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because I fucking can [10 Jun 2003|10:34pm] [ mood | gffmjkg;lkfd;jlkgdf ] [ music | fd.lhkrel;lkj'pkrew54jpeky'pl ] God I fucking hate this. Feeling this way. Like everythings crashing down. Like my worlds falling apart. I wish I knew..WHERE THE HELL MY KNIFE IS AT. FUCK. Ya know? FUCK. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FUCK FUCK FUCK. Okay :sighs: cause making this post is so totally going to make me feel better : Rolls eyes: Riiggggght. \ post comment

~*~These Cuts I have They Need Love To Help Them Heal~*~ [27 May 2003|10:26pm] [ mood | reminiscent ] [ music | Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me : Clay Aiken ] Wow. It's been 5 months I do believe of me having this journal, today. 5 months. Wow. That feels like forever, though it doesn't seem that long. All I can keep thinking, as I look back through old entries, is how much I've grown in some ways, and in others how, I haven't changed at all. I've got a job now, and I work damn hard at it. I am paying for my car insurance. I can drive [to some extent]. I'm trying to get everything all situated and sorted out in my life, so that I can be me and live like I'm supposed to. I'm a whole hell of a lot more mature now. I had to grow up. When you lose someone you love the way that I did, you have to learn how to deal with things. When you watch someone's life fade away, you have to realize what life is about and what isn't. In those ways I've grown up as a person. Become a better person I think. But.... I'm still hurting. Really bad at times. And some days I wonder why I'm still here. But I deal with it. I'll get better I will. That's what I need to change I think. That's the part of me I still need to change. And with that, I think that these past months have been hard as hell, no fucking doubt about that...but I've grown. A lot. And I think that's the silver lining in pain...that the outcome allows you to see something in yourself that you may not of before. I wish I had a quiz or a lyrics for this entry...because I think that's kind of important..especially on a special marker...but I don't. So let me end this with... You can overcome it. You will. You have. You did. 1 comment|post comment

~*~ I See It In Your Eyes, That No Matter How I Try, I Just Cant Fix It This Time~*~ [22 May 2003|02:01am] [ mood | heartbroken ] [ music | Dont Let The Sun Go Down On Me: Clay Aiken ] :sighs deeply, a frown spread across her face, eyebrows furrowed, eyes brimming with tears: I don't even know how to find the words to say. I can't even begin to explain to you how my heart's broken all over again,or how bad it aches to know that it was out of my hands. I wanted this for him sooo badly. So, so badly. I know, I know. " You don't know him." or " He's still going to be rich and famous, Tonia." That's not what it's about. It's about the fact that he was MY CLAY. Someone I saw so much of myself. Someone who to others at first seemed like 'a dork' or 'not the next big thing.' Because that is me. I am those things, but I feel like somewhere inside of me, I have something to offer even if I don't know what it is. And I do know him...I know his heart and his soul. I DO. I've spent the past however many months watching him, taking him, getting to see him..his aura..the deepest darkest part of him. And besides, it's not about being rich and famous. It's about being rewarded, getting what you worked so hard and deserved. I love Ruben, don't get me wrong, but I feel like Clay was jibbed. Robbed. He's been my Clay since the very beginning. Even when other people thought he wasn't as good, or that he sounded bad. He was still my clay. I have so much faith in him. I believe in him. Why wasn't my faith...proven strong...My mom used to say believe and you shall recieve. I believed. I didn't recieve. :sobs, letting the tears pour down her cheeks, blinks to be able to see the screen: How can I keep believing, you know? How am I supposed to believe? I can't. Anyway, Clay I'm taking away the pain. I'm fixing it. I don't know how many will be there when I get done..but..I promise..I'm going to make it all..go away...as best as possible. :runs her fingers over her wrist, trying to get the tears to stop: MY CLAY I can't believe the words he said, They came out oh so wrong, Could he possibly have just said, Ruben wins and you are gone? How and why, The questions echoed through my head, Sure, Ruben has a great voice, But it should of been you instead. See, I fell in love with you, Somewhere between the start and now, And hearing you sing spoke to me, And made my life better somehow. You touched me with your innocence, Your big heart and big old dreams, Your way of proving easily, Nothing's ever what it seems. You struck a cord, Pulled apart my fears, Sang straight to my heart, Made me face my tears. Made it okay to cry, Tried to help me heal, Wanted me to know, I shouldn't hide how I feel. You twisted words in my favor, Somehow made my situation all okay, Showed me that all though I'm hurting badly, The pain will go away. Clay, my dear sweet Clay, My heart is breaking now for you, And I don't know the words to say, Or the right thing to do. I want to find someway to fix it, Make it end the way it should, And baby you know I'd do it, I only wish I could. How is it that your dreams, Became my dreams too, I wanted to be your wings Show you I love you. I know that it feels over now, Like your dream has come to an end, And though your hearts in pain, It will soon mend. Because though things ended sadly, Clay, you've come so far, And will keep on pushing forward, Because you are our American star. The love felt for you is so deep, Though you might not be the American Idol, It doesn't change the way we feel, And those words are just a title. So please believe me, Because I mean just what I say I truly honestly love you, And you'll always be my Clay. :starts to cry harder: Why does this hurt so bad? Why? EDIT: 150....150...hopefully..that..helps Clay my Clay? I unno? 2 comments|post comment

