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Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
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8:52 pm - Inauguration Day; or, why my liberal friends accuse me of being anti-Obama
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I am not an Obamaniac. As a liberal Californian, this marks me as strange and unusual, indeed. I am nearly censured for this at every academic crossing, even more than I was chided for liking Clinton in the primaries. Recently, a good friend asked me what it would take for me to "admit" that Obama is a good president--more than a month before the man was even to take office! In this climate, it has seemed to me that to express any reservations about the future world to be found under Obama's administration has been treated as conservatism at best, cynicism at neutral, and sneakily hidden racism at worst. So, I have simply watched the events unfold, the rhetoric grow more florid and untenably worshipful, and the expectations mounts well past any hope of their being met by any one man. But, contrary to the suppositions of my peers, I have also been quietly rooting for Obama and his big-tent administration. It is, in fact, part of my support for the aims of the administration that I refrain from the hyperbolic rhetoric and the grandiose self-congratulation (at personal and national levels) circulating around the installation of our 44th President. Let me see if I can explain what I mean.
At the gym today, I watched on CNN and MSNBC as some of the inaugural events unfolded. The most remarkable thing, to me, was the spirit of the crowd. The 2000 ceremony was filled with bile, picketers lining the streets of the motorcade, hissing and booing to be heard in the crowd during appointee-Bush's speech. The mood was divided, dour, at most resigned. Today, the mood was light, expectant, almost jubilant. Celebrants lined the streets. People wept in hopes of their dreams for the U.S. being embodied, realized and even elevated by one man, Barack Obama.
And, he played to just that mood. He appeared hopeful, relaxed, ready for anything. His wife and family were proud, elated, but controlled, aware of the eyes of the world. His speech was, as his speeches tend to be, stirring, patriotic, concilliatory, and steeped in references to those values (and the historical figures most symbolically associated with them) closest to the heart of our national pride and truest to our best ambitions as humans and as a nation. It was, in short, an Event. This Inauguration, on the heels of a more widely-celebrated than usual MLK day, conspicuously featuring our then-President-Elect, will be the stuff of national mythology--a "where were you when?" day, one of the few positive such events to occur in my memory.
It works on me, too. I am hardly immune to nationalism, nor to the effects of a brilliant orator. I, like so many Americans and world citizens, root for Barack Obama. I think he faces enormous challenges, more than most presidents have faced, and enough to mire an entire administration in endless policy debates and moral quagmires. He will be at more risk than most presidents, in all likelihood, due to the U.S.'s eroded position in the world theater, particularly in the Middle East, due to the sweeping nature of his policy plans and the very real consequences they might mete out for those who've most raped the system in recent years, and due to the enduring legacy of racism.
He seems like a relatively good guy, all told. His heart seems to be in the right place, he's got a good head on his shoulders, a lively and challenging partner to keep him on track in his private moments, and a team of outstandingly well qualified and seasoned policy-makers and diplomats behind him. I hope that all of these things are enough help to make the next few years tenable for a man who just became the most scrutinized and pressurized human being on the planet. I hope he has the vision, the talent, and indefatiguable optimism, and the support system to survive the scrutiny without compromising himself into oblivion; I hope he can weather the storm, and that he deserves to do so. For me, though, all this remains to be seen; unlike seemingly millions of others, I will not give him or any other leader carte-blanche purely on anyone's say-so.
And that's still a sticking point for me...the hero-worship, the full-court press idolization of the man in the media and amongst the rank-and-file. It's not that he's not worthy of respect and admiration, not at all. It's that he's an untested leader, in part. More, it's that no one man can "save" a nation, any more than one man can "break" a nation; much as we'd like to pretend that Dubya put us where we are and that Obama can rescue us from that fate, neither is true.
Politicians are ultimately more a measure of their people than a shaping force upon them; Obama will succeed to exactly the extent that he can stir us, the commoners, to action. Dubya succeeded; his words and actions (both his own and those of his inner circle), true or untrue, justified or not, shaped the decisions we as individuals made and therefore that we as a nation endorsed, directly or not. The same will be true of Obama. This makes it doubly important that we keep a critical eye on our leaders, that we examine their rhetoric, that we not simply take on blind faith their words, their plans, or their actions. It is because I hope that Obama's sweeping vision of a fairer, more peaceful, and more worthy nation proves accurate that I treat him with skepticism; my own understanding of politics and its real dangers and contributions leads me to believe that a good leader can take the scrutiny and a bad leader will always be outed by it.
