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Free Bird: Authur McCuller |
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* WriTtEn YeStErDaY*
Yes Jake, I know the words are " You and I, are out looking for the same thing."; but right now I don't feel that way. I really don't. B-t-w, I love your journal. Please keep updating. :)
Which Britney are you? Find out!
Erin talked to me a lot about the way I am and things. She thinks this journal will help. I do too. I need to be able to be me, and not be afraid of that. Not worry about the things I can or cannot say. I should be allowed to feel what I feel.
I'm scared of myself. Jason said that tonight, and I think he's right. I'm scared of myself. I'm not sure if I'm scared of who I am, or if I'm scared of who I'm not. If that makes sense.
I'm so damn unhappy with everything. Mind you, I'm not ungreatful. I'm very thankful that I have a roof over my head and I have food to eat. But still, I'm unhappy. I can't find any sort of happiness. It seems like everything I do, is nothing really,and I'll pretend to be happy for someone else.
Right now- I feel hurt. Above anything else I feel hurt. Sara hurt me. " Other people have problems too." Duh sara. I know that. If anyone knows that it's me. I've spent years of my life lbeing there and listening. That's what I was put here for. To help. My mom seems to agree with Sara. Well, in the words of Jacob, FUCK THAT, my mom doesn't know me anymore. God forbid somethings wrong with me for once.
JP says he loves me. I hear that , you know? I hear him. I guess I believe him. I say it back . And I do ya know? But this doesn't feel right. Because sooner or later, I'll get scared. I'll get scared and I'll run. I don't want to do that but I will.
I'm carrying a lot in me. I carry a lot of baggage and push it away like it's nothing. I don't want to have to do that anymore. So let me try. I barely know Vannah anymore, and that scares me. Shay, I don't think she needs me anymore cause I can't help. Becky has to have an ultra sound. I have a bad feeling about that. My dad thinks I don't love him or I hate him. I don't. I don't want my mom to marry Gary. I love Gary, don't get me wrong, I just don't want them to get married.
I miss Jake and Erik SO DAMN MUCH!! You truly have no idea what it's like to love someone who doesn't exist. Damn it, I feel like part of me is missing. I don't think I can live without them. You want to know true love? What I felt for Erik.
I can say I'm slightly better. My " prettiful" count is down. 16. And then a big RY on my arm. And a huge ass RY on my thigh. I like it though. It's probably my favorite. These are from at least a week ago, so I'm better. Write later.
~PuNk 4 LiFe~
Love,
DoRk- AsS
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