~*~Watch me bleed, death proceeds, holding me, I can't breathe~*~ [15 May 2003|07:32pm] [ mood | suicidal ] [ music | Clay Aiken: Tell Her About It ] I'm doing all I can so why is it that that doesn't seem like enough. Or feel like enough? I don't know but I'm so close to letting this all be over that it's fucked. Today I thought about what it would be like to slit my wrists like 4 times. The bad/good thing about it, is I'd never actually do it anyway. But I'm going crazy again. I'm so empty inside and so blah that I feel completely helpless. Why do I keep putting myself where everything is in my hands? I can't handle this. TRuE RoK!, DoRk A$$ 1 comment|post comment

~*~Emptiness is filing me, all that's left is agony~*~ [12 May 2003|08:47pm] [ mood | ow ] [ music | Metallica: Fade 2 Black ] I realize now that my life is filled with mostly nothing. I pushed off any true sense of reality a long time ago. The second I believed that someone was going to love me; true, honest, real love, I lost everything I've never had. Believing in everyone; believing in the GOOD of everyone has gotten me pushed down. As far as I can possibly go. It's over. Everything. Everything I believe in. I realize of course, that it's my fault. That I chose to see what I did. That I didn't question, just put my heart on the line, and what was just was. My heart jumped ahead of my mind and blinded my eyes. It was right in front of my face. Right there. But, I pushed that aside. For love. Now I can truly say- I've been in love. Through good and bad No matter how much pain it's caused me in the long run. Unrequited- no, not exactly. "He" loved me at some point. I'm mostly over his being gone. I understand it, I accept it. I know that I've got to move on. Let it be the past. Let that part of my life die and find something that makes me alive again. But there's times where my mind fades into what I used to have and what I used to believe. I still hurt over little things that I should of been over a long time ago. Sometimes I freak and I need to cut. But thats just because true love never dies. So, I may never "see" him again or talk to him or feel him- but he'll never be completely "dead" because I'll carry him on. The Invisible Man Your face haunts my memory, Your voice clouds my thoughts, I think of all our happy times, I remember how we faught. Loving you felt so right, But ended oh so wrong, I guess sometimes love can't hold out, No matter how strong. The scent of you still lingers, Though you were never even here, I'll never even see you, I'll never hold you near. I'll never be your girlfriend, I can't be your wife, Because you're a figment of my imagination, A perfect being, with no life. I just want to love you, But I know that you're not real, And though right now my mind can't handle it, I'll learn how to deal. They say that love's not easy, But they don't understand, For they've never loved like I have, They've never loved an invisible man. TRuE RoK! DoRK A$$ post comment

~*~ Fuel for the fire, give me what I desire~*~ [09 May 2003|07:35pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Sanitarium: Metallica ] Welcome to where time stands still No one leaves and no one will Moon is full, never seems to change Just labeled mentally deranged Dream the same thing every night I see our freedom in my sight No locked doors, No windows barred No things to make my brain seem scarred Sleep my friend and you will see That dream is my reality They keep me locked up in this cage Can't they see it's why my brain says Rage Sanitarium, leave me be Sanitarium, just leave me alone Build my fear of what's out there And cannot breathe the open air Whisper things into my brain Assuring me that I'm insane They think our heads are in their hands But violent use brings violent plans Keep him tied, it makes him well He's getting better, can't you tell? No more can they keep us in Listen, damn it, we will win They see it right, they see it well But they think this saves us from our hell Sanitarium, leave me be Sanitarium, just leave me alone Sanitarium, just leave me alone Fear of living on Natives getting restless now Mutiny in the air Got some death to do Mirror stares back hard Kill, it's such a friendly word Seems the only way For reaching out again. Yep. That would of been a pointless useless update right? *nods* Yep. So since, no one's going to get this or what it meant, I'ma jett out now. Yep. TRuE RoK! post comment

