Blurty for Welcome To My World.

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Sunday, February 26th, 2006

Subject:Really sick
Time:12:41 pm.
Mood: sick.
Music:Tami Cynn- Hyperventilating.
Friday I had to leave the mall early because I wasn't feeling well at all....then yeasterday I went to my other job at 8am.....I was supposed to be there until 10pm but I was so sick that I left at 12 noon. I ended up having a fever of 101.4.....I felt soooo shitty. My head was hurting and it hurt to breath deeply.....I'm feeling a little better. I called off work fever went down a lot and my headache is gone. Thank God!

The good thing about this cold was that I didn't eat a lot wich is good. I really need to loose this weight that I gained and then some!

My goal is to loose as much weight as possible so that I can look good by May 6th. My friend is gradutaing from USF on that day and she is gonna have this big formal lunch and dinner things and everyone is gonna be dressed up. I'm such a tomboy but I want to look good dressing in formal wear.

I tried to post a pic of myself here but I guess I couldn't if anyone knows how please leave me a comment.
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Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

Subject:Crazy, crazy, crazy,
Time:8:59 pm.
Mood: calm.
I still have my 3's pretty crazy but yeah.... I still have them. I've gained weight like crazy!!!!

I want to put up a pic of myself....hmm....I might just have to figure that out.....

I finally bought a new car!!!! Yay!!!! It's a stick shift.....I have no idea how to drive it but it's all good! I have a new car!!!! 2006!!! yay!!!! I'm learning how to drive it tho....

I really need to loose this weight.....I'm starting to get really depressed about it.....and My mom found out that I smoke ciggs.....I felt so bad.....I'm trying to stop smoking them for her because it hurts me to hurt her. I mean.....I know that they are bad for you and all but the stress kills me and I smoke.
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Monday, December 12th, 2005

Time:8:49 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Music:Brand New- Kanye West.
Wow it's been sooooooooooooooo long!!! I really don't have time to do much of anything anymore. I have 3 jobs now and I work more than 60 hours a week. I don't have time for anything.

My BF broke up with me. He broke up with me because he thought that I thought that he was doing something behind my back. Isn't that crazy?? Oh well, things happen for a reason. And now once again he wants me back. I can't be in a "on and off" relationship so I decided not to go back to him. Plus I don't even have time anymore. I want someone to love me and treat me the way I love and treat them.

Well, I have to go...I worked at 2 out of my three jobs today....and I'm tired.
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Wednesday, November 30th, 2005

Time:2:03 pm.
Mood: blank.
Music:Latif- U think U know.
Well, on my last post I wrote that I am was mom wanted me out of the house....I was so stressed out. A day didn't go by that I didn't cry myself to sleep....I felt so alone. I told my boyfriend and he told his mom what was going on and she offered for me to move in. But I told her no. I didn't want to move in because she felt bad for me. (I'm way too proud) She invited me to have thanksgiving with her and her family so I did. I had to work all last week and I had my bosses car. Mark was in town from Tampa so I picked him up and me and him went to my boyfriends grandmothers house and spent thanksgiving there. Also, my friend Trina, was in town so me and her hung out too. I ended up loosing the baby the day after thanksgiving. I was about a month pregnant. I was so depressed about it. I really wanted to have the baby. But things happen for a reason right??? I gained soooo much weight because I forced myself to eat....I really wanted the baby to be healthy....but I'm gonna try and loose this weight. My boyfriends mom told me that I would have to go to the hospital since I lost the baby and I ended up going the next day. At times I felt like my boyfriend didn't care if I lost the baby. I cried so much...and when I told him all he said was "you need to go to the doctor" "Things happen for a reason" He didn't really least I don't think he did. The night before last we were hanging out and he was with his friends and they were smoking weed. I haven't smoked weed since may.....but for some reason I was so tempted to and I did. I felt bad afterwards. Yesterday my boyfriend invited me to go to his house and have breakfast with him. I wasn't feeling well but I went anyway.....we were smoking weed and I started to feel even worse.....My boyfriends mom said that I wasn't looking too good and that I looked dead.....she said I had dark circles under my eyes and that my face looked gray. I was shaking and I couldn't breath. I almost passed out. I went to the hospital and the reason why I was like that was because of menstrual cramps. Isn’t that some shit??? I couldn't go to work yesterday because I spent the day at the hospital. I went there twice this week. Ugh....I hate the damn hospital. So....I'm just chillin at home...waiting for it to be that I can go to work again.
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Monday, November 21st, 2005

Time:11:00 am.
Mood: depressed.
I'm depressed...all I do is cry...

