Nature Wished's Blurty

Time:

11:35 pm.

So I told Carolina today that I had a crush on her for a while, but had to end it b/c Luke was closing in on it. I kindof said it nonchalantly. I'm not too sure how she felt about it b/c it wasn't exactly in a private setting where we could sit down and talk about it.

Kinda sucks, but... It's done. And even though it was in the past, I'm glad I got it off my chest.

I took the day off today. I called Millie and told her I wasn't feeling well. So I played games for a little bit, got some reading done, and then headed off to work @ King for MSOE Tutoring. That was relaxing.

I needed a small break from life and I achieved that today.

This week is Greek Week and so far, it's been fun. Met some cool people and tagged faces with names; vice-versa.

Other than that, nothing's been new... Life's boring and repetitive. And we all know how much I hate that.

I'm trying really hard to change my outlook on life. I had a small chat w/ Mamma Hancock today and she gave me a few pointers. Life's hard and has different meanings, so we shouldn't be looking for just one answer. I have to do things for myself and if there are going to be people in my life that bring me down, bring 'em on b/c I can either work with them, or work past them.

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Oh, and I felt rebellious today. I saw an old art piece I did and there it was, just on an easel in the middle of the art corridor @ King. I was, like, "WTF. That's mine.". I looked around to make sure no one was looking and I dashed up the stairs with my piece in hand. There was a little adrenaline rush there. I'm a total badass.

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I'm outtie people. TTyL.

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Time:

6:03 pm.

So like I said before, there are a lot of things that have been really bothering me lately.

First off, the winter. I get my seasonal depression here and there and it really wasn't that bad last winter. It's now officially fall and getting colder. I don't know what's wrong w/ me... I used to love Fall and all of its colors and crunchy leaves. I used to love Winter too, b/c it meant snow forts and snowball fights. But now... It's just getting bad.

I'm hating the cold weather and the prospect of snow. Shoveling, trudging through it on campus, it being cold... and wet. Ugh.

I've even been getting mad at my dog lately. Normally, her begging for food doesn't phase, but now I've found myself yelling at her and later that night, I look at her and just feel bad b/c of the way I treated her earlier that day.

Maybe it's just my seasonal depression and maybe it's some other underlying problem I've yet to self-diagnose.

I get mad @ myself for things I can and cannot control. I was @ LaCage last night and I was upset w/ myself b/c I didn't look like 92% of the guys there - small, slender, thin, some tall, rippling-ab bodies, nice skin, etc (Hell, I even blamed myself b/c I didn't have the blond-hair, blue-eyes look). I got mad @ myself b/c I know there are things I could've done when I was younger to prevent myself from looking like the way I do now. I'm disappointed w/ myself b/c I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm disappointed in myself b/c I've never had anyone like me to the extent of me crushing on someone back. I kept reassuring myself that I would die w/ no one beside me. Maybe some dogs; no kids, no loved ones. I'm going to be that old man on the corner of his porch waiting for kids to step on his lawn, just to verify the universal human desire to socialize.

I don't want to go to a doctor or psychologist for my issues b/c I don't want my parents finding out. I don't want them to complain even more about how I'm a financial drain on the family. I don't want mom to shoot me disgusting looks everyday. I don't want my dad to force conversations, like he's done in the past when emotional issues have come up regarding me. I don't want my sister and brothers pretending that I don't exist. Everyday, I walk into a house where I can't even call home...

I want that typical family where someone can appreciate me. No one does in my family... Which is why it's so hard for me to trust people; why I don't go out and socialize more and why I don't make true friends easily. There are times when I force the fake facade over myself and pretend that I'm happy when I'm truly not; deep-down.

And this whole bisexuality-nonsense... I don't know what to make of it either. Even last night, I still feel really awkward in gay bars and similar situations. And that's another thing too... I can't see myself with a man for the rest of my life, nor a woman. I don't know what to make of it and it's devastating to feel this way. With the limited guy experience I have, I've always enjoyed being held by someone warm... With my last major crush, whenever he hugged me, (as cliche' as this sounds) I didn't want him to let go b/c of the way I felt and the warmth of his body against mine. However, with a girl, I've always enjoyed having those natural protector-feelings and making sure she's taken care of. I think I want kids one day, but I don't know...