~*~Love is like an hour glass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.~*~ [09 May 2003|12:00am] [ mood | eh ] [ music | Joshie: All Or Nothing ] *makes a substance post* Is it possible? Holy wow, it just might be ;) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life is like a movie. We're all trapped in our lives living out some pre-written, predestined storyline. Except we aren't over paid actors, and we don't know our lines or even what happens in the script. We just take it scene by scene, happiness to heartache and do our damnest to give our best performance. And also, unlike a movie, there is no rewind, fastforward or pause. The past is just that; the past. We can't go back, can't chase "what might of been's" or "what I should of done's". So no rewind. The future is built on this very instant, this very moment. Are you living as if this moment's your last? Our stop comes when the plot is all played out and the climax has risen and fallen. Our stop is when the audience watches the credits roll with either tears in their eyes, or a disbelief that something with the potential to turn out wonderful turned out so horrible. So, my question is : Is your movie award winning, or sitting on a shelf collecting dust, never amounting fully to what it could of been? You decide. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ah, and now the seriousness comes to an end. Now it's time for your favorite and mine..song lyrics. *claps loudly, dancing in her seat* Oh how I live for the lyrics. I know you do too. Because I'm the lyrical genius who always makes a post that makes you go.. That's my song!! or That song soo fits *grins and bows* Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week. Oh, and yes, I'm so totally joking. I'm not a lyrical genius. By any means. A girl can only wish though. Anyway, to the batcave...*pauses* er to the lyrics. Sorry wrong fantasy JK. There's a light A certain kind of light That never shone on me I want my life to be lived with you Lived with you There's a way everybody says To do each and every little thing But what does it bring If I ain't got you, ain't got you? You don't know what it's like, baby You don't know what it's like To love somebody To love somebody To love somebody The way I love you In my brain I see your face again You ain't got to be so blind And I'm blind, so very blind I'm a woman, can't you see What I am I know my frame of mind I live and breathe for you But what good does it do If I ain't got you, ain't got ? Ahhh, nothing like good ole Bee Gee's huh? But besides this song being sooo sooo my life, Joshie sang it, and I miss my Joshie, and I want a song to member him cause I said so. *huffs* So, okay yeah, Clay covered it too, but for all of five seconds, Clay who? There was a woman A lonely woman Who lost her love Through her indifference A heart that cared That went unshared Until it died Within her silence And solitaire's the only game in town And every road that takes her Takes her down And by herself it's easy to pretend She'll never love again And keeping to herself She plays the game Without his love It always ends the same While life goes on around her everywhere She's playing solitaire A little hope Goes up in smoke Just how it goes Goes without saying There was a woman A lonely woman Who would command The hand she's playing Okay, so yes, Clay sung this song as well. You guys love my AI lyric posts. You do. You know it, don't deny it ;) But anyway, ah yes, you know that was about me. Uh, whose destined to be alone forever? *Raises her hand* I guess I just must be a hell of a solitaire player what can I say? Long ago, and, oh, so far away I fell in love with you before the second show. Your guitar, and it sounds so sweet and clear, but you're not really here. It's just the radio. Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby? You said you'd be coming back this way again baby. Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby. I love you, I really do. Loneliness is such a sad affair, and I can hardly wait to be with you again. What to say, to make you come again? Come back to me again, and play your sad guitar Is it possible I just bolded a whole song?Well Holy Wow, cause that would be a yes. Maybe it's because EMIE duck could totally take the advice, or maybe it's because you just have to love Ruben's voice. You decide. Young girl, don't cry I'll be right here when your world starts to fall Young girl, it's all right Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems No one ever wants or bothers to explain Of the heartache life can bring and what it means When there's no one else Look inside yourself Like your oldest friend Just trust the voice within Then you'll find the strength That will guide your way If you will learn to begin To trust the voice within Young girl, don't hide You'll never change if you just run away Young girl, just hold tight And soon you're gonna see your brighter day Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid No one reaches out a hand for you to hold When you're lost outside look inside to your soul When there's no one else Look inside yourself Like your oldest friend Just trust the voice within Then you'll find the strength That will guide your way If you will learn to begin To trust the voice within Yeah... Life is a journey It can take you anywhere you choose to go As long as you're learning You'll find all you'll ever need to know You'll make it You'll make it Just don't go forsaking yourself No one can stop you You know that I'm talking to you When there's no one else Look inside yourself Like your oldest friend Just trust the voice within Then you'll find the strength That will guide your way If you will learn to begin To trust the voice within Young girl don't cry I'll be right here when your world starts to fall I know, I know. Gaguilera = eewwie. But, I have to give the girl credit where credit is due. If she can go from Dirrty to this, you gotta admit one, she's got balls, and two, shes talented. This song really touches me and it's probably one of my favorite right now. ( Number one is Charles Grigsby or Stevie Wonder: Overjoyed) So yay for her. Heh. Kay I'm all lyric'd out for tonight. Alas, my musical genius cup has runnethed over and I'm so totally spent. So I'm outtie. TrUE RoK, (And for EMIE that makes me roll) OnE LuV, DoRk A$$ 3 comments|post comment

~*~Even More Reason Not To Believe~*~ [08 May 2003|11:49pm] [ mood | Josprived ] [ music | Joshie: Piano Man ] See, what good are AI God's if they don't even work? Aren't ANY God's real? N-3-W4YZ, not the point. ie. And it broke my heart into a thousand peices when he brought his daughter up there. :( I LOVE YOU JOSHIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *stabs Kimberely with a spatula* I dislike the AI Gods. 2 comments|post comment

