__Bury this pen - Into my veins__'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
__Bury this pen - Into my veins__

[ website | [[ anti-me || anti-you ]] ]
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[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[[ the nights just don't belong ]] [03 Dec 2003|05:46pm]
[ mood | [[sour.bitter.whatever]] ]
[ music | [[.mymotherfunkinmusicthatilove.]] ]

..[x].. I'm so pathetic it hurts.
I don't even recognize myself anymore.
Why even bother denying it anymore.
I'm a failure, I'm a nothing.
I made myself into this.
This is my great masterpiece. [insert.awe.facade.here]
Slowly and overtime I've been pushing a lot of people away from my life.
I've been trying to shut myself away from the world, seeing as how I must go to school and interact with people and what not I can't completely shut myself away, but I've tried.
I don't talk anymore. Very rarely I do.
People should just forget the sound of my voice [hush.quiet.silence.sewyourmouthshut]
I guess all along I've been trying to pretend that I have my shit pulled together when really I don't.
I couldn't care less about school, my grades seem to drop down with each progress report, so why even try.
I've been trying, for the first time in a very long time, I've been doing most of the work, just missing one or two assigments and that doesn't seem to be enough, I always get half the points in the work, I hate AP, it's not the class for me, I think I want to quit..which would just prove that I am a failure...I'll keep the ap courses for a while and if start to sink lower im gonna drop them. Why get stressed over stupid classes, when I can take the easy stuff and pass those classes with fairly good grades.
This stupid headache is killing me yet I'm doing nothing about it, I just don't care, let it swallow me whole.
I'm planning a day for myself as soon as we go on winter break, It'll be my very own holiday. If my mom does go away I know my brother won't be home that much so I'll pretty much be alone, so I'm planning on going over to food for less and just buy everything I crave..specially that box with 10 cheesecake slices, it looks so damn good each slice is a different combination of toppings, and just all kinds of crap, then get myself a bunch of movies that I love [ghost world, amelie, my first mister, big girls don't cry they get even, pretty in pink, 16 candles etc] and just wear whatever the hell i feel like wearing with very messy hair and extra eyeliner..and just eat away and watch tv all day..it'll be my comfort day. or some shit like that. yes im looking forward to this. [insert.beth's.scumback.holiday.mask.here]
This is the end..[x]..

8 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

[[ our hands are tied - and we pray for night to start over again ]] [01 Dec 2003|07:18pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | [[ THIS.ASHES.THIS.ASHES.BURN ]] ]

..[x].. It's 7:45 I bolt out of the house, run over to Emma's. Don't want to miss my ride again, I've done so way too many times, one of this days I'll just freeze on my way to school [joy].
Emma is wearing Max's red 'M' belt. She keeps caressing it saying how it feels so good to have it on. She's scaring me. She's been talking to him on the phone a lot lately, and now she's wearing his belt..this could mean something.
We arrive in school just in time. I head for guitar class, Jocelyn and Victoria are walking ahead of me, I catch up to them. Jocelyn shows me her latest 'creation'. It's a cut about 3 inches long, a couple of inches away from her wrist, the skin around it its swollen and has a pinkish shade to it, which really stands out in the paleness of her inner arm. She said she did it with a razor, then after wards she lit a candle and flamed the cut. She was proud..I don't know what to say, I never do, It's pretty, [pretty like a cut is], but i really wish she hand't done it.
We arrange our places in guitar, the period seems to drag on forever, me and Jocelyn argue. I tell her my dreams, she crushes them. She tells me that I will never do any of those things and I know it. She knows how it feels to have one's dreams stepped on yet she does the same with me. [bestfriendsmeansfriendsforever]
Chris tells me I should get some chords and songs signed off, I refuse, I feel lazy, unwilling, just like a failure.
I make it to bio with plenty of spare time. I actually did my homework [insert proud facade here]
During the lab me and Emma keep our war going with Paul, Ben, and Rody.
It's fun ot hurt those fucks, though it's not so fun getting hurt back.
We present our lab, they make signs with binder paper and held them up from their seats, mea and Emma crack up, they make us screw up our presentation, we give them a taste of their medicine when its their turn to present, though we don't need to they're klutzes by nature, they fuck up on their own.
During lunch we egg nancy. I get to flip off Alex, David's bed buddy. It feels good.
In english class we start reading "Inherit The Wind".
Jocelyn doesn't seem in a good shape, I write her a note, she writes back saying she's upset. She says that Karl blamed her for Fav's death. WTF his death was no one's fault. He's a jerk and a dick. To Karl a big fat FUCK YOU.
After school I come home, Immediatly sign on. All day I had felt like shit. For being the jerk I am.
As the evening progresses the feeling of beinga jerk and a failure does not vanish.
And right now I still feel the same way.
It feels like the end...and it hurts.
All throught the day it has been very windy, I liked the weather. Walking to classes was amussing, I was wearing a scarve and my gloves, and the wind was blowing my hair in every direction, and I had my favorite purse [shown below] with me, I felt like an outcast, like a loner, it felt good for some reason. I liked it. I'm just fucked.
This is the end..[x]..


