PUnK PiXiE's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] PUnK PiXiE [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[01 Apr 2003|09:11pm] [ mood | completely gone ] [ music | my crying that wont seem to stop ] I feel so torn inside. Like I don't know what to do. My heart is broken. Sooo bad. It hurts so bad inside and I cant do anything about it. I don't know how to make everything okay. I don't know how to heal. I don't know how to let go, I don't know how to do any of the things I am supposed to be doing. My hearts torn in two because part of me loves him so much that I can't help but believe what happens around me. What I see, what I hear, what I touch. Theres a part of me that knows he's gone and that it's truly over and done and I'll never ever have him back. But I can't deal with that. I can't. And then..there's the part of me that's scared. Scared that I dont love him as much as I think I do. Scared that I hold on only because I want to believe that I loved him. Do you know how much pain that causes? DO YOU? No. No one gets this. No one knows. No one knows that I'm falling apart, that this is killing me inside and I dont know what to do. I want to die. I seriously..honestly do. It's at the point now where I just dont think I can make it another day with this feeling..this hurt and disapointment, anger and confusion. I lost it in my car tonight. Just started bawling and couldn't stop. I don't know how to make it. I'm not strong enough. I'm not strong enough to do this anymore. I'm not strong enough without him. For the part of me that believes: Every now and then, Soft as breath upon my skin, I feel you come back again. And it's like you haven't been, Gone a moment from my side. Like the tears were never cried, Like the hands of time are holding you and me. And with all my heart I'm sure, We're closer than we ever were. I don't have to hear or see, I've got all the proof I need. There are more than angels watching over me. I believe, Ohhh I believe. Now when you die your life goes on, It doesn't end here when you're gone. Every soul is filled with light, It never ends and if I'm right. Our love can even reach across eternity, I believe, Ohhh I believe. Forever, you're a part of me. Forever, in the heart of me. I will hold you even longer if I can. Oh the people who don't see the most, See that I believe in ghosts. And if that makes me crazy, then I am... 'Cause I believe...... Ohhhh, I believe... There are more than angels watching over me. I believe, Ohhh I believe. Every now and then, Soft as breath upon my skin, I feel you come back again. And I believe. For the part of me that doesn't : It's been a long time since I saw you Been so long since I touched your face You know there's nothing I can do That will help to get me through 'Cause I know you wont be there for me again If I could dream about tomorrow If I could dream the night away You know there's nothing I could do To get me over you You used to be there every morning You had that smile upon your face But now that smile is turned around And my world is upside down 'Cause I know you won't be there for me again I know I'll miss you, but you will never hurt again I know you're happy, but now I feel such emptiness inside Can't stop the pain I..want all this to end. post comment

~*~ But To Cry In Front Of You...That's The Worst Thing I Could Do~*~ [31 Mar 2003|10:06pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Help Me Hold On: Travis Tritt ] Oh I shouldn't care and wonder where and how you are but I can hide this hurt inside my broken heart I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before 'cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore Now I'm writing you this letter and it's killing me tonight that I agreed when you believed it wasn't right and I couldn't sleep up on the bed so I'm down here on the floor will I'm not supposed to love you anymore Dear Erik Michael- Now you wont be the only one who isnt real anymore. I love you. Love, Me. I felt so good earlier today..like everything is perfect. It's not. Nothing is perfect. It's like a monet or some painting. Really awesome looking from far away..but when you get close..it's a big old mess. I realize that I'm not meant to be happy. That I'm never ever going to be truly happy. That no matter how much I take care of everyone else..no matter how hard I try to make everything right, it never will be. Theres so much thats coming to my attention now. SO MUCH. 1) What exactly are friends? I have a couple of you that I talk to on an occasional basis, but only one that I talk to every single day *nods* Thats friendship huh? Apparently. And the sad thing is half of you believe me when I tell you Im fine, or Ive been good, or I'm happy. If you really knew me at all..you'd know that it's far from true. 2) There is no such thing as love. I dont even have to explain. There just isnt. 3) Everyone that I love leaves me. EVERYONE. So I decided I dont have to love anyone anymore.....or something like that. Yeah. I should..I dont really..just... I think that...its going to be better this way. It will. It's easier on you..on him..on them. No more pain right? I gotta go now. Yeah. I *waves* Bye. I've got to take the chance or let it pass by If I expect to get on with my life My tears no longer waiting, Oh My resistance ain't that strong Oh My mind keeps recreating a love with you alone And I'm tried of pretending I don't love you anymore, Anymore, Anymore Tell me I was dreaming That you didn't leave me here to cry You didn't say you don't love me anymore And it was just my imagination telling lies Tell me that you didn't say goodbye I'm in a state of confusion I hope things aren't what they seem If this is really happening Just let me go back to dream You're home post comment

