| #1368: things I'm happy about |
[09 Mar 2012|02:43pm] |
* harlequin and I are getting married. This is really cool and I'm really excited.
* the whole belt being looser thing
* and I can do sit ups!
* on sat night, I saw a bunch of people chatting to harlequin. Not many people normally talk to him, so this was really cool. I saw Lachlan talking to him (a few weeks ago Harlequin felt that Lachlan was ignoring him) and Harrison and kristy and karina.
* kristy has found a church where she is welcomed and has friends. This is great. People treated her badly at dac.
* T and I don't fight anymore.
* I feel like I did the right thing in telling Cie-anne. I offered an olive branch. If she wants things to get better, it's her turn; I don't have to give myself a headache over it any more.
* g groups on Friday may have sucked but the girls got thinking in a way they haven't before.
* drew's in a t group.
* yvette's at uni :)
* Mandy got me my first ever job (haven't started yet but...)
* lots of cool video games are coming out this year
* Trent is still in a church, hearing God's word and commands, even if he isn't applying them to his life.
* elise got a good job in Syd in a Christian environment and has a place to live and is finally out of this hell hole nd all it's problems.
* Chris and Rachel came to bible study
* Codey, for a long time, even though he's now gone, was coming to bible study. A seed planted. I miss him, but I'm hoping I'll see him again in heaven.
* Richard said his bible study is actually good. I miss him, but I'm glad.
* Alexis prayed for me on Sunday.
* Lisa came to hng out with us in the cafe on Sunday and will proba be coming to a bunch of young adult events.
* a nice guy at uni the other day stopped to help me out. I didn't really need it... I think he thought I was first year. Still, it was such a nice thing to do.
* and wow, how awesome is it that I apparently look like. First year. Hanaha. I'll take that as a compliment.
* I was only 6 points off passing the jlpt.
* with all the resources at my disposal, I reckon I could kick its ass this year.
* harlequin loves me.
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| #1367: things I'm upset about |
[09 Mar 2012|02:24pm] |
In the hope that writing them out may help me acknowledge them, instead of bottling it up.
* failing the JLPT. Again.
* having a stuffed ankle and hardly being able to do anything without it hurting.
* when I got engaged I told Cie-anne personally. Even though I haven't seen her in a long time and she hurt me pretty bad by never coming to see me when she said she would. I thought she'd like to know, so I told her. We used to talk about being each others bridesmaids, and I wasn't willing to pretend that I would even consider her, but I still told her I was engaged. And she spouted all this stuff about how she missed me and Harlequin so much and wants to see us again and blah blah blah. Anyway, she's engaged now. She didn't tell me. She didn't respond even when I said congratulations to her.
* actually this kind of thing happens a lot. I'm often trying to be friendly and lovely and offering olive branches to people. So it stings whenever I get snubbed. This happens a lot.
* my brother also never told me he was engaged. I also went to visit him for Christmas and felt a little bit like I shouldn't have been there when everyone was doing all their gift exchanging (I bought gifts for people) and uh... I just sat there at the side of the room, watching.
* I really miss Harlequin whenever I'm not with him.
* a few of my emotional breakdowns from over the last few years have been brought to my mind recently and it's like I'm feeling ll the things all over again.
* I led a g group on Friday and it went terribly. I hate big g groups. I hate not preparing my own study. I hate this series.
* uni really sucks so far this year. Really, really sucks. I don't want to be there.
* selfishness of other people bothers me. Some of the explicit things that bother me I have been guilty of in the past.
* people who don't want to talk, who just want you to listen, really bother me. I've always been a big listener so I haven't noticed this in the past but I've realised that even if I do need to talk some time, especially if I want to be talking to a Christian, Harlequin is basically the only person I've got. But so many people use me as their person to talk to. And sometimes I feel like I can't deal with it any more.
* I very rarely want to be around my mother. This has been difficult lately.
* I keep missing my alarm. Then when I wake up late I feel like a lazy piece of poo.
* I'm oversleeping.
* I'm so tired.
* and it's cold. And I'm taking it a little personlly that we never got summer.
While I'm sure I could keep going, I'm getting tired so I'm going to stop. And... I'm goi g to make my next post an experiment.
