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heart's a bitter buffalo

[ website | My eyes are swelled from the last G chord ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[26 Jan 2004|01:00am]
[ music | the smiths ]

okay so the plan is
tuesday; rest, take 20 to living arts centre to check it out
wednesday; take 20 to go to the city
thursday; city again? or stay home be lazy sleep in do nothing paint reconstruct I <3 NY shirt

im probably going to laze out d00dz

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[26 Jan 2004|12:53am]
[ music | the cure ]

i think sometime this week im going to go to the city, take the 20 which will lead me straight to islington station. get off whatever random stop and go explore. and i'll take my joycam, take photographs of people and stick it on the metro window.
and whoever wants to come can join along.
god is reminding you to bring a sweater, right now.

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oh yeah well alright lets run tonight all night [22 Jan 2004|11:43pm]
[ music | we want the airwaves- the ramones ]

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results
Warmth ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Liveliness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Dutifulness |||||||||||| 34%
Social Assertiveness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Artistic Interests ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Paranoia ||||||||||||||| 50%
Abstractness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Introversion ||||||||||||||| 46%
Anxiety ||||||||||||||| 50%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Independence ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Perfectionism ||||||||||||||| 50%
Tension ||||||||||||||| 46%
Take Free 16pf based Personality Test
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[04 Jan 2004|05:02pm]
[ mood | high &dry ]
[ music | radiohead ]

i am rather mellow. ate ria just left. and everything seems to be so dull.
i'm all rough and tough on the outside, like i don't mind that anything leaves since that
routine has built up? but it still ravages me inside. but even saying this, i feel like i'm exagerrating.
i realize that i am private to the close ones, the ones that will always be there. and i open up
to the temporary, conditional beings. it doesn't matter. i just don't understand why.
shane says there's a little girl crying inside. but i push everything aside, i neglect my own feelings and distract myself and layer on preoccupation after preoccupation. to disregard everything.
i was just painting.. but i am so tired. i dont want to go back to school. for fear that i will never again receive sufficient rest &sleep. i am so consumed with laziness but i want to do well.
i sure as hell feel fucking lonely.

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death cab for you [30 Dec 2003|01:06am]
[ mood | stuffy nose ]
[ music | the happiest place on earth- desaparecidos ]

i always forget why i have so many online journals.
that i censor myself so much. or cutdown. or forget my trail of thought.
or lose myself. it's an unhealthy addiction, i guess. not really. i realize my emptiness.. but i don't
know why i never write
it always felt good. but it's stupid.
i need to write something valuable.
lately i've been painting, sewing, &doing nothing, really.
i've been planning with no follow-through, but
that is expected.
i'm happy with godwin, really, i am.
and i dont believe i've convinced myself of much
anything near of an illusion or fabricated conviction.
i want records &to make more clothes &to create more.
i dont want school to start, i
dont want next semester to bring
stress to do well in life.
i guess i would settle
for mediocre.
i mean for myself,
that would be fine.
i would be fine.

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i am listening to the velvet underground. [20 Dec 2003|05:15pm]
scene kids are never really in anything for the music.
in truth, they're quite boring.
and shallow. and self-absorbed.

talking about self-absorption...
1i am very content.
2twelveyearold anarchists don't know what they're talking about
3i think if you don't make things exist in your mind, you'll never be able to experience it.
4i would like to think i am more mature than other 15 year olds.
5i would like to think that i don't know anything.
6the only thing i really like in this place is goddy
.... and smarties.
7indie is the best subgenre.
8i enjoy taking part in the battle of who could care less.
9nothing makes me more frustrated than math.
10i hate self-proclaimativity. but look at what i'm doing now.
11our christmas tree depresses me.
12i believe i am going to die by the age of 25.
13i love rant. and cynicism- to an extent.
14i wish i had more patience and will to style my hair.
15i hate classic literature. i enjoy pomo everything.
16i am all up for progression.
17i dont see the hype with the matrix or lotr.
18nothing else scares me more but technology, the extent of the human race, and the approaching factors to the world's carrying capacity
19people's suffering for profit is inhumane.
20most people are so cliche.
21i constantly feel stupid.
22i hate conversations that leave me seeming unsubstantial or petty.
23i realize that it is an unrealistic setting to say that you would be a starving artist, activist, writer in order to refuse to give up your integrity.
24i believe that you're eventually going to sell yourself out, to the world.
25scene kids are all style, no substance.
26i get along with boys better than i do girls.
27i wish i had more knowledge and facts to back up my claims, theories, allegations and opinions on governing systems. or politics, in general.
28i want to explain myself better.
29i believe i've lost a lot of friends due to distance.
30the last time i really danced was with yana and chan.
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i wont leave, leave this way again [20 Dec 2003|02:02am]
[ music | silverstein ]