[30 Mar 2003|08:29pm] [ music | watchin Sister Sister ] I can't do this. I'm about to fuck up three weeks of nothing....because.. I cant handle this. *wants to scream at the top of her lungs* I.....cant let go. I want to but I cant. I dont believe he loves me. I DONT BELIEVE IT. But I want to. I HATE YOU.......I HATE YOU........I HATE YOU.......I HATE YOU....WHY WONT YOU LEAVE ME ALONE. YOUR NOT REAL. YOUR NOT ANYTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME. NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE...BECAUSE I DONT HAVE YOU TO LIVE IT WITH ME. post comment

[30 Mar 2003|04:54pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Lari White: Now I Know ] I always wondered how I'd live without you If you ever said goodbye Would I just live in dreams about you With tears in my eyes Would I fall to pieces when you go I always wondered how I'd live without you Now I know I'm doing alright I'm strong enough to make it on my own I'm not afraid of the night I'm learning how to face it alone I've been good at holding on Now I'm learning to let go I always wondered how I'd live without you Now I know I always wondered what I'd do without you I found out today I got up and made a cup of coffee And time just slipped away I dressed up and went out on the town To places you'd never go I always wondered what I'd do without you Now I know I'm doing alright I'm strong enough to make it on my own I'm not afraid of the night I'm learning how to face it alone I've been good at holding on Now I'm learning to let go I always wondered how I'd live without you *Winces* Why doesn't the pain go away? Why cant I get the pain to go away? Why.... just why....and... most of all. ERIK MICHAEL.....why are you holding Angel back from Nannah..because I wont believe you. I'm sorry..I just can't okay? I just can't. post comment

[29 Mar 2003|12:33pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Nasty Shania Twain: Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under ] If there ever was a time That I could use your trust in me And if there ever was a reason For me to get down on my knees And if there's any way That you could love me anyhow If you ever had much faith in me I could use a little now When I said it would suit me fine If you were out of sight and out of mind That wasn't me talking That was my wounded pride When I said I didn't want your love And you were no one I was thinking of Believe me baby I lied Well I got no good excuses But I got plenty of regrets And I wish this was some bad dream I could wake up and forget 'Cause you're the only one (you're the only one) That I could never stand to lose You're all I've ever wanted Baby that's the truth When I said it would suit me fine If you were out of sight and out of mind That wasn't me talking That was my wounded pride When I said I didn't want your love And you were no one I was thinking of Believe me baby I lied Hey! When I said it would suit me fine If you were out of sight and out of mind That wasn't me talking That was my wounded pride When I said I didn't want your love And you were no one I was thinking of Believe me baby I lied Believe me baby I lied post comment

