usually does. It's sad really. I do have homework that I should do....but i can't work up the energy to turn the chair around, and dig through my backpack for it. sigh...where does time go.
I know...i've been neglecting my blurty lately...or so it feels at least, but i'll catch up eventually. |
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| summer...needs to be here. NOW...i'm serious... |
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| 12:26pm 13/04/2005 |
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mood:  anxious music: gentle hum of the computer and the voices in my head
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I hate it when classes are really lose and don't have a format. It seems like most of my classes are like that this quarter. Ok...well only 2 of them...which means only half of my classes, but it's just weird comparatively since most of my teachers so far have been pretty organized as far as what they want from the hw, when midterms are, projects...etc.
I really hate this writing class. I'm SURE that i haven't mentioned it before. not at all. I only complain about this class....well, just the fact that i hate writing, and with the other class i hate, it's mainly because of the gazillion idiots who won't shut up in class. i'm rambling....and wasting time.....
i'm supposed to make a "magazine cover" to describe myself to "sell" myself to a company. However, he shows us one brief example with Dilbert on the cover which no one really got a good look at...and i feel like i'm fucked. Well, i always feel like i'm fucked, especially whenever i wait till the last minute to do things. and this is a worse last minute because it's in a couple hours last minute, not i-lost-sleep-over-this last minute. WAAAAAAAHH!!! |
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| hmm |
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| 03:06pm 04/04/2005 |
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ok, so i got time. 20 minutes to BS a resume? i could....blech. did i mention i hate this shit? cause i do. |
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| yup... |
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| 01:27pm 04/04/2005 |
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an hour later....no resume. of course. i am officially...even more of a dipshit. *takes a bow* |
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| hmm.. |
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| 12:27pm 04/04/2005 |
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mood:  aggravated music: some song from the Love Hina soundtrack
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did i mention that i hate my writing class? cause i do. I really do. hate it. hate it hate it hate it. Yeah so that last "paper" i was griping about? yeah, he decided that we'll go over it on Monday....which is today. After i freaked out about it. And today...we have to turn in a first draft of our resume. right, my non-existent resume. which i haven't done. wtf. i have no motivation to do ANYTHING anymore. ugh. |
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| i hate this shit... |
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| 01:19pm 30/03/2005 |
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11 min... |
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| check that.... |
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| 12:52pm 30/03/2005 |
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30 min....i should be writing it instead of posting here. i'm a smart one |
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| FUCK |
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| 12:21pm 30/03/2005 |
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mood: muddled music: "Running" No Doubt
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fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....i hate this shit. I have to finish a one page paper within then next hour and i can't bring myself to do it. It took me forever to actually come up with topic ideas. AGAIN. i'm sensing a failing pattern here, but fuck. FUCK. Well, i was supposed to come up with three topic ideas for a new business. Except it can't be something like food service (no cafe or the like) and nothing catering to "lifestyle" living (like scuba-diving lessons). I ended up searching the net cause i'm an uncreative dumbass.
btw, this keyboard is pissing me off cause some of the keys are stuck and i keep having to delete and go back. i'm on campus if that explains anything at all. The other thing that sucks about right now is i hate being in the computer lab. This specific one cause i'm surrounded by macs. i know strange enough, but it sucks all the same. And these two bitch girls won't shut the fuck up. Yes, we all really can do without hearing every bit of your conversation, and they weren't even TRYING to be quiet. ugh. k now i'm just pissy. but geez!
so anyway...back to the subject at hand....well it wasn't that interesting anyway, so nevermind.
.........*long pause* yup that's it. i really thought there was more to add. nope. deal. |
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| "I can't quite figure out" |
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| 12:40am 26/03/2005 |
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music: "You and me" Lifehouse
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This song is my new obsession. God i love Lifehouse.
