JessieButt's Blurty
 
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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in JessieButt's Blurty:

    Friday, July 8th, 2005
    12:03 am
    People like...
    "People like people who take care of themselves..."-Ms. Congeniality 2

    So i watched this movie tonight and i must say, it's a good one. I think little girls should watch it, but what do i know.

    TOday, well..what about today stands out. The whole damn thing. There arent any lowlights of today, the whole 24 hours of it, unless you consider sleep. No, sleep doesn't count as a lowlight that's a highlight too. It's rare. The only time i sleep well, even if it is for an hour, is when i am next to Ryan.

    So back to my day. Woke up, went to work, made 21 bucks at work. Sucked MAJOR! I have learned that the little bit of a chance females had of being nice got shot in the ass within one hour of me being at work. See, i wanted to give females a chance, being friends, whatever female friends do. But iam so fine with the females friends i have now, though some are not as close as i would like due to distance, i still love the ones i have. Missy, JP, Megan, Jessica Gordon, Bits(whenever we do talk)...they are all i need.

    Back to the story again

    Note: this is why i cant write papers, i have ADD, i write a paper and spend most of the time putting the paragraphs together like a puzzle.

    So my first table was two guys, one muscular, the other not so muscular, they were nice, left me 5 bucks.

    2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th table ALL FEMALES. To sum it all up on three tables (note- one of the tables had 3 women, the others had 2), i made 8 bucks off of. ALL TOGETHER.

    So here is my plan for the world of females, if you are a female, get your ass a waitressing job or a very very needy family and learn to appreciate people bringing your food, filling you glass, and wiping your damn table off. If you have a maid, get rid of her and learn what it is like to wait on yourself.

    those who appreciate a server, tip more. And i hate to burst anyone's bubble here if they think "well then you must bea bad server" NO, disgruntle right now and have been most of the day......But i get so many damn compliments to the manager and to corprate about how good i am.

    So in my conclusion people like people who are themselves, take care of themselves and appreciate someone trying to take care of others.

    My friend needs to know that i am sorry very sorry.

    So after work i came home for a littel bit and went to ryans house to get him and some chinese food for a picnic. When we got to the chinese place, we decided to eat there, rather than go on our chinese picnic. I ate an eggroll and he had beef & broccolli(my usual). then him and i went to JC Penneys to check out sales, which there weren't any on stuff we need.

    Prior to arriving to the mall, i talked to ryan about a guy friend of mine. One whom Ryan, from a preconceived notion formed his idea when we were all playing pool. That this friend was falling for me. Being me, and the fact that i dont like to hide stuff from Ryan because he doesn't deserve that...so we talked about it. Nothing into too much detail, because he doesnt need to worry about things not worth worrying about. Ryan knew that this friend had fallen for me, he expects it, because it is me. whats not to love? A LOT GUYS.

    I told Ryan not to worry about it because my friend is sucha great guy and we are just going to be friends. That is what i want and that need this guy to be my friend because of well, how great he is. Ryan said that hima nd i cant be friends. I asked, why not, and he said because he will try to twist things, because if ryan weren't in the picture my friend would jump in.

    okay this "friend" has got to stop!!!!!

    IT's robert. Good now that that is out there, i can continue with my story.

    Ryan thinkis robert will do anything to break Ryan and i up. I don't think so, i think robert will be there for me no matter what. Yea, if ryan weren't in the picture it would be a great thing for robert, but not if i were unhappy and without ryan i would be.

    i left the subject alone and then we went to k-mart. Again nothing good. We went to Publix to get some boxes. they had 3, not even big enogh ones to pack in.

    So it seems as if my day is going down hill. Well it's about to crash.

    WE go to ryans house. Ryan and his mom get in a fight (Ill sum this all up for ya). Ryan and i got in a tif. I decided that i was going to help ryan pack up his room and get his stuff out of the rest of the house and in his room. No biggie, a little organizing, not hard for me, i don't mind. But in the process of having fun and joking.

    Note: Don't joke with someone when he/she just previsouly was in an argument.

    Things seemed fine, but i said something i shouldn't have. It was a mess in his room, thigs were so much more organized/out of the way, when i reached for a cable to put ina box...it was stuck and i said (jokingly) "Damn your room is such a mess it's making me not want to...." I DIDN'T FINISH THE SENTENCE and he said "It makes you not want to live with me"

    OH GOSH HERE IT GOES.

