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Sitting in my room, nothing to do, nothing to think of. Oh, i know. How about i think of what it would be like if i were normal, when i say normal, i mean, not fat, pretty, not POOR, normal family, popular, yanno, just, the "whole nine yards". I'm sitting here thinking what the hell wrong i did in my past life and i realized something, all these years i have been complaining and telling all these people, making them believe i am some sort of angel, telling them how stressed out i am becoming because my brother, stepbrothers, grandma, and my own other are being completely unfair, and just plain out rude.and bitchy. Well, i realized, maybe they would be a hell of alot nicer if i wasnt such a nasty bitch to them all the time! Ive always thought to myself if things dont work out as you planned, things are becoming stressful and your being picked on, well, what the hell, yanno? Kill yourself! It was either that or make yourself an outkast, if say, you dont fit in at school. NO!!! MAKE YOURSELF FIT IN!!!! Im not saying to become what other people want you to become because that would be wrong! I dont want to get off-track too much, but while Im on the subject, Id like to point out that my mom has always said "Who gives a flying fuck what anyone thinks!" Well, that is true to a point. You dont want to care so much about what other people think that you start becoming who they want you to be, and not yourself, and liking/disliking what they want ; but to a point where you will get a VERY bad rep otherwise; like ive had lasty year in 7th grade. That wasnt who i was. I was trying to put on a bad girl rebel attitude to make people think i dont give a flying fuck and to make them intimidated of me. something a counselor said to me in Elementary School which i still remember, was exactly this: "What is a bullie? Well, a bullie is someone who feels better when they are putting other people down, whether its a peer, sibling, relative, parent, even animals. They think it makes themselves look important, bigger, tougher, and just plaine old better!" That was exactly what i was becoming, a Bullie, at that. Ive always been picked on by my brothers, we are either friends, or enemies. Last year in 7th grade I would pick on people on the bus, and at school. To make myself look cooler and better. It didnt exactly turn out the way i had planned. I was still a loser with few friends, i was the one who was the "wannabe". There were countless rumors going around the school about me; some would include: "Kara smokes weed and does countless drugs every day. Kara and her mom are in a gang. and many others. I know i have always been pissed off and hurt because of those rumors, but i put it all on myself by the message i was bringing. I acted like i didnt care, and just blew them off, acting as if i had no clue what was going on. But inside, i knew. I knew what they thought of me everytime i would walk past them in the hall. If i were on the right side of the hall going towards Science, most kids would walk not so close to me because they were "intimidated" of me. I was even stupid enough to hang out with someone i knew would get me into trouble. we went to cub and stole cough medicine that kids used to get high. we got caught after a few trips to the store. There were even more rumors about me then before at school now. Such as; I stole crystal meth, i stole and spent the night in jail. blah blah blah. How did kids find out? Because the person who i was with, who was a grade above me, told someone, and that person told another, and so on. You know the gossip circle. Another one of my fuckups i so happened to make, happened towards the end of the school year. I made the mistake of writing a believable bomb threat on the wall in the nurse's office. Im not really sure why i did it, but i got caught. i went to school, and went to check myself in, because i was late. I was going to go to lunch, then i forgot that i had group that day. Then they had told me i had to go to the office. So i went there and they reminded me what i had done. I was shocked, to even believe something could ever happen. I couldnt believe what i had done. I was in shock. I was in there doing my homework because i chose to do that, instead of eating lunch that day, because i had to study for finals. So.. they talked to me and i denied it. then they brought me across the hall to the rent-a-cop's office, and she talked to me there. she did a whole bunch of legal things where blahblahblah. then she recorded our conversation. I didnt talk much. But she said she would have to do a lie detector test on me if i denied it again, because they had stolen a notebook out of my locker and matched the handwriting. So, i fessed up. I was in tears. So she let me stay there the rest of the day. Well, i had to stay down there the rest of the day anyway because i was a "threat" to the school and couldnt go back to class. so my mom was called and she thought it was a joke. She didnt punish me much. I got suspended for a month, almost got expelled. Then for the rest of the year, i had to only go to class for 3 hours. Which, believe me when i say this, SUCKED. Yeah, me, real threatening! anyway, point is i did it. I have made alot of bad decisions this past year in 7th Grade from truancy to leaving the state with two adults, without parental consent. So, yes i do regret all of it, yes i am sorry, but no i cannot go back and change