erika's Blurty
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in erika's Blurty:

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    Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
    7:48 pm
    blah
    well things have been going okay. well i finally got my own bedroom but now my roomates are taking it away because they want to have a baby. it sucks finally when i get all the stuff i've been working for it gets pull right form out of under my feet but i guess its time for me to become a big girl and live on my own. well see what happens i'm kinda in the mood for new experiences lately. im turnig twenty soon actually one week from this thursday. im kinda scared because i feel like life is closing in on me and i've done nothing with it and theres nothing in it right now thats going to take me anywhere. plus everything with my mother is coming up the day she died and mothers day plus my birthday which was always spent with her i miss her so much it sucks but its getting better each year atleast i didnt start crying and being depressed two months ago and it just started a couple days ago. well i've also met this boy his name is zeke hes best friends with kyle he got me in the world of trouble with kyle it sucked. kyle stopped talking to me and actually just started talking to me again saturday. it sucked not having him there oh yeah and scott stopped talking to me about a month or so ago told me all i did was ruin his happiness. but guess what he did well kinda kyle i was really happy with zeke i told him all the things i regret how much of a bitch i was and how much i was irrational with everything and he still wanted to be with me. well kyle thought differently and decided to have zeke meet scott so he could tell him everything that was fun. it hurt really bad but i still got to keep zeke. even though right now were not doing so well. but hopefully well get back on track and he wont listen to kyle anymore. actually when i saw kyle that saturday i realized i have changed alot for the better i've grown up and make more rational decisions. i just dont know what i want anymore right now. well i believe i have an iron deficiency and it sucks because i feel like shit all the time so i tried taking ironed pills but i'm now feeling worse on them then without them so somethign els must be wrong and it sucks big time and i dont want to go to the doctors because im afraid there going to tell me something horrible. back on the kyle subject he looks like shit hes supposedly happy but hes lost a whole bunch of weight i can wrap my arms around him almost twice but kaity makes him competely happy it just pisses me off that no one has noticed his weight loss or how he was wearing his green wrist band again today. and he wouldnt give me a hug and i dont know why i think hes cutting again and i'm worried but nobody pays attention and i cant say anything to him about it. plus zeke lied to me about smoking the other day with kyle and i just cant trust him as much anymore and i dont love him as much i just dont know whats going on between us but i cant make any irrational decisions when i'm depressed because of my mom because it might just be because of that. i just dont know. i have to figure out if i want to move back to east providence or stay in west warwick. i go back to east providence everyday i have off to see my sis and zeke kyle or felly but i've made a life here now kinda and i dont know if i can find a job or an apartment in east providence or an apartment here but well see what happens. well zeke is takling me out to dinner for my birthday and i'm going to the fair with my sisters on saturday for it so that should be fun but well see. well gtg ttyl

