Jayme's Blurty

Subject:	our ideas held no water, but we used them like a dam.
Time:	3:11 am.

the desire to have value in the eyes of others, comes to undermine personal integrity and authenticity in a society marked by interdependence, hierarchy, and inequality.

on thursday night philly picked me up and we went to the cas and while we were there i decided that it would be really cool if, when we get to heaven, there is like a tally of how many times in our lives we said 'bless you' to people after they sneezed. i played roulette and i like calculated where the ball was going to land in my head, and i said 11 or 33, and then it hit 11 haha. but it was just a fluke. gambling is consistently an 'almost' game. and it sucks you in by you consistently 'almost' winning and then you think just a liiiittle bit more and then you lose your soul and your life savings. in that order.

then me and flowin came home and we had a symposium, as i enjoy so frequently these days. he taught me like three stupid drinking card games. he teaches me like one new one every single time. then i just made us play rock paper scissors and the loser drinks because that is so much more fun. and we talked sooo much and it was funny and weird and sad and i actually started crying about mitchell just because it is so sad and weird. and it is like, sometimes people feel so so depressed. but if you can make it through the few hours, the feeling HOPEFULYL will eventually goes away. and it sucks that those boys couldnt make it through a few hours. it really sucks. but then philly was like but if they were alive i might not have met you, and i was like, actually i think you definitely would have, because cameron lucy would still have had that party and you would have gone and me and cat would have gone. unless jayden made sundo not hook up with cat or something. and then maybe actually we wouldnt have gone. but i still would have met him sometime. like that time walking home from my cousins 17th and geoff left at a certain point to roller blade home [hee] and i thought a car was following me and i hid and then they knocked on the blights windows and then i realised i was fine and it was phil hahaha. but i didnt know it was him until he told me one day about how he always used to knock on ashleighs window when he was too drunk to drive home so that he could sleep in their games room. hahaha.

you'll get away clean, i'll keep your secrets til the grace has swallowed me. and i will never tell a tortured soul, there burning by my side, that i am a sinner, i am saviour, i am a lie.

everyone wants jude and i to go to bali with them again this year. i only want to go if josh is going like last year, but he probably won't be so then i'll be bored, because tina won't go either, and she was my secondary partner in crime. even though she is like 31. you're never too old. especially in bali. where street drinking is legal. HUZZAH. but anyway i probably wont be able to go to bali because i will most likely be in new york by then, insha Allah.

he wants to cook me dinner this week with redddd wine. or whatever wine goes with the make believe meal he hasnt cooked yet. i really love the thing we have going on. i like that he can tackle me and he teaches me how to box and he can tease kristie and cassie like theyre his own cousins, and i love how much he makes me laugh, but more than that, i love how much i make him laugh. and i love that he is one of my best friends, and we have incredible sex, and that's all it is, and that's all it needs to be. and i know he has no need to hook up with anyone else, and he won't, and he knows that i don't have the need to hook up with anyone else either. and i have no desire to, really. because i don't want the bullshit that a boyfriend entails. like the insecurity and the pathetic jealousy and the need to see them regularly. i like that sometimes we have four sleepovers a week, and sometimes we have none. and i love that he can be relied upon to be a philistine. and that he can be relied upon to message an 'i miss you' everyday. i dont know if i miss him though. i guess i do. or even if i did, i wouldnt admit it to myself, because i dont want to attach a need like that to a person. especially philly. i love him, as a friend, but i will never be in love with him again, because i dont want to be. or i can just tell myself i dont want to be, because it makes it easier. or something. whatever. i'm fine. i like how things are, i like that i don't need him.

but i don't know if i dont need him, simply because i DONT, or, because i refuse to. but i dont mind. i feel oddly secure. there is comfort and consistency and security and laughter and good sex and what more could you ask for, from a simple friend? and. i know it doesnt affect him like it has started to affect me, i guess. but one day, i think it will. but no one else has gone through what he and i went through together.

i need weed. the clarity is dissipating. i think i need to smoke and think about how i feel about philly. and hopefully figure it out. apart from being completely satisfied. but i dont want to like, secretly be in love with him and not realise it. but i think i definitely am not. i am definitely incredibly self conscious. our entire generation, is self conscious, to the point of being toxic.

seriously. where did all the self consciousness come from?
This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she's awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She'll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she's happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she's done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like " I don't give a f*ck what you think about me. "

This is about the person trying out for American Idol, who while going off about how confident they are that they were born ready to sing in front of the world, are trembling so badly they can hardly breathe.

This is about me, the guy who walks through a throng of photographers into a restaurant like he's Paul Newman, but who leaves a "reject" pile of clothes in his closet so high that his cleaning lady can't figure out how one man can step into so many pairs of pants in a week.

This is about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog that subsists on tearing other people down but who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man.

This is about us all. Every one of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.

- john mayer.

and it came to me then, that every plan, is a tiny prayer to Father Time.

cos all you see is where else you could be, when you're at home. and out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone.

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Subject:	adam scott.
Time:	9:31 pm.

stuff is weird. i don't know what's happened. two weeks ago, geoff was over me badbadbad. which is good. but now, andy is calling me lots and asking to hang out and go for walks and stare at stars, phil wants me to hang at his house, watch adam sandler movies, get drunk, play truth or dare/spin the bottle and swim. and adam... is in belgium, will be back in a month, and wrote me the most amasingly perfect thing i have ever written.

andy is cool and fun, and cute, and i love his friends, but i'm not into him really at all.
phil is funny and makes me laugh heaps; he's heaps of fun. and he's a good kisser. but. i don't want to do anything with him because i will feel like i'm cheating on adam. which is weird. but it's how i feel. aunno.

i was like yaaaay, i can have jaymetime and have fun and go to random parties and just have fun. and it's what i did on saturday night. but then i hooked up with phil and now he wants to hook up again. but i don't know why, like, i think he is really not the type to have a girlfriend, cos he's in the hotjock group and pretty much they just hookup. and also, i like him, he is fine. but i don't want to go out with him and i doubt it would come to that. and i don't want to just hook up with him. because i want adam.

i've been talking to adam on msn for the year pretty much, since he's been in belgium on exchange. we made out at his going away party, when i was going out with geoff. he's just really beautiful, like, he says the most amazing, funny, insightful things. and i guess i knew he liked me a bit, or just, aunno, before i went on leavers. and i told him to write me a silly anonymous love letter, because we were just joking about it one night, and then last night he told me he did. but i had like 167 junk emails when i came back from leavers so i didn't bother checking.
and then i read it.
and ummm he has really intense feelings./
and it was pretty awesome and perfect and wow and i adore him ???
and oc is on hahahaha laterr

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Subject:	I hate the Winter in Lexington.
Time:	11:13 pm.

I watched a dvd. Internet. Ate. Slept in. Internet. Was on the phone. Went shopping. Saw friend. Watched a dvd. Slept in. Watched a dvd. Stayed up late. Watched tv. Slept in. Saw a friend. Stayed up late. Internet. Slept in. Internet. Watched a dvd. Went shopping. Friend. Internet. DVD. TV. Shopping. Internet. Slept in. TV. Slept in. Internet. DVD. Food. Shopped. Slept in. Stayed up too late. Friend. Too much sleep. Shopping. Work. Shopping. Work. TV. TV. DVD. DVD. Friend. DVD. Internet. Slept. Internet. Slept. Internet. Slept. Ignored Schoolwork. Slept. DVD. TV. Ignored schoolwork. Slept. DVD. Ignored schoolwork. Shopped. TV. Saw friend. Overslept. Food. Internet. Ignored schoolwork. DVD. DVD. DVD. DVD. DVD. DVD. Internet. Shopped. Shopped. Saw friend. Watched TV. Talked on phone. Went to bridge. Shopped. TV. TV. DVD. TV. Ignored schoolwork. Internet.

My school holidays.

I'm so bored of life. It's comforting. There's comfort in consistency. But it's so damn depressing. I really just wanna hide away from the stupid world. I don't like it. Too much has happened. And too much is happening. I think I've lost faith. Maybe. People are too horrible. No one will forgive anyone. My world got really narcissistic suddenly. A few people, are too absorbed in their own whatever they want to call its, to worry about how anyone else is doing. They don't realise that it's really hard for some people. They think it's all about them. They don't ask if anyone else is suffering. They believe people should suffer for being themselves. Just because they're too selfish to accept the people as who they are. They used to accept them. They don't anymore.

I don't who 'they' are. but it hurts just the same.

i don't like stuff. it's cruel.

i thought i was really materialistic. like, i love love love getting new clothes. i shop for clothes and shoes and bags and whatever like... well, twice a weekish. sometimes four times. and they make me feel so hopeful. You know the feeling, when you get a new outfit, and it's in the bag, and folded so neatly? And it looked so perfect on the hanger, and you somehow feel, that it kinda carries perfection? And maybe if the clothing carries the perfection, it can be transferred to you while you're wearing that clothing?

Okay, I get that it's just me. But that might apply to other things for other people.

anywaaay. I thought my clothes meant everything. And then some loser stole my bag and my clothes. MY ESKIMO JACKET WHICH I ADOOORED and my shrug which is so over anyway. yuuck. ew ew ew. AAAND. the prettiest. my mock moschino bright red MOD [so in right now] ladakh capelet!!! however... I wasn't very upset. Because I knew they were replaceable, and because I knew it wasn't worth making a fuss over. But at the same time, i was sooo thankful that I had my digital camera, because to me, it doesn't mean expensive or an object of power; it holds memories and moments that although captured, would otherwise disappear forever and many which would be forgotten in the morning or just in eventual years.

aaand yeh that's kinda the point i was getting at.

