Alice's Blurty
 
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Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in Alice's Blurty:

    Friday, October 3rd, 2003
    2:23 pm
    New news? Naw. No new news.
    Never in my ENTIRE life could I think I could be this boreeeed. I mean, why??? I'm just so... so just... so just like me, you know? Not much by way of explaining. I'm doing some social stuff tonight. Why? I dunno, mainly because I need something to keep me preoccupied. Great - I'm just another fuckin' sheep. No more wearing those retard T-Shirts I love saying "I'm with stupid --->" or "Drugs are Bad, mmkay?" Just stupid stuff like that. Can we truly understand life? I mean, the real part of it. Not the 50's style Mom's and Dad's with their award winning smiles and Jack and Jane, the perfect kiddies, just about to grab their lunches. Why don't we understand the.... realness of it all?? Hurriedly rushing to get our food & and briefcases, cussing constantly at the retard drivers following around us. Driving slowly in the fast lane, just to piss everyone else off ("because I'm an asshole...." ~~Dennis Leary) Get home after shacking up with your secretary, and kissing your wife innocently, while some other chick is giving you head. Have you no shame?? Kicking off your socks, getting into the hot, sticky, gross bed. Now time to go fuck your wife. Is that our life? It certainly is. I don't know why we're just so... disgusting, disgraceful.... shameless. Is that how we'll always be? Of course not, we'll find other ways to piss off people. It'll be something we now think is lame, like high-fiving someone could be equivalent to flashing a gang-sign, (Yo homie G!) or thumbs-up will become similar to the middle finger. It's just how life works. We wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, sleep. The everlasting cycle bores people. But if your life is perfect, why fuck it up (and some other chick/dude???) I spit in your face, even from my pathetic computer. Well... now that that's out of the way, why not just move on people?? So your dude fucked some chick. Wow. Happens every 10minutes. Hah. I made up my own statistic, but it's realistic. (Fun fact: Someone is raped every 6minutes) So why make a 90210 drama out of virtually nothing? You'll never find the perfect guy. Because even "perfect," guys are so perfect it's a flaw. We can't handle the perfect people anyways, we are peons compared to them. I'm not saying I'm not a high being than all of you sheep, no, I'm saying that these "perfect," people can't create a perfect world. There is no such thing as perfect. Perfect is a mere word to use in an exaggeration, or hyperbole. Did I bore you enough with my pathetic "sermon"??? Anyways... contemplate everything to every last bit - just....think....about....it....

