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[25 Mar 2003|04:39pm] |
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mood |
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reminiscent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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O-town - I Showed Her |
] |
One year. That's all I was given. One year to understand the full circle of love. The way it overtakes your body; consumes you, owns you. He is your everything and you know nothing else. At all. The day starts with him and ends with him. Only him. There will be fights, aches and pains so sharp it takes your breath away. But it's all worth it. Because at the end of the day, you still know he loves you. I learned all that in one year. One tiny year of the many I'll live.
One year. One year to deal with the realization and suffering that comes with loss. How do you make your heart understand your mind when it tells you he's not coming back? How do you let go of a love so strong you'd die without a moments hesitation for him? But most of all, how do you push away the mind numbing pain in your heart because you aren't sure he ever truly loved you? You don't.
I'm crazy. That's a given. But, he's honestly not gone. I've seen his face so many times I've got each scar, each line, everything memorized. I've felt his touch. His hands, soft and gentle on my face. His long fingers laced through mine or brushing across my lips. His arms wrapped around me holding me tight. I don't have to see those things, I don't have to see him, to feel him. I don't. His voice? Low and raspy. His words? My name or his belief in me.
So what does that leave me with? I'm not sure. I still don't understand. I still have a broken heart. The pain of loving someone who doesn't exist? No pains greater. He- well I don't know exactly. Ghost? No. He's not dead. *wince* Illusion? No. He's real. *wince* Figment of my imagination? No. For one, I'm not the only one whose seen him or knows he's there. For two- Jen's. Figment of Jen's imagination. *wince*
What have I learned? It's worth it. To feel pain. To have pain so strong that you swear your dead inside. To be left alone with a heart that's never going to mend. It's worth it. Because hearing him say your name, or feeling his touch cancels all that pain.
Would I change anything? Hell yes. Having him here in actuality would be nice. But more than anything, anything at all I want to know he truly loved me. And believe it. I want to believe it.
And with that said-
There's only one man in the world.
Love Always,
DoRk A$$
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