    WE fight, big time, i think it is out worst fight yet (if you minus one we had when i wasnt with him in march)

    Yelling, me crying, then him crying, then me doing a lot of talking, then him doing a little talking, til there was no talking. just silence. And the weirdest thing. He made me feel like an angel, like i was gods gift to him. Yes, there was sex, or as him and i call it making love, but before any of that stuff happened. He made me feel like an angel.

    The way he looked at me, I dunno, he looks at me like that a lot. But after what we talked about, how he wanted to do something stupid like...not be here anymore. I felt like i saved him, saved me and saved Us. I love him and i. I need him and I and i personally felt like an angel.

    IT was weird, but amazing. That was the highlight. Me feeling like an angel. I dunno what did it. but it happened. Maybe it was god. i don't know.

    Right now i know i need to talk to Robert.

    And ryan to see if he is okay.

    I spent the rest of my night with my little sister watching a movie, eating way too much candy and drinking koolaid. MAJOR highlight. or Nightlight.
    12:03 am
    People like...
    "People like people who take care of themselves..."-Ms. Congeniality 2

    So i watched this movie tonight and i must say, it's a good one. I think little girls should watch it, but what do i know.

    TOday, well..what about today stands out. The whole damn thing. There arent any lowlights of today, the whole 24 hours of it, unless you consider sleep. No, sleep doesn't count as a lowlight that's a highlight too. It's rare. The only time i sleep well, even if it is for an hour, is when i am next to Ryan.

    So back to my day. Woke up, went to work, made 21 bucks at work. Sucked MAJOR! I have learned that the little bit of a chance females had of being nice got shot in the ass within one hour of me being at work. See, i wanted to give females a chance, being friends, whatever female friends do. But iam so fine with the females friends i have now, though some are not as close as i would like due to distance, i still love the ones i have. Missy, JP, Megan, Jessica Gordon, Bits(whenever we do talk)...they are all i need.

    Back to the story again

    Note: this is why i cant write papers, i have ADD, i write a paper and spend most of the time putting the paragraphs together like a puzzle.

    So my first table was two guys, one muscular, the other not so muscular, they were nice, left me 5 bucks.

    2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th table ALL FEMALES. To sum it all up on three tables (note- one of the tables had 3 women, the others had 2), i made 8 bucks off of. ALL TOGETHER.

    So here is my plan for the world of females, if you are a female, get your ass a waitressing job or a very very needy family and learn to appreciate people bringing your food, filling you glass, and wiping your damn table off. If you have a maid, get rid of her and learn what it is like to wait on yourself.

    those who appreciate a server, tip more. And i hate to burst anyone's bubble here if they think "well then you must bea bad server" NO, disgruntle right now and have been most of the day......But i get so many damn compliments to the manager and to corprate about how good i am.

    So in my conclusion people like people who are themselves, take care of themselves and appreciate someone trying to take care of others.

    My friend needs to know that i am sorry very sorry.

    So after work i came home for a littel bit and went to ryans house to get him and some chinese food for a picnic. When we got to the chinese place, we decided to eat there, rather than go on our chinese picnic. I ate an eggroll and he had beef & broccolli(my usual). then him and i went to JC Penneys to check out sales, which there weren't any on stuff we need.

    Prior to arriving to the mall, i talked to ryan about a guy friend of mine. One whom Ryan, from a preconceived notion formed his idea when we were all playing pool. That this friend was falling for me. Being me, and the fact that i dont like to hide stuff from Ryan because he doesn't deserve that...so we talked about it. Nothing into too much detail, because he doesnt need to worry about things not worth worrying about. Ryan knew that this friend had fallen for me, he expects it, because it is me. whats not to love? A LOT GUYS.

    I told Ryan not to worry about it because my friend is sucha great guy and we are just going to be friends. That is what i want and that need this guy to be my friend because of well, how great he is. Ryan said that hima nd i cant be friends. I asked, why not, and he said because he will try to twist things, because if ryan weren't in the picture my friend would jump in.

    okay this "friend" has got to stop!!!!!

