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Luaren

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[30 Jul 2003|12:58pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | GC- Seasons & Little Things ]

so i messed up....again. i didn't call gabby's house i called her cell, well i usually do. i don't like calling her house if i don't know whether or not she's the one thats going to answer the phone. katy asked last minute if i wanted to go with her and desi and watch a movie, cause she was house sitting. i kinda hesitated, cause i wanted to get out, but i wanted to stay home to talk to gabby. and then she called, and well she still seemed upset...and i didn't know what to say. When she gets like that I get quiet cause it makes me sad when she's upset. I told her about katy and desi (i told katy one movie, so i'd be home to talk to gabby, boy that didn't work). So after about 20 minutes on the phone she says ok well i guess i better let you go cause your friend is going to be there. I'd asked her if she wanted me to stay home (i wanted her to tell me to stay home), but she said no thats alright. Then she just said bye........i was kind of taken aback, and a little hurt.........so i was like....bye....and sat with phone to my ear until it started beeping to see if she'd hung up. but she called me back to say that she loves me! aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwww. i love her so much! and I've been getting slowly better. My eating has improved (even tho she doesn't believe me on that). and since last wednsday my moods have improved a little. its been a week since we really got in a fight, and me ending up crying; which i think is an accomplishment. She is the only person that's ever been able to make me cry. Like usually I can controll it, and I don't cry for anyone/thing. But I can't with her. Anyway! Then Desi picks me up and go to katy's, and we go to blockbuster. Took us about 30 mins to pick a freakin movie. Just by then I was ready to go home, and be with gabby. took 20 mins to get to this house, movie was 1 1/2 hours. then 20 mins home. Movie wasn't bad they could have done a little more with it, but i thought about gabby the whole time (what else is new) and just wanted her there soo bad. I had for some reason stuck my wallet in my pocket when i left so i had my phone card! woohoo! Borrowed desi's cell and called gabby...no answer...so i left a message. got home and she'd called right before i called her, ahhh. called her again and no answer. :( didn't sleep well at all, kept waking up. no word from her this morning, and called her again even tho i knew she was at work and wouldn't answer. haven't talked to her since last night, and its driving me insane!

3 storms| rain on me

[20 Jul 2003|03:26pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Chevelle ]

so i went out with katie, katy, desi, and kirsten last night. it was overall fun. but i wanted to get up half way through the movie and go call gabby. I wish I had, but I didn't know if she'd pick up her phone.
today she said that she wants to get me pregnant, but that doesn't matter cause i probably don't want kids. I never planned on getting married, i never planned on having kids. Meeting her and falling in love with her changed everything. I now need to re-think everything. I had focused on getting through college and worrying about a career, not a family. Cause I never thought i'd find anyone. and now i acctually have to think about kids. Which means i have to change what i thought i'd be doing. If we have kids i'm not going to be one of those stay at home moms. I want to be able to work, at the very least I want to be working at an aquarium. I want to be some place like that where I will be putting my education to use, and still be able to continue learning. I've considered becoming a teacher, but I honestly couldn't handle that. I'd have to be in a class where the kids acctually want to learn. Not like my oceanography class. I still feel so incredibly sorry for Mrs. Delgado. I'd have to teach a college class in order to handle a teaching job.
then today is our anniversery. I knew it was today, but i can't keep track of what day it is anymore. and i didn't realize today was sunday. but she can't even remember what day we met. it honestly feels like we've been together forever. like months at least not just the one. she said after we got off that night she knew i was hers. aww. and we never asked the other out (for lack of a better word). we just went. and i think thats how love should be.

rain on me

[19 Jul 2003|02:51pm]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | Chevelle- Send the pain below ]

ok so something vicki said has really been bugging me since she said it. Gabby and I fight a lot i guess. But we fight I think mostly because of the way I am. I mean. The fact that I try to hide, and that I'm not open with her. Actually I know thats why we've been fighting. But anyway she'd asked me i think if something was wrong or whatnot and i told her we'd gotten into it again. she says ugh. you 2. I hate to say it but I don't think you two are going to last. You 2 are always fighting, and I know you don't say looks matter but I think they do some ect. And I really don't think you two are going to last. This isn't the first time she's said it and now its starting to get to me like really bad. She just doesn't understand. I know why we fight and its being fixed. And of everyone I've ever known gabby is the only person who has ever truely gotten me. I confuse everyone else. They know I try to hide shit and everything, but they don't understand it. They don't understand me. I can't explain it better then that. On top of that gabby catches my slightest change in mood. I've been sooo depressed since march and no one has managed to help at all. Victoria even told me that normally she has no problem giving advice but that I stump her. She doesn't know what to tell me. But even if gabby isn't purposely doing something, my mood has slowly been improving. I've been a little more willing to go out with friends. I mean I've seen my friends more this summer then any previous summer before that.