I wasn't very upset about clothes, but was over-appreciative over camera's not stolen ness.

so anywaaay... the thievery of fuckers made me re-evaluate myself and i realised that i wasn't as superficial as i thought i'd become. so yay to me.

snaps. kudos. cookies. brownies for me.

i hate being left home alone while mummy goes out and drowns her sorrows. and i hate that dad makes her have sorrows that she needs to drown.

i hate being sad. hate hate hate. love love love. the world makes me sad. incredibly sad that when i smile to myself, and smile directly at people, not one person smiles back. they're all too wrapped up in their own lil' worlds.

fuck that. i'm going to namibia and rwanda and i'm gonna cure aids. screw you guys. :-P

nawwww

I just feel like the world has altered it's view of a good person and a bad person. And people have much more narcissitic ideals now. I don't like it.

Done.

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Subject:	not that you would know.
Time:	7:00 pm.

melindy's death has affected me heaps. i dont know why. she was like my girl crush. i always thought she was so sweet and amazing and then kk said she had cancer and i thought she was even more amazing.
And she was wonderwoman too. But she looked better. But she liked my boots.

i don't know why, but i was fascinated by her. But her death has immortilised her, and it's made her seem even more flawless, which is crazy, because she suffered from probably the biggest imperfection, Cancer. I don't know, but just reading her myspace and how much she touched everyone and...

she was at a party four days before she died. Living life, right until the end.

I wish I had known her. She sounds like an amazing person. No one really amazes me anymore. No one's kindness seems sensational or even present.

Laura. makes me believe in compassion. forgiveness. all things good.

everyone else just seems stuck in a world full of self-pity and failed dreams and abandoned hopes and blah blah blah. I want to fuck off out of this selfish, self-righteous country and go meet these kids.

everyone else is just intent on making people relive whatever mistakes they've made and suffer continually.

people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
translation: they're no fucking angels themselves.
and...
let he who who has not sinned, throw the first stone.

translation: you suck. get a heart. stop being so narrow-minded.

you can thank me when you pull your head out of your ass.

i think i'm too brazen. i think people might actually listen to what i have to say if i didn't say it in such a harsh way. oh well. brazen is the way to be. contemputously bold, i think, is the definition in the dictionary. or just overtly bold. bold bold bold.honest. honest. honest.

you pretend to be honest but brush your teeth with lies.
you say i lie but you go home and make love to the lies.
you pretend not to care but it's written in your eyes.
and it's whispered in her lies.

the world is too beautiful for you.

remember the days we felt infinite.

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Subject:	i'll be your best kept secret, and your biggest mistake.
Time:	6:54 pm.

Watching the days burning out like a cigarette, just a few drags to go.
You built me up and you broke me down, somehow
Everything just seemed so clear to me, nothing left to know
I'll love you right and I'll love you pure, right now

How can you say, that its too late
To save us now

And I would wait for you, if you would wait for me
And i will Wait for you, if you will wait for me

Intoxicated, the edge is serrated, so easily torn from the core
I blushed the first time, but you blushed the last time my eyes in your mind
Regenerated these feelings of hatred. I long for your love ever more
You built me up and you broke me down this time

And I would wait for you, if you would wait for me
And i will Wait for you, if you will wait for me

How can you say that its too late, to save us now
How can you say

remember the days when we felt infinite?

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Time:

8:38 am.

i am so cool check it out:: http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?Jaymeeee

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Time:

8:33 am.

i'm bored. does anyone use this anymore? i always used blurty for venting kinda about everything like parents or friends or school but i'm bored with monotony. i like shopping. don't ask me why. because you feel like if you have beautiful clothes, then you'll somehow be beautiful too. and because dressing up every day is like being the brand new person you wanna be, every day.

or something.

o-kaaay.
i'm bored. i'm gunna fail info sys. ergo tee.

aaah fuck it. i dont really wanna go to uni anyway. the only way i'm trying is cos i know i'm capable. but i don't wanna. at all.

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Subject:	take your toothbrush or i'll flush you down the toilet.
Time:	9:22 pm.
Mood:	creative.

Any life, no matter how long & complex it may be,
is made up of a single moment ; the moment in which
a person finds out, once & for all, who they are

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're
on your own. & you know what you know. You are the
person who'll decide where to go. * Dr. Suess *

SO WHICH OS THE STANDARD LINES WILL WE USE?
'I'VE BEEN MEANING TO CALL YOU'
'I'VE JUST BEEN SO BUSY'
'WE'LL CATCH UP SOON'
'LET'S MAKE IT A POINT TO'
and your taste still lingers on my lips, like you just placed them upon yours
and I starve.
I starve for you.

GEOFFREY LIKENED MY TEMPERAMENT TO THAT OF A FEMALE DOG.

SMELLS LIKE A BREAK UP baha kidding

SMELLS LIKE BOOOREDOM

SMELLS LIKE LUUURVE

SMELLS JUST LIKE HEAVEN

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Subject:	We die only once, and for such a long time.
Time:	11:06 pm.
Mood:	sad.
Music:	old school GC.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote;- -‘There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart’s desire,… the other is to gain it’.

-Shaw was right: as we strain to grasp the things we desire,… the things we think will make our lives better:… money, popularity, fame… we ignore what truly matters…-
the simple things: like friendship, family, love.
The things we probably already had.

-As far as I’m concerned, Shaw was a punk! Coz you know what? Tragedies happen.
What’re you gonna do, give up? Quit? No.
I realise now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you’re still alive.
Coz you are, and that pain you feel:… it’s life(!)
The confusion and fear… that’s there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better.
And that something is worth fighting for.

-This year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for… but, in a way, I lost even more.

-So, Mr. Shaw thinks that getting your hearts desire is a tragedy? I say he’s wrong.
I mean, clearly, Shaw never kissed Erica Marsh.

-Yeah, losing your heart’s desire is tragic.
But gaining your heart’s desire…
It’s all you can hope for.
This year, I wished for love.
To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel.
My wish was granted.
And if having that is tragic… then give me tragedy.
Because, I wouldn’t give it back for the world.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dandelions are a weed. That fact does not stop children from making wishes on them.

No one really knows what they are searching for
This world is crying for so much more.

I could hold you in my arms FOREVER, but it wouldn’t be long enough.

Why does the world say goodbye if it doesn't intend to go anywhere?

LIVE for what you believe in. DIE fighting for it.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world had ended, he became a butterfly.
You kill the caterpillars, and wonder why you can't see any butterflies.

I wish it was easy
To open my mouth and tell you the truth
But every time I try
I know it'll just make you cry
So silence is my companion
In this dark hallway
With too many doors to ever open

"The greasy fry, it cannot lie, its truth is written on your thigh,"

i wish i was a kid again. theyre the only original thinkers in the world.

sometimes i want life to just hurry up and get to the good parts. and other times i wish it would just slow down completely and lay at a standstill. until i realised, i'm too busy making wishes about time, something i cannot change, to stop and just experience what is in the right now.

What fun is being in love if everything’s easy?

Our strength is often composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show. -Mignon McLaughlin

Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.

and if i stumble -and i fall - should i get up and carry on?

THOSE WHO LOOK FOR THE TRUTH DESERVE THE FUCKING PUNISHMENT FOR FINDING IT.

i'm troublesome, i've fallen. i'm angry at my father. it's ME against this world and i don't care.

How the hell do we actually begin to LIVE?

Some people reach a place in time where they've gone as far as they can. A place where wives and jobs collide with desire. That which is unknowable and those who remain out of sight. See what it is invisible and you will see what to write. That's how Bobby used to put it. It was the invisible people he wanted to live with. The ones that we walk past everday, the ones we sometimes become. The ones in books who live only in someones mind's eye. He was a man who was destined to go through life and not around it. A man who was sure the shortest path to Heaven was straight through Hell. But the truth of his handicap lay only in a mind both exalted and crippled by too many stories and the path he chose to become one. Bobby Long's tragic flaw was his romance with all that he saw. And I guess if people want to believe in some form of justice, then Bobby Long got his for a song.

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Subject:	I DONT BLAME YOU FOR BEING YOU -actually i love u for it
Time:	2:35 am.

You are Summer Wheatley and you hate cake.

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

WHOOOOOOOO HAAHAAHAAHAAHAAA DOOO IIIITTTT

WHOOO NAPOLEAN I LOVE U BABY

YOU AND ME ARWE GETTING MARRIED
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE WEARING THAT FOXY SEXY ASS BROWN SUIT I LOVE SO MUCH

heyyy friends

you chicks are aaaawesome

and amazing

hey tegey tegey tegey love youuuu
i have a new phone - i would msg u but i dont got ur number anymore

and daniel is awesome and amazing n he's hell becoming one of my besties.
he's the shyt, he';s a great guy aye.

NEW YEARS IS GONNA GO OFFFFFF

YEEEAH

it better haahaa

i better be allowed to go haahaa

i wanna have a good year
i have a feeling that 2006 is gonna be good
i hope so
itll be the bets year of my life hopefully
2005 was prolly the worst haahaa
i did lots of bad shyt
heres to a great new 2006

yeeeah

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Subject:	i'm jeaous of every girl that ever hugged you because for a moment, she held my world in her arms
Time:	1:36 am.
Mood:	ecstatic.
Music:	Simon n Garfunkel - I Am A Rock.

i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u i l o v e y o u

i l o v e y o u

I F U C K I N G L O V E Y O U

Well I'm on my way... I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way...