So, I guess what I mean by this is: celebrate, certainly. Enjoy a historic moment, and the promise of a better nation and a better world that it implies. Use that enjoyment, that inspiration, to fuel some real work toward lasting change, even seeminlgy minor change, in yourself and your world. But don't think the work is done, nor that a single symbolic moment makes for a changed world. Racism has not vanished because we elected a black man to high office; the world and its many problems are not fixed because a conciliatory liberal has replaced an anti-diplomacy authoritarian. Remember that inspiration is easier to generate than is follow-through. And when the bill comes due for the real changes needed, remember that it takes more than pretty words to remake the world: it takes real work, real time, and real sacrifice. We will all have to contribute those things. All Obama can do is lead us, in equine fashion, to the waters of high-minded reform. All of us must choose, individually and collectively, to drink--even when the brew is bitter indeed.
So here's to you, Mr. President. May you withstand the trials you will face, may you continue to inspire others in word and deed, and most importantly, may we all prove willing and able to unite in the face of adversity in the pursuit of the admirable goal of bettering conditions for all people. I, for one, will be watching. I hope you make us proud not of you, but of ourselves and what we accomplished with your motivation and guidance.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Sunday, January 4th, 2009
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7:17 pm - Take that, old me
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The Resolution Run was yesterday.
We ran, despite the rain. As recently as a few months ago, I think I would have bagged it when, after getting up before dawn, I saw the rain and predicted the bleak run ahead. But, determined, we went.
So, I finished my first 10K. I beat my goal, too, coming in at 76 minutes and 38 seconds, ahead of even my secret 78 minute goal. This is still a SLOW time, mind you. But, it's mine.
Today, a massage. Then, tomorrow, back to the school year. Soon, I will start ASL and dance classes. So, the list continues to dwindle. Perhaps in a few years I will need new goals. This gives me a happy feeling.
I have more complex feelings to work though, I sometimes think. Then other times I think simply...I am happy right now. And that's enough.
At least sometimes.
current mood:  calm
current music: The Killers, Somebody Told Me
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| Sunday, November 30th, 2008
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9:11 pm - on the trail of Naomi
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To begin with, I had misgivings. She's a notorious scam artist, thief, and user. My parents threw her out of their place when I was a young girl after, under her care, I was first scalded badly and then "mysteriously" coughing up water and screaming when she was tasked to bathe me. (The story goes: Annoyed at my complaining about the all-cold water bath, she turned on the heat full force and left the room until the water become so hot I got 2nd degree burns. When I yelled and cried about this, she, in fear of my father's wrath should I be heard, held me under the water to quiet me down. This was the last unsupervised time we spent together, I believe.) I haven't seen her in about 20 years, since around the time Nanny died. I didn't know what to expect, nor did I want her turning up on my doorstep. Also, there's the crazy. Add the traumatic early memory as my only dominant impression of her, and I've not been exactly eager to find her. But, duty calls.
A few attempts made around the time of the funeral turned up only bitter ex-landlords with angry words to contribute. Clearing out my father's things and going through his papers yielded a little more info--like a middle name and date of birth. So, after avoiding it for months, I finally began the task of trying to track down my long-lost aunt Naomi. A public records search turned up a host of dead ends. Then a criminal record check turned up an ex-landlord who turned out to be an ex-mother-in-law who was friendly, kind and sympathetic. That led to some phone numbers, one of which turned out to be Naomi's daughter S, whom I had not spoken to in about 20 years, and who is now 23 and so needless to say does not recall our last encounter.
I've now spent about the last 5 hours on the trail, and after talking to my cousin, it's just depressing. Naomi's apparently been on the street for about the last three years, after losing the last of her kids (the youngest, N4, is now 16 and apparently doing okay, according to her older sister) and her last residence. Her kids tried to take her out for Mother's Day (I wasn't clear on whether it was this year or last year), but she made a scene and had to be removed from the property. Her ex-mother-in-law says she has developed her own mother's habits of carrying on imagined conversations, etc., and may well also be a schizophrenic, though it's hard to know what role if any is being played by drug use in the making of the crazy.
However, usually, she checks in with her kids, at least now and again. Other than her kids, the only people I knew who stayed in touch with her were my dad and her aunt M, both recently dead. So, if she's not in touch with her kids, and isn't in jail, I don't know how to find her. The most likely scenarios would seem to be the nuthouse or death. The nuthouse typically contacts family when they release people, in an effort to send them somewhere that someone will take responsibility for them. Naomi's ex-m-i-l says she has been contacted when Naomi was released from sanatariums in the past, but not for over a year. That, to me, implies the very real risk that she's dead.