    Current Mood: confused
    Monday, October 29th, 2007
    9:45 pm
    im going to rant again cause thats the only thing that helps
    okay well here goes i feel like shit like last time. i feel really fat and ugly, tired and really sick to my stomach like all the time. it sucks really bad. i hate fucking material things. i hate that i just cant leave people alone cause i know there better off without me in there lifes but i care about them to much and it would hurt to much to let them go. i know i have to so i have to let go of kyle when i leave so he can have a better life and felly too. i just hate how i have to cause she makes me so happy but we cant be together cause im moving and it just wont work. everytime we have gone out something has happened where either her or my friends get in the way so our lifes dont mesh together but she makes me happy for the most part. i also hate how i cant fix her well not her in general but whats happening to her. her best friend makes her feel like shit and she shouldnt. she is amazing in everyway. she has the most caring heart and she is the greatest listener and her personality is great in everyway. and she is so cute her shortness makes her adorable and she has these green eyes you just get lost in and her smile i cant describe it. its out of this world but im just hurting her by staying with her and not lwtting her get over me. i guess im being selfish but i cant get over her iehter especially knowing she isnt over me. then there is kyle he is in love with me and i love him but im not in love with him but there is this something that keeps us from being able to be together. everytime we are official we argue all the time maybe its because both of us cant be tied down or atleast not to each other it sucks. this is why it is better that i leave and not come back for a little while so they can move on. then im torn between leaving and staying. first off i dont do well with chang and everything just fell into place i have my daily routines and it is going to suck to chang them. then there is going to be the good part that i wont have to deal with all the bullshit arguing with kyle each day and that i get my own bed, im living with my best friend and i get to go back to my old routines and my old friends. i just dont know anymore. then theres this new kid i met a couple of weeks ago he is funny and cute which is an awesome combo but i was to scared to lose him because of donnie. donnie told me he couldnt deal with the clingyness but thats who i am so since i didnt want to lose chris because of the same thing i didnt show him that i like him enough and now im afraid that i wont be able to even have that chance to say he is my boyfriend. then theres all the drama with my best friend and everything with the people in west warwick all ready. wel lets give you the jist of it. well theres this girl whitney she is gorgeous bisexual and her boyfriend is a women beatting asswhole. he is so over controlling. well one night before we really knew how bad he was she was fighting with him so she came over to hang out with ash jon me and donnie. we ended up playing strip poker and stuff and then me her and donnie had a threesome. well ever since then we found out that he has been beatting her an dhe never lets her out of the house. well last night she told him everything that has happened that night and i dont know whats he is going to do. i just want eveything to go back to the way it was before i moved and my mom past away.i dont know life sucks and i just hope im not pregnant. well ill ttyl cause kyles being an ass.