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

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Subject:	i just want to believe... YOU WANTED LILLY... YOU GOT HER.
Time:	7:57 pm.
Mood:	crushed.
Music:	Ryan Adams - Wonderwall.

First glance was like a movie scene

Warm kisses on a trampoline

An abandoned boy; a troubled girl

So fitting; you became my World.

I saw you first, our eyes did meet

I made you smile, no easy feat

And then you spoke, a broken song

For you to trust, would take so long.

And then, for me, you readied your heart

And opened it, to a whole new start.

And with these words, I reassure

For the days we spend, forevermore,

And shall continue in a peaceful bliss

The anticipation, from that first kiss

My hands are never held amiss

Because where you are

Is home to me.

Bare feet - they mark upon the sand

He smiles again and takes her hand

One night they have to hope for all

Walk steadily along the wall

Fields and oceans, full of life

Crimson love with one swift knife

The boundaries broken,

The hurt repaired

All my imperfections

Altered reflections

In your stare

Your eyes they glow as black as night

But comfort in the distant light

Attainable and not unrepairable

If ever I was to fall –you’d catch

Me, you stand so tall

The way you carry - across the room

Leading away from that life of gloom

And those harsh words they spoke did leave

So no tears did fall, or grieve

For one last cuddle, of yours or mine

Blood in the veins, the red of wine

It throbs the same, of yours and mine

So let me kiss you one last time

And then once more, forever again

In this eternity, of love, there is no end.

And then written a couple of weeks after...

You follow me like a light shadow

- A reflection in a broken window.

And you will love me forevermore

This is the curse upon your door.

The way I smile, intoxicates

The way I smile, it liberates…

You had a cold and dusty heart

And could not bear to be a part

of something so sincere or sweet

until that day when we did meet.

First glance was like a movie scene

Warm kisses on a trampoline

And suddenly, such need did come

From your spirit, so undone.

But this I know, and this I sigh

It’s only Me that makes you cry.

You are the puppet, and I: puppetmaster

You slow down but I run faster.

You are the slave; I don’t want to be master!

You’ll let me kill you – smile during and after.

Any way to make me love you more-

Your preoccupation with ‘amour’

-but I can’t love the way you do,

I cause the shit that you go through

To be the one on the other side

And still I run next door and hide,

I can’t appreciate the words you say,

Written in poems on a cold winter’s day

With ink so fine it could slit your throat,

You’d lay down and die, bleed on my coat,

And cry to me for the mess you made,

So sorry – just the work of a blade.

I give so little – you deserve so MUCH

But still those girls you will not touch.

You cannot see the world you create,

-the perfect haze upon your fate.

If only you knew

Just what I do

And cannot do

To love you

To completeness.

And so this noose will be my love

And send you to the clouds above

So that you may be rewarded

With some love, to be escorted,

By someone worthy of your self

I’ll see you there, when I’m in hell.

There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how...

Cos maybe, you're going to be the one that saves me...

You drive me crazy, you push my buttons, yeah I don't like your clothes anymore.
So I asked you to leave, I told you to leave, then I made you leave.
You make me insane with your incessant insecurities and your paranoia and your hair that I love to twist around my fingers. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

P.S. I love you

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	3:11 pm.
Music:	choke on this - senses fail.

okay so I'm going fishing with the guys from work, including Jacky Groves' [ew] ex-boyfriend and Jacinta's brother - what the hell do I wear?

Oh well like it matters. I just don't wanna freeze. Or get weird fishing crap on my clothes. Oh well I'll make Danjel do it all for me. I don't even know why I'm going. It's not like there's actually going to thrilling conversation or anything. And like... they all used to go to Leeming... but they're weird. Oh well. It might be fun. I might learn how to fish. Oh the excitement. I'd rather take concrete surfing, thanks. Or like, base jumping. Bungee jumping? Sky diving.

laa laa laaaa paaaula liikes daaanjel

Laa I'm gonna have to tape Veronica Mars... and my mum wanted to take us out to dinner... so we can do both heehee yaaaay

Milly I didn't see you today!!! :-O Duude that is noooot cool... that breaks the... 11 day record... or 10 days... I dno. oh weeeell

aaaaaaaaaaaargh

i can't find my grey singlet

ohmygod the world is ending, how dramatic.

can we have a girlie sleepover soon?

like kinky kimbly tinky and bitsy. and tegey?

HEEEY how come u all have aweosme nicknames ending in 'y' and im just a loser?

fiiiiiner.

y'all suck

love u whores

Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.

Time:	1:21 pm.
Music:	patron saint of liars and fakes - fall out boy.

If you search for the truth, you deserve the punishment for finding it.

A problem shared is a problem doubled, unless the person you share with, has the same problem, and then the knowledge of two sharing one problem becomes an emancipation, a freedom to confide with.

Why do we tell people things if we know it's going to hurt them, or make their lives harder? I guess it's because we selfishly accept their generous gift of friendship, and the way they ask us to be a part of their lives, to love them and hurt them, and yell at them and cry for them, and to entwine our souls with them so neither is alone. Because everyone needs someone to tell their problems to, I guess. And if you tell someone your problems, you have to listen to theirs. We think it's okay to tell people our problems, but we don't want to burden them with our own, but then we figure, hey, they - in a way - burdened me with their problems, which didn't really feel like much of a burden to me, so I guess I can tell them. And that's what trust in friendship is, I guess.

Laa dee dah who cares we're all gonna die anyway. We'll just have fun in the meantime... try to give our lives meaning. Have someone that meant the world to us, and that thought the world of us.

Spent most of last night
dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out, the jokes on you
he is salt and you are the wound

and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you into the worst situations
i'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat

your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears// rather ones that just don't care

try to forget how it feels inside

There was a question on letssingit, and it said "Could you find out a lot about a person from what kind of music they listen to?" And I thought "Yes," and then I realised, no. You can find out more about a person from the music they know every single word to. Cos then they aren't just listening to the music, they're living it. So you can't really just try and find the truth out from somebody else Krissy, cos then you won't get the whole truth or the whole story. You have to live the truth with somebody.

That's what I think anyway. But I'm always wrong.

That's what makes guessing more fun.

Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	My stories THE BESTEST IN THE WOOORLD HELL YEAH
Time:	10:58 pm.
Mood:	nervous.
Music:	Just Like Heaven {The Cure}.

PARST RELASHENSHIPS by me

Sidney was so upset, cos she thort Vaugn didn’t luv her, so she was crying herself to sleep.

“I can’t beleive he doesnt luv me. Hes with her and now nothing will be the same eva agen. Sidneee new nuthin wood eva be the same eva agen. She was so sad n crying herself to sleep b-cos nuffink wood eva b th. Same agen.

When she woke up theyre woz sunlite cumin in thru the windo.

‘shyt! I HAVE TO GET TO WORK’ thort sydnee. Got dressed she quickly n quickly went to work. She worked at the joynt task force for the cia with vaugn and his bytch wife lorren. She hated lorren tho becos lorren was vaugns wife and sydnie n vaugn had a parst relashenshipp afta sd7 woz taken down.

Oh no thort Siidknee, im late. Oh no I need my period I might be pregnant! But quickly she remembered that she wasnt pregnant, it was just the knew pill she had been using after she thort she mite have sex with vaugn afta she got back and then she didnt but she had forgot to switch back so she woz on the same one.

She raced in fastly n tripped over marshall.

‘HEY SID! He said when he saw her

HEY MARSHALL she said when he said that

“HOW ARE YOU’ he said after she sed that

NOT BAD she said to what he said.

“That’s REAL GOOD.’ he said

she said, yeah I have to go! BYE MARSHALL!

She was sad at leeving marshall.he was a gud freind too sidnye. Sidnee remembered she had a breafing and she ran fastly.

She was a bit late but she sat down and she hoped that nobodie notissed that she was l8.

‘sorry I am late’ she sed.

Vaugn didnt look at her evn tho he was the person she rilly wished wood look @ her.

‘I cant beleeve he snot looking at me.’ She sed.

Im not gunna look @ sid. ‘thout vorn.

‘he still isnt looking @ me ‘ she thort agen.

‘I cant look @ her’ he sed to himself in his head n not out loud becos he wass sitting next to his wife and sidnee was across the room.

Jack was nxt to sidnee and vorn was scared of him cos he n sidnee had a parst relashenshipp.

‘why isnt vorn looking at sidnee’ thort jack.

“okay everyone kendall started the breefing.

“u r goin on a very very very scary mishion. Please come back safe.”

“hae sid” said vorn when they were outta the room.

Sidney said ‘what?’

“will you be ok on the mishion? Vaugn asked

“yes of corse!” she sed meanly.

“ok” vaugn sed.

“fine” sid said

“just making sure” said vorn becos he didn’t want sid to no that he still cared slots aboot her and thort about her at nite when he was sposed to be sleeping or thinking about his wife, n he was thnkng bout sid.

“alrite. Lets meet at the airfield in a cupple a hours” sidknee sed to voagn.

“k” vagn sed to sidnee.”

