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Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in
one pill, two pill, red pill, blue pill's Blurty:
| Friday, January 2nd, 2004 | |
| 10:37 pm | wow huh, it's been a month since i updated??? wow. hmm. i really need a friend. i've been thinking and i don't think there are too many people who actually like me. there's ash, but we might just be friends because we both have the same problems and like to talk about it. there's jill, but how much does she really like me? rachel and amanda just pretend i think. larry is just holding back from the fact that he can't stand me. there's ryan but i never really get to talk to him. and there's alison...but she doesn't want to talk to me for some reason. not like she could be blamed. i just miss talking to her though. she was the closest thing i've had to a friend i think. i miss her. so much. i wish she would call. i just need a friend i guess to get me out of this slump. it's pathetic. i hate break. at least i'm back to 134 instead of 148 or whatever i used to be. cause that just made me want to kill myself more. purged twice today. almost got caught by dad. i know he knows. he knows he knows. we just pretend. it's all a game of pretending. well at least i have miso. Current Mood:  lonelyCurrent Music: smile empty soul- nowhere kids |
| Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003 | |
| 6:44 am | and i find it kind of funny and i find it kind of sad that the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had. yay. i'm gay. and now i'm turning into a deranged version of dr.seuss. my parents are right. i'm going to amount to nothing. |
| Friday, November 28th, 2003 | |
| 7:05 am | turkey day update hi all. well...how bout that turkey day? mine was..interesting. you see, my mom decided that it would be fun if she got to make a turkey for once. however, if you've ever been to my house you'll notice that i have 2 ovens, a big one and a small one. the big one doesn't work, so mom got a turkey that would fit in the small oven. my dad tried to fix the big one for her, but ended up messing up the small one so that it never stops getting hotter. mom was pretty pissed. i thought my dad was gonna cry. my mom like blew up at him. my mom refroze the turkey, so there it sits in our freezer. so i hid under the covers on the couch during mom's blow-up time. then i went to my room, layed down, and realized that i didn't take my contacts out. i got up to take them out, and ran into my mom who was still really pissed. she made me follow her into the kitchen to point out the mess that she feels i should have cleaned up in the one hour of free time that i had that day. then she starts yelling at me and i feel pretty bad and i try to go back to my room but she made me watch a movie with my little sister. then i went to bed. woke up the next morning and layed around eating tangerines until it was time to go to grandma and grandpa's for our traditional family thanksgiving. we got in the car and drove about three miles and got pulled over by a policeman for having tags that have been expired for more than 2 months. so that took forever and we were late for thanksgiving dinner and for some reason during the evening i opened my grandparents' pantry and one of my little cousins was just ...sitting there. so i pretended like i didn't see him and went on my merry way. oh yeah. and my psychaitrist is a terrorist i thought you might like to know. he supports suicide bombers. to dr.rahmen: hail hitler. so yeah, my mom got mad when i was in a political debate with him because she thought that he would get pissed and screw with my meds and kill me somehow but i obviously didn't care and i doubt he would do that because he knows that if he were to kill me he'd just be giving into my wishes. which would have no purpose. it was manda's birthday on the 26th so her, rachel, jill, and i went to marions and had fun. i saw something while i was shopping for amanda's bday that i wanted to get for alison but i didn't have enough money. at this store in the mall they had alice in wonderland little stuffed animals 3 for $10 but all i had was 10, and i had to get amanda some stuff. too bad :( speaking of alison, she is in partial again. i guess it's good that she want's to get better. i have been wondering lately if i should go back myself because i'm feeling really bad and stuff. hey hey hooray my psychaitrist terrorist guy said that if i come back next month he'll try to talk my mom into letting me have prescription diet pills. that would rock. and it would actually be healthier for me because then i wouldn't puke as much if i had them. so i'll try and nudge my mom. i talked to my aunt and cousin online that i haven't seen for years because of a family feud. that was kinda nice but my parents and my aunt and uncle still hate eachother. oh well. such is life. i hate it all. well i guess it's time for hannah to go download stuff off of the internet. woo hoo |
| Monday, November 10th, 2003 | |