Oh, and I learned that my cousin Larry, whom I already knew had died of a drug overdose, killed himself intentionally. Wow, does that ever run in the family.
On the more positive side, two or three of Naomi's kids seem to have made it out okay. S (23) is in culinary school in Berkeley, D (21) is living and working in SF, and N (16) is in a stable living environment, working, and at the top of her class. So let's hear it for getting out. Also, despite my turning up on her phone apropos of nothing, S could not have been nicer.
All in all, though, getting the background story on how Naomi's spend her last 20 years was just...sad.
I can't remember when I've had a more depressing night during which nobody was in the hospital or dead.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Clint Mansell
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| Thursday, November 13th, 2008
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4:08 pm - bad friend
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Lady M finished her diss, which is great for her. I feel like I haven't been very available to praise her for that, but ... hellish busy? I think that's it.
Also, lost the old calendar with b'days in it, which means that I know b'cita's birthday is coming up right quick here, but I cannot for the life of me (and thankfully, it seems unlikely to come to that) remember what exact date.
After bugging A to call me, he's been making more of an effort to connect lately, and I haven't been available much.
It's not that I'm not trying, either. I feel like I'm swimming as fast as I can just to stay above the line. I presented my paper, I'm working on the estate (-ish), the new class is ready to go (mostly), and we put in an offer on a condo today (whoa).
Where does it go?
In any case, I miss my friends, and I miss the me that could spend more time and energy on them. This needs to change, and soon. And if any of you are reading, sorry if I've been neglecting you.
current music: Love, War and the Ghost of Whitey Ford, Everlast
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| Saturday, October 4th, 2008
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9:36 am - fashion week
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So, I looked through some photos from Paris & Milan fashion weeks, and the Spring 09 lines are...bleh. The excesses of femininity on the runway were a bit startling and annoying.
I don't know who they think they're kidding. I mean, floral prints & chiffon are somehow "new" for spring? Only if new starts at period costume and not any sense of immediacy. Also, strappy skyscraper heels with platform bottoms? Don't get me wrong, I like a hooker heel just fine. But, they're not for everyday wear. They're hobbling.
So, it seems that we'll have high fashion doing iced pastels, chiffon overlays, asymetrical hem and shoulder lines, corsets and corset styling, and hobble-heels for Spring. Paging Queen Victoria.
A few interesting designers, largely from Japan and the Middle East, and who are interesting largely because I haven't seen their spin on things a hundred times already. Also, silks and glorious colors and some simpler lines.
Also, some weird prints, including radioactive looking tie-dyes, bizarre fusion prints, and other eye-bleeds.
And finally, Alexander McQueen is one crazy mofo.
See some of the lines here
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| Sunday, September 21st, 2008
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7:15 pm
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I think I just realized why I finally blurted again today, and probably also why I've had such ugly headaches the last few days and have been sleeping so much.
Tomorrow is my dad's birthday.
See? I get postcards from my feelings, but we're not exactly on a speaking basis. I'm a retard.
current mood: uncomfortable
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6:37 pm - watersports...
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but not that kind.
D and I started scuba certification, and the first time we actually used the gear, I found out that I'm more afraid of the water, and of the experience of breathing while under it, than I had at all realized. But, I really want to do this. I want to have done this.
So, this week, I went swimming twice, to get more used to being in the water, and putting my face in it. While swimming, with goggles (also new to me), I realized that I had never been able to see in the water. Most of the swimming that I have ever done was as a kid, when I either needed but didn't have glasses, or had them and thus couldn't see while I was in the water, as I had one pair and couldn't risk losing or breaking them. Then I got fat and stopped going into the water for fear of putting on a swimming suit and being seen by people with eyes and opinions. Whole new world, really. Seeing the bottom of the pool, even, and all the people swimming in it, was a new and fascinating experience. It's helping with me getting ready to do the ocean diving.
D, of course, is all ready to go. He's part dolphin.
This weekend, we went out snorkeling with our scuba instructor, Jake. We had intended to our first ocean dive, but the visibility was poor, and so we just did some snorkeling and got ready for what's coming next week. I was a weird mix of relieved and disappointed that we didn't actually dive this week.
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UC starts tomorrow. I'm glad of the paycheck, but I don't know how I feel about going back there, and dealing with a new AD, yet again. Also, this is the start of my tenth academic year at this place. There is nowhere else for me to go there, as it's been made very clear to me that as an ABD, they don't have a home for me. So, I've done what I can do at this job. I can, and likely will, keep making up new classes to keep myself entertained and try to diversify their curriculum, but I've learned what I can from the place--even about office politics. I need to find a new gig.