    IT's robert. Good now that that is out there, i can continue with my story.

    Ryan thinkis robert will do anything to break Ryan and i up. I don't think so, i think robert will be there for me no matter what. Yea, if ryan weren't in the picture it would be a great thing for robert, but not if i were unhappy and without ryan i would be.

    i left the subject alone and then we went to k-mart. Again nothing good. We went to Publix to get some boxes. they had 3, not even big enogh ones to pack in.

    So it seems as if my day is going down hill. Well it's about to crash.

    WE go to ryans house. Ryan and his mom get in a fight (Ill sum this all up for ya). Ryan and i got in a tif. I decided that i was going to help ryan pack up his room and get his stuff out of the rest of the house and in his room. No biggie, a little organizing, not hard for me, i don't mind. But in the process of having fun and joking.

    Note: Don't joke with someone when he/she just previsouly was in an argument.

    Things seemed fine, but i said something i shouldn't have. It was a mess in his room, thigs were so much more organized/out of the way, when i reached for a cable to put ina box...it was stuck and i said (jokingly) "Damn your room is such a mess it's making me not want to...." I DIDN'T FINISH THE SENTENCE and he said "It makes you not want to live with me"

    OH GOSH HERE IT GOES.

    WE fight, big time, i think it is out worst fight yet (if you minus one we had when i wasnt with him in march)

    Yelling, me crying, then him crying, then me doing a lot of talking, then him doing a little talking, til there was no talking. just silence. And the weirdest thing. He made me feel like an angel, like i was gods gift to him. Yes, there was sex, or as him and i call it making love, but before any of that stuff happened. He made me feel like an angel.

    The way he looked at me, I dunno, he looks at me like that a lot. But after what we talked about, how he wanted to do something stupid like...not be here anymore. I felt like i saved him, saved me and saved Us. I love him and i. I need him and I and i personally felt like an angel.

    IT was weird, but amazing. That was the highlight. Me feeling like an angel. I dunno what did it. but it happened. Maybe it was god. i don't know.

    Right now i know i need to talk to Robert.

    And ryan to see if he is okay.

    I spent the rest of my night with my little sister watching a movie, eating way too much candy and drinking koolaid. MAJOR highlight. or Nightlight.
    Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
    11:58 pm
    question madness
    My friend asked me a series of question after i hounded him with some. he asked...

    -Does she think I'm in love with her?
    -What would prompt her to ask me such questions given the gravity of the situation?
    -What if I am in love with her? Is that a bad thing or a good thing?
    -What are her feelings on the situation, or with me if applicable....

    So i should answet them. and i did via instant messenger. While he posed other questions that i asked.

    IT was question mania. I mean really.

    IT wasn't so bad, he said what he said. I said what i said. IT was all good.

    Given the topic of our conversation, tension was in the air. When is it not though between us? It's as if we are afraid to say what we want, until tonight. I'm being bold, honest, but bold. Odd. Very odd.

    My friend is a great guy. Wonderful to talk to. Great to hang with. Just amazing. But i have a boyfriend, who i love and care about a lot, whom loves me more than anything in the entire world and it shows.

    I don't know what to do. i know what i want. and that is to be great friends with this guy. SSEe what happens in the future. Whether it be just friends or thing, by huge chance, don't work out with Ryan and i, then we shall see. God knows what will happen.

    "but you're happy and you don't need my feelings getting into the mix...it's like the end of a Scooby Doo cartoon "and I'd have been happy, if it weren't for those darn meddling feelings!"""
    that is what he said.

    No i don't need his feelings getting into the mix, but they have been blended into the mix long enough. i mean not oo long considering the time of which we have known eachother. but i get my point.

    "I'm pretty sure that you won't forget how I feel no matter how hard you try and you'll know that when you're walking down the aisle, no matter how happy I am for you, I'll still feel this way about you" ::::::So true So true. But i will also know, i have a great friend who will be there for me when and if i walk down that aisle. And he would be happy for me, even if it was hurting him. I dont want him to hurt. I really don't. I hate that it would hurt him. But it's about my happiness, right? I can't stop how i feel and run from everything in fear of hurting people.

