Raven's Journal

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Friday, August 1, 2008

9:33PM - Unlike the Past

Well it's friday night and I have to work tomorrow. I remember getting up in the past to rush to quality mart to see Josh... Now there is no reason to jump out of bed at 4:30am. Something has happened to me. I dont care what I look like anymore. Don't care what I dress in, Don't give a shit if my hair is fixed or make up is on. There just isn't much I care about anymore. I drove by the gas house a couple weeks ago and all of the cars that Josh owned were GONE! I saw nothing but the black company car. I assumed that Josh had gone and not told me good bye, but I talked to Amanda today and she said he was still working there this week.There are times that I just want to touch his face so bad that my hands start shaking and I can't stop them. Other times I have the why care attitude. The Joey guy didn't work out, it was my fault because I wouldn't let him do me in the ass. He would get me all worked up and then say I just wanna put it in your ass....... So needless to say we never had sex. What kinda shit is that? If he wants to screw someones ass why not just get a gay guy? So I gave up on men... Really!! If a man try's talking to me I just walk away. I don't even say Hi anymore. There is no such thing as love. There use to be and His name was Joshua David ..... There will never be another.

Current mood: annoyed

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Thursday, July 31, 2008

10:52AM - Changes

A lot has happened , too much to write down now. My mother has lost her mind. She slips a little more everyday. School is going to start back soon and the boys have had a sucky summer.Patrick bitches about everything and stays in a negative mood all the time. He goes thru money like its water , And I ..... I give up. I've been thinking about my dad a lot but sometimes it's hard to remember what he looked like. I can remember him sitting on the edge of his bed with pj bottoms on , no shirt holding a cigarette in one hand and struggling to breathe. I keep wondering what he would say to me if here were still alive and all I can think of is that he would be disappointed in me. I held everything and everyone together when he was alive so why can't I do it now? Chunk just got up and is down here wanting me to play hide and go seek with him so I guess now isn't a good time to write either. Maybe later tonight.

Current mood: blank

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Friday, July 4, 2008

Thursday, July 3, 2008

11:56PM - Here Again

It's been a while, Hummm where to start? Amanda talked to Josh and I heard him ask about me. I think I have always found it hard to understand his side of all this.He loves me, he loves me not....I watched I think I love my wife and I understand his side a little more now.He is a wonderful man. I think life just goes a little too fast for him him at times. He has a good heart. I know he loves his wife, and I think somewhere in his heart he cares about me just as much. I think sometimes life drops us hints, I met a guy named Joseph, it didnt work, Now I did like him. But I think It was because I wanted so much to move on from Josh and let him go with as little hurt on me as I could deal with. I met another guy. I walked into Sagebrush one night and there at the Bar sat this Dark haired man in a red shirt. He turned around Just as I walked in and I saw his lips say WOW. And he had such a sweet smile. I sat 2 chairs down from him and he kept looking at me so I looked over at him and said Hi. He smiled and asked if he could buy me a beer, so I said sure thank you. We talked for a while and He has such a sweet smile. We finished our beer and he offered to walk me to my car. We stood out in the parking lot and talked for a while and he kissed me. I didnt back away I leaned into him and kissed him back. He made me feel pretty, and smart, and everything That I havent felt about myself in a long time. He is such a great kisser. I have broke my NO kissing rule because I feel like when you hold back on that when you do kiss someone it gives you mixed feelings about that person. So I gave him my # and we have talked alot and text alot and He makes me smile. Oh the night we met I dropped my keys and my back was to him I bent over to pick them up and my ass fit snugly into him and he took his hands and put them on my hips and pulled me closer to him.... HE IS HUGE! So I raised back up slowly pressing into him until I was standing up, and he ran his hands up and down my side telling me that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. My god he takes my breath away. I would love for this to work. He is so far from Josh, and unlike anyone I have ever met in my life, and He thinks Im sweet and thoughtful and beautiful. I wanna keep him. I really hope I dont run from this. I havent truly been this happy in a while. I dont even msg Chris, or anyone I had been talking to. Please dont let this be a punishment. Please let this be real.