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| #1366 |
[09 Mar 2012|11:07am] |
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I, uh... I haven't been doing too well the last few days. I'm... I'm feeling pretty down.
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| #1365: Small wins |
[07 Mar 2012|05:22pm] |
I'm not incredibly healthy. I've been working on it lately. I started trying to get fit during my holidays (including, about two weeks ago, doing my first ever sit up after a while of trying to work myself up to that ability... it's anchored, but still...)
I haven't been that active lately though, because I stuffed my ankle at a karate class and *everything* seems to aggravate it. But I've picked up a calorie counter and have been good with what I eat, am drinking good amounts of water, limiting my caffeine cosumption, and I've completely cut out soft drinks. Today I ate two squares of chocolate because I'm pretty sure I'm pre-menstrual and I have been miserable and I'm pimply (usually clear signs I'm about to get my period) and I'm also miserable because of my ankle... so I had just two squares of chocolate as an indulgence, whereas like, a couple of months ago, I'd easily be going through like a big bar or a bag of maltesers a day.
I'm putting up a lot better with things I'm not fussed on the taste of (have been cutting down the sugar and milk I use in tea to.. well, almost negligible) because it's become very clear to me that *taste doesn't really stick around that long*. It used to. When I drank soft drink heaps and would hve nasty aftertaste for hours. But the bitterness of tea? That only lasts for like, ten minutes. Plus I think the amount of water I'm drinking is helping with that after taste thing, haha.
I'm easily eating smaller serving sizes. I need to cut down more (I still love eating... probably always will...) but I'm going pretty good. I haven't managed to cut down to what my calorie counter says is ideal, but I'm going pretty good. And I think a few more days and I'll have it down pat.
I've never taken much care with my teeth. My dental care has been amazing lately and it feels great.
Nails, too, were always a big problem for me. I didn't take care of them, bit them right down. But they have been unbitten and painted for the last month and they look beautiful. No breakages or anything. Hang nails are annoying (okay, so I often bite them off...) but my nails look fantastic.
But the biggest small win I really wanted to write about is this.
Having just started getting back into situations around other people, I've also developed a need to *wear a belt* so I don't show anyone a plumbers crack.
And today, I was like, "oh, this feels a bit loose, I could probably tighten it one more notch" and promptly noticed that I already had my belt as tight as it would go.
And while all of the other things have been ongoing, didn't happen today... that just felt flipping amazing. Especially after having a hard day with two unproductive trips to the clinic about my ankle (it's full of fluid but nothing is damaged. Not much I can do but take it easy), premenstrual woes and so on and so on.
It *sucks* that it took so long as "I better take care of this stuff before I get married" to finally take care of my body. I hope I can continue taking care of my body even after I get married.
(I GOT ENGAGED. SO EXCITED. MY RING IS BEAUTIFUL AND I KEEP LOOKING AT IT. HARLEQUIN IS AMAZING AND I WANT TO BE AROUND HIM ALWAYS... funny stories there too).
But yeah. Rambles over.
tl;dr: today, belts-usually-too-small me thought "oh, this belt could stand to be tighter" found belt was already at it's tightest. Felt fantastic.
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| #1363 |
[13 Nov 2011|10:24pm] |
Oh, I can blame the haircut as much as I want. The problem's not my haircut; it's my heart.
But I think I'm beginning to figure out a way to start dealing with it. Or to tackle the real issue. Whatever.
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| #1362 |
[12 Nov 2011|09:38pm] |
I've been receiving a lot of compliments lately. Yeah, yeah, I drastically changed my hairstyle and I've never done that before and it looks flipping awesome. Well that's not all that I've been complimented on. A few (beautiful <3) kids told me that I was their "inspiration". But this post is about the... external stuff. Like the hair.
I have a humongous ego. And I acknowledge this. And I know it's silly, and I'm not perfect, I'm filled with faults, but I still have a humongous ego.
And I'm the sort of person who is on the outskirts of cliques... but... Well even though I've been forging a few rock solid relationships lately, I'm still that one chick who groups of friends don't invite to exclusive hang-outs. That people stand up, and don't bother to call when things change (yup, happened again today...). BUT I'm generally well-liked, and I know this. And I try not to do the same things to other people so it establishes a terrible superiority complex.