~*~Thanks Her American Idol Gods~*~ [07 May 2003|12:20am] [ mood | clayalicious ] [ music | Kelly Clarkson: Miss Independent ] Okay, OMG! *dances in her chair,clapping her hands repeatedly like a teenie* Did you guys see my Clay baby? I mean HOTT DAYUM!! *watches the image of Clay shaking his hips over and over again in her mind* Greas is now MY word. He was so fucking awesome it was insane. I LOVE both the songs he did. *squeals like a teenie again* LIKE OH MY GOSH CLAYS GONNA MARRY ME AND WE"RE GONNA HAVE 50,000 KIDS!!!!!!! *sighs and calms down a little bit* Josh was really good to me as well. I love Jive Talking, so that might of been it. I'm not sure. Anyway, I love my Joshie and I hope he doesn't go home *prays* Please, Please, Please let my Joshie stay. Please. Please. Kim? She was good. I like her, but there's something I want to say. A girl won last time. Let it be one of the guys. Not that I want Kim to go, just let it be one of the guys. Ruben? Well, I'm sorry, but it's all starting to sound the same. I like him, yes, and he has an awesome voice, but it's all starting to sound the same. *sighs* So until tomorrow night- XOXO, DoRk A$$ post comment

~*~ Though I Search MySelf There's Always Someone Else I See~*~ [30 Apr 2003|09:22pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Black Ballon: Goo Goo Dolls ] These past few weeks have been SO hard on me. Going to Delaware and being thrown into Pop Pop's sickness and all the family drama was truly scary and weird. I never expected to see Pop Pop in the hospital, much less be there as the ambulance came to pick him up. I didn't know I'd be seeing him get poked with needles. The thing about hospitals is as much as you should feel safe, or thankful that you have people there to take care of you, or your loved ones, you don't necessarily. I felt like the doctors hid a lot from us, and their focus was more on the bare minimum of work they could do. Out of all the days I was at the hospital I saw Pop Pop's doctor once. ONCE. Watching his life fade away was both frightening and frustrating. There was one day out of the whole time he was in the hospital that he was "awake". I talked to him a little bit and told him that I love him, but I feel REALLY horrible because it was easier for me to be around him when he was not consious. I don't know why, and I feel so wrong and terrible for it. The last day that I saw him alive was really hard on me. Pop Pop wasn't awake the whole entire time. I mostly just read a magazine in the corner. When American Idol came on I sang the songs to Pop Pop because he always used to say I sing real good. ( He only said that because he loves me) Wends., I stayed at Aunt Lynn's to watch Yelly and to make sure I wasn't going to miss American Idol. The hospital called around 10 to say that Pop Pop died at 9:23. ( For those of you who know me real well..that time has special meaning) We had a viewing on Sunday night and it was open casket. I really did not like being there and I cried a lot. Pop Pop didn't look like him, he looked like wax or plastic. Also, I know this will probably sound weird or you might not understand but he looked like his soul was trapped in his body, like it was trying to get out. I swear I thought he was going to sit up, or open his eyes, or touch my hand at any second. Uncle Mike showed up wasted beyond belief and proceeded to shake the casket. It was not a good thing. We put his Eagles blanket in there covering him up because he loved his Eagles. We also put a stuffed dog I had bought him while he was in the hospital and had been awake long enough to see it, smile, and say " Thank You Honey" in a wraspy warbly voice. The funeral was on Monday. I was really thankful because "he" was there. (Thank you baby, I Love You so much.) That was really hard because I was sitting between Aunt Jenny and Aunt Janet ( Pop Pop's sister) and I had to be the strong one and hold their hands and make sure they were okay. Uncle Mike showed up there as well completely messed and that was horrible. He was so trashed he was hitting on people related to him, including me *rubs her temple* It was just...awful. UGH Last night was one of the better nights I've had in a LONG LONG time. I got to meet Brandi, who is America to my Erik. She's SO SO awesome and amazing. I love her to death!!!!! I'ma go now. I've said enough. XOXO Dork Ass 4 comments|post comment

~*~I'm killing myself from the inside out~*~ [22 Apr 2003|10:10pm] [ mood | sucidial ] [ music | Desperado: Clint Black ] Everyone that ever reads this, I've got a lot to get off my chest, so I'm just going to do it here. I hope you read this. I hope you comment. I hope this makes you have some idea or feeling in your head or in your heart. So here goes. ~ I know that you don't understand how I feel or how I think right now. I know that you don't get that. I don't ask you to. I just want you to please, please, PLEASE realize that right now it's hard for me to listen to your problems, or have advice, or be there for you as much as I usually am. I know that's my job. I know it's what I do best. I know you need me. I know, I really do. And I'll try, I really will. But, I can only do so much, and right now that's not much. I'm watching my life fall apart. I've said that before I know. But right now I'm watching everything crumble, and get torn down and I can't do anything about it. I'm not strong enough to pick them up and rebuild by myself. I can't lose someone, and watch them fade away. I don't know how to do that. I know that you guys dont understand this situtation, or why or how this is hard. And I'm sorry that I don't know the words to use to explain it. Right now, though I am emotionally void. I've built a wall, and built it around me and my problems and I've made it so I'm keeping you out. Sure I need you, more than anything. But I won't force the things I'm going through on you. I wouldn't and couldn't and don't know how nor would do that. So what I ask of you is: Please try and help me. Be okay. I cant do this alone. I'm drowning and I dont know how to swim and I'm not strong enough. Please save me. God knows, someone has to save me. My song for today..is my owwie song because I need one..and e're one needs to see it..so yeah Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? You been out ridin' fences for so long now Oh, you're a hard one I know that you got your reasons These things that are pleasin' you Can hurt you somehow Don' you draw the queen of diamonds, boy She'll beat (hurt) you if she's able You know the queen of heats is always your best bet Now it seems to me, some fine things Have been laid upon your table But you only want the ones that you can't get Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no youger Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin' Your prison is walking through this world all alone Don't your feet get cold in the winter time? The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine It's hard to tell the night time from the day You're loosin' all your highs and lows Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away? Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you You better let somebody love you, before it's too late And yes..Vannah..I realize..ur probably the only one who got that. 3 comments|post comment