    "look, all I'm saying is that there are three people involved here, two guys who care about you immensely, at least one of the is in love with you and there's you...you're with someone, but you don't seem to have your heart into it, no matter how much you write about how great things are. But he's there, and he'll always be there for you. You have a future planned out with him and you're going...to live happily ever after. I can silence my feelings for you and tuck them away if I have to. I can keep my emotions in check, I've had this gift for doing that since I was a small child. I don't want to create any complex problems where you and I talk about feelings that we shouldn't have, or maybe we should I don't know. I'm almost certain at least one person would end up getting...his or her heart broken over this situation and I couldn't stand to know that you got your heart broken and I've met Ryan and he's a good guy, he really is and he shouldn't have his heart broken either and I almost hear an "If that's what you want" coming on, and it's not what I want necessarily, but what I want and what's best are two different things and I'm compelled to side with what's best for everyone over what I want out of my own needs"

    Ryan is great. I write about him a lot on myspace because i do indeed care about him a lot. Some of the time, no my heart isn't in it 100%....WAIt, rephrase that. It's not that my heart isn't into it 100% my mind doesn't know what to think, that is the damned problem. Always conflicting things.

    I love ryan, i am in love with him, we are going to start a life together.

    I ____ *my friend* and i am _______with him, and we are going to be very good _______"
    Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
    5:42 pm
    L. is for the way you look at me, O. is for the only one i see. V. is very veryvery extraordinary...
    Okay so here i am 3pm, on the day that i have off. I can do whatever i want, go whereever i want but i can't decide what to do. I managed to clean out my so called closet. I call it the so-called closet because it's in my moms office (thats where i sleep). It more so, the closet, a heaping pile of what i would like to call an organized mess. Well, that is what it is now that i cleaned it and organized it the best i can until i pack it all up to move. Todays the 5th, so that gives me 21 more days til i move. YAY. I think, money is the only thing stressing me out. Which could be the cause of my headache.

    Oh wait. Story to tell. It's not told as well as someone i know. The person i know that can write is an amazing story teller. He has the ability to suck you into what you are readign and wondering what is going to happen next. My story telling consist of, well to be honest, a bunch of words. Sometimes not evena bunch, it could be a sentence and my story is done. But I'll elaborate the best i can and give some details. See, this story is my attempt to, well, procrastinate the only reason I got on this thing to write. It delas with the subject line, but i will get to that later.

    Story: The Slippy 4th of July

    My family is getting ready to go to Moose Haven for the fireworks, when my little sister (Teresa) decides to freak out about the not-so-patriotic family we have become. Some of us were wearing green, or pink, or orange. I guess in the slightest way, more than any of us would have liked. See, in the past, when we lived in Maryland it was easy to be overly patriotic; (red, white and blue hat, shirts, socks, shoes, flags stuck in your hair like shopstciks, baloons tied to your pig tails) stuff like that. So we all changed into whatever we had that contained the colors red, white and blue. I ended up in a valentines day t-shirt. How patriotic?

    So they leave. And i talk to Robert on the phone for a while. WE had a really good conversation. WE seem to be able to talk about anything really. There is still that shyness, but somethings people just dont need to know. We talk until i decide to go to ryans house and get his brothers and sisters ready to go to Mosse Haven to meet my parents and stuff. That is my attempt to slowly get the families together, with the hope that they will get aong because one day. Maybe. If the damn guy would just propose, we may be, *emphasis on the may be*, married.

    Side Note: New favorite candy, that i havent had in forever. CHEWY SPREES. Go get some now.

    I waited 10 more min. before i decide to actually head over to Ryans house. Ryan didnt call when he got home from work, like he said he would, so i am a bit aggrivated. I pull into ryans street and see Ashley (Ryans sister getting out of some dudes truck), she waves at me excitingly and i pull into the drive way. I tell Robert i got to go because Ashley is in the Driveway and i am about to hit her with my truck.

    Ryan, of course, is on the computer. Doing what you may ask? You are probably thinking that he was supposed to call me when he got home so that i can talk to him about what we had planned. But, No. Ryans on a damn computer playing Halo.

    I warned Ryan that, if, when him and i live together he is on the computer for hours playing that damned game that i might be tempted to hit the tv screen with my mini-Louisville Slugger bat. (okay, the game he plays has a
    computer with a wire that connects it to the tv so it's like a video game) Ryan knows i have a temper.