i dont know
i am so sick of this music i just wanna kill myself
i shake my head sometimes
at these kids
cos i know
they have fallen into this bad trend
following a britney phase
as i probably have?
i know in 5 years i'll complain that i ever loved saves the day
it doesnt matter
i really do try so hard to get into this bullshit
i hate generic punk drum beats by
stupid bands with members that are like 16
and prebuscent
and have annoying girlfriends
that wear studded belts
but two months ago they were struttin their
a&f seasonal hoochie shorts

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school's out, what did you expect? [14 Dec 2003|04:10am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | spit on a stranger- pavement ]

shit to blow my money on:
!antiflag/againstme! tickets
!red hair dye
!juliana theory screen print
classic vans / off the wall checkard vans
yeahyeahyeahs screen print
pretty fabric
watercolor paint set
pretty kensington t shirts

religion project
science reviews
shitload of french hw

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album wishlist [29 Nov 2003|03:37am]
[ music | modest mouse ]

the moldy peaches- the moldy peaches
we are electrocution- le shok
death to the pixies- the pixies
teenage kicks: the best of the undertones- the undertones
damned damned damned- the damned
go forth- les savy favs
the lonesome crowded west- modest mouse
as the eternal cowboy- against me!
those who tell the truth shall die, those who tell the truth shall live forever- explosions in the sky
from here to infirmary- alkaline trio
elephant- the white stripes
night of the living dead- the nekromantix

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[29 Nov 2003|02:23am]
[ music | teenage riot- sonic youth ]

1] Makes you want to dance: keep my name out of your mouth- hot hot heat, move your feet- junior senior, anything le shok and ladytron
2] Makes you happy: hey ya- outkast, bluebirds- adam green, love cats- the cure, the pixies, believe in something- youth brigade
3] Reminds you of an ex-lover: skater dater- US bombs, anything nirvana or mudhoney
4] Reminds you of an ex-friend: lordy lordy- the distillers
5] Makes you cry: pints of guinness makes you strong- against me!, johnny- the violent femmes
6] Makes you laugh: bouncing souls, funeral dress, the adicts and the toy dolls
7] Makes you ponder life: in your mind- built to spill, dig for fire- the pixies, we've been had- the walkmen
8] You never want to hear again: perfect- simple plan
9] You once loved but got sick of: hong kong garden- siouxsie and the banshees, the start
10] You love by a band/artist you hate: baby blue- the early november, jennifer- blood brothers
11] You sheepishly admit to liking: saves the day
12] You'd do anything to see played live: scream it until you're coughing up blood- against me!, search and destroy- iggy and the stooges, take warning- operation ivy, the afterlife- squirrel nut zippers
13] Reminds you of your childhood: green day, weezer and the smashing pumpkins
14] Sums up your teenage years: truckers atlas- modest mouse, teenage riot- sonic youth
15] Most people like but you hate: AFI, NOFX
16] You love the lyrics of: brand new colony- the postal service, heart cooks brain- modest mouse
17] You used to hate but now love: reasons- built to spill, war story- choking victim, gay rude boys unite- leftover crack
18] Is best played in the car: the postal service, the beatles, the libertines
19] You like to fall asleep to: ruby- apples in stereo, rememories- luna, asleep- the smiths
20] You like to wake up to: lola- the kinks, a message to you rudy- the specials
21] You love, and that you wouldn't know if it wasn't for someone: velouria- the pixies and the VIOLENT FEMMES
22] You love the video more than the tune: cut without the e (cut from the team) or whatever shit- taking back sunday
23] Is good to listen to while holding hands: so happy together- the turtles, god put a smile on your face- coldplay
24] Makes you think of sex: the yeah yeah yeahs, touch me- the doors
25] You love to hear at shows: what a waster- the libertines, ramones and clash covers, tune of the leisure pace- one man army
26] Is not your "typical type" of style but you still love: boomboomboomboom- the vanga boys, karma chameleon- the culture club, showroom dummies- melt banana, arab on radar
27] Reminds you of your siblings: fast as you can- fiona apple, rest of my life- sloan
28] Reminds you of who you love: napoleon solo- at the drive-in
29] You can sing really well: this is not an exit- saves the day or a lot of saves the day, ha..