    Current Mood: cranky
    8:42 pm
    im going to rant again cause thats the only thing that helps
    okay well here goes i feel like shit like last time. i feel really fat and ugly, tired and really sick to my stomach like all the time. it sucks really bad. i hate fucking material things. i hate that i just cant leave people alone cause i know there better off without me in there lifes but i care about them to much and it would hurt to much to let them go. i know i have to so i have to let go of kyle when i leave so he can have a better life and felly too. i just hate how i have to cause she makes me so happy but we cant be together cause im moving and it just wont work. everytime we have gone out something has happened where either her or my friends get in the way so our lifes dont mesh together but she makes me happy for the most part. i also hate how i cant fix her well not her in general but whats happening to her. her best friend makes her feel like shit and she shouldnt. she is amazing in everyway. she has the most caring heart and she is the greatest listener and her personality is great in everyway. and she is so cute her shortness makes her adorable and she has these green eyes you just get lost in and her smile i cant describe it. its out of this world but im just hurting her by staying with her and not lwtting her get over me. i guess im being selfish but i cant get over her iehter especially knowing she isnt over me. then there is kyle he is in love with me and i love him but im not in love with him but there is this something that keeps us from being able to be together. everytime we are official we argue all the time maybe its because both of us cant be tied down or atleast not to each other it sucks. this is why it is better that i leave and not come back for a little while so they can move on. then im torn between leaving and staying. first off i dont do well with chang and everything just fell into place i have my daily routines and it is going to suck to chang them. then there is going to be the good part that i wont have to deal with all the bullshit arguing with kyle each day and that i get my own bed, im living with my best friend and i get to go back to my old routines and my old friends. i just dont know anymore. then theres this new kid i met a couple of weeks ago he is funny and cute which is an awesome combo but i was to scared to lose him because of donnie. donnie told me he couldnt deal with the clingyness but thats who i am so since i didnt want to lose chris because of the same thing i didnt show him that i like him enough and now im afraid that i wont be able to even have that chance to say he is my boyfriend. then theres all the drama with my best friend and everything with the people in west warwick all ready. wel lets give you the jist of it. well theres this girl whitney she is gorgeous bisexual and her boyfriend is a women beatting asswhole. he is so over controlling. well one night before we really knew how bad he was she was fighting with him so she came over to hang out with ash jon me and donnie. we ended up playing strip poker and stuff and then me her and donnie had a threesome. well ever since then we found out that he has been beatting her an dhe never lets her out of the house. well last night she told him everything that has happened that night and i dont know whats he is going to do. i just want eveything to go back to the way it was before i moved and my mom past away.i dont know life sucks and i just hope im not pregnant. well ill ttyl cause kyles being an ass.
    Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
    11:06 am
    ooga booga booga
    hey well i never went to the doctors to find out what happened but im fine now so whatever. i just had the worst weekend of my life well maybe not the worse but close to it. well lets start with the boyfriend stuff first and then go int o everything els well donnie ussually sees me on the weekend because i go over ashleys and im closer that way. so i hadnt talked to him in a couple days so i figured i would call him friday after i got out of work and when i did he never anwsered so i never got a hld of him friday which made me upset and i cried till i got picked up by the best girl in the world. so i sucked it up and went t ashleys house to party and get over it well when we got there there were new people and ash was trying to hook me up with this one guy but when i got the i was like he is really creepy i shouldnt go there. so he got wasted and i tried same new alcohol that tasted so nasty that i passed it off. so i tried having a good time so i got a smirnoff and started to dance but when i went to go to the bathroom he pushed his way in behind me and then asked if i thought he was attractive and i said a a little and then he asked for a hug so i half hugged him and then he pulled me closer and started to kiss on my neck then the night just went down hill but i got to sleep in whitneys bed with whitney which was amazing. then i went to work and got completely stressed out so ash picked me up afterwards and we found were donnie was and i left a note in his car saying that if he didnt show up at ashleys then we were over so when he got the note the next morning he called and bitched me out then said he had to go to work and to visit him there. mean while all saturday i was crying like a baby except for like ten minutes. so we tried but couldnt find the gas station cause he doesnt know the name of it. so when he called me the next day we tried tallking but it didnt work to well then i went to work and couldnt get a hold of him but he just sweet talked me again and i melted and gave in. i guess i have that little thin of hope that thinks maybe hell be like that all the time. but for the rest of saturday. well the ride to ashs was the part were i had the little bit of happiness. well she picked me up and knew something wa wrong so she goes erika whats wrong and i go i just had a bad day and she goes then vent your with us girls and your best friend so i vented and then she goes lets see him and then thats how we ended leaving him the note and then she goes forget him and puts on upbeat dance music and we started jamming out in her car and decided to go to the club thats when it turned bad again cause we got home and asked the guys if we could go and they became asswholes so we ended up sitting there watching them play fifa and then went to bed at 10. but other that all that im exstatic cause i get to see the new place tomorrow and were moving in a week. but im sad cause im going to miss felly kyle and scott so extremely much. these are the people who make me better they alway always put a smile on my face even if they cant put one on there own but ill be getting a car soon so ill come up and see then, they are the greatest friends in the world along with ash i would do anything for them and i hope they know that but i got to go so ill tty guys later.

    Current Mood: ecstatic
    Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
    6:54 pm
    i want this
    PAULA DEANDA LYRICS

    "Overloved"

    I need to find somebody who can't sleep at night
    Without holding me without holding me tight
    I want someone who sees me all the time in their dreams
    And then wakes up thinking just of me
    Spent time on my own
    Spent time being free
    Now I just wanna be

    Overloved
    Over needed
    Over wanted
    Over missed when I'm away
    Overloved
    Over dreamed of
    Over cared about
    Over everything
    I'd give anything to be overloved

    I want someone who can't wait to kiss me again
    Even though it's been a minute since they last did
    Want someone who loves love songs
    And dedicates them to me
    And two loving arms never out of reach
    Been fine all alone
    Did fine being free
    This time I wanna be
    This time I wanna be

    Overloved
    Over needed
    Over wanted
    Over missed when I'm away
    Overloved
    Over dreamed of
    Over cared about
    Over everything
    I'd give anything to be overloved

    Want someone to talk to me with talk so sweet
    Want someone who's there to share their world with me
    I've been too lonely for too many nights
    This time I need someone here in my life
    This time I want someone holding me tight
    Been under kissed, under touched
    Now I just wanna be

    Overloved
    Over needed
    Over wanted
    Over missed when I'm away
    Overloved
    Over dreamed of
    Over cared about
    Over everything
    I'd give anything to be overloved

    I just wanna be
    Overloved
    By someone who's over in love with me
    Over kissed over touched over missed
    Overloved

    Current Mood: cynical
    12:13 pm
    quiz and shes hot
    What do Guys think of you?