I randomly thought of that Johnson&Johnson shampoo commercial a really long time ago where this little girl has just washed her hair and then she stands in front of the mirror and combs her hair. she just keeps combing it all until it's dry. I was just thinking that she had to have been standing there for a pretty good amount of time to keep combing till it's dry. I tried it once in 6th grade or so....i eventually gave up cause i didn't want to stand there forever. Plus my hair is probably thicker than hers was....and that is just occuring to me now. ANYWAY....
and so it's...Saturday. Early Saturday. Saturday nonetheless. And where the hell did Spring Break go? no idea. I knew it'd be over on Monday. Weeks go by pretty quickly nowadays. It's bizarre. It can be Monday, and yeah long weeks ahead....but still i know the week will eventually be over...and it always happens quicker than i think.
damnit I still haven't cleaned my room....haven't done it in 3 months. It's not really that messy...i like that i can find everything and i know where everything is, but after i clean it, i'll never be able to find anything. Well i need to vaccuum more than anything else. There's hair everywhere, i fucking shed like no other. I swear, i could probably donate a full head of hair to one of those charities if i collected all the hair that's fallen off my head.
I hate all this damn paperwork too. Oh, for those who don't know....not like a whole lot of people read this anyway, i got "nominated" to go to Singapore. My application is still going through the approval process. I got a C last quarter in one of my important classes =\ so i'm kind of worried....but i guess we'll see. But just going through all this reading. I should've done it earlier this week, but i've been lazy...Spring Break is definitely not long enough. why can't i be a little kid, delightfully oblivious to how long of a break i get. I remember back in like 1st grade, when it was Winter Break, i knew i didn't have to go to school, but it felt like a long time that i didn't go back because i wasn't really aware of the days. ugh....now every time it's Friday, i feel like the weekend is over cause the day is going to waste away...just like Saturday wastes away (mostly cause i sleep in so late...heh) and during the daytime on Sat, i think to myself "if you don't get this done tonight, you'll do it Sunday night...and then it's already Monday! So the weekends are now non-existent. ugh....is it summer yet?!
OOH! I found this on a post in a different website....
Can you tell the difference between Chinese, Japanese and Korean? |
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| ugh |
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| 02:18pm 12/03/2005 |
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mood:  sore music: hum of computers, typing of keyboards.....
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One down....3 to go. And despite having taken one final already...it STILL doesn't feel like the quarter is over. I'm expecting to go class on Monday...regular class and go through the normal whatnot. I bothered to analyze this a bit, and i think it's just that every single week of this quarter was EXACTLY THE SAME. absolutely no variation whatsoever, and the fact that i had a homework assignment due on 3 different days of the week, EVERY week, didn't help it. And yeah last quarter was somewhat similar, but the homeworks didn't take me 2 hours each to do. Fuck.
I swear, next quarter better not be like this. Otherwise i'm dropping out of college and moving to Brazil where i'm certain i'll fit in amongst all the Brazilians....cause you know, i looked like i'm from South America. lol...i shouldn't say that cause there are people that confuse people of some kind of Spanish descent (i don't know if it's politically correct to say "Hispanic" so i won't) and people of Asian descent. So technically i could fit in. hell i might as well move to Antarctica and live with the penguins. At least my intellect won't have to count for much there. i'll just freeze my ass off like all the other penguins. And i'm sure...no i KNOW they think it's cold there too. they just can't really go anywhere else or they'll get eaten by killer whales.....
alright, now i'm going off on a tangent, but what can you expect. sigh...whatever. live life. |
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| ...FfffffffUCK! |
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| 06:40am 10/03/2005 |
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i'm...still awake. Yes...still....i stayed up all night to write the damn paper. And i'm still not done. it's 6:41am and i'm making it worse by even making this entry. Sigh. fffffffffffffffffuck! the saddest part is...i don't know if this was even really a full write out paper. I think i'm going to get a shitty grade on it, but it's a lot of analysis. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. god i want to sleep. i took a few naps during those hours, but...of course it's just not enough. fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff....you can finish the rest. |
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| WHO DIDN'T FINISH?! |
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| 11:03am 08/03/2005 |
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mood:  numb music: computer towers humming
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That's right...i.....didn't finish my paper. I finally got a topic at like 3:30 and then i was like "fuck this." I don't know what the hell has happened to me. I can find absolutely no motivation to do anything....lots of double negatives there lol. I shouldn't be laughing cause my grades are pretty severely in trouble. Well, trouble by my standards. I don't want a C this quarter....but i have the horrible feeling i'm getting at least 2.
Sigh....what....the fuck. I'm in the library and i'm skipping the class the paper is "due" for and that i'm supposed to present on today. jesus....i almost put today in quotes. Fuck i'm so tired. i just want this DAMN FUCKING QUARTER to be FUCKING over already.
