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[24 Nov 2009|12:03am] |
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not cohesive enough.
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| Unfair Name Calling; You're Making People Uncomfortable; Guilty |
[16 Nov 2009|06:32pm] |
What's the opposite of a shit-disturber? Perhaps a shit peace-keeper? So instead of throwing pieces of shit everywhere and it getting it it all over the place, people prefer to keep shit in one place where it's precious, intact and protected.
That sounded political, didn't it? I didn't mean for it to come off that way. I'm not talking about revolutionaries or anyone like that, I'm just talking about regular people. Actually, I'm talking about myself and whenever I say anything honest or semi-meaningful -- "meaningful?" I don't like the sounds of that -- it sounds so pretentious, but what else could i mean? Anyway, I don't actually say much meaningful stuff unless someone else prompts the conversation. However, when I do say something I think is of worth, it seems most people give me that evasive attitude. What is that? Honestly? Do they not really understand the things I say? ...maybe... I'm not really sure. Are those topics simply too taboo? Of course they are.
Let's face it, from what I've learned, nobody likes to talk about anything that actually matters. That's why I don't start those types of conversations for fear of their reaction. Well, sometimes I start those conversations after I've known someone for a while and I think it's safe to talk about anything, but I'm usually wrong anyway, about maybe over 80% of the time. What am I writing about? I feel so pretentious right now. See? See? That's what polite socializing has done to me. Do I have to pretend to be superficial all the time? No one asked me to pretend to to be so interested in their house cleaning and work schedules, but I do it automatically anyway because if I don't all my communication will be "shut-up", and I'll be alone and one of those people I secretly admire in group settings who hardly say a thing. But I don't like being one of those people. I've been there and still go there, and I got to say, it's even more uncomfortable than feigning interest.
Sometimes I wonder if the people I talk to are feigning interest back. I used to think so but now I'm not so sure. It's the most disturbing when I'm feigning interest in myself when I talk and I think at the same time, "Man, are they still listening to this boring shit I'm saying?" and when they say, "Yes," back in their own way I feel guilty for not taking a more genuine interest in my relating to them.
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| class of 2001 |
[12 Nov 2009|03:07pm] |
"'I derived a certain sardonic satisfaction out of becoming even less than I had thought I was or they had thought me to be...'"
- Peter, a patient in the "Divided Self"
I'm reading the Divided Self at the moment and there's one case in the book about a man named Peter. Peter, who was in his mid-20's, grew up in poor neighbourhood. He was a model student in the eyes of his parents and teachers and they expected big things out of him. When he finished secondary school he obtained an office job, which was a big deal to his parents considering their poor background, but Peter just wasn't into it. He left his job and came to the conclusion that trying to be successful was nothing but a futile front and he was nothing but a futile front.
So, I'm from the "hood", I guess you can say, and in high school, I was one of those students who always got the top 3 grades on tests or term marks. I remember a handful of other students who, for the lack of a better term, were in the same rank as me. Most of them, I remember, were a little off into their own world and gave off an air of independence but they seemed unsatisfied or something to that affect. And then there was the group of students who got slightly lower marks than us but were still considered excellent pupils. They seemed a lot more "normal" in their behavior and appearance and usually conformed more with the ideal of a good pupil ex. good attendance, school clubs, agreeable. They were also usually from more middle-class backgrounds. As far as I know, most of the agreeable pupils ended up finishing post-secondary and getting decent jobs. And as for me and the other kids... a couple of them turned into burnt out druggies and another one dropped out toward the end of high school and I spent the last half of a decade doing nothing much. Maybe we all had a "Peter" moment.
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| The best thing I've read in a long time |
[28 Oct 2009|01:38pm] |
Fuck Embarrassment!
It's not like I go around saying I'm punk anymore, but when you grow up with a bunch of punks, you live under an unspoken code of conduct and rules that seem to stick on your ribs like the fattiest of foods. And even after you've digested a whole bunch of bullshit, that punk fat is still there except its evolved past your ribcage and has traveled into your DNA.
Of course it's all kind of a joke now but I know one true punk can sniff out another, like a junkie on the street. We're still around and just because some of us have traded our safety pins in for Brooks Brothers, it doesn't mean we can't find each other. In turn, just because someone trades their Brooks Brothers in for safety pins, we can sniff out poseurs too. Especially when the safety pins are made by Balenciaga (Brooks Brothers would have sounded better in that sentence, but I doubt that company makes safety pins).
