Everywhere you go, you know what you're doing and
people can't stop to take notice. You're into
what's groovy and different. You're the Funky
Style type of Gay Guy.
What type of gay guy are You?
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enthralledTommorrow should be a a pretty fun day. I kinda mean that in a sarcastic way but not really. First, I have to get up before the sun and drive to Orlando with my mom to pick up my step-dad. He finally gets out of prison. As soon as we get back I need to get to the DMV to get a Florida driver's license (yeah, i still have mine from Illinois). Then hopefully that won't take too long and I can rush home to buy a insurance policy. Then if time allows I can go by the dearship and pick up my car. A 1997 Mercury Cougar. It's not as wonderful as my last car but I'm starting over here.
Then, Friday I'm having dinner with this guy Bryan. We are going to get a place together. No sexually thing between us, yet. He's not really my type but I still would (fuck him that is).
Finally, I've been talking to this guy Craig almost everynight now since I hit on him in the club a couple of weeks ago. He's one of the cutest I've ever seen. We're going to Ft. Lauderdale Saturday night to party. I guess you can say we got a little thing going on. Only he is one of those types that his eyes open wide at the sight of a persons dollar signs. He's not looking for love, yet a sugar daddy. I'm hoping I can show him the meaning of a loving heart. MINE.
Alright then. With that said I should now say goodnite to Craig and be off to bed. Later peps.
excited
lazyThat title is so appropriate on so many levels. For one, after 2 direct hurricane hits, I'm still here safe and sound. This year has been an incredible year for Florida. I’ve actually lost count of how many storms have hit in the past month. Amazing to think that all of this has happened in the span of a month. For the Martin county and St. Lucie county area we had a category two hurricane over the Labor Day weekend, also my 22nd birthday weekend which sucked because the days following the storm there was curfew put into effect at 8pm (all of the traffic lights were either not working or missing in action plus the added danger of trying to dodge around giant tree limbs in the dark) plus they banned the sell of alcohol. It was like marshal law. Then of course this past weekend we had a category 3 hurricane make landfall within two miles of where the last one did and within seventeen minutes of when the last one hit (I’m sure the media has given these creatures of damednation a name but hereafter I will refer to them as storms or Satan’s little bastards). It’s quite an amazing thing to sit your home and listen to the walls rumble like thunder as the 100+ m.p.h. winds force them to flex in and out as if they were breathing heavily and giant chucks of your neighbors houses dart through the air crushing into your own. Listening to the wind scream, the trees cry, and transformers blow lighting up the sky in erie hues of purple and green. And then the battle slows and all seems to be well and you think “finally, the end.” 1am and you and you neighbors are outside with flashlights, lanterns, and beer checking on each other. The moon is shining bright, the wind is clam is cool, but the feeling is short lived because your in the eye of the storm. The calmness lasts for about 2 hours, just enough time for you to catch a quick nape, then it’s time for round two.
Waking in the morning to find everything in shambles. Your manicured lawn a mess, trees that have been standing proud since before you were born are now just a sad twisted memory, and the knowledge that you have to clean all of this shit up. So you spend your entire Sunday trying to get back to “normal”, only it’s not so normal because it will be days maybe weeks before you’ll have electricity in your home again. Then it’s to work on Monday where you find your office in about a foot of water and the whole place a mess like the room was full with people and someone screamed ‘fire.’
Yeah, I’ve been reading a lot of Steven King lately so forgive me when things begin to sound like a novel.
On the brighter, maybe not so, side of things. My love life is still non-existent. I have a couple of options. Two of which are at work which it isn’t a great idea to start something with someone in your same department; the manual says so. But one of my managers Lucas is way too cute for me not to try. The other is an ex boyfriend of a friend of mine which always feels weird. And then there’s Craig. A nineteen year old that I met at the local gay pub. Gorgeous in every way yet obtaining him may require more energy than I care to exert at this time. Only because he’s playing this whole hard to get thing. It’s cute but at the same time who really cares for games.