    Hearthrob
    Hearthrob
    When a guy sees you walking down the hall, all he can think of is how sexy you look. and every chance he gets, he'll flirt with you.
    How do you compare?
    Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic


    Current Mood: horny
    Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
    9:47 am
    stuff thats on my mind
    no one ever reads theae anymore so i dont know why i bother but hey atleast its a way to vent and not kill your hands. well this has been going around in my head for a month or so. well lets start from the beginning. well i started to get to know kyle and while i did that i was making out and stuff (we never had sex) with this other kid i really liked but i knew he would never want just me so i figured i would try to find what i was looking forin someone els and i found kyle. i liked him too but i knew he was still caught up on his ex katie so it woulnt work unless he got over her. well i fell for him and got rid of the other kid. kyle asked me out and we went out for a little while but scott cam e back into the picture and katie did to and then we just started argueing to much so we broke up. well a couple of days before that we ended up having sex in the shower and didnt use a condom.i figured we would be safe cause i just stopped my period the day before. well i took a pregnancy test and it came back negative but i had all the signs of being pregnant but i didnt want to know so i just left it at that and there was a whole bunch of other stuff i had to worry about, like getting thrown out of my house and moving in with kyle because thats the only place i had to go. so i figured i would just wait for this period to see if i was pregnant well it came five days early, i've been throwinf up every morning and having major craps along with dizzyness and i feel like shit all i want to do is sleep all the time. my period has been on again off again for those five days and i have major back pain so i think im having a miscarriage but im not sure. so im really worried right now and i have no one to talk to about it cause i cant talk to kyle cause he is at school my best friend and my sister are at work and even if i could talk to my best friend right now i dont think i would tell her cause she wouldnt approve. so im really scared and i feel like its all my fault if that is what it is cause i've been drinking for the past three weekends, lifting heavy stuff at work, not eating or sleeping right so it would be all my fault and i should of just went to see if i was a long time ago, but im going to the doctors at one so hopefully everything will be ok. well ttyl buh bye thanks for listening

    Current Mood: stressed
    Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
    1:03 pm
    dear heart
    why do you always go for the wrong person? i know you can do better than this. i know you feel llike its your fault and theres something wrong with you. maybe there is but there has to be someone that thinks your faults is the most gorgeous things in the world. someone is suppose to love you even with all the things wrong with you. and your suppose to do the same thing back for them. i know you cant be patient but atleast try, thats all i ask, because that someone is out there somewhere you jsut havent found them yet and there feeling the same way you are right now. that someone that wants to love you with all the scars, wholes, and bruises you have because they believe those abrasions are the things that make you beautiful to that person. so for now be patient and try to be happy with everything els you have in life because you have alot of great things going for you and people who care. so please be patient and they will come to rescue you from this despair.
    sincerly your friend

    Current Mood: depressed
    Thursday, August 16th, 2007
    7:34 pm
    catching up
    well a whole lot has gone on since the last time i updated. well i ended up getting kicked out of my aunts house and i lived with scott for a couple weeks and then moved in with tony which then scott broke up with me. he wouldn't talk to me cause i was a bitch about it and i was all my fault but were finally talking after six months. which is great. my ex best friend tony just resently diched me he found a girlfriend and after o month of being with her decided to move in with her and her parents(shes only 17). so i cant afford the rent so the other day my land lord through all my stuff out in the backyard. im just grateful that my friend (if thats what you want to call him) said i could stay at his house til i got a place. well the six months that me and scott didnt talk i went wild. i hated it so much but i needed to get it out of my stystem. i ended up sleeping with four different people minds you two of them had girlfriends, decided to get wasted a couple of times but i only drank nothing more and got my heart broken. in the end i ended up getting rid of all two of them still messing around with one of them and became close friends with another and then got a tat to remind me never to do it again even though i gained alot out of it. well to explain the kyle situetion we ended trying to make it official between us but he broke up with me cause he knew i still liked some of the guys i was messing with. so we went back to being just friends and ended up being friends with benefits again which weve done a few times. then when i realized i didnt want to be with the other guys we deceided to have a real relationship which didnt work to well cause i got to jealous all the time and scott came back in the picture but all he wants is sex which is a real asswhole move but i guess i turned him into that kind of guy. well now im living with kyle and he loves me so much but i just dont want to hurt him like i hurt scott or turn him into something he shouldnt be. he said i could take as long i want to figure out what i want with him so well see what happen. whats really cool right now is that ashley and her cousin ray offered for me to move in with them when they get there place in october which is awesome so hopefully thta works out. well thats whats going on now. hopefully ill have more time to update since kyle has a computer. ttyl