3 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

[[ i love the loud sound of silence || it loves me too ]] [27 Nov 2003|07:05pm]
[ mood | [[ fuckoff ]] ]
[ music | [[ motherfunkinBRANDNEW]] ]

Gooble, gooble, gooble. Thanksgiving..giving thanks..whatever.
The pilgrims give thanks to the Indians for saving their sorry butts from starving.
(click.click) )

16 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

[[ ugh ]] [26 Nov 2003|07:26pm]
[ mood | anti-all. ]
[ music | nothing. ]

click.click )

2 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

[[ your eyes follow me here..they leave me broken & in need of a cure ]] [26 Nov 2003|01:33pm]
[ mood | angry ]
[ music | [[ silhoutte ]] ]

..[x].. ugh I suck. enough said.
I just got off the phone with [him].
I'm so fuckin lame. I put the speaker phone on, and I was talking..barely talking..from far away. I suck I SUCK I SUCK. I hate myself. [slap, slap]
I was in the shower and I heard the phone so I bolted out of there, semi-nude, and it was freezing cold, and he had to wait while I got clothes on, then after the waiting I didn't even speak..ugh!
Hee, I really I'm mad at myself =|. But it was VERY NICE to hear [him] ^-^. Although I'm sure it was hell for him.
And I have to go pick up Stace.
This is the end. ..[x]..

3 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

[[ eric is an emo boy, because he eats dunken doughnuts (sp?) =S ]] [25 Nov 2003|07:51pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | [[ THRICE || toawakeandavengethedead ]] ]

