Nature Wished's Blurty

Time:

12:04 am.

I have a love/hate relationship with Milwaukee... I hate it here because there's nothing to do in this town w/o having to spend money on food, movies, or booze. I swear, those are the only things you can do in this town - Eat, sleep, go see a movie, or drink (All of which getting boring and repetitive after time). Do I love-love this city? Absolutely not. Do I like it? Well, you can't really call it that... I guess you can say that I tolerate Milwaukee.

I really don't know where I want to be in 10 years... I don't know about 5. Do I want to be in Orlando and work for the Mouse again? Do I want to go out to the East Coast and try to make $70K/yr?

I really don't know what's going to make me happy...

I loved working at Disney because my coworkers and I were working together under a common goal. We all loved Disney (with the exception of myself, b/c I was never really a "Disney" kid. I left Milwaukee b/c of certain reasons [that, and I just needed to LEAVE]) The same thing w/ TKE. I love my guys. Even though we may rough it at times, I know they've got my back.

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Wow... I just felt Hell freeze over... FML.

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I just wanna get a motorcycle and drive across the country. Motorcycles aren't really my thing, but if that means I'd be able to get outta this town, I would

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Sometimes I wish I would've listened to the advice of some old friends and went to school out-of-state... I thought I had many good (valid) reasons for staying, but that's only because I wasn't putting myself at the top of my priority list.

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One day, I'll fly away from this place...

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Time:

8:53 am.

I've decided to go into work @ 10AM, instead of 9AM. Go me :D

Anyway, I haven't talked about my past weekend in Muskegan at all yet. It was a lot of fun actually. It was good catching up w/ Dylan, Megan, Mandi, Michael, and Andrea again. I've missed them all so much... Jess drove up and down w/ me from Muskegan, which was pretty cool of her to do.

Friday night was a little OC. We left Dylan's place a little late and ate TGIF's around 9:30/10:00PMish. Walk over to this gay club called Diversions in Grand Rapids. (PS - Grand Rapids is actually a cool city and does a lot of art-themed events according to Andrea. If I want some place to retire to, that may be it actually...). Anyway, we go to this club w/ Dylan's BF and a couple of his friends, who are pretty cool. I didn't really get a cool vibe from Brandon, but the other people were cool. I thoroughly enjoyed Dylan's cross-dressing tranny friend Connie LaRoca, who just started doing drag apparently. Cool kid... AND funny! Man, she was cool-beanz. She called us "Mouseketeers", which made me immediately love her. I have a couple of Facebook photos of her, both in and out of drag. I must admit though, it wasn't exactly the most fun I've ever had, but again, I loved seeing my friends again.

Saturday was better, moreso on a personal level. Watched movies, napped, went to Meijer's (first time!), Olive Garden (Why do people love this place so much?! It boggles me...), then did some drinking at night. I wasn't "sloppy freshman drunk" because I didn't want to completely embarrass myself. That, and I didn't want to do anything that I would regret in the morning.

Sunday morning, we all slept in and then headed to Burger King... Drama kindof hit the fan w/ Mandi and me. I was kindof avoiding the Talk, but not really... I wanted to have it w/ her, but I needed to formulate a response first. In conclusion, we're still friends. I don't think she was too happy w/ it, but... Nothing else I could do. I didn't know how to respond to her questions. I think she was expecting something a little unrealistic. She even said that she was expecting something different and viewed the weekend as totally something else... I didn't mean to upset her or make her cry.

We've sent each other FB messages and went back n' forth on how things are supposed to go. It's hard, especially when I'm as jaded as I am... I can't stand being hurt anymore, and I can't stand the thought of hurting her either. I want to be able to take that first leap, but I don't know how, nor do I know for a fact that I'm even able to take it if I knew how to take that jump. I don't want to be by myself for the rest of my life... I don't know what's holding me back. Is it my built-up, subconscious apathy that deters me from relationships? Who knows...

PS - Dylan's floor is not a comfy place to sleep... :/

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Time:

3:21 am.

