09:05am 03/07/2007
  you know, even if i don't go back to school... it'll be ok.

i haven't heard back from financial aid. i keep meaning to call them... but i just don't want to. The deans of the schools decide on thursday whether or not I go back. I don't think it matters too much. I've already got my deposit and my last month's rent check written. I plan to send it soon. even if they decide they don't want me back.

that's my plan. I'll study on my own and use up cornell's resources. of course then i won't have health insurance. but that's ok. i've got sam. :-o

I'm going camping wednesday with him! and then hopefully first friday!

i so want to plan a trip this winter with him..... but he works. so bleh. i want to go to a foreign country. maybe backpack through europe. :-D


oooh and i took this test.
  
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Sam   
08:29am 03/07/2007
  ahhh I love sam. He makes me all warm and fuzzy. and he makes me laugh so much. his gorgeous brown eyes pierce right through me and i love the way he kisses my body and touches my skin. and he says all the right things at the right times and makes me feel so beautiful. there is no doubt in my mind even of his affection for me, and because of that i have no doubt of my affection for him. I could see myself having his kids quite honestly, and that's scary because it seemed that I did not like to commit before. there is this passion about him and his cute smile that just melts me away.

sigh.... i miss him a bit.
and i love it when we are cuddling right next up to each other, arms and legs entwined, and then i bury my head into his and smell his scent on his neck. ah he even smells so good.

i could be with him for a long time. even forever.		  
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04:53pm 06/03/2006
  i don't really trust myself.


i keep thinking that i'm just being a hypochondriac or am a little down in the dumps... but i really do think there is something wrong with me.

social anxiety....?
depression....?
bullshit.....?		  
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02:02pm 22/01/2006
  i don't know why I live.


how can i do anything without a purpose?		  
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07:55pm 04/12/2005
  If i could give up everything and just be with him, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

(a tad melodramatic; i know.)



as for the future? I guess I'll just take it one step at a time.


all i can ask for is: no regrets.		  
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11:15am 24/06/2005
  list of things i'm afraid of:

other people
strangers
college
taking initiative
public speaking
failing
not meeting the standard
rejection
calling people.		  
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09:20pm 03/06/2005
  I'm free!!! I finally did it! it feels awesome!!!!!



hooray for being single!		  
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07:23am 10/05/2005
  i'm "sick"

as in i have a bunch of crap to do. and i need the day off to do it....


annotations!!! bleh		  
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10:37pm 24/04/2005
  countdown...
APLit: 7 days :(
APUS: 11 days :-( hahahahha.........i'm sooo screwed.
APEcon: 17 days :-( cram.cram.cram.cram.
End of School(i think): 36 days :-D!!!!!
SAT: 39 days :-(
ACT: 46 days :-(


stuff i have to do over the summer:
assorted college crap
work - (and apparantly finding a new job because my dad says working at the restraunt isn't good enough experience)
online psych class
art history class.
mission trip?

stuff i want to do over the summer:
be a bum
sleep.
not have to think about college

and playing monopoly ;-).... hehehe. thats right.		  
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11:02pm 17/04/2005
  my parents told me they were disappointed in me and for the first time i actually didn't care.



that scares me a little.

hmm prom was amazing. adam. :). hehehe. okay i have so much to do. just this essay. i'm staying up all night to perfect it. or at least make it average.




hmmmmmmm. i'm so distracted.		  
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too much crap   
08:13pm 10/04/2005
  i have overloaded myself with crap to do yet i never do it. or i do it at an ridiculous hour of the night. my sleep cycle has fluctuated so much this past week... hmm i wonder why?

anyway, i have about 10 chapters of notes to take for history, all of my art annotations, most likely an essay due sometime, and my veterans paper. okay i promise i'm going to do the veterans paper tomorrow and get somebody to edit it.... like Mrs. Watts.

adfajsdf;jsdkfjsdkf;jaskfjk;sdf. oh man.		  
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dilemma   
09:07pm 09/04/2005
 
mood: cynical
Okay I've totally forgotten about blurty. but I guess it's helpful now because I'm so full of dilemmas lately.

so I know all 20 year old males want is sex. i know that I should NOT be dating a 19 year old. i know that there is something wrong when he is interested in a 16 year old. so why am i still sneaking behind my parents and making out with him? I should know better.

but he's taking me to prom. so i guess it balances it out. i still feel awful about not telling my parents... but they are so set in their ways they forget that I am a human with hormones and urges. and if they don't allow me to vent it in a safe way aka dating i'm going to do something really stupid that my hormones will just take over aka go behind their back to date a 19 year old.