Current mood: grateful

Current music: Id die without you...PM Dawn

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Sunday, June 29, 2008

12:17PM - 360

I couldn't wait another week for my computer to be fixed so I did what I could with it and it's running good enough. I think I fixed it just in time too, I got on here just now and was going over my emails looking for a phone # to let A Friend know where I have been and what had happened. I read Karim's blog and found that he wrote that because My computer crashed I am DEAD to him. Wow That's nice. That's a total turn around from the emails and posts that he has made here. Not only did I read that I am dead but that I am damaged goods and pond scum. It's strange that a person who throws such a fit over someone not being able to talk to them in a couple days can call you crazy pond scum. I don't know I just kinda laugh, Amanda is right these people online are CRAZY!! Everything does happen for a reason I guess. Anyway I will do a better post later just wanted to say that sometimes the VOICE's in your head or where ever they may be are 9 times out of 10 are CRAZY.....

Current mood: amused

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

2:47AM - Change....

I was hauling ass thru Food Lion and my phone rang.I look at the ID and it's private. I think maybe it's mom.. Wrong!! I answered it and It was Joseph.He said I am so sorry I was just kidding ..So I say to myself...Self, maybe he didnt mean it maybe you were stressed and took it the wrong way... So I began talking to him. As my ADD is is going over the list I made trying to remember everything I say OHHH Sundrop ,Oh god they are really out of Sundrop. And this man says to me you don't need it baby that shit will kill ya.I say soooo.. And smoking won't kill you? He really said I will break you from that, you will have to change that habbit. ERRRRR Stop rewind What? Did he say break me? Change me? Ha HA ha Oh little do you Know my small dick friend... No one will ever Change me, Josh may have broke me,but no man will ever Do that again.I like me (most times) Everyone likes me (well not wendy fuckface Edwards) and it's because I am who I am and I do not Change for anyone,I am a likeable sonofabitch!! So I say really this is just not gonna work and he says thats because you don't want it to....PAUSE... Sure I did till he started talking to me like that and It starts out small but I know how it goes, I have been there, They start telling you you cant ware make up or use hair spray, what to ware and when to speak, Then you end up gettin punched for laughing at a guy on TV,or your head rammed into the dash of a car because you looked out the window.That's just the small stuff then they end up tying you down to a bed and trying to shove a hot curling iron in you. The police get called and they tell you that your life is in danger that the guy has dug a hole in the woods to put you in, Thats not all Kids... Then the guy Guts a cat and hangs it at the exit door where you work with a note that says Sorry baby I love you COME HOME!!!! FUCK THAT! Sooo I say you are right Joseph ,You are an asshole and I know now why your wife left ya.. Bye Bye now. Well that and his small dick. Now I ask you.. Does God think this is funny? Cause it's not. Things like that really make me wanna shut men out. Really would you?Josh would Never have said that to me.Whatever.... I am just so sick of trying and the lies of being with someone when they say they're not. I know that I have my dating faults. I know I compare everyone to Josh but damn look at what I deal with.You would quit too.OK lets look at it this way...... Someday a sweet prince is gonna sweep me off my feet on the other hand Knowing me... I will be standing in quick dry cement.

Current mood: cold

Current music: Love me when I'm gone...3 Doors down.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

12:20AM - Miss me?

I don't know if it's the computer or something is wrong with yahoo... My im isn't working and I can't check my inbox. I log in and NOTHING! Not one thing pops up. It has been a long sunday.Im still not working and it's makin me nuts! Then I think fuck I don't wanna go back.I wanna do something fun before I go back. Joseph msged me and then called me... I hate talking on the phone yet I could talk to Josh for hours non stop. Anyway,Brad and Chunk were in the background talking and having fun just being boys and that asshole said You should tell them to shut tha hell up and go to bed or bust their ass. Big mistake, I asked Oh are they too loud for you? He said Yeah I dont even know if you can hear what I'm saying to you. So I said well I could hear you if I wanted to but I don't so .... And I hung up he msged me and asked why and I told him not to call back. You just dont say things like that about my boys.I was done with him when he told me he was married. Now he did say that he was getting a divorce but I've heard that shit so many times. I'm just all out of give a shit. Every man thinks they are gonna step in and change your life or that they can fuck you like no other ever has or can. It's all becoming the same to me.Guy kisses you, guy plays with your boobs, Guy goes down on you and fucks you a couple different ways, you both cum end of story.It's what happens out of sex that matters. Yeah I know I just wrote about Josh and the office and passion blah blah blah... But it was what he saw in me and how he looked at me, the things he did for me, those are the things that changed my life. He didn't just take from me he gave so much back. I felt so comfortable with him. I hope his cock falls off. Stupid thing is if it did... I would still want him. Crazy? Maybe.I wish I could talk to him it's been right at a month and I havent heard from him. I wonder if he will even say goodbye? That's what rips me apart. Not knowing. I think he knows It will hurt me. OK well thats enough of that shit for tonight. I'm going to bed