So... I hurt someone close to me this weekend w/o ever intending to do so... Again, this is why I don't date.

I was thinking about it last night... I don't know if I'm too relaxed and laid back for dating, or if my few standards are simply too high (or too "demanding" rather). Or if I'm too apathetic for dating. My standards aren't complicated by any means (and happen to be socially acceptable I feel) - I don't want the jealous types, or clingy, obsessive, dramatic, matchstick types... I just want someone to be relaxed and not complicate things. I want someone who's daring and will do the things that are deemed "adventurous". I don't want someone who's going to require a vast majority of my time; someone who can utilize their "alone time." Honestly, is that so hard to ask?

I thought about it long and hard... But right now, a relationship of any kind (local or long distance) is simply out of the question. Juggling things like school, TKE, and work, I don't have enough time to properly devote to someone.

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Time:

2:12 am.

Can't believe Megan's finally going to be here this week! I'm so effing excited!! :D

She'll be here this Thursday midday. Art museum, tour of the city, dinner at the Milwaukee Ale House, then ComedySportz. Then Friday comes along and we'll be hitting the road to Muskegon, MI for Dylan's 21st birhday shindig! I need a vacation away from Milwaukee. Desperately.

After graduation, I won't call Milwaukee a home anymore. I'm excited for that. This city's too small for my own good. I need to get out and enjoy the world while I can. I want to travel everywhere and experience life and all it has to offer. I won't be stuck in this town in a dead-end job. No. I won't let that happen.

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Time:

10:54 am.

I really don't think I'm cut out for relationships... I already hurt her w/o even knowing it.

WTF.

Then again, I was half asleep... Can you really blame me? I prefaced this entire thing by saying to her that I don't know what feelings are (and that I'm out of tune w/ my own), but I do enjoy spending time w/ her. I told her this was going to take time and that I can't open up as easy as a book can. It doesn't help out either that I would be her first official boyfriend, so she doesn't know what to realistically expect... This, of course, is my own analysis on the situation, so I may be totally wrong.

Maybe I should be single for the rest of my life. That way, I don't have to hurt myself or others. I'd have only myself to worry about. Less confusion and less mess.

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Time:

11:28 pm.

Well, it's been awhile since I've updated last. I've been so busy with school, work, and TKE that I really don't have much time for myself anymore.

My last Disney trip was a lot of fun. Got to hung out with my favorite people again. Wish I could've hung out w/ Carlitos though, besides seeing him @ work. Sarah and Josh took me out clubbing w/ them to a gay bar, which was... Different from Milwaukee gay clubbing... Down there, you'd see men walking around casually with nothing but a thong. Here... Well, normal I guess.

And besides that and reality hitting me, I'm doing alright in school. I've now learned (yea, I know... Took me, what...? 5 years to get this down) that if you do ALL your homework and not miss an assignment you'll actually be fine in a class. I'm proud to say that I haven't missed a single assignment yet, but that doesn't mean I haven't been close to missing a piece...

My sister got married. I got drunk off of White Zinfadel (sp?). My sister and I actually hugged, which is extremely rare with me. I cried a little bit. She and my brother-in-law are in Vegas as of this moment, living the cliche' honeymoon dream.

And my relationship status? IDK. I did send Mandi a small birthday package though the other day. It included her sweater she wanted me to buy, along with a hand-made card and cookies I baked. I know it wasn't much, but hopefully it'll be the thought that counts... I packed the cookies pretty tight in the container, and cushioned it with a slice of bread.

Dylan's in a relationship w/ some guy he met in Muskegon. I'm happy for him. Dude deserves it. I get to meet his boy in November.

Oddly enough too, Andrea is going out w/ Alex, who is one of the two guys I made out with at my going-away shindig in Orlando back in June.

Megan's still coming in November, which excites the hell outta me. I miss the girl... She's my best Disney friend, whom I still talk to and text on a regular basis. I'm going to give her a tour of Milwaukee on that Thursday, then I'm going to roadtrip to Muskegon w/ her and Jess actually.

P.S. - Just found out Kim's going to be in MI too for Dylan's 21st... :D Score!!