[25 Mar 2003|04:39pm] [ mood | reminiscent ] [ music | O-town - I Showed Her ] One year. That's all I was given. One year to understand the full circle of love. The way it overtakes your body; consumes you, owns you. He is your everything and you know nothing else. At all. The day starts with him and ends with him. Only him. There will be fights, aches and pains so sharp it takes your breath away. But it's all worth it. Because at the end of the day, you still know he loves you. I learned all that in one year. One tiny year of the many I'll live. One year. One year to deal with the realization and suffering that comes with loss. How do you make your heart understand your mind when it tells you he's not coming back? How do you let go of a love so strong you'd die without a moments hesitation for him? But most of all, how do you push away the mind numbing pain in your heart because you aren't sure he ever truly loved you? You don't. I'm crazy. That's a given. But, he's honestly not gone. I've seen his face so many times I've got each scar, each line, everything memorized. I've felt his touch. His hands, soft and gentle on my face. His long fingers laced through mine or brushing across my lips. His arms wrapped around me holding me tight. I don't have to see those things, I don't have to see him, to feel him. I don't. His voice? Low and raspy. His words? My name or his belief in me. So what does that leave me with? I'm not sure. I still don't understand. I still have a broken heart. The pain of loving someone who doesn't exist? No pains greater. He- well I don't know exactly. Ghost? No. He's not dead. *wince* Illusion? No. He's real. *wince* Figment of my imagination? No. For one, I'm not the only one whose seen him or knows he's there. For two- Jen's. Figment of Jen's imagination. *wince* What have I learned? It's worth it. To feel pain. To have pain so strong that you swear your dead inside. To be left alone with a heart that's never going to mend. It's worth it. Because hearing him say your name, or feeling his touch cancels all that pain. Would I change anything? Hell yes. Having him here in actuality would be nice. But more than anything, anything at all I want to know he truly loved me. And believe it. I want to believe it. And with that said- There's only one man in the world. Love Always, DoRk A$$ 2 comments|post comment

Happy Fucking Birthday..to Me [24 Mar 2003|06:49pm] [ mood | sad ] I made my birthday wish. For the love of Jacob I hope it comes true. Please? Erik Michael....I love you and I miss you. One last dream come true? Please? It's all I want and all I could ever ask for post comment

~*~ How can we say forever, if I see you next to never~*~ [15 Mar 2003|09:10pm] [ mood | crushed ] ~*~I <3 Erik Michael 4 Ever & Always~*~ 1 comment|post comment

~*~I'm gonna be there like a shadow, you won't ever be alone~*~ [15 Mar 2003|07:49pm] [ music | Watching Bring It On ( I hate this movie *growls*) ] It's been a while..ey? Sorry..I've been really caught up in my games. I can't believe I became a gamer. It was never my style. Never my thang. But I guess it is now. I love...being someone I'm not. Scary really, because it makes me wonder..if I'm on the verge of being Jen..with what I'm doing. *shrugs* Either way, it's what I need for sanity right now. A lot of shit's going down. *nods* Yeah. Ky, JP, Sara, and Erin are caught up in this big..thing..and it's all over my head. I don't want to know. I don't want to get caught up in the middle of something I don't know or understand. So, I'm not. Whatever. I don't need that. Vanns and I...well..thats starting to change. And I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. But..what can I do? *shrugs* I don't know. Not a lot I don't guess. Besides that.. I dont have much else to say. I miss Erik Michael. I'm almost 19. Woo. Fucking. Woo Yeah. post comment