My step-dad gets out of prison in about 3 weeks so it’s time for me to be moving on. I’ll be getting a car (again) this weekend and an apartment will follow soon thereafter.
Despite all of this, life is good. I’m happy with everything, except my hair. I need color and a cut. Ah, I’ll get to that later.
P.S. I miss all my blurty friends that have stopped updating. Tyler, Mike, Josh, you all know who you all are.
contentWell, since it's been about a month since I've updated, I'll start off with the normal bullshit. For the last month I've been enjoying my new job at Liberty Medical (yeah, you've seen the commercials). Good people, great pay. My mother and I have been getting along fine, although I haven't been able to save a damn dime cause all my cash overflow goes to her to pay bills. My seven y/o sister has been driving me crazy as normal. Lately I've been trying to add more substance in my life by reading novels. I use to hate to read but since this really cute guy at work suggested I read Steven King's 'The Dark Tower', I'm now on the second book. No significant other, of course.
Which is a nice sageway into the present. I was supposed to hook up with this really cute guy (Craig, 18, 5' 11", 140pds, tan, cool hair, fuckin sexy) tonight at the local gay bar down the road, but do to the hurricane headed right for my area tommorrow everything is shut down. I just got home from trying to go out to get some milk and bread but nothing, absolutely nothing, is open. It really sucks cause I had a craving for Burger King but they are closed until Sunday. Fucking Sunday. That's the entire weekend. That goes for everything else too. Nothing will be open again until Sunday. Hurricane Frances. Cat 3 hurricane on it's way. We've got plywood on the windows, like 20 gallons of water, bags of ice, full tank of gas, and no freakin bread. And get this there's a curfew. 8pm no one is to be on the road. Because of that, the liquior store down the road is packed. It's one of the only things open. I guess beer is right up there on the emergency check list next to batteries.
I visited and old woman today (Ms. Bee, no particular reason for the name. It's just what folks call her) to she how she was doing and if she was ready for the storm. She hasn't taken any precautions at all. She said, "If it takes me I'm ready to go." I could see it in her eyes, as I do everytime I visit her, that shes tired of living. She's 98. Poor old soul. God bless you Ms. Bee. When your time finaly comes, my your rest be peaceful.
P.S. This sucks even more because this was supposed to be my birthday weekend. Sean was gonna fly in from Chicago and everything. Shit, the damn airports are closed until Monday. That's ok, I already bought my birthday gift for myself. A Fender guitar. I'll celebrate on my own playing riffs. As soon as I learn how to play that is.
aggravatedhttp://www.liquidgeneration.com/quiz/images/shadierthanslim.jpg
To link it (the actual code): 
curiousI didn't mean to push anything. I'm sorry. Your completly right in every aspect. I don't wanna get closer in the sense of a relationship or anything cause that would be terrible on the both of us. I should have just kept my mouth shut. No, actually I'm glad I did. People spend too much damn time not saying how they feel. And life is too fucking short for that. I never told Jason how I felt. How great of a friend he was to me and how much I appreciated him. Then he died. Fucked up part is know one saw it coming. He just seemed to die for no good damn reason.
But I'm glad I expressed myself. Like I said, I just wanted to let you know. And like we dicussed, it's not an option so let's just forget about it. Which is actually what I did. And the whole thing tonight; like I said I just thought it would be cool and I thought you were thinking the same. That is until you actually saw me for like 10 seconds. I guess I scared you away. Either with my apperence or with my words. In any event, I'm sorry.
