... be more open.
I didn't want to post this, but this is me trying to be more transparent.
... bed in bed.
... be more willing to move forward in God's direction.
... stop complaining.
... step out in faith more.
... be on my own (away from living at home) by now.
... be more social.
... reach out more.
... stop being selfish.
The list goes on, but each in an entry/story in itself. I'm not sure if I want to post this is my "spiritual journey" blog, but who knows it's going on 1am as I type this. I've been off work for the past few days and my soul has been quiet. (I've been left home alone while the family works and carries out their day.) It's been different not being able to talk to a human being other than through the computer or phone via text message. I did my devotions and felt encouraged, but after the Bible was shut I needed something more. Substance.
Wednesday night, my church had a worship night that happens once a month called "Engage The Spirit." It's an amazing two hours of worship to just bask in God's presence and refresh. I invited a friend and he showed up for the first time. As usual, I got a few words for others and felt good responding to God's voice for others. When the Pastor came up on stage to talk about anyone feeling in a dark place to come forward, I knew the Spirit was talking to me. I've been lacking (I call it substance) the light in my life. I'm going through the motions of what I'm suppose to do. I'm obedient and receiving messages for people, but nothing for me. I've had moments where God reminds me that he is still encouraging me and showing me the way, but really I'm in the dark. Our Pastor said sometimes God does this so we become completely reliant on him for our next move. We must be careful not to "turn on the lights" through our own torches as a means to find a different way or way out of this darkness. I know I need to dig deeper to get the journey moving, but it's not easy. I already knew this journey would be like climbing a hill and I've started it and now I need a push up.
I hope I'm making sense...
I guess the trouble I'm running into is EVERYTHING.
- The life group I had is no longer taking place. It was a mutual decision that we were entering a season of change. Now, I don't have a "circle" of friends I know I'll see every week. It's a friend here or a friend there, but we hardly see one another.
- The job I have is "flexible" with me because I'm part time, but I don't want to lose their respect for me. Hours = a steady paycheck
- Internship hunt: Since this summer I've looked for an internship to take, get school credit, and graduate. I did one on my own (the gym B-Fit), applied for two, and got great compliments but no position. I've been getting great leads, but it goes back to the infamous question every employer says: "It's really what you want to do."
- What DO I want do?? In the advertising agency world, I know I have a creative edge who is stronger in leading. I adore words and how I am set free with them. Is this God's plan or my own?
- Emotions are all over the place. I got to love this day in age... I found out on Facebook that a friend from high school passed away and my best friend is seeing someone in the same week. Really? I'm such a
what's the word relational person, that I would rather be told in person than read about it and cry on my own. Does that sound fair?
- Nothing is or ever will be fair. In my house, you schedule yourself to make dinner, and then you don't have to do dishes. No one volunteered to make dinner on Tuesday night, so I did and what else did I do? Dishes. I was scheduled for dinner tonight, but had a lot to get done today and guess what? Asking for help was when I got laughs. Yes, I got the help but in the end I did the dishes. I know dishes is not the issue here... I'm big on fairness and consistency. What does everything just change like that??
- Season of loneliness has been on my mind since I've entered this darkness. Our Pastor said it well on Wednesday night when he said if you try telling someone about this, they just don't understand. It's not that they don't want to or aren't trying to, it's just something each person experiences differently. My heart aches for a connection or a flicker or passion and to just follow it wholeheartedly!
All that comes to mind is to do what I need to do to graduate school. Internship somewhere. Contact Every Nation Ministries and see if they need interns. I receive their monthly newsletter and when I read it, I immediately wanted to know who made them. I want to write a story or book about how God is moving in my life and people SEE God through me. Words are my life, but there's so much more complicated things in the way sometimes. I'm going in circles because I am trying to not run away, but to find my next step in Christ. It's hard because I am unhappy in a lot of areas of my life right now. The Lord knows this, but he is strong in my weakness.