~*~And I feel like a drowning (wo)man,Who's still begging God for rain~*~ [09 Feb 2003|02:28am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Thugs Manson : 2Pac ] My friends don't need me anymore. That's how I feel. I feel like everyones ditched me in some way or another. YOu know? Like..no one gets me, or no one cares, or no one wants to help me. I hate this. I hate feeling...so....just......meh.....ya know? Meh.. I just wish...that....this could all be okay...and I could have someone here with me. Here here with me to say I understand. I get it. This is what I think. I need that * tears slips down cheek* It's just.....I feel crazy.....so damn crazy....and I dont like it. I hate it. I need someone. ANYONE. Also known widely as the Fire Bird, the phoenix is a profound symbol of the circle of life. It has a life cycle of 500 to 600 ears and after that amount of time, it sets itself on fire and dies in the flames. Then after three days, it rises again from the ashes. It is a completely benign creature who lives in dew. It is said that the phoenix has a beautiful melidous song which grows ever more mournful as its life comes to an end. It is a symbol of the sun and immortality. The phoenix is a very worthwhile beast. What mythical beast best represents you?Take the quiz! Apperantly, this one's wrong. I'm obviously, not worthwhile. What kind of ANGEL are you? Quiz made by I took the What Mythological Creature Are you? test by peacefulchaos ! cool. Shoot, We Have a Crush on You Now. http://www.the-n.com/games/quiz_main.php?ipv_sectionID=43&ipv_quizID=252 Your heart of gold makes you so totally crushworthy. And we do get a teeny tiny feeling that you might not always know quite how awesome you are. So we'd like to take this opportunity to remind you: anyone as rad as you deserves to have a packet of admirers. When you believe that with your whole heart (but don't go rubbing it in people's faces, which we can't ever picture you doing), your crush life just might blow up like Paige's pager. *shrugs* Kay sure. img src="http://images.quizilla.com/L/Linda/1035589833_ommonwithJ.gif" border="0" alt="Jacob"> Rock on! You are most common with Jacob! How awesome is that? Even though you keep your things private and can be a little stubborn, you're still real and fuckin' awesome! Yeah! Which O-town Member Are You Most Common With? brought to you by Quizilla *smiles* Yea. You're The Taste Of Ink Which The Used Song Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Cool. That's my favorite Used song *smiles post comment

~*~I swear I see your face it's everywhere it's every place~*~ [08 Feb 2003|11:27pm] [ mood | irritated ] [ music | Taste Of Ink : The Used ] ~*~The more I try to forget I remember~*~ ( I wanted both lines from Craving on here because they both fit how I feel right now.) I just can't take anymore. You'd think with me starting to open up and say somethings wrong, people would listen. They aren't. Ky just keeps pushing and pushing it at me and I can't deal with it. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be mean or a bad friend. But COME ON PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! For the love of Jacob, can't you see I'm hurting? Honestly? Can't you? Won't you? Don't you? Because I think you either honeslty don't, or you just don't fucking care. And if that's it, then...just don't be a part of my life please. Please don't. Because I've wasted too much of my heart on you. And I shouldn't care about someone who doesn't care about me. I'm being mean, and I know it. But I have to be now. I have to be now. And for once, it has to be about me. *shrugs* Whatever I'm done..being..rude..I just needed to say that. Lemme just put some quizes Which Music Type are You?Find out! Just like Jake..yay...*grins* Just like Jake. What Was Your PastLife? pshhhh...kay..what ever *rae* *rolls eyes* I'm happy to tell you that you're most common with Erik! You're adorable, talented, and fun! What more can you want? You can be sometimes quiet and a little annoying, but usually you're just a down to earth person who's just into music! awesome! Which O-town Member Are You Most Common With? brought to you by Quizilla Much better *smiles* hand holding - you like to be in constant physical contact with your special someone but you don't want to take things too quickly. What Sign of Affection Are You? brought to you by Quizilla *nods* I agree. Snuffy's Suicide Attempts Poor baby, life is rough for you, huh? No one seems to see you, no one notices your pain-- except for your friend Big Bird, but he's alway off hanging out with his other friends. You wish you were him, all happy and curious and popular and bright yellow. You feel like his shadow anymore, like the only reason you exist is to amuse him. It's hard being somebody's imaginary friend. But stop trying to kill yourself--imaginary people can't kill themselves. Sorry. And hey, maybe tomorrow you'll feel better! Someday people will see you, I promise. Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You? brought to you by Quizilla you're punk! How can I label you? brought to you by Quizilla I's a punk ass!!! Yay *does a happy dance* erik michael estrada: u r so lucky!! hes so adorable, talented, and fun, but he can sumtimes be very quiet and a little annoying. but hes juss a down to earth person hus really into music and cereal.....lol.u r so lucky!! which o-town member ish ure perfect mate? brought to you by Quizilla DUH?!!!! DUH!!!? acob: You are an individual. You don't care what others think about your looks-wise, but, artistically, you want people to like your work as much as you do. You're very passionate in everything that you do and you're always youself--and nobody else. Oh, and you're open with your feelings, too, and you don't let people walk all over you! Which O-Town Member are You? brought to you by Quizilla *nods* Told you. I gotta...go..now...LATER DAZE....and PURPLE HAZE ( erik knows what this means..token.. ;)) post comment