Current mood: sleepy

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Sunday, June 22, 2008

12:40PM - Brain block

My kids left last night and It was sooo quiet.That sucked cause then I was left alone with my thoughts. it's kinda funny how when you are alone and thinking the thoughts almost seem like a haunting voice. Almost like you are thinking out loud. So to quiet them I go downstairs to my stash and Damn I have nothing. I had adipex but crushing them and snorting them gives almost a meth or coke affect. I didnt need that.So the next thing I have is phenergan DO NOT EVER I MEAN EVER SNORT PHENERGAN. My nose started to burn and run and FOAM. That was sucky. So there I sat with my thoughts and a burning nose.Then I thought of how and when this addiction started. It started after I found out that Josh was back and working at blockbuster. I started popping vicodon and percocet just to control that need to see him and touch him. After a little while that started not working so I crushed them. That was a new kind of WOW! It kept me busy and Thoughtless.I stopped for a while , till my dad died and I found a whole bottle of 163 vicodon. That got me thru his death. Now here I was looking for anything to stop my thoughts of Josh again. I thought of the morning I walked into QM and he came out from behind the counter and kissed me, backing me up into the office He was kissing me forcefully and jerking my uniform pants down, grabbing my hair and biting my lips and face. Then he turned me around and shoved me over some boxes of beer pulled my ass to him and shoved it in me without one word. I was moaning so loud and we were breathing so hard that we didn't hear anyone come in. We got finished and heard someone cough, It was a cop , he was getting coffee, so he walked out first and I 007ed to the bathroom to clean up. I forgot to lock the door when Again... Josh bust thru the door and grabs my face kissing me and backs me up on to the sink and pulls back and says Girl you don't know what you do to me, and he fucked me on the sink. I had never felt so much passion in a kiss, or touch or a fuck for that matter. These were the thoughts that danced in my head all night.This morning my phone rang around 8 am and I felt hungover as I answered. It was my person telling me he had something for me. THANK GOD! I met him got what I needed and had the thought of I wonder if Josh is at church?So I drove by there and her car was gone but his was there. I wanted to pull in and tell him to meet me in the bathroom for a quickie but I didn't I just kept driving. I came home busted two up and now I think we had nothing... we had awesome sex. That's it.Nothing more really. I hope with all my sweet loving heart he gets ED and it never gets hard again.

Current mood: high

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Saturday, June 21, 2008

2:04PM - Remember this?

Remember he guy that I wrote about that was so sweet and great and wonderful and how I thought he could take Josh's place? Now remember that i said there was just something about him I felt I couldnt get to close to him.... well here it is.... He's married.Now they arent together at the moment he says but I know this story, It's funny how life works. Well for me anyway. Fuck it he had a small dick I felt it thru his shorts and trust me, there is nothing to work with. So Iguess it's time to say..... NEXT