Found out I'm prego.

My parents are kicking me out because of it.

I'm so stressed.

I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean and I'm screaming but no one can hear me.
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Wednesday, November 16th, 2005

Subject:What is this world comming to??
Time:11:56 am.
Mood: sick.
Music:Tupac Songs.
I haven't really found any time to come in here and write. It's been pretty hecktick.

I went through my usual routine this weekend. I called off of work on Saturday. I didn't want to work 12 hours....and Friday night I wasn't feeling well, so I called my boss and told her that I wasn't feeling well. Well....that night I wasn't in a good mood at all. I've been so angry and depressed lately....My ex came to pick me up and I spent the night at his house. We left early Saturday morning to go to Ft. Myers to meet up half way to get his daughter. She is soooo cute. Her name is Aniyah. I love that little girl to death!!!

Well, after that, me and my ex, and two of his friends went to Largo to a recording studio. My ex is lookin to be a celebrity one day. I hope that his dreams come true. He lives and breathes music. Well, me and one of his friends got into it. I was about to cut that boy....He slapped me in the was crazy but I went even crazier....long story but it's all good. I don't talk to him ex's friend that is.

Saturday night my Ex's cousin got shot twice and died. Three Mexicans rode up in there car and asked him for all his money at gun point. He gave it to they rode off one of them shot twice at him. One went to his neck....and the other went to his ankle. What is this world comming to? WTF???

Sunday I worked at the mall. It went by pretty slow. There was only one sale. While I was at work I had called my friend and she told me about my ex's cousin. I called my Ex to apologize about what happened. I feel bad. The funeral is this Saturday. While I was talking to my ex and he wanted me to chill with him. Anyway....when I was done working at the mall I went to go and pay my cell phone bill and make a payment on my Macy's card. While I was on my way to pay my phone....a phone company stopped me and started to tell me about a cell phone and all that I got a cell phone for free. I didn't even have to pay for activation....I got a phone a didn't pay a damn thing!!! I know how to talk to these people!! Yay!! So I now have a cell phone. Yay!! Then I paid my overdue cell phone bill and my Macy's. My Aunt took me home and I called my ex and let him know that I was on my way home, and that I have a new cell phone. Later on that night he came and picked me up and I spent the night at his house again. I'm always over there. I practically live there!

Monday....I chilled with him all day....and his daughter too. I made up my mind about him. I may be going crazy or something...but I decided to forgive him and stay with him. So me and him are back together. I love him, and I hope that we stay together and work things out. I'm not falling for him...but I love him. I'm just gonna be aware...I hope that he stays true. He seems really sorry about what he did. I went to work and I told my boss that I will work on Thanks Giving from 8am-12pm. I'm not even supposed to be working at all on that day but she relly needed someone and wouldn't stop mentioning it to me. I felt bad so I told her that I will work. I need the money. I have 2 cell phone bills that I am paying now. I went home and chilled for a little bit then went to sleep because I needed to get up early and work.
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Friday, November 11th, 2005

Subject:Catching up
Time:10:50 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:Common- Testify.
Well, I know that it has been a while since I wrote. So much has been going on. All that I have had time for really is just to make comments on other peoples journals.

So on Sunday. I went to church early in the morning with my Aunt. And then after that we went out for breakfast.....I ate so horribly...goodness I'm a freakin pig! Then after that I went to work at my second job at the mall. We only had like one sale. I swear there was these two guys that walked right in just to freakin talk to me. Why do guys think that they are slick....okay....girls aren't dumb we know when your trying to talk to a girl. I work at a kids clothing store from newborns untill about kids who are 10 or 12 depending on there size. These two guys walk in asking me about a certain size for girls, then that same size for boys...I knew eight then that he didn't have any kids and that he had no idea what he was saying. I felt really disrespected....all he did was look at me up and down. I was ready to tell him to leave the he suggested it himself. I felt gross!

Then on Monday....I went to work in the afternoon, my boss, as usual, nagged and nagged. Nothing new. I mean....she really cool and I love her a lot but damn.....she rants!!! But whatever. She is pissed off becasue she wanted me to work on Thanksgiving and I told her that I already have plans. And now she has no one to work. But then again she is going to PR for thanksgiving and she expects others to work?? WTF??? Whatever....I know that I need the extra hours and all that but still.....I need to at least do something for Turkey Day right??

