||MATES OF STATE biiiiiotch
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | 36 crazy fists- enemy throttle ]
thisll be a long entry, so be forwarned, youngns.
today i was thinking back on all the years in middleschool. 6th grade was so akward. i clung to my friend melissa, and was so scared to branch out to new friends. i had always been shy at first, and going into thenew school was scary. melissa was the person who got all the attention, so i wasnt really sure how we were best friends, because the guys im friends with now, are the ones that hated me then. i spent my whole 6th grade year wanting to fit in with the "popular" people, and be "cool." i remember we were sitting at lunch and an 8th grader came in and asked us if we were the "cool kids" in our grade. i felt so unbelievably cool. what the fuck? i pushed away so many old friends i had, and didnt even realize who half the people i was friends with really were. my 6th grade year was a waste.
7th grade came and i was in the little "cool group" w/o really being IN IT.. i was friends with those ppl but still didnt totally feel like i fit in. i mean, i didnt understand how they could just sit there and stab eachother in the back and steal eachothers guys and stuff. it was such immature little things, but it really hurt me back then. im overly empathetic when i see people get hurt. i made a couple of good friends that year. but i had started acting more myself, and when this happend, i noticed i was growing farther from the friends i wanted to be with so badly at the beginning of middleschool. it was sort of a mindless wanting, i wasnt sure why i wanted it , but i did. one thing happend w/ my best friend. i was at a sleepover for someeones birthday, the usual "group" and they started talking about a girl who was becoming "popular." they wanted to plan to stab her in the back. get her a guy and make him embaress him. i dont even remeber it clearly, but me and my friend just were totally awestruck listening to them. how could people be so mean? why did people want to be in this group that was so "cool"?
8th grade was so differnt. i actually acted like myself and hung out with differnt people, and made friends more like me. and i got such shit for it. my friends, i wont name, would put me down SO MUCH. i dont think ive cried so much in my life. i really never wanted to hurt anyone, but they wanted to make me feel badby hanging out with people that wernt "cool enough" to be invited to their parties, be included in their backstabbing, slurs made to the new girl, who ended up being one of mybest friends. its like once i finally started to be myself, they didnt like it. i didnt want to lose those friends, but i didnt want to be stuck with those people who were nothing like me. one person would always be like mary youre such ab itch why do you hang out with those gothic assholes , you want to be a little punk? ive never heard such bs in my life. my friends wernt and arnt gothic, and if they were, who were they to judge me and them without knowng them? and i want STRIVING to be "punk" i wear what i want and still do, and i dont really think its a label. but whatever. finally i flipped out and told them to stop giving me shit because i REALLY couldnt take it, and they stopped. i know they still talked about me. but whatever, thats the way they were. i patched up old friendships with people, and was so much happier.
so now its highschool. and they still havnt changed. going out to dinner was lik ebeing ni middleschool all over again. i wasnt ignored but i wasnt totally included. they got in a little fight as usual over someones boyfriend or something, which of course made everyone uncomforatble. dinner of course consisted of the usual backstabbing. its just so weird. youd think they would have something to tal about other then people. i mean YA we;re teenagers, i dont think ppl arnt going to talk about other ppl behiind their back, but to base 80% of conversation on it? and its so sad they think theyre lives are so horrible.. and im not even joking.. the reason why was becase their mom wouldnt buy Tthem a new shirt frmoo abercrombie, another one a new perfume... they actually said "my life fucking sucks i ahte my mom she wont fucking buy _____" do they realize that people deal with so much other shit. it would totally make me awestruck if they actually showed compassion for someone else. which i know they CAN. ive seeen them do it. but whats holding them back is that false thought that popularity is so important. i wish they could be more realistic in the fact of thigns going on around them, because some of them are such AMAZING people, but just dont show it. people think theyre cool because of the way they presnt themselves. theyre so insecure. its just weird because i look at myself EVERY DAY and question why i have friends. i dont dress exactly like anyone else, act like them, think like them, and i know that SHOULDNT make a friend, but it is. and i just dont no why i have friends. if you look at me with one of my friends, its just weird. they TELL me im so differnt, and just say im their friend because im a nice person. which cant be true. theyre are SO MANY nice people i know that my friends wouldnt give the time of day too.
i dont even know why i wrote this entry.
ive just been thinking so much lately i needed to get it all out.
i really think no one has any idea what the fuck im talking about.
there ya go darling.