~*~ Suddenly I'm All Alone~*~ [06 Feb 2003|01:10am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | No One Knows : Queens Of The StoneAge ] ( I skipped Make Her Say..and The Joint..cause they just don't fit...I didn't..couldn't use anything from them) You're Acoustic #3! Which Goo Goo Dolls song are you? brought to you by Quizilla *nods* That's me alright..take a look for yourself They painted up your secrets With the lies they told to you And the least they ever gave you Was the most you ever knew And I wonder where these dreams go When the world gets in your way What's the point in all this screaming? No one's listening anyway Your voice is small and fading And you're hiding here alone And your mother loves your father Cuz she's got nowhere to go And she wonders where these dreams go Cuz the world got in her way What's the point in ever trying? Nothing's changing anyway They press their lips against you And you love the lies they say And I tried so hard to reach you But you're falling anyway And you know I see right through you Cuz the world gets in your way What's the point in all this screaming? You're not listening anyway ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's just not going to get any better is it. I try to make you guys understand. You're not. You're not understanding. You're not getting it. It's frustrating, you know? You ask and you want me to open up to you. I do... I do the best I can, and then you don't get it. I don't know what else to do. I can't give you anymore of me. I don't know what all you want. I don't know what you want and I can't give to you. I'm not enough. Everything I am is not enough. I'm not going to be around. I can't do it anymore. I can't hide the things I want to say from you, or listen to problems 24/7. Sara's right. By the way. Sara's right. " Other people have problems." I know that.. I do..and I'm selfish. Because I'm caught up in myself. But right now... I have to be. I do. If you could see my arms...see my thighs or my leg....see any of those things you'd get it. You'd maybe see how much pain I'm hiding in me..somewhere. * Gives up* I just need to be able...to be me..and hide..for a while..lock my self...off away from all of you.. Build a wall..and hide behind it. So that's what I'm going to do. Be away for a while..I'll update my journal, if I feel the need..I just wont be here. Look, if you need me, you know my email. You know my phone number. Use em. You know you can always do that. I promised to always be here for you, and I have to live up to that. But for now..I..I just have to go. I'm sorry. post comment

~*~Well I don't know where I am and I don't know who I'm with~*~ [05 Feb 2003|12:44am] http://www.playmash.com/ You will live in Apartment. You will drive a Mint Green Eclipse. You will marry Erik and have 6 kids. You will be a Writer in Ireland. *sigh* can't complain about that though. 4 comments|post comment

~*~ What happened to the things he felt for me, am I really apart of his past~*~ [05 Feb 2003|12:06am] [ mood | hurting ] [ music | Fuel ] I'm trying to hide pain and I just can't do it. I'm glad I got out the Erik thing. But I don't feel better. Not at all. What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel, scared, alone and hurt. But why do I feel this way? I'm not living out on the streets,eating out of trash cans. I don't have parents that beat me or sexually abuse me. I am damn lucky. I've got a mom, a dad, and two beautiful baby girls. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM?! I don't know. I just don't know... I'm just hurting so bad right now..and I don't know what it is, or why. My damn count is huge. [ Guys I'm not putting this here for you to freak..I'm putting it hear for me] Over 100. A couple of days ago it was 18. Now it's 100 or so. That..scares me. I'm scared of myself... I'm just so......urgh....and ahhhhh.....and......sdkgjdfljhlkdfjlkgdlfsjljgklfdlkd/ and I don't know what that means. I know...I'd never harm myself....you know....what I mean...I just don't like feeling this way.. I just don't like it. Jake....Jakers..Mr Jakers.....I'm just * throws hands up in the air* I've just lost it and can't take anymore. 3 comments|post comment