    Current Mood: cheerful
    7:16 pm
    catching up
    well a whole lot has gone on since the last time i updated. well i ended up getting kicked out of my aunts house and i lived with scott for a couple weeks and then moved in with tony which then scott broke up with me. he wouldn't talk to me cause i was a bitch about it and i was all my fault but were finally talking after six months. which is great. my ex best friend tony just resently diched me he found a girlfriend and after o month of being with her decided to move in with her and her parents(shes only 17). so i cant afford the rent so the other day my land lord through all my stuff out in the backyard. im just grateful that my friend (if thats what you want to call him) said i could stay at his house til i got a place. well the six months that me and scott didnt talk i went wild. i hated it so much but i needed to get it out of my stystem. i ended up sleeping with four different people minds you two of them had girlfriends, decided to get wasted a couple of times but i only drank nothing more and got my heart broken. in the end i ended up getting rid of all two of them still messing around with one of them and became close friends with another and then got a tat to remind me never to do it again even though i gained alot out of it. well to explain the kyle situetion we ended trying to make it official between us but he broke up with me cause he knew i still liked some of the guys i was messing with. so we went back to being just friends and ended up being friends with benefits again which weve done a few times. then when i realized i didnt want to be with the other guys we deceided to have a real relationship which didnt work to well cause i got to jealous all the time and scott came back in the picture but all he wants is sex which is a real asswhole move but i guess i turned him into that kind of guy. well now im living with kyle and he loves me so much but i just dont want to hurt him like i hurt scott or turn him into something he shouldnt be. he said i could take as long i want to figure out what i want with him so well see what happen. whats really cool right now is that ashley and her cousin ray offered for me to move in with them when they get there place in october which is awesome so hopefully thta works out. well thats whats going on now. hopefully ill have more time to update since kyle has a computer. ttyl
    Sunday, February 11th, 2007
    12:42 pm
    whats new
    hey well i ended up going back out with felly which was good for a while but hten i really realized that i loved scott and i want ot be with him forever. well were back together which is the best thing thats happened to me. well im not living with my aunt ne more. im staying with scott for a little while and then moving in with tony. evenually tony eric and i will be getting our own apartment. im so excited for that. my newest excitement is that i got a promotion im becoming a manager at mcdonalds. i start the classes on the 20th. i cant wait it sounds like so much fun. it kinda sounds like school cuz we get to play jepardy but the only bad thing is we have to do homework but i dont think ill really mind it. two of my coworkers r pregnant. i cant wait till they start showing. oh and my cousin just had his new baby. his name is mathew thomas and he was 8 pounds 8 ounces. really big baby but he is so cute. well i dont know when the next time ill get to update so hopefully itll be soon ttyl buh bye for now.

    Current Mood: excited
    Friday, November 24th, 2006
    1:54 pm
    hey
    hey everyone. i hate the holidays. work sucks but it gives me the money i need to get by. i dont ever have time for anything anymore. but i do sneak in there some time for my self like im going to the mcr concert at lupos on the 29th. im so excited. well i havent talked to chris in a while but i heard that he got in a car accident recently. i miss him but i dont believe thats ever going to happen anymore. he was telling people i was stalking him cuz i started going back out with my ex scott which lives two streets away from him and i work in the same plaza as he does but i dont care all i care is that hes happy even though i know hes not cuz he works all the time. well me and scott broke up about a week ago cuz im back to my old ways. i hate it so im stopping it. well i ended up making out with one of my co workers when he brought me home one night. i also started hanging out with felly again.i dont know why i stopped hanging out with her in the first place. shes so much fun and makes me laugh all the time.but yeah life is pretty boring right now cuz i work all the time.i also miss hanging out with all my old friends like lisa and stuff. well i was just updating u so ill ttyl buh bye.