One a final note, some things you said really bothered me. "You don't need to see me." You said that so matter of factly. Almost like saying you don't want me to see you. And no we are not different. If we were, we would have never clicked would we? And WOOH HOOH, I'm five years older than you. Big deal. In the great scheme of things five years don't mean shit. Hell my last boyfriend was eight years older than me. But I'm not pissed at you or anything. Just......... sad I guess. Cause I know this will change things forever. I'll be losing a buddy to talk to. So if I don't say anything to you it'll be because I'm waiting on you. When your comfortable again to chat than my door is always open. Until then I'll just be sitting back quietly giving you space. I don't wanna put pressure on you. It's not needed. It would be great if we could just say what we have to say tonight and then never bring it up again. The morning brings a new day and all of this can be water under the bridge.
All in all, all I want from you is a really good friendship. If anything pops up in the future, then so be it. But I"m thinking about that right now. Okay?
Still much love to ya hun.
disappointedYou remind me of a part of a Maroon5 song that I really like. "I know I don't know you, but I want you. So bad." is a verse that reminds me of you every time. Because altough I know I don't actually know you, I know that your the type of person I could really find myself spending alot of time with. Hell, to be honest, I know a relationship between us would work perfectly. Of course our conversation earlier today made me think about it alot more. I guess you already know by now that I have some type of feelings for you. It just sucks that your so far away. To be constantly looking for that special someone and already know who they are and that the only thing that separates you two is distance is one of the worst feelings in the world.
As I've told you many times, one day I am coming to New Jersy to find you. So at least we can hang out. I would want at least that much. If only for like an hour and I never see you again it would be all worth it. There's so much more I would love to say but just can't find the words.
Much love to you hun. Talk to you soon.
restlessIf I've said it once, I've said it a million times. It's a small world. A couple of days ago this guy IM's me and we start talking. He said for some odd reason my name was on his buddy list and he didn't know how it got there. Turns out we don't live far from each other (like less than 3 miles) and we did figure out that we did met once like back in January. He's really cute, he thinks i'm cute, blah blah blah. Twist is that this dude turns out to be Tome's ex-boyfriend that he now hates. I almost feel like I'm being set up to be punk'd.
Anyway, speaking of Tome, we talked last night and we've decided to just be friends. He has too many problems to have any type of relationship.
I've figured how my depression fits come about. All of us have things that bother us or get us kinda down or just plain annoy us. For me, instead of brushing them off and forgeting about them, I store them away deep inside of me in little perverbial jars. I keep storing them away until the point that something makes me feel the least bit sad or down then a domino effect starts. Like over filling a glass of water, all these emotions come pooring out that have been put away for however long they have been there. Now that I have identified the probelm and how it effects me I can now better take care of myself. I just wish I could figure out a cycle. So from now on when I get like that I'm just gonna ignore it and take my meds.
Alot of weirdness while Sean was here. Just freaking odd feelings going on between everyone. But then again, this crap always happens on mom's birthday. Hell, it's tradition.
annoyedToday was my moms birthday get together thing. My brother from Chicago is here until Tuesday. We were all out to eat at after we all went to see the Borne Supremency (btw wait until this movie comes out on DVD cause if you go to see it in the theater you will get a freaking head ache. All of the shots are shakey and close up. Think the BlairWitch Project type of crap. Other than that it's really good.) We are almost done with dinner when all of a sudden I just felt really down and didn't want to be around people. We all were supposed to go over moms house to play scrabble but i just wanted to come home and separate myself from the world.
I'm just sick of being me right now. I'm sick about being so fucking emotional about everything. Times like this I think to myself would have things just been better if I actually suceeded in my plans to kill myself months ago. I dunno. I dunno anything about anything anymore. Life doesn't suck as much as it did then but I still feel as sad as I did that night.
I need to rest and be by myself for a couple of days. Either or I need more meds.
scaredI got fired from Aegis Communications on Monday. On Wensday Liberty Medical (you've seen the commercial with the Qaker Oats guy) called me and asked me to start August 2nd. Plus they pay more money. Some things are just meant to happen.
I'm still talking to Tome for some odd reason. I can see now that even if he did want a relationship he wouldn't be able to handle it because he's got way too much baggage from his past. I told him that you just have to let some shit go. You can't worry about crap you can't change. You learn from it, grow from it, and move on. Otherwise, your holding this stuff inside you and it's making you bitter. I told him, "I'm sure he's moved on, so should you."