~*~ No one hurts me more than you~*~ [21 Apr 2003|09:12pm] [ mood | suicidal ] [ music | How You Gonna : Tyrese ] Today was just not good. Not good, not good, and not good. I'm starting to fall apart. And I can't control it. I honestly can't watch him die. I can't watch him slowly fade away. I can't watch that happen. You guys didn't watch him not respond when they tried to wake him. You didn't see all the blood or watch him reconignize you for a second, and then not know you at all. You guys didn't watch your Aunt taunt your Uncle into spitting at each other because she hopes he'll beat the shit out of her and go to jail. And then Angel has to do what he does best and say all the things that kill me. I didn't ask for that. Frankly, I'd rather not deal with Angel, AT ALL but I'd don't get a choice. I know he means well, but do you tell someone " You're not what he needs?" or " She's prettier than you." or " You messed up his life." I guess ya do. If your Angel. I wish I had a knife here. Or pills. Anything. I'd make letter and shapes like I do when I'm really upset cause it hurts more and they are harder to make. *sighs* Like it matters. I was ready to fall, in love that night, Ready to hold my heart open wide, You promised forever and baby you lied, I was readyy to fall, In love that night. Don't it always seem to go, That you don't know what you got til it's gone, She paved my paradise, And put up a parking lot. TrUe RoK- DoRk A$$ post comment

~*~ I'm Trapped By Your Love, And I'm Chained To Your Side~*~ [15 Apr 2003|01:36am] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | All Or Nothing: Josh Gracin ] *sighs* I won't be around for a while after tonight. Maybe a little bit tomorrow too. Who knows. Anyway, I'm going to DE to see Pop Pop. Yes *grumbles* I really am going this time. You guys can miss me if you want to. I mean if you think about me. If you feel like it. If you want to. I realized something today. That...I'm watching my best friend slip away. Honestly. I truly believe that I'm losing her just like I lost them. Because the day he's not important to me or the day I'm completely over him, or if she is first, then what are we left with? Truly. That's all we talk about. That's our life. And that's our life together too. I don't want to watch her fade away. I've lost too many damn people, and I just feel like truly now should be the end of that. So, I've decided that I'm not letting anyone new in my life. I don't need any new people. I don't need anyone anymore. I really dont. Everyones just going to leave me anyway. I can be alone. It's what I do best. Do you know whats sad? When my mom says " Won't You Quit Doing That To Your Arm?", but doesn't realize that I hadn't done it for a whole month and two weeks. And because she doesn't notice she doesn't realize, that something must of really upset me for me to have them, if I messed up when I was doing so good. But no. She doesn't understand. No one does. Becky asked today, " Tonia, are you trying to give yourself a tattoo?" I wanted to try and explain it to her, but she's little and she won't understand. I don't think I want her to. I don't know how to tell a little girl whose so beautiful, and so perfect, and unflawed and happy.. " I do this to myself baby, because I can't deal with pain in a normal way, and I have to take it out on myself." What if Becky starts thinking thats what she needs to do? That would kill me. I'm her big sister. I'm her protector. I'd give anything and everything for either one of those damn kids, and anyone who knows me knows that. But the question is, can I honestly? If I can't even protect myself, how can I do it for them? Maybe I don't love them as much as I should. The scariest thing ever is when today I realized, I'm never going to get married. I'm never going to be able to date. I can't do it. I can't do it. Why? Because I'm never going to be able to love someone. I'm honestly not. Becase they will never be him, never be what he was to me, and never ever compare to him. And that sucks. I dont want to be alone. But Im thinking I'm going to have to. I don't think I love anyone anymore. I really don't. Hearing people tell me they love me now is annyoing. What is love anyway? Why do people feel it? All it really is, is hurt and pain in disguise. Yeah, that's it. Anyway maybe I need to just shut up now. I guess you all can tell I'm not really in a perfect mood tonight. I'd do anything to hold you, I'd go anywhere to touch you, I'd do anything you want me to, If you'll just stay with me awhile. I'd sing any song your heart desires, I would sing out loud of love's sweet fires, Oh I'd do all this and so much more, If you'll just stay with me awhile. Reach out your hand, Oh to me, Oh, I'm falling, One minute more, I'm falling, I'm falling, Won't you just stay with me awhile? ~*~ Friends, best friends, are the most important thing in life.~*~ Fried Green Tomatos ~*~ A heart can be broken- but it beats all the same.~*~ Fried Green Tomatos ~*~ My lips may promise, but my hearts a whore.~*~ Nine Inch Nails post comment