    Thank my cuban mother for that. Oh and my dad, because he is the one that made us all on edge growing up.

    Back to the story:

    Ryan is trying to fix one computer and won't accept any help. He's a stubborn thing sometimes but hilarious to watch. The kids get ready and Ashley cant decide what to wear, and asks me for some clothes advice. In the end she wears a flag shirt and some sweatpants.

    Ashley rides with me in my truck and the boys go in Ryans car. We have to pay for parking so i give the guy enough money for ryans car too, because i knew he wouldnt have any money on him.

    It's raining and there is a pond that we parked by. I hope that it would continue rainy, so that when we left i could finally get my girly truck all muddy. We walk over to meet my parents with umbreallas in hand. There are a bunch of moon bounce things and as soon as i reach my parents they all try to convice me to go on one. I'm thinking "yall are all smiking something, it's rainy, i finally got dressed out of my pj's and you want me to get soaked?" AShley asked me and i caved. So we all went into a moon bounce.

    Slipped and slid, fell and flew, mass mahiem.

    Ashley, Tina (twin), Teresa (little sis), Bridgette (lil sis's friend) and I were all is there. All of us fell at one point and :

    BAM. Crack.

    That's my head on my twins knee. I thought i died.

    I just layed there thinking "I'm blacking out, across this thing to the left is a firetruck, why aren't they here, i'm bleeding to death and everyone is just looking at me"

    So i wasn't bleeding, I got up. Everyone is like "are you okay?" I said "yeah" got up "I;ll just check my head later, it could be bleeding, who knows" and start bouncying again.

    I love moon bounces. they are so damn fun. I want on for my kids. And for me, i mean hello you cant havea big toy in the back yard and expect the kids to be the only one playing in it.

    Ryan, through of this seems to be all sad. I dunno why. It's raining. I can see that. Tyler and Chanler (his brothers) are with him so i thought he would be fine. After some dipute about whether the fireworks were still going to take place, we headed over to the river to wait for them to start.

    We all sit next on the small concrete square with a flag pole in the middle. Great if all the people i love are sitting on this square, and a sparatic burst of lighting hits this pole. At least we'll all be together.

    Ryan seems cranky. But i watch the ladies making the funnel cakes. IT's so amusing. WE watch the fireworks. I have amoment with my dad because i got up in the middle of them...Gave him a hug and whispered in his ear thank you. He said "for what?". I said "for doing what you do" He's in the navy. He looked at me and smiled, then did the daddy thing..."oooo, ahhhh" At the fireworks. WE do that to christmas lights too.

    My parents then went home. Ashley and I, both soaked were bitching about our underwear. For her, the lack of. We went to the car, waited for traffic to die down and headed to ryans house. Ryan and i headed upstairs to his room so i can change into drier clothes and he can change out of his work clothes. In the process of changing, we decided to finish the movie Spanglish while i defrost under the covers. It was nice. We talked, watched the movie, had fun. Seemed like things were way better then before.

    So there is more, but it's not anyone's business. Some of it being stuff yall would rather not hear/read and some just being feelings i have that i will share another day.

    THE REASON WHY I GOT ON THIS:

    So i am supposed to write about what i think love is. My friend did it for me and he wants me to write and say what i think it is. Hmmm. Let me gather my thoughts and let my whinny dog out of my bedroom.

    I could just say that Love is what Alfalfa has for a girl in the Little Rascals. When he sings that song: "L- is for the way you look at me. O- is for the only one i see, V- is very, very, very extraordinary and E- is..." Well i dunno what "E" stands for but it's got to be something good.

    Unfortunately, i don't think the person who wanted meto write this thing would settle for love meaning what Alfalfa sang in a talent show, hiccupping bubbles.

    So i'll dig deeper.

    Love. Love. Love. It's what my parents and grandparetns have for eachother. It's hard to define. It's rare. Yet Common. People think they are in love, but they really just love the idea of being loved. It's a feeling one has for someone else. Something that is strong, can't be broken down, can never 100% go away, no matter the way you loved a person.