I have a terrible attitude regarding my self-worth.
It continues.
There's a person whose approval I... well, I don't actively seek their approval, but I guess I am often conscious of the possibility of not receiving it. I pick outfits that I think this person would like when I think I may possibly see them. Maybe that is active seeking after all. I take extra care not to look like a dag, not to look like a real person with real issues, all these kind of things. You know, I'm cheery, bubbly, pretty, sweet, blah blah blah. And it's not someone I'm close to. Not really. Though I suspect they're maybe not close to all that many people, but anyway.
This person said to me a few days ago that they'd been waiting for a chance to tell me that they really liked my haircut. I'd taken extra care to make it look good that day because I knew I might see them. We chatted for a bit, and I was glowing. I was really happy.
How vain is that?
Furthermore, why am I like this? Why do I yearn for the approval of arbitrary people for stupid reasons, and not take care to present myself to my boyfriend as a beautiful person inside and out? I dress like a dag around my boyfriend. I treat him horribly sometimes. Oh, and I know what people say it's because you love them/feel comfortable with them, you can be yourself around them. I think it's rubbish! The way I act around my (AMAZING) boyfriend shows, I think, that I don't care enough what he thinks about me. And I acknowledge that I care waaay too much about what this other person thinks about me.
My boyfriend doesn't know of these frustrations. Well, he knows that I have a giant ego, and he knows that my haircut is amazing and everyone thinks so, but I doubt he knows how much I yearn for the approval of others.
It's terrible. It's ridiculous how much a stupid haircut can lead to... ohh, horrible vanity problems. I love my hair. I want to keep this cut for the rest of my life, it's amazing.
And I felt sad that soon, the "oh my goodness Amy your new haircut is amazing!" phase would be over... how silly is that? And I was like "I understand why people change their hair so often attention is great"... how conceited. Nevermind that I would never receive attention like this from another haircut (I suspect a lot of the attention comes from the fact that I've never really done anything drastic with my hair... so like the out-of-nowhere-ness of it) but... vanity is taking a terrible toll on me. It brings to surface problems I thought I had dealt with.
And I loved it. I loved it that someone whose approval I so desperately wanted told me that I looked good. That they'd been waiting for a chance to tell me. I guess I still do love it.
But oh, my heart is rotten. And I want change.
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| #1361 |
[12 Nov 2011|09:30pm] |
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I love singing with God's people, my family, when I haven't been to church for a while.
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| #1360 |
[08 Nov 2011|03:13pm] |
Sorry, but you can't both complain that one person doesn't do enough, and try to force another person into doing stuff to help them just because you dislike them.
Make up your mind.
Either the person who doesn't do enough does more.
Or the person you dislike and want to inflict more work upon helps them.
You can't choose one and complain about the other.
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| #1359: Splitting into two blogs again. |
[31 Aug 2011|10:40pm] |
Some time over a year ago, I created a religious blog for... well, religious exposition I guess. I haven't used it since November last year, but after my earlier post intend on resuming. I will continue to post here (moreso than there), including things like bible verses and quotes.
Felt I should note that.
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| #1358: Fifty/fifty |
[31 Aug 2011|08:42pm] |
I saw someone do this on facebook and I wanted to do the same. Fifty things I hate and fifty things I love. I hope hate will be difficult and love will be easy. I guess we'll see.
( Read more... )
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| #1357: Voiceworks |
[31 Aug 2011|05:08pm] |
I read a fantastic short story in the most recent Voiceworks (Other) called 'Of Mortal Men and Finite Space', by a guy called Michael Richardson. And it was so good that it sent me to google to see if I could search out this guy, but no such luck. Whatever. If I can't plug him I'll at least plug Voiceworks.
From another piece in it, 'Wild Things' by Kate Cantrell (nonfiction):
'The thing that worries me,' she says, 'is that they don't have facial expressions. All they have is two eyes and a beak. At least with dogs and cats, you know what they're going to do.'
I close my menu.