“wot shall I bring” sidnee sed to vorn

“just mishion close” vorn sed to sidnee

“see u ther then” sidkney sed to vaugn

“righeo” horney vorney sed 2 sydnee thinking about wot might happn cos they mite’ve had a parst relashenshipp but he stil liked sid heeps, he thort she was amazn n he stil thort about her heeps even tho he had a wifer.

“L8ER THEN” sed sikneey to vorn

“yeh l8er”

l8er –

it was l8er n sydknee woz @ th. Eyrefealed waitin 4 vorn 2 show up so that cood go on there mishion to timbuktoo to retreave a peace of sensitive mishion disk.

Otay Geoffwee, cos I'm chickenshyt and you said you wanted to read one of my stories, I decided to give you that one, heh, cos it's kind of a mockery of people hu tlk lyk dis and crap, and I was too scared to actually put myself on the line, but whatever, my teacher had to read this one since it was for English and I actually like it kindof, even though I'd change and edit it a lot now but aargh I can't so aaanyway... love you baby.

Purgatory

They all just wanted to know why she did it.

The broken shards of her mind were all they had expected impossible, but their illusions were quickly shattered, after The Incident.

There are many things in this world considered to be impossible. But the one possibility that was always most real to them, was that she would always have her strength, the ability to hold them all together. All of them, and herself. That was their certainty. She was their certainty.

~~~

Blood pounded past her eyes, the low rumbling, the only noise she could hear. She blinked twice fast, a breath of air making it’s way between her lips before she saw the flicker of her own eyelids, a dark resolution. A sharp movement from the corner of her vision caught her bloodshot eye’s attention, but she didn’t move. She couldn’t move.

She saw them before she heard them, only the echo of their cries and shouts in her head. Their mouths moving fast, too quickly to process, panic in their alert eyes as they looked at her, before running to find help, she guessed. One stayed with her, tugging cautiously on her shoulder, an attempt at revival, but by now, the touch was barely lucid. Her world was numb, and all she could hear was the loud thumping, resonating in the distant word she had trapped herself in. The pounding was a constant drumbeat in her head and on her brain, making it feel as though her head might collapse from the pressure as she sat there, slumped against the wall in the dim room, forbidden sunlight peeking through the cracks in the worn blinds. To the world, she was both deaf and mute, and in honest truth, that’s how she felt, her dry lips nor normally-alert ears were working, and all she could do was watch the familiar and unfamiliar faces as they became increasingly hazy, not stopping in their travels as they rushed in and out of the room, never bringing any noise into the room with them. None that she could hear, anyway.

She felt an increasing pressure on her arms and looked down to see the standard clean white towels pressed firmly to her creamy skin, a deep crimson liquid staining the purity as it seeped steadily from the jagged criss-crosses etched into her skin, marring from her wrist to her elbow.

I never thought//I’d die alone//I laughed the loudest//Who’d have known?

Their wide, fearful eyes were all she could see as the tedious drumbeat continued in her head, her vision clouding before her heavy eyes shut, but just for a moment, and then longer still, until she was drowning in a sea of darkness; paralysed, and even the drumbeat had disappeared.

Has no one told you she’s not breathing?//Hello, I’m your mind giving you someone to talk to…

~~~

From September 26th, 2002, there was always happiness and laughter, not just in Deidre’s life, but in everyone’s. The world was constantly smiling, in a way they had all created for themselves, since their priceless friendship had formed. Their bond was as unbreakable as their forever linked hands, and anyone who had the luck to view what they shared, truly believed in soul mates, in the form of two best friends, the smiling and spirited teenage girls.

~~~

They had crossed paths by fate, but befriended each other by choice. Being thrown into the same classes at their intimidating new school had been a solid tie, causing both to commence their stricter and more mature years of education with an early ally.

Deidre was lively and spirited; strong and courageous, game for anything, but only after discovering her true self after Isabella had befriended her. Deidre trusted wisely, determining a person’s true nature easily, and those whom passed her test were entrusted not only with her secrets, but were given hope and faith from the girl who not only believed in the efforts of herself, but those around her. The indomitable will she possessed was always a blessing, but not many would say the same about her stubborn streak. However, her fierce loyalty always protected and cherished those close to her, including her believed Godsend, Isabella.

Isabella was a true sprite, her innocent curiosity and lively eyes awarding her the adoration of many, and her easygoing nature saw many forged friendships, but none compared to her own guardian angel, Deidre. Isabella’s sometimes introverted nature was a strong force with Deidre-the-talker, who seemed to bring Isabella out of her shell, to the delight of many. But both always knew instinctively when to listen and when to talk. Isabella’s quick acceptance of everything made her world light-hearted and she was quick to forgive when others would not. Possessing a magical smile had also always been a life-saver, but her sweet childishness gave Isabella no cause for deception, and so her honesty exterior was simply a physical characteristic of herself.

With their easy friendship and live grins, it appeared as though her laughter would never fade.

Weeping willow with your tears running down
Why do you always weep and frown?
Is it because she left one day?
Is it because she could not stay?
On your branches she would swing
Do you long for the happiness that they would bring?
She found shelter in your shade
We thought her laughter would never fade
Weeping willow stop your tears
There is something to calm your fears
You think death as if you forever part
But I know she’ll always be in your heart

The two girls’ friendship was a beloved certainty, consisting of a bond only death could break, as the occurrence would leave one of them behind, with only haunted moment, dissipating memories, and half a soul.

~~~

They had been everything that both of them had always wanted, supportive, comforting, and sheltering.

Deidre had grown up with shadows all around her, and had never felt any desire to share her dark stories.

She had been broken, but Isabella had fixed her anyway, and they had adjusted to a charmed life, creating their own equilibrium.

Eyes bright and alive
An upturned mouth
Teeth grinning
Happily
Companionably
Hand outstretched
Knowing I need it
But you hold on just as tight
Your hugs are safe and secure
Never broken
My soul has been broken
Screwed-up//Shattered
You help
Piece by piece
It's so hard to be sad
When I have you
Looking into my eyes
Seeing my heart
Knowing my thoughts
Seeing my soul
Feeling my sadness
Helping me
Healing me
Holding me
But not too hard
Just enough
Enough so that the tiny pieces
Become larger
Not so many
But still it hurts
And yet you stay
Warm and loving
I want to help you
Like you help me
Sometimes it's too hard to smile
But you make it easier
I could never stop loving you
Whatever I do to push you away
Doesn't work
And you're always by my side
My guardian angel
Stronger than ever
How do I make it up to you?
There ain't nothin' I wouldn't do
To prove how much I love you
Need you
Love you
You're too special
To everyone
But mostly to me
Because you have to believe me
When I say
No one could ever possibly love anyone as much as I love you
I Promise Promise
Through hell or high water
Together Forever
I Promise Promise

Since their friendship began, anything tense or harsh about their lives seemed to fade away, surrounded by their charming friends, and living in a world of seemingly everlasting happiness, never expecting one wrong turn to change everything.

~~~

It was just the way she was. Deidre’s insecurity had left her when her bond with Isabella was forged, but her previous sadness was not forgotten. And one certain event was all it would take to break her.

~~~

This is the story of a girl//Who cried a river and drowned the whole world…

~~~

Her name was Deidre. There was an old story, of a religious woman whom had died of a broken heart over 200 years before.

The man that Deidre had married 240 years ago had been her only true love; no one denied the unadulterated strength and happiness of their love. He had been thrown from a horse into a rocky river, and there was no doubt that he had been killed.

The current Deidre, Isabella’s Deidre, held the name of that ancestor whom had lost her true love in the horrible accident all those years ago, leaving the original Deidre with two young daughters in the eighteenth century. From the old story, Deidre knew that she and her great x12 grand mother had been similar in many ways. But no one had expected history to repeat itself, in a completely different yet identical way.

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears//When you screamed I’d fight away all of your fears//I held your hand through all of these years//But you still held//All of me

It seemed Deidre and her great grandmother were Destined for the same fate. To live without the person they lived for.

~~~

The strong smell of copper filled her nose as she opened the door, and she would have thought that the room was empty if not for the strong odour. She looked around the door.

“Deid-,” her breath caught in her throat at the sight of her friend leaning against the wall, her arms turned up on her knees with the source of the smell, red liquid pouring from the deep cuts on Deidre’s arm.

Erica screamed in despair, a shriek coming out in slow motion, Rachel joining her in the doorway with a look of wonder on her face before she spotted what had provoked her friend’s scream. As though time had slowed, her head moved slowly to spot Deidre as she was, a pool of blood on the floor in front of her as it dripped down her arms into her hands and flowed over, staining the carpet.

The next twenty seconds were a blur; a rush of colour. Rachel pounded down the hall to get help, Emily rushing in to study her friend. She knelt by Deidre’s side, watching her friend in horror. Deidre’s normally warm, chocolate eyes were blank and emotionless, but they didn’t completely lie, as pearly tears escaped, rolling down her smooth cheeks.

Erica simply watched on in terror, impossible disbelief in her eyes.

The unimaginable had happened. And as the vertigo set in, both girls knew that with one death had come another.

~~~

Shooting up in bed, all she heard was her own laboured breathing, all she saw was the dark outline of her breathing, all she felt was that of her heart and soul tearing apart within herself.

It hurt to bad, her heart, wrenching inside itself as though being tugged on by a hundred heavy chains in a hundred different directions at the same time. But what puzzled her most was that it ached, something felt very long, but she had been sleeping, the only sleep she’d gotten all night.

A usual insomniac, tonight was no different, but Deidre had finally been able to find a jittery slumber, ergo with the feeling of dread within the pit of her stomach. But with her current indescribable torture, she doubted she would sleep again that night.

It was normal, not to be able to sleep, but that night at 1.09am, she wanted; she needed to sleep-so bad.