    Current Mood: cold
    Thursday, September 28th, 2006
    8:03 pm






    Which Is Your Worst Deadly Sin? - Beautiful Pictures




    Your worst sin is Lust.Lust is best described as depraved thought, unwholesome morality, desire for excitement, or need to be accepted or recognized by others. It also includes obsessive, unlawful, or unnatural sexual desire, such as desiring sex with a person outside marriage or engaging in unnatural sexual appetites (like bestiality). Rape, adultery and sodomy are considered to be extreme forms of lust. Dante's criterion was "excessive love of others," thereby detracting from the love due to God. However, lust and love are two different things; while love involves mutual appreciation, trust, and deep friendship, lust is little more than extreme sexual arousal. In Purgatorio, the penitent walks within flames to purge himself of lustful thoughts.
    Take this quiz!








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    What is your inner goddess ( Great pictures of course )




    Goddess of DarknessYour sleek figure is noticable even if you dont think so. You are very mystirouse and hard to capture..You are dark and un seemed to everyone..you cry inside and need an outletA good quote would be"If I promise to cry..would you promise to care?"
    Take this quiz!








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    Monday, July 31st, 2006
    2:42 pm
    hey
    hey im better so you guys dont have to worry anymore. well atleast for the most part. tony got me a job at the mcdonalds on newport ave. so my aunts not bitching at me anymore. i still miss chris like crazy but atleast were talking again. he works all the time and doesnt have time at all for himself and on top of it hes moving. it sucks for him and me too cuz that means we cant get back together but hopefully we do. i love him and miss him so much. i got to see him today and it was so wierd. i got butterflys the minute he called me. i hate not being able to have that love. well he was surprised to hear that i still dont have a boyfriend but i dont cuz im still in love with him and its not fair. well im going to give blood so ill talk to you guys later. buh bye

    Current Mood: hopeful
    Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
    3:01 pm
    numb
    chris just broke up with me. i hate it i never wanted to feel the way i did when my mother past a away but i do and it sucks really bad. i wish i could just died right now. i dont ever wan to feel anything anymore. i cant stop crying and my body wont stop shaking. i feel like im going to throw up. i just feel like shit. i don teven know whats wrong with me. the worse part of it i have to go home today and get yelled at and my aunt to say it was a good thing.hopefully i go home to late so i dont even have to deal with it. i dont know how to deal with this anymore.lasttim ei felt like this i hybernated for three months. i cant do that this time. maybe ill consume myself with my friends and finding a job.hopefully it works. well ill ttyl

    Current Mood: confused
    1:38 pm
    quiz






    Which Disney Princess Are You Most Like? (With Music In The Results!!)




    Belle from Beauty and The Beast!You don't care what people think of you and stand strong in your opinions and beleifs. You're kind and good-hearted, but goodness, don't let an arrogant man cross you or he'll never know what hit him! You do like the place you live in with your family, but sometimes you just want to break free and find a life with more excitement and meaning. All these books you read have influenced you in that you want more than your 'provincial life'. You have never had in interest in love, for the people around you have never been your 'cup of tea', let's just say... But you meet someone. Someone who you despise from the very first moment you lay your eyes upon him -- but what's this? This confusing feeling?... Are you falling in love with him? Don't let your head get in the way. Follow your heart.
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    Monday, July 17th, 2006
    4:52 pm
    im a piece of shit
    im a piece of shit
    hey i dont believe anyone reads this and if they do they dont care about my problems but its ok im use to it. well everything is going down the tubes chris and i are fighting all the time but its mainly my fault. i yell at him to much cuz im stressed out. i need to learn how to not just start yelling everytime i get stressed. thats just the way i was brought up u yell everyone u love and the next day they forget about it cuz they know it wasnt there fault and they still love u. well at this point chris and i are still together but i can ttalk to him till next sunday. after that were going to see if we should take a break i dont know if were going to work. i screw up every relatiopnship im in. im just broken and no ones wants to take the time to stick around and fixs me becuase i break them in the process. my lifes going in the shit whole again. i just want to hybernate but i have to find a job. i wish i was in the hospital dying. well if anyone cares i wont try to commit suicide cuz i promised my mother i wouldnt so u dont have to worry. well buh bye