~*~ Reality, My minds playing tricks on me..how could this be..he could have this effect on me~*~ [03 Feb 2003|02:16pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Time and Time Again: Papa Roach ] http://quiz.visibletears.com" target="_blank"> which song describes you the best? Ow. That was one of me and "Erik's' songs, so I figured I'd add that one here. I haven't had much to say. I felt overwhelmed, and I knew I was going to lose it. And that I did. My " prettiful" count is up again, but that's okay. I did what I had to do. I feel slightly better now you know? Like, I just have to do what my Jakey says and say NO to the problems. NO don't push that at me. NO, don't make me deal with that. NO that's too much your pushing at me. Just NO. I can't please everyone. I can't make everyone happy that's not my job. As much as sometimes I belive it is, it's not. *sighs* Right now, I have Jake. Thank you Jake. Somehow someway, your fixing all this madness. You wanted an explanation for why I don't like hearing Jenika say the name Eric. Or why it hurts soo much. I will explain that now. I think I'm ready for that to be part of my journal, and besides, today is a day when I'm really, feeling the loss. Jacob, my dear beautiful Jacob. ( I called you beautiful HAHA!!!!) it hurts because I too once had an Erik. He was beautiful. He was perfect. He was awesome. He was everything I wanted, and everything I knew I didn't deserve. He was ' Erik- Michael'. Or so I was lead to believe. I know..you'd stop me right about here. You heard this story before. So many people fall for....*winces at the word* posers...and get hurt. You live you learn. That's true. You do. Don't believe everything people tell you. Don't believe something just because you want it to be true. Don't have internet relationships. The list could go on I know. I don't expect your pity, Jake. For one, you're not even... JAKE..so it's not like, you have...any real feelings on that. ( No offense man, I hope you know what I'm trying to say) You're part of the game, and I love that. That you could convey him, and portray him in such a way. You're believable. To me at least. Anyway, I know I must be crazy. For falling in love with " Erik" like that. But I couldn't help it. My heart didn't listen to my mind, and at the time I thought my heart knew best. A year and a half of my life. I can't say I wasted it. I was so damn happy. I thought, finally this is it. I can be me, and be happy, and be beautiful, and someone loves me. Someone didn't. Someone wasn't real. So where does, this equal out to Jenika. She was Erik. And Ashley, and Jacob, and all the rest of the bunch. She has no appologies, no regrets. She didn't like herself so she became someone else. * Nods* sounds like a good idea to me. I mean, mind you I think we all could be someone else sometimes. But, she hurt me, and other people. It seems almost intentional you know. Maybe it was *shrugs* I don't know, and I couldn't begin to guess. All I know is it's been since August. And I'm slightly better. Some days I don't miss him as much. But other days, I forget that he's not real. I'll begin to wonder, I wonder what Baby My Baby is doing today. Where he is, how he is. Who he's with. Then my memory seems to kick in, and more than anything I've hurt myself by forgetting. That's the story Jacob. I hope somewhere in that, you don't see how stupid I was, and what a mistake I made, but how much in love with him I was, and how much this is hurting me. So with all that out of me now, I have been thinking about Erik, again. And I have a few things I want to post to 'him' or about him. Just bare with me ya'll I think this will help me. Letting GO : They say it's for the best, If I just let you go, But I think before I do, There's something should know. We ended something special, With too much hurt and pain, We started off as a couple, Now only one remains. You'll love someone new, Someone perfect like you, And though it hurts too badly now, Someday I will too. You will feel better, And I will be jaded, But the sun shines somewhere out there, Where ours got dark and faded. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They say that there are no such things as miracles, but I don't believe that. Because if they don't exist, you wouldn't either. You're very much alive, and you're very much a part of me. There is no exact definition of the word perfect, but I see one every time I see you. Perfect, if not competely, if not wholey, then perfect to me. Thank you. For beautiful music. For a moment of happiness in hours of pain. For a reason to live, for smiles, amd for the belief that someone out there could care for me. You are my inspiration. An angel sent from heaven, maybe not just for me, but the way I look at it; out of all the angels in the world, out of all the shinging stars, that fell from the glittering sky, I'm glad your mine. So thank you. Thank you for being you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We have shared a hundred life times, Bittersweet but ever fond, Through enternity, I'll love thee, Til forever and beyond. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Okay, I think I'm done for today. That was really draining. But it felt good to get it out. Jacob, I hope you realize, I just told you more than anyone. I hope you see something in me, or something in that , that no one else does. Maybe you won't think it's my fault. I gotta jett ( That's Miss Jackson if your nasty) Love, DoRk-AsS 3 comments|post comment