i feel awful because i'm supposedly this really good- church going girl. but i guess my views get twisted. I'm cursed now, and i'm going to hell. karma already has given me two infections, and massive amounts of breaking out........ a week before prom...garaweasdfadsf/

i have serious issues. he keeps saying he loves me. which is scary because i know i don't love him back. it's just somesort of symbiotic relationship. I'm just here for the experience. and so that i can say i dated a 19 year old.


i have a feeling I'm going to regret this later in life.

but as of now.... i'm just going to keep being a hypocrit.		  
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09:39am 26/11/2004
  the future freaks me out.

and why can't people just be the way they seem to be. everything would be so much easier		  
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strange people   
06:45pm 20/11/2004
 
mood: weird
I've always been nervous about going to people's homes. like it's weird. Especially somebody that I don't really know very well. I think I'll show up fashionalbly late... because i'm so afraid of that awkward silence.

..

...
...


,,


........


.uh....


that's what it's like. something about just makes me wish i never go.



but then i usually have a blast. or not.











you know what's weird. i've always wanted to be social and have fun. but today. or at least just this weekend i wish i could be anti-social and not see any of my friends. not that i don't like them... it's just i want to separate myself from them.

and i want to do it so that there is no consequence. so that next week they will just pick up the phone and call me.


cuz lately i've just wanted to have a minute or a day of myself ness. and i thought they forgot me.



i don't know where i'm going with this. it's to fill up time i suppose. that's such an interesting phrase though. time is fleeting. and it goes so quickly, and here i am trying to fill it up. oh i see how ironic it is that i hate how time goes so quickly yet i don't try and make do with the best that i have.

or maybe its my own subconcious way of saying, if i slow down and fill up time, time will appear slower. it's all an illusion. and it's all relative. damn einstein.

if time and space were not related i would be so much happier.		  
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03:54pm 20/11/2004
  is it bad when you'd rather spend a saturday night submersed in history homework than with your friends?





maybe i wasn't meant to have friends. *oh well.		  
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another four years... :(   
04:47pm 03/11/2004
 
mood: disappointed
damn.

pardon my french. how could so many people vote for that idiot. do people not realize that the president is the figurehead of the whole country, and what other countries percieve our nation. i can't stand the people who think foreign affairs does not matter.

we CANNOT surivive without the other nations.

America does not need a cowboy, head first president.

he has made the world view America as a joke. and bush is the punchline. with his lovely bushisms.

all this bushit.

hehe. oh well. i guess that's just the liberal side of me coming up now. (i wonder if hilary is gonna run in 08?)		  
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hypocrit   
04:57pm 02/11/2004
  I can't stand a certain someone. she makes me so mad. like she's fun most of the time but thinks so little about others that it drives me nuts.

in other news, the elections were today. i proudly wore my 'stop mad cowboy disease' button. i'm excited i hope we pick a good president this time. ;-)		  
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08:07pm 30/10/2004
 
mood: blah
today i saw kids holding up signs that said vote for nader. it made me laugh so much. I must give a hand to those kids. now i'm readdicting myself to the internet. after so many months of not constantly checking email and making cool designs and stuff, i have finally started again. i'm still deciding whether i should keep this blurty and go to xanga (new one of course).... the only thing is, there are just so many people who read xanga. and even though a little part of me wants them to find it, i really want some level of privacy and truth. unlike the crap taht people have to go through in making sure everything is public friendlly in xanga.

that's beside the point. i went to band today. it was neat not having to perform for points and just going there performing and coming back! last competetion! now what am i gonna do on my saturday nights...

right friends. hmmm lets see i think sam hates me, or doesn't want to associate with me, it's become wave hi and don't really talk. ok whatever you were too good for you old friends and hung out with me, now you're too good for me.... and finding new friends. i guess i should have seen this coming. oh well. everyone else is in pairs. others probably think i'm annoying. and i get this feeling that i'm being used as a last resort. hmm. writing would be good. on to the paper journal. if i can get off my lazy bum and well go and get my journal.

i said bum. hehehe.		  
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God damnit   
12:31pm 30/10/2004
  sorry God. I used your name in vain. i'm so tired of existing this purposeless life. homework makes me mad. like i know i should be doing it. but somehow i can't. or it won't let me. or i won't let myself. pshaw i'd rathe write about this in a regular diary.  
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español   
10:33am 27/10/2004
  spanish spanish spanish... this class is so boring. but the teacher is funny. dare to dazzle.  
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reservedparking
 
 
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