[14 Apr 2003|01:53am] [ mood | gone ] [ music | Total Eclipse Of The Heart ] Why is it that the people I love the most hurt me? Truly hurt me deeply. It's like that's what I'm here for. To be yelled at, ignored, pushed away, or used. And I know it's my fault because I don't know how to say no, please dont do this, please don't put me in this situation. It's like I've got a sign on my back saying " Please tear apart my world and break my heart." And that's fine. Because in my heart I believe that we're all good people, and that everyone has a good heart, but sometimes we think about ourselves more than others. I understand that. I really do. But why hurt people? Really, why? Is it some kind of pleasure kick? Some kind of high, that gives you joy out of watching people stumble and fall and never be able to pick themselves up completely? Having your whole world crash is the scariest thing ever. It's the moment, the second that you realize everything you believed in, everything you thought you knew was wrong. Where you see that everything that mattered before doesn't mean anything anymore. You have to rebuild and pull yourself from the damage. And sometime after the smoke clears, you realize that your the one that started the fire. I never asked to watch people come in and out of my life. I never asked for people to realize that they can use me for whatever they need at the time because I would rather hurt then anyone else ever feel pain at all. And I believe that I can take on all the pain, even though I can't. I can't do anything right, so how could I do that? I know that you guys must all think that I get myself hurt. Or I'm just this big baby, because I know it seems like I can't take care of myself. I understand that to. I really do. I'm sorry if I seem that way. I know sometimes I must be the big huge burden in your life, who gets in the way. I'm sorry for that too. One day everything's going to be okay. Be perfect and happy and beautiful. Though truly everything is beautiful and perfect in its own way. Everything is flawed, which makes it different. Being different is beautiful. But I want everyone else to feel that way. So I'll do what I can for you. I'll try my hardest. But please don't tell me you want me to be happy to make you happy. I've heard that a million and one times before. I can't be happy. I don't know how. And I just..it's about everyone else. Not me. Really. This is my song for right now, I guess. It made me cry. Everything does of course, but that's okay. Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming around Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you'll only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right Cause we'll never be wrong together We can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks I really need you tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Once upon a time I was falling in love But now I'm only falling apart There's nothing I can do A total eclipse of the heart Once upon a time there was light in my life But now there's only love in the dark Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround, every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be Turnaround, every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am Turnaround, every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you Turnaround, every now and then I know there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you'll only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right Cause we'll never be wrong together We can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks I really need you tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Once upon a time I was falling in love But now I'm only falling apart There's nothing I can do A total eclipse of the heart Once upon a time there was light in my life But now there's only love in the dark Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart I should go now. I gotta..go clean sumfin..up..cause.. I got..it all over da place. 3 comments|post comment

~*~ I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just A Little Unwell~*~ [14 Apr 2003|12:24am] [ mood | hurt ] [ music | Overjoyed: Charles Grigsby ] I'm so sick of my life. I'm don't mean to complain, but I really feel like I should say that. Most of you know me pretty well. You know how I am, and how I feel about things. And that I really don't have much of, if any self esteem. And all he does is push me and push me and bring me down even more. Why? I don't want to hear that I'm fat or ugly or stupid everyday in my life. I can't handle that. But I have to when all Dad does is make me feel like I'm not good enough. How could you be so stupid? Your putting on a little weight. Everyday. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. How am I ever going to feel like I'm good enough for anyone when I know now that I'm not. Just once in my life, I want to feel like I'm okay. Like I'm a good person. Like I deserve happiness and good things. I deserve to feel loved. I do right? I mean I guess I do. Everyone does. So I guess that includes me. Over time I've been building my castle of love Just for two Though you never knew you were my reason I've gone much too far For you now to say That I've got to throw My castle away Over dreams I have picked out a perfect come true Though you never knew it was of you I've been dreaming The sandman has come From too far away For you to say Come back some other day And though you don't believe that they do They do come true For did my dreams Come true when I looked at you And maybe too if you would believe You too might be Overjoyed Over loved Over me Over hearts I have painfully turned every stone Just to find I had found what I've searched to discover I've come much too far For me now to find The love that I sought Can never be mine And though you don't believe that they do They do come true For did my dreams Come true when I looked at you And maybe too if you would believe You too might be Overjoyed Over loved Over me And though the odds say improbable What do they know For in romance All true love needs is a chance And maybe with a chance you will find You too like I Overjoyed Over loved Over you Over you... That songs been going through my head all day. Yeah. For good reason. Yeah. That's all I really feel like saying, I wish I knew where my knife is. Fuck my month and two weeks. Fuck it It doesnt matter anymore 3 comments|post comment