Current mood: amused

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Friday, June 20, 2008

8:10AM - Tryin not to suck

Somethings ya just can't let go of and this is one of them..... I wanna see him before he goes,I want to walk over to him as I always do lay my head on his chest and listen for a heartbeat, then I want to look up at him and when he leans down to kiss me... I want with all my heart to punch his chest and rip his fucking heart out. You know what stops me? I'm scared that he doesn't have one. That would just be a big ole fucking waste of time then wouldn't it?Ya know what else Fuck that dumbass bitch... She really thinks he loves her.I bet she thinks that he meant the vows that he took.Ha ha he didn't. He broke those the night he ripped my zipper on my jeans yanked them down bent me over and fucked me till HE screamed. Even then he didn't stop , he crammed his hand back down in my ripped fuckin jeans and fingered me and sucked my tits till I got off again because he LOVES to hear me cum.Yeah I'm a stupid bitch too, I'm probably not the only whore he has in waiting. It won't take long before he gets settled in at the coast and he thinks of me, and how free he felt when he was with me and he will look for someone else to fill that need. OOOOOOHHHH and Fuck her again cause she will still think that she is his only one just because he gave her his name.Thats sweet I think... she gets his name and many others get his cock.It's rather sad on my part, after all I just cried out to God to give me a man who would do such a thing and sware to live by God and his rules of life. A man who will pray for you when you are down, who will go to church and preach of his faith in all that is good and true and keep his whore at bay when his wife leaves town. I tell ya ... Ya gotta love this man. I do love him though.

Current mood: amused

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1:48AM - Better now

Ok I got some sleep,and I collected my thoughts, and I'm ok.I just want more than anything in this world for him to be happy.If moving to the beach makes him smile and gets rid of some of the stress he carries... with her or not I will stop being selfish and wish him the best.I love him, and I cant help that. I just felt my world cave in around me.I just wish that I had not held everything I held back from him from the start. It's my fault that we didnt make it, but he did come back to me time after time.I'm not saying that he will be back, but I can always hope.I just hope that when he is an old man siting there with his fishing pole and wonders if he was ever truly loved that he thinks back and knows that I loved him with no limits, and that I will forever hold him close and deep in my heart.It has been really hard these past 6 years to date or get close to anyone so that I would be free for him at anytime.I dated guys that I knew it wouldnt last and that treated me like shit cause I knew I could walk away for him. So I guess now, it's time to move on.He knows I love him. He knows I always will.That's what will get me thru this.And that one day that he said he made the wrong choice.....I know without a doubt, Joshua knows In some way I will always belong to him, even if we never see eachother again.I love you Josh I wish you the best, Goodbye my sweet beautiful baby.

Current mood: calm

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Thursday, June 19, 2008

1:20AM - Dear God,

My head hurts.I feel empty like you could almost hear an echo inside of me.I know that he knows I love him, and that no one ever could dare come close to taking his place.I just cant shake this need to scream WHY... people keep telling me God has his reasons... Really... and what reason would that be? Then they tell me you arent supposed to question his work.... Well I wanna know WHY? Why is it when you spend 6 fucking years loving one man, and knowing that he cares too WHY does he just go away and not say one fucking word to me? Why God? You have the power to change it and I want him to stay I want him back God and you BRING HIM BACK!!!!!!!!!You MAKE HIM STAY!PLEASE , PLEASE DONT TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME!IF YOU THINK I DIDNT LOVE HIM ENOUGH I CAN SHOW HIM MORE I CAN TRY HARDER, AND I WILL TELL HIM EVERYDAYHOW WONDERFUL HE IS AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF HIM AND I WONT MISS A DAY OF TELLING HIM HOW MUCH HIS SMILE MEANS TO ME AND HOW WHEN HE LAUGHES MY WHOLE DAY CHANGES AND THE SUN GETS BRIGHTER AND I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT HIM AND I WOULD BE A BETTER PERSON PLEASE JUST DONT DO THIS JUST GIVE ME THIS ONE LITTLE THING,JUST YOU MAKE HIM STAY!and i feel like my life has just been ripped out of me. I just stand here and i dont know what to do and i know i said that he was my butterfly and i would let him go and see if he comes back a third time,but i cant , and i cant breathe.I love him and i wanted to tell him all the reasons why when he asked but i didnt wanna seem week but i dont care about that anymore i would tell him everyday if it would just please make him stay.i'm not fine and i'm not gonna get over this in time and i dont know what to do. What am I gonna do?