Without going into further explanation (punks don't feel the need to explain) I will say that "being embarrassed" is NOT PUNK.
Embarrassment is for the weak. Embarrassment is clearly stating "I care about what you think of me, even if you're a total stranger."
I won't lie and say I don't care what other people think of me, of course I do. If I didn't, I'd wear Juicy sweatsuits everyday because they're mad comfy. Fuck it I'd wear sweatpants. I don't because I care what people think. Mostly my friends, people who might offer me a job, and not to mention I like to feel good about myself--which happens to be punk.
Does that mean I won't start doing a dance routine in front of a crowded restaurant because I feel like it? No. And if it embarrasses you then go find tickets to a Taylor Swift concert and get off my fucking stage (punks say "fuck" whenever they want).
Sometimes we get loud and obnoxious. Sometimes we get "inappropriate." So? That's how we live. Maybe you're reading this right now and realizing that you are in fact punk and you didn't even know (not very punk but we'll let it slide).
Another punk thing to do is contradict yourself and feel ashamed and dumb and embarrassed and say dumb things but tell the world anyway because bottling shit up and pretending it never happened in such an ugly way isn't for punks at all. It's for boring people who hate things that are ugly and off-putting and weird and not always easy to understand. Or stupid. Or smart. Or sloppy. Or apologetic.
- Leslie Arfin
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| vidal halo cut |
[23 Oct 2009|12:32pm] |
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i got my haircut at the vidal school yesterday. it's one of those bowl cuts. now i look like one of those weird asian hipster that spend too much money. the instructor said she never taught a "halo" cut before and the student cutting my hair didn't seem to have much experience with it either. Then the student told me that it's one of the most difficult haircuts in hairdressing. Yikes! And I can see why she said that cuz the result was amaturish, I got to say. It looks good from some angles but not the front angle :\ I should get it fixed up. The lesson here folks is: do not get fashion bowl-cuts at a hair school. It might work if your student is punk or a hipster but chances are they will be either a gina or an "alternative" person from a small town that thinks wearing leg warmers on your arms and razor cuts are really cool.
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| wow, I can't believe i just spent all that time answering this crap |
[21 Oct 2009|05:59pm] |
The Basics
What do you drink every single day?: tap water
Do you use an alarm clock or your cell phone to wake up?: phone
What time do you wake up?: lately, it's been 10:30 a.m.
Do you brush your teeth or shower first?: shower
What kind of socks do you wear?: $1 ones
My Favorites
Fast Food?: buger king, it's true he's the king
Chinese restaurant?: don't have one yet
Gas Station?: seriously?
Place to download music?: soulseek
Youtube video?: True Norwegian Black Metal by VSBtv
This or That
Boots or Shoes?: boots, though usually I wear sneakers for walking long distances
Uniform or whatever clothes you pick out?: What? Not uniform
Regular or Decaf?: regular, black
School or Work?: school
Pumpkin Spice or Apple Cinnamon?: I can't decide, they're both delicious
Do You?
own a ride on lawnmower?: no
live in an apartment?: yes
ride a bicycle?: no
ever tell your kids about how it was when you were little?: other people's kid's, yes
own a Wii, Playstation or Xbox?: no
Have You Ever
had a panic attack?: yes
had a garden?: no, sort of...
been told you can sing well and should try out for American Idol?: no
been mugged or robbed?: yes, in grade 1 this girl named "Love" stole my sparkly pink jump rope
had a pet and given them a human type name?: no
Misc.
If you got in your car and drove north, what state would you eventually run into first?: Quebec
Have you ever seen the White House in person?: no
Do you watch the news every night before bed?: pretty much because I want to watch tv at night and nothing much is ever on
How would you describe your day so far today?: ok. productive for sure... except for this part. I bought a pair of red cowboy boots for $4.
Have you ever been on a cruise?: no, almost but i thought it was stupid last minute
Personal
Would you prefer a year without sex or a year without chocolate?: i gotta stick with chocolate
Do you tell your doctor everything?: I never go, really
Have you ever had an addiction to something?: every new interest, also booze, sleeping pills, and etsy
Have you ever had counseling?: career counseling
What is something that you think is too private to talk about even to a close friend?: If i can't tell it to a close friend do you think i'm gonna tell you? I've learned that no one likes to hear about my deepest personal issues anyway.