I don't know what I want in any aspect of my life...

Major news - I may be switching majors... Fuck.

I'm currently 22 with nothing to show for it. My life could very well be a a third or fourth done, or even half done for all I know... And honestly, that's not very long.

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Time:

9:49 pm.

This CVSL Retreat was really fun and a lot of people who I told to come (but otherwise did not sign up) missed out on a lot. I met so many cool people this weekend and did some cool ass shit.

Went late-nite skinny-dipping w/ my new friends Cody and Katie, booze quests, whiskied games of Never-Have-I-Ever and sharing Nair stories, skipping over piles of horse shit (quite literally), sleeping in off-limit cabins, potential cab rides to old-man bars, homemade bonfires, episodes of Lost and Dog Whisperer, and late-night walks... Great times, great times.

New friends feel great.

---

Skinny-dipping feels even better though. Damn, if it was socially acceptable and no one cared what I looked like, I'd be a nudist.

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And really, I don't mean to brag, but damn. Haha. I'm quite an awesome guy. People knew me by my name and a few even invited me to sit w/ them during meal-times. It's said that I was "cool shit" - Haha. I was even nicknamed "Hurley" b/c I apparently remind a few people of Lost's Hurley due to my personality. Frankly, I don't know anything about Lost but I felt good about it regardless :)

It was a good, much-needed confidence/self-esteem booster.

Thank you new friends, Laurie Marks, and random decisions :)

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Time:

10:21 pm.

Well, my 22nd birthday was decent. Really didn't do anything extensive, yet Tuesday night was the night of all nights. Wednesdays went to Brother's for Wings and a lot of people came for that. Thursday was my Pizza Shuttle dinner night w/ a few close friends and that was all good enough for me.

Other than that, I really haven't been up to much...

I'm so jealous of Chris' tattoo he got the other day. It's set along his forearm and in whispy, bold letters, it says "Imagine" in blacks, grays, and light reds. It's really kickass. Said he got it done @ Atomic for $250 (which is out of my price range). I should've taken a picture of it.

Ooo... Maybe he's on Facebook.

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Two accounts. Damnit. I'll have to ask him to add me instead.

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Tomorrow's the UWM CVSL Retreat. I'll be outta town tomorrow from 8AM to Sunday about 5PM, then meeting... Ugh.

I'm actually really excited to be doing this retreat. Symphony and Naomi are going so I won't be the only one there. Plus, I'm a group leader so I'll be in charge of 20-sum people.

---

'tis it for now I suppose.

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Time:

1:21 pm.

Ok, no offense or anything, but I think ANYONE who votes Republican this time around is a fuckin' dumbass douche. McCain and Palin are not for the people at all. And for those who think Obama won't do anything good either, at least he's got a plan and is encouraging change. Like he was saying, he can't make change by himself. It's up to us. Sure, giving him preisidency will definitely help promote his changes, but he can't do it alone. He's counting on us.

McCain and Palin, if they won, are going to have the next 4 years the same as the last 8. And if McCain dies... WTF. Palin... An inexperienced politician (who just 4 years ago wanted to be a TELEVISION ANCHOR) ... As PRESIDENT?! No. It'll make America's next/biggest DUMB-FUCK mistake.

Oh, and WTF. Just b/c McCain served in the war and was a POW for 4-5 years DOES NOT MEAN that we, as Americans, need to give him the presidency on a silver platter. Being president SHOULDN'T be his reward.

Fuck you McCain/Palin Administration.

And Obama's got WAY more government/political experience than this bitch Palin. Dude, someone needs to shoot her for naming her kids their names too. WTF. Stupid whore.

Yes. You can tell I don't like Republicans.

I'm fairly certain Obama will win. It's like this everytime. A cycle. Last 8 years were Republican. The 8 before that were Democrats. Before Clinton was another Republican. However, I don't want to leave anything to chance. Obama and McCain are in a dead heat race right now.

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Time:

8:37 pm.