Speaking of which, so KvN got hired at SWC for the term on a last-minute hire. Good for her. But then I saw that she's scheduled to teach a workshop on MLA format for an extra $150 or so during the semester. Now, I don't need the money, but I did sign up to do that last spring, and they never even got back to me. That was after two and a half years there. This is her first semester, and they got her on board? Man. Also, it's a good way of increasing your visibility and showing commitment to the school, and it bums me that I've not been able to get in. So, it's nothing against her, it's just annoying to be line-jumped for no clear reason.
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I'm semi-working on the paper for PAMLA. Remind me why I'm doing this again? I'm such a retard. I don't know why I sign on for work that doesn't pay, and actually costs me money. What, to build my resume? At this point, I'm basically a comp teacher, so having a resume with creative publications and some academic work in (popular) cultural studies (not exactly a crediblity-enhanced discipline itself) doesn't seem to benefit me in any clear way. I think I'm just THAT opinionated; I can't stand not having the chance to lecture people about the bullshit I think is going on all the time.
Maybe.
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Money dramas about the WaMu situation. Being responsible for other people's money is an ulcer-giving experience. I cannot wait to be done with settling the estate, but I have no idea how soon that will be. My mom says my dad had a lot of faith in me to put me in charge of everything, which I suppose is a lovely way of looking at it.
D says that I'm doing a real service for others by taking care of all these details and letting them have their feelings, their love and grief and ambivalence and whatall, without having to make it about the money and the banalities. This is also a nice way of seeing things. I think in a way they are both right. I also think that it's a kind of punishment.
That may or may not be true, but it kinda feels that way. There's not room for a great deal of sentiment when there's so ungodly much paperwork and legalities and all to manage. (I haven't even really begun on the AZ half of things, either. Let's just hope his legal situations in Nevada are cleared already.) This may or may not be for the best. Hard to say. I have moments where it kind of sneaks up on me and I have this rush of overwhelming ambivalence, but typically then it gets buried in busy-busy.
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I still haven't been writing anything much. I'm barely generating new class content. I just...eh. I don't know how concerned to be about this. I was able to make words come out to do both versions of the Buffy paper with Lady M, which was something of an undertaking. Then again, it's something we've been kicking around in conversation for years, so it felt more like justifying our opinions with research and explanation than anything, and that's not Writing, that's another day at the office. I don't know.
I think I'm feeling a creative void. I just don't know how much to attribute this to the fact that writing's dry right now and whether there's anything else going on there. And, I always get a little anxious when I go for a while without doing any expressive writing, because that's where I do a lot of my emotional processing, there and in really intense conversation, and I'm not due for another one of those cycles for another year or two.
This starts to feel like rambling.
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I watched the opening episodes of Bones online the last few days. I like that they're acknowledging the problems left by the writing out of Zach, but there remain too many loose ends and too little resolution and attention to character detail. I wonder how much of this is because of the strike and the weird shooting schedules that resulted. We'll see.
On MySpace (to check comments from my sis), I ran across the link to Margaret Cho's new "reality" show on VH1, and I'm not too proud to admit that I've been watching it online tonight. This may or may not be because I cannot stomach the thought of either 1) reading the 40 reader for tomorrow (looked through it and...*snooze*) or 2) grading my SWC homework and quizzes (read through some and...*oof*..). In any case, support crazy wherever you can.
The second episode has a brief appearance by Michelle Rodriguez which just reminded me that she should really be higher on my list. This is especially true because I think this time I really am over Angelina. Yes, she's beautiful when carefully managed. But, also, as Lady M pointed out, she now also falls into the category of "MILF" as she's dedicated herself to being Super Mom, and I'm just not feeling it. Ms. Rodriguez, on the other hand, seems to me like she plays for the Sisters, and so much the better for me. Just one more reason to go show some love for The Cho Show
current mood:  busy
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| Monday, August 11th, 2008
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8:15 pm
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If you ever have a few hours to kill and you want to watch something filled with chillingly plausible conspiracy theory of a global and world-threatening nature, check out the film Zeitgeist. It's widely available, including on YouTube.
Watching it on cable-access while in Lake County, D was so overcome by the horror of it that it made him physically ill.
We didn't see the first half hour, though. Watching it now, the portions on religion with which it opens, makes it so much better, too. The sun-god model of Jesus which they posit is one that infuriates beyond all logic many Christians (not, admittedly, that hard to do in many cases). But, the metaphorical reading of the Biblical text which they perform is one which has long made more sense to me, too. At least, it makes as much sense as the weirdly literal reading of it ascribed to by many.