.[x]. Sunday was emma's birthday. im no longer her senior so i can't boss her around ._. . those stupid little fucks woke me up at about 5 am because they were throwing rocks at my window, then my mom got up..they had come to see if i could go to the hills over by crazy horse road (past prunedale) with them. my mom said no at first then she gave in. ._.
the hills were some scary shit, we went all the way to the other side near the bottom of the slope, and there was a semi circle with huge white crosses, it seemed pretty freaky, just a bunch of crosses in the middle of nowhere, so we ran buck up hill and into crazy horse rd. then came back to salinas. =S
after that i didn't come back home, we just went to emma's place, then to the store where emma bought shitloads of food, and she called some more people, and all day we were sprawled on her living room watching movies on the plasma tv and muching on the goodies. later on at night she got her five-way on the speaker phone, we called max, ralph, maria and cherry. for some reason neither of them had gone over to emma's. and it was the stupidest phone conversation ever, someone spoke like every five minutes, because max, cherry and ralph where all online, so all we could hear from them was mad typing. and we were a bunch of people over at emma's but we didn't really say anything to the dorks on the other lines, i think we were 'on the phone' for nearly an hour but things got really boring it was sad really, so emma told them bye they wished her happy birthday and she hung up. then i came home like at 7:30..prety early but meh, then i came online got off at around midnight..maybe later not sure..twas fun..so that was yesterday ^-^
Yesterday eric finally showed up at school. that little whore was freaking me out, he didn't show up for class last thursday or friday. when i signed on aim on thurs. and fri. like after 6 pm it always said that he'd been online for over 18 hours, freaky, but he was always iddle. so today we asked him where he had been, he looked like a freakin zombie of some kind, with huge dark circles under his eyes which really stood out under the paleness of his skin..and his emo glasses..those are cute!..but yeah he looked freaky. he said he had been trying to 'find himself' over the weekend..well over the weekend and last thurs. and fri. that was quiet a nice vacation he got there. adrian the butt crack faced pissed eric off during fourth period. Eric went psychotic..it was funny but sad, he grabbed a pair of scissors and threaten to stab a-drain (that's what im calling adrian now ^_^..a-drain) for being such a cunt, i think adrian was scared for a slight second, but of course good old eric wouldn't do that..i think =S it would of been cool if he did, because adrian is a bitch..but he wouldn't.
in bio. adrian and ralph hid ms. wilkinson's chair..her favorite chair and she was pissd off..so she gave us extra work thanks to those whores. then stupid ben and paul (paul deserves to be slapped all period long he calls my name and throws spitballs at me, jerk, he's fuckin 17 he should act his age) were trying to be heroes so they gave the chair back, and they got blamed for it, what dorks, being nice does not suite them. =|
so there was another so called fight between those people at school. and chris wasn't in class for first period (weird little guy who is teaching me guitar..and naggs me about the stupid phone, jerk) according to his hardcore buddies he had a bloody nose. and jerry was proud because him and the happy go-lucky punks had beaten the crap out of him..that's sad really chris is an alright person but then again so is jerry..and now i feel hostility in guitar class..damn those people!
after school jocelyn came over and i dyed her the same shade as mine. terry also came over about half an hour after jocelyn did. after i was done with her hair we went off to food for less, i swear everytime me and jocelyn go out to the store we buy a heck of a lot of food. its scary. we just walk past the isles and we say we want this and that and this, then we end up with all this food that no one really feels like eating. anyway on our way to the store david and his cousin bill where walking the opposite way we were, the whore didn't bother to say hi, which is quiet alright because i rarely talk to him now. and the coolest thing was when jocelyn gave him a nice hard slap across the face. i loved that! this was all because he was been a dick to me during lunch,,it was weird and he really has no reason for being such a little bitch. he looked dumbfound and asked if they knew each other..so jocelyn just called him a whore and we walked really fast to the other side of the street. i assume they just kept walking. it's gonna be great fun to see him tomorrow at shool, ill point and laugh. jocelyn is so stupid she drank coffe creamer thinking it was actual coffe..very smart im proud of her.this is the end .[x].
Today sucked my mom's being a bitch this is all.

6 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

[[ we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get || the hell out of this town ]] [20 Nov 2003|05:14pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | [[motherfunkinTAKINGBACKSUNDAY]] ]

.[x]. today was interestinly lame.
we had the so-co listening party ^_^ that went well, we had all this people going up to the tables to grab a tee or stickers or the single, almost everything was gone..almost which meant we get to keep more stickers, and i stole those posters i wanted.=)
the listening party was at the beginning of lunch..and it wasn't even really a listening party since people didn't stay to hear the cd they just got free crap and left. so we just stopped playing it and we left to get lunch and what not.
towards the end of lunch came the fun -_- there was this so called 'rocker rumble' i thought it was lame and funny. we were sitting on the tables near were the tree use to be munching on chips and what not..and then from across the foodcourt came a couple of the 'metalheads' and they started to flip off everyone in our tables ..so Michael stood up and went to them and told them to fuck off our spot, and one of the guys pushed him, so.. here came all the metalheads then all the guys from the tables under the ex-tree got up and it was funny. they just went at it.then everyone crowded around and started to howl and what not..while the all in black kids and the colorful punky kids punched one another..damn those metal loving kids and their violent ways. so i guess it's official the 'punk' vs 'metal' wars have begun *-* this shall be fun. now that incident is in everyone's mouth, usually huge fights like that only happen between gangsters and all those people..but i don't think they'd ever thouth they'd see the scumbags get physical, im just a sad whore because i thought it was amussing...and this people are suppose to be my friends. |=
i suck at guitar so i should quit.
on our way home terry stuck some bright blue strips of tape to her chin, nose and forehead and she walked like that all the way home i love her she rocks ^-^ everyone just stared at her..and i thougth it was neat!
ugh there's birthdays over the weekend..so i have to buy gifts..too poor and lazy =|
meh people at the table suck. they've called taking back sunday..'any given sunday..'come back sunday'..'talking back in sunday' wtf get it right fucks!
meh whatever . this is the end. [x].