So pretty much...i came to the library to take a nap. Then work on homework more. I can't do anything on no sleep. i only got a few hours last night, and probably an hour more than that the night before. fuck. i need a new swear word. Fuck just doesn't cut it enough. I need something beyond fuck. Any suggestions?
God i want to sink into a puddle on the floor and not exist. That is my poetic frase (i really did write it that way....geez. well i'm not changing it cause i'd have to move my finger up to the delete key...no thanks) for the day. deal. |
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| Damnit.... |
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| 12:53am 08/03/2005 |
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mood: aggravated music: the quiet hum of my computer
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it's 6 minutes until 1 FUCKING a.m. in the morning. And what am i doing? i STILL haven't started this fucking shithead shit fuck bitch ASS of a paper. And i just realized something....exactly 366 days ago....i was in the exact some position, writing a fucking paper for a shit class. That night i made 6 posts, and ended it with a poetic "ok....and queue sunrise" post. Funny how everything comes full circle like that. This better not be a tradition. I still don't really have a goddamn topic for this paper either. SHIT |
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| And for my next trick... |
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| 03:13pm 07/03/2005 |
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mood: exhausted music: "Everything" Lifehouse
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Why Winter Quarter kicks everyone in the balls....even if you don't have any
It's the worst time of the year. Winter just sucks major ass.
It's cold all the time.
It rains like nobody's business and it's fucking annoying cause you always step in the giant puddles and get soaked.
The Winter Break beforehand is never long enough. Yeah 2-3 week might SEEM like it's a long time....yeah it's not.
After Winter Quarter is over, you only have a ONE week break to look forward too.
The days are shorter, so it gets darker faster, and you're more easily tired.
Because the days are shorter....there's never any time to really get anything done. Honestly how many people in the world are morning people compared to night people? I swear i've only met a handful of morning people in my entire life. People don't want to get up with the sun to start their day unless it's absolutely necessary, and because they don't, a couple hours of daylight have been lost. Then you have less daylight to work, hence darkness comes....no time...blah blah blah...you get my drift
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(nothing can even describe my mood right now. It's too much a mix of tiredness, exhaustion, depression, sadness, aggravatino, annoyance....pretty much everything that's "negative" on the mood list, and then some. Oh yeah, i guess add a twinge of happiness only cause i got one of my hw's back today and i got a check (+). That's right, check parenthesis plus. Not only that....they put a "Good Job" stamp on it too!!!! So that was probably the highlight of my day. Yeah yeah....stamps are for elementary school, but hey a little flashback is always nice now and then.
One more week...just one more week and it's over. Well, technically kind of two. My first final is on Saturday though. I'll be so glad when i'm not taking Chinese anymore. It's fun to learn languages and everything, but language classes always pile on the hw so much :P :(
Tonight's gonna be a late night. I'll probably be up till around 4-5am. Just cause i know the way i work. sigh. i'm an idiot, i know. This paper was kind of due last week on Thursday....but i have to present it on Tuesday. ugh...i really really don't want to do it. But of course i have to :P |
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| My two favorites words...EVER |
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| 10:24pm 22/02/2005 |
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mood:  cold music: "Every Heart" Boa
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REPRIEVE!!!! I don't know why. It's just a fun exclamation whenever you're happy. Doesn't even matter if it doesn't fit, it's fun to just scream this random word.
Peripheral. Also a cool word. Just to use. It doesn't get used a lot, which is why it sounds cool when it IS used.
random post, i know, but i wanted to say, REPRIEVE! the electrician came today and fixed the problem! Whoo! so now i'm back on my computer as you can probably tell. Well....yeah anyway, yeah. damn it...i have a midterm tomorrow that i didn't study for that i TOLD myself i would....look here i go. For the same class i didn't study for the last midterm. I'm fucked. I was supposed to go to a review tonight, but i really don't want to go. ugh, it's just such a hassle having to go BACK to campus just for an hour and a half for some damn review that could quite possibly not be helpful. especially if the TAs...excuse me..."tutors" (cause technically they aren't TAs cause they're only 3rd and 4th years, and they don't get paid for doing what they do.) don't do a good job of reviewing. shit. i'm fucked. i said that already didn't i? fuck. |
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| UPDATE! |
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| 12:30pm 22/02/2005 |
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mood:  uncomfortable music: the vents and thunder...