Current mood: sick

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Monday, June 16, 2008

10:38AM - Know your role

Yesterday was Father's Day and it sucked without my Dad. Patrick was being an ASS to the boy's and Bitched at us all day. He never once told the boys thank you for his Gift. He took it outta tha bag and said hummm well.Then put it back in the bag and sat it in his closet. What a bastard.Today is Chunk's Birthday and Mother had it announced over the TV and He really thought that was Awesome.He thinks he is FAMOUS now. The only thing he wanted was Pizza, an Mp3 player, and to go to the river.He is such a sweet boy.He never asks for anything, and is always willing to help someone out no matter how big or small the Job may be.His brother is his hero.Brad is a good kid to , to a point.He wants the world and will not settle for less.I guess I got pretty lucky. Ok now this....... I talked to HIM, even went to see HIM.He said that the other day was just a misunderstanding. He gave me his reasons and The whole time he was talking I was thinking Come on give me something I havent heard before.I guess I just dont wanna trust it.I think he is a great guy, But I still have that problem with what if?!?So I start trying to find things wrong with HIM, And as Hard as I try there are very few things I can find wrong.But I could go on and on about the wonderful things about him.We sat there for a couple hours and talked and he kissed my face and neck, played with my hair,ran his finger around my face, and I not him I kissed his lips.and that was awesome.For once a kiss wasnt forced on me and after kissing him I didnt feel like I wanted to puke.It was so nice.I have to make this very clear...... While kissing and when I was talking he did run his hands all over my body but he didnt push the sex issue. He said Looking at you and kissing you I'm not gonna lie Makes me want to be inside you but I know you are scared of me hurting you and I am willing to wait till YOU are ready.He said he didnt want me to feel rushed or pushed into anything. So as great as all that kissing and touching felt, we didn't have sex.Why do I still feel the need to pull away? I just don't want to get caught up in this and it end up blowing up in my face.I could really Love him.Maybe not as much as I love Josh but it could be close.I know me... I will run from this and wonder everyday what could have been.If Josh really knew the power he has over me,How would he feel? Even though I have this great guy that any woman would kill to have begging for me to give him a chance, to let my guard down and let my emotions take over... I will just never feel Good enough.It's really not Josh's fault, it's just how he makes me feel now.I feel ugly,even though I know I can have my pick of just about any man.I feel stupid , but I can talk about any subject you can throw at me and give some awesome input.I feel worthless but I know that I leave my mark on every person that has ever had contact with me and have touched them in ways that no one else could or ever would. I should hate him for making me feel this way, I should banish every thought or feeling that I have ever had of him......But I wont because of who he is and all that he has become to me.

Current mood: cold

Current music: Black.. Pearl Jam

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Saturday, June 14, 2008

1:56AM - Over It

What was I thinking?How stupid can I fucking get?I know my role.Why didn't I just stick with it?I can turn any mans head faster than any woman, I can walk in a room and half the men in the room watch me walk across the room the other half are either gay or truly in love and the one thought that goes thru their heads is.. Damn I wanna Fuck Her. Never a , Man I could see me growing old with her. NEVER!! I've heard every line a man and some women could ever come up with.Everything from Baby the only way you could ever be more beautiful is if my cock was in your mouth, To I love you, you are everything I have always wanted and dreamed of. Oh and the I wanna spend the rest of my life waking up to that sweet smile. What a bunch of shit. Now sometimes when your not looking one gets by you that makes you think, Gah could he really mean that? I think maybe he does and then you blow that wall you have built up all to hell and when the smoke clears you find yourself wondering..... where tha hell did he go?And it's just you and broken brick every where.How did I forget that I'm the whore every man wants their wife or girlfriend to be?How could I just open up and let someone in that I know from the start based their view of me on sexual attraction? Because I am fucking S-T-U-P-I-D!!So ya know what? This is me Truly giving up, truly saying I quit, Truly saying NEVER again.This has not hurt me the way that Josh has but it came close, Thank everything that I caught on to it before I fell that hard.I sent him msg after msg after msg and NOTHING NO response. I thought we were getting along just fine, then I msg him later and Nothing. Not One fucking word.So I'm done, I dont wanna hear how someone says they feel about me, I don't wanna do the share thing, I don't want any part of it. Fuck all of that.