Firsts
time you went on vacation?: it was probably to niagara falls when i was little.
airline you flew on?: air canada
kind of car you owned?: the ttc
time you had a professional photograph taken of yourself?: these questions are getting stupid
time you had to have a pet put to sleep?: don't have pets
As of Now
Did you had breakfast today?: turkey on wheat crackers with a side of yogurt
How many cups of coffee have you drank?: 2 cups of tea
What time did you brush your teeth today?: 8:55 a.m or so
What is the exact time right now?: 5:52 pm
Are you wearing tennis shoes or dress shoes?: i'm barefooted
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[21 Oct 2009|05:25pm] |
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My room smells like the leather section of a thrift store.
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[11 Oct 2009|12:15pm] |
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sometimes it feels like i can't do a damn thing.
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| job interview at goodwill |
[06 Oct 2009|01:46pm] |
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i think my ears smell like pee
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[01 Oct 2009|02:43pm] |
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holy crapola! It's october!
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[29 Sep 2009|06:43pm] |
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you know, volunteering at the sally ann is absolutely nothing like shopping at the sally ann. you don't even get a discount!
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| reading is... |
[28 Sep 2009|10:34pm] |
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I'm going through a stage where I'm trying to lose myself by trying to find myself by reading writings and trying so hard to relate to them that I'm simultaneously finding myself and ridding myself of me at once.
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| Love and Despair |
[28 Sep 2009|09:40pm] |
A young girl is in despair over love, and so she despairs over her lover, because he died, or because he was unfaithful to her. This is not a declared despair; no, she is in despair over herself. This self of hers, which, if it had become "his" beloved, she would have been rid of in the most blissful way, or would have lost, this self is now a torment to her when it has to be a self without "him"; this self which would have been to her her riches (though in another sense equally in despair) has now become to her a loathsome void, since "he" is dead, or it has become to her an abhorrence, since it reminds her of the fact that she was betrayed. Try it now, say to such a girl, "Thou art consuming thyself," and thou shalt hear her reply, "Oh, no, the torment is precisely this, that I cannot do it."
- Soren Kierkegaard
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[24 Sep 2009|12:20pm] |
chin up, i'm going to face the world.
wish me luck
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[22 Sep 2009|03:08pm] |
- was calling around for jobs and volunteer gigs at the sally ann
- my head is so fuzzy right now.
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| emos |
[21 Sep 2009|06:09pm] |
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it feels like I haven't had much communication with my friends for weeks now, and that feels empty.
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| I want carrot cake NOW |
[18 Sep 2009|02:41pm] |
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Ever since that day Christina treated me to birthday cupcakes, I haven't been able to stop thinking about that tiny carrot cupcake. It was sssssoooooooo GOOOOOOD. OMG it was good. I am absolutely dying for carrot cake.
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| gimme some meat |
[14 Sep 2009|12:32pm] |
i think... i'm pretty sure i'm starting to feel the affects of weight loss on my intelligence and motor skills.
how many lbs. is 2.5 inches off my waist in 3 weeks? I don't know. There probably wouldn't be a formula for that... bleh bleh bleh... but I do feel really slooooow right now. and i'm only doing it for the store, i swear, i'm not one of those people obsessed with being skinny... cuz healthy figures are so passé... just kiding... really... really... caring is lame. i'm gonna go check on breakfast now.
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[12 Sep 2009|01:59am] |
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is it weird that I'm afraid to open emails of people sending me birthday well-wishes? i'm actually afraid of my birthday. There's lots of pressure.
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| crazy ass seasons are positive in hindsight |
[11 Sep 2009|01:05pm] |
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mood |
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kind of chilly |
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music |
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Billy Brag w/ Corey Harris - Aginst th' Law |
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Fall is coming. Every time the weather changes I feel nostalgic for the previous year. Last fall/winter was great, despite the psychotic episode. All I did was drink, read, write and play music. I totally just did what I wanted to do. I don't think I'll be able to do that this year because of my dad's situation. Did I mention I accidently found out at the hospital that he's bipolar? That makes a lot of sense. I always knew he had some sort of serious mental illness. And it's probably genetic too, I mean, just look at me!
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