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Compliments Of Gus - Your Eyes (it's amazing... look it up) |
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I KNOW! Exciting, isn't it? Previously, whenever been asked to describe how I came to God, I've always sort of come up blank. Nothing flashy, I'd say. I started to come to church. And then I became a Christian. That's it, really.
But actually, that's NOT really up. I simply did not know my testimony because it dwelled in a place in my life that caused too much pain to look at. It has been something that I did not understand until now but now I do. And I am blown away. It came from a heart-wrenching, hurtful weekend that had me not wanting to live.
But I know my testimony now.
The first thing that's important to know is that I am an unwanted child. My parents were told that they were unable to have children, and so they moved out of their house into a little 2 bedroom house. They liked this - they got to do it up, it wasn't too much to clean up. And when Ben was born, (my older brother), this was pretty good too. They had a spare bedroom, they got a pool in the back yard, and mum decided she liked taking care of kids so much that she ran a small daycare from home. Kids were fantastic and Ben was fantastic and all was good.
But then, mum became pregnant again. This was probably a bit of a shock, as they weren't supposed to be able to have kids, and now they were going to have two? But it would have been okay to start with. They hoped that I would be a boy, and then the boys could share a bedroom.
But I was a girl. And now we had a mum, a dad, a son and a daughter living in one house. A lot of effort had gone into this house. They had taken so much care to do it up because they weren't supposed to be able to have kids and now they had two.
Soon enough we moved. It must have been too expensive to stay in the Sutherland Shire - we moved to Dapto. A fair distance, you know? My parents, who once would insist they were good Christians, no longer went to church. Friendships started to dwindle. Mum didn't do day care anymore.
I was an inconvenient daughter that took my parents out of their social circle and out of the comfortable life they'd built for themselves. Mum was no longer working and this is not a good thing when you have more mouths to feed.
I went into preschool when I was 3 years old (instead of the standard 4) and mum went back to work. I was in long day care - wake up, go to daycare, go to school, go to daycare, and then get picked up late. When this became too expensive and mum got sick of chopping and changing daycares because I was getting bullied it became neighbours houses. I would go there first thing in the morning, get dressed, have breakfast, and then go to the busstop. A lot of the time, mum hadn't gone to work yet. Ben was never in daycare.
On top of daycare, there were a lot of other things. My parents tried to get me into night time things and weekend things too - Brownies, Physi, drama clubs and so on.. Eventually I settled on cubs but was not there for long. I had problems making friends, both here and at school. Counsellors suspected I had Asperger's Syndrome and that's not convenient. I had to go to a Speech Therapist because I couldn't speak properly.
When I was in year 3 my parents started a small business. After school, Ben would go there or to his friends houses. He had a lot of freedom like that. He was allowed to go home as well, if he wanted. I, on the other hand, was sent next door with the hairdressers kids, or down the road to a church family's house (even though my parents didn't go to church?), or, when my parents began to employ local ladies, to the employee's houses.
It was hard to make friends in high school. Even in primary school, if I started getting along with a girl and asked my parents if I could have a friend sleep over, they would tell me that I didn't have any friends. By year 8 I started kind of finding my way into a group at school - one that didn't sit at the social centre, but tucked themselves away. I started spending every afternoon at their house. After growing up in long term daycare, it only seemed natural to me, and it didn't make sense to me when I got in trouble for not asking beforehand.
My parents didn't like any of my new friends, no matter how much they doted upon Ben's. When I started dating, they would be rude to my boyfriends. They would say, in front of friends and boyfriends, how I was such a bitch and had never respected my parents and had always treated my parents horribly. I was a terrible daughter and when we were alone they would condemn me for pretending to be nice to other people (teachers especially) when I was always such a bitch to them. I felt like I was being chastised for being nice to those who were nice to me and this probably only served to make me more and more introverted.
And it never sat right. In front of people we hardly knew, my parents would boast about how smart their daughter was, how she's going places, how she's going to be a doctor or a scientist, and now it's about how I'm going to write a best selling novel and make novels. They talk about how they are such great parents for raising such a wonderful daughter and I'm lucky to have such wonderful parents as them and they are wonderful.