I had an SWC student the other day, my brightest student from summer school, tell me that she had a religious awakening during the taking of the Humanities sequence in Revelle at UCSD. Being told that Jesus was an historical being, for her, confirmed the literal reality of the bible. She has not read the bible. She attended catechism and, like many Christians, was taught the bible, in selected fragments. But, her required sequence at UC convinced her that she now has scientific confirmation of her religious faith, making it an inescapable reality. In turn, this convinced her to turn down a Planned Parenthood intern scholarhip (which her father had forbade in any case) and get a job at the mall, instead. She returned to her Catholic roots and became religious. The former UCSD student is now a community college student. She's too bright for the class. Also, her papers have all been very feminist. Her final essay was about how sex education (including condom training) should be offered in school because abstinence-only does not work, a position her church would hate.
She claims to see no irony here.
But, I digress, sort of.
Start the movie here
Read the research.
Every conspiracy seems paranoid until proven.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there's nobody out to "get" you.
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7:07 pm
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Weird. Isaac Hayes and Bernie Mac both died this weekend. That seems so...random. Neither was that old.
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Turned in grades today. Now I just gotta get C's new kid a blanket made this week, before time runs away to school again.
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| Friday, August 8th, 2008
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4:45 pm - busy busy days
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Where have I been?
Well, there was the part where I was in Puerta Vallarta...awesome.
Then there was the part, later, when I was home and really needed to work, but got some weird intestinal virus instead...awful.
There was Lake County...bleh.
But there was also selling the house...yay.
There was trapped in the perpetual Bay Area traffic fubar on the 101...boo.
Followed by a snappy British hotel in the financial district, dinner and a walk in Chinatown...sophisticated huzzah.
There was finishing summer school, as both student and teacher...bittersweet.
Today there was signing up for Scuba certification...exciting.
Now, there's whatever comes next. It's been an insane time. So up and down. The rollercoaster family effects are particularly exciting and chilling and full of unexpected turns. The personal life choices increasingly satisfy but also make strong demands upon me.
Oh, and I'm less than two weeks from my two-year point. I'll be curious to see what portion of the 120 pounds I needed to lose I will have lost by that time. In any case, it's time for new clothes again.
Now, ten days to try to get things together, get prepped for Fall, and then it's back to school at SWC. Then, up to Lake County for one last time, sign papers, pass keys, get stuff from garages, and drive it down. Then, it will be fall at UC, we'll be in SCUBA training, and maybe b will visit.
Sometimes, it all just blurs by.
But, hopefully, next year's blur will include trips to Cozumel (diving) and Japan (trip with Mel & D).
Let's see how long all these balls can stay in the air!
current mood: busy
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| Thursday, July 10th, 2008
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9:32 pm - songs to embrace the fear..and the fallout
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Bottom of a Bottle by Smile Empty Soul
Been scared and lonely
I've asked myself is something wrong with you
My girlfriend told me
I need some time alone to deal with issues
But something makes me carry on
It's difficult to understand
Why I always wanna fly
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
You always call me
And ask me how I make it through the day
I'm always fallin'
I guess it's just God's way of making me pay
But something makes me carry on
It's difficult to understand, why I always wanna fly
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
When I, I wonder why I try
And I, I wonder why I bother
And I, I wonder why I cry
Why I, I go through all this trouble
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
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Breakdown by Tantric
In your life you seem to have it all
You seem to have control
But deep within your soul
You're losing it
You never took the time
Assume that you're to blame
You think that you're insane
Won't you spare me
[Chorus:]
I know the breakdown
Everything is gonna shake now someday
I know the breakdown
Tell me again am i awake now maybe
You can find the reason that no one else is living this way
Yeah your lies
Your world is built around
Two faces of a clown
The voices in your head
Think there's four pawns down
Well in this unity
Fate has found the need
So you better check yourself
Before you check out
[Chorus]
If you find yourself
Then you might believe
Then within yourself
You just might conceive
[Chorus]
You can find the reason that (you can find the reason that)
No one else is living this way (you can find the reason that way)
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Far Behind by Candlebox
Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And then maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway
And so maybe
Your friends they stand around they watch you crumble
As you falter down to the ground
And then someday
Your friends they stand beside as you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high
But then someday people look at you for what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hear you calling home
And then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us
But you left me far behind
Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no
Couldn't share the pain, they watch you suffer
Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I've known
And then maybe we might share in something rare
But won't you look at where we've grown
Won't you look at where we've gone
But then someday comes
Tomorrow holds a sense of what I feel for you in my mind
As you trip the final line
And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life so soon you should have told me
But you left me far behind
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain No, no, no
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe baby some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
I said times have changed your friends
They come and watch you crumble to the ground
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hold you down
Hold you down
Now maybe oh oh, maybe
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind
Left me far behind
Left me far behind
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Blasphemous Rumors by Depeche Mode
Girl of sixteen, whole life ahead of her
Slashed her wrists, bored with life
Didn't succeed, thank the Lord
For small mercies
Fighting back the tears, mother reads the note again
Sixteen candles burn in her mind
She takes the blame, it's always the same
She goes down on her knees and prays
I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find Him laughing
Girl of eighteen, fell in love with everything
Found new life in Jesus Christ
Hit by a car, ended up
On a life support machine
Summer's day, as she passed away
Birds were singing in the summer sky
Then came the rain, and once again
A tear fell from her mother's eye
I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find Him laughing
Ssss....