[[ words are spoken - words are broken ]]
4 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

Watch - the night sky || fading red. [17 Nov 2003|04:27pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | [[.swallow || the || knife.]] ]

-Let's get drunk.You can drive us to the harbor.Wish upon a star but..Do you know what stars are? Balls of fire, burning up the black space.Falling from the landscape.Exploding in the face of God-

.[x]. Life is so weird, it throws twists and turns faster then we can keep up with. Just yersterday I though i might have a prospect for a life..before the night fell things seemed to be going alright. Stace's mom went out of town so we were taking care of her..she was gonna be back by midday..so in the morning we took her to Sunday school, i finally stepped foot in a church after so long..it was odd. then while she was at sunday school me and my mom went to the Longs near by and i bought some stuff, we spend one damn hour at longs just wasting time, then we picked her up and came back home. Later like at 2 p.m Terry and Jess came over and we went to the mall, ugh so fun. after about one hour of walking around windowshopping we saw Kim and the crew..they were playing with toy chaisaws at the Sears entrance..so we just went with them. They made the mall about a million times better, they went around yelling in customers ears with megaphones and it was sort of funny yet embarrasing so we pretended we were not with them. After causing minor havoc in the mall we left to get some chinese, then I came back home at around 6 pm and me and my mom left again for her usual shopping it was boring, but she got me a new eyeliner. then i came home and went online, then after i got dc i dyed my hair, yet again, this time it's black/purple..but the purple doesn't really show..it's just like super black with hints of a deep purple..and it looks kinda creepy with this sunless skin..i like it =) eh, yeah...
Today however during guitar Joce, Vic. and Carol seemed sort of odd..but I didn't pay attention to it..until later on during tutorial they annoucened it over the loudspeaker..Fab was in a car accident over the weekend and he had passed away..as well as his younger brother Jay and his mom. that just completely soured my day..Fab was so great, and i never let him know he was..i've known him since the 7th grade..and ugh I feel like a jerk. I remember when I was still in Pe he would always say 'come on liz run..you have to play..i won't let you fail' and i always just told him to leave me alone because it was none of his bussines if i failied pe or not..and god damn i regeret it..and i never spoke to him again..well just said hi..but not have an actual conversation with him since i dropped pe..cause of that bitch rya..and just all the other jerks in that class..now i just regret it all..i never got a chance to say goodbye..to ugh apoligize for the way i always acted with him..and to thank him for letting me copy his work all this years in english class..cause i've always been a slackoff, and he allowed me to freeload off his work..and all of this makes me appreciate life so much more, you never know when your life's gonna end..and it made me appreciate all of my friends even more, i'm not gonna do that anymore..by that i mean stop talking to good friends for months..then after a long time of not talking to them start talking to them again..i'm just gonna keep track of everyone..i don't want to have to regret anymore things..ugh i feel crapy right now very crappy..terry's here so it makes things less hard..but this still sucks big time. and it specially hurts to see pictures of fab all over the school..just ahh...right know all i want more then anything is to sleep. to sleep for a very long time..[x].

