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| 11:09pm 27/11/2008 |
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I have horrible thoughts when i wake up, when i go to bed, when i see the people i love. I see them dying, i see myself hurting their feelings, i see them feeling sad cause of what i said. I see them hating me. I feel bad when people eat food. I feel bad for people i don't know. I see horrible things happening to me. I see myself ripping my ribs out because they are so close to my skin, I see myself killing people, I see myself hurting my cat, i see myself acting out on impulse, i see myself screaming, i get angry out of no where, I'm annoyed to the point i want to scream and punch someone in the face. I always want to punch someone in the face. I see people being cut, i see people being shot, i see people dying. I'm always in pain. My knees hurt, my neck hurts, my head hurts, my abdominal and stomach always hurt, my back hurts, i get shooting pains up my arms. It hurts to pee, it hurts to have sex, i have a bump inside of me. I wake up some mornings so sensitive that i can barely touch my stomach or rub my hands over my arms. I live a life full of pain. I beg my mom for pain killers, i beg for any kind of relief from the pain. I take muscle relaxers every night to stop the pain and to stop the thoughts. I get so angry all the time, I get so mad that i can barely stand to be awake, i shake with anger and i want to hit the person near me. I cant stand how people act, i dont want to be around immature or dumb people. I don't' want to be talked to like im a 5 year old. When i was a kid i use to put red paint on me and tell my mom i was hurt to see if she would believe me, she never did. I don't know why i did it. I get so happy at one moment, and so sad or angry at the next. I cry and then i get annoyed if someone else cries. I would rather be alone at school then be with people. i am fully happy with my life, and who i am. I have a boyfriend, I have a family, and I have a bestfriend. I don't want to die. I don't want to hurt anyone. i am happy, I'm not sucidal, i've been having these thoughts as long as i remeber.
but i don't want to live like this forever.
it feels like I'm living a life in a movie when it happens. Because it doesn't actually happen for real. |
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| 05:18pm 26/11/2008 |
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I have a crush on one of my friends for more than 3 yrs, but I was in a relationship for 2 of the years, which ended 2 months ago.
I see him nearly everyday cause we work closeby, and the mroe I see him, the more I fall for him. His cousin told me he said he likes me, and I think I have made it obvious to him how I feel.
I just wish he would tell ME how he feels, cause not knowing is dirving me insane, and he is so hard to read sometimes.
Last week we went partying and when he dropped me home I grabbed him and kissed him ... now I am just waiting for him to make the next move & I hope it is one that makes us both happy. |
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| 04:58pm 25/11/2008 |
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| 10:29am 25/11/2008 |
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I can always rely on my yahoo comics to put a smile on my face every morning, even if only for a few seconds.... |
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| 04:07am 21/11/2008 |
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mood:  confused
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Dear Z,
I hope you see this letter. I hope you never find it.( Read More )
I'm still in love with you. I still fucking hate you.
All my love/hate,
X |
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| 01:44am 21/11/2008 |
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| 08:43pm 18/11/2008 |
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That's how I run from my problems. |
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