| 9:02 pm | patheticness hey peeps. if you haven't already heard, my boyfriend dumped me for one of my best friends. oh well. life goes on. didn't like him that much anyway. he was no alison. i miss her so much. i wish she would take me back but it's cool that we're still friends. hopefully she'll call me so that we can do much stuff together. probably not go the mall though since that mb-16 gay ass rule went into effect. it no problem for her, but i'm only 15 and like 3/4 *weep weep* i miss my maaaaaaaaallll!!! my brain is a muffin. there was no purpose for saying that. anywho, yes, i miss alison. she's my buddy :) wah, nose is all clogged, sometimes runny and it sucks. oh yeah and i think i have ulcers because i have almost all the symptoms and i was bleeding out the ass the other week. so that isn't good. not going to tell mom, medical bills aren't cool. or affordable. i like this new foo fighters song called darling nikki. it's a cover of an old prince song and it's just spiffy. rachel made me a doctor seuss tree today out of paper. mad cool. kept me entertained during math class. carolina, you are my cool bitch and miso is my pimp. the laramie project is coming to the dayton playhouse march 12-28th and i really wanna go see and i hoping that alison and maybe lance or something will accompany me cause it's a cool movie and i want to see the play but of course my rents won't take me because it's about gays and lesbians and so i need to go with someone else. tix are only $14. not bad. i just need to remind myself. i think i might be straight lesbian. i'm not really all that attracted to guys at all. sorry men! you'll have to find some other ugly chick to use for money! (like i have money anyway). am i updating my blurty just to avoid reading "a separate peace" for english class? maybe, maybe. hayley drew a dog on my window with crayola window markers. it's neato. i'm sad because i'm still really fat. but i'm gonna try to stop taking my depakote that makes me gain weight. cause then maybe i can get semi-slim at least. bah, i fasted all day today and GAINED weight. how is that fair? what's that? it ISN'T fair? i didn't think so. fuck depakote. i'd rather be crazy than on weight-gain-ish meds. fuck my psychaitrist. i'll bitch him out next time i see him. well, better wrap this up so carolina can read it. byes! Current Mood:  apatheticCurrent Music: foo fighters- darling nikki (in my head) |
| Monday, October 20th, 2003 | |
| 6:53 am | okay, i've had a request to update my journal. alison still either doesn't know that i know she wants to dump me or is ignoring me. it doesn't look like she's been online in a while, and i'm worried about her because for some reason i had a dream that she died and it scared me really bad. for those of you who don't know what happened, just look back at my last journal entry. feel my pain? i told our friend lisa today and she was astonished. she thought we would be together forever. i guess i did too. but as long as she's happy i can never be sad, even when she's not mine; her happiness is my prize. i REALLY hope she still wants to be friends. i can still love her as a friend, right? i miss hanging out with her and lance and liz and her friends matt and neil and everyone...sadly i think they're some of the closest friends i have. anyway, enough about alison for one day, i'm so totally freaked about this monologue that we have to deliver in front of the theatre class on thursday. i'm doing a piece out of "hook". i was going to do one out of "chasing amy", but mrs.ransbottom said that i had to change it since i didn't know what was going on in the movie because i'd never seen it before. it was a pretty long-ass mono too, so i'm kinda glad. i got invited to rachel's halloween party! i'm so excited because 1.we used to be best friends, then she hated me, now we're friends again and 2. my friend amanda will be there and i haven't seen her in forever and 3. all around GOOD TIMES! bah, i have the PSAT tomorrow. i think i'll do fine though because i'm usually pretty good with standardized tests. it's the homework i'm not the best with. well, i think i'll get off of here and see if alison will at least talk to me on the phone. NO, i'm not obsessed...i want to make sure she didn't die and perhaps tell her that i know. wish me luck! Current Mood:  anxiousCurrent Music: eve 6- think twice |
| Sunday, October 12th, 2003 | |
| 12:21 pm | well i found out that alison really did want to break up with me. i could tell by the way she acted the last time i was over there and something that she said about not wanting to tell me something for fear that i would kill myself. plus, i've been calling and stuff and she hasn't been answering the phone, etc. i saw it coming, though. of course i'm crying and stuff but i guess i'll get over it. she must really love this guy she met and that's okay, as long as i don't have to lose her as a friend. and i'm not going to get myself put into that stupid hospital because of this because i told alison i wouldn't do that and i'm not one to go back on my promises. i'm just going to miss her though. she was really the first one i truely loved, but it's not like hearts aren't broken every day. not all highschool couples end in marriage. not every fairytale has a happy ending. i hope she knows that if she ever wants me back i'll take her in a second and if she ever needs anyone, i'll be here. i didn't think we'd survive the school year anyway, but it still depresses me. but like i said, i told her i wouldn't do anything. i wish that she could have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend, but she probably has better morals than that...but i'd be willing to do it just to be with her. but i guess if she doesn't love me anymore, there's nothing i can do about it, as much as i hate it. at first it felt like my heart was being cut out with an exacto knife like the ones that she and i got michaels, but now i'm just kind of getting to be numb about it. i'll be fine though |
| Monday, October 6th, 2003 | |