Full ownership.
Yet behind closed doors when they are telling me what a bitch I am and how I've always been such a bitch and I'm not going anywhere with my life and why don't you have a job you're such a lazy piece of... There is no ownership for that. That is entirely my fault. I have found that no matter how much deference I pay to my parents, no matter how gentle I am with them and tolerating, I will never cease to be a bitch in their eyes.
Becoming a Christian only served to make it worse. To put it in context, I have one other family member who is a Christian, and he was completely ostracised. He became a faggot, a retard, he should never have been born, and was cut off from the family. I don't even know where he lives. When I became a Christian, my parents would say to neighbours, oh she's so strong, to have such a strong faith, it's been so wonderful. But behind closed doors, it was always you are a terrible Christian. That's not a very Christian thing to say, Amy (of course, their meaning of the word Christian is nice and comfortable in this context). I thought you were a Christian, why are you such a bitch? You're a bitch. I soon learnt that in the Wheeler house, people are allowed to have derogatory conversations about religion, about ethnics, about anything, but I was not allowed to say any of my views. My parents were angry at God for my existence and when I became a Christian the irony made them indignant.
I am a bitch. I am a horrible daughter. I am a disappointment and I should get a job and get out of their house and out of their lives because I make verything hard and I am such a bitch. Bitch.
This has been the cause of a lot of tears. Harlequin, now on the inside, has seen the venom and the knives and the way they talk down my friends but act all buddy buddy when they're around and try to play my friends against me to tear me down. He has seen me trying so hard to make peace offerings and end the war and he has seen them never dropping the premise that I am nothing more than a bitch.
And he said to me one night, I know it's hard to realise Satan's working against you through the people you love. (My response was something along the lines of -Pfft.-No....-Oh my God, no!-Oh my God, please help me....-Whoa..) and he said to me, where are you going to get your identity from? From your parents, who tell you that you're nothing but a bitch, or from God, who tells you that he made you in his image?
And I said, oh, my God...
Because through all the pain I hadn't seen the beautiful storytelling. I hadn't seen the exquisite control and the sovereignty of God and his... his... his unbelievable craftsmanship...
Did you see it? Did you see it in the background?
I bet you didn't.
Let's go through this step by step...
1. My parents being told they couldn't have kids led to them moving out of their big house
2. So when I was born, they had to leave their home and leave the Shire - the beginning of their bitterness, but stick with me.... this brings us to Dapto.
3. The constant day care meant that I struggled to develop stable relationships and couldn't make friends. My parents loving reassurance that actually, I didn't have any friends, ever, and was deluding myself, inhibited me from making friends well into high school.
4. The friends that I did eventually make, therefore, were kinda the outsidey people - not the cool groups. Now they were/mostly still are wonderful people, but they weren't "in" - thanks, parents, for making me not fit in.
5. Unbeknownst to me, some of these group were Christians. And one of them insistently invited me to youth group and church, time and time again, time and time again...
Did you see it that time?
Did you see what God did there?
He looked at how Satan was using the people I love, and I think he said, now we can't have any of that. And so while Satan was using my parents to drag me through muck and mire, through pain and hurt and exclusion, God was using that muck and mire and pain and hurt and exclusion to bring me to Dapto and introduce me to his people who would bring me into his church...
I bet Satan didn't see that one coming.
Are you blown away? Do you see how God does things?
He knows what he's doing and it blows me away. To know that, even though my family didn't want me, and still don't, God wanted me so much that he let Satan butt in (temporarily) simply so he could take it back...
God wanted me so much that he fought for me... That even through the pain and the hurt he didn't abandon what the world had written off as a bitch...
And I am amazed, and I am blown away, and oh I can see God's hand in my life.
And that is my testimony. I was an unwanted child but God wanted me so much that he did something about it. God.. God, really, personally, wanted ME. Can you see the miracle there? Are you blown away? That God would want the dregs of this world?
Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced,
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.
Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.
Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.
May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.
But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"
Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.
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disappointed
crushed
annoyed
thoughtful