    Current Mood: blank
    Current Music: CKY - "The Shopping Cart Song"
    Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
    5:25 pm
    Bloody Mary
    He... my exalted one. My... my very fiber of being is donated towards him. He carries my heart with him... so why do I seem as invisible to him as I do to myself? I might just be some sort of mutated "Hollow Man." Is that me?? "Is it your face, that's got you down? Or is it your mind, when no one's around???" ~~CKY: "Sarah's Mask." I just would like to die, you know? Go to sleep & never wake up. But it won't work, I have no intention of taking sleeping pills 'till I puke. I know you can't take 'em all at once, you have to have intervals of 15min between each one... the pills, I mean. I'm not breathing, totally bogged down by schoolwork & my love life (or lack thereof) I'm just - I don't know. At an unclassified state of depression. Is that fair?? To say I'm just... slowly dying? I don't want to become a vegetable like Steven Hawking or whoever. Even though he has a cool wheelchair. Oh well.... I catch myself sighing a lot. Like I'm tired of this place. Why can't we move? To another country, another continent, another lifestyle completely. Would that tickle my fancy? I just don't feel like walking amongst the normals, or even among my own kind. The mutated: the freaks. The unclassifieds. Fair statement? Anyways, too much to comprehend, huh? My own ragdoll self, in a sort of rageful state. My music isn't really cheerful, is that a sign that the end is coming near? Is it? Will I, in a total masochistic outburst, kill myself? Be killed by someone else? Be harmed fatally but barely survive? Am I slowly dying, mentally?? My own heart is being trampled by The Exalted One. I feel so cheerful outside, but inside is darkness. Complete and utter darkness. The blackness is so immense and it penetrates me... my whole body.... Why? Why me???
    Bloody Mary:
    // Water fills my lungs
    // My nose bleeds...
    // I sprout my wings...
    // Fly away.
    // I wake up
    // It's dawn
    // I'm back where I started...
    // With a Bloody Mary in my hand...
    // I gulp it down.
    // Am I still alive?
    It doesn't make sense, does it? That's me... a giant jigsaw puzzle with a few pieces missing. Like... like I'm a few fries short of a happy meal. You could say that, no? Anyways... 'Bye. I have (honestly) nothing better to do, but it seems sort of better than sitting here...
    Sunday, September 28th, 2003
    6:53 pm
    Sarah's Mask
    Boh-ring. My stomach hurts. I feel like I got kicked in the stomach. Why? Why me? Wendy is my saviour, my sort-of-not-really best-friend, who just helps me through this so-called "stage." Is it SOOOO horrible to feel like I'm the walking dead? It's comforting that even if my actions are repremanded (sp?) but I feel like I'm just numb. Everything is numb. I feel like a ragdoll - or a ragedoll. I'm just with strings attached, my soul is detached from my body - I'm a zombie. I bought more clothing - material items fill my void temporarily. Does it hurt to me? The miniscule blood THAT DAY. I only cut myself twice, you know. But it was terrifying - being sent to a mental hospital for testing. I had everything hooked up for a little scratch. We DON'T have sharp knives at home, just dull ones that you have to hack at yourself for a half-hour to get a speck of blood. You know I didn't feel anything when I cut myself? I didn't feel a fuckin' thing. Just temporary satisfaction. My void is temporarily filled by the following: blood, food, and material things. Why do these fill my void? I don't know. But I need something else... FUCK. I just cut myself accidentally. It's between my fingers in the webby stuffers. CRAP. I need to get off of my ass and go pluck myself into Tower Records and buy some importante CD's. (CKY & Queen - I need more CD's... like I said, material shit) I've always been this way - spoiled little brat. Throwing temper tantrums till I was 10. Ridiculous, I say, but what CAN I say? I'm just a fuckin' zombie... that's all I am. A mother-fuckin' zombie....
    "Black Roses," by Alice (moi)
    // My identity
    // Makes me cry
    // No one could care
    // I don't know why.
    // Life's surprises
    // Keep me alive.
    // If we don't care,
    // How can we survive?
    // Knives, guns & scissors
    // They make me feel sad
    // Open arms to me,
    // Your scars are plaid.
    "Bloody Angel," by Alice (moi)
    // Don't make me cry my blood
    // I can't speak, I can't see
    // Pain comes... I yell
    // No one cares,
    // The bloody tears.
    // Why, oh why, can't I
    // Just... LIVE
    // We will fly...
    // We will fly...
    // We will fly away!
    // Angels must DIE!!!!!!
    That's a production of my boredom. It's a mirror into my soul, poetry is. My new motto is: "Fly away, little Angel Pie.... Angels must DIE!" Sort of like in my poem, eh? Mannnnn I'm hooked on "Sarah's Mask," it's totally mellow. If I could smoke pot, this would be the ideal song. My heart aches for adulthood. Moving out, having sex, having a boyfriend, booze, driving... everything else. It's sucks being me, you know? But killing myself, as I introduced my mother to the idea when I was nearing 12, won't do jack-shit, now will it? Oh damn - it better not, because if I try to... it'll just hurt everyone. It won't solve anything, but if it did, I'd be out of this world ASAP. Anyways, what else to bore anyone who possibly reads this?? Nada. Chow.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: CKY - "Sarah's Mask,"
    Saturday, September 27th, 2003
    8:54 pm
    It Happened to Nancy
    It Happened to Nancy, did it?? Well, that was an amazing book about rape, AIDS, and death: my ideal reading list. It's not like I've been raped, have AIDS, or am dying, but it's STILL ideal, right? I'm in deep pain physically. I bruised my arm accidentally from the trunk of a car, and in my delirium of my past "flu/cold/hell," I bumped into a cabinet and have a bruise/bump on my forehead. Yum. I'm just tired and numb from my anti-D's (or "mood-stabilizers,") and it's kind of annoying. It's numbing my tongue, not my lip. Argh. I want to watch some TV but there's nothing on til later. Maybe some stand-up on Comedy Central? Maybe not. Oh lordy, I think Reno 911 is on! YESSS. Damn. I need my Gary. He's fuckin' hot and sexy and fine and he's NOT mine. But I don't know what to say to him. I'm a little wimpy puss-face. It SUCKS ass. I have a few more books to tackle and loads of homework for schooling. Fun, eh? Oh well - gonna go format my blogger :P
    8:54 pm
    It Happened to Nancy
    It Happened to Nancy, did it?? Well, that was an amazing book about rape, AIDS, and death: my ideal reading list. It's not like I've been raped, have AIDS, or am dying, but it's STILL ideal, right? I'm in deep pain physically. I bruised my arm accidentally from the trunk of a car, and in my delirium of my past "flu/cold/hell," I bumped into a cabinet and have a bruise/bump on my forehead. Yum. I'm just tired and numb from my anti-D's (or "mood-stabilizers,") and it's kind of annoying. It's numbing my tongue, not my lip. Argh. I want to watch some TV but there's nothing on til later. Maybe some stand-up on Comedy Central? Maybe not. Oh lordy, I think Reno 911 is on! YESSS. Damn. I need my Gary. He's fuckin' hot and sexy and fine and he's NOT mine. But I don't know what to say to him. I'm a little wimpy puss-face. It SUCKS ass. I have a few more books to tackle and loads of homework for schooling. Fun, eh? Oh well - gonna go format my blogger :P
    6:02 pm
    Alice's Wonderland
    There is not a place I'd rather be, I guess. I'm not feeling so well, ever since last year's run-in with the loony-bin. I'm not Alice, by the way. It's rather an alias, just for me, you know? I get tired quickly, saddened easily, hurt by old friends. Sally, an arch nemesis, is being a real jerk to me for no reason. I don't understand! We used to be best friends! I confided with her my run-ins with the knives, and she goes out and tells a random kid on the bus. It stings, it really, truly does. And I hate her for it.

    Current Mood: bitchy
    Current Music: Kittie - Brackish
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