'Birds are small and fluffy.'
'I know,' she says, nodding. 'But I'm scared they will do something unpredictable, like flap their wings in my face.'
'That's terrifying,' I agree.
(07)
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| #1356: Silk |
[30 Aug 2011|10:32pm] |
He was, besides, one of those men who like to witness their own life, considering any ambition to live it inappropriate.
It should be noted that these men observe their fate the way most men are accustomed to observe a rainy day (7-8).
I don't like this book. I dislike the structure (though I started off disliking the structure of IOAWN and now adore it, still need to talk about that sometime) and Hervé rubs me up the wrong way. The above paragraph is all we've got on him, really, in the first few pages... and he sounds yuck already.
But the end of the book got me. And I couldn't stop thinking about it. And I will get to the root of this... preoccupation.
I also need to write to Phil sometime to clarify stuff, but oh, too many things to handle, to think about. This is my mental note (as I fear my mental note will just go forgotten if it is not recorded).
Also, it seems that I am currently surrounded by people getting engaged and married. It's not even Spring yet, guys, keep it in your pants. Of course, this comes with outside pressure.
I bought a present for Lach today and he didn't show.
Now, a cup of tea for a long night of prep and markups.
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| #1354: Things |
[30 Aug 2011|01:47pm] |
Boo at blurty breaking yesterday. Boo at the oven maybe being broken.
A picture I like: http://www.stuckincustoms.com/2011/08/29/bridges-in-zurich/
A quote I like: The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean. (Robert Louis Stevenson)
I want to do a 50/50 loves/hates thing. I have to get back to work. I am busy. I am tired. I like some of my work intensely. I dislike a superior intensely.
I am not sleeping well at night.
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| #1353 |
[28 Aug 2011|05:05pm] |
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Lachlan is a pretty awesome guy. I hope he knows this.
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| #1352 |
[28 Aug 2011|12:27am] |
A considerate friend has tried to point me in the direction of 'good, contemporary Australian poetry', as I am not a poet but am supposed to be working with poets at the moment. The only problem is, I really don't like what I'm reading. It feels like the writers are all to happy to insert line breaks, because that's just what you do, and I'm sooooo not interested.
I have read quite a few now (skim read... if I'm not interested in the first few lines I'm not bothering) but this is the only poem I've actually liked:
http://cordite.org.au/poetry/ozko-envoy/midnight/
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| #1351: from Tuesday night |
[27 Aug 2011|04:54pm] |
'I think the very definition of rich is someone with more money than you, isn't it?' - Jim
'I love you so' - Jeannie (I particularly liked this because JCo had recently said something quite similar to me. I love it when my ego is inflated.)
About Zacchaeus in the tree (don't know who said this, maybe Richie, maybe Jim) - 'How many people can say that Jesus looked up to them?'
I have not yet had a chance to go over Wednesday's papers, so I'm not sure if anything was said that I want to record here. I will probably go through papers on Monday.
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| #1350: Bible verse |
[27 Aug 2011|04:23pm] |
Have been thinking for a while about what is left out of a story (what's happening behind the scenes or whatever), or, what is revealed and what is concealed.
And I've heard people say that the bible reveals all but there are things concealed by the bible, fo sho. I think people want it to be simple. Ha! No such thing.
I digress.
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Revelation 10:3-4
When he shouted, the voices of the seven thunders spoke. And when the seven thunders spoke, I was about to write; but I heard a voice from heaven say, "Seal up what the seven thunders have said and do not write it down."
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Okay, so people don't just do it with religion. I've heard of writers who put everything they think of into their work, like they went through so much painstaking effort to think of this stuff, it shouldn't be left out.
I'm a fan of leaving stuff out.
Misapplication of scripture? Maybe. I think I just wanted to display the reveal/conceal binary.
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| #1349: Harlequin |
[27 Aug 2011|04:19pm] |
has been asleep practically all day. This annoys me. There are some things I need help with. And sometimes it seems all he does is sleep/work/Starcraft. I want him to become a reader again.
I told him he couldn't play StarCraft next to me while I'm focusing on work. He don't want none of that.
And the last four hours have been quite productive. Now for more!
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