I swear I controdict myself over and over again....Monday my ex called and we hungout....I don't know what my problem is.....I ended up spending the night over at his house. I promised myself that I wouldn't talk to him, that I wouldn't see him, that I wouldn't let his words get to me and sink into my mind, that I will no longer sleep with him....and once again I failed to do so. I failed. That's what I do....I fail....I'm a failure....he has such power over's crazy...His mother loves me though...she invited me to spend thanksgiving with her and her family...she calls me her daughter...and she had made me breakfast. She is wonderful. When I thought that I was prego she told me that she was there for me, and that the baby would be well taken care of. She is great. I love her and her family a lot. I ended up spendind the night again...and I went home wednsday before I had to go to work....

Yesterday I had to be at work at 7:30am....goodness that was sooooooooooooooooo early!!! I worked until 3pm. It was okay...I really need to the money. I went to the mall and paid my cell phone bill.....well...part of it. It's a big ass bill. I went to a store and visited my "Brother" I call him that. He's really cool and we fight like brother and sister so I call him my brother. Anyway...I talked to him for a little bit and paid my bill. Then I went home. I was so fucking pissed off last night because a friend of mine....(well....she is more like an aquantence of mine) had called me and asked me to go out with her to a club. So I said okay sure...well to make the longs story short...I call her to let her know that I am geting ready and she never picked up her phone. I call her again and she ignores me. Well, my father was using the house phone and so I used his cell to call her. That's when she picked up...she made some lame ass excuse...and said that she would call me back and she never did. I was pissed the hell off because all I wanted her to do was call and let me know what was going on. I wouldn't really care if I wasn't going, I just wanted her to let me know because I was ready and I was waiting like a dumb ass. If she didn't want me to go she could have said so. That's fine as long as I wasn't being stood up. But that really pissed me off. I wasn't having a good day at all so I called her one more time and cursed her out. I was pissed the fuck off....all I wanted was a damn phone call letting me know what was going on. Anyway...I ended up going out with my ex for a while...I arrived home around 1:30am.

But today is a new day.....It's Friday....I didn't have to work. My friend from out of town is visiting. I've known her since I was like 14 or 15...she is wonderful. We talk about EVERYTHING! She is wonderful. She doesn't know about my ED though. She called me and we are gonna go to the movies tonight. So that's pretty cool. She has been a wonderful person to me. She knew me when I used to be this "tough girl always getting into trouble" I was bad.

Tomorrow I am off to work 12 I don't think that I will have time to write.
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Monday, November 7th, 2005

Time:9:10 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
So when I went to work I ate like a cow once again. From the 5lbs I lost I ganied 4 back. Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! I'm so damn mad!!! Then I start eating shit....I ate chicken, then some mac and cheese and a damn slice of pizza....I come home and there is a jar with candy so I had a piece. There goes my fast! I'm a failure. I'm never gonna be able to loose this weight. I'm gonna be this ugly person forever! Tomorrow I will fast....I will not have anything to eat at matter how hungry I get......I can't be gaining....I have to loose!!!!!!
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Subject:My weekend
Time:3:46 pm.
Mood: rejected.
Music:Marcus Houston- Naked remix. on Saturday I worked from 8am-8pm. It was a long day at work...but I guess it went well. I love my boss! She is like a mother to me. Her family is like my family. I ate like a damn pig! Good God....I can't believe that!!! I lost 5lbs during my fast and I ate like a pig during the weekend! I feel like a fuckin' cow.

Sunday I worked at my second job. I work at a store in the mall. It's pretty boring. No one comes in there. So I usually just have the music on....I'm the only one there other then my friends daughter that goes in there and talks to me. We only had one sale. I only work there on the side on Sundays. A friend of mine works at a bank and she was supposed to give me an application but she forgot. I tried to get ahold of her but I couldn't.

Saturday night my ex called me. He was watching a movie and he said that he would call me back when the movie was over. I went out Saturday night with my friend to a club and when I checked to see if he called me back he never did. I don't even know why I think that he would actually give me that much importance to call. What an asshole!