~~~

I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away…//

The moon hung high in the sky, a bright glowing orb in the dark of night. Deidre paced around her room, her eyes clouded over with a haze. A thought hit her mind, before her heard snapped up and she went into the bathroom, kneeling before the cupboard under the sink and opening it. She felt around, finally laying her hand on sharp metal and taking out a razor blade. She swallowed hard, and got to her feet stretching her arm out over the sink.

It wasn’t the right place.

Stepping back into her room, Deidre looked to the framed photos of her family and friends on her bedside table. None of them could help her now. Her eyes flickered to the photo of Isabella, the glass smashed from a moment of weakness when Deidre has thrown it against the wall. Even Isabella wouldn’t help her.

And my words will be here when I’m gone…//

Deidre stared hard at the notepad by the frames. She considered leaving a note, but she could only think of two possible words to write.

I’m sorry.

She knew she had betrayed them all. She had sworn to always protect them, always be strong for them. Sworn to have an indomitable will and unbreakable spirit. Given that, no one had expected Deidre’s world to ever shatter… but still.

~~~

Deidre and Isabella had their own sacred method of easily being able to trust each other. If either of them ever demanded a promise from the other, they would cross their index and middle fingers on their right hand, kiss it, and encircle their heads with it, uttering ‘Promise-promise’ as they did, because they both believed that if you truly meant something, you had to mean it enough to say it twice.

So the two would speak the words, knowing that their promises were being kept.

“If I ever die,” Isabella started, stating carefully, “the one thing I want you to keep, apart from like, all my CDs and photo albums, is your strength.”

“What?” Deidre laughed with slight alarm.

“Your strength. Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve always been so strong for everyone. Like, I know that you weren’t always like that and stuff, but, you’re always strong for your mum and me and Rachel and Summer and Erica. You have to always be strong for them, cos I know you always can be.”

“Okay,” Deidre smiled.

“Promise-promise.”

“Promise-promise,” she repeated, truly meaning the vow, as she performed their soulful action of kissing her crossed fingers and encircling her head with them.

Isabella smiled in return, reassured. Deidre smiled, knowing that Isabella would never die anyway, but if she did, Deidre could and would stay strong for her friends, always, for Isabella.

Don't turn away//(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide//(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes//(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light//(Never sleep, never die)

Staring at the notepad, Deidre had to force herself to blink. She knew the two words wouldn’t be any good. They would show sorrow, and regret, but not at all what she was thinking, why she felt she had to do this. They wouldn’t undo what had happened. They wouldn’t undo all she had done. Or, hadn’t done.

She knew that she had committed an act that was, in her opinion, punishable by death. The one tangible thing to Deidre had always been Isabella.

In their worlds, of divorce, heartbreak, dropping grades, constant pressure and the uncertainty of whom their real friends were, they had always been able to rely on each other fore comfort, security and the honour that they would never lie to each other, and never break their promise.

Deidre had broken their promise. She wasn’t strong at all, and she hadn’t been since that night of incorrigible pain. She’d finally decided it was an adequate time to get up, but that was when it shattered. No more illusions. No more Isabella. No more happiness.

~~~

Pushing back the covers insistently, her gut still aching with an unknown ailment. Deidre made her way to the kitchen, scuffing her bare feet as she went.

She saw the two figures standing by the bench, but was greeted only by silence until she heard her mother sniffle and saw the other figure shift uncomfortably. Her head snapped up, the sight of a sympathetic-looking police officer with his hat over his heart and her mother’s tearstained cheeks a few feet away.

Her mother didn’t look at her, the only talking to the noisy refrigerator behind Deidre’s head.

“Babes… Isabella’s dad-” her mother’s sentence was interrupted by a loud sniffle before she continued, “-sent Officer Nickelby over here to – tell you…”

Deidre remembers the rest of that day in a foggy haze, but she does remember finally understanding the reason for her tense gut before feeling the uncontrollable need to RUN, to get away, before she sprinted into the backyard before throwing up the entire contents of her stomach, which wasn’t much.

All she remembers is the pain. She had expected a feeling of disbelief, but her leaden heart made her know that the harsh realty was, in fact, that. A reality.

The pain wouldn’t stop. Darkness was engulfing her, and Deidre was powerless to stop it. It wouldn’t go away. It was with her every thought, reminding her every second that her world was broken. And that knowledge hurt so much that she couldn’t sit still.

~~~

Deidre stood against the stark white wall, resting her head on the cool surface before her knees buckled and she slid to the floor, finally kneeling. She looked to her bedside table, putting herself in clear view of her witnesses, those she had betrayed.

Even though she was the only person knew, it didn’t make it any less of a crime.

She deserved to die. She didn’t deserve the caring looks or the sympathetic hugs, or the treasured letters and forgotten moments.

Deidre knew that is no one else would sentence her to punishment, she would punish herself. Her world became that of a purgatory.

She drove the blade angrily into her right wrist, watching numbly as angry led liquid seeped out. At least she wouldn’t have to deal with everyone’s disappointment. And they would never garner any knowledge of her betrayal.

I've been looking in the mirror for so long
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side
All the little pieces fallen, shatter
Shards of me, too sharp to put back together
Too small to matter
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces
If I try to touch her and I bleed, I bleed
And I breathe
I breathe no more

Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child
Lie to me; convince me that I've been sick forever
And all of this will make sense when I get better
I know the difference between myself and my reflection
I just can't help but to wonder
Which of us do you love?
So I bleed, I bleed
And I breathe, I breathe no more
Bleed, I bleed
And I breathe, I breathe
I breathe
I breathe no more

Biting her lip, she dug deeper, dragging the blade across her forearm to her elbow as the arm began to quiver, a trail of blood having followed the sharp blade.

A stream of red dripped unsteadily onto her arm as she raised the blade, trembling and repositioned it above her left wrist. She dragged the blade toward her elbow, a stream of red chasing it before she repeated the action, her right hand numbing heavily.

She looked up at her witnesses, feeling her right arm rain onto her left as she did so.

She deserved to die. Nothing else could possibly make up for all she’d done. Resting the backs of her hands on her knees, she pointed them down her arms, blood pooling into her hands before trickling onto the floor.

With tears forming in her eyes, she leaned her head back against the wall, begging for her soul to be purged.

She closed her eyes tightly, trying not to focus on the stinging pain from both her arms, but not being able to think of anything else, either. She was haunted by the sight of the slick blood sliding down her creamy wrists, disturbing the softness, a recurring viewing on the backs of her eyelids.

The pounding of the pain started, her arms throbbing.

Even if dying hurt, it couldn’t possibly hurt as much as living.

~~~

It had been barely 8am on a Monday morning when Deidre had made her way back into the house, and ran to her room, ignoring her mother’s far-away cries.

She had locked herself in her room and stayed there for no less than three days, using the toilet and drinking water from her sink in the adjoining bathroom. She showered at least three times a day in that time, letting the warm water beat down on her hard, mixing with the tears so that they became indistinguishable from each other.

The days were a blur of pain and tears and heartache, dragging on at the time, but seeming to have flashed by when Deidre thought of them later.

When she finally left her room it was Thursday, lunchtime, and the sun was high in the sky, mocking Deidre with it’s bright glare, indifferent to the depression caused by Isabella’s death.

~~~

The sky was blue with puffy white clouds, golden halos of light filtering through the clouds below the dazzling sun on the day of Isabella’s funeral; the weather an obvious contrast to everyone’s moods as they pulled up to the cemetery.

Deidre was outraged, but like she did everyday, she suppressed her real emotions, appearing on the surface as though she was perfectly fine.

No one was smiling, there were no happy glances at all, everyone was morbid and sombre, mourning the lost life. It just… it wasn’t what Isabella would have wanted. She was never a sad person; instead she brought light to the lives all around her. The sadness didn’t fit, it was like a piece of jigsaw puzzle too big for the space, it didn’t make any sense, and it just didn’t go there. It had always seemed that nothing related to Isabella was ever sad or depressing, so why should her funeral be such? Weren’t funerals a reflection of the life, not the death?

Isabella had lived such a great life, no one was doing Deidre’s best friend any justice! They all should have just been happy and blessed to have known her, why were they so bitter? Deidre wasn’t bitter, she just didn’t want to live without Isabella. But she wasn’t mad, or sad. She was still trying to protect those that Isabella had left behind.

No one was doing her memory any justice by being depressed, it was unfair. Deidre felt as though it wasn’t fair to anyone, especially not Isabella. Although she couldn’t change anything, because she didn’t want to smile either. The impact of Isabella’s death had been so hard that Deidre no longer wanted to live. She preferred to not live at all rather than to live without her best friend.

Since the night Deidre’s platonic soul mate had drowned sorrowfully under the Canyon Creek bridge, her barren sleep had been plagued by haunting dreams and fitful nightmares.

They were dreams with pain and sadness, bottomless black pits filled with darkness and nightmares with endless screams, and the sound of a Land Cruiser making a large splash somewhat distantly.

Deidre would wake screaming, tears pouring down her cheeks, yelling and pounding her fists on the wall. Her parents never heard, their continual yelling from their bedroom at the other end of the house more than drowned out Deidre’s desperate cries.

So she buried her pain, and even more as they buried her best friend six feet under, lowering the thin wooden coffin into the ground, never again to see the light of day.