So I occasionally still talk to some of my students b/c I really want to know how well they're doing in life and whether or not they're making the right decisions. One of them I talk to over Facebook sometimes. Nice kid. I had a few issues w/ him 2 summers ago, but we kinda bonded over this past summer b/c he "grew"up and noticed there were some negative inlfuences in his life and chose to stay away from them.

Anyway, so he asks me over Facebook if I would be offended if he asked me about the fake FB relationship I was in and why I never talked about him over the summer. I kinda knew where he was going w/ it. Suddenly, I'm, like, "Oh shit. What do I do?!". I kinda redirected the question (kinda lied, but not really) and I said that I'm pretty much an open book, however, if I knew what he was trying to get at, I told him it wasn't like that at all...

After I said that, he apologized for the way the direction of the question was going and I said that it wasn't a big deal and that it takes a lot for me to get mad or upset w/ someone. He then just signed off. Was he just wondering about the "break-up", or was he opening up about something?

Moral of this short little blurb is... Should I really have been afraid? I'm kindof in the same boat as Maria was when I was in the program. Maria's a lesbian and one day, she caught herself talking about liking this chick. I was one of those students who was never really noticed b/c all the adults liked me anyway and didn't really care much about what I heard. Then Maria gave me this little shpeel about being a lesbian and how she doesn't want that to negatively affect her work performance or rapport w/ any of the students, teachers, or parents.

It just made me think of that moment...

When he asked me this (or was about to), my heart started racing... I could feel it in my chest and thought something was going to go wrong w/ me. Did I need to be afraid? Was it justified? If he didn't know what I meant and he asked anyway, what would I have answered? I seriously thought about calling Beth or Maria and asking what I should do in this situation.

I'unno... I was just thinking...

---

Sometimes, I wish I was str8 so I wouldn't have to deal w/ this whole figuring-out-sexuality dealio. It'd be nice one day to have a definite persuasion instead of going upon personality...

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Time:

8:48 pm.

I really don't know why I'm in school...

Why does society have to pressure the acquisition of a college degree? Especially on those who have no clue what they want to do in college.

Ugh. I fail to understand how people have passion for things b/c honestly, I don't have it.

Sure, I like education. And biology. And photography and art. I like learning about sea animals and I want to be a racecar driver... At times, I want to just travel and do nothing else. Or go into Hollywood makeup or graphic design. Or become some author and write books in corner coffeehouses. Sometimes I just really really REALLY hate myself b/c I'm never decisive... I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life and I don't even know where to begin to find out.

It's just a bad cycle... If I don't have a college degree, then I won't be able to be those cool things I dream of doing. Doing those things require money, which I won't make enough if I don't have a college degree. Not doing those things is going to force me to live a very repetitive life.

Maybe I should just go into business, make thousands of dollars, and save up...

All this indecisiveness leads into other areas of my life, from relationships to everyday common decisions.

I hate that I'm always laid back and easy-going. Life isn't care-free and I should start acting like it's...

Ugh! I fuckin' hate how everything new I do has to be based off some kindof other experience.

That's what I've been taught.

Is Life really this boring? Why can't I get that adrenaline rush I want?

Can I just be the next Dirty Jobs guy? I forget his name... Oo shit. Maybe I should go into broadcast and get my own TV show...

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So I wanna get this new laptop... The Dell Mini 9 laptop. Completely wireless. No CD drive (which kinda turns me off). Weighs 2.28 lbs. Battery life 4 hours, 2GB free internet storage, 16GB memory (which is another thing that turns me off [though it is a Solid State drive]). But seriously... Everything's going wireless nowadays. And even then, I can get an external harddrive and store my music and videos on that. I really just want it for school so I can take it to places, instead of using this crap-"desktop". Oh! And it's so small :)

Maybe I should just wait til the solid state drives increase in size...

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Time:

12:27 pm.

Wow... Poor Lauren. She really is a sweet girl. I hope she gets better... :(

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UWM Student Crushed By Semi
Jay Olstad
(http://www.todaystmj4.com/news/local/27958344.html)

FRANKLIN - A University of Wisconsin Milwaukee student is in critical condition after being crushed by a semitrailer truck.