-..And you never would have thought in the end..How amazing it feels just to live again..It's a feeling that you cannot miss..And it burns a hole through everyone that feels it..-


9 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

[[.the bridges || are crumpled.]] [15 Nov 2003|08:24pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | [[.SOMETHINGCORPORATE.]] ]

.[x]. my mom senses there is something weird going on. i bet she never imagined in a million years i'd say i love anyone..and neither did i..love was some kind of a far off unreachable feeling to me..something that did not quiet exist. i guess my opinion has changed.. so why do i feel like this. music's so good, it just feels so nice. my grandma left to nc today..now it's back to doing the dishes, and no more hot chocolate on this cold nights..eh w/e. i wish someone would sing a song for me right now..he yeah..so stupid, i would probably cry, out of hmm bliss? maybe..it's being so long since someone has singed for me..and when they did it was just so nice..i guess that's why i think singing for others is nice..but i guess it's not, it's just stupid stupid! im waiting for my mom and my brother to get back..well my mom's at the airport and my brother is god knows where..w/e one of them has to bring food! i feel like pigging out. and i already ate..but i just want a munchy or something..i could eat the last standing rose..but i won't will not, neverrrrr..its special |=..anyway.. it's cold. im alone. this rocks.[x].

[[.why do we do this to ourselves?.]]

2 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

[[.nothing can fly || on broken wings.]] [12 Nov 2003|04:10pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | [[.soty || burning years.]] ]

.[x]. today was a good day. surprising..i learned some new crap on guitar class..jocelyn says i should just use chris, since he's damn good at teaching guitar tabs..umm i think that's what im doing. it's sad really. the guy lingers around all period and he tells me what chords to play and what not..and it's cool. im proud of myself. it's amussing to hear yourself playing nirvana on the guitar, when you've always been melody challenged. he needs to teach me new stuff though, im tired of playing the white stripes, nirvana, kitty and marylin manson..i want some tbs! i bet he doesn't know who they are though. too soft for his hardcorish likes. i also feel much better jocelyn's speaking to me again. and for some reason that means a lot. she was mad though because my lazy ass didn't get started on the things for the so-co listening party. umm ill get to it. someday...in bio. we just did the usual shit..we laughed our pants off..i swear one of this days im gonna end up pissing my pants. we're just dirtbags. but it's fun. so now the tables have turned and paul aka mr.-male-version-of-strawberry-shortcake is making my chart of how many days i have to live. jerk, he was suppose to die first. then in lunch there was a food-fight, we hadn't had those in umm one week. ha. and i think i might of started the whole thing. me and terry went to buy something in the hut. ( i got a chicken sandwhich and a basket of fries with a water) and alex, michael..etc. were in back of us, and alex kept elbowing my back and poking me and stepping on my shoes, but i didn't say anything i just ignored it. when we got our food we went to sit down with the other people they had already claimed a table..eek in the middle of everyone. so lame. so we sat down, and alex was nearby so i ripped a piece of the chicken sandwhich and i threw it at him and it landed in his lap. but he didn't see it was me, so he grabbed his food and threw it in the air, and that was all it took, everyone started throwing food and running for it. so much for attempting to eat for once..not like i could bite into the freakin thing, my lips still fucked..funn! english was boring. eric threw a piece of green fishnet at my head, jocelyn said i looked like a green bride..and it contrasted awesomely with the red hair. a bride? never. but i kept the green fishnet anyway it's neat. and i got my burned copy of s.o.t.y.'s page avenue and so-co's north. such a cheap bastard* so awesome. i love joyce! on the way home i walked with terry and eddy and some other dude's that walk home with eddy. they're lame jerkoffs, they just kept talking about the latest additions to their porn collection..who cares.and halfways here i saw steven and he gave me and terry a ride. but first we stoped at my dad's he said the lady thing at his place called to see if we could go pick up a package since my dad wasn't home to bring it over. he didn't seem too pleasant about driving me there. but he knows he loves me, or else he wouldn't of bother to pick me up from school to pick it up..maybe he was forced to, and any case he went to pick me up about 15 min. after school let out. jerk. i thought it might be the so-co stuff..then i remembered the so-co stuff is suppose to arrive here..or maybe at my dad's i forget. and it better as hell get here..the so-co listening party is at the end of the month and i need the stuff! if not we'll just work with jocelyn's stuff. but when i got the package it was another bear from my hunny =D..so adorable. and that pretty much made my dad even better then it had been. terry might come over later. she wants me to do her nails..so annoying..ill fuck them up on purpose. well this is the end. [x].