Last night I called him....I don't even know why I try. It went straight to voicemail. I didn't leave a mesg. He called me today and asked me why I never call. I told him that I called him last night and how it went to voicemail. He didn't believe me. Then he was entering the house and said that he would call me back. I went online and from his phone he IMed me asking me what time I came home last night and who was I with. Why would he even care? He got mad at me because I told him I didn't know what time I came home. So then I decided to be a bitch and ask him why was he so quick to get me off the phone when he got to the house but he can IM me. Of course he never answered my question....I already know. I bet that girl he cheated on me with was there. He got mad at me and said that he was done. I wonder what that means. I guess he wont be talking to me anymore. Oh well. I can't be stressing. I'm tired of stressing. I feel lonely and all I want is for someone to truly love me. But I guess I need to wake up from that dream huh?

Well, this is my stressed life.

I'm fasting today....I've had about 54 cals. I hope I don't eat anything. I'm such and ugly person. No wonder why I can't find a good guy. I'm too damn ugly and fat. Oh well. Loneliness shall be my best friend.
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Friday, November 4th, 2005

Subject:More about my boring life....what a joy right??
Time:3:11 pm.
Mood: infuriated.
Music:Richie Spice- Youths Are So Cold.
So after spending some time in the chat room...more like a forum ranting about my fast and stuff I felt really tired....I mean....I had like close to no energy what so ever. I ate some more cantaloupe still didn't have any energy and I felt really sick and shitty....So as of today I have consumed about 300 cals.....that's horrible!! I have to do some cardio or something so I can burn them. I wont know how much I burned but at least I'll be burning right?

I've been doing a lot of mind always wonder' never ends. I feel like I will never be satisfied. Like...I'm always complaining about something. I'm never happy, I'm always depressed. I have such high standards for myself and I haven't accomplished anything. Ever since I was like 14 I wanted to graduate from HS and move away and go off to college. I didn't graduate until this past may. I'm 19 years old and I will be 20 in March. (Go Pisces!!!!!!) I can't go to college because I can't afford it. I was accepted into a private college but I just don't have the money and I don't qualify for financial aid nor do I qualify for any loans. And I wasn't able to get any scholarships. I want to study Forensic Science. I want to be a CSI/Forencis Scientist. I'm a minority. I am Puerto Rican and I'm fluent in Spanish. It was my first language. We as minorities are looked down upon. I don't want to be like that. I want to have a name for myself. I want to have a career not a job. I want to travel...I want to give my parents a wonderful home. I don't want to see my mother bust her ass every day and work to get so little.....I'm complaining aren't I? Yeah I do that a lot....I think too much. I'm sad, lonely, depressed, and completely confused. I want to know my meaning in this life so that I can walk that path...I've always dreamed that by the time I'm 24 or 25 I'll have my own home. Am I too hard on myself. I've been told that before. I hate to settle.....I don't want to settle...I want to be the best....I want to have everything I have always wanted....I don't want to deal with a car that will break down on me. I'm tired of that. I have been brought up to be independent. My mother always told me "To get what you want you have to go and get it yourself, don't expect to find someone that will do it for you. You have to work hard to get on top" And she is right. I know I'm young....but I have been through a lot. I never had a child hood. There have been times that I thought I would have to drop out of school so that I can work to help pay the bills. I was forced to grow up at a very young age. I want to see my parents happy. It deeply saddens me to see them always tired.

I don't do my part around the house....I should help out more. I'm a horrible daughter.
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Subject:Blah Blah Blah
Time:8:47 am.
Mood: blah.
Music:Nina Sky- "Time to go".
So...I went through day 3 of my went horrible. I ended up eating some cantaloupe and this chicken patty thingy. It's now day 4 and so far so good. Even though it's almost 9:00am here.

I was supposed to go out with my homegirl yesterday...well last night but she never called. We were gonna go out to a club. But oh well. I guess it's okay. I don't need to go out.....I'm too damn ugly as it is!!!

I spoke to my ex...he had called me when he was on a cig break. He also called me when he was off of work but I was on the phone. I called him back and he was in the car smoking weed. I asked him if he was by himself and he said that he was gonna smoke with Star. After all that has happened between me and my ex...I don't believe him. He had asked me to call him in 5 min because he had another phone call. It's like 12 mid night and I guess he didn't feel like talking so I told him that I'll talk to him some other day and he was all like "You can't wait 5 min?" and I told him "I'm gonna go to bed. I was just calling you back" and I guess the person that was calling hung up or whatever...he had asked me what I was up to and I told him I had went to the store and just chilled at home. I guess the person was calling again because he told me to hold on and he had me on hold for a long period of time so I hung up. After 5 min I called and it rang like 3 times then he sent me to voice mail. I'm guessing he was talking to some other chick. Oh well.