rain on me

[19 Jun 2003|08:46pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

yeah. ppl bringme down. seriously. all desi can talk about are all her different guys. well i'm not jealous for obvious reasons. victoria. talks of nothing but nicole, and is like constantly on the phone with her. And i'm being lef behind. as usual. denise has found a girl she really likes and all she talks about to me is her. Sarah also found a girl she really likes and thats all she's talked to me about the past 2 days. ugh. Thats all anyone has to talk to me about. I want to throw up, or cry.

I know who i am now. I know why i've always felt so different from everyone else. I feel much closer to several ppl.

rain on me

[04 Jun 2003|04:58pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

sooo. yeah. i said something yesterday to sarah about having had a crush on this girl casey my freshman year, and she went on to tell me about all the people i used to know who'd gotten pregnant or dropped out. greeat. Casey, Janelle, Miranda. All got pregnant. omg. Antionette dropped out. geez.

Honestly i've pretty much known i wasn't straight since 8th grade. I had a crush on a girl named devon who sat next to me in history till i switched teachers. I just never did anything about it. I had a crush on alondra...and casey freshman year. Soph i simply ignored everyone. Junior sarah talked me into dating aaron (big mistake), and as everyone has agreed what straight girl would date aaron. And after that went back to ignoring everyone. Blah. Then yeah.

Geselle told me the last time adam asked me if i was still les, that she'd picked up LAST year that I was, then threw her off by dating aaron. I want to know who else knew before i told them.

adam btw came up to me after school and said guess what i'm going to ask. ok it bugs the hell out of me when he asks. Cause it doesn't change! Just like my eye color isn't ever going to change. They'll always be green. He said I know I just hate it. He hates it cause he likes me, well he needs to get over it.

rain on me

[31 May 2003|12:00pm]
[ mood | sick ]

ugh. I haven't eaten in like 3 days. well barely eaten. I tried to eat at the bandbanquet, I'd been really hungry! and i hardly ate any of what i bought. Its getting really bad again. I'm starving, but I can't eat. like i dunno how to explain it. Nothing sounds good. I don't want to eat anything, but i'm hungry and i do. I forced myself to eat a sandwhich yesterday. But thats been it the past 3 days. I'm not sure how much I weigh. Last time it was 107 that was around spring break. So about 2 months ago. Just that I'd lost 8 pounds in a month and a half. By now I'm probably down to like 100.

I've been really happy. My friends know about me, and on top of that are totally cool with it. So I've been really happy about the past month, so there's no reason I shouldn't have an appitite.

I'm getting another piercing soon. My relatives are all going to freak. I'll have 7 in my right ear, 5 in my left (one being weird/not normal). If I could I'd pierce my nose, lip, and eyebrow as well. Lip would interfere with playing though. Eyebrow would interfere with my dive mask. I'll find ways around it. :) This time though it has nothing to do with me being depressed. yay!

Lauren from drama added my lj to her friends list....i don't care, but y? I don't talk to her. I've never been friends with her. She's probably figured me out cause I talk to desi who sits behind her about girls :). So there's no problem there. But y would she want to read my journal? I mean she obviously got it from Katie, or Crystals friends list so I know where she got it, but still.

rain on me

[16 May 2003|11:21pm]
[ mood | amused ]

kirsten and i went in to round table to pick up pizza, we came back out (katy moved her car to scare us) went to get in and I sat in the middle (as usual cause i'm the smallest. i hate that). Kirsten said oh! jessie's the penis!! I was like yeah thats kinda ironic considering i'm gay! and of course everyone busted up laughing.

its great! two jokes out of me in one day!

again Kirsten...said yeah! lets go paint the town red. So i said that'd take a lot of paint.