    Current Mood: crushed
    Saturday, July 15th, 2006
    11:38 am
    hey
    well i broke up with felly. life is still a shit whole though. it wasnt for a little while there but it got ten times worse i knew this was going to happen i was just waiting for it. well chris ended up asking me out on the 4th of may. we went to prom together which was a blast i had so much fun. im glad i went. chris got a limo and we went riding in it till 100 am. it was so much fun cuz we had 4 of our close friends in it. chris gave me apromise ring the friday after graduation. its really pretty its silver and has a saphire in it.now my aunt has ben yelling at me so much. i cant do anything right anymore in her eyes. she wants me to get a job and ive been trying to look for one but she says im not trying hard enough. i also see it as no point in getting a job cuz in suppose to be going to cali on the 19th of august so i wont be working more than a month. then she told me that i cant go to cali if i dont have a job.its so retarded i hate it. i can twait to move out, hopefully its soon. my aunts been yelling at me so much that he figures if she puts in my head that chris is cheating on me that ill break up with him and ill only look for a job, so she keeps putting things in my head. so me and chrishad a big fight and we almost broke up because of it.i dont like being in that house anymore and i wish i knew how it was going to be before i went there but were was i suppose to go anyways. well i just have to get a job and save up so i can move out as soon as possible. well ill ttyl. buh bye

    Current Mood: depressed
    Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
    7:44 pm
    hey
    im so depressed it sucks i feel so un wanted and not pretty it sucks so much. im at my sisters house and there all watching movies but i wont watch it cuz it will scare me. it blows big time. i havent brushed my hair or put on makeup maybe thats why i feel like shit. fellys brother is in the hospital and shes really sick so i cant kick her when shes down and she doesnt even know anything is wrong. this is why i want to go back to west warwick cuz nobody knows when anythings wrong with me even if i look depressed nobody cares. my aunt isnt throughing me a party cuz she has to pay for my prom and i dont even want to go. she wont let me not go so she has an excuse for me not to have a party. i dont even have a date for prom. even if im still with felly i cant go with her cuz i cant tell my aunt that im with her cuz shell freak. my aunt doesnt axcept who i am she thinks i should pick either guys or girls and stay that way cuz if i like both im easy. she doesnt even know ive had sex before. she doesnt care anymore. i wish my mom was still a live. she would be so proud of me. would be so proud that im getting A's and B's and im head of the GSA. i hate this so much. after graduation im going to cali with my uncle david. im going there for two weeks and then i get to decide if i want to move there or not. if i mover there and stay there for a year and then i get free college. i just hurt my hand it sucks. my nephew was bothering me so i punched him and it hurt but it hurt him more haha. i wish i had my old life even though it sucked. atleast when i was depressed i had someone to too get me out of it now everyone is to depressed themselves to be able to help me. well im going to go so ill tyl buh bye

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: pink
    Friday, April 21st, 2006
    10:16 pm
    hey
    hey well im not with scott anymore i havent been for a while. i've been going out with this wonderful girl named felly for almost a month but i just dont feel anything but friendship towards her and shes falling for me. its not fair for her. i'm going to break up with her as soon as we get off of vaca. lately i cant feel anything towards anyone any more i think im going to try and stay single but i feel so helpless when i am. i feel so un pretty and ucky. i hate being depended on someone els to make me feel pretty it sucks i guess i have to work on it. well im so depressed lately it sucks. ill get over it hopefully soon. i always get over it well ill ttyl buh bye
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