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A lifeless reality

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[16 Apr 2004|10:11am]
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So much to say, so little time... [13 Nov 2003|10:39am]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | People Are Strange {The Doors} ]

I'm packing, only I'm not moving across town. So much has happend since I left you last. Oh my, so much!! I've put in to transfer to UCLA, yes, where Evan attends. I don't know where to begin.... ack... the doorbell is ringing...

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happ happy joy joy.. [02 Nov 2003|03:32pm]
Happy Birthday to me!!!! Today is my 21st birthday.. woot woot!! lol

More of an update later, Evan and I are just on our way out. ;)
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I pick up the phone, but there's no dial tone on your side... [29 Oct 2003|01:29pm]
Eep! So Aries (my sister) called me before I left for class this morning and told me that she needed my help moving some of the boys stuff around after I got out of class and then she made me agree to get there as fast as I possibly could. Something about wanting it to be a surprise when they got home from visiting their grandmother, her monther-in-law. Needless to say I rushed over to her house, but when I get there she doesn't answer the door. Ack! I sat on the steps for a while and finally I see her car coming up the drive...

"I didn't know you'd get here that fast! I thought I'd get here before you."

What do people honestly expect you to do when they tell you to hurry up and get there??

So we go inside. She sits something down on the table then spins around and looks at me. "I lied. I don't want you to help me move anything." Then she hands me.... a sonogram!! We talked for a while after that. Turns out she's 8 weeks along and wanted me to be the first in the family to know. Kinda makes a person feel special.

Yeah, so I get home and this feeling of total "aloness" washes over me. Out of all my siblings, I'm the only one alone. Leo has his daughter, Aries had two sons and now another baby on the way and Norma is pregnant with twins. Oh, don't get me wrong, I don't want children right now, but as a female it has a way of getting to you, people close to you being pregnant that is.

I found myself thinking about the difference between what my parents marriage had been and what my sister and brother-in-law have. How will I end up? Will I ever be ready for marriage and if I am one day ready, how will it turn out? There's risks in everything we do, even getting out of the bed in the mornings... and so with these thoughts in my head I pick up the phone and, yes, I called Evan.

We talked for about an hour, well, okay I talked he listened and then when I was done instead of him expressing his views and being aggravated with me like I thought he would be he said, "I'm on my way."

Now I'm sitting here. Waiting. Wondering how things are going to go. Worrying.

And so I'll leave you all with this thought that's been running through my mind off and on all day,

"If I wasn't me and was someone else, would I like myself?"
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And you thought you had pollution problems... [28 Oct 2003|02:33pm]
These are two snapshots of Long Beach

The ABC Camera

The NBC Camera

As you can see we're getting some smoke from the fires of So Cal...

And still they rage...
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Packing up and letting go... [27 Oct 2003|06:19pm]
And so it begins..

I keep getting dirty looks from both of my cats. They seem to be letting me know how much they despise the idea of uprooting... they'll get over it, but will I?

God, from the way I'm talking I'm moving really far away or something which isn't the case at all. My cousin Em and I have decided to become roomates. We're in the process of trying to find either a loft or a condo, so wish us luck. I'm partly bummed because in a way I feel like I'm letting go of most of my freedom by having someone else living with me. I've lived on my own for so long now I'm not going to know what to do.

Ack. It should work out good tho. I'll have Em to party with. :) Plus since we'll be splitting the rent, or should I say our parents will be splitting the rent since both sets are paying the cost as long as we're in school, we'll be able to get a nicer place in a much nicer neighborhood. ;) Yay for cousins.

I almost called Evan earlier, but stopped myself. Would I look like too much of a hypocrite if I called him and said that I didn't really mean what I said and that this break thing is killing me?
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Soul Searching... [27 Oct 2003|11:40am]
Many things have happend lately, so I took some time to sort out certain aspects of my life.

My boyfriend and I are taking a break. My choice not his. I just have way too much going on right now to have to worry about keeping a realationship going it's especially hard with him being in L.A. and I here in Long Beach. Oh, I know, it couldn't have been much worse, but we'll just cough it up to bad timing. I miss him. I truly honestly miss him, but after all this was my choice. It might turn out to be the wrst decision I've ever made. I keep gaxing at the phone wondering if I should call him, but what if he's decided to move on. Maybe he took the "break" thing the wrong way. I didn't realize that it would be this hard.

My sister came down and stayed with me for a few weeks. She and the babies are doing well, no she hasn't had them yet... although she has went into "false" labor twice... it's too soon to have them right now, so the doctors are telling her that she needs to go on bed rest. Poor thing.

My parents are at it again. It seems that since they live so far away that wouldn't happen, right? Well it does. Always because my mother is practically insane and thinks she still has a say in his life.

I lost the password to my old journal, hence the new one.

I need more friends for my list... I'll get around to adding everyone from my old list later along with new people.
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