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music |
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Time and Time Again: Papa Roach |
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http://quiz.visibletears.com" target="_blank">
which song describes you the best?
Ow. That was one of me and "Erik's' songs, so I figured I'd add that one here.
I haven't had much to say. I felt overwhelmed, and I knew I was going to lose it. And that I did. My " prettiful" count is up again, but that's okay. I did what I had to do. I feel slightly better now you know? Like, I just have to do what my Jakey says and say NO to the problems. NO don't push that at me. NO, don't make me deal with that. NO that's too much your pushing at me. Just NO. I can't please everyone. I can't make everyone happy that's not my job. As much as sometimes I belive it is, it's not. *sighs* Right now, I have Jake. Thank you Jake. Somehow someway, your fixing all this madness.
You wanted an explanation for why I don't like hearing Jenika say the name Eric. Or why it hurts soo much. I will explain that now. I think I'm ready for that to be part of my journal, and besides, today is a day when I'm really, feeling the loss. Jacob, my dear beautiful Jacob. ( I called you beautiful HAHA!!!!) it hurts because I too once had an Erik. He was beautiful. He was perfect. He was awesome. He was everything I wanted, and everything I knew I didn't deserve. He was ' Erik- Michael'. Or so I was lead to believe. I know..you'd stop me right about here. You heard this story before. So many people fall for....*winces at the word* posers...and get hurt. You live you learn. That's true. You do. Don't believe everything people tell you. Don't believe something just because you want it to be true. Don't have internet relationships. The list could go on I know. I don't expect your pity, Jake. For one, you're not even... JAKE..so it's not like, you have...any real feelings on that. ( No offense man, I hope you know what I'm trying to say) You're part of the game, and I love that. That you could convey him, and portray him in such a way. You're believable. To me at least. Anyway, I know I must be crazy. For falling in love with " Erik" like that. But I couldn't help it. My heart didn't listen to my mind, and at the time I thought my heart knew best. A year and a half of my life. I can't say I wasted it. I was so damn happy. I thought, finally this is it. I can be me, and be happy, and be beautiful, and someone loves me. Someone didn't. Someone wasn't real. So where does, this equal out to Jenika. She was Erik. And Ashley, and Jacob, and all the rest of the bunch. She has no appologies, no regrets. She didn't like herself so she became someone else. * Nods* sounds like a good idea to me. I mean, mind you I think we all could be someone else sometimes. But, she hurt me, and other people. It seems almost intentional you know. Maybe it was *shrugs* I don't know, and I couldn't begin to guess. All I know is it's been since August. And I'm slightly better. Some days I don't miss him as much. But other days, I forget that he's not real. I'll begin to wonder, I wonder what Baby My Baby is doing today. Where he is, how he is. Who he's with. Then my memory seems to kick in, and more than anything I've hurt myself by forgetting. That's the story Jacob. I hope somewhere in that, you don't see how stupid I was, and what a mistake I made, but how much in love with him I was, and how much this is hurting me.
So with all that out of me now, I have been thinking about Erik, again. And I have a few things I want to post to 'him' or about him. Just bare with me ya'll I think this will help me.
Letting GO :
They say it's for the best,
If I just let you go,
But I think before I do,
There's something should know.
We ended something special,
With too much hurt and pain,
We started off as a couple,
Now only one remains.
You'll love someone new,
Someone perfect like you,
And though it hurts too badly now,
Someday I will too.
You will feel better,
And I will be jaded,
But the sun shines somewhere out there,
Where ours got dark and faded.
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They say that there are no such things as miracles, but I don't believe that. Because if they don't exist, you wouldn't either. You're very much alive, and you're very much a part of me. There is no exact definition of the word perfect, but I see one every time I see you. Perfect, if not competely, if not wholey, then perfect to me.
Thank you. For beautiful music. For a moment of happiness in hours of pain. For a reason to live, for smiles, amd for the belief that someone out there could care for me. You are my inspiration. An angel sent from heaven, maybe not just for me, but the way I look at it; out of all the angels in the world, out of all the shinging stars, that fell from the glittering sky, I'm glad your mine. So thank you. Thank you for being you.
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We have shared a hundred life times,
Bittersweet but ever fond,
Through enternity, I'll love thee,
Til forever and beyond.
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Okay, I think I'm done for today. That was really draining. But it felt good to get it out. Jacob, I hope you realize, I just told you more than anyone. I hope you see something in me, or something in that , that no one else does. Maybe you won't think it's my fault.
I gotta jett ( That's Miss Jackson if your nasty)
Love,
DoRk-AsS
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