The Coca-Cola truck had just finished a delivery at the Sentry Foods store at 7140 S. 76th St. in Franklin. The driver made a narrow turn to leave around a group of sorority sisters washing cars.

The turn proved too narrow and 22-year-old Lauren Molitor became pinned between the semi and an SUV the young women were washing.

"We heard something and we saw all the vehicles coming," said witness Cheryl Sadowski.

It was a shortly after 1:00 Saturday afternoon when she heard the commotion from a block away.

She rushed to an elderly woman sobbing.

"I just kept hugging her telling her to pray that it would be OK," she said.

She says that woman was Lauren's grandmother.

Froedtert Hospital listed Molitor in critical condition. Franklin Police Chief Rick Oliva told TODAY'S TMJ4 she suffered major internal injuries.

Molitor along with her fellow members of the Kappa Tau sorority were in the middle of washing the black SUV as part of a fundraiser for juvenile diabetes.

That's when police said the Coke truck crushed Molitor up against the vehicle.

"She was pinned for a short time. They did move the truck a few feet in order to release her from being pinned," said Chief Oliva.

At this point, police are calling this an unfortunate accident. They do not believe the driver was drinking or did anything wrong.

Molitor is a senior at UWM in the School of Education.

The Molitor family requested prayers, according to a Froedtert spokesperson. Family members, friends and sorority sisters remained at the hospital Saturday night hoping for an improvement.

This as a lot of people wonder: how could this happen?

"It's not unusual to see car washes here. And I've never heard of anything like this happening," said Sadowski.

TMJ4 went to the Wauwatosa home of the 36-year-old semi driver. The driver declined comment at the scene and at his home. A woman who answered the door at the home said the driver is distressed about what happened.

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Today's first chapter meeting of the semester. It's gonna be long as hell...

Last night was fun. I forgot how much fun I can have w/ ma' boys :) When you're having fun w/ your fraternity brothers, it's good to know that all the shit that you have between each other, in the end when we're all having fun, it's all forgotten and we can get past that petty shit.

It's an ability others need to learn.

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Now onto downloading random music like always :D

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Time:

7:49 pm.

Bursar's Office still has a hold on my account... But it turns out it's from ECSI, my loan lenders. Apparently, I didn't make the last 2 payments and I figured out why. Turns out at the end of the payment process, there's another discretely hidden button that you have to press to finalize the transaction. I was kinda wondering why there was extra money in my account... Fuck.

Well, I took care of it so I should be all set to go w/ my classes tomorrow. I had my Philosophy Class today and it seems interesting enough. The main topic is epistemology, which is basically the philosophical study of knowledge - What's knowledge? What's true and what's belief? Yada yada yada... The professor's cool and funny as shit so I like him.

And, umm... I'unno what else. This semester's going to be a repeat of last semester... Yay for repetition...

If you don't know me, I absolutely *hate* repetition.

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Time:

8:53 pm.

I wanna know why my computer's been so fuckin' slow since I've been back from Colorado. No bitches better have been on my computer. That's all I gotz'ta' say.

Anyway, I still need to sign up for a class... I'll do that sometime late tonight.

I'm going to the Mini-Course office straight away tomorrow morning to fill out paperwork so I can get ma' job back :) I'll be working @ MSOE too. Hopefully I can pick up more hours...

MATC didn't work out b/c I need to attend student orientation before I can sign up for classes and I was in Colorado when they had their last one. Sad day... (Not really).

This semester's going to work out just like the last... Yay for repetition...

Luke asked me to move in w/ him b/c he needs a roommate, however, I don't know if it'll work out. I'd love to b/c I love the guy (he's like my actual brother), but he's thinking about moving to Riverwest... LoL - Umm... I already live in Riverwest and he's thinking about moving 2-3 blocks away from me. But I'unno. I told him I'd consider it. I'd hafta' do a budget first to see if I can both PAY rent and SAVE money.

I feel kinda bad leaving Dusan like I did... Well, he still hasn't paid me for the last week that I worked, so I should talk to him regardless. I don't think he caught the picture b/c he called me, asking if I could pick up a few hours (again).

Bills are stacking up...

Ugh...