So Tome now in my mind is out of the question. Next on the list is the the gogo boy at the gay bar down the street. We used to go to high school together. If I keep this up soon enough I will have worked my way through every cute gay guy in the tri-county area. I guess i'm wearing Byran's bracelet from QAF for a reason. I'm a whore, a dirty whore. Not actually. I'm sure I have the reputation.
My bro flyes in from Chicago tonight. So the rest of the weekend will be a family thang. For the first time I'm kinda apprehensive about it. I mean mom and Shannon aren't really on good terms, mom hasn't returned any of my phone calls lately, I'm constantly conserned about Shannon, everyone's pissed at Ryan, and Sean is undoubtable going to say something to cause drama. Actually, now that I think about it, this always happens on moms birthday. Because we all feel the need to be around each other for her sake and all of us in one room isn't too great of an idea. Oh well, that's family for ya.
bitchyWell Matt, Andrea, Tome (my current "love" interest), and I went out to play pool and then we went to the local gay pub to watch a bunch of queens do karioke. At the bar Tome told me that he's not an affectionate type person and I'm just like ok whatever. Then Tome and I came back to my place and as I try to cuddle he's like "To be honest with you, I'm not looking for a relationship." Then we proceed to make a little thing called love. I actually got to used my falvored condums.
When I dropped him off he didn't kiss me and then I thought about what he said and I was pretty sad. I didn't wanna cry or anything but it stills sucks just that bad. I like hanging out with him and I would love to have a relationship with him but if that's not what he's looking for then I don't think I can continue to see him like this. Pretty much he just wants to fuck on a regular basis. I, myself, want a serious relationship right now. I want someone to be emotionally attached to. I feel like if I continue in this thing with Tome then I might miss out on something real.
I dunno maybe I'll hang out with him a couple more times and then I'll have to tell him how I feel. God, why can't one aspect of my life be perfect? Just one. One thing at a time.
disappointedWell, let's start from the beginning shall we. Sunday night right after I posted my last entry Matt, Andrea, and Shannon showed up on my doorstep. We went out and bought some alcohol and some fireworks and went to a beach that no one goes to. I found out this is because it is a government protected beach because seaturtles lay their eggs there. It was quite a sight to see a nest up close. We were very responsible and did not disturb anything. In any event, we set off fireworks over the ocean, made a small camp fire, went skinny dipping, and got tipsy. I'm still itchy from all the instect bites I received that night. That OFF carp doesn't work worth a damn. On the way home, we had to stop the car like every 10 minutes so Shannon could vomite. Poor girl; when I was her age I could hold my liquir with the best of them. Between stops Shannon and Andrea had an interesting conversation on anal sex. Shannon went on and on about her experiences. "Oh it hurts like hell, but it feels soooo gooood." This fire was fueled by Andrea's questions regarding the topic because she had never experienced such a thing. Matt and I didn't want to her this at all. I for one because I've known Shannon for the last 7 years now and regard to her as my sister. So imagine your little sister going on and on about different guys fucking her in the ass and how much she liked it. I begged Matt to drive faster so I can get home and out of the okward situation. I later found out that after I got out of the car that Shannon continued about her partners and their cock sizes. Andrea then asked Shannon to "size up" Matt. So Matt is driving, Andrea (in the passenger seat) pulls out his dick and Shannon (in the back seat behind him) reaches and grabs it and says, "Yeah, that's about right." I'm sooo damn glad I wasn't present to witness that.
