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mood |
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music |
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All Or Nothing: Josh Gracin |
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*sighs* I won't be around for a while after tonight. Maybe a little bit tomorrow too. Who knows. Anyway, I'm going to DE to see Pop Pop. Yes *grumbles* I really am going this time. You guys can miss me if you want to. I mean if you think about me. If you feel like it. If you want to.
I realized something today. That...I'm watching my best friend slip away. Honestly. I truly believe that I'm losing her just like I lost them. Because the day he's not important to me or the day I'm completely over him, or if she is first, then what are we left with? Truly. That's all we talk about. That's our life. And that's our life together too. I don't want to watch her fade away. I've lost too many damn people, and I just feel like truly now should be the end of that.
So, I've decided that I'm not letting anyone new in my life. I don't need any new people. I don't need anyone anymore. I really dont. Everyones just going to leave me anyway. I can be alone. It's what I do best.
Do you know whats sad? When my mom says " Won't You Quit Doing That To Your Arm?", but doesn't realize that I hadn't done it for a whole month and two weeks. And because she doesn't notice she doesn't realize, that something must of really upset me for me to have them, if I messed up when I was doing so good. But no. She doesn't understand. No one does. Becky asked today, " Tonia, are you trying to give yourself a tattoo?" I wanted to try and explain it to her, but she's little and she won't understand. I don't think I want her to. I don't know how to tell a little girl whose so beautiful, and so perfect, and unflawed and happy.. " I do this to myself baby, because I can't deal with pain in a normal way, and I have to take it out on myself." What if Becky starts thinking thats what she needs to do? That would kill me. I'm her big sister. I'm her protector. I'd give anything and everything for either one of those damn kids, and anyone who knows me knows that. But the question is, can I honestly? If I can't even protect myself, how can I do it for them? Maybe I don't love them as much as I should.
The scariest thing ever is when today I realized, I'm never going to get married. I'm never going to be able to date. I can't do it. I can't do it. Why? Because I'm never going to be able to love someone. I'm honestly not. Becase they will never be him, never be what he was to me, and never ever compare to him. And that sucks. I dont want to be alone. But Im thinking I'm going to have to.
I don't think I love anyone anymore. I really don't. Hearing people tell me they love me now is annyoing. What is love anyway? Why do people feel it? All it really is, is hurt and pain in disguise. Yeah, that's it. Anyway maybe I need to just shut up now. I guess you all can tell I'm not really in a perfect mood tonight.
I'd do anything to hold you,
I'd go anywhere to touch you,
I'd do anything you want me to,
If you'll just stay with me awhile.
I'd sing any song your heart desires,
I would sing out loud of love's sweet fires,
Oh I'd do all this and so much more,
If you'll just stay with me awhile.
Reach out your hand,
Oh to me,
Oh, I'm falling,
One minute more,
I'm falling,
I'm falling,
Won't you just stay with me awhile?
~*~ Friends, best friends, are the most important thing in life.~*~ Fried Green Tomatos
~*~ A heart can be broken- but it beats all the same.~*~ Fried Green Tomatos
~*~ My lips may promise, but my hearts a whore.~*~ Nine Inch Nails
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