    For example, my friend Joe. Met him in 11th grade. We dated. I loved him. Really did. Looking back at it i don't think i was in love with him, but i loved him. Cared about him deeply. He drove me crazy. I thought about him all the time. When i woke up, went to bed, when i saw certain things. I cared about him and his happiness so much. You are probably wondering what happened then. Well, I had anohter guy friend. Nick. Whom i thought was a great friend. No one i ever would date would tell who and who not to be friends with. So I chose to keep my friend, and out of no where Joe and I became just friends, with a lot of awkwardness.

    I saw Joe the other day. He was meeting his girlfriend, Kelly, at Crispsers to suprise her and her mom. He decided to drop by my work. He makes me nervous still, we cant look at eachother in the eye for more than 2 seconds. It's not that we like eachother it's that we once loved eachother and cared about each other. But the love i had for him was different.

    Different then what?

    the love i have for Ryan. I can't describe it because i have yet to figure out the type of love i have for him. I am in love with him, i know that, i picture my future and there he is. I just cant explain it. It's a good love, a great love...an odd one. very odd, but nonetheless wonderful.

    I have always pictured falling in love like the movies. But i have been told that life is not like the movies. Whatver. It sure is. Think about it. Life can be a movie. What the hell are movies based on. People's lives.

    For those of you questioning love, watch Sweet November and The notebook. Sweet November, explains love. Explains what i want love to be. Endless. Totally and completely, whole-heartigly, you don't have to be the one to do everything, free flowing, reach for the stars over the fence world series kinda thing.

    It's ageless. You can be 95 years old on your death bed and he'll still think you are beautiful and have no problem saying it.

    It's wonderful. IT's rare. It's something that once you lose it, you won't find that same love again. So if you are in love, don't lose it. Don't do anything to mess it up. Don't let the other do anything to mess it up. Keep it real. Dont leave your problems undiscussed. And for god sakes live together. Spend time together. Propose yourself if the other is just taking too long. lol. No i am just kidding about that last sentence.

    A friend said that butterflies mean something but they don't mean you are in love. But the more i think about it. I think love is like a butterfly. Not the butterflies you get in your stomach, but the kind you see fluttering by a flower. It's fragile, light, makes you want to float. Makes you feel like you are flying. Colorful yet dark. Full of life. Yes, butterflies die 24-48 hours (someone once said) after they come out of their caccoon but when you see a butterfly, so you really think. "Well damn that thing sure is pretty, too bad it's going to die soon" No, i sure as hell don't.

    Butterflies are love. Love is like a butterfly. that's my conclusion.

    Confused? I hope not.
    Monday, July 4th, 2005
    2:57 pm
    First Entry
    Okay, so i sign up for this thing so that i can get some stuff off of my mind, without anyone really reading it. A few select few, but none that i really dont want to know what is going on.

    It is basically a way for me to let out how i feel, what i want, what is going on, and what some should not and need not to know.

    So let's begin. It may sound like this is going to be long, but need i remind you, it is gorgeous outside. Hot, extremly hot for the fourth of july, but nonetheless, gorgeous.

    So last night Ryan and i went to a movie. The Perfect Man. I must suggest that girls go see this movie not only is it cute but it could also be a tear jerker if you are in that type of mood. I guess i was in that kind of mood. so the tears fell, just three, i counted.

    To sum the night up. it was good, until Ryan got in a weird mood. SO we got in a little tiff, made up and then i cried, for no apparent reason. I mean there is a reason but not one to cry over. Now i wish that i could say it was pms. What girl doesn't blame their moods on that? But unfortunately, I think, i was just upset. S o the night ended a little sour.

    Then this morning. I call Robert, to talk to him because I haven't talked to him in a while. As soon as Robert and i start talking, Ryan calls. I quickly flash over, and realize that i want to put my headset on because i was on the computer and typing while talking on the phone is a bit difficult for me. SO he thought i hung up on him. than my Abuela calls. I cant blow her off to call him back and tell him i didnt hang up on him. so i talk to her. When i call Ryans house back, ryan had already left for work. Great. So not only is he mad, but i cant talk to him for another 4 hours.

    Hold up, i called him a few min ago at work to find out what the hell is going on. So i suppose things are 30% better.

    Im already tired, i know it's 3 pm and who in their right mind, on the 4th of july, is going to take a nap the whole day.

    Well got to go chill with the rents.
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