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Fade to Black by Metallica
Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be Missing one inside of me
Deadly loss this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell i feel
Emptiness is filling me To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now, hes gone
No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now i cant think, think why i should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now i will just say goodbye
Goodbye
~~
Suicide is Painless
Words by Mike Altman
Music by Johnny Mandel
Through early morning fog I see,
Visions of the things to be,
The pains that are withheld for me,
I realize and I can see...
[REFRAIN]:
That suicide is painless.
It brings on many changes.
And I can take or leave it if I please.
I try to find a way to make,
All our little joys relate,
Without that ever-present hate,
But now I know that it's too late, and...
[REFRAIN]
The game of life is hard to play,
I'm gonna lose it anyway.
The losing card I'll someday lay,
So this is all I have to say.
[REFRAIN]
The only way to win is cheat,
And lay it down before I'm beat,
And to another give my seat,
For that's the only painless feat.
[REFRAIN]
The sword of time will pierce our skins.
It doesn't hurt when it begins.
But as it works its way on in,
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...
[REFRAIN]
A brave man once requested me,
to answer questions that are key.
Is it to be or not to be?
And I replied 'Oh why ask me?'
[REFRAIN]
'Cause suicide is painless.
It brings on many changes.
And I can take or leave it if I please.
...And you can do the same thing if you choose
~~
Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of by U2
I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
I will not forsake the colors that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears, through your eyes I can see
And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now ... my oh my
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now
You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass
~~
Everybody Hurts by REM
(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
~~~
Hang on...just hang on. Sometimes, that's all that matters.
current mood: pensive
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| Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
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5:43 pm - Action Movies & Abhorrent Politics
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I've finally realized that action movies are pretty much always about reifying the current political machine and public zeitgeist. In the 80s, we had the glorious Bruckheimer indulgence of movies like Top Gun to remind us that the military can do whatever it wants, and we'd better like it. In fact, "Mavericks" who ignore rules and fuck around with billion dollar equipment are the American Way, dammit. We need them, because they will defeat those damn Commies. (Remember Commies? Remember what a big damn deal all that was? Boy, the Cold War seems like ancient history already, doesn't it? Funny how fast the Big Bad turns over. The rhetoric recycles, though.) And, the mavericks bed the hot chicks, especially if those "chicks" have authority over the men. That way, they can bring the womenfolk down to size, remind them of their place. In bed.
At the turn of the decade, we had movies like Die Hard to tell us that, while career women might not willingly suffer the yoke of traditional marriage anymore, ultimately machismo will still save the day, even saving that feminist who didn't want him anymore. We'll just see what she says when taken hostage by terrorists, eh? The macho man will get his, because he's secretly not a failing cop with little in his life besides a desire to cling to a wife who doesn't want him. In fact, all that undercutting by the "ballbreaking" wife and the devalued job is just creating a powder keg of masculinity ready to blow up and destroy...skyscrapers? Oh, and terrorists. Except the terrorists come back, because the battle is never won, or there'd be no further need for all that blustering machismo. Yippee-ki-ay, motherfucker.
By the late 90s, we had The Matrix, a kinder, gentler action movie that still had more bullets than brains, to tell us that technology will enslave us all...and then free us again. Well, actually, it will later free a select elite of previously oppressed tech geeks. In fact, technology will take Regular Joe cybergeeks and let them be superheroes, living in a fantasy constructed in their mind and remaking reality with a combination of will and technological proficiency to suit those fantasies--taking technology back from ... itself? Of course, this will take a kinder-gentler action hero, too...one who can be our "Neo"--the new man, the new savior, the new Great White Hope--the SuperGeek. Of the models, this one annoys me least. While it's largely the same old claptrap, at least it does acknowledge that we need changes in roles, in social structure, and in how we all relate to each other--need them, and frankly cannot avoid them in any case. It has plenty of problems, but the premise that brings all of humanity together against a common enemy at least means all of humanity brought together.