~~~

The funeral dragged on, thick tears trailing down Deidre’s face, and not only because she was crying for her best friend, but because there was no real mention of Isabella’s true spirit. The eulogy seemed so fake, not at all real details of the beautiful person that Isabella had been, touching everyone’s heart with goodness and virtue.

~~~

Before she had met Isabella, she cut herself. Just occasionally, but there was always something calming about the cool blade slicing her wrists. Never too deep, just deep enough to see a trickle of blood, so that the pain on the inside disappeared, leaving only the sadistically good feeling of the pain on the outside.

“But nothing ever makes it all better.”

Deidre had never truly been happy. She went through friends fast and the best friend she’d had since she was five had recently started to hate and be scared of Deidre after a moment of weakness had seen Deidre impulsively slap her long-time best friend.

So she had been left alone, just as she was every day after school, all alone, and never having the courage to talk about anything that was truly important to her with her mother.

Then came the cutting. Gently but firmly pulling a sharp object over her skin, wanting to make the pain on the inside go away. Sometimes she used a pair of scissors, sometimes a safety pin, sometimes scissors, even a sharp razor she had unscrewed from her pencil sharpener, and once, a kitchen knife, which didn’t have the desired effect. She liked long, shallow cuts where the blood came to the surface before ten seconds was even up.

She thought she was stupid for doing it and regretted it a day or two later, but at the time, when her world had been so screwed up, the rushing addiction of seeing her own blood lightly trickling down from the small cuts on her wrist was all that took the invisible pain away.

It was a release, enabling Deidre a belligerent escape from her cold depressions, and she thought she had stopped forever, for on September 22nd, 2000, she cut for the last time.

For a while, anyway.

~~~

I’ve found a reason for me//To change who I used to be//A reason to start over new//And the reason is you

Deidre had been sitting in her seat, ready for another dreary day st school in a trivial life, bored to death, never truly connecting with another person the way that it all seemed to happen on TV, with happy best friends and lots of hugs.

She sighed to herself tiredly, a retired expression on her face as the room was flooded with natural light, the sun coming out from where it had been hiding behind the clouds as it began to streak halos of yellow and gold. Deidre looked up, a smiling young girl standing beside her, a large yet hesitant smile across her face.

“Hi,” she offered.

“Hi,” Deidre echoed, smiling shyly up at the girl. It was September 26th, and she hadn’t cut for four days, but the morning had already started off pitifully, having an argument with her mother about her homework on the way to school, and she knew she’d need a release tonight. She hadn’t talked to any of her friends in their small group yet that day, but she didn’t really feel as though she fit in with them anyway, she was constantly yearning for a like-soul, true company of any kind.

The girl carefully pulled out the seat beside Deidre, smiling sweetly. “Mrs Griff said I could sit here, I hope that’s okay.”

“Yeah, that’s totally cool. Mrs Griff is a cool teacher.” Deidre had noticed how the girl already called her new teacher by her nickname, obviously already fitting in after barely being in the class for ten minutes. She had a sweet aura, as though everything was going to be okay, and Deidre suddenly felt at home and settled.

She didn’t think she’d need that release of pain after all.

I found a rose
And cut my finger on a thorn
I look at your smile
And want to cry
Do you see the way my eyes glass over?
I want you to see
I'm not living so happily

I prayed for sunshine
My wish was granted
But then came the storm
Echoing in my head
Thundering
Everywhere

I look in the mirror
Is that me?
I thought I was happy

I can hide
But I want you to see my pain
It's real
As real as the cuts on my wrist
The blade drawn over smooth skin
In a moment of desperation
I needed to scream
Shout
Cry
To let it go

I can get it go in front of you
But sometimes
You look as though you're scared
Do I scare you?
I looked in the mirror
I scare me
I see me
It terrifies me

Will you love me anyway?
You are my rose
But my world is full of thorns
They cut//slice//wound
You kiss it better

But nothing ever makes it all better

~~~

When she was growing up, Deidre’s parents had both worked 9-5 jobs, and were home an hour later due to the commute, so Deidre was familiar with relying on herself for everything, being completely independent. Whenever she cried, she cried to herself. She never used to talk to anyone about her problems, she’d tell her old plastic horse, Princess Sparkle of the My Little Pony brand, or she’d just keep it inside, not even uttering the problems to a friend found in a childhood comfort. But eventually the sadness would start to build up and hurt, so Deidre would cut herself. It wasn’t like her parents ever noticed anyway. They had their own problems, they were both growing further apart, and Deidre could have sworn that they hated each other. She’d Promise-promise. That’s how certain she was. For a Promise-promise is not to be taken lightly, nor has it ever been broken.

So no one noticed their’s daughters continuing pain, as the cuts on her wrist became longer, and she began wearing more and more bracelets and long-sleeved shirts to hide the cuts. No one ever noticed. No one ever would.

Which is why Deidre kept it all to herself, finding the semblance of solace in her independence, her only liberation, pulling a blade across her wrist, watching in silence as red gently rose it’s way to the surface. It seemed to make it all better.

But nothing ever makes it all better.

~~~

The two girls had become fast friends, sitting together in each and every class, walking home along the same route, and spending weekends at each other’s houses. After just a year of closeness, they truly were already inseparable, becoming lonely for their other ‘other-half’ while not with them. They also both became closer to Erica, Summer and Rachel, and the five were soon also best friends, all trusting each other freely with their fears and secrets. Sleepovers became a months ritual, with chatter and giggles far past sunrise, whichever room filling with saccharine cheer.

I wanted you to know// That I love the way you laugh

Isabella’s presence in life had led Deidre to be perfectly happy, no memories of her previous darkness, and Isabella had led Deidre to have more than just one best friend, inserting so much welcome light into Deidre’s life and heart.

The girls all thought that they were invincible. They thought they’d be friends until they were ninety, old and wrinkled, playing bowls all day. Together, forever.

But shit happens.

~~~

Have you ever wondered what life is about?//You could search the world and never figure it out//You don't have to sail the oceans, no, no, no//Happiness is no mystery, it's here now, it's you and me//

Shrieks of laughter resonated around the room, the obvious happiness bouncing off the pink, trimmed walls of Isabella’s bedroom. The duo giggled again, their faces erupting into large smiles when they glances at each other, remembering the hilarity of the inside joke.

This was a regular appearance, both girls finding humour together in the most asinine of situations. They shared such a connection that one look or gaze could have them both bursting into outrageous laughter, immediately realising what the other was thinking of and both finding the matter insanely funny.

The vibrant happiness rebounded throughout the room, figurative light dancing around, their eyes lit up with sheer joyfulness.

When the two were together, the world was shinier somehow, lit up for both of them with magical twinkles, making obvious the intuitive connection belonging to Isabella and Deidre’s hearts.

Their minds were curiously joined, many thought it was sweet that the two could guess each other’s Charades choices, or their pick for ‘I Spy With My Little Eye,’ but all Deidre and Isabella found it to be was fun, amusing, and highly intense. So intense that Deidre felt goosebumps chilling her arms, the prickly sensation an eerie comfort. To Deidre, everything with Isabella was comforting, sweet and secure.

You're in the arms of the angel//May you find some comfort here

There was such a nostalgic need for each other’s company, an encompassing need to be in the presence of their best friend, always feeling as though they had a millions things to tell one another.

They both barely had to think before knowing instinctively how the other was feeling, facial expressions told them everything.

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me//There’s a truth in your eye saying you’ll never leave me//The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me whenever I fall//You say it best when you say nothing at all

They both knew that one living without the other would be the ultimate pain. They would want to die.

Isabella had made Deidre’s life stable again, becoming something that Deidre wanted to live for. Deidre loved her other friends, and relied on them a lot too, but she knew that none of them loved her like Isabella did.

Would you believe me if I told you that no one could ever possibly love anyone as much as I love you?

With Isabella, Deidre’s life was stable, balanced… happy. Without Isabella, it was unbalanced. And without Isabella, Deidre no longer saw any reason to live. Her vision would haze, if ever her best friend was no there, and death would seem like the only option had her best friend not been there to give supplement of happy hugs and laughter. Without her best friend, there would be no reason.

Anything without Isabella had no sense or reason.

~~~

It could have happened to anyone. A drunk postal worker fell asleep at the wheel of the bright red van, swerving into the wrong lane in the dark night. Isabella’s mother had tried to avoid him, turning fast, and their car had crashed into a barrier on the side of the bridge, falling heavily into the body of water below. Their bodies had been found at the bottom of the river, both having tried to swim their way to the surface, but the icy current had drowned their attempts. Isabella’s form had been in cute pyjamas, simply on the way to pick her older brother up from his work at the local McDonald’s.

~~~

Deidre had been laying on her bed, listening to the soulful melody of a CD, the soft chords in her head, when she had felt an unexplainable heartache ripping through her entire body. But it seemed more of a desperate ache felt from the depth of her very soul.

She barely slept that night, her small amounts of sleep plagued by nightmares of screaming darkness. Her vision was blurred as she tossed and turned, objects becoming endless blobs, and she would have run scared to her mother, had she not felt paralysed with terror. Immobilizing fear had stemmed from her very core so that she could no longer move. She was so confused, not knowing at all why she felt that way. So she pulled her legs to her chest, wrapped herself under the covers and squeezed her eyes tightly shut, waiting for the dark of night to fade away to the light of a welcome day.

Only when the day came to reveal it’s truth would Deidre suddenly wish it had never arrived, and never would again.

When she discovered the answer to why she felt as though she was only half a person, as though part of her had gone, she would not like it. When she discovered that her soul had disappeared.

Cos I’m broken//When I’m lonesome//And I don’t feel right//When you’re gone away

~~~

Death was the only way for Deidre to be with her best friend again. There really was no point in living if Isabella was not there to bring all the happiness to Deidre’s life. Death was the only way to purify Deidre of her betrayal, her sins. Her friends wouldn’t mind if she died. They had already been betrayed. A little more wouldn’t hurt.