Thursday night I went out to meet up with this guy I met on the internet. His name is Tome (pronounced Tommy), 18 y/o, 5' 9", 140 pds, blonde hair, blue eyes, very cute. If anyone wants a pic I'll e-mail it to you if you ask. Anyway, I went to pick him up from work (Mobil gas station). I thought we were gonna go back to his place to chill out, watch a flick maybe. Well, he says his roomates really don't like for new people to be just tramping about the apartment. I can respect that. So we go the store to buy some drinks and snacks and then proceed to drive around looking for somewhere to hang out. We finally stop along side of this road that leads to nowhere behind Sleep Inn. We have a really deep conversation about our lives, our ideas on polictics, current affairs, science, etc. . I really enjoyed that part; just meeting a really cute guy that you can have an in depth conversation with is really great for me. Well, then we started making out and before you know it we're in the back seat of my mother's Rodeo having sex. Yeah, it was that good of a conversation. :-P Well during this act we had the stearo and the ac on, but the engine wasn't running. Yes, I should have known better but my head was elsewhere. No punn intended. Anyway, we finished and I went to start the car. Surprise, the battery is dead. So we walk to the hotel to use the phone. I wanted to call Matt but I couldn't remember his number so I had to call mom (Shannon's mom actually but I've claimed her too). I didn't want to call her cause at this point it's 2:30 in the morning but I didn't have any choice. So I called her, got Matt's number, called and told him I needed help and he was on his way. Of course when he showed up I had to tell him what excatly happened. Let's just say Matt has a big ass mouth. Now everyone from here to Chicago knows about my night Thursday.
Last night Matt, Andrea and I went out. First, we went to see King Arthur. Good film. It's better than I thought it would be. Then, we went to the alse house to have some snacks and drinks. Finally, I took them to the local gay bar so they could enjoy their very first drag show. Andrea loved it and Matt thought it was ok. After the show the dance floor opens up again for everyone to shake their groove thang. I fell in love with 4 guys. Two of which I put dollar bills down the frount of their pants. I'm just a horny little bastard.
Today, I find out that my other brother Ryan who isn't related to me is about to have another kid. He's 18. Everyone in the family feels like there's nothing else we can do. We're tired of the drama with him now. He's 18, he works as a waiter at a BBQ pit and his wife stays home with the current baby. He can barely take care of his responsiblities now and their going to have another kid. Hell their first brat isn't even a year old yet. Oh well, that's their life. I've got enough shit to worry about. I'll be there for them if I can.
calmFirst of all, I have to say 'WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE.' You people suck. I can't believe no one has updated in like two weeks. You bastards aren't THAT damn busy.
In any event. I was talking to my brother Sean in Chicago on Thursday and he had the idea that when he moves back down to Florida in September that he, Matt, Andrea, and I should get a place together. At first I was just kinda "yea right, that'll happen." But actually, the idea has been well received by all. Then, according to the current plan, after living together for a year or so we want to move to LA. I figured why not. I have no real direction in life right now.
Just about everyone knows about my secert lifestyle now. I told my old friend Matt on thursday and ever since he's been obsessed with showing me his cock. Not that I really want to see it. I know everyone reacts to that type of news differently, but good god.
I have a couple of love interests that could become boyfriends but they more than likely won't. Mostly because of my lack of freetime and transportation.
I miss Josh. He's in Germany for a month and it sucks cause I have no one to chat with anymore. I tried to catch Tyler when he got online for about two seconds a couple of days ago, but I was busy with one of my love interests and his webcam. It's kinda wierd; my grandmother is about to go over to Germany in a couple of weeks. I should get her to track down Josh for me.
Blah, blah, blah. Life goes on. Slowly but surely.
TURTLE POWER!
tired| How to make a rich869 |
| Ingredients: 3 parts mercy 5 parts crazyiness 5 parts ego |
| Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Serve with a slice of fitness and a pinch of salt. Yum! |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TYLER!!!! I didn't forget about you homie. If I was in Texas (god forbid; i really don't care for Texas) I would take you out somewhere. Thanks for your kind words. And thanks to everyone for making me feel better with your posted comments.