It was not to last, though, as the post-9/11 Era of Dubya has brought regressive politics, and equally regressive filmmaking. This year, we have Iron Man to tell us that annoying, aging playboy arms dealers are secretly superheroes and defenders of the American Way. They sleep with hot chicks, and then have their nice Gal Fridays escort them out the door while insulting them. Also, we have Wanted, which has such palpable contempt for its audience that it acutally informs us that it hates us. That's true for women the entire time (there are only 3 women--the pathetic shrew, the unfaithful bitch, and the bitch-goddess, none of whom fares well), and becomes true for men before the end of the film. One is lame action in the high deserts, overtly in favor of the fool's errand in Iraq. The other is pure escapist fantasy, fan-boy action, rife with misogyny (sidebar: amusingly, one apparent villain is impaled through the heart of an image of the madonna) and again, contempt for the public.
Not so amusingly, both movies are shockingly well reviewed. On Rotten Tomatoes, 76% of reviewers--both professional and informal--liked Wanted, and a scary 93% liked Iron Man. By contrast, quality psychological dramas like Tape and Hard Candy about split the audience, earning at most 65% positive reviews.
Are movies getting dumber? Am I just more discerning, or cynical, or intolerant of Big Dumb Action, than I once was? Or are people and politics getting dumber?
This is part of the same trend in which every damn thing they throw at us suddenly has to be a trilogy. Or beget a new trilogy, like the 60-something Indiana Jones. I mean, really. I like Johnny Depp as much as the next gal, but how you can make three long movies out of a Disneyland ride that runs less than three minutes I do not know. Whatever paper dragon the macho man or men fight always returns with with a new face, or there'd be no sequel. And there always has to be a sequel. Masculinity must always be redeemed, the feminist reduced to caricatured damsel or receiving comeuppance in the form of rape, torture and/or death; so, there will always be a sequel. The movie makers hate us. They hate us, and they think we're stupid. Appallingly, they're apparently right, as all these shit movies keep making money by the barrel.
Sometimes, I really, really hate the movies.
Angelina's still pretty, though. Really, Wanted should just be called "this woman is so hot, most of you won't care that we intend to insult you for two hours." But, I guess that wouldn't fit on the poster.
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| Monday, June 2nd, 2008
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11:50 am
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I don't have the right words to explain, but this song nicely sums up my weekend, and emotional reality right now.
Undertow by Tool
gone under two times.
I've been struck dumb by a voice that
speaks from deep
beneath the endless water.
It's twice as clear as heaven,
and twice as loud as reason.
It's deep and rich like silt on a riverbed
and just as neverending.
the current's mouth below me opens up around me.
suggests and beckons all while swallowing.
It surrounds and drowns and swipes me away.
But I'm so comfortable...Too comfortable.
shut up shut up shut up shut up
you're saturating me
how could I let this bring me
back to my knees
third time and
I've been baptized by your voice.
it screams from deep beneath the cold black water.
it's half as high as heaven
half as clear as reason.
cold and black like silt on a riverbed
just as neverending
Current's mouth below me, opens up around me
suggests and beckons all while swallowing.
It surrounds and drowns and swipes me away.
But I'm so comfortable...Too comfortable.
shut up shut up shut up shut up
you're saturating me
how could I let this happen
Why don't you kill me,
I am weak and numb and insignificant,
How could i let this bring me
back to my knees
we fall in a euphoria.
we fall in a euphoria.
I'm back down. I'm in the undertow.
I'm helpless and I'm awake. I'm in the undertow.
I'll die beneath undertow.
There doesn't seem no other way out of the undertow.
euphoria.
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| Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
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1:05 pm - Dolls
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Dresden, that is. D, being the awesome lion he is, managed to get us hooked up with with tickets for their show tomorrow night at House of Blues. Punk Cabaret, that's the ticket.
In other news: perhaps if I do not talk about it, I won't have to look at it, either. At least not until things slow down. Which, if I have anything to say about it, may be never.
Also, completely as predicted, he who moved away no longer answers his phone.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
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11:54 am - HATE!