[[...Sometymes we have to wryte our own happy endings... Ich liebe nur Dich allein.]] --The.Nyquil.Fairy--

[[.insert all your jealousy here.]]

5 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

[[.regrets.&.romance.]] [11 Nov 2003|05:37pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | [[.fromfirsttolast\\myheart.yourhands.]] ]

.[x]. ugh whatever reason if at all i had to care.. now seems to have vanished. i just dont give a fuck and nothing seems to matter anymore.. this is the reason i fall, this is the reason i fail, this is the reason im alone . i knew it i knew it all along..nothing lasts forever, forever only means until things change..and im so stupid and so dumb..and i hate myself..for not being able to give what others need..i really do not want to go to school tomorrow..i feel too lazy..yes laziness, my biggest flaw. and right now i feel empty..like there's a vast space inside of me..a vast space of pure emptiness, it use to be filled..i think..and now it all burned down to ashes.ack wtf is wrong with me. i hate this hate it hate it. aimee called in the afternoon..she wouldnt talk to me, she talked to steven instead..according to him she's home alone and her mom dad and brother are in san fran. and she got a call saying that her grandma passed away, so she tried calling the cell but they have it's turned off. and she was desperate and what not..and all that steven could say was 'oh man that sucks im sorry' then she said some more stuff and he said bye and hanged up. god damn him i wanted to speak to her.w/e, she obviously did not wanna talk to me. and i have to start doing the posters and the other crap for the S.C listening party..which is gonna be sometime in nov. fuck jocelyn..i don't know what to do..she hasn't even let me preview the stuff. ugh i give up on that she can run the listening party on her own. so much better w/out me..and hmm all of a sudden i feel calm, yet still empty. and my lip is throbing..wish i could rip it off..that would just be worse. and it truly feels like the end just the end of things. .[x].

3 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

::.rah blah blah dingo!.:: [24 Sep 2003|09:38pm]
[ mood | numb ]

read if you care...
im too lazy to keep both going. |=
fattyxcore rocks ass...the end, amen, and hallelujah.

Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

:::.she's looking for her daughter at midnight in torriental downpour.::: [14 Sep 2003|08:47pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | the.no.seatbelt.song. ]

So, I've deleted the old jurnal because I rather start fresh. I figured it was lame, and nothing that happened then really matters now.
I've decided to just flat out forget about David, I'm ok with being just his friend, 'cause although I can't be anything more then that, he's still someone worthy to have as a friend.
This is mainly 'cause I've moved on to better bigger things...and although I can't do a lot of things with this person it's ok I like him nevertheless. Just everything 'bout him seems so right, I can't believe a certain little someone was so low and dared hurt him, but w.e she's old news and I really trully don't give a damn about her. So..yeahhhhhhhh, I really like this certain someone, because they're so great, always there to hear me out, to put up with my whyning and my verrry annoying 'yeahhhhh's'...and well I don't how to explain it...
Today I did pretty much nothing |=, I spend half the day in my pijama's and then I went out to eat. My mom was acting like a little bitch but only for a while, then we were ok. Right now I'm really missing someone and I wish we could be talking...about meaningless things that w/ him seem pretty meaningfull |=.
Not really looking forward to tomorrow but I'm ready to kick some butt! out in the field, and I wanna see Joshelyn, so we can discuss our whole pretend band deal! yeahh. so I guess that is all.

16 [[Crakle.Crackle's| Fire's a beautiful sound.]]

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