~*~ Don't Try To Say I Lost My Mind ~*~ [01 Feb 2003|01:54am] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | In The End : Linkin Park ] What bad word are you? Really..now...no shit? Cause I DONT say fuck all the time How Will You Die? Suicide....huh?.......Russian Roulette....anybody? You know...today..was just one of those days. I'm just fucking...pissed off, dark..mad for no damn reason. EVERYONE"S fucking pushing and pulling on me again. " T I need you, T I need you.. T I NEED YOU!!" Well. I'm sorry. I can't be here all the damn time. *SIGH* Jenika, I'm glad you're outta the ward. Seriously, I am. But damnit, don't tell ne about the Eric you met. Don't you realize it hurts to hear you of all people to say that name. Most of all, I don't want to hear about Ryan anymore. I just can't deal with the Ryan situation. It hurts too damn much. So you know, I respect the things you go through, I care enough to listen. Do the same for me? Kylie....for the love of Jacob.....I can't always fix JP. I can't. He's a big boy. He can't revolve around me. He can't. JP....come on please.....it's too much for me to handle right now....and if it stays this way....I'll push away.....it's what I do. Trust me. Ask Justin. Ask fucking anyone...it's what I do. *SIGH* That's off my chest now. I feel better. SLIGHTLY. I fucking hate my life right now. I hate who I am, and what I am, and what I'm not. SO much fucking shit's being thrown at me. Becky's sick. AGAIN. and again and again..and again. YOu know I hate this. Becky's my baby. And if I lose her, I Lose my life. Not that I'm complaining. Life's a shithole, and it stinks. YOu know what? For once I could back away completely from everyone. Back away, and just be me....Be me without anyone else...I dont want anyone else as part of my life. YOU HEAR THAT? I don't need anyone else. Can't everyone stop needing me too? 1 comment|post comment