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I'm having lots of fun not smacking anybody in the mouth at UC this week. Just trying to make sure I refrain is enough to keep me busy the whole time I am here.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 11th, 2008
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10:19 am
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This has been a strange week. I'm feeling quite unloved by the UC program right now. Early this week, my desk chair went missing from in my office. Later that day, I find out my boss is the one who first stole it and then denied it. Then, I ask about summer session, which I have taught for the last six years, and get the dodge. Then, three days later, a chicken-shit email telling me how "we" have decided to give all the slots to grad students as part of their professional development--despite summer session not liking to hire grad students. But, okay, whatever. I know Carrie takes the cowardly approach to confronting sticky situations. Then, same day, an email from Nancy telling me I need to change classrooms with one of my classes. So now I'm in three different classes for the three sections, thus insuring that I get --from the previous ten minute break (during the hours of 11-3:30, and I teach a class on food, but get no lunch time, mind you) --no break time at all. And, finally, I hear that the chairwoman of evil will be coming to observe my class. So now, not having been observed by them in years, I am going to get evaluated by the worst blithering incompetent I have ever worked with, much less for.
No chair, no summer job, shifting classrooms, dodgy answers to direct questions, no breaks, and I'm under performance review by the clown queen of Stupid Street? Nice fucking week.
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| Saturday, April 5th, 2008
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4:25 pm - my baby is genius...
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D got his GRE scores: 1420, and a writing score of 6 out of a possible 6.
Grad school, here he comes!
~!~
Also, got Buffy, Sydney & the Bride into the PAMLA conference for November, which is ... good? There goes current me, writing checks for the ass of future me to cash. Sounds fun, though, which goes far to tell how what a dearth of good fun there has been of late. Work all the time...
~+~
Finally got around to reading Octavia Butler's last book, Fledgling, which was quite good, and for once a relatively fresh take on the vampire genre.
~*~
Got a rejection from MiraCosta today, which was my last best chance of getting a full-time hire this year. What the fuck? I was so perfect for that job. Talked to Dagmar the other day, who tells me seven years is about the size of it these days, unless one is willing to move to Podunk, USA, which I emphatically am not.
~@~
Mel called in the state about the situation at my dad's house. I don't know what to think or feel about that. Mostly, I try not to, which is just a cop out and will ultimate come crashing down.
~`~
Didn't I used to write? These days, I mostly research and edit. Both are duller than sandpaper.
~&~
Mom got her print, and loves it.
...
and so it goes.
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| Saturday, March 15th, 2008
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12:42 pm
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I booked the Little Rock trip stuff for Slayage, got my proposal sent off for PAMLA and got their auto-response telling me they'll let me know. I also got my first-of-the-season rejection letter from Diablo Valley College. I am still debating whether or not to do my last job application, which is for another school in that same district. The jury's still out on that.
Let's see...A1 and I went and bought up some awful movies from a soon-to-be defunct Hollywood Video and watched a few of them last night. The better one was Curse of the Black Scorpion, a Roger Corman superhero story with Playmates. Good times. The funnier one was Stupid Teenagers Must Die!, a horror/exploitation spoof that never quite decided how much it was making fun of 80s slashers and how much it wanted to be one.
Oh, and D & I went this morning to get CPR certification. Like ya do.
I hadn't done that in a long time. Annie's gone, and it's just floating torsos now. Also, apparently the words "Heimlich maneuver" are verboten. I see the cracked ribs problem finally caught up to it, and now we just call it "abdominal thrusts" and try to avoid the diaphragm. O...kay, then. In any case, I have a CPR card for the first time since high school.
current mood: calm
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| Monday, March 10th, 2008
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8:28 pm - today's burning question:
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Are Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle actually two different shows?
Other than one starring Lucy Liu and one Brooke Shields, they look identical to me. Also, Lucy Liu and Brooke Shields aren't even that different--40ish actresses with middling success in film and one well known but not well-loved previous star turn on tv (Ally McWhiny and Suddenly Snoring, I believe they were). So, really, what's the diff?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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12:09 pm - The Seven
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I went to see The Seven, a hip-hop reinterpretation of the Greek tragedy Seven Against Thebes yesterday, with the in-laws, D, and Lady M. It was overall quite enjoyable, though the form and the instantly dated nature of all popular artistic forms means that there were several cringe-worthy moments of just trying too damned hard. Also, it wasn't until the final confrontation between Oedipus's two sons that I could *really* see the stamp that Bill T. Jones put on the choreography, which was one of the main things I had gone to it to see.
That said, it was a good performance, with solid work on all fronts. And, D & Lady M agree that the man playing the younger son was really hot. So, there you go, I suppose. For my part, I was just happy to see Flaco Navaja working somewhere besides Def Poetry Jam. Def Poets is dead; long live Def Poets! Also: Flaco! But, he cut his hair. Boo.
If it comes to your corner of the world, though, see it.
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