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so...yeah. The electrician came on Sunday. He did something with the wiring and so now everything that didn't work before works now. The PROBLEM is....he reveresed the fucking thing. So now everything that worked before doesn't work now. That means....everything in my room...doesn't work
:( times a billion. I'd type it out, but then it'd look weird.
Anyway, because of this, i'll have to move the cable modem to a plug that does work so i can at least hook up the other computer to the internet. damnit....i want my computer! It's times like these i really wish i had a laptop. So much more convenient.
Why is life a bitch? School just seems to be kicking me in the ass right now. Probably cause i've waited until now to do everything, but still...even if i had 4 fucking classes, i'd still have the same amount of work. WTF? this isn't normal. God last quarter was so laid-back, i should've taken a 5th class then.
I feel like i have more to say, but i can't think to say it, or i don't know how to say it. in any case i'm moving the damn cable. 1 day without the internet is enough. i can't suffer through withdrawals like this.
OH YEAH! I JUST remembered what i was going to say. Not that anyone really cares a whole lot, but holy fuck. This weather is extra shitty. I really can't remember the rain ever being this bad. Even when everyone was talking about El Nino and what not back when i was in 4th grade. What was that....'94...'95? somewhere around that. Consequently when the last La Conchita landslide happened. But i can't really remember having thunger storms with lightening in a really really long time. Hell i can't even remember one at all. Lightening yeah, but not thunder. At least not this regularly. It's so bizarre. California is supposed to be sunny...and fun....not rainy and shitty.
Speaking of, that reminds me, the California state quarter comes out this year. I saw a picture of it. Here, i'll find one:
Doesn't it look shitty? I forgot who that guy is supposed to be....but ugh it's so ugly. We couldn't do any better than that? FUck man. Anyway, i'm out. I would love to sing in the rain, but i don't have the time to get sick. |
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| And it thunders... |
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| 02:13am 20/02/2005 |
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mood:  hungry music: "do you know what it takes?" Robyn
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So the power is out in HALF of my house. That's right folks, you didn't read it wrong...it's really half of my house. I was lucky enough to have everything in my room working fine. Or so i think. At least nothing of great important isn't working. My computer lol, is my main concern. Although i technically don't really need it for homework, it's just nice to know that i still CAN turn it on if i want to.
I was in the middle of Toy Story 2 when it happened. Damn. I've seen it a billion times...but it was the good part! The fridge unfortunately wasn't lucky enough to still be in working condition. Yet the lights in the kitchen work fine. go figure. The cables out, but the internet is still running. Interesting. I was going to call my bro to see if this actually makes electrical sense, but...i doubt he'd actually know. Plus he'd want to get off the phone asap just cause he hates talking to people....well at least his family lol.
and apparentally it's not just our house. our neighbors have the same issue. Unfortunately my neighbors on the other side...who knows if they had the same problem, but damnit if their porch lights still work. OURS don't. so you'd think there's a good enough possibly that theirs don't work either. Nope. of course not. so now, the fucking things are shining into my window cause some idiot over there doesn't turn them the FUCK off. I found that my eyes are very light sensitive at night and i can't sleep unless there's a good amount of darkness. So i have to pull the shades up to "temper" the lighting.
It's just such a hassle cause i actually have to pull up the shades. i know...it wasn't really necessary to say it again, and i thought i had more reason than that...but it's just that i'm lazy. PLUS, the shades are the kind where you have to pull the string on the side to completely block the window. You know how those are. The next day when you try to "unblock" the window, it takes a half hour just to pull the damn string the CORRECT WAY, in order for the shade to come down. (i have the kind of shades where you can "close off" the bottom part of the window, or the top part of the window. if this doesn't make sense...don't worry about it. too complicated. i'd look for a picture, but i'm too lazy)
So yeah...back to the fridge. it might've been an ice cream night, but my mom "already brushed her teeth" which means she refuses to eat anything unless she's starving. and my dad, who shouldn't eat a lot at all, actually turned it down. guess he was too tired. as for me...i already had a chocolate ice cream bar BEFORE the power went out. i didn't really feel like eating any ice cream again. i had too much chocolate today...just too sweet. i know, who'd've thought, but it's the truth. what can i say? |
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