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you better stop! it is the wrong em boyo... [23 Nov 2003|01:39pm]
[ mood | dang yo ]
[ music | wrong em boyo- the clash ]


-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

shane's results;

Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High


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i'd rather die than say goodbye and see you gone [17 Nov 2003|12:51am]
[ mood | why arent i sleeping yet ]
[ music | the yeah yeah yeahs ]

here is my plead for structure, organization and order
i am a sucker for perfecting imperfection, for taking control.
have i not learned anything from 15 years of existance? from watching Fight Club? and chuck palanhiuk?
onward! :

-jog/run three times a week
-work ass off in french + science
-do french homework consistently- during lunch
-eat more fruits and vegetables
-strech everyday (while studying or doing something productive)
-draw new screen print design
-make skirt/purse
-go to toronto more
-smoke weed
-learn to knit
-check out fine arts centre
-work on application/resume for arts centre volunteering
-find out more volunteer opportunities
-refuse to conform to english spelling and canadian slang
-get community service hours done for religion
-visit martha & mary campus
-read fucking more

and i really suck at making out.

here is yet another futile attempt at getting my life on track.
soon this phase will be over and i will rant on about how lazy i am.
this is all brought down by laziness. my perfection at the total state of laziness.

When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. -Tao

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i want you by my side cos i'm bad news, bad news. [16 Nov 2003|05:22pm]
[ mood | eeee thoughtless ]
[ music | chinese rocks- the ramones ]

i'm afraid of being stupid.
that's what my fear is.
i'm a perfectionist. even at imperfectionism.
and there is no set standard. there is society's.. but that alone, is irrelevant.
actually, i think an individual's solid existance is based on society's perception.
it doesn't matter what they think of themselves.
i'm afraid of being stupid.
according to my own standards.

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and another one gone, hey gonna get to two- another one bites the dust. [16 Nov 2003|01:45am]
[ mood | doot doot ]
[ music | another one bites the dust- queen ]

"it cant be forever- that the energy can remain infinite traveling through memories trapped in little electrons in our mind. but, that we are teenagers, our love has a very small chance of being forever.."

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jailhouse gets empty, rudy gets plenty [14 Nov 2003|05:58pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | sublime ]

i forgot to mention i currently have a 70.1 average. and this is me giving a halfassed application.
now i will try. try hard.
be worth something of my youthfulness.
that's all i can do right now anyway.
that, volunteer, get a job (for the solid purpose of experience)
.. oh, i forgot someone was still here.

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im sorry about that mess, i made her bleed [14 Nov 2003|05:48pm]
[ mood | bad breath yo ]
[ music | seed- sublime ]

man. easy bake oven x core. damn. i want new clothes and i want to be really fucking shallow along with that. and new fucking accessory and a bunch of shit i don't need. i just want to look good for me. and only for me. cos i don't give a shit, these periodic moods last briefly. then i go back to not really caring. i like not caring, and i know i truly don't becos i seem so unaffected by it fucking all. or maybe i just convince myself. and what i say has the power to make me feel.
shane is sleeping on my floor.
"dude i'm at work walking around i saw some easy bake ovens on sale. you told me you've wanted one since you were little that time we were walking around wal-mart, do you want me to get you one? i can get one for yana, too."

you just trust yourself.
then comes a time to shut up.
so unnecessary.
i'm going downtown with him tomorrow. man, what a cutie he is with that camera.