So attendance for that weekend... Me, Mandi, Megan, Dylan, Kim, Michael, and Andrea... :D

I'm happy that I'm traveling. Traveling makes me a happy camper.

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Time:

10:47 pm.

My plane will be leaving in less than 12 hours...

Thank. You. Baby. Jesus.

Goodbye Milwaukee (temporarily).

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I really need to get out of this town... Three semesters. I hate living here, as everyone knows. I love my friends here, but I gotta keep doing things for myself. I'm moving down to Orlando with Dylan fo' sho'. Megan and Mandi will follow suit.

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Glee was pretty much amazing tonight. Need I say more?

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I'm happy by the prospect of being on Main Street, USA tomorrow... :)

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And my boss was a total bitch today... For real. I can't stand that she guilt-trips me at times. She yelled at me today because I didn't ask her if I could get my haircut... I'm not exaggerating one bit. She wanted me to stay later at work, but there wasn't anything much I could do because Heather was coming in and she needed work too. I gave Heather what I could. Trish thought I was staying until 5:30PM, but I told her I was leaving at 4PM. She yelled at me, but she left before I did, then I vented vocally to the office (Leilani, Millie, Heather). They all took my side and thought it was ridiculous that Trish was flippin'.

I understand she's got a lot on her plate right now, even with starting her own business, but that doesn't excuse sounding like a bitch.

Whatever.

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Time:

1:43 am.

I'll be flying over the state of Florida in less than 36 hours... I'm excited to be going back.

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I know my life is a little confusing right now... I've got this great girl after me, and it's the same back to her, but I've still got relationship hang-ups... I know I shouldn't be afraid anymore, but part of me still is.

My number one concern is that, if you know me, I'm not exactly the straightest guy in the room... She knows this. I'm in WI, she's in MI. She was at the same party when I made out w/ 2 guys (on accident), and she didn't tell me how she felt about it. I can't imagine her to be turned on by that... I'm not saying that I denounce that side of me (b/c it's built up to who I am today), but I'm just saying that it'd be ahelluva lot easier if I was solely interested in the opposite gender...

Everyone's telling me to go for it...

But do I have the energy and interest to devote to a long-distance relationship? How long is this going to last? If we do break-up, will there actually be a break-up?

I don't trust my feelings/emotions... They lie to me.

I don't know where I'm going to be in 2 years...

And besides, do I want a relationship? Sure, it'd be nice, but do I want to tie myself down to anyone at this moment?

There's still a FB message in my inbox that I've yet to reply to...

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Seriously, what are the ground rules for dating? I don't know... I know the basics, but how often am I supposed to talk to her? Visit her? Send her things? Buy her gifts? It's quite evident that I'm clueless in this kind of situation...

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Time:

11:58 am.

Alright, so I caved in... AGH!

Going back to Orlando for the weekend (I love saying that). October 1st-4th. Sarah's picking me up, Carlitos is taking me back. Staying at Sarah's when I'm there. Going to Mickey's Halloween Party. I can go w/ 1 meal a day. I don't have to worry about transportation. Seeing Annabel and Rachel before they head home to England. Hanging out w/ EVERYONE I know and love who are still down there - Carlitos, Peggy, Jayme, Brandon, Sarah, Tony, Victor, Jairi, Crystal, Ashleigh, Chris, Chris, Laura, Josh...

I'm missing 2 classes and TKE Meetings, I'll be on the brink of being broke, and I sacrificed buying a netbook when I come back... But IDC. It's worth feeling happiness again.

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Time:

5:50 pm.

I hate living in this house... Everyone yells and screams. There is never silence in this house unless everyone's gone or when everyone's sleeping. Even that's a rarity, as I was woken up last night by Ricky and his stupid friends OUTSIDE YELLING at each other. I can't stand this dysfunctional family...

I want out.

It's the little things that get me; that build up and up that I can't stand. Everyone accuses me of things when something's gone wrong. No one can look in the mirror and point out their own faults.