I had went to the Bahamas on a business trip and while I was there I met this guy. He was cool and everything and he worked at a bar. I got free drinks and all that. We talked and it was make the long story short my last day at the Bahamas we chilled together and even though I told him that I was spoken for (my ex) he stole a kiss from me. Well, anyway....we kept in contact VIA internet....and after I had broken up with my ex I started to talk to him on the phone. I called him up last night to see how he was doing and he wants me to go and see him. He is willing to pay for the ticket. I also found out that he was expecting something in return. I'm not that type of girl and I told him that if he was expecting that from me he might as well save his money. Girls may call me stupid because not very female has a guy that is willing to fly her to the Caribbean's all expenses paid but it's not me. I won a free cruise to the Bahamas and I told him when I go on that cruise we can chill. I don't want him to fly me there now, because I know what his intentions are. Another example of a guy that uses his Dick as a brain.
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Thursday, November 3rd, 2005

Subject:Day 3
Time:11:58 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:Kriz Y Angel- Ven Bailalo.
So far so good today. It's lunch time and I have yet to eat anything. It's day 3 of my fast and I will keep fasting until I can anymore. I want to do this until the end of the month. I know that when Turkey Day arrives I'll have to break my fast and eat but I will restrict myself.

I was talking to my best friend yesterday....I was thinking about her so I called her up and she was at the movies. She was crying when we talked because her boyfriend has been ignoring her. They have been together for 4 years and from the beginning she told him that she is a virgin and that she wants to stay like that until she is married....well they have been together for this long and he proposed to her on prom. She said yes. They are both in college but they are in different ones so they are about 6-8 hours away from eachother and he has been bugging her about when they will have sex. To make the long story short he told her "would you rather I get it from someone else?" and she told him "you know how I feel and I can't do this until I'm married" so now he keeps ignoring her when she calls and he never calls her back.....why are guys like this???? At times I really feel that all men are the same....I haven't some across to one that is different yet. That just makes me so mad!!!

It's so hard being ANA. Not many people can understand what it is to have this. They think we choose to be this way...will it ever end?

As for me and my ex....I need to just let it go. I need to focus on my life...he hurt me so bad. I am basically scarred. I'm gonna have to tell him that we need to keep our relationship as just friends and nothing more. He may not like that but I can't keep feeling depressed.
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Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

Time:8:41 pm.
Mood: angry.
Music:Mo Thugs- It's all good.
OMG i'm such a freakin failure!!!!!!!!! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm trying to fast and I end up eating like crazy! Ugh...I had like 5 grapes, 4pisces of cauliflower, 1 crystal light drink, and apple with peanut butter, and some water melon. What kind of shit is that? I can't even fast. I will never see results if I keep going at this rate.

I had a really good time with my ex last night. We went out and stuff. I miss him. He cheated on me with some chick. He is 23 and I'm 19. He cheated on me with a 17 year old. I treated him like gold. I thought that everything was going well. His family loves me and I love them. His mother always called me her Daughter in Law. It was a really bad break up....the night I was in the hospital she was over there at his house having sex with him. I found out because she called me and told me....I could barely even walk...I went into my car and drove to his house and saw her car parked right broke my heart. I gave him my virginity...even though he doesn't know that. I hate him. I don't think I could ever forgive him. But then again....I still sleep with him.....and in the back of my mind I think to myslef "what if he is still seeing her and sleeping with her?" I feel discusted. It really hurts...even while I write this tears come down my face. This might sound crazy but at times I just want to make him feel the pain I feel. I want him to just hurt like I hurt.......This morning...when we woke up....I slept with him again......Dammit why do I love him??????
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Subject:My First Post
Time:2:47 pm.
Mood: okay.
Okay....Well, today was an okay day. I spent the night at my Ex's house. We are friends....more like friends with really sux. I'm so confused about that.

I've been fasting all day. I had negative cal foods. I really need to loose this weight. Ugh I feel so ugly!

Last night I went to this Bar/Club with my ex....I'm only 19 and they didn't even check for ID's....I was pretty tipsy by the time we left. We didn't really stay there long and I had a Long Island Iced Tea. After that we went and played pool. Then we went to his house and chilled....watched some TV. And well....some other things went down that I'm not too proud of. I was lonely...I'm still lonely...and I guess it can get the best of you at times.

I hope I don't go off and eat like crazy at work today. I have to keep up with my fast. It's Day 2 and I'm trying to go for as long as I can with out getting dizzy or passing out.
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Blurty for Welcome To My World.

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