Current mood: nauseated

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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

8:51PM - I need him

I havent talked to him in a couple days and he is all I can think about.I think really he could be my next Josh. I feel more for him than i should and that kills me so what do I do? I run from it. Chris msged me as soon as he got out of the woods last night and asked me to meet him. I thought why not... maybe it will get HIM off my mind.Chris showed up all sexy on his bike and he jumped off threw his helmet down and gave me the tightest hug ever. He told me I was all he thought about and he missed me so much. Sweet words wrong guy. Anyway he took some pics of me on his bike and He let me drive it around the parking lot.Then we rode to a park that no one goes to anymore. That was an awesome ride , my arms around his big well built body. Anyway I was sittin on a slide he was on his knees in front of me just talking. Then I started thinking about him.How I wished it were him in front of me and not Chris. So I gave him the kiss me look and he did. I started kissing all over Chris' sexy ass body He tried to stop me and tell me I had 4 weeks to go but I couldnt stop. I was undoing his jeans and had him in my mouth before we knew it.He was pulling my hair and pumpin my face then he shoved me back on the slide and took my jeans off and put it in mmmmmm he felt so damn good my legs wrapped around his waist and lookin in his eyes he eept tellin me how beautiful i am and everything was so right when I realized that it was no longer Chris I was fucking.... In my head it was him.Thats when It hit me, I have to tell him or Just stay away from him.Chris makes a beautiful distraction but he isnt the man I want.So when it was over Chris held me and told me he loved me and that he knew that I didnt feel the same for him but he was there for me when I was ready to talk about it.I didnt want to hurt Chris But I did tell him about this man who is taken my heart and he kissed my head and said baby you have to tell him. I dont know if I am ready to chance that right now, But I know I have to do something....

Current mood: restless

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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

10:29AM - Day Dreaming

I got up at the naked ass crack of dawn this morning to rush Brad and Josh to football Camp and Brad jumped out ready to pound pavement and run, hit the weights and take people down, But Josh froze. He wouldn't get out of the car. I asked what was wrong and he said They never called me... I don't think they want me. See the coaches wanted Brad they scouted him last year with a few other guys,He had two schools wanting him, But Josh thinks because they didn't call him and run camp times by with him that they didnt want him. He was scared and shaking. I think it's because his parents did not come to one game he had last year. So I called the coach and Got him in. I talked to him and told him he did a great Job last year and he will do great this year too, That's all he needed was someone to back him up and let him know that they are proud of him. Poor guy!So Brad went straight to Varsity(spelling?) They said he would do better than being on JV. Now.... I have lost my freakin mind. Really! I have been talking to a man and I didn't mean to but I am so in to him. He is awesome. He is smart, beautiful, total package. He is easy to talk to and I love the way he talks to me.I am trying so hard to shake the thought of him but the harder I try the more he stays on my mind.I have to stay away from him... Even though everything seems so right now doesn't mean he wont break my heart and he could do it to.This could be Josh all over again.I can't feel that hurt all over again.Now it's still early I can pull out of this and be ok. but what if I can't when I try?All I know is I want to wake up in his arms.And I don't even think about Josh when I talk to him.When I talk to him, it's hard to breathe.So I can't talk to him that often even though There is nothing I want more in this world than to hear his sweet voice.Not sure right now how to deal with this But I think it's best for me to stay away... but then again when Have I ever done what's best for me? Yeah why start now?

Current mood: flirty

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Sunday, June 8, 2008

11:19PM - FUCK HIM

I am in a shitty fucking mood tonight. I fucking hate Patrick. It seems like I never have any help from him when it comes to the boys. Or anything else for that matter. He goes thru MY fucking money like I am his personal ATM and I am so fucking sick of it. I try to talk to him about anything and he turns things around to make him look like the poor pitiful guy that gives everything he has and he gives NOTHING!!!!He makes it seem like he does tha best he can do ... No he fucking don't. I am sick of his dead end Job he has that pays nothing, I am sick of taking care of him and everyone else. I dont mind at all taking care of my children But Who tha fuck wants a "man" who makes Less than $15 an hour.That is chump change and it doesnt Help anyone.He doesnT care either he's happy at his shitty no paying Job. It doesnt matter that he cant even keep his self up. I am sick of doing it.I am sick of being the one to pay for everything, to make sure the boys have clothes, shoes, money for football camp. I'm just tired of everything falling on me to worry about and no one but him knows where his money goes. He dont drink or do drugs so where tha fuck does it go?And then there are the people that come along and think they can make your life so much better. Right, Unless you make $75 thousand a year there is nothing in my life you can make better,love, sex, or money.Patrick really makes me wanna wrap me and my car around a fucking tree.The one thing that he works overtime on is trying his best to make me feel like shit! He worked from 8 till 4:30 and came in and started cleaning up some shit that was out of place, Now I have tried to do somethings around here and have really over done it to myself. To the point where I hurt alot more than I should. But he does Nothing at work but hide in an office all fucking day on weekends but he comes home and tries to make me feel like shit because he has been at work all day and he has to come home and clean. While I have done nothing but lay around on my ass all day. Well fuck him I do more than I should right now.I am just so damn sick of him and his poor pitiful me bullshit.He is nothing more than an over grown child and I hate him. Then I have to sit here and listen to my children tell me that My mother has talked about how worthless I am just because I slept till 10:00am. Fuck IT I GIVE UP!FUCK PATRICK AND FUCK MOTHER MAYBE THEY CAN GET TOGETHER AND THROW PITTY PARTIES FOR EACH OTHER AND TALK ABOUT WHAT A DAMN FUCKING BITCH I AM FOR EVERYTHING AND NOTHING I HAVE DONE. Maybe my sister might wanna Join in on that too. Fuck!!!!!!