Look for the girl with the broken smile…

~~~

A week after Isabella’s funeral, Deidre was made to see a psychologist, whom was supposed to ‘help her deal’. Help her deal. As if she’d ever get over the death of her best friend. As if she would ever want to deal.

Deidre knew that therapy was no good, she knew nothing would ever stop her from wanting to die, every day. But her parents insisted, and her friends thought it was for the best.

Me//talking to myself in public//And dodging glances on the train//And I know
I know they've all been talkin' bout me//I can hear them whisper//And it makes me think//There must be something//Wrong with me

They all seemed to forget, she was the one supposed to take care of them. She had sworn, and she was furious with herself for not keeping that promise. So she knew she had to.

She also knew how skilled she was at the art of deception. After two months of weekly appointments in which she appeared to be ‘healing’, learning ‘how to deal’, and appearing to be a resilient teen, Deidre still cried herself to sleep at night. She convinced herself that she was fine, that she really could take care of everyone else. She had to try, and she would, because she was ‘okay’ and ‘coping’ and ‘healing’. Only in the weak recesses of her mind would the truth reveal itself.

It seemed that someone so skilled at the art of deception was in danger of deceiving herself.

~~~

Deidre’s parents were sure that she was ‘coping’, and ‘handling the loss well’. Deidre felt as if someone had ripped at both her heart and soul, nailed them to a wall of pins, drilled a hole through them, whipped them with a Cat of Nine tails, and then stamped on them a whole lot. That was the short version, anyway.

The cruellest thing in the world would be for one of them to have to live without the other.

If the world wanted to break Deidre, all they had to do was rip Isabella from her. That was all it had to do to break her.

The world succeeded. Deidre had been broken.

~~~

She was the girl with the broken smile. She barely talked, but when she did, she was withdrawn and lucid. Her lethargic expression revealed nothing, and the blank stares on furthered confusion.

She had seemed to be doing fine, adjusted.

Three months and sixteen days after Isabella’s body, along with her mother’s, were found in the green water below the nearest bridge, Deidre broke– shattered.

But still no one noticed. It wasn’t like it was a big thing, and they’d never noticed before so she wasn’t sure why she’d expected them to now. But 3 years and seven months after not cutting, Deidre suddenly had an uncontrollable urge to slash her wrists. But she didn’t. She knew she had to hold it together. But she didn’t do that either.

So she screamed. Ripped open her lungs in an empty park, wailing and crying and screaming into the night sky, before collapsing on the wet grass and sobbing uncontrollably, her broken soul with no way to repair it. Because Isabella was no longer there.

In the days after her mental collapse, Deidre had no idea what was going on in anyone else’s mind, but no one had been able to think straight after Isabella had left them all. She had been too good for this world, and none of them would ever forget it.

~~~

It had been three months and nineteen days of increasing head and heartaches for Deidre. More tension, more tears, and after three months and sixteen days, Deidre had finally succumbed to the need of collapsing and screaming. A release. But not the one she wanted.

She wanted the release, the liberation, the freedom that arrived with death. When she could soar through the sky and not have to worry about ever crashing or falling again.

~~~

The moment of truth seemed to occur during more than one moment.

In honesty, the moment of truth came every day, every day when she looked at the vacant desk beside her, every day when she thought every single thought, because all related to Isabella, and how couldn’t they? Every single day when they needed Isabella, like they had always needed her, except now she wasn’t there. Isabella had told Deidre that Deidre could take care of them all, but in truth, Isabella had been the glue. She’d kept them all from falling apart, and without her, they did fall apart. They needed a shoulder to cry on, and everyone started using Deidre… she seemed fine…

But she had failed them. She knew it, she deserved to die. She’d failed Isabella. She deserved to rot in hell.

But she just wanted peace… just wanted her best friend.

~~~

For Deidre, nothing in the three and a half months since Isabella’s death had felt as calming as sitting there with blood pouring from her open veins.

I tried to kill my pain//But only brought more//I lay dying//And I’m pouring crimson regret and betrayal//I’m dying//Praying//Bleeding//And screaming//Am I too lost to be saved?//Am I too lost?

Without Isabella, the world was even more screwed up, if possible. It just didn’t make sense to Deidre, why would anyone take Isabella away?

For the world’s more full of weeping, than you can understand…

Perhaps it was Deidre’s fate, just like it had been her great-grandmother’s, all those years ago. To live without the one they had loved above anything. Perhaps their name was cursed. That was what it meant, Deidre: died of a broken heart.

~~~

Deidre didn’t know how long she sat there, blinking ever so often, her thoughts disappearing as quickly as the dribble of scarlet into the stained carpet. She vaguely remembered that her friends had been supposed to come over later that night after the pathetic comedy movie they had wanted to see. Deidre removed the thought from her mind, compartmentalizing it like she did everything.

As she faced the sun, she//Cast no shadow

And then the most hilarious thing happened. The door opened slowly and Erica peeked in. Deidre saw the shock, the terror on Erica’s face almost immediately, but only slightly, her vision blurring, her hearing impaired. She screamed, and then Rachel was there too. They seemed to speak to each other in a foreign language, or maybe it was just because Deidre could no longer understand English. It was then that she realised they weren’t going to help her. Helping her would be leaving her alone. They were going to try to stop her.

Don’t try to fix me//I’m not broken

With that realisation, Deidre suddenly became both borderline calm and yet completely anxious. But she couldn’t move. She sat there frozen, just barely watching as anarchy unfolded, open-mouthed sobs and torn eyes.

They took away the razor blade when Summer came in with white towels. White. The colour of innocence. A trait that Deidre felt she in no way possessed. She tried to move her arms away as they started to wrap them in the towels, but saw she couldn’t move them. And then her eyelids drooped, but she could still see them… Isabella too.

And if you have to leave//I wish that you would just leave//Cos your presence still lingers here//And it won’t leave me alone

All she had wanted was to be strong for them. Trying to be storng had made her weak.

I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away//

Deidre opened her eyes slightly and saw the horrified faces of her friends staring back, her mother bending over them with enough tears streaming down her face to rival Deidre’s on any day of the week.

Deidre tried to raise her head, but the only view was the crimson sadness, soaking the makeshift bandages of the towels. Her eyes closed again, not wanting to see the fear and disappointment written all over their faces. And the betrayal. All she saw now was darkness.

“Deidre!” Her mother sounded so far away, a distant echo. She felt her mummy’s arms around her, and suddenly she was being lifted, her body tiny from not eating, not feeling the need, but it would have been a good idea as she was not even able to stop her head from lolling to her mother’s breast, hearing the erratic heartbeat, but nothing else.

Can you hear me?//Can you feel me in your arms?//Holding my last breath

“Deidre!” Her mother called, harsher and more panicked. She really did want to open her eyes that time. But the world behind her eyelids was becoming even darker. Until Isabella appeared, a welcome figure.

Everytime I sleep, you’re in my dreams//I see your face//You’re haunting me//I guess I need you baby

“Deidre!” Her mother’s echo was disappearing now. That was the last thing Deidre heard.

And Isabella was smiling, but it was hazy, like a dream.

Do you remember me?//Lost for so long?//Will you be on the other side, or will you forget me?

The shadows came again, darker. Then, complete darkness. Not even any images. Darkness.

Has no one told you she’s not breathing?//Hello, I’m your mind giving you someone to talk to…

~~~

Her mother’s voice had been the last she’d heard before welcoming the realm of unconsciousness. And her mother’s face was the first she saw when she’d woken up. Then, more faces, as the days passed steadily and slowly. Always the same facial expressions. Fearful, disappointed. Betrayed. Or maybe it was just that Deidre had retreated so far into herself that she convinced they all looked betrayed and disappointed. Maybe they were just scared. Scared for Deidre.

Or maybe they really were disappointed. No one had known of Deidre’s promise to Isabella. And even though it weighed down on her every day, they’d not been disappointed.