all of that and no i will not be forgiven, as hard as that was to write. Anyway, i think i did more sidetracking about this school-bullie thing as i had hoped. So to leave off where i was... Oh yes, having the answer be to kill yourself, ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! I'm sorry for those of you who are suicidal reading this entry, but im sorry, taking your own life over something so stupid, even if it is a big deal, or you think is is, theres no need to take your life, or anyone else's over it. And if youre planning to "commit suicide" because you think you have no reaon to live-well sorry to say, thats so incredibly stupid and wrong. God put you on this earth for a reason, not just for you to take it away and kill yourself. Someone i know, said to me, "my quote is Youre gonna die sooner or later, why not make it sooner than later." No. Trust me, everything happens for a reason. Dont worry cause-... -sigh- I cant believe i just said that. (Everything happens for a reason.) my mom uses that phrase and i always disagree. So, maybe i am growing up after all. Anyways, Dont worry cause it will come to you, your reason in life, i mean. Ive always been questionable what the hell my reason to live is: its came to me that my reason to live is to help people. To be a therapist. Im sure you probably hate "shrinks" just as much as i do, but hey, if god intended on me being a therapist, and thats what i want to do, then so be it, i will go out and be a therapist. But i need to change my ways first. Just because i hate therapists, doesnt mean i cant be one and go out and be a better therapist than other ones. All i want is to make a difference in the world. Im gonna sound like my mom again, but i agree with her, that if say, you went to an ALC school and were just like most kids that go there, and your all grown up now and are working at that same school... The kids there are probably going to like you better than the rest of the teachers because you know how to play it cool, and just have fun, but discipline at the same time. You know how to deal with/handle those kids. Exact same thing with me. I want to be a therapist. I think id make a damn good one. Why? Because ive been in a lot of situations. So, my point is, my mom has said; "its easier to do what you do best (ic.counselor), if you were there once before yourself. So anyway, killing yourself, hurting yourself, or others is not the answer. make an effort to change your ways, talk it out, anything but hurt, please. I know i sound like a pussy, but im serious. (Ok, as im typing this up and reading what i wrote, i sound like a complete idiot kid, not knowing how to live my life to the fullest.-but trust me, that i am doing!) Anyway, I have had too many people including myself, be on the verge to suicide.
But honestly, i dont know why i am writing all of this. i was going to take a bath, but decided to try and think up of an entry for my journals. (needlesspanic,blurty,caleida,crazylife, and deadjournal). I would keep a real written journal, but its way more fun to have an online one. Plus i dont like writing alot, with the exception of tonight. I didnt nkow this entry would come out the way it did. I just, wrote whatever. I let my hand scribble out the wordds to my thoughts... I am so .. shocked and like, amazed at all of this, seriously, i like, never write, i swear, im an airhead as you can tell by the past entries. I cant believe im doing this. ive always wanted to write like this, actual thought writing, yanno? like where you sort of flush out the rest of the world and you write. whatever comes to mind. -sigh- Ive never thought id have the patience, and strong hand to write lets see, 7 pages full loose leaf papers so far! Im not totally sure but im guessing i either had this in me to write and actually think hard, i got my act together because of something my mom, my grandma, Emily Siebold, Carrie, said, or, i, just did for my own sake. my mom always said ive got some characteristics from my Great Grandpa Abe. Who was a journalist for the, i forgot paper (sorry.) and did an article in every paper issued from that certain paper. Another person, my great grandpa Norman, who was very very smart, loved to read books and was great with them, and ive been reading more lately, i dont know why. I told yall earlier in needlesspanic and blurty that i read those 2 233 paged books in 2 hours.... yah. shocking. especially knowing i did it. (going on 8 pages of this entry on paper so far.) Also, my Grandma Lois kept a journal. Just a blue notebook. My dad threw away the entries in it though, but he did give me the notebook, not that that helps any. Another thing, these.. 3.. people.. passed away many years ago. Do you think they could have given me some sort of message to "Shape up!?" Anyway, im gonna go, its almost 6AM (writing on paper time not putting into journal time.) Gonna go put this in my journas. I know i always say to comment, but please please comment with long, adviceful comments. aint this what online journaling is for? owait.. i forgot a part of the reason i wrote all of this is because i, myself, am going to be changed, if you want to put it that way. Behaviorwise, schoolwise, responsibilitywise, sociallywise, organizationwise, everything. Well, most everything. lol. i feel like a nerd after writing everything in here. anyway, bye =)
<3.Ray (( 10 pages of paperwriting ))
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