Current mood: irate

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Friday, June 6, 2008

5:25PM - Horse Shit

Where to start? Well Chris msged me today , we were supposed to get together today and hang out for a while when around the time we were supposed to meet he msged and said that his Girlfriend was getting off from work early and was on her way so he wasnt going to make it. That's fine I know things like that happen but he and his GF broke up, now they are together and he isnt sure how it happened other than the parents of both pushed the issue of them being together. Again thats fine I dont want anything more than what we ?have? ! But then he called a few mins later and said I dont care if she is on her way , I dont care about her at this point I NEED to see you. So I tried to talk him out of it but he just kept saying I NEED to see you. So I had to go see what all this stupid ass NEED shit was all about. So we met usual place and he got out of his truck and into my trailblazer.I tried talking to him and he freakin shhhushed me and asked can I please just look at you? I told him no Thats stupid I dont want to be looked at, think about it would you want anyone to just sit there and stare at you? I'm thinking he wants to tell me he loves his GF and I'm not worth it and he made his mind up because I look like shit. BUT he took my hand and kissed it and said You are unlike anyone I have ever met. He said I'm easy to get along with easy to talk to That everything about me feels just so right and he feels like I understand him and blah blah blah and ........ NO AMANDA HE DID NOT TELL ME HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME> SO HA HA!!! But he did say, that In the short time of us talking he cant see his life without me in it somewhere, somehow. He said that before he goes to bed at night he lays there and wonders what it's like to have me beside him and he wants me to stay with him one night so he can know what it's like to feel my breath on his skin while I sleep, and on and on about how beautiful he thinks I am. I told him that was sweet and that it would pass. That I'm really not that sweet and thoughtful, that I forget birthdays and I dont look good at all in the mornings or naked in the light. He laughes and again assures me that he NEEDS me in his life as more than just a "buddy". Now What do I think about all this? I think..... HORSE SHIT!!! It sounds like a bad country song and I dont want any part of it!Sure he's gonna feel Like what he is feeling at this point is life changing and important but what happens when I give in to that and become the thoughtfull pretty loveable girl he feels that I am now? I will tell you what happens he will lose intrest and find someone else on the side that makes him all gushy inside and I become just someone he use to know. Well fuck that! Been there done that, and I'm not falling for that truck load of bull shit again.So I really wanted to say look Chris I'm not your bitch dont hang your shit on me but I didnt. I said well thats real sweet that you think you feel that way but give it a couple day, dont msg me or call and take time to really think about this and I'm sure that all that will change when you spend time with her and we will still be friends just give it some time with her and he stopped me and said it's been 3 long years and I have never been as happy with her as I have been with you in the time that I've known you.Soooo there was just no talking to him. So I just kissed his head and told him I had to go and to have a good weekend and that was it. He has text me a couple times after the meeting and I havent answered him. I really dont see the use in it.So I guess thats done. It was fun while it lasted I am not going to be blamed for breaking up another couple. Anyway Brad is gone to stay with his friend Josh and chunk wants me to spend time with him so i suppose this my post for tonight. I'm sure I will have to spend the night in his room.

Current mood: cranky

Current music: Sittin at tha bar.... Rehab

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