This time was worse. They all knew about this disappointment.

~~~

Now we lost it all//And we can’t go back//I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

It took a four month long recovery, and a three-year long admission to a recovery centre, but Deidre still lives.

She understands now.

She has to pay. To die would be to take the easy way out.

She still talks to Isabella sometimes, full conversations in her head, and never even imagines that it isn’t real. But yet, somehow she knows she isn’t talking to her best friend. That wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be a punishment. And that knowledge pains her every day. Not talking to her best friend isn’t the real punishment.

She has to go through every day of her life without Isabella. That’s the real purgatory. The purgatory that will hopefully make up for her betrayal.

This time, she really is strong. She lives every day, without the one person that could take the pain away. And her soul is cleansed through that deprivation.

That’s what she believes anyway.

I’m not crazy//I’m just a little unwell//I know, right now you can’t tell//But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see//A different side of me

This is her purgatory.

So much for my happy ending…
~~FIN~~

Poems belong to me.

Lyrics are property of: Evanescence, Seether, Nine Days, Oasis, Simple Plan, Blink 182, Hoobastank, Ronan Keating, Matchbox 20, Avril Lavigne, Hilary Duff ::cough::, Sarah McLachlan, Maroon 5 and Britney Spears.

Dedicated to my Twink: Kimby. Love you lots, gorgeous. :P And danke muchaley for pointing out my errors. :P All 4 of them. ::blush::

I made the coverpage… that’s probly why it sucks. :P

Thanks Mel for the inspiration.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	good girls don't swallow
Time:	1:50 pm.
Music:	The Cure - JUST LIKE HEAVEN.

TEN FIRSTS
First Thing You Ate Today: Diet Coke... does that count? Some rice.
First Best Friend: Samantha
First Screen Name: charmedbabe22
First Pet: Kyjaley, whom cost $1.75
First Piercing: My ears with Kristen in like yr 8.
First Crush: Daniel Rimkus in ur 5. HEEHEE
First CD: I think the Dawson's Creek Soundtrack. or Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer.
First Car I Drove: BESSIE!!! Bucko's Bessie, heeheehee... but I wouldn't exactly call that 'driving'... and I haven't driven since.
First Stuffed Animal: PINKY!!!
First Concert: Bardot... heh... yeah... I don't think that really counts. First real concert was Good Charlotte.

NINE LASTS
Last Alcoholic Beverage: Some blue ice vodka on saturday night with Ray
Last Car Ride: Uuum... yesterday with Mum on the way back from Supre.
Last Movie Seen: Elizabethtown. :-) No.... wait... last movie reeeally watched was.... aargh I think the Notebook but we didn't watch all the way through, just random parts.
Last Phone Call: My mum :-D She called to wake me up :-P
Last CD Played: The Cure ?
Last Bubble Bath: ON THURSDAY NIGHT! In Bitsy's spa, with she and Kimilly. Dayum that was gooood! :-)
Last time you Cried: I don't know... ooh, on saturday night, watching Bowling for Columbine. Wow. I haven't been very sad lately. Life's been good.
Last concert seen: Uuuuuum oh Kelly Clarkson lol

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS
Have you ever dated one of your best friends: Yes
Have you ever been arrested? Yes
Have you ever skinny dipped? Yes
Have you ever been on TV? Yes
Have you ever kissed someone, and then regretted it? Yes
Have you ever had a sex dream about someone? Yes heehee
Have you ever cheated? not on a person, lol. At a game of like monopoly :-P

SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING
1. School polo shirt
2. Supre mini shorts
3. Gold bangle with pretty bead things
4. Teardrop pendant with Geoffrey's and my name written inside on rice
5. RC Braclet - I don't know why I even bother wearing it anymore lmao
6. Eyebrow bar
7. Claddagh ring from Geoffy

SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY
1. Drank three cans of diet coke
2. Had a French Oral Conversation Exam
3. Caught the bus twice
4. Watched Scrubs
5. Eaten japanese food
6. Walked down Findlay with Milly and Benji

FIVE FAVOURITE THINGS IN NO ORDER
1. Oral
2. Geoff
3. Oral with Geoff heehee. Uuum Writing
4. My friends
5. Fashion. Or, shopping. Both ? Yo. SHOES!! OH BOY FUCK YES!

FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ALMOST ANYTHING TO
1. Geoffwee
2. Milly
3. Ducky
4. My mum... sometimes :-P

THREE CHOICES
1. What shoes should I get next? More keds or the gorgeous heels?
2. Should I dye my hair?
3. What should I get everyone for Christmas?

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Travel AND MEET DUCKY
2. Fall hopelessly, stoopidly, crazily, psycho-ly in love

ONE THING YOU REGRET
1. Losing my virginity to That Guy.

Ten Quirks You Have:

1. I always chew two pieces of gum at once, on each side of my mouth. I go crazy if I only have one piece. Then like, one side of my mouth would be fresher than the other, cos you barely ever chew in the middle!
2. I use chopsticks to eat rice and chicken, even though I can't.
3. I only walk through my house normally when someone else is home. But when I'm by myself, I run over the top of the lounges, or take the longer route.
4. When I'm reading books and I'm halfway through and I have a theory about what's going to happen, I skip to the end to see if I'm right.
5. I always put on three different moisturisers.
6. If one of my rings has turned off center, I fix it up with my teeth.
7. I open cans of soda with my teeth, just cos I bite my nails and there's no other possible way.
8. I always wear my nametag at work upside down
9. When I'm going into a pool, if I dip my foot in before anything else, from then on it'll take me a good ten minutes to get into the water. But if I don't test the water, I'll just jump in straight away.
10. I always write Mother's Day cards like a week before, and like do a draft and everything before I write it out properly, and Father's Day cards - I scribble out ten minutes before I'm going to give it to him, which is always around evening when I should have given it to him that morning

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	So long, and goodnight...
Time:	5:01 pm.
Music:	the Darkness - i believe in a thing called love.

"Nobody ever loved you like I do."
"... nobody ever will."

"Sara, do you know, that when we leave the room, our dolls come to life so they can talk to each other?"
"But why don't they come to life in front of us, so that we can see them?"
"Because, then it wouldn't be magic. Magic has to be believed... That's the only way it's real."

"She hasn't left her room yet."
"DID YOU SEE ALL HER CLOTHES?"
"She comes all the way from India!"
"I heard her father makes crackers."
"She's very rich..."
"She must be. Everyone I know eats crackers!"
"Well I heard that they were kicked out of India because her father sold poison crackers!"
"Poison crackers?"
"Poison crackers?"
"Poison craaackers?"

"Sara? Will you tell me about India?"
"Well.... it's so hot, that you can taste the air."
"Mmmmm... I bet it tastes like coconuts."
"Not really. More like spices."

"I don't want to say Goodbye. I'm going to miss you."
"You don't have to say goodbye. You can take me along, in your heart... when you grow up, and when you fall in love, have me there. That's how people can stay alive forever. When other people take them along. When you graduate, and on your wedding day... I'll be there.

"A magician knows the secret. That just because you don't see something, doesn't mean it isn't there."

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	We said Goodnight - not Goodbye
Time:	11:48 pm.
Mood:	complacent.
Music:	The Shins [So Says I].

That night many hearts did cry
When we learned we had to say goodbye.

All embraced under one common song.
The body is dead but life lives on.

The cars lined the streets, as it was coming to an end.
The sun shined so brightly the day we buried our friend.

All embraced under one common song.
The body is dead but life lives on.

Losinggggggg in the fall, lost innocence came down.
An 18-year-old boy was buried in the ground.
A family's broken hearts, a friend's streaming tears.
The light lost in death, the living's growing fears.
Of eternal darkness or is it spiritual light
To come to terms with death on the darkest night.

A brother lost a brother, a friend lost a friend, a mother lost a son but Stephen's soul will never end.

(You were so young)
[Good-bye]
A brother lost a brother, a friend lost a friend, a mother lost a son but Stephen's soul will never end

Good-bye Stephen. Good-bye you friend. You were so young. You were so young.
Good-bye Stephen. Good-bye you friend. You were so young.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the Exposition Train. Your destination today is Cracked-Out Plot Development City in the lovely state of Who Writes This Shit Anyway And Could They Maybe Get Their Hands On A Copy of At Least ONE Of The Previous Season's DVDs. There will be continuous beverage service and at least one stop in Who Are They Kidding With This Crapville. Hang on tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Vomit bags, of course, will be supplied free of charge.

KINKY!!!! I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING!!
Okay... lemme think...

Desmond was all 'AAAARGH I'M IN QUARANTINE, WHY AREN'T YOU SICK?' to locke and thems...
Jin said 'It's the others, sick... infection... the others... others... others... the others.' As in other passengers, not Walt-stealing pirate guys... but Desmond has been there for YEARS, so he couldn't be an other passenger...

OMG WAIT...

Desmond is an original other, and then flight 815 crashed, and he had to go into quarantine because the people that invaded the island -FROM THE TAILEND OF THE PLANE, NOT THE END WITH THE PASSENGERS WE'RE FAMILIAR WITH-, crashed onto a different side of the island, and were all sick... and going to infect THE OTHERS.

When the other passengers saw Jin, they thought he was an evil-Walt-stealing-pirate-other, and that's why they tied him up. And Desmond was scared of Locke and Kate because he thought they were tailend survivors, and were sick... but he didn't know there were the front end of the plane survivors...

So there were two lots of survivors, maybe? And the tailend kids got infected... and the crew we know, didn't get infected with anything...

and there are OTHERS, and other survivors... both two seperate camps...

but that's getting too complicated... urgth i'm prolly totally wrong anyway... cos... didn't Jack, Kate and Charlie, on their first trip into the jungle to get the radio from the plane,and Charlie's 'guitar', aka his heroin, didn't they see the tailend of the plane all crashed up with some bodies? but not enough bodies to account for all the peeps... So maybe there were two camps of survivors?

OTTERS!! THE OTTERS! :P You so silly babey. :-P

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! IT'S 12:01!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

I wish I had my phone off my fucking asshole father but I don't, so I can't call you or msg you, but I love you so slots my beautiful Silly.

I WANNA GET LOST WITH BOONE

"When will our consciences become so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?" -- Eleanor Roosevelt

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