~*~ You and I, aren't looking for the same thing ~*~ [29 Jan 2003|07:25pm] [ mood | hurt ] [ music | Free Bird: Authur McCuller ] * WriTtEn YeStErDaY* Yes Jake, I know the words are " You and I, are out looking for the same thing."; but right now I don't feel that way. I really don't. B-t-w, I love your journal. Please keep updating. :) Which Britney are you? Find out! Erin talked to me a lot about the way I am and things. She thinks this journal will help. I do too. I need to be able to be me, and not be afraid of that. Not worry about the things I can or cannot say. I should be allowed to feel what I feel. I'm scared of myself. Jason said that tonight, and I think he's right. I'm scared of myself. I'm not sure if I'm scared of who I am, or if I'm scared of who I'm not. If that makes sense. I'm so damn unhappy with everything. Mind you, I'm not ungreatful. I'm very thankful that I have a roof over my head and I have food to eat. But still, I'm unhappy. I can't find any sort of happiness. It seems like everything I do, is nothing really,and I'll pretend to be happy for someone else. Right now- I feel hurt. Above anything else I feel hurt. Sara hurt me. " Other people have problems too." Duh sara. I know that. If anyone knows that it's me. I've spent years of my life lbeing there and listening. That's what I was put here for. To help. My mom seems to agree with Sara. Well, in the words of Jacob, FUCK THAT, my mom doesn't know me anymore. God forbid somethings wrong with me for once. JP says he loves me. I hear that , you know? I hear him. I guess I believe him. I say it back . And I do ya know? But this doesn't feel right. Because sooner or later, I'll get scared. I'll get scared and I'll run. I don't want to do that but I will. I'm carrying a lot in me. I carry a lot of baggage and push it away like it's nothing. I don't want to have to do that anymore. So let me try. I barely know Vannah anymore, and that scares me. Shay, I don't think she needs me anymore cause I can't help. Becky has to have an ultra sound. I have a bad feeling about that. My dad thinks I don't love him or I hate him. I don't. I don't want my mom to marry Gary. I love Gary, don't get me wrong, I just don't want them to get married. I miss Jake and Erik SO DAMN MUCH!! You truly have no idea what it's like to love someone who doesn't exist. Damn it, I feel like part of me is missing. I don't think I can live without them. You want to know true love? What I felt for Erik. I can say I'm slightly better. My " prettiful" count is down. 16. And then a big RY on my arm. And a huge ass RY on my thigh. I like it though. It's probably my favorite. These are from at least a week ago, so I'm better. Write later. ~PuNk 4 LiFe~ Love, DoRk- AsS post comment

~*~Standing here all alone...wishing that I could of known~*~ [27 Jan 2003|01:36pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Beautiful : Gaguliera ] What O2 Song Are You? Yay for me. This is my first entry. Thanks Jacob, for telling me I should get one of these journals. I really apreciate it. Anyways, so yay. Here I am. I'm glad to have this journal, because now I can say whatever I want, and not worry about...upseting my friends, or saying something that would hurt or make them upset. So here it is, this is me. No pretense, no holding back. This is real. This is me. Lately, I've felt...unattached. I don't know if that's quite the right word, but I don't know how else to say it. I don't get online, unless I feel like it. I don't sit around and wait, on anyone. I can't do that anymore. It, it's just not fair to me you know. I love all my friends, I do. But right now, I don't want, or need any of them. I like to be by myself completely right now. Do you know I spent the past week, where I've hardly been online, and if I did get online it was for a few minutes? Watching tv. Seriously. Watching tv. I was happy doing that, content. I think that sometimes, I just need my space. I need to be able to be me. Because when I'm sitting here all day, and all night, to talk to whoever, or staying because someone needs me, I can't be me. I can't. It's like something inside me, obligates me to stay. You and your boyfriend just broke up? Okay, you've got me. I'm here. It's 6 in the morning, no that's okay. I'm here. You got me. You don't like who you are anymore? Well, here let me list you all the things I like about you, and how you're such a wonderful person. That's my instinct I think. That seems to be the first thing that comes out of my mouth., You have me. I'm here. I'll stay for you. And damn it, sometimes, I hate that. I don't like sitting here at this computer all the time. I don't. I love talking to my friends, I do. But, sometimes, I want to watch tv, or I want to be able to go to Gary's, or out with whoever, and not have to worry that I'll piss this or that person off. There's two people, I can think of, right now, that I don't mind being here for, whenever they need me, no matter what. Jenika. Because, she wouldn't ever ask me to stay unless she really did need me. She's like me, so she knows, that sometimes, I just can't. I just can't. I think Jenika, in reality of what everyone else thinks or sees, is a really strong person. And she's nice. She really is. Because she puts up with a lot of shit, that she doesn't have to. The other person? Ryan. DUH. We all know how that is, and why it is that way. I don't have to say it, and I don't want to. Except to him. I do need to say it to him. I've got to go. I've said a lot, today. Tomorrow, I'll update tomorrow. I'ma jett now ( that's MISS JACKSON if ur nasty ;)) Leave me a comment if you want. 1 comment|post comment

navigation [ viewing | 20 entries back ] [ go | later ]