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holy crappola i suck at life [10 Nov 2003|01:21am]
[ mood | : / ]
[ music | wild pack of family dogs- modest mouse ]

i feel like a fucking useless, good-for-nothing imbicile. i realize my existance's significance is a single statistic. it upsets me that i have yet to find my niche. i'm not good at anything. i never try. i never apply myself. i do realize that this is all forced and driven by myself. i'm not blaming anyone, anything. i'm not fucking saying this for the sake of dire need of reassurance. i'm not looking to change the god damn world. but i hate people like that. you don't need to be gandhi to make a positive influence. i hate people who are all for positivity and making a difference. god. why must i be in the primer gray of the spectrum?
i need to find something i am good at. something i enjoy. a purpose. another phase has phased me. and i have a lust for impossibility, as andy puts it. goodnight.

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fake it through the day [09 Nov 2003|03:18pm]
[ mood | : ) ]
[ music | mind your own business- le shok ]

i'm guessing it's been too long that i haven't written a substantial entry in this. one of those paragraph long entries, filled with my god damn conscious-shunned emotions and feelings. i guess you could say i have closed up a bit. i guess it's with the people i'm affiliated with. it's different where ever i am situated between. like tofu, i can be cooked up various ways, and yet i am still edible and ready to be digested. yana is still here, and i love her a lot. she annoys me but i annoy myself, she is me, and that's why we truly are vanity x core. but that's a joke, i hope you know. we're the greatest and we can overcome. everything seems like a void of eternity. i can't see past the age of 20 for me. and age 18 is already vague. i'm experiencing the same things as a 17 year old. well, almost. i hear my sister tapping the hammer, we want a frame up to make our house look more like a home. it's been too long.
thursday was wonderful. i was with him most of the day and we sat there talking for hours.. the table next to us seemed to house unattended kids 3-10 every time someone would come around. it must have been the chocolate, i was not nervous. just natural. and i really enjoy going to bookstores and record shops with him cos every time, i find myself so turned on by his random knowledge, intelligence and lust for interests. yeahh, i dont know, i dont feel like i need to explain after the hereafter because it truly is a hereafter; the initial moment was beautiful. the way we make each other feel. oh, i sure hope this isn't a one sided affair.
he thinks i'm so much more artistic and creative that i am.
he's just homogenized, what else more can i add?
you're so cute in your disposition.
so hot.
what a pleasant distraction from loneliness. i anticipate when this ends. selfishly, i hope it ends with my departure; literally and hopefully mutually.
i'm applying myself in school. god damn 4 classes, i sure should work for something to make myself have a purpose. i feel like an infertile woman when i'm too lazy to do my work. as harsh as it is, that's the only use we are good for, for GOD. but yeahh.. i forget where i am. i look around and see myself at the point of square one.

p.s. ate ria is here and it is nice. everyone in the tiny household is rid of their personal inhibitions and depression. such a good thing. distraction and preoccupation.. the guide to neglect of emotions. i love.

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they are all reasons to see, how the hell do you do this? [04 Nov 2003|01:35am]
[ mood | fnsdknfsknfsa ]
[ music | reasons- built to spill ]

Godwin says:
things i love
Godwin says:
having a philosophical discussion and thinking real hard with my girlfriend


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[02 Nov 2003|04:14pm]

you put the h a p p i in my n e s s

RAISSA. 15. owmyfacehurts.
dontaskmewhereimfrom. <33

makes you

look pretty

"We tore one down and erected another there-
the match of the century: absence versus thin air.
On the way to god don`t know,
my brain`s the burger and my heart`s the coal."

she came running
i hate everything that came before me

i`m breaking under the crush
don`t ignore me
cause you know i can always
make it louder,
three is nothing out of ten

but you`ve got a thing for me
i can feel it, i can feel it
and i`ve got a thing for you too
you can have it, you can have it
i`ve been running
just to get way from what`s
inside me

i`m drowning under the rush
happy birthday
to the best brother in the world
at least i`m cool still to one girl
no strings attached
no copy to match
no drift to catch
no plans to hatch
no itch to scratch
just infatuation is all you need
you could sell a million lies
and i`d think they were true
that`s why trust in you
it`s what I value
and it`s what i refuse to lose

you`ve got a thing for me
and i`ve got a thing for you too

"omg raissa is that elfy?"

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