Anyway, life has returned to something like normal. Except for the fact that I'm now on prescription anti-depressants. Kinda ironic isn't. I try to kill myself by taking pills so they write me a prescription for more. Florida is great that way. I go to work everyday, come home, play with the kids (my sister is like having 3 brats in one), go to bed and do it all over again. And I guess because I pay bills around here now me and my mom get along just fine. For the time being anyway. I think things will be ok for a while now. The next time I'm feeling down I'm just going to check myself back into the mental hospital. I had fun there. You get to bitch and moan about all your probelms and everyone actually listens to you. It's like a vacation with free drugs.
I was watching the news today and I found it interesting that it's the 10 year anniversary of the murder of Nicole Brown-Simpson while we are just getting into this whole thing with Scott Peterson. The news ancors were talking about how O.J. got off even though there so much circumstanal evidence pointing to him and it got me thinking. How much do you wanna bet that Scott Peterson is sentenced to death or life in prison? I'm betting he will. That's just my thoughts on the whole thing. I guess we'll see in about 6 months.
relaxed
your song is "Who Needs Shelter"
Which Jason Mraz song are you?
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Last Friday I got up and went to work and had a pretty good day. It was payday and everone was happy. I got a ride home from a co-worker, walked into the house and started telling my mom about my paycheck stub. She started yelling me about the bills she had to pay and how I should be giving her money to help out. She basically said to give her $200 right then or get the fuck out cause I'm not her probelm anymore.
I went out onto the back porch with a bottle of wine, a box of cigarettes, my cd player (Jason Mraz playing of course), and cried for about 20 minutes. I thought to myself that I have nothing and no one. How in the span of 6 months my life has turned to shit. I finally said to myself that I'm tired of trying to make things work and everyone else it tired of me.
I went back into the house and put my Visa card on my mom's dresser with my pin written on a piece of paper. Then I went into her bathroom cabinet and started taking every pill i could get my hands on. Heart meds, uppers, downers, i didn't care. All together I guess I took about 40 pills and 6 glasses of zinfindal.
As I lyed down in my bedroom waiting to die my mom bursts into my room still scearming. Ranting and raving about what the hell am I going to do with myself. I passed out.
I woke up in the ER with tubs and wires hooked up to me like it was an episode of .........well E.R. I don't know what all they did to me. I was told that I was shaking alot and that I had threw up.
After about 6 hours in the hospital I was escorted to the Savanna's mental hospital. I just got released yesterday after spending a week there attending group theropy and conseling sessions. They have labeled me with severe depression and I am now medication for it.
I still almost feel like I've given up. Who knows. These happy pills of mine can only last for so long and then what. The only thing I can do is take it one day at a time. I did however that I am not alone. I have more people that care about me than I thought. And thank god for them or else I might be in the mood to make a return trip.
Well so far my mom has bought 3 wallets and a purse. My grandma has bought a belt and in the process of buying a hat. My granddad bought a grill of some sort. And I'm buying some Vuitton shoes for my mom for mother's day. I bought a metal plate from Egypt with depictions on it for my grandma. For my step-mom (my best friend in the world Sean's mom) a got a belt and a choker made out of jungle seeds by hand from Indians in Peru; or at least that's what the chica in the store told me. My greatgrandma is getting a card. She doesn't need anymore crap in her house. She's still wearing the some clothes she bought in the 60's. I mean she's bought stuff since then but she doesn't get rid of anything. Plus, she really likes cards.
Why is it that there are links to different websites on my journal now. I guess blurty brought in some sponsers.
I tortured myself yesterday. I went to visit my first gay love from high school. Jason. My god, to feel his bare chest in my arms when I hugged him felt so damn good. I'll always love that damn boy.
I need to lye down. I just got energetic and tried to see if i could do what I use to in high school (75 push-ups in a 2 minutes, 60 sit-ups in 2 minutes). I guess I'm not as young as I used to be cause now there's no blood going to my brain. Plus I didn't smoke back then. Cigarettes anyway.
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