I'm a much happier person when I'm not with, around, or even thinking about my family.

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3 more semesters... And I'm done with this city.

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Just got paid today. Suwheet. I'm setting aside $500 for my potential England trip next year. If I save up $500/month, I should have enough to be ok on my own for a week or two. I don't have to worry about board, as I'll be staying w/ Lee, Annabel, and Rachel. Food will be kept to a minimum, as the British Pound is expensive to cash in on right now. I'll only really need to worry about transportation, but I heard they do alright in that department. I'm so happy to be traveling.

I was thinking about going to see Dylan for a weekend, but I don't know when I'd be down for that. I'm busy and I'd have to make sure Dylan would be free.

I've also decided that going to Disney for the weekend in October would be foolish financially, so I'm going to hold off on that until next year...

Yay me for being a responsible adult... :D

I was; however, thinking about getting myself a shiny new netbook... Who knows? :D

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Time:

9:05 pm.

I can't believe she would do that...

Alright, lemme preface this by saying I'm turning 23 in less than 3 hours. I haven't been too happy about it because I'm getting old and losing my youth. I'm graduating college late as hell, and work's been stressful/boring... Today was no exception to that.

Work isn't thrilling for me at this point in my life. I mean, I'm working tomorrow ON MY BIRTHDAY... Trish said I didn't have to come in, but I don't want to be around this house so I chose to work. I was bored all day today entering applications in our databases n' whatnot.

I came home from class today with a raincloud looming over my head. Seriously, I was a mix of Grumpy and Eeyore today (Sorry for the Disney references). I open the door to my room and there's this big package on my bed. I'm like, "WTF is this?!" and read the address label and saw Mandi's name on it...

I opened it up and there's a birthday card on top, with a bottle of Febreze (gag gift b/c I complained that my clothes smelled of day-old laundry one day), Mickey-shaped chocolate coins, and a framed collage of our Disney semester together...

I called her to thank her for being so amazing. I told her that this was the best thing anyone's ever done for me... And hand's down, it's true. I can't think of anything anyone's done something like this for me.

I texted Megan about this and she knew that Mandi was going to do this... Mandi still has feelings for me. Megan's telling me to seize the moment and that I should go for it... But I've only ever been used to disappointment. I couldn't bear myself if I brought the same thing upon her...

But honestly...

What's holding me back, other than this fear? Fears are meant to be overcome, right...?

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I've gotta do something amazing for her. I just have to, not because I should feel morally obligated to do it, but I have to do this because it's for Mandi. She's amazing and deserves it...

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Time:

8:56 pm.

Alright, so school started earlier this week. My classes seem to be fine actually.

I'm going to pass math this year, as the class is taught by a white guy AND there is NO textbook required for it. He gives us all the notes and goes over them in class. He gives out practice quizes AND practice tests for the ACTUAL quizzes and tests. The final exam is optional. The class is all about word problems. I have 2 TA's. Plus, Kelley's awesome at math and has offered her services to me. In addition, Wildman's back in town and is going to UWM for graduate school... And he's a math-major... All I have to do is score a C or better and I don't have to take another math class. Looks like it's my semester to shine mathematically :D

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Just got done w/ the elipticals downstairs... Kicked my ass again, but I'm slowly getting into the groove of things... For some reason, I could do a 1/2 hour on the elipticals and another 1/2 hour on the treadmill. Now, I can do 15 minutes on either without feeling the need to quit. It was so much easier to work out down in Orlando, partially because I was motivated to and I was so much happier down there. Maybe it was because of all that sun? I'm determined to lose weight again... It felt awesome losing those pounds and actually seeing results when looking at myself naked in the mirror (TMI).

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Planning several trips before the end of the year (Yes, I know... It's going to be expensive). Megan's coming in Milwaukee from West Virginia and we're going to Muskegan, MI for Dylan's birthday. Then maybe another weekend Disney trip so I can check out MK for their Halloween festivities. And then eventually down to Indy to see Bumin and Nick, and then stop @ TKE HQ.

I love traveling.

Next year, across the pond to England... :D

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