Car insurance...
Loan 1...
Loan 2...
Cell phone bill...
Upcoming tuition...
TKE Dues...
Finishing up TEF fees...

Woohoo! (Not really).

(Which makes me think I wouldn't be able to afford to move out anyway...)

Anyway, I'm outta here to go pick up Philz @ el Starbucks, then to his place to hang out w/ Jenni, Jordan, perhaps Jess, and maybe Jamie.

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Time:

6:35 pm.

Well, I'm in Denver currently... Actually kindof boring here. Not much to do if you're not driving. Anyway, I was @ the DNC Watch Party last night and learned a lot more on health care. Free food and booze was offered so I definitely took advantage of that. I'm w/ a group of old pretty liberal women who are seriously A FRICKIN' BLAST and have dirty minds. It's great. I think I'll be getting more involved w/ them once I get back. They opened up an office in Mequon. It's not my local office, but I'll see what I can do about volunteering w/ them.

Hilary's speech last night was amazing. I really hope Obama wins... Fuck Republicans and Independents.

Hurt my knee yesterday too... Twisted it b/c my foot was planted in the ground when I made a bad turn... LoL - Only me, right?

Jess and I went out to Estes Park and the Stanley Hotel today, where they shot the movie The Shining. It was a decent time.

I miss Milwaukee... Denver isn't the city for me.

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So anyway, I wanted to write about this for awhile. I have time now b/c I'm not doing anything...

I am honestly not a big fan of people who say, "Hey! Let's hang out soon! I miss you! I'll call you tomorrow night!" when you damn well know that most likely they won't even pick up the phone to call. Friendship is never a one-way street. I absolutely hate it when I'm the only one in the friendship who takes the initiative to call up the other person and ask if they want to hang out. When the other person doesn't take this initiative, to me, it makes it seems like they don't even give a damn. This is a reason why I only talk to a certain few from high school even more. I was really talkative and I thought I had a lot of friends back @ King, however, I realize that most of them were never really good friends.

This situation applies to select individuals even today; people I've met in TKE, other sororities, school, or even online. I'm not saying I'm giving up on them, I just say that it's their turn to make a move. If they don't want to hang out w/ me anymore, fine. I don't care anymore. I'll hang out w/ people I know who will give a damn and call me up. I'm not going out of my way anymore to reconnect b/c frankly, I'm not going to do 80% of the work while they sit back and do nothing. It may be essentially a sad or wrongful thing to do, but when you're in my shoes, you'll see.

I'd rather have a few great, truthful friends than just a bunch of friendly associates.

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Subject:	New Beginnings...
Time:	2:23 pm.

Well, UWM has screwed me once again... Indirectly. Anyway, apparently you have to complete 9 credits worth of classes before you can go full-time again. I have 6 of those credits done already. However, I can appeal the rule if I want to, which sounds lengthy as hell. Leilo even backed it up, saying Marcus did that and he ended up paying for it himself b/c it took too long.

I will no longer be employed w/ Mini-Courses then, meaning I'll have to find a new job. I'm applying to MillerCoors though. They've actually got an opening for a tour guide of the facilities. WE Energies has opening for working in the call center too, amazingly @ $15/hour. Cool thing about Miller though is you get free beer all the damn time. I've never been a big fan of beer, however, I can bring it home for dad or Gino. I'm applying for both jobs. Good thing I already have experience as a tour guide. Now to just beef up my resume...

I'm thinking MATC is in my future... I'll finish a few courses there and get an Associate. Not necesarily my dream, but I have to do what I have to do. Maybe I can get an Associate in Graphic Design, then finish up at MIAD to get a Bachelor's... Who knows.

And my mom's cousin added me on Facebook... I have no clue who she is. Mom says she hasn't seen her for more than 30 years, so I'm guessing this woman's more than 45 years old... Why the hell is this woman adding me on Facebook? She doesn't even have a picture. She's got a picture of a vodka bottle as her profile pic.

I'm going on the treadmill once again and running... I'm dreading it, but I want to lose the weight. I gained it back after MSOE and I'm disappointed in myself. I hate running... I'll lift weights and do push-ups n' crap, but I just absolutely hate running... Maybe I can speed-walk my ass to Beijing.

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