~*~ Without You Boy, My Life Is Incomplete~*~ [13 Apr 2003|12:25am] [ mood | eh ] [ music | You're A God: Vertical Herizon ] I feel a lot now that everything I thought I knew is truly nothing at all. That everything I've ever believed in is simply that. Pure belief in something that's not possible, or wasn't " meant for me." I had all these big dreams for myself. Going to college, and studying anything and everything. Feeling smart, and becoming educated. There's so much I want to learn and so much FOR me to learn. I was going to become that psychologist and help people. Or that writer and maybe touch someone's life. That's never going to happen now. I'm such a failure. Hell, I couldn't even graduate from high school, much less college. PSHH. I can't help other people when I don't even have my own sanity so that rules out psychologist. Writer? Yeah right. My writing is medicore. It sucks. I wanted to fall in love, you know? Find someone I loved unconditionally, and who loved me back. Someone to fall asleep beside and wake up to everyday for the next 80 years. Instead I get Justin. Who emotionally wrecked the fuck out of me. JP who loved me, but now he's gone too. Besides, I wasn't fair to him. I couldn't love him as much as he wanted and deserved because I'm not over Erik Michael. Which leaves- Erik. How does that still control my life? It's been almost a year without him. But I love him. And loving him holds me back from EVER being able to look down at my finger and see that wedding band. I'll never be able to have a little one of my own. Hell, I want that more than anything. But, it won't happen. I'm a failure. The biggest fucking failure ever. Why why, can't something go right? Just one thing, anything? Him? I realized that I don't FEEL anyones love anymore. I know people love me but I don't feel it. I think that's what I need right now. To feel and know and be loved. But I can't. And that's the damnation of it all. She cries that life is like, Some movies black and white, Dead actors fake their lines, Over and over again they cry "Death can not stop true love, only delay it for a little while." ~Princess Bride "How can you love someone so much, that you just met?"~Where The Heart Is "Let go of what's gone, hold on like hell to what you've got"~Where The Heart Is LoVe, DoRk A$$ 2 comments|post comment

~*~ I'm Not Supposed To Love You Anymore~*~ [11 Apr 2003|12:41am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Clay Aiken: I'm Not Supposed To Love You Anymore ] *sighs loudly and taps her fingers against the computer desk* I just....am overwhelmed. Too stressed. I just can't deal with all this stuff. You know? Mom Mom getting in a car accident, them telling Pop Pop he's got even shorter to live. Listening to my mom trying to hide her crying at night. I can't...do this. I've gotten a hell of a lot stronger, but I don't think I'm that strong. I know I'm not. my friend Tonia who I'm moving closer to who's going through the same shit as I am, only worse Vanns... *rae* Worse? How so? That's...that's not true you know? I mean....it's not. *sighs again, looking around wishing he was here* Even my games dont make me happy anymore. I'm tired of too much stress and sadness and pain. I'm tired of pretending to be happy when I'm not. More than anything here lately I want to crawl up in bed and never get out. I want to sleep and never wake up. Because at least there, I know he'll be. *starts to cry, and tries to pretend like shes not* Sometimes, I believe for five seconds, that I'm going to see him soon. That I'll talk to him, and he'll tell me he'll be here soon, and that he loves me. But.. I know....I really do know. And thats what scares me the most. That once I deal with the fact that hes really gone.. How am I supposed to live without you, Now that I've been loving you so long I'm not. 2 comments|post comment

~*~ Claymation Animation Fixation, Sexualation~*~ [09 Apr 2003|04:39am] [ mood | claysexified ] [ music | Clay: Someone Elses Star ] *kneels down and begins to pray* Dear AI2 Gods, Please let Clay make it tomorrow. I need him to go through to another round. He is my American Idol. Please forgive Corey for assulting his sister. They had to throw him off. They didnt want to tell him he just sucks. They are nicer than that. *grins innocently* PLease forgive Ricky for his performance. He tried, bless his heart. Please let Kim stay, even though she wasnt as good as she usually is last night. Please let the big sexual teddy bear aka Ruben find my bed tonight ;) Please let Shakira wanna be, goat calling Carmen leave this week. Everyone will love you for it. AMEN. LOVE ME *gets up and does a dance* Clay gets to stay, clay gets to stay EDIT: *pets clay* Ooo Clay..you are the sexiest man ever. Even almost as hott as Simon *growls* Simon is sexy sexy sexy too..but you Clay *Swoons* ooh Clay. We're going to get married and have 269 kids. 3 comments|post comment