rain on me

[04 May 2003|03:15pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Your first name of Jessica has given you a responsible, expressive, inspirational, and friendly personality. Expression comes naturally to you and you are rarely at a loss for words; in fact, you have to put forth effort at times to curb an over-active tongue. Self-confidence has made it easy for you to meet people and you are well-liked for your spontaneous, happy ways. You sincerely like people and do not often experience loneliness; your work and home-life are likely filled with association You enjoy music and could have a fine singing voice; however, the study could be somewhat difficult because you do not find it easy to apply yourself to concentrated study for long periods. In this respect, this name is not altogether constructive; it creates a somewhat scattering influence which makes it difficult for you to finish what you start. This name brings disappointments and emotional involvements through being too sympathetic and easily influenced. As a result of your active nature, you have an appetite for quick-energy foods, which you could consume to excess. Health weakness appear as skin conditions, or as ailments relative to the liver.


Your first name of Jessie has made you a hard worker with a meticulous sense of detail. You have a great deal of patience and independence, and you can be relied upon to complete your undertakings. You are stable, trustworthy, homeloving, and logical in practical matters, but rather unresponsive to suggestions from others. You resist change. This name does not give you great ambitions, vision, or imagination. It frustrates the expression of your softer, feminine qualities in that you find it difficult to express the depth of your feelings for those you love. It limits you to practical matters of the day, filling your life with detailed routine. hard work, and monotony. Weaknesses in the health could affect the intestinal organs, causing growths, ulcers, constipation, or glandular conditions. Problems from head tension affecting the eyes, ears, sinuses, or teeth could arise.

rain on me

exerps from my horoscope [30 Apr 2003|04:46pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

These folks are selfless, spiritual and very focused on their inner journey. They also place great weight on what they are feeling. Yes, feelings define Pisceans, and it's not uncommon for them to feel their own burdens (and joys) as well as those of others. The intuition of the Pisces-born is highly-evolved. Many people associate Pisceans with dreams and secrets, and it's a fair association, since those born under this Sign feel comfortable in an illusory world.

They are compassionate, easily feeling another's pain. At times, however, Pisceans can have difficulty distinguishing fact from fantasy: they tend to get caught up in their dreams and views of how things should be. To say they wear rose-colored glasses isn't much of a stretch. Pisceans who fear that their pleas aren't being heard tend to lapse into melancholy and, worse, the kind of pessimism which leads to procrastination and lethargy. At times like this, Pisceans are well-served to take some time for themselves, the better to find their center once again. Many Pisceans also immerse themselves in the arts and other creative pursuits as a centering mechanism, and they are quite talented in these areas.

Pisceans feel a great deal, and they also feel misunderstood much of the time. They're not quite pushovers, but they're certainly sensitive. Yes, they could cry you a river if the circumstances were right. Even so, they revel in their compassionate and imaginative natures and love to cater to others.

Pisceans are generally gentle, easy-going folk, who are on the shy and reticent side. They are modest to the point of impracticality, often stepping up only to show their talents in painting or music. Easiest for the Fish (and still great fun) is living in their lush dream world.

rain on me

[27 Apr 2003|11:23am]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | Jimi Hendrix- Purple Haze ]

Pisceans must not allow themselves to become detached from those around them, because they will become depressed, pessimistic and languid.(a bit too late for that advice) The gentle Pisceans are usually far too shy to tout their talents, which in the arts may be formidable. Their compassion and empathy seems to be without bounds, which makes them a great ally for anyone. (yeah now if I could only find someone that'd be mine)

Traits:
Imaginative(i couldn't be creative if I wasn't), Sensitive(too much sometimes), Compassionate(always), Kind(99% of the time), Selfless(u sure this is a good trait? cause I mean i tend to put others before myself so sometimes thats good, but never seem to do anything for myself), Unworldly(day dream CONSTANTLY), Intuitive(usually pick up when something is wrong) and Sympathetic(always try to be there for them, and comfort them) (so why don't I have someone who is that for me? that isn't a 1,000 miles away)

Dark Traits:
Escapist And Idealistic(far too often am I that) , Secretive And Vague(with everyone, and i HATE it), Weak-Willed And Easily Led (it depends on the situation, but more often then not)

rain on me

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