| 9:42 pm | supa dupa fly so what's up with me you ask? not much. i went to homecoming with larry. it was kinda interesting because they had this whole old movie theme so they had "it happened one night" playing with no sound and marilyn monroe cut-outs, but all you could hear was rap music from the gym. and that was ALL they played. ALL night long. i saw my english teacher there because she was chaperoning. she's soooo cute! but not as cute as alison. i feel like she wants to dump me but is afraid that i might kill myself if she does...but i don't want her to be unhappy. she's my baby whether we're going out or not, and it kills me if she isn't happy. she got her driver's liscense taken away by her mom and therapist and stuff, so that sucks that she can't escape home now so i'm worried about her. and i feel bad because i got my friend carolina grounded because i was stupid enough to call her at like 10:00 at night and she's not allowed to have people call past nine, i found out. i'm soooooo sorry about that carolina! i don't see how they can ground her when it's my fault though. lalala... terri is burning cd's for me. one is just a big mix of awesome songs, and the other is a pro-ana thinspirational mix. i really need to go on a diet again, and i just ruined my near-3-day fast by eating like 4 squares of pizza, but i hope not to eat anything else so my body can rid itself of all the toxins that food contains and give me that high feeling again...mrs.miller says that it's dizziness but we know better don't we? silly mrs.miller. anyway, i LOVE alison! Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: sublime- santaria |
| Saturday, September 27th, 2003 | |
| 7:34 am | Back hey everyone. i'm not usually allowed on my journals (thus the reason that none of them have been updated forever) but my parent's aren't home and i'm on my mac which they don't have access to. i finally got wireless roadrunner for it so i can get online in my bedroom. i tried to update earlier but it didn't work for some reason so i have to retype this whole thing. alison and i are still together, thank god. i don't know how i survived without her before. she is my life. she is my world. my love for her is indescribable. i'm worried about her though because she had cuts on her arms the last time that i saw her. but i guess we're even though, because she wants me to stop cutting and worrying about my weight. speaking of my weight, i'm at the highest i've ever been, and it's really depressing me. i puked today which is really nasty, but i had pizza and shit so i had to. i can't gain anymore, i'm already out of the getting-pants-that-fit league. i got my midterm today. kind of disappointing, but not as bad as last year. i just need to bring it up some so my 'rents don't make me switch schools. we're studying the holocaust in english. that's actually really something that interests me so i thought i'd mention it. i'm worried about miso. he's been really depressed lately and he almost cut himself the other night. i don't want him to get into all of that..i really want to help him. i just don't know how. i mean, how can i help others when i can't even help myself? i had a mental breakdown at the movie theater last night. my dad wouldn't let me bring my friend amanda that he hates and i haven't been allowed to see her forever, so i just started bawling about how i miss her and he said that he'll let me see her sometimes now!!!! i was so hyped. alison, if you're reading this, check your email, you might have some stuff from me. okay, well i have to go, so byes! i love you all Current Mood: apatheticCurrent Music: oasis- wonderwall |
| Friday, July 25th, 2003 | |
| 8:39 pm | Crazy night at Bogarts hey all! (a.k.a. carolina and alison). I had the most WONDERFUL night last night with alison! we went to a "rumble" (battle of the bands type-thing) at Bogarts in Cincinnatti, and I had the best time i've had with anyone for a long, long time. i was afraid to kiss her there b/c of her parents though. and i think that i'm a bad kisser. i hope i can maybe see her on sat. or monday! haha, i smoked at Bogarts (i LOVE ciggarettes, i can just never get them) and for some reason my throat and nostrils burn and feel smokey today. prolly b/c i think that i have ulcers in my throat from puking that might have been affected by the smoke or something. i really don't care though. her little bro's band was SOOOO excellent last night, but they only got 3rd out of 6! the judges gave them 6th, the crowd voted them 1st. but the best part was after we got back to her house....i've never felt so close to anyone before. it was like i wanted to cry on her shoulder and tell her everything. i think i'm really in love with her. i can truely say that i want to spend the rest of my life with her. i love you alison. Current Mood:  lovedCurrent Music: marylin manson- disposable teens |
| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003 | |
| 8:24 pm | happiness!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!! okay, i've been in love with this alison girl that i met in the psych ward for, like, ever. and i just read her blurty, and she feels the same way!!!!!!!! this feeling is INDESCRIBABLE. earlier today, dr.packard asked me to try to see what other people get out of life. you know, what makes it worth living for them....i think i've found it. if everyone has someone that they care as strongly about as i do for alison, nothing can bring them down. life has a meaning. dr.packard, i think my assignment is complete...the only thing is, what do i do about larry? i mean, i love him too-- he's my boyfriend AND my best friend. he's always been there for me. and i don't just want to blow him off. i'm confused. my brain hurts. but my heart doesn't hurt as much anymore :) Current Mood:  indescribableCurrent Music: Crimson and Clover |
| Wednesday, July 16th, 2003 | |
| 7:27 pm | first blurty entry hey people of blurty. i'm usually a deadjournal user, but my parents won't let me on it anymore and they don't know what blurty is, so i'm cool, right? so yeah. if you want to read all o'my old entries, go to www.deadjournal.com/users/thefairyraven. Current Mood:  lethargicCurrent Music: the deftones- change |