[09 Apr 2003|01:42am] [ mood | eh ] [ music | Clay Aiken:Somewhere Out There ] Things have changed SO much in my life, and yet it feels like nothing. I've accomplished a lot of good things. But I'm being thrown into some bad things. Good Things 1) Eating healthier ( no soda, no cheese etc, etc) which means mostly water, fruits, and veggies. 2) I have a job so I sleep properly and I am earning money. 3) I excercise daily (100 crunches) so I'm losing weight. 4) ( Best Thing Of All) NO CUTTING FOR A FULL MONTH. Bad Things 1) Finding out about Pop Pop 2) Finding out about Uncle Mike 3) Losing JP. But the thing is- I'm starting to be able to deal with things and just live my life. One thing aside. And I want to go there for a minute. Kate had a dentist appt. today and while I sat in the waiting room I read her little "devotional" book thing she got from church. Now you guys know how I feel about - that, but this seriously held my intrest. " Stages Of Grief". Now I know that's for dealing with death. But in a way, losing him is like a death because I never get him back. Lemme show you how it makes sense. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Grief is: our reaction to loss Yeah. You all know that. Just bare with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Stages Of Grief" 1) Shock: Yeah. I was so totally going " What? Wait, What? Shut the fuck up." My mouth had dropped open and the tears wouldn't stop. 2) Denial: God, there wasn't a day I wasn't saying, " Well..what if..." or " Maybe if." I was trying to come up with my own reason for him to be real, and to justify her lying. 3) Bargaining: Hell, I had this stage down to an artform. " If you find some way to prove to me" or " If you'll just let him be real-" I'd promise anything and everything. 4)Anger: I began this stage by getting angry at him. For not being real, for not loving me, for leaving me. For whatever I felt like being mad at. Then I got mad at Jen. For ever making him a part of my life. For taking him away. Sure I was mean. Sure some of the things I said were hurtful, but it was what I felt. 5) Anxiety: " What if no one ever loves me?" " What if everyones always a lie?" " What if he's really real, and I cheated because I didn't know?" Those questions attacked me and drove me mad. I felt so tense and so scared. 6) Depression: The cutting. Not eating. His "presence". All of those things are my depression eating me away. I know I cant hold on, but I sure as hell can't let go. 7) Acceptance: The final stage. I think that I'm at this point. Where I know it's over, even if I don't want it to be. The scary thing is, I'm not ready for this stage. I'm not ready to let go. I think I need to start a club or something. Poser Victims Unite? Or just have someone not trying to run me to the crazy farm. Any joiners? Yeah. Love Dork Ass P.S. Does anyone else love Clay? *looks up towards the AI2 Gods* Pwease let him stay this week. My Clay Clay isn't going down without a fight. 3 comments|post comment

~*~Dear baby I love you just thinkin' of you~*~ [02 Apr 2003|12:40am] [ mood | crazy ] I just..have...so much on my mind right now..I need to post some lyrics..to make my heart...stop hurting so bad and to make these tears stop. So here goes.. To Erik Michael: I was sittin' at home Thinkin' to myself I started thinkin' 'bout you How much I do love you I really do I would never trade you Never forsake you Cuz nothin' could be better That's why I wrote you this letter I love you always baby Last night I wrote a short letter And it went this way Dear baby I love you just thinkin' of you Love always I love you, I love you, I love you And there is nothin' that I wouldn't do Just to prove that I really, really love you And baby I want you, I want you, I want you And there is nothing that I'd rather do Than to love you I love you always Every night and every day I love you, I love you, I love you Sometimes I feel so angry. Like you left me on purpose. Like you never really loved me. And it hurts. It hurts to hate the way I feel..it hurts to miss you so bad I'm angry. I can't believe it's come to this Two broken hearts, one goodbye kiss Is this all that's left of me and you You seem to take it all in stride While I'm crumbling inside Letting go is hard for me to do But if all my love is easy to refuse Then I guess you just don't have as much to lose 'Cause I'm losing everything that ever meant anything How can all of our yesterdays mean nothing to you If all my love's so easy to refuse Then I guess you just don't have as much to lose If all my love's so easy to refuse Then I guess you just don't have as much to lose I can't believe it's come to this Two broken hearts, one goodbye kiss More than anything I just want to know I have something to hold on to. I want to know you love me. I want to....I want you back. Damnit. Thats what I want. Baby Listen I never meant to be so hard on you But my pride had me thinking that it was the right thing But boy I really love you And it’s driving me crazy That our not here to hold me anymore How long must I cry How long do I have to try To make happiness my friend And how long will I the Until you’ve come back to me And let me feel your love again I said I really loved you And boy I’m thinking of you There’s no one in this world could take the place of you because you are my baby And you drive me crazy There’s nothing else I would say or do If I don’t have you back in my life I’m willing to live and die for you Baby don’t you know that my words are true I really love you Still thinkin of you Can’t imagine living life without you I really miss you No need to dis you Can’t live another day without you And everything I say to you, baby it’s true How long must I cry How long do I have to try To make happiness my friend And how long will it be Until you’ve come back to me And let me feel your love again How long must I cry How long do I have to try To make happiness my friend And how long will it be Until you’ve come back to me And let me feel your love again I think maybe for now I shouldnt write much more. Erik...it keeps getting harder..I keep getting pulled back. I dont know what to do. Help me. So my one last thing besides I love you? Never thought that I would feel this way I never thought anyone could turn my sun away (oh, oh, oh) Until I